Out of the Ash
by selfluminousbody
Summary: Four years after the ZA, Pippa Barnes works hard to build a future for her community and raise her family. When searching for provisions for her people, she encounters old flames in the new world and must face the people they've become, while fighting for what she cares about. Sequel to For You I Was a Flame. Negan/OC
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead or any characters from The Walking Dead, or ny canon/ non-AU material or dialogue. The only own my OC's and AU material.**

* * *

The plain is open and bare. The sky is gray with winter. If it rains, it'll snow. The dog's barking is getting closer. I turn up the collar of my jacket.

"She's getting close."

"Yeah, I hear her," Lourdes says, continuing to file her nails, "So…"

"So?" I arch my brow, looking at her.

"Did you and him...?"

I bite my lip, keeping an eye out. "Yeah."

"And?"

"And…." I spot the dog, "There she is."

Lourdes looks out ahead, putting her hand on the lever of the door and pulling it open. "Yep."

I get out of the car as well, watching for the first signs of the dead. Cleo comes sprinting as fast as she can on four legs our way, no longer barking.

Lourdes whistles to her and it's not long until I see the herd of husks come straggling from beyond the trees. The dog finally makes it to the truck, running around to Lourdes' side where the door's open and leaping in.

"Good girl." Lourdes gives her a pat on the back, feeding her a treat, before going to shut the door.

"Don't shut the door," I tell her and she looks across at me, "If we don't make it, she'll get trapped in there and they'll hear her barking."

Lourdes nods, remembering to do the smart thing, rather than the peace of mind thing. "Yeah."

The herd comes in fairly quickly. There's not as many as we thought, probably only about twenty-five or thirty. We wait for them to come about halfway into the plain, before we go out to meet them.

I pull my knife from my belt as I stride through the yellow, knee-high grass. My eyes keep on this one rotter in particular. It's taller than most of the others and it's got this mangled shirt that perturbs me.

An arm claws at me, but I dodge it and jam my knife into the side of the corpse's skull, dropping it to the ground. Lourdes does the same to the rotters that reach for her. One by one, we go through them; either by driving our knives into their heads, or stomping them into the ground. It doesn't matter how you do it, trust me, so long as the brain, or whatever's left of it, is destroyed.

I don't have a watch, but I'd say it takes about ten minutes to take them all down. Both of us finally stop when the only one aside from ourselves left standing is the other. We look at one another, panting from the task and the adrenaline.

"I thought you said there was at least fifty?" Lourdes breathes.

"You'd rather had fifty than thirty?" I retort, crouching down to wipe the blood from my knife onto the shirt of a dead one.

She scoffs. "No, but you just made it seem like a big deal."

"Thirty dead isn't a big deal?"

Lourdes shrugs her shoulders, cleaning off her knife as well, "I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just saying, we didn't have to have Cleo do a bait run for thirty dead."

"I thought there was fifty or more, okay?" I roll my eyes. "Christ Almighty."

"It's weird hearing you all religious while on your feet."

I give her my middle finger and stalk back to the truck. The dog's sitting perfectly in the middle, no longer barking because of the dead are no longer growling.

She gets a little excited when Lourdes comes closer to her door and it makes Lourdes smile. "Are you happy to see me? Huh? You're glad I didn't bite it?"

I can't help but smile at how much she loves this sweet bull terrier. The dog licks her face and then rests her head and front paws in Lourdes' lap.

I fire up the engine and we head for home in the old beat up Jeep. We're quiet for a few miles, tired. Lourdes pets Cleo's head while looking out her window, while I keep my eyes on the road, waiting to the see the exit that'll mean we're there.

"You on shift tonight?"

"No, not until Friday," I answer, "Why?"

"I just wanted to know if I was going to be eating dinner and sleeping alone tonight."

"Oh, well, you're never alone with this little badass around." I pat Cleo on the back.

"Yeah, well, this little badass stunk up my whole place last night, because someone gave her a handful of treats _and_ a rawhide bone."

"Keep them out of reach."

She rolls her eyes. "We're here."

"Yeah," I wait for the gates to open, "About damn time."

Once we drive though, the people at the gates close them back up. I park the Jeep and the three of us hop out.

"Pippa!"

I look over my shoulder when my name's called. "Yeah?"

"I need you over at the hospital for counts."

"Alright, I'll be there in a minute," I glance at Lourdes, "We literally just walked in."

She shrugs, smiling.

"Can you go relieve Lydia?"

"Sure," She nods before whistling, "Come on, Cleo. Come on."

I head towards the hospital, tucking my keys into my pocket. I pass the gardens and the crops on the way, saying hi or nodding to the people tending to them.

"Hey, Pip!"

I smile. "Martin."

"You just come back from taking care of that herd?"

"Yeah," I reply, "It wasn't as big as we thought."

"Well, you still better wipe the blood off your face before you get home."

I chuckle. "Where you headed?"

"I'm gonna check Ursa to make sure she's not rusted from the rain."

"Cool beans."

"Where you going?"

"Hospital for counts," I tell him, "I'll see ya later."

"Alright. See ya."

I go to the hospital, where Meredith, the woman who called for my attention is. She's standing in front of one of the glass medicine cabinets that's open.

"What do we have?"

"Why don't I tell you what we don't have?" She replies, looking up from her clipboard.

"Alright," I check the clock on the wall, "What don't we have?"

"We don't have antibiotics," Meredith informs me, "Or anti-inflammatories." She looks at me. "And we're dangerously low on insulin."

"Shit," I curse, looking at the bare space in the cabinet, "Didn't Jim's team pull in meds a few days ago? What was in that?"

"Aspirin and Imodium."

"So, we can reduce headaches and the shits." I put my hands on my hips.

"And fevers."

"Wonderful," I sigh, looking across the other cabinets. "Well, at least we're not in want of first aid."

"But we are in want of the crucial stuff."

"Yeah…" I bite my lip. "Well, I guess that's top priority for runs."

"Thank you," She says, "I'm worried about having three diabetics and the insulin running out."

I nod my head. "Same. I'll let them know."

"Good," Meredith hands me her clipboard and pen, "I just need you to sign here, please."

I sign my initials at the bottom to verify I've seen our piss-poor stock of meds.

"Thank you," She takes it back, "I'm sorry to bother you with it now, I know you want to get home."

"No, this is important. I appreciate you bringing it to my attention immediately," I give a final exhale, before turning to leave, "Well, I better get going."

"Of course, thanks again, Pip."

"Sure." I leave the hospital and walk home. I didn't want to be hit with that shit news right as I came in, but I guess it's my job to know these things; I wanted to lead this place.

I became leader of Halcyon about a year ago after I killed one of two doctors. The old leader couldn't stand and deliver, so I had to.

It's a big place, Halcyon. We didn't name it that, it came with the old town. It was one of those old timey parts of a town that the local government flipped into a tourist attraction. It turned out to be a great place to settle, considering the roads aren't paved and the dirt is usable. The buildings are old, but sturdy as hell and fairly breathtaking to behold. I think the last renovations it's had was in the 1930s, except for the ones we made here and there, including the fort like wall to keep the dead out.

We've called this place home for the last two years. A few of us found it after two years of struggling to find a permanent place that was safe from the dead and the living that are perhaps more dangerous. We lucked out, despite losing friends and loved ones along the way.

I come up on my house and smile when I hear laughter coming from inside. I knock on the door, which makes them go silent, before opening the door.

"Anyone home?" I call out as I step into the house.

"Mommy!"

"Hey!" I open my arms up to the boy running my way.

"You're home, you're home!" Abel hugs me tightly.

"I'm home, I'm home!" I kiss his cheek. "Did you miss me?"

"Yeah!" He claims as I pick him up. "You were gone forever."

"No, I wasn't," I laugh, "I was only gone for a few hours, silly." I look at Lourdes who's sitting in the armchair with her eyes closed. "Where's your brother?"

Abel points over to the window that oversees the back. I carry him over and look out to find Jolyon playing fetch with Cleo. I knock on the window to get his attention, waving him in when he sees me. He takes the tennis ball from Cleo when she's retrieved it and heads this way with her trotting behind. There's no backdoor, so he and the dog come all the way around.

"Hey, punk."

"Hi, Mom." Jol gives Cleo the ball, before coming this way. He hugs me by the waist.

I put my arm around him. "Did you miss me?"

"You were only gone for a little bit," He says, "But yeah, I missed you."

I give him a peck on the head. "I missed you, too."

"Do you wanna play catch after dinner?"

I smile. "Did you do all your homework?"

"Yes."

"And Lourdes checked it?"

"Lydia checked it." Lourdes murmurs.

"Alright, we can play catch after dinner."

"I wanna play, too!" Abel chimes in.

"You do?" I smile at him and then glance over at Jolyon. "What do you say, Jol?"

"He doesn't have a glove."

"Well, we'll toss 'em to him slow."

"Okay." Jolyon says, a little annoyed.

I pet his head. "Just for a few minutes and then we can throw some fast ones to each other, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

I put Abel down. "Who's hungry? Show of hands."

"Me!" Abel raises his hand.

"You?" I raise my hand as well. "So am I. Jol?"

"Yeah." Jolyon raises his hand.

"Alright," I turn towards Lourdes, "Lour?"

She lifts her hand.

I chuckle. "Okay then, how does spaghetti sound?"

"Yeah!"

I snicker at Abel's excitement. Spaghetti's his favorite meal. "Alrighty, I'll get the water boiling."

…

After dinner, my boys and I go out to play some catch, while Lourdes reads in her lounge chair she's sharing with the dog.

"You ready, babe?"

"Yeah." Abel nods.

"Okay." I toss it underhand to him. It rolls to him and he picks it up.

"Catch, Jol!" Abel throws it towards Jolyon.

Jolyon walks forward to get the ball where it lands. "You have to throw it like I showed you."

"I did!"

"No, you didn't," Jolyon tosses the ball to me, "You have to throw it like that."

"He's learning," I catch the ball in my mitt, "You didn't get the hang of it right away."

"We need a batting cage."

I grin a little. "We have a t-ball stand."

"That's not the same."

I sigh, "I know, but we don't have the space."

"Yeah…"

"Hey, what's going on here?"

I look over and smile. "We're having a little family game of catch. Beat it."

Martin grins, walking over. "You wanted to talk to me."

"I did?" I look up in thought. "Oh, yeah, I did."

He chuckles. "Woman, I think you need a planner or maybe a pen so you can write all this shit down on your arm, or something."

"Yeah, go find me a pen then, smartass," I toss the ball to Abel, "Catch."

"Nice catch, kiddo." Martin tells Abel as he picks up the ball from off the ground. "Hey, Jol. How's it going?"

"Good," Jolyon replies, "Wanna play?"

"Wish, I could, but I gotta get back to Ursa after your mom and I done talking," Martin tells him, "Maybe tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay." Jolyon nods, walking after the ball that his four year old brother threw askew."

"Lour, can you step in for me?"

"I can try." She gets up from the lawn chair. "Hey, Marty."

"Lourdes," Martin nods, blinking back to me, "Shall we?"

"Talk business? Yes, I think that would be appropriate."

"Cool."

Him and I stroll off. "I need the run teams to start looking for medicine."

"Don't they always?"

"Yeah, but I need this to be top priority," I retort, "We're low on a lot of serious meds and we need to make it our prime focus when we're out there."

"Okay, but you know I do dog runs?" He looks at me. "You have to talk to the hyenas, if you-"

"Would you stop calling them hyenas, for god sake?" I stifle a laugh.

"Hey, Vera was the one who started calling the taskers in charge of rerouting the dead away dogs after Lourdes' pooch," He laughs, "They go out and scavenge like hyenas, so…"

I roll my eyes. "What do you call those who don't go out at all? The ones who stay here and work?"

"Donkeys."

I arch my brow at him and he laughs. "Really? Because I've never met a bigger group of jackasses than-"

"Hush your mouth."

I chuckle a little. "Don't call them donkeys. Or hyenas...or dogs, okay?"

"It's all in good fun, Pip."

"Yeah, but we're not animals, Marty."

He turns his head. "Okay, we'll cut it out...prude."

I smile. "How's Ursa?"

"Clean as a whistle," He reports, "There was a weak, but it wasn't bad, I got it fixed in under an hour."

"Oh, impressive."

"Yeah, you think so?"

"I'm not so sure I could do that in under an hour."

"Could you do it at all?"

"Mm, nope, I couldn't."

We laugh.

"But anyway, I need you to relay that to the run teams. I'll pass it along tomorrow when I have time."

"You got it."

"Thanks."

Martin nods, tucking his hands in his jacket pockets. "How are the kids?"

"Good, thanks for asking."

"And you?"

"I'm...busy and tired as hell, but my kids are still breathing, so I'm fantastic."

He smiles. "Good to hear."

I smile back, crossing my arms against the cold.

"Uh, hey, listen, I was gonna make some eggplant parm tomorrow night and I was wondering if you could show me how to do that."

I snicker. "You like eggplant parm?"

"Not terribly, but I can eat anything when I'm hungry enough...or I have incentive to."

"Well, you don't appear to be starving, so what would be your incentive then?"

"The pleasure of having you over for dinner, " He answers, "And the boys, of course."

My smile lessens a little as I glance down at my feet. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, what do you say?"

"Um," I exhale, meeting his gaze, "Martin, I don't know."

"It's just dinner," He shrugs, "Your kids will be there, it's no big deal. Hell, you can even bring your other half with you."

I start to chuckle and so does he. Lourdes really is like my other half.

"I don't know, Marty, I-"

"Look, I know you said what happened between us a few weeks ago was a mistake, but...it didn't feel like that to me."

I look up at him. It didn't feel that way to me either. "I told you I'm…not ready for a relationship."

"It doesn't have to be a relationship," Martin says, "We could just be friends for now."

"What? With benefits?" I scoff, turning around, "Yeah, no thanks."

"I don't mean like that, Pip. Jesus, would you slow down a minute!"

I roll my eyes, coming to a stop.

Martin stands in front of me. "I meant we just hang out...maybe something happens down the line, when you're ready, maybe not."

I scan his eyes. "You're banking on something happening down the line."

"I'm hoping, yeah," Martin nods, "But if it doesn't, then it doesn't."

I stare at him in disbelief. "You'd be okay with that?"

"Jesus, what kinda asshole do you think I am?"

A grin creeps up on my face and it makes him smile.

"Ain't nobody here gonna mess with you anyway after what you did."

I shove his shoulder. "Shut your mouth."

"So, is that a...maybe?"

I settle my smile. "That's a definite maybe."

"Well, alright." He retorts, smiling brighter.

"Get back to work." I head back to the house.

"Yes, ma'am."

As I walk, my smile lowers. I'm not sure if it's because of how I felt just now, or how he feels.

…

"But the spider did not answer. She had fallen asleep. It had been a very, very busy day." I close the book. "The end."

"You're a very busy spider." Abel rubs his eyes, sleepy.

"I'm a very busy spider?" I put my arm around him.

"Yeah, you're busy a lot."

"I know," I lay my cheek on the top of his head, "Mommy's got a lot of work."

"You should take a break."

I smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, like a vacation."

"A vacation? Where would we go?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Put a pin in it and let me know when you figure it out, okay?"

"Okay."

"You ready for bed?"

"Yeah," He says with a yawn.

"Okay." I snuggle with him down into the covers. "Sleep tight."

"Sleep tight." Abel repeats.

"Mom?"

I open my eyes and glance over at the open door where my tall seven year old stands.

"Yeah?"

He looks back at me plainly. "I can't sleep."

"Why not? What's the matter?"

"I don't know," He shrugs, "I just can't."

"Okay…"I think for a second, "Do you maybe wanna come lay with us?"

"Um, okay." Jolyon comes over to the bed and climbs up on the other side of me. He lays facing me.

"What's wrong, punk?" I ask him. "You seemed a little down in the dumps today."

Jol shrugs his shoulder. "It's nothing."

"Is it because I'm working a lot?"

"No."

"...Is it because I let Abel play catch with us?" I inquire next. "Because if you want a little one on one time, all you have to do is ask."

"No, I don't care that he played," Jolyon tells me, "He needs to have his own mitt."

"Well, maybe for his birthday, we can see if we can scrape one up."

He nods. "Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Negan taught me how to throw, huh?"

I smile faintly. "Of course he did. You remember, you and him use to practice while I graded papers."

"Yeah…"His eyes trail down, "Sometime, I forget."

My smile fades off. "Forget?"

"Yeah, I don't know why, but sometimes I forget about him. Like what he sounds like or what he looks like."

I feel a heaviness in my chest.

"What if he's alive and we find him, but we don't know it's him, because we forget what looks like?"Jol's eyes look up to mine in question. "And what if when he tells us it's him, we don't know because we forgot his voice?"

I smile softly for him. "If he's out there somewhere and we find him, or he finds us, you can bet your bottom we'd know exactly who he was. And he'd know us."

"You think so?"

"I know so," I confidently tell him, "Who could forget a terrific person like Negan? And who could forget a terrific kid like you?"

Jolyon peers over at Abel curled up under my arm. "That'd be cool if we did find him. Then Abel could meet him."

"Yeah, that'd be pretty cool." I sigh.

"Do you still look for him?"

My eyes gaze into the dark. "Yeah."

"Do you think Dad's alive in Texas?"

"I...I think there's a good chance," I smile over at him, "That place was always bragging about packing heat, so hopefully they can own up to it."

He smiles a little. "Yeah."

I run my hand over his head. "I love you, Jol."

"I love you, too, Mom."

We both remain quiet, until we fall asleep. In the middle of this, I think about Negan.

I wish I could say I thought about him a lot. But I don't; I've been so busy the last few years with keeping my family alive and working to build our community that I've forgotten to look for him.

After so long of looking, even in dead faces one has to stop and focus on the living, focus on the bigger picture.

I tell my sons that I still look for him, but in truth, I stopped by time the youngest had his first birthday, which was around the same that my father had died.

It was a hard thing to do, but I had to. I had to look out for my own instead of going out on a one person search party for him. He'd understand that, I like to think.

I do think of him sometimes. Not often, but I do. Our son has his eyes and his smile. And his laugh. Jolyon asked what if we forget him, but I never could.

That's when I think of him, when I remember that I'm supposed to be looking for him; when Abel reminds me of him.

…

The next morning is foggy and because I think my boys missed me a little yesterday, I take the morning to sleep in and make breakfast with leisure. The boys argued at first whether we were having blueberry, or cinnamon streusel muffins, so I made both with some eggs and hashbrowns.

"Mom, Abel won't put on his long johns!"

"Put on your long johns, Abel, it's cold outside!" I call out from the kitchen.

"I don't like them!" Abel complains.

"You will put them on to keep warm!"

"No way!" He chuckles.

"Abel!" Jolyon groans.

I smile, hearing the sound of his feet coming this way. "Abel Joseph Smith," I swing around and catch him up in my arms, "You put those long underwear on right now, or I'll paddle your bottom!"

"No, no!" He laughs wildly. "Don't spank me!"

I cackle with him. "Put on your long johns, please. I don't want you to get cold, if you go out."

"I'll wear pants."

"You're darn right you'll wear pants, but you will also put on your long johns or...you can't have hash browns."

"But they're my favorite!"

"Well, then you better have Jol go help you into those long johns, huh?" I set him down.

"Okay, okay!" Abel runs to the one room in the house aside from the bathroom, which is where we all change.

The front door opens and the padding of Cleo's paws lets me know it's Lourdes. "Morning!"

"Morning."

"Oh, are you making muffins?"

"I am, did you smell it from next door?"

"I did," She snickers, "Is there enough for me?"

"Always." I close the oven door, turning around. "How was your cozy night alone?"

She smirks mischievously. "Well…"

I chuckle. "May I ask who?"

"Jim."

"Oh, nice, he's a hottie. Respectfully."

She raises her brows. "There's definitely something to respect."

"I didn't know you two were a thing."

"We're not," She shoos, sitting down, "It was just a little fun is all. An itch."

"Oh, okay."

"I like him, he's a cool guy and all, but…"

"But?"

"But-"

"Aunt Lourdes!" Abel cheers.

"Hey, baby!" Lourdes helps him up on her lap. "How are you this fine morning?"

"I wiped my booger on a tissue and then threw it away."

"Well, look at you, all accomplished."

"Do you wanna go on vacation with us?"

"Vacation?" She kisses his cheek. "What vacation?"

"Mom's busy, so we're gonna go on vacation."

"Oh, yeah?" She looks over at me and I smile, shrugging.

"Yeah," Abel glances my way as well, "I know where we can go, Mom."

"You do, huh?"

"Yeah," He smiles, "We can go where dad is and play with him."

My eyes move from my son to Lourdes who has the same look on her face as I do. When I look back to Abel I smile.

There's a knock on the door.

"Come in!"

It's Martin. "Hey."

"Hey," I tuck some hair behind my ear, "What's up?"

He hikes his thumbs backwards. "You got a visitor."

"Oh? Who?"

"That Jesus fella."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Mom, can I have a little butter, please?"

"Of course you can." I shave a little curl of yellow butter from our homemade stick and spread it between Abel's two halves of a warm, blueberry muffin.

"Thank you."

"You are very welcome," I look over at Lourdes, who's standing by the window meditatively, "Lour, breakfast."

"Mhm." She replies, eyes focused outside.

I serve the boys some hashbrowns from the skillet. "So, no one wants eggs?"

"No." They both answer in unison.

I glance to Lourdes again. "Did Cleo eat already?"

"What?" She looks back for a moment. "Oh, yeah, but go ahead and give it to her."

"Okay," I sigh, before I whistle at her, "Alright, mama, come get it."

The dog trots over with excitement and sits promptly at my feet, while I push the scrambled eggs onto a small plate. When I set it down on the floor, she merrily goes to town. Lourdes feeds her a concoction of rice, kibble, and bone broth every morning and every night. I don't know why the rice and broth; dog chow is easier to find than human food these days, but so long as we're not running thin on food, I don't give a shit what she feeds her.

Poor thing is the last one who gets to eat around here, if rations runs low. It doesn't happen a lot, especially not now that we've built a stable living, but since we've got children to feed, as well as ourselves, Cleo becomes last priority. But, since we have plenty of dog kibble, she'll never have to worry.

"She's really hungry." Abel says, leaning back to watch her eat.

"Nah, she's just a pig." I peer over at Lourdes by the window for the millionth time. I'm starting to lose my patience. "Lour, would you come away from the window? You look like you're waiting for bad news."

"Maybe I am," She murmurs, before looking at me, "Whatever he wants, you can't give it to him."

"How do you-"

"Because he's never here for a social visit," She returns to the window, "He always greets you with a charming smile and I laundry list of shit he wants to haul back to his freeloading community."

"From what he tells me about Hilltop, they do pretty well for themselves."

"Yeah?" She cocks her saucy brow. "Then why the hell do they always need to borrow from us?" Lourdes scoffs. "Borrow….that's a funny way of saying take without repaying."

"Paul's a honest guy," I brush my hand over Jol's head as I walk over to her, "I trust him when he says that Hilltop will pay back what they took."

"Then why haven't they done it yet?" She looks me over. "Better yet; why haven't you asked him to repay it?"

I shrug. "We're never in need."

"Yeah, well, I'm not the only one who doesn't look forward to his pop in visits."

I spot Jesus walking up to the house from the window.

"And don't pretend like you don't weep for your wallet when he comes around."

I breath, before going over to the door and answering it when he knocks, just as I touch the handle.

"Good morning." He smiles a friendly smile.

"Morning," I put my hand out, "What a pleasant surprise it is to see you."

He snickers a little as he takes my hand. "I can never tell if you're being genuine, or just a smart ass."

"Neither can I most times," I step aside, "Come on in."

"Hi, Jesus." Jolyon greets him from the table.

"Hello again," Jesus smiles with a wave, "And hello to you, Abel."

"Hi!" Abel waves back.

"Would you like some breakfast?" I offer. "Everything's still warm."

"Thank you, but I ate before I came here," He nods towards Lourdes, "Lourdes."

She stares at him with a plain mouth. "Jesus."

"We never have to worry about the winter cold," I tell Jesus, treading over to the coffee table and chairs, "Because Lourdes keeps the place nice and toasty with her radiant personality, as I'm sure you've already learned."

She tells me to go fuck myself in Spanish, which makes both Jolyon and Abel look up at her. Abel's gasp at the bad word, thus makes Jesus glance over with what I have to assume is the notion that something was said.

I clear my throat, smiling when he looks at me. "Why don't we talk outside?"

"Sure." He agrees and the two of us venture out to the side.

"So, how have you been?"

"Fairly well," Jesus nods, "Hilltop-"

"I didn't ask how all of Hilltop was doing, Paul," I say with a plain smile, "I asked how you were."

"If my community is doing well, then I'm doing well."

"Strange of you to say, considering you spend so much time roaming. Did you walk here?"

"You know me, I like to roam," He smiles, "But I'm always willing to help my people as best I can."

"Then why don't you stick around and dig some earth?" I ask with the same, composed smile. "Seems the best way to help people you're 'always willing to help'."

"Yeah," Jesus nods, looking down at the ground, "Except sometimes you need a little more than a shovel to make ends meet, especially when you're desperate."

"I would've thought a shovel would be the perfect tool in times of desperation," I smartly remark, growing my smile when he smiles in humor, "Are you desperate?"

"No, but...we are a little short on food this month."

"I thought you said you were doing fairly well."

"Fairly well, not great, or...thriving," He recovers, "We're not Halcyon."

"I wouldn't know, I've never seen the place," I retort, "You've never invited me."

"Hilltop's four hours away."

"Better a four hour drive than a four day drive."

Jesus stops his stroll, looking at me. "You want to go to Hilltop?"

"I've been telling you for awhile that I'd like to meet with your leader," I confirm, "I know you said that he likes to keep things distant, but if he's willing to take my food, he better fucking nut up and be willing to talk to me."

"He's just...leery, Pippa," Jesus shrugs, "It's easy enough in this world."

"Yeah, but I think my people have proven to be pretty reliable," I say, glancing over from my garden, "A reliable source that is."

Paul meets my eyes. "If you feel we're taking advantage of you, then-"

"I don't think you're taking advantage of me, Paul," I interrupt with an exhale, "But we do give to your colony quite a bit and it's just a slap in the face to be treated with such indignance."

"I intend on paying you back in full," He vows earnestly, "I gave you my word. You're my friend, Pippa."

I look him in the eye and I believe him. I nod. "You're my friend, too, Paul."

He goes to say something, but I'm not finished.

"And I'm glad you intend on paying me back, but as it happens, I do need something from you. Or rather, you're community."

Jesus seems a little taken back. I've never asked for repayment. "Uh, what is it that you need?"

"We're running low on meds," I tell him, "Antibiotics, insulin in the like. I'd really appreciate it, if Hilltop could trade us in exchange for the food you need."

His face grows uneasy. "Oh...well, I'd...have to discuss it with Gregory."

"Sure," I nod my head, "Better yet, why don't I come with you with the food you need and we can all discuss it together? I think we should establish a fairer bartering system, if you want to continue doing business with Halcyon."

Jesus nods back. "Okay."

"So, we have a deal then?"

He smiles, putting his hand out. "We have a deal."

I shake his hand, keenly observing him. "Good."

Jesus snickers, nodding again.

"What?"

"Nothing," He shakes his head with a fond smile, "It's just...I still remember you how you were before and how you are now."

I smile faintly. "I've always been how I am now. You just saw me when I was down on my luck."

He chuckles. "Right."

I hear talking from inside the house. "I promised my boys I'd spend some time with them today," I look over, "Would you mind maybe sticking around? We can leave first thing in the morning."

"Not at all," He says, "I'm in no rush to get back."

I can't help but flinch my brows at that, perplexed. But I guess it doesn't matter. "I'm gonna go back inside. I'm starving."

"Of course."

"You're welcome to come inside."

"Thanks, but I think I might come back later this evening," He smiles in thought, "I'd like to go sit for awhile by the brook."

"Suit yourself."

"You're the only friendly face here," Paul replies, "I don't intend on overstaying my welcome."

I shrug. "If we can make a deal with your people tomorrow, then before you know it, you'll be swift friends with mine."

"I'd like that."

"So would I." I say under my breath as I head back inside.

"Well?"

I look over my shoulder as I shut the door. "Well?"

"What's he want this time?" Lourdes puts her hands on her perfectly shaped hips.

"Food." I go over to the table to grab a muffin.

"You told him no, right?"

"I told him yes."

Lourdes rolls her eyes. "Ah, Dios mío."

"Let me finish, before you start giving me shit," I bite a cinnamon muffin, "I said yes, but only under the condition that he take me to Hilltop to strike up a bartering deal with his leader."

She gathers her brows to the middle. "What good does that do for us? They've got shit."

"Jesus-"

"Pippa, Jesus says they are a well-established colony, but they fucking need something from us constantly," She fires at me, "He's lying to you, tonta."

"You're mean today, Lourdes." Abel says at the table.

"Today?" I cock my brow at him, before looking back at her. "We need meds, Lour. They have it. You think Hilltop should repay us, well I'm finally getting that taken care of."

She shakes her head in both disbelief and uncertainty. "No sé."

…

I have some of my people load up a truck full of produce, rice, flour, and more. Despite her reservations, or maybe because of them, Lourdes agreed to go with me and Jesus tomorrow. Martin and Connor offered to follow behind for backup. We don't really know what kind of people the Hilltop colonists are, so I agree to let them come along.

I check my watch. It's nine-thirty on the dot. I had to leave the kids with Lydia after dinner. God bless her, she'll never be able to get Abel down for bed.

I take inventory of all the food we're giving Hilltop on the wooden sidewalk. It's a seperate log I've kept since we first started. I've always known Jesus, since before the world changed. He's always been a traveler. We ran into one another again while Lour and I were out on a run. He didn't ask for anything in the beginning of his visits, but over the last year, it's without fail that he comes for the sake of his community.

I've always been willing to give to them, because him and I are friends, and because I believe in helping people. There has always been the promise that I'll be paid back for helping Hilltop, but it's never happened. I haven't insisted, because we've never been hurt by the loss of resources, but I've kept a log of everything. Now that we're in need, it's time for Hilltop to help us out.

I imagine this Gregory asshole must think I'm some stupid, foolish woman to just give like this and not demand even exchange. He can keep thinking that until he meets me.

"Pippa."

I look away from the truck. "Hey."

"Yeah, hey," Martin tucks his hands in his jacket pockets, "A lot of folks aren't too happy about this. Winter hasn't hit heavy yet."

"We'll be fine," I reply, glancing back, "We've been preparing for the kind of winter that only happens in Canada. Tell the unhappy folks not to worry; they're hard work will keep us going."

"Yeah, but I think it's more about the principal of the thing."

"Well, I'm fixing that tomorrow."

His breath curls out into the cold air. "What if this guy's a dick?"

"I have no doubts he's a dick," I tell Martin with a smirk, "in fact, I'm counting on it. But he'll want to change his attitude. We're the stronger community all the way around. We'll be fine without them, I don't think they can say the same."

"Sure, but this time, they have something we need."

"I know."

He looks at me. "What if they don't give it to us?"

"They're in debt to us; we're not leaving until something's forked over."

"And if he tells us to get the fuck out?"

"Then we cut ties, find it somewhere else," I answer him, "Everything worthwhile in this world nowadays is hidden. We just have to look for it."

"Huh, I thought we won't be leaving without what we're going there for?"

"I did say that, didn't I?"

I stare down at the crates being loaded up in the truck for the far away community. A place that, from what Jesus has told me, is smaller than us. A place that can't seem to stand on its own two feet.

"Pippa."

I blink away from the truck and my thoughts to find Jesus approaching us.

"I just want to say thanks again," He thanks me with a genuine smile, "I can't tell you how much my people appreciate this."

Martin scoffs at that, like it's rich. I think everyone here would, except me.

"I'm glad I can help."

"You're a good leader," He adds, "Wish I can say the same for mine, but as I'm sure you've already guessed, he's lacking in some areas."

"Well, maybe Pip here can give 'im some pointers," Martin says with his twang and smirk, "But her methods include blood and take over and since he's the current leader of Hilltop, I can't see how he'd be successful there."

I give him a sharp look, before blinking back to Jesus. "I talked to Meredith. You can sleep in one of the hospital beds in the hospital."

"Thank you." He nods, going off in that direction.

I turn my sight on Martin. "What the hell was that?"

"What?"

"'Blood and take over'?" I arch a brow. "You fucking made it sound like I murdered Walter."

"You didn't, you murdered Hansen."

I roll my eyes and turn to walk off. "For good reason."

"No one thinks otherwise," He follows, "Not even Walt, which is why he knows he can't contest against you."

"I'm gonna go home," I tell him, "Get a good night's sleep. Oh, and make sure the trucks parked by the front gate." I peek to my side. "I wanna take the main road to avoid getting stuck in the mud tomorrow."

"Sure thing, baby."

I grab his jacket and pull him to the alley between the buildings. "Do not call me baby."

He looks me over as his back's against the wall. "I meant it like, dude, or pal. Not like that."

I scan his face, letting him go. I don't like men calling me baby. Or darlin'. Or anything with affectionate tones.

Martin breathes out. "Hoo. Thanks for not slitting my throat."

"God," I groan, "Shut up."

I reach over and take his jacket again, but this time to lay a hot kiss on his lips. I then stalk off in the direction of home.

"I thought you wanted to be friends?"

"I do."

"Well, that was a little too friendly, don't you think?" He calls out.

I smirk. "I don't know what you're talking about."

As I walk, I notice a red light flickering. It's just from a cigarette. Sometimes the smell of the smoke makes me want to take up the habit again. But I haven't smoked or drank in years, not since I got sober. Besides, I'm not gonna let damn a cigarette be my death. Not in this world.

I notice who the smoker is and so I shift casually to the right side of the street. "Evening."

"Hey." She blows the smoke out from her pretty lips.

"Where's your sister?"

"Your house," She replies, "Lydia wasn't feeling good, so she asked Rav to come over to watch the boys."

I nod my head. I pluck the cigarette from between Nanda's fingers as I pass her, flicking it. "Smoking's bad for you."

"You would know," She cooly says, "Hey, do you trust that guy?"

I ignore her slight comment and question and walk down a little more to my house. Nanda drove to my house when the world was changing, because their parents never came back from Ann Arbor and Ravinder remembered that I told her to come by if she needed anything. Luckily, it just so happened to be on a day Lourdes and I went to look for the cat.

Nanda's still a little snippy with me here and there like she was when she was a teenager, but we're cool. It's just in her personality to be sort of a indifferent, cold-appearing bitch.

I walk through the front door. It's quiet and the only light one is a candle in a lantern on the kitchen table. Jolyon's asleep on the small bed that sits widthwise against the wall right outside my bedroom. It's technically in the living room, but he wanted his own space and since the house, as aforementioned, has two rooms separate from from the open space, bathroom included, he sleeps right there.

I tread lightly to my bedroom, where I find Ravinder slumped by my bed with her head resting on top of it, and Abel laying under the covers. I know she didn't get him to bed, even though he likes her. It was probably Jolyon. The only people who can get that little stinker to bed are Jolyon, Lourdes, and I.

I want to gently wake Ravinder up, but I can't. I still have something I need to do.

…

The gate's heavy, but one person can get it open.

The door to the truck is opened as quietly as possible. He sits in the driver's seat and closes the door with just as much care. The keys are in the ignition, so he turns on the vehicle.

He drives through the front entrance. At first, it seems he's not going to stop to close the gate. He can't lock it from the outside anyway. But, he does stop and gets out of the truck. He returns quickly, shutting the car door, and then taking off down the road.

He exhales like he had been holding his breath the whole time. His eyes look as though they are looking back at the community from his mirror.

He sighs again. "Shit."

I slide the window open. "Did you forget something?"

His eyes dart and he turns his head.

I stick the barrel of my gun through the little window. "Stop the car, Paul."

I think he contemplates not doing it by the look from his eyes in the mirror.

"If you don't, I will."

Jesus nods with a breathe and slows the car to a stop.

I stand up in the bed of the truck, slipping out of the canvas tarp that covered it all, and climb out on the side. "Lucky thing you stopped. It'd be dangerous for me to be back there when I shot the tire out."

I point my gun to the back tire and fire a bullet into it. Paul stares at it and then at me with any notion he had of being quick and taking off going as flat as the tire.

"How did you know?"

"The first time we ran into each other, you tried to steal the meds Martin and I found in that clinic, before you knew it was me."

Jesus nods his head, remembering.

I holster the gun. "Everytime you come around, for as long as you have, people always question whether or not I trust you and you know what I tell them? I tell them that I trust you."

I look up at him.

"Because I do trust you, Jesus. Because you're my friend. Because in all the years I have known you, you've never given me reason not to trust you...until this morning. When I could tell you didn't want to take me to Hilltop."

"Believe me, Pippa, I didn't want to do this to you. I want our communities to come together," He speaks, "But-"

"But what?"

Jesus looks at me with saddish eyes. "The world is so much bigger than you know."

I knit my brows. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I can't take you to Hilltop," He explains, "I've never offered, because I can't."

"Why not?" I ask, still perplexed as well as angry. "I've given your people a lot over the past year. I told mine you were a friend and now you're stealing from me."

"I didn't want it to be this way," He shakes his head, "But you weren't gonna give me the food unless I took you to Hilltop and I can't take you there."

"Why? Tell me why."

Jesus peers at me, then looks down. The crickets fill the quiet space.

I sniff up, feeling the air burn my cheek. I nod, bitter, but composed. "There's a spare in the back."

He looks up, bewildered.

I turn to start walking back to the fort. "We're done; don't come back."

"Pippa."

I don't reply, I just keep walking, done. I hear him sigh what sounds like a defeated sigh.

"Pippa, wait," Paul calls behind me, "I need your help."

"Yeah, well, you could have had my help" I scoff, "Now, you better hope that food lasts your people the winter."

"It's not for my people'" He replies out, "It's for the Saviors."

I slow my stride to a halt. I turn halfway, looking over to him with a raised brow. "Saviors?"

"Yes," He nods, exhaling like he's got a weight off, "The Saviors come once a month to Hilltop and demand half of everything we have."

"They're a neighboring community?"

"Yeah," Jesus confirms, "but they aren't neighborly; They showed up one day out of the blue and laid down the rules. They take half in exchange for protection.'

"From who? Them?"

"Exactly."

I pivot my body until I'm facing him. "Have you tried to fight?"

"We can't," He shrugs, "The people of Hilltop are more farmers than fighters, but even if we wanted to, we couldn't; they took all our guns the first day."

"Find new guns."

"They outnumber us, Pippa. Besides, everyone's too afraid. That same day they came, the one in charge said he had to set an example of how serious they were about our arrangement."

I look over his sad face with curiosity. "And?"

"And he killed Rory to put fear into all of us," Jesus answers solemnly, "He was only sixteen. He got beat to death in front of all of us."

I let out a sharp, angry breath. "And your leader stood for this?"

"Gregory doesn't like confrontation," He glances at the dark woods, "Plus, he's too afraid of their leader."

I nod, mulling the information.

"The Saviors are why I can't take you to Hilltop," Jesus reveals to me, "You were right a minute ago; we are friends and you can trust me. If the Saviors knew about Halcyon, they'd ruin it. Hilltop was beautiful and thriving once, too."

I breathe calmly through my nose, blinking up to him. "So, you've been using us as a way to make weight?"

"If we don't have anything to give them, then they'll kill one of us again. Maybe more than one."

I tuck my cold hands into my jacket pockets, thinking. "That's why Gregory doesn't want to meet; he doesn't want to lose a strong vein of income."

"I know it's a shitty thing to do, Pip, but I'm keeping my people afloat, while also keeping you from having to suffer what we suffer."

"You don't have medicine, do you?"

"No, they take most of it."

I glance at the truck briefly. "I have people who need the insulin."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, you need our help, right?" I peer his way, "What if we got the Saviors to back off?

"They're not people who can be reasoned with, Pippa."

"But you asked for my help."

"I meant-"

"You meant we should keep helping you make ends meet?" I cross my arms. "That's not happening. Let me help you by getting these assholes off your back."

"I-"

"Paul, if these people are as bad as you say they are, then you can't keep living like this and I won't supply you to provide for them."

Jesus sighs, frustrated, looking towards the woods.

"Listen, we can help you," I tell him with earnesty, "We can get rid of them and then our communities can work together peacefully."

"I...I don't know, Pippa," Jesus puts his hands on his hips, "I'd...have to talk to my people about it."

"We can take them out for you, if your people have reservations."

"What like mercenaries?" He looks at me with a lifted brow. "You'd be okay with that?"

"The Saviors sound like violent thugs," I shrug, "I don't want them coming my way."

Jesus looks down as if thinking about it.

"You have my word, Paul."

He glances back up. He exhales, stroking his beard. "Let me talk to my people."

"Come back with me, tonight," I counter, "We can go tomorrow and settle this."

"No," He shakes his head, "I need to get back and I want to scope things out before we do anything. We have to be rational about this."

I look him over, thinking, before I nod in agreement. "Need help changing the tire?"

…

I get home around three-fifteen, from where Jesus and I were. I lock the front entrance and tread to the house, deep in thought.

"Pip."

I'm disrupted by Lourdes calling my name. She's standing by my door. She must have sent Rav home and took over watching my kids. She's got a look on her face that tells me she's been waiting up for me.

"Well?"

"He's gone." I report, brushing past her to get inside, "I let him go."

"You let him go?" She closes the door mildly. "Why? He stole from us."

"He was desperate. His people need that food."

"That's not our problem," She retorts, pissed, "Especially not if he steals from us."

I sit down in the arm chair, glancing over at Jolyon, asleep on his bed. "He didn't steal from us, I let him have the food."

"After you caught him trying to make off with it," She scoffs, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Like I said, he needs it for his people."

"And like I said, that's not our problem," Lourdes saucily answers, "What are you gonna tell people when they discover what's happened in four or five hours?"

"I'm gonna eat crow and then I'm gonna set out to find Hilltop."

"To get what you just gave to him back?"

"No," I run my hands over my face, "To sit in wait."

"In wait for what?"

"For the Saviors to come," I tell her, looking up at her cross armed stance and knitted brows, "Or for the colonists to go to the Saviors."

"Who the hell are the Saviors?"

I glance down at the oriental rug. "They're the people who are shaking Hilltop down."

"What?" She furrows her brows even more. "What are you talking about?"

"Jesus said that Hilltop has to give half of everything to the Saviors every month, or else the Saviors threaten to kill someone."

"Why don't they fight back?"

"Because the Saviors took all their guns," I explain plainly to her, "And because they're afraid of them. Apparently, they killed a teenager the first time meeting to prove a point."

Lourdes' eyes scan me in the dark. "How do you know he's not lying?"

"He's not."

"Really? Is that your friendship talking? Because it seems like an awfully convenient story to pull out of his hat now that he fell into a trap. A trap you set by the way, because your gut was telling you something was up."

"Something is up," I argue, "It's just worse than I thought."

"How do you know he's telling the truth?"

I peer up from the rug, meeting her frustrated eyes. "Because I trust him."

She shakes her head with a rude shrug. "That's it?"

"It doesn't matter," I stretch back my shoulders, "We need medicine and I'll do whatever it takes to get it."

Lour looks me over, reading my face. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning...I've offered to take care of the issue for Hilltop in exchange for meds and trade."

"You mean kill these Saviors?"

I feel a pit in my stomach. I aloofly inspect the palms of my hands. "Yes."

Lourdes is silent. "Are we contract killers now?"

"No, we're people who fight for a better world. It's not always a clean task."

"Yeah, but this is none of our business."

"It could be, if the Saviors find us."

"Let's not worry about people four hours away."

"It's not that far."

"It's not our fight."

I lick my lips. "Well, Jesus is gonna talk it over with his people."

Lourdes rests on the arm of the small couch. "This isn't right. This whole situation feels bad, Pippa."

"My people need medicine," I turn my head, "And I want to establish ties with Hilltop. I'm not letting anyone get in the way of that." I rise up. "And we're not waiting for Jesus to come back."

"What do you mean?"

"We're going tomorrow. I'm not waiting for my people to get sick and die."

I stare at the wall in thought for a moment, before fixing Jolyon's blanket up to his shoulder. I then without another word go into my bedroom. I dress down for bed and gingerly climb in, careful not to wake Abel.

He rests peacefully curled up under the covers. I lay a small, light kiss on his temple, before I lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Lourdes lets herself out.

…

It takes the small team about two hours to get everything ready. I was planning on going myself, just to scout it out, but Lourdes wasn't letting that happen and neither was Martin and a few others.

People are pissed, no doubt about it. I told them as much of the truth as was necessary. I told them that the Hilltop Colony was being extorted and that's why Jesus did what he did. I don't think it mattered tremendously to them, he stole from us, but I didn't hear a word of argument when I told them the grave nature of the people they were dealing with. Probably glad they don't have the same problem.

"You're going to be good for Lydia, do you understand?"

"Yes!"

"And you'll listen to your brother?"

"Yeah." Abel nods his head, before he hugs me. "When will you be back?"

"As soon as possible," I hug him tight, kissing his forehead, "You won't even have time to miss me."

"Okay."

I hug him again. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

I smile, standing up. I look over at Jolyon. "Watch after Abel for me, okay? Make sure he behaves."

"Okay, Mom."

I put out my arms. "Can I have a hug, or are you too cool?"

He smiles faintly, before coming over to hug me.

"Why the long face?"

"I don't know."

I tilt his chin up. "I'll be back, Jol. I've never not come back, have I?"

He shakes his head. "No."

I smooth my hand over his head. "Don't worry, okay?"

"Can I come with you?"

"No, you can't."

"But I've come with you other times."

"That was different," I put my jacket on, "These people are alive."

"But-"

"I need you to look after Abel," I look at him sternly, "I might be gone overnight and I need someone who can get him to go to bed."

Jolyon wants to argue, but doesn't. "Okay, fine."

"Thank you." I kiss the top of his head. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

The boys walk with me to the front of Halcyon. Lourdes and the dog catch up. Cleo's not coming with us, since she's been trained to bark whenever she sees the dead, which might give us away.

"Jol, you know how to feed her, right?"

"Yeah. Half rice, half kibble with warm broth in the morning and night."

"Good boy."

I see my team by the two cars. "Everything's set?"

"Yes, ma'am." Martin reports with a smirk.

I stifle a smile and look to Nanda with a frown. "Put out the cigarette before you get in."

"Aye, aye, captain."

I look down at my kids. "Alright, I've gotta go. Be nice to each other and mind Lydia."

"Okay."

"Bye, Mom." Abel hugs my legs. "Let's go on vacation when you come back."

"Okay, sounds like a plan."

After our second round of goodbyes, I get into the car where Martin, Lourdes, and Connor are already buckled in. The other car has Nanda, Tracy, Kurt, Ellis, and Quinn.

Martin pulls forward as the gates open and we head north. I don't know where Hilltop is, but the map shows few roads in that direction Jesus drove last night. I figured we head that way until we reach the little towns, where we'll then scout to see if anyone's been by them.

It might take a few days, but we'll find somebody.

* * *

 **Thank you all for the awesome support! I'm so happy you all are excited for the sequel.**

 **I know this chpater was a bit underwheliming, but Pip's gonna learn the truth next chapter!**


	3. Chapter 3

I see the flashlight a few yards away and trudge through the woods towards it in the dark. It rained earlier this evening, so the ground sticks to my boots. Martin shines the lights downward as he gets closer to me.

"Coast is clear."

"Yeah, same here," I report, turning to walk in the same direction as him, "Let's head back to camp. I'm tired as hell."

"I told you to get some shut eye in the car."

"And I told _you_ , I don't take orders from subordinates."

He cracks a smile. "It was more of a friendly suggestion than an order, but whatever."

I yawn big. "I can never sleep in the car anyway. Or any place that isn't home."

"Well, maybe we should head back," He suggests looking at me, "You know, rest up and regroup."

"No, we're close," I stick my hands in my wool-lined pockets, "We'll find 'em by tomorrow. I guarantee you."

"Come on, Pip; you're tired," Martin eggs, "You aren't sleeping, because you miss the boys."

I peer down as I walk, silently acknowledging that to be the truth.

"What do you say we go home?" He looks up at sky as it starts to drizzle. "It's been nearly a week and we've only found leadless traces."

"You can go home," I tell him sincerely, "Take anyone who wants to go back, but I'm finding Hilltop and they're gonna take me to these Saviors."

Martin stops in his tracks and turns to face me. He shrugs. "Why? This isn't our fight, Pip."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not," He shakes his head in a scoff, "We don't know either of these places or people."

"We know-"

"We know Jesus," He cuts me off, "And he fucking stole from us when you asked him to pay us back."

"He didn't steal, I let him have it." I continue to walk.

"Yeah, but that was after the fact that he took off," Martin follows, "Look, all I'm saying is we don't owe these people anything, so why the hell are we going on this little crusade for people we're told are dangerous?"

"Because we need to resupply our community with medicine," I go around a tree in my way, "We've got aspirin and imodium. Our community is only as strong as our people and we're vulnerable, if another flu hits like it did when we were starting out."

"So, you think by doing this, whatever the plan is exactly, Hilltop will be so grateful, they'll be throwing insulin and antibiotics at our feet like roses?"

"No, we'll take the meds that they gave to the Saviors and then establish trade with Hilltop."

"And if the Saviors tell us to fuck off?"

I peer over at him as we walk, not saying anything as I shift my gaze forward again.

"...So, the plan is to kill these people and ask questions later."

"I told you what Jesus told me; these people are thugs. Extortionists and murderers. You think they'll just say sorry and play nice?"

Martins exhales, frustrated. "Yeah, that's the other thing, Pippa, how do you know Jesus is telling the truth?"

"Because he's my friend and I trust him."

"I think he knows that and plays you like a harp."

I scoff, offended. "Give me a little credit, Martin, I didn't get where I am, because I'm pretty."

"No, and you haven't stayed there by being a pushover either."

I stop and furrow my brows at him. "Are you saying I'm a pushover with Jesus?"

"You let him have a truck load of shit he tried to steal."

"That was on good faith," I growl, "Faith that he would extend my offer to his leader to work together and build a bridge between our communities."

"All we have to do is kill the big bad wolf," He argues, "How do you know the Saviors are bad, huh? How do you know they aren't just some other tit these assholes aren't feeding off of that got tired of being used?"

"They beat a kid to death."

"Who said that? Jesus?"

I roll my eyes and keep walking.

"All I'm saying, Pip, is there's something strange about all this."

"Well, if you're getting the heebie-jeebies than go the fuck home."

"You know, I'm not gonna leave you out here."

"Well, then shut up and do as I say."

He sighs, before treading behind me. Then, he chuckles below his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," Martins replies, "I just get a little turned on when you take that tone with me."

I roll my eyes again. "What tone? Authoritative?"

"I like powerful women."

I can't help but smile a little, despite being angry. "Yeah, well, like I told you before, I'm off romance."

"Yeah…" He goes quiet.

Knowing Martin, it's for no reason. No disappointment, or sadness from my words, just him contently walking back to camp with me. But I, however, have this nagging hold in me that tells me to not keep him in the dark like this.

I sigh through my nose. "Look, Marty, I've just had rough luck in the past. It's not you, it's me and I mean that a hundred percent."

"I know, you told me," He mildy answers, "I get it."

"I don't think you do," I tell him, looking over to the fire a few feet away, "Smells like dinner."

Connor glances up as he stirs a spoon inside a pot that hangs above the fire. "It's got a few minutes."

"Lour and Tracy back yet?"

"Nah, but they should be pretty soon."

I nod my head, warming my hands by the fire. "I'm gonna head to the car. Call it a night."

"Don't you wanna eat?" Martin asks.

"No, too tired." I head to the two cars we have parked here in the woods. I open the door to the Jeep I've managed to keep running after all this time.

"Hey."

I turn at Martin's voice. "What?"

"I'm sorry if I pissed you off back there," He says, "I don't think you're a pushover."

"Mm, you do a little."

He exhales, smoothing back his damp hair. "I just don't get why he wouldn't ask for our help sooner. I mean, it makes sense wouldn't it? You need help, you ask. You don't keep it all a secret and keep living in fear."

I shrug. "They didn't want to lose their supply chain, if the Saviors found out about us."

Martin huffs. "That's nice."

"Martin, just trust me, alright? I'm not making a hasty, naive call here. I know what I'm doing."

He nods. "Okay."

I scan his face. "It's not about Hilltop, or the Saviors. It's about us, because we are who matters."

Martin picks his gaze up.

"At least in my books," I add, "Everything that I do is for the preservation of Halcyon. For the future."

"I know," Martin breathes, "I just...don't know if this will get us there."

"It will," I guarantee him, "Trust me."

"I do trust you," He grins, "Heart and soul, I trust you."

I smile at his words. If he leaned over to kiss me, I would let him. I would kiss him back.

A snapping sound, like a small fallen branch under boot, gains my attention. I ebb my smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Lourdes says back, looking between us, "We just got back. It's clear on our end."

"Same with us." I report, shyly holding my elbows.

"Food's ready."

"I'm not eating," I look back up at Martin, "Better go eat; I want to be up early tomorrow."

"Yes, ma'am," Martin says in his smart way, "Get some sleep."

He walks to the campfire, where everyone's eating canned sausage gravy with staling biscuits and meat from the ducks Martin and Ellis shot yesterday. It smells divine, but I can't eat.

"You sure you aren't hungry?" Lourdes asks. "You've never been a girl to turn down biscuits gravy."

"Yeah, I'm not hungry."

"Did I…" She suanters closer, "Interrupt something?"

"A conversation."

"Your face didn't look like it was interested in conversation." She teases.

I roll my eyes. "Martin and I are friends."

"You told me you and him fucked, remember?"

"We didn't fuck," I snap below my breath, "We had sex."

"Yeah, hot and heavy in the woods," She leans her arm on the car door, "You little frisky bumpkins."

"We were in a truck, asshole."

"Romantic," Lourdes takes a quick glance back at the site, "I don't know why you're so secretive about it."

"I should write it in the sky that we hooked up once to everyone at home?"

"No, but you two have been smitten for a while now and I don't know why-"

"Because I've learned my lesson, Lour," I tell her, "Relationships are nothing but brimstone and fire for me." I pull my hair up to tie it out of my face. "I'm through getting burned up."

"Martin's a good man, Pippa," She argues, "I think you'd find he's different from all your previous flames."

"Yeah, but I tend to get knocked up by dudes I go around with, so…"

"Well, if you'd practice safe sex…"

I give her a look. "Right. The only safe sex is either the pull-out method, or celibacy…."

"I don't think you have what it takes to be celibate."

I shrug. "Martin was the first in four years."

"Oh, come on, Pip, don't be so drastic."

"Well, the only other option is what we have to thank for Abel."

"And what a bright little ray of sunshine he is."

We both laugh. "I just don't think I'm up for it, Lour."

She nods her head. "Alright, well, just don't close down the factory until you know for sure. You deserve to be happy."

"Yeah…" I let out a yawn, "I'm gonna call it a night."

"Okay, try to actually sleep, instead of worrying about the boys. They're fine."

"I'm a mom, I never stop worrying." I climb into the car to rest.

Lourdes goes to the fire to eat. I listen to the conversations and laughter as I sit there in the car with the seat reclined, trying to fall asleep.

I do think about the boys, but not about if they're in good hands. I know they're in good hands. I worry about those good hands having to raise them, because I don't make it back.

…

It's raining hard. The rain doesn't normally bother me when I try to sleep, but because I've been awake pretty much the whole night, it keeps me up. That and Lourdes' soft but noticeable snoring. It's also making my bladder ache longingly. I have to pee, but it's pouring buckets out there.

I look over at Lourdes through the mirror. She's sleeping across the backseat, while Connor sleeps on the floor below her. I think she and him might have hooked up once or twice. Yes, they did; I remember because she said both times he took her from behind in front of a mirror.

I also remember getting turned on by that. The next time I saw Martin, I avoided eye contact. I kept picturing him doing to me what Connor did to Lourdes. Wanting that. Maybe not the mirror thing, or maybe the mirror thing, I just remember wanting him to have hold of my hips.

Martin shifts in his sleep in the driver's seat next to mine. I glance over.

The air becomes denser in the car, so I say fuck it and open the door. Luckily for me, the rain has miraculously stopped. I trudge through the mud a couple yards away from the car, so I can pee behind a tree.

I pull my pants down and squat, sighing with relief. "Fuck."

"Feel better?"

I scare a little, stopping mid-stream as my eyes dart up. "...Jesus?"

Jesus stares down at me from beside a tree he was hiding behind. "What are you doing out here?"

I fish out a pack of tissues in my jacket pocket. "Camping."

"Really?" He says, skeptical.

"Yep," I rise, pulling my pants up, "How long have you been tailing us?"

"I haven't been," He claims, "I saw the fire earlier and decided to check things out."

"Why didn't you show yourself?"

"Because your people think I stole from you."

I nod. "So, what was the plan? Trail us from here?"

"No, the plan was to stop you from going further," Jesus replies, "Which I've managed."

I furrow my brows. "What do you mean?"

"I've slashed the back tires of both your cars."

"You what?"

"I thought I woke you up."

I huff, furious, looking toward the cars. "Why? Why would you do that? We're trying to help you!"

"I talked to Gregory and he doesn't want your help," Jesus informs me, "He wants you to stay away."

"Stay away?" I scoff incredulously. "He fucking owes me!"

"I know and I'm sorry; I really tried to convince him, Pippa, but he won't budge."

I put my hands on my hips, shaking my head in utter anger and disbelief. "Un-fucking-believable."

"I'm sorry."

"I want to meet him."

"What?"

I look back his way. "I want to meet Gregory. I want to meet the asshole who's in debt to me and still has the balls to fucking slam the door in my face."

"Pippa, he-"

"No, Jesus, I am tired of being nice," I shout, "If he won't cooperate, then...we're just gonna have to take what we're owed."

Jesus looks at me, bewildered. "What? You mean strongarm Hilltop?"

"If that's what it takes," I answer with a firm brow, "If Hilltop doesn't want to work with us, or take our help, then fine; but we're getting paid back before we cut ties."

"Pip, we-"

"That's not my problem, Paul," I say coldly, "I tried to be reasonable, to be friendly. But I have to worry about my community's well being, not spoon feed another."

"Look, I know it's frustrating, believe me, but the Saviors have got Gregory afraid of his own shadow," He tells me, "He's so afraid of doing something to piss them off, that he doesn't want to risk taking your help."

"There doesn't have to be a risk," I retort, "We can take care of the Saviors for you."

"Yeah, well, Gregory isn't sure that he wants to do business with a bunch of mercenaries," Jesus shrugs, "Besides, to him, there's nothing more terrifying than the Saviors."

"Well, if he'd only meet me…" I grumble under my breath.

He smiles into a chuckle. "Well, maybe if you told him you were Negan, he'd think you were more formidable."

I scoff and go to reply. That is until that name registers in my brain. I look over at him. "What?"

"That's his biggest fear," Jesus scoffs, "We've made them mad before, whenever they've been unsatisfied with our payments, but Gregory's worried about us making a mistake that will result in getting a visit from Negan."

I stare. Negan. Negan? I blink like a punch drunk idiot. "W-who?"

"He's the leader of the Saviors," Jesus clarifies, "The Saviors we deal with are like his middlemen. They know Gregory's a coward, so they always be sure to remind us that they're the ones who keep Negan off our backs."

"Negan?" I say his name as if it's a foreign word.

"Yeah, he's sort of a boogeyman that keeps everyone in line."

"You never met him?"

"No, the goal is to never have to," Jesus says, "If you have to meet Negan, then you're in serious trouble. At least that's we're told anyway."

I nod my head, sober.

"I don't think he's real."

I look up at Jesus.

"He might be just what I said; a boogeyman the Saviors use to scare us into compliance."

I mull it over for a second, still in private disarray. "Why would they make him up? You're already afraid of them and do what they say, because you're afraid."

"Yeah, because we're afraid of Negan and what Negan orders the Saviors to do, if we don't appease him," Jesus adds, "Because they claim that everything they do is for Negan."

"A made up guy?" I cock my brow. "Why would they do that?"

"To scare us into thinking there's someone worse than them, so we'll keep them happy to keep the worst at bay."

Someone worse. I hear it in my head. Someone worse than men who killed a teenager. I feel the rain start up again.

"If it were up to me, Pip, we'd go there and take care of them, but it's not."

I blink back to his eyes. "You know where they are? I thought they came to you?"

"They usually do, but I just learned that they've been getting lazy and have had my people go to them for drop off."

"Where?"

"At this radio station about forty minutes from Hilltop."

"...How many minutes from here?"

"I don't know," He shakes his head, "I haven't been there myself."

"Well, how far is Hilltop from here?"

He huffs, chuckling. "Nice try, Pippa."

"You don't want to take care of this?" I ask him. "We could go now. When they're asleep."

"Pippa?" Lourdes calls.

We both look that way. She probably can't see me from here. I look over, but he's gone. Vanished like he's been known to do from time to time.

"Pippa?"

"I'm over here." I call back, moving in that direction, though it feels aimless.

"What are you doing out here?" She inquires with her head poking out of the car.

"I had to pee." I answer, getting back in on my side.

"I thought I heard you talking."

"No." I murmur, staring at the glove compartment.

Lourdes yawns. "Must have been dreaming.

"Must have." I say, looking out the window. I don't sleep the rest of the night.

…

The morning is foggy. Everyone wakes between six and seven. When asked how long I've been awake, I just say "not very long" even though I've been up all night.

When asked about the tires, I tell them we must have picked up nails. The holes look as if they could be from something like that, not so much slashed as punctured. We have spare tires, so it's not really an issue, only an inconvenience.

"You okay?"

I look at Lourdes. "Yeah, I'm just tired."

"You look a little drained."

I huff, cracking a bleak smile. "Thanks."

"I don't mean it in a rude way, you just look like hell."

"Thanks again," I bite my lip, "Actually, I was thinking about sending everyone back."

"You mean going home?"

"Yeah," I nod, looking over at the group once again by the campfire, "We're losing morale and we didn't pack for more than a couple days."

"Okay," Lourdes put her hand on her hip, "So, we take a few days to recharge and get back out here for better luck?"

I run my tongue over the top. "Um, actually, I was thinking about staying out here and scouting by myself."

"What?" She scoffs, "Uh, no, are you delirious from sleep deprivation? You're not staying out here by yourself."

"I'm a big girl," I meet her gaze, "I can look after myself."

"You're also a mother," She retorts, "Of two little boys who can't look after themselves."

"If I had a dick, would you be pulling that card?"

"Yes, I would be, because you'd still be a parent," Lourdes growls, "You're not staying out here by yourself, Pippa. What if you run into those people?"

"I've dealt with people before on my own."

"Yeah, well, you're not doing it alone this time," She argues back, "I'm sorry, but I'm pulling rank."

I scoff, humored. "I outrank you, dummy."

"Well...as second in command, I'm saying that I'm not going anywhere but with you."

I look her over. My face grows long and she can tell. "I can't have my people walking into uncertainty."

She reads my face. "Pippa, it was already uncertainty when we packed up and left Halcyon. They knew that." She tips her chin to the camp. "But they came anyway because they trust you and they believe in you. Believe in your leadership."

I can't help but smile, but briefly. "Thing is, I don't know what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do when I find these people. And their leader."

"We're gonna strategize the best way to handle them and then we're gonna handle them."

"It might not that easy, Lour."

"Of course it's that easy. If these people are as bad as Jesus says they are, then they leave, or they die."

I breathe through my nose, glancing down at the ground. "I think I'm still gonna send some of 'em home."

"We could use the numbers."

"Not if we're smart."

"Come eat!" Martin calls to us, drinking coffee from a tin cup.

I walk towards the fire. "Alright, listen up; we've been out here longer than I had anticipated. I know some of you are tired and missing home, whomever wants to head back can go."

The people around the fire look at me, mildly confused.

"You?" Martin asks.

"Me? Lour and I are staying out a while longer," I reply, "Just to scout it out. We'll come back when we know and start planning our next move."

"I'm not going back to Halcyon," He says, "I'll scout it out with the two of you."

I nod, knowing I won't change his mind.

"I'll stay, too, boss." Connor chimes in.

"Same." Nanda say.

'Same here." Quinn volunteers.

I nod again, accepting. "Tracy, I know your aunt's still sick, so go home and be with her."

She nods without argument.

"Kurt, Ellis, go with her and then tell the hyenas to start looking for every pharmacy, hospital, vet clinics, etc for medicine."

"Ma'am." Kurt nods.

I look over at Martin. "Give Ellis the keys to Ursa."

Martin touches the breast pocket of his jacket protectively. "Why?"

'Because I want her moved to East."

He looks at Ellis and then reaches into his pocket. "Fine. Be careful with her. She's a lady."

"Oh, for god's sake," Ellis grabs the keys, "Why don't you marry her?"

"Who says I ain't?" Martin jokes with a serious tone. "I mean it, don't scratch her."

Ellis rolls his eyes.

I breathe now that everything's settled. Not relieved, but steady, determined. To do what, I'm not so sure.

…

Abel learned about Negan for the first time when he was a few months shy of turning two. I don't think that it had occurred to him before then that he could have a father. For all I know, he just believed that he had a mother who told him that she carried him in her tummy until he wanted to be born. No conceivable information as to how he got to be there, or how his brother came to be there prior.

Maybe to him, he and his brother were like galaxies that just exploded into existence within my warm, bathlike universe. But seeing as he doesn't know what a galaxy is, I think that theory is unlikely.

No, it wasn't until I found a book while scavenging that I thought both kids would like, that he became aware that I wasn't just some autogamic force of nature. The book was about a boy and his father going on a flight around the world. Before I could turn the first page, Abel pointed to the adult man and asked; "Who dat?"

I remember looking down at him, at his curious eyes studying the illustration was held down by his finger. I then felt my eyes peering across at Jolyon staring at me as if to wonder what I would say.

I told Abel it was the boy's dad and then he asked; "What dat?"

I told him that dads are parents like I was a parent.

He got confused and touched the picture again. "His mommy?"

Jolyon shook his head, explaining to him that there was a difference between mommies and daddies. The next page had a picture of a mom helping the pair pack for the journey, which Jol used as evidence.

Abel wanted to know where "our" dad was. I guess he would assume that Jolyon and he had the same dad, since he wasn't aware of dads until this moment. Jolyon didn't want to answer, so I said that his dad was lost and I had to find him.

Jolyon asked me later that night if I was in fact looking for Negan and I told him yes, I was, which was true.

But like I said, I had to stop and start to lie about how I haven't stopped.

…

There's two people standing outside the front of the building. Both have assault rifles strapped across their shoulders. Through the binoculars, they appear smug as they smoke their cigarettes. There hasn't been any other interaction since we found them, except for the inaudible words exchanged through hand radios.

Those radios make it evident that there are others somewhere, we just don't know how many exactly.

It wasn't hard to find them, once I learned that they were living in a radio station. I didn't tell the others, not even Lourdes, that I had talked to Jesus last night, so I couldn't say that's how I knew. We had split up in the woods and I said that I found this place on my search.

"Pippa."

I take the binoculars away from my face and look towards Lourdes.

"Well?"

I hand Martin back the binoculars. "Judging from the size of the building, there can't be anymore than thirty, maybe forty living there."

"So, we need to go back," She says, "For reinforcement."

I nod in thought. My elbows and stomach hurt from laying like this on the roof of the truck. "Yeah, we might."

"Don't know if it's a might, so much as a definite, Pip." Martin replies, taking another look for himself. "However many there are, there's only six of us. We're no match, unless we caught 'em by surprise."

"We could wait 'til nightfall," Connor suggests, "If we're smooth and swift, they'd never know what hit 'em."

"Yeah, or we could get outnumbered and killed," Lourdes scoffs, "We need to go back and get more people."

"I agree with Lourdes," Quinn adds, sitting in the car with her feet hanging out the open door, "It'd be suicide to go in like that."

"Whatever."

"What say you, Pip?" Martin inquires.

I chew my lip, staring at the ants standing guard outside the radio station.

"We go back," I finally answer, picking myself up, "And we get more people. Come back at nightfall."

"Alright, let's load up," Martin tells the rest, "We're headin' back."

He helps me down from the roof. I ignore Lourdes' eyes on me, as I walk to the passenger's side of the Jeep.

"God, I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, "Nanda groans, "Even if it's just for the night."

"You don't have to come back."

"It beats having to stand by the gates all day."

We drive out the way we got in. The woods here aren't as easy to move a car through, so Martin has to maneuver carefully.

"Pippa," Lourdes' hand touches my shoulder from behind my seat, "Pip."

"Yeah?" I look over my shoulder.

"You okay? You seem quiet."

I shake my head dismissively, turning my head to glance out the window. "I'm just thinking."

"About tomorrow night?"

"No...about the boys."

Martin pulls the Jeep onto the road and out of the wood. I furrow my brows. There's a dead one eating some kind of flesh with fur in the middle of the road. When it notices us, it abandons the meat and stands up, growling in our direction. I stare at it, at its ragged once blue nightgown.

"I've got it." I say, opening the car door. I take the knife from my belt and walk along the side of the road.

It moves lethargically towards me with its rotted arms outstretched to grab me. I hold it back and drive the knife into its brain. It slumps limp in my hand, I let go, and it drops to the ground with all it's dead weight.

I crouched down to wipe the blood onto his clothing. "We're good."

A twig breaks and my eyes look forward. The unmistakable sound of the hammer of a revolver cocking back is what I hear next. I'm suddenly aware of someone right behind me.

"You sure about that?"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Oh, yeah, the truth is coming out. She's gonna learn lol.**

 **Kara315: Yeah, I foreee Jesus and Pippa's friendship expanding. I think she's a little in the in between right now as far as this leader of the Saviors being her Negan, but she's taken some steps to figure it out.**

 **WritersBlock2018: Haha, thanks for pointing that out! I sometimes skim over and forget to change the place holders into actual names.**

 **Jam88: Glad you like it! I'm also excited about it!**

 **Izzy: Lol, I'm happy you're thrilled to see Pippa and Negan continue on into the ZA. Yes, I think it goes without saying that there will definitely be a lot of drama and hanky panky going on lol!**

 **StTudnoBright: I'm frankly nervous about their reunion. On one hand, they find each other and their family has the potential finally form, but on the other hand, we know how Negan can be as the leader of the Saviors and we know how Pippa is in general.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Drop the knife," The woman orders, "Now."

I notice my heartbeat as I calmly extend my arm out and drop the knife on the road.

"Alright, now hands up," She tells me, kicking the knife further away, "Nice and slow. If you're feeling froggy, there's more than one gun on you and your friends, just so you know."

I put my hands up at the side of my head as I start to stand. I peer over to the Jeep from the side of my eye.

"Smart girl." She says wryly.

"Best thing a girl can be out here."

"Couldn't agree more," She replies, "Don't know that I would call scouting my outpost smart though."

"You wouldn't?"

"No," The woman retorts, "I'd say it was the kind of thing a regular 'ol idiot would do."

I shrug my shoulders very slightly. "Well, I have my moments."

"I'll say." She roughly grabs my jacket and turns me around.

We meet face to face and when we do, both our expressions change as we get a look at each other. Her eyes scan my face, as if trying to decide my identity.

"We good?" A man yells out from somewhere behind her in the woods.

That seems to break the daze she's in."Yeah, we're good."

With the word from their leader, five more people step out from the woods, two of which I can hear behind me. They move to the Jeep, pointing their guns on my people. Lourdes shares a glance with me when I meet her eyes.

"Tell your people to get out of the car with their hands up," The woman tells me, "Any attempts at heroism and someone dies."

I look back to the woman, seeing that her stoney gaze means what she says. I nod. "Out!"

My group gets out of the Jeep with the impatient help from her people. One of the men yanks Lourdes out as she steps a foot onto the road. She curses him in Spanish, which he seems to get a kick out of. The rest of them stand by the car with their hands up, both observing these people bitterly as they disarm them and looking over at me for say. But there's no choice but to be compliant.

I blink to the woman standing in front of me. Her eyes haven't left me. The hint of shock or surprise she had when she first got a look at me is gone. She's got a cold air to her and an even colder look.

"They got anything good?" She asks.

An old, haggard looking woman coughs. "Just their guns. They food they got ain't shit."

The leader nods, staring at me. "You headin' home?"

I stare back, hands still up. "It's been a long day."

"Yeah," She takes a hard hold of my arm, "Well, it ain't over yet. Move."

…

When we reach the radio station, it's a little darker. They left the Jeep in the road because they needed all hands on deck to make sure none of us had the opportunity to get the upper hand, which seems unlikely since they've tied our hands together. They didn't seem worried about it, I think they plan on coming back for it.

I grow increasingly unnerved as we move closer to the station, but I stay collected. The guards at the gates notice us coming out of the woods.

"What do we have here?" One asks the woman.

"Spotters," She informs him, displeased, "I can tell by your question that you weren't doing perimeter rounds."

"Shit, Paula, what the hell were you out there doing, if not watching the perimeter?" He says with attitude.

"We had orders from home base that we were taking care of," She retorts, "If I were you, I'd lose the tone; we did our job. If these assholes had guts to move in on you, they would've caught you by surprise."

The man scoffs, looking us over. "There's six of 'em. They wouldn't get far."

"No, but the way I see it, you and Torres here would no doubt be dead before they were stopped." She shoves past him. "Move."

She leads us through the radio station. As we pass through the halls, I peer inside the rooms. Each room that was once a work space is now a living space for one or two men. Aside from the leader and the old woman, I haven't seen any other women. Some men, who have become aware of our presence whistle at either I or one for the other women in my group.

We stop at a door, which she unlocks and opens. The man by her shoves Martin in, then Connor, and then the rest. When comes my turn, the woman stops him.

"Wait, I wanna chat with this one," She says, looking at me for the first time since we started walking, "She's the leader."

"Sure thing, sugar." The man replies, which makes her roll her eyes. She then pushes me further down the hall. "Go."

I walk until she stops me. She opens another door and forces me inside. I look around the darkish, empty room. In the bleak light, I see polaroids taped to the back wall. I squint as I try to make them out. My eyes open more when I see them clearer.

All of the sudden, I feel a hard force slam into my back and I fall to my knees. The door shuts behind me and the hammer of her gun clicks back.

"What was the plan, huh? You were gonna try and take this place?"

My eyes move to where I think she is behind me. "We need medicine."

She comes into sight, staring down at me. "Well, why didn't you just ask?"

I huff under breath at her cool question that she knows the answer to. "Your people don't seem the type to let people borrow a cup of sugar, Paula."

Paula looks me over. "Good observation. Pippa."

I glance up at her, more human. "You do recognize me. I thought for a moment you didn't."

"No, I recognized you," She says with no fondness, "You're alive."

"So are you."

Paula scoffs. "What about Jolyon?"

"Yes, he's still alive, too."

"Where is he?" She asks.

"Home."

"Where's home?"

I shake my head. "I'm not gonna tell you that."

She scoffs again. "Why is it that you think that?"

"Because I know what your people do to communities and I don't want that to happen to mine," I tell her, "My boys are there. I'm not gonna put them in danger."

"Boys?" Paula knits her brows. "Oh...yeah, that's right. You were pregnant last time I saw you."

I nod my head. "Yeah, I was."

"So, you had the baby…" She walks the room, "And he's... still alive?"

"Yes, he's four now."

Paula glances up at nothing, as if in thought. "Aren't you lucky?"

"...Dan and the girls?"

"Dead," She coldly replies, "All of them. When it hit bad, I got trapped at my office. I spent two days trying to get back and when I finally did...they were already dead."

My heart feels for her. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah," Paula scoffs, blinking back down at me, "You're gonna be."

"I meant about your family."

"I know," She glances at her gun, "I don't want your pity, Pippa. But you're gonna wish you had mine."

"Why is that?"

"Because despite what you think, you are going to tell me where your community is and then you're gonna take me there," Paula makes stoic eye contact with me, "And since you were clearly staking us out for an attack, I'm afraid someone's gonna have to pay for that."

That resounds in my chest. "You mean be killed?"

"Your actions have consequences," She answers, "And I think the best type of consequence is one you can learn from. You can't learn, if you're dead, so unfortunately you're gonna need to dig a grave."

My nostrils flare. "We didn't attack you. We just spotted the radio station by happenstance. We were scavenging."

"You were going to come back with more people," Paula argues in a reserve tone, "Don't insult my intelligence." She sizes me up. "Neither of us got this far because we were stupid."

"No," I shake my head, "But I'm not telling you where my community is."

"I think you'll find you'll have a change of heart," Paula suggests, "Your refusal to cooperate has consequences, too, you know."

"You mean, you'll kill one of my people that you have locked in that other room?"

"You can picked which one, if you'd like."

I scoff with chagrin. "C'mon, Paula, let's talk about th-" I'm silenced by a swift blow to the head with the butt of her gun. I push myself up, touching my head and wincing at the intense pain. Blood starts to trickle out.

"Let's get one thing straight," Paula says, "You and I aren't gal pals. Our kids may have been friends, but that doesn't mean shit to me now and it's not gonna do you any special favors, got it?"

I bite my lip, angry as I feel the split. I look up at her. "Yeah, I got it."

"Good," She says, "Now that we're clear on that, I want to know where you call home's at."

"It's my job to protect my people."

"Well, now it's the Saviors' job," She retorts, "Where is it?"

I hold her gaze. "Go to hell."

Paula huffs, indifferent. "Alright, have it your way," She goes towards the door, "I'll start with the girl."

She means Nanda. I shut my eyes. "No, wait."

Paula pauses at the door, turning my way.

I stand up. "I didn't come here to attack you."

"Bullshit." She opens the door.

"Wait, okay, yes; that was the plan," I flinch at the sting of sweat and air mingling into my cut, "At least it was for my people."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She raises a doubtful brow. "You're the leader, aren't you? It was your call."

"Yes, but I…" I exhale, "I came here to see Negan."

Paula looks me over. "Negan?"

"Yes," I nod my head, "I want to talk to Negan."

Her brows gather slightly. "How long have you been watching us?"

"Just today," I tell her, "But I know about the Saviors and Negan and I-"

"How?" Paula inquires.

"Does it matter?"

"It does."

I shake my head. "Look, just get me Negan."

Paula's stare grows somehow colder than before. "I am Negan."

I furrow my brows. "What?"

She exits the room and shuts it, locking me inside the dark. I watch her shadow disappear from under the door. What did she mean by that?

A man asks her something too low to hear and she replies with; "No."

…

The room is cold as hell, which must mean it's late. Even with my jacket on, it still feels like thirty below. I'm tired enough to sleep, but I wouldn't dare. I listen to every sound and movement. I'm too afraid of hearing gunshots. So far, nothing but footsteps passing and conversations about nothing audible.

No one's been by to offer food or even just water, but to be fair on their hospitality, I didn't think anyone would. I could use some water though. I'm thirsty and I keep clearing my throat because it itches.

My head is pounding, thanks to Paula. The blood has clotted, but I still have a dull, thumping pang.

I try to decide what Paula meant when she said she was Negan. I didn't see any signs of him when being led through the station. If he were here, he'd have shown his face by now.

I remain cool, calm, and collected. Paula's not the only one who can breathe that air. No use in sitting in here panicking like I'm sure she wants me to.

I imagine the Jeep's been brought back by now. Aside from the camping supplies, the thin spread of food, and a gas can, they're not going to find much. We've got maps, which is what Paula probably wants, but our maps never have Halcyon's location marked down.

The door unlocks with a creak. I stare at it in waiting. To my surprise though, it isn't Paula; it's one of the men that she had with her.

"Evening." He greets.

"Evening," I greet back, suspicious of the friendlier tone, "Where's Paula?"

"She's busy," The man answers, "She wanted me to check on you."

"How sweet of her," I rasp, doubtful, "But if she wants to know how I am, tell her to come see for herself."

The man chuckles, leaning his arm onto the doorframe. "Damn, you don't scare easy, do you? Paula's bad side is not someplace you want to be."

"I have a feeling I'm already there," I retort, "I'm as well as anyone stuck in a cold, dark room can be, so you go tell her that."

"Sure." He nods, looking me over.

"What?" I ask with attitude.

He shakes his head mildly, still looking at me. "You're pretty."

I scoff. "Am I?"

"Yeah, you are," He comes further in, closing the door a little, "And from the sound of it, quick-tempered."

I start to get to my feet, keeping my eye keenly on him.

"I like women with a little bark and bite."

"Yeah, well...," My hand feels the wall my back's against, "Didn't anyone ever tell you to stay away from things that bark and bite?"

"Yeah," He smirks, "But I can't help but like mean bitches." He gets close to me, breathing on my face. "Besides, I know it's all for show."

I turn my face to the side, leaning back.

"You'll be all soft and sweet as soon as someone tosses you a bone." His hand touches my waist.

I bend back his hand. I grab his other arm, so I can bring my knee up to this groin with force.

He doubles over, gasping, and holding his tackle.

"Just so you know," I breathe, "Any bone of yours you toss me, you're not getting back."

"Fucking bitch." He chokes out.

"What happened? I thought you liked mean bitches?"

The man charges me. We clash and he gets a good grip of me when I go to hit him again. He brings his fist to the side of my head, then shoves me back hard against the wall. My head smacks the wall as he pins me there.

"Simmer down, sugar" He taunts, holding my arms with his forearm above my head. "I like a little struggle, but that was a fucking cheap shot."

I see his hand reach down below us. I take the opportunity to head butt him as hard as I can pinned to the wall. He steps back, holding his forehead. I shake off the pain and then shove my foot to his stomach. When he's on the ground, I step over him and head to the door.

I open it, but as I go to leave, I'm met with a gun in my face and Paula's behind it. I step back into the room, putting my hands up.

Paula follows with the gun on me. She looks over at the man, who starts to stagger to his feet.

"What's going on?"

"Came to see if she'd give up the location of her community," He holds his head, "She fucking came after me and tried to escape."

Paula looks back at me.

I just look back, hoping to convey that that's not what he came here for.

She twists her mouth to the side, unhappy. "Get out."

He shuffles out, shooting daggers my way. "We should just kill her; bet those assholes in the other cell will fucking sing like canaries once their leader's just another picture on the wall."

I watch him leave. I feel pain from the fight, but I ignore it externally. When he's gone, I blink back to Paula, who's looking right at me.

"He-"

"I know," Paula says, glancing me over, "He didn't, right? Didn't get the chance?"

I gather my brows, bewildered. I shake my head. "No, he didn't."

She nods, motioning to the wall with her gun. "Sit down."

I stand there for a moment, analyzing her body language. I then walk backwards to the wall, sitting down on the ground. Some of the polaroids fell off the wall in the struggle and onto the ground. I can't help but glance at the one turned right side up. It's disturbing, they all are.

"I liked Dan better."

Paula scoffs. "Yeah, well, Dan's dead, so…"

"You chose a guy like that to replace him?"

"The life I had before is gone," She replies, "I can't get it back and I'm not interested in trying to replicate it. You can't in this world; it's all about surviving, doing whatever it takes to make it as long as possible."

"It doesn't have to be that way."

"Yeah, it does," She looks my way, "You're awfully optimistic to think otherwise."

"You used to be optimistic."

"That was before I realized that optimism is a delusion stirred up by idiots, who waste their lives thinking everything will be turn out alright in the end, because they think life has meaning."

I look down at her boots and the ground around them. "Where's Negan?"

"I'm Negan." She answers dryly.

I shake my head slightly. "Is he dead?" I look up to her.

Paula's eyes scan mine. "Why are you so interested in Negan?"

"Is he alive?" I inquire.

She stares me down. "Why do you want to know?"

A small pain hits me. "He's dead, isn't he? He's died and you've taken over?"

"No, he's not," She says, still trying to understand my interest, "Why do you want to talk to him so badly, huh? Most people hear the name and do whatever it takes not to meet him. Why is it different for you?" She asks, "If you don't work for us, why did you put yourself in our sights?"

I bite my lip. "I have to see him."

"Why?"

"...Because I know him," I finally reveal, "From before, like I knew you."

She furrows her gaze.

If it weren't Paula, changed as she may be, I probably wouldn't say what I'm about to say. "My youngest son?"

Her furrow deepens.

I keep my earnest eyes on hers. "Negan's his father."

Paula stares. "You're lying; you just want me to get him here."

"It's the truth, I swear," I vow with weight in my words, "If you can get a hold of him, tell him that I'm here. Tell him Pippa Barnes wants to talk to him and he'll know who I am."

"As endearing as that sounds, Pippa, it also sounds like a load of crap to me."

"It's not," I claim, "Do you remember when I told you I was pregnant? I had already found out that I was having a boy then."

Her eyes pierce mine. She remembers.

"You asked me if my boyfriend was excited to have a boy," I continue, "And I told you that the father and I weren't together. That he was a coworker and it didn't work out."

She's silent, still trying to read me for any falsehood.

"Negan was that coworker," I tell her, "We broke things off right before I found out."

"Did you tell him?"

I lower my gaze. "No, he had other things to worry about."

"Like what?" She rudely retorts, doubtful that I'm honest.

I exhale through my nose. "A sick wife." I glance up at her again. "That's why we broke up."

Paula scoffs, looking off.

"Get him on the walkie, I'll prove it's the truth."

She turns my way. "You know what really spurs me about this little story? About you being here?"

I wait for an answer.

"That someone like you, someone who slept around and got knocked up twice by two different men, a goddamn lush, still has both of your kids, while someone like me who lived a nice, quiet life with my family lost everything. I mean, I know life ain't fair, but this really just pisses in my cornflakes."

I say nothing to that, though it stings, as well as saddens me.

"And now you wanna play house with Negan to complete your little patchwork family?"

Again, I say nothing.

She shakes her head in disbelief. She turns and walks to the door. "You don't even know if this Negan is the same one you're talking about."

"How many Negans do you think are out there?"

"You'd be surprised."

I stare after her, biting my lip. "They were best friends."

"What?" She looks over at me with knitted brows.

"Jolyon and Hannah," I clarify, mildly, "You said earlier that our kids were friends, but they were best friends."

Her brows to iron out.

"That's what either of them would say whenever anyone would say they were friends; they were best friends."

Paula's eye become stony, but lessened at the same time, if that's possible. She stares back, before leaving me in the cell and locking the door.

I sigh when I'm alone. I lean my head back on the wall, thinking. I'm not entirely sure that she won't kill us tomorrow. Or at least me.

…

When the door opens next, it's daylight, or at least I think it is, because the yellow hall lights aren't on.

I tilt my head forward off the wall, curious. Paula looks at me in the doorway.

"Thirsty?"

I nod my head.

She tosses me an old bottle of water that's label has been stripped off.

I twist the top off and take a gulp. The liquid burns my throat, so I spit it out, choking on what went down wrong.

"What the fuck?" I cough, "This is gin."

"I thought you were a fan of gin," Paula says, "You came to pick Jol up from my house smelling like it enough times."

"I'm sober," I clear my throat, still coughing, "Have been for four and a half years."

"Hm," She looks me over, indifferent, "I got a hold of home base for you."

I meet her eyes. "You did?"

"I did," She continues to study me, "Negan'll be here tonight."

"He's coming?"

"Yes," She confirms, "He usually doesn't make social visits, but when I told him that that a group of people had being staking us out and that the leader begged to speak to him personally, he was flattered."

"You didn't tell him it was me?"

"I figured he'll find out when he gets here," Paula replies, "It'll make the reunion all the more heartfelt, don't you think?"

I sigh. "You don't believe me. "

"I'm not sure."

"Why would I lie about something like that?"

"To lessen the blow your people are about to get because of this little stunt," Her eyes look me over with more suggestion, "Negan likes pretty women."

I scoff. "You think this is some fallback? I'm gonna try to seduce him, because my plan fell through?"

"Like I said; people are still alive because they do whatever it takes to stay that way; you're no different."

"You're right," I tell her, "I'm not."

She twists her lips to the side, nodding. "That's what I thought."

She shuts the door to the cell. I once again sit there in the dark. But this time, I'm nervous. Nervous to the point that I can feel it burn into my gut. Negan's coming.

…

The door unlocks again hours later. I rise to my feet, anxious. I brush the dirt off my pants. The door's opened ever so carefully. I take a breath, ready, I think.

"Pippa?"

I furrow my brows. "Lourdes?"

She comes into the room. "Thank god."

"W-what are you doing?" I ask her, confused. "H-how did you get out?"

"That old hag that kept checking in on us," Lourdes says in a whisper, "We knocked her out and took her keys. We're getting out of here."

"Out?"

"Yes, stupid, out of here," She grabs my arm, "Let's go."

I follow her and as soon as I'm out of the room, it's like a switch is turned on in me. I'm now bent on escaping this place.

"Where is everyone else?" I ask, hurrying through the halls with her and Martin.

"Clearing a path." Martin quietly tells me as we turn a corner.

A door behind me opens and a man steps out, he looks at Lourdes and I, knitting his brows.

"Hey, what the-" He's silenced by Martin hitting him in the back of the head with a gun he must have taken off of the old woman.

Martin's careful to catch him before his body hits the floor. He and I drag him back into the room and close the door very carefully.

We proceed. The smell of night air is suddenly on my face. We turn another corner and at the end of the hall is a door.

"Come on."

The three of us tread down the hall, swift and quiet. Lourdes pushes down the latch of the door and peeks out.

"Clear?"

"Clear." Connor answers.

She nods, pushing open the door for us to escape. The back of the station is empty, except for my people waiting for me. The woods are only about ten yards away.

"Where's the Jeep?"

"We'll have to leave it," Quinn says, "There's no way we could get it out of here without getting their attention. Besides the only road it can drive on would take us right to the front."

Lourdes touches my arm. "It'll be easier to hit the woods and hide on foot. As soon as we find a drivable car, we'll drive like hell back to Halcyon."

I nod my head. It's just a car. The six of us head for the woods. It's dark, but all we have to do is dodge the trees, rocks, and whatever dead might be out here.

We make it maybe a hundred yards before the sound of a siren wail and engines roar. They know we're gone.

"Fuck!" Connor curses as we run, realizing the same thing.

"Don't stop, get running."

But I slow down, coming to a stop. Martin looks over his shoulder. "Pippa!"

I look at him, panting. The rest of the group stops.

"Why are you stopping?" Lourdes ask breathlessly. "They're coming after us."

I look back. "They'll split up. Canvas the woods and the roads."

"Yeah, that's why we need to go."

I shake my head. "We won't make it to Halcyon. Not without a car."

"We'll find one, let's go!"

I shake my head again. "It'll find us."

"What?"

…

Bright headlights shine on their backs. Nanda looks over at Quinn through the glare. The driver honks the horn, long and loud. They keep walking.

The truck stops and car doors slam. "Hold up."

They stop at his command.

"Turn around, ladies," The man instructs, "Cool and with your hands up."

The three of them turn with their hands up. The driver and the two men with him raise their guns.

"Where's the rest of ya?"

"Don't know," Lourdes answers, "We got split up."

"Split up?"

"Yeah, it's dark." She says, trying to hold back the attitude.

The man scoffs. "Well, don't worry, you'll all be together again." He walks toward the women, as does the two others. "I gotta say, I know your bitch leader has a pussy, but I didn't know she was a pussy, running off like this when the boss man's close."

Lourdes furrows her brows, unsure of what he means.

"But, hey, she'd be stupid if she stuck around, so it's a lose-lose situation."

I step out and fire the gun, hitting him in side of the head. Before the two men have time to fire back, Connor and Martin ambush them, cutting their throats.

We're all quiet as it's done. I tuck the revolver in the back of my jeans with the safety on.

"How full's the tank?"

"Enough to get us home." Martin reports.

I nod my head. My eyes look ahead where the sound of another car comes rolling our way. "Get in."

Everyone piles into the truck. "Come on."

I stare in thought. "Go ahead, I'll catch up."

"What?" Lourdes complains, "No, you get your ass in the car."

"They already know where we are," I tell her, "Someone needs to slow them down."

"Slow them down how? By letting them kill you? Get in the damn truck."

"They won't kill me."

"You don't know that."

"They want Halcyon," I argue, "They'll kept me alive to get it out of me."

"Yeah, that's no better," Lourdes scoffs, "Now, if you don't get in this truck in two seconds, I'm gonna-"

"Status." Paula's voice comes out of nowhere. Martin looks down and finds a radio in the pocket of the door. "We heard a car horn."

"This is Pete," A man replies,"We're headin' in that direction."

Lourdes locks eyes with me.

The radio statics. "Atta boy, Petey," A deep voice says, "Bring 'em on back?"

Lourdes brows start to gather at the radio. Her eyes dart to mine, as if to see if I heard.

"I'm itchin' to meet this candy ass leader."

Her stare intensifies.

I hold her gaze. "Go, I'll be fine."

"No, Pip, Lour's right," Martin says, " We don't know these people, they might kill you as soon as they get a hold of you. We can't leave you here."

"Yes, you can," I reply, "Go back to Halcyon, if I don't come back in three days, then come back with Ursa and burn the whole place down."

"You think you can get out twice?"

"I can try," I smile assuringly, "All I gotta do is get them to take me out on the road."

Martin looks at me, nodding slightly. "I don't know, Pippa. You got kids at home."

"And you'll tell them I'll be back soon."

"What if-"

"You tell them that," I make clear, moving my eyes to Lourdes, "Lour?"

She looks. She nods her head. "We gotta go."

"Lourdes?" Martin snaps her head towards her. "You can't be serious."

"You heard her," Lourdes sit back in her seat, "Three days."

Martin hesitates, staring at the wheel.

"Go," I tell him, stepping up onto the foot rail. I touch his face and kiss him. "That's an order."

He breathes, troubled, but he nods. "Don't get killed, Barnes."

I smile. "Go."

I slam the door shut and they all look at me as Martin puts the car in drive and pulls away. As soon as he passes a lone tree, he speeds up to get out of here. I watch them go, until I can't see them anymore.

Lights illuminate the ground. I take off to the right. The headlights following behind me catches up in no time. I keep running to try and drive them off my group's trail.

Bright lights blind me suddenly, making me come to a screeching halt. I turn away from the light, holding my forearm up to shield my eyes. The lights shut off.

"Well, looky here," A man says with an arrogant tone, "We found ourselves the leader."

The car behind me catches up, coming to a pause.

"Check her."

A younger man approaches me. "Hands up, darlin'."

I raise my hands, staring at him as he rudely checks my jacket and pants. "You're not gonna find anything there."

He smirks. "I don't know, a nice ass ain't nothing. She's clear."

"Where's the rest of your little band of assholes?"

"I don't know, we got seperated." I answer.

"Well, doesn't that suck for you." The man retorts. "But I guess you'll get that private meeting with Negan after all. Load 'er up."

The younger man pulls me to the car. Another drops a sack over my head and bounds my hands together. I'm shoved into the back.

"We're gonna head back with her," The man shouts out, "Go search for the rest; see if Cooper found 'em."

The car starts up. I can barely see anything with this itchy sack over my head. The drive is a short one. The car pulls into the staton, or what I have to assume is the station, because of the light that makes it through the holes in the burlap.

Car doors open and I'm dragged out of the car, stumbling as my foot catches. "You're in for it now, honey."

I don't speak, I just let them lead me to wherever they're taking me. I can hear my breathing and feel the warm of it hit my face.

"Where's the rest?" Paula inquires.

"We didn't find 'em," The man reports, "But we found the leader."

"I'll take her," She grabs my arm, hard, "Go get the others. They didn't make it far."

Paula leads me inside. "What's the matter? You get cold feet about seeing your old flame?"

When I don't answer, she knocks me against the wall.

"He's here?"

"Yep," She confirms, "Got here while you were getting fresh air. Can't say that he's happy with you wasting his time."

"You, or me?"

She yanks to a stop, slamming me to the wall. I can just barely make out her face. "You know something, Pippa? Negan is exactly who you deserve, if he wants you that is."

I don't reply, I just stare as well as I can.

She makes me walk again. We wind down the halls. She pushes a door open.

"Well, shit."

My heart skips a beat.

"Who do we have here?" He asks with a familiar tone. "The ring leader?"

"Yeah, this is the one," Paula shoves me down to my knees, "She's the one who wanted a meet and greet."

"And then took off like some pussy?" He chuckles.

I hear footsteps.

"Alright, asshole, let's talk.'

The bag is yanked off my head. I steady my breath as I look up. He stares back at me. His cocky grin sinks.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**


	5. Chapter 5

His eyes match his smile the way their brashness subsides at the sight of me. He stares at me with a solemn expression of his face; one that conveys the gravity that's reached him, as well as the familiarity.

I stare back at him with disbelief in him really being alive and here, right in front of me. Standing with such power and superiority, while I'm on my knees. Still, I keep fairly composed; had it not been for the foreknowledge of him being my Negan, I might have betrayed more shock.

I notice the baseball bat in his gloved hand. I'm horrified to see that it's wrapped in what looks like barbed-wire.

The room, which appears to be a large space where they park their cars, is silent. There are few unrecognizable faces, while the rest are those who live here, however they all set their eyes on Negan, waiting for him. Paula's curious, perplexed brows gaze at him, observing his reaction, which must confirm what she wanted to know.

Negan's jaw finally shifts to the side. A low exhale of a well-I'll-be-damned, breathless nature huffs out. "Well, I'll be damned."

I clear my throat to reply. "Long time, no see."

Negan scoffs under his breath. "Baby, you said it."

Paula looks to me and then back at Negan. "You've crossed paths before?"

Negan stares at me with a keenness in his eyes. "As a matter of fact, we have."

"A long time ago." I say.

A grin starts to inch up on his face. "I'll say." He glances briefly at Paula, pointing that bat my way, which makes me pull my face away. "This here's Pippa Barnes," He looks back to me, "She and I use to cross paths a lot."

At that, I scoff.

He chuckles a little. "So, you're the asshole who tried to take out my outpost, huh?"

"I am," I confirm plainly, "I wanted the medicine."

Negan's eyes scan mine. His smile grows, perhaps intrigued.

"Mind untying my hands?" I ask, a little less timid. "It's rubbing my wrists raw."

The radio on Paula's belt cuts in. "Base, we found Coop, Dean, and Ned."

Paula takes the radio up, looking at me. "Alive or dead?"

"Dead," The voice reports, "All of them. Cooper's got a bullet to the head and Deano and Ned had their throats cut ear-to-ear."

"Roger that. Any signs of her people?"

Negan's humor goes at the news. His eyes bear into me and I lose what little air I was starting to gain. I'm in trouble.

"Nah, the truck's gone; they took off."

"Copy." Paula clips the radio back onto her belt.

Negan's grimace deepens.

"What do you want us to do?" Paula asks him. "Search the roads?"

"Yeah, tell 'em to keep looking," Negan nods, still staring, "If they don't find 'em by first light, then have them come back."

"For a regroup?"

"No," Negan shakes his head, "We got all we need to find 'em right here."

I bring my lips together, stubborn.

Negan moves in on me. He grabs me by the restraints around my wrists and hoists me to my feet. "Pip and I are gonna have ourselves a chat. Big dick to big dick."

I have no choice but to follow him as he takes hold of the sleeve of my jacket and hauls me off in the direction of an open door. I stumble to keep up with him as he practically drags me through the station. I don't speak, both nervous by his silence and anxious to be alone with him. Anxious to be unsure of whether or not I want to be alone with him.

We reach the familiar hall where the empty rooms that Paula stuck us into hours earlier. He stops us at a random door, pushing it open with force and throwing me inside with one harsh shove.

I manage to stay on my feet, thought I almost fall face first. I spin around to face him, backing myself up.

Negan sets that ugly bat against the wall outside the room, before entering, closing the door behind him. He looks over at me with the same scowl. My heart races as I wait for him to move.

His eyes blink to my tied hands and he stalks over to me. I can't help to move back at his approach, which makes him pause. It's a force of habit, an instinct.

He takes the handle of the long knife at his belt and draws the blade out of its sheath. He notices the defense in me because of that. He shifts his jaw to the side and then back. "Give me your hands."

I don't immediately do so, until my eyes peer over at the knife and recognize the intentions. I hold my hands out forward.

Negan comes closer. He grabs my hands, but I flinch, bringing them back to me. He struggles with me, before my back touches the wall. Our eyes meet as we both go still. We both take in each other's features, as if to know if its really who we are looking at.

He brings the knife up and cuts my hands free, making me jump a little. Negan looks me over and then moves a little to create space.

I look him over. "You're alive."

"Yeah," He nods his head, "So are you."

"Yeah," I nod as well, staring his way as he moves, "Where you going?"

"To assess the damage." Negan leaves the room and shuts the door, locking it.

I stare at the door, confused at my solitude. This wasn't what I expected of him. To leave me here like this after seeing me alive after all these years. But I suppose I didn't expect him to be alive either.

I breathe out, after holding in my,emotions. It could be all the blows I've taken to the head the last few hours, but seeing him has fucked up my equilibrium. He's alive.

…

The door opens about an hour or two later. I can still hear the crickets outside as well as smell the dampness of the earth, so it must be night still.

I have to squint because the light overhead is bright, but I can tell by the height of the man, that it's him. The aroma of pepper hits my nose and my stomach growls.

"Hungry?"

I nod my head.

Negan extends a tray down to me and I take it. It's got an egg, tomato, and lettuce sandwich cut in half on top of a napkin.

"Here."

I look up and set the tray on my lap, so I can reach for the cup, which is what I really want. I gulp down the water without testing to see if it's gin, like it was the last time. Negan, whoever he is now, wouldn't do that to me. That's what I was thinking, or maybe I wasn't thinking at all because of thirst.

I drink all the water in no time. I pant a little and wish I had more.

"Want more?"

"Yes, please." I hand him the cup.

He goes to the door, but instead of bringing back the cup, he brings a half-gallon milk jug nearly filled with water. He hands it to me and I drink it.

I take a breath when I'm satisfied, setting it down to the side. I'm no longer hungry from all the water that's filled my stomach. "Thank you."

He shuts the door, standing by it. "You want a first aid kit for your face?"

I shrug, picking myself up. "I've had worse."

"From other places you tried to wipe out?"

"From people who are now dead."

"That how you survive?"

"It's why I'm still alive, if that's what you mean."

Negan nods, looking me over. "You've been in Virginia all this time?"

"Yes," I tell him, "Down as far as the Carolina border and then back up again."

"Why'd you go south?"

I shrug my shoulder, traipsing aimlessly along the back wall. "Heard there was a compound a few miles south of Chesapeake."

"Let me guess, it was gone by time you got there."

"Bingo."

"Why head back up?" Negan asks me. "Why not try your luck in North Carolina?"

I shrug again. "I didn't want to leave Virginia and there was no compelling reason to believe that the tar heel state had anything better to yield."

Negan leans back against the door. "Why didn't you want to leave?"

I look over at him. "Because I like Virginia."

He snickers low, before breathing out. "When Paula radioed me back at home base, saying how she caught some people plotting an attack and that the leader wanted to meet me, I didn't think in my wildest thoughts it'd be you."

I stare. "Small world."

"Yeah, you ain't kidding."

I knit my brows. "Aren't you going ask to about Jolyon?"

Negan's small, humored smile fades. His eyes meet mine. "Is he alive?"

"Yes," I nod my head, "Did you think he wasn't?"

"I didn't want to ask," Negan admits, "You didn't bring him up 'til now, I just figured there was a reason."

I nod again. "Well, he is alive."

He smiles wide. "Shit...he's gotta be, what? Eight now?"

"Nine in February."

"Damn," He awes, "How's the arm?"

I smile. "Strong; but then again, he's got a good coach."

Negan chuckles. "He had a great coach, who made the new coach's job a cakewalk."

I laugh a little. "Yeah, right, he just got the hang of putting his glove on the right hand like two years ago."

We both laugh.

I exhale. "He remembers you teaching him on the field at SHS."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I fondly say, "He still asks about you."

His smile picks up. "He does?"

"Yeah…" I swallow, "They both do."

Negan's face changes. "They?"

I nod. "I left you a note at my house before we had-"

"I know, I got it," Negan says, searching my face, "After I got out of the hospital, I went there."

"You did?"

"Yes."

I look down. "So, Lucille...she-?"

"Yes," He reappears, dismissively, swallowing, "She told me that when she did, I needed to go to your place."

I glance at him. "We were gone by then."

"Yeah," He nods, "The place was ransacked and empty...except your note taped on that picture."

I remember the one. It was the picture of me when I had given birth to Jolyon that my parents had given to me for my birthday that year. I can almost recall it vividly. What the two of us looked like.

"So, you know then," I say, "Who I'm talking about."

Negan meets my eyes. He's waiting for me to say it.

My lips part. "Our son."

His breath heaves through his nose. "He's alive?"

"Yes," I tell him, "His name is Abel."

A smile breaks across his face and I see his eyes become watery. I can't help but smile the same way. He chuckles the way I imagined he would if we had had a normal relationship and I got the chance to tell him when I first found out I was pregnant.

Negan's bright eyes makes my own eyes water with the same joy. I chuckle as he runs his hand down his mouth.

He walks toward me. "I have a son?"

"Yes," I smile putting my arms around him as he comes closer, "I told you in the note, stupid."

Negan embraces me, holding me tightly to him. I press my hand to his skin.

He breaks the hug and puts his hand gently to my face to get a good look at me. Our eyes meet and as they continue to re-familiarize themselves with one another, our smiles sink. We kiss tenderly, longingly.

It's brief, but satisfying. Negan touches his forehead to mine.

"After I read your letter, I stayed at that house for a week waiting for you to turn up but when you didn't...I"

"Had to move on," I run my hand through his hair, "I know, it's okay."

He puts his mouth on mine. "Where are they?"

I look closely. "What?"

"The boys," Negan clarifies, moving a stray curl out of my face, "Where are they at?"

I lower my eyes to the red scarf around his neck. "The boys?"

"Yes, Pippa, the boys," He says, "Where are they?"

I look at him and I'm reminded where we're at and why we're here.

Negan's stares at me, looking me over. "Where are they?"

I open my mouth to speak, but I sigh. I move away from the wall and him. "I can't tell you."

"...What?"

"I said I can't tell you." I hold my elbows, thinking about how I'm gonna get out of here with no clue.

"Why the fuck not?"

I close my eyes. "Because I know what will happen if I do."

"What will happen?" Negan scoffs.

"You'll extort my people," I turn to look at him, "Maybe kill them."

"Maybe?" He huffs incredulously.

I stare at him.

He scans my face. "Three of my men are dead, Pippa. I can't stand for that."

"I killed them," I tell him, "I ambushed them in the woods and killed them so my people could escape."

"All three by yourself?" He smirks, skeptical.

"Yes," I lie, "I've killed more than that in a pinch."

He chuckles. "So, you think you should be the one who dies?"

I defy him with a look. "If that's how we settle things."

Negan laughs in his throat. "Shit, you haven't lost your fire, I see."

"I'm all fire."

He grins. "Well, I think you know I'm not gonna kill you."

"Well, then we're at an impasse, because you want to go my community, but I'm not taking you there if it means someone's gotta die."

Negan sticks his tongue in my cheek. "You're being serious?"

I cock my brow. "Perfectly."

He walks toward me. "Well, hate to break it to you, baby, but you're not going home then."

"You gonna give me my own radio?" I ask smartly, "I've already got my own room."

"I'm serious, Pip," Negan tells me, "You're not leaving, until you agree to take me to wherever your rag-tag community's at."

"Rag-tag?" I huff, offended. "What makes you think it's rag-tag?"

He smiles. "I figure any community that would plan a half-ass attack on a radio station for meds and then abandon their leader when that shit falls through has to be something short of a pack of wild dogs living in a field."

I bite the inside of my cheek. "No more savage than what you do."

"And what is it that you think I do?"

"I've heard stories about the Saviors."

He furrows his brows a hint. "From who?"

"From…" I catch myself and glance away, "From people I've crossed paths with. Scavengers."

"Huh, and these...scavengers, they work for me?"

"They said they have to provide a monthly payment for the Saviors, for Negan, or else."

"Or else what?"

I meet his eyes. "Or else you or your people will kill them. Why are you acting like this is slander? You said so yourself you were gonna kill my people for-"

"For killing my people," Negan stares back, "Don't you think that's only fair?"

"It's not about fairness," I argue, shrugging, "The world isn't fair."

"Damn," He smiles, amazed, but not in a good way, "You sure said it."

I scan his face with my eyes. "I can't take you back there."

"Then you aren't going back there."

I know he's challenging me. "In that case, can I have a blanket? It gets cold in here."

Negan scoffs, not amused. "What about the boys?"

"They're in good hands."

He glances me over. "Yeah, but I bet they miss their mom. Or, do they call you mommy? Jol used to before he decided he was to grown for that."

I glare at him as he comes closer.

"How long have you been away from 'em?"

"If you're trying to get my tits to leak, you're prodding the wrong woman, pal," I sneer, "I know my boys are safe and sound where they are and I'm not compromising that."

Negan chuckles with chagrin, but it fades. He exhales, looking below us. "I want to see my son, Pippa."

I stubbornly keep my eyes on the wall.

"I want to meet him," He goes on, "Please, give me that."

I turn and look. I see his desperation and it makes me sympathize. I shake my head. "I have to think about my people and community."

Negan's eyes darken. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek. "So, that's your answer?"

"Yes."

He walks to the door. "Then sit and rot, you stubborn bitch."

"Negan." I step forward to appeal.

"We'll wait and see if your people have spine enough to come back to get you."

As the door slams shut, I flinch a little at the force. I huff in disbelief. I see his I-didn't-get-my-way temper is still a thing.

I pace the cell. It is getting colder in least I have water and the sandwich.

He'll be back. He'll let me out and let me go back. He has to; he wouldn't keep me from the boys. He will because if he doesn't, he can't find his son. Right?

I run my hands down my face. I have to get back; but how do I do that without leading Negan and his people there?

I stop in my tracks, thinking over our conversation. "Fuck."

Negan's right; my people will come back for me. I told them to.

…

It's daylight when the door opens again. I hear his footsteps scuff against the hard floor as he enters and closes the door. An abrupt kick to the bottom of my foot opens my eyes.

"Watch it, asshole!"

I see I'm mistaken when I look up angrily at Paula's stoney expression. "Up."

I knit my brows. "Where's Negan?"

She grabs me up by the arm and I struggle as I get to my feet. Paula slams me to the wall to get control of me.

"You know, Paula," I groan at the pain in my back, "I liked you a lot better when you were just a nice soccer mom with a minivan."

"Yeah, me too," She retorts dryly, shoving me to the door, "I had my kids and my husband and the world wasn't so fucking apparent and null."

"You made it that way," I go in the direction she pushes, "You chose to become cold and mean."

"Because it was that or die being weighed down by weak people who can't look after themselves. The world doesn't give a shit about nice soccer moms, not now, maybe not ever."

"The world doesn't care about anyone," I agree with a rasp in my tone, "Everything is insignificant, but that's never stopped anybody from watching the sunrise."

She scoffs, bitter. "That sounds like the kind of crap I use to pin to my cubicle."

"Yeah, well, it might have been," I say, "My dad told me that a while back. He used to grill up sappy sage wisdom like that."

"Yeah, so did my mom and she's dead."

I look her way. "Not because she believed shit like that."

"She was soft and sentimental."

"...Is that why Dan and the girls died?" I ask her, "They were soft?"

She doesn't say yes, but she says; "They weren't built for this world."

I huff. "Wow, what a fucked up thing to say."

"You say that now and think I'm a frigid bitch, but you're kids are still alive, so you get to believe in shit like hope and sunrises," Paula replies, "You've kept your kids alive this long, come talk to me when that changes."

I clench my jaw.

We arrive at a door that's open. I can smell food wafting from the room. Inside looks like one of the rooms where these people sleep. There's a small square table, the kind my mom used to play cards on with her friends every friday nights when I was growing up. It's adorned with breakfast and a place for two.

Negan's sitting on the left side. He looks at me as we come into sight, tipping back a mug to his lips. "Good morning, sunshine."

I scoff at that remark. I must look hell with the cuts and bruises I've sustained. "Thought I asked for a blanket?"

"Yeah, well, blankets are for closers."

I look at the food on the table. "What's this?"

"Breakfast, dumbass," Negan drinks some more coffee, "Have a seat."

I sit down, glancing over at the door shutting. I feel hunger in my stomach, so I help myself to the fried potatoes and- "Biscuits and gravy?"

"Your favorite, as I recall."

"This is supposed to be hash browns."

"Eat shit and die then."

"And where's the sausage?"

Negan chuckles. "This ain't fucking Lorelei's."

"Too bad," I reply, poking a potato with my fork, "They would have gotten it right."

He smiles. "How'd you sleep?"

"I didnt'." I answer while chewing.

"It wasn't that cold last night."

"Yes, it was, but that's not why." I extend my hand for the coffee.

Negan picks up the coffee and pours me a mug, handing it to me. "What was the why then?"

I shake my head, drinking the black hot liquid. "I was worrying about Abel."

His brows gather slightly. "Why? What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing's wrong with him, he just doesn't go down easy." I look up at his intrigued and puzzled face. "He doesn't like to go to bed without Jol, Lourdes, or I to put him to sleep."

"Lourdes?" Negan moves his head back as if astonished. "Lourdes Alvarado?"

"You know any other Lourdes?"

He laughs to himself. "You're shitting me; that woman's still alive?"

"Yes, she is," I cut a gravy soaked biscuit with my fork, "She's helped me raised the boys since the start of all this. She's also my right hand."

"No shit?" Negan cocks his brow, grinning. "I've got one of those."

"Do you?" I say, uninterested.

"Yeah, sure do," He chuckles to himself, "So, why you worrying if Lour's there?"

"Because if I'm gone for too long, he starts to miss me and it gets more difficult to get him to bed."

He nods. "Well, you can change that. All you have to do is say where and I'll take you there."

I exhale, before swallowing. "I told you I can't."

"You can, you won't." Negan makes clear.

"Yeah, that's right," I nod my head, "I won't let my people be extorted."

"I don't extort people, Pippa'" He says with an edge, "I save people, but not for free."

"How noble," I scoff, "Save them from what?

"From dying," He answers me, "I'm good at it."

I breathe through my nose.

"People were dying, Pippa," Negan adds, "Acting like wild animals at each other's throats. Hard to say if the dead killed more people than the living did and for what? Food or the clothes off someone's back." He takes a sip of his coffee. "Then I came around and put an end to it. Set rules and got civilization back on track and it worked."

"So, you decided you could start saving other people?"

"Damn right and I have."

I nod. "They pay you to be saved?"

"Like I said, it ain't a free ride."

"If they don't want your help?" I look up to him. "What happens then?"

"They realize they were wrong." He replies.

I glance at my plate. "You kill people just because they don't want to be saved?"

"Everyone's gotta move with the program to make it work," Negan says casually, "If hard lessons have to be learned to get that, then it is what it is."

"Which is exactly why I can't take you," I put my fork down, "My people don't need your help. We're strong on our own."

"Is that right?"

"Yes, it is," I tell him, "More than you know."

His eyes read my face. "Even without you?"

I huff, picking up my mug. "You can't keep me here forever."

"I think I can," Negan argues, "Or at least until your people come back for you, which I'm betting they will."

I glare.

He smiles. "They are coming back."

I bite my tongue. "I'm not thinking just about my people, Negan. I'm thinking about my boys. Your son."

His smile settles a little.

"Anything you take from me, you take from Jolyon and Abel," I shrug my shoulders, "That's who it's all for; everything I have done from the start has been for them and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you or anyone else stand in the way of that."

He scowls at my defiance and implication.

"So...let's talk."

His brows furrow. "What?"

…

The road is winding and each turn makes my stomach clench into my chest. There's fog on my window but I don't mind it. Negan comes to a stop at a fork.

"Which way?"

I stare at the road, thinking. His hand touches mine but I move it into my lap.

"Left."

He drives the car left and we go down the road silently. My eyes peer into the side mirror at the track behind us. My stomach clenches.

I hold my breath when we come up on the gates of Halcyon. Negan honks the horn twice.

I shoot daggers at him, but he only smiles. It makes me nervous.

I turn back to look out the windshield. I see two of the guards up at the top, staring down and aiming their guns at the car.

Negan chuckles slightly. "Let 'em know Mama's home."

I take deep breath and open the car door. I get out of the car and peer up at them. I can make out their perplexed brows from down here.

"Well?"

I bite the inside of my cheek. "Open the gates!"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**

 **Unfortunately, I don't have time to address all the reviews this week about last chapter, but I have read them all and I just want to say that I appreciate all the tremendous support! You all are so kind and wonderful. I'm glad to to see that the story is coming along well enough to be enjoyable.**

 **Being said, I understand that the ending have been somewhat disappointing in the sense that they end right before it seems it's about to get good. I'd like to make it clear that these ending are not meant to be funny, teasing, suspensefully interesting, etc. The chapters have ended where they end for two reasons; 1) I have school four days a week and work six, so time is an issue and 2) Because this story was unplanned a lot of the plot is not fully developed.**

 **I know that many of you don't take this offensively and know that I understand that and that the endings aren't motivated by anything other than what I've said above. For those who are upset with the endings, I'm sorry you feel that way but I can't write what's not there yet and I have to manage time.**

 **Thank you.**


	6. Chapter 6

" _Pull over."_

 _Negan looks over at me in the passenger's seat. "Pardon?"_

 _I point to the side of the road on his side. "Pull over to the side."_

 _"I thought you said you were two hours away?"_

 _"I am, but would you just pull over please?" I insist, "I have to pee."_

 _Negan breathes, pulling over to the side of the road and coming to a stop. The trucks behind us slow down and stop in the middle of the road._

 _I open the door and climb out. As I go to shut the door, I see Negan on the other side. "You're coming with me?"_

 _"Wouldn't want you to get lost." He smirks, laying the bat against his shoulder._

 _I roll my eyes, before walking around and into the woods. I trudge down a ways to a small clearing where I stop._

 _"Jesus," Negan curses behind me, "I could've sworn I let you go before we left."_

 _My breath feels like it got away from me a little. I stop by a tree and put my hand on the slender trunk._

 _"What are you waiting for?" He asks me smartly. "Looks like a good tree to mark."_

 _I scoff, "Everything we talked about, everything we agreed on? You're going to hold up your end, right?"_

 _"What?"_

 _I turn around to face him. "Promise me."_

 _Negan's brows start to furrow as he reads my face. "Pip, what are you-"_

 _"Promise me that you'll hold up your end," I tell him, "Promise me when we shook hands back at the station, it was business and it meant something to you."_

 _"You think I'm not a man of my word?" He replies._

 _"I don't know," I say, "I know this is not how you do things. I want to know, I want you to promise me, that you will keep your word."_

 _Negan takes the bat off his shoulder with a sigh. "I gave you my word, didn't I? So, you have it."_

 _"I'm taking you to my people, Negan," I remind him with an edge in my tone, "I hold their lives in my hands, which is not something I take lightly, so promise me this isn't a ploy. That you mean what we shook on."_

 _He stares at me, but exhales again. "I give you my word, no, I promise you that I will hold up my end of the bargain."_

 _I nod my head, still nervous. "Okay."_

 _"Satisfied?"_

 _"Yeah…" I glance at the bat in his hand. "Do you carry that thing with you everywhere?"_

 _"Lucille?" Negan holds it up to look at it, "Of course, I do. We're insep-"_

 _"I'm sorry, but did you say Lucille?"_

 _"Yes, I did."_

 _I look at the bat more closely. The dark barbed wire and the scratches and nicks on the wood it's coiled around. "Why?"_

 _"Because this bat has got me through thick and thin, high and low," Negan tells me, "She's got me through…" The look in his eyes when he meets mine is sober and it hurts my heart. "Just like Lucille did when she was alive."_

 _I take one more look at the bat. I don't know how I feel about that…."Okay." I reluctantly say._

 _"We good to get back on the road?"_

 _I kick my boot into the ground. "Yeah…"_

 _"Good."_

 _I start to walk back to the car but as I'm about to pass him, he stops me by the arm. I look up at him._

 _"I promise."_

 _I offer a smile, but I'm not sure I mean it._

 _"I mean it, Pippa," Negan shifts so that his body is facing mine, "It might be a thorn in my ass cheek, but if it's what it takes so we can be a family, then I'll fucking do it."_

" _We agreed that we-"_

 _"I know," He nods his head, rudely, "I know what we agreed on."_

 _I nod back. Negan stares at me, as if contemplating reaching his hand over and laying on the side of my face to reassure me. As if to put his lips on mine. I sort of wish he would._

 _He exhales through his nose, nodding. "Okay, let's hit the road."_

 _"Okay." I walk with back to the road. I'm glad he didn't._

…

The two standing guard look down at me. "What?"

I breathe. "I said open the gates!"

They scan the cars and people that seem to have followed me here.

"It...It's alright!" I shout up to them. "Open the gates."

One of the guards moves to the left and climbs down out of sight. It makes my stomach knot. I glance over at Negan and see that he's smiling. I don't smile back, I just peer over my shoulder at the Saviors he brought with us.

The gates push open towards the inside of Halcyon. I'm glad to see that there isn't a crowd of my people standing there in question like I had been fearing the whole ride up here. There's only a few who may have stopped on their way to their jobs, or heard the honking and came to see.

I look at Negan again. "The cars stay outside."

Negan blinks away from the portrait of the place he came see from the opening of the tall, square gates and over to me. "Say again?"

"Visitor parking is right here and right here only," I tell him impatiently, "Savvy?"

He looks over his shoulder. "Out! We're gonna foot it."

"And your guns."

Negan scoffs into a chuckle. "That ain't happening."

"Wouldn't you make me do the same thing?"

"I make the rules."

"Not in there, you don't."

"It's not happening, Pippa."

I bite my tongue. I don't want my people to see me argue with him. It'll make them apprehensive. I look ahead, take another breath, and walk with the same confidence I always have.

People start to gather by now, curious and I imagine concerned.

"Pippa?" A older woman, Marjorie, calls me, "What's going on?"

"It's okay." I tell her and myself.

"What do you mean? Who are these people?"

Before I can answer, I see Martin make way. "Uh, these are the Saviors."

"Saviors?" One person questions low, looking at another.

"Saviors of what?"

I open my mouth to speak.

"Je-sus."

I turn my gaze to the side, towards Negan walking with his eyes up and around in astonishment.

"This place is…" He awes, meeting my eyes, "This is your neck of the woods?"

"That's right." I say, somewhat proud.

He takes it in. His smile grows. "This place is fuckin' better than a blowjob."

I roll my eyes at what a typical Negan comment that was, before turning back to my people. Jesus, more have shown up.

"What the hell's going?" Connor asks.

My eyes meet Martin's whose inquire the same thing. I clear my throat.

"I'll tell you what the hell is going on," Negan chimes in for me with the bat on his shoulder, "You all are about to get one hell of an opportunity."

"Negan." I chide.

"What opportunity?" Someone asks aloud.

"That is a very good question," Negan smiles at the man who asked, before looking towards me, "We are offering medicine to your community."

"In exchange for what?" Connor huffs.

"Man, you gotta good crowd," Negan grins at me, before pointing that bat in Connor's direction, "In exchange for your services."

Connor makes a face, shrugging, still puzzled.

Negan chuckles. "Your labor."

"Labor?" A voice calls out.

"Yes, labor," Negan strolls, "Meds are hard to come by and because they're hard to come by, I just don't shell 'em out to people willy fucking nilly."

"And who exactly are you?" Marjorie asks him.

He smiles. "I'm glad you asked." He looks through the crowd. "I'm Negan."

His eyes search along the face and below at the few kids who have gathered.

"A few of you have already met my people," He adds, looking to me with a scowl, "And now three of my men are dead."

I don't falter my gaze from his.

He licks his lip. "Which normally, I wouldn't let that shit fuckin' fly, but because your fearless leader here and I are old pals, I decided to let you all pay off your debt to me the good 'ol fashioned way."

"Meaning what?" Someone says.

"Meaning instead of me beating the holy hell out of one of you with Lucille, I'm gonna be nice and let you fuckin' work off what you owe me," Negan retorts, "Considering the alternative, I'd say that's fucking too good a deal to pass up." He smirks at me "Which is why Pip has agreed to take the deal."

My people look to me. I blink away from Negan and meet eyes with a few, confirming what he says to be the truth. No one says anything.

"So, this is how it's gonna work," Negan says, making his way back to me, "So none of you have to kiss Lucille, or die from low insulin levels, your people are going to work for me until the debt is paid off. This will require some helpful volunteers to help with any grunt work that needs to be done. Now, despite being in over your heads in debt to me, I am still willing to reward this hard work with promotion, if ever an opportunity should arise. And trade between our communities every month or so."

I can't help but look at Martin. His eyes seem to ask what the hell is going on. Or maybe looking for a signal in mine. I look away.

"So long as you all hold up you end of the bargain and the debt is settled, everything will be sunshine and blowjobs." Negan puts his arm around me. "Right?"

I shrug it off. "Yes. We're all going to cooperate. The Saviors have provided us with vital resources, despite our transgression. We're going to show them our gratitude by working with them civilly."

No one challenges that, at least not now. Not while it all has been shoved on their plates. But I see the dismay.

Negan chuckles a little, before he signals his men with two fingers. The Saviors start to move, unloading the meds and produce out to the trucks. I told Negan we didn't their food, but he was too arrogant to listen. Too arrogant to believe my community was doing well.

"Where do you want 'em?"

"Meredith, would you show them where the hospital is?"

Meredith looks between the Saviors and me, unsure.

"It's okay," I tell her, "Go on."

Meredith nods and walks towards the building. A few of his men follow.

"Shit, is it even necessary to leave the veggies?" Negan jokes. "I was wrong to doubt you didn't need it."

"I told you, we don't need help."

"Sure did," He says, "Where'd you come about a place like this?"

"Same way everyone comes about everything nowadays," I answer, "We found it while we moved."

"Pippa?"

We both look to the left. Lourdes comes striding over. She slows as she becomes more aware of the person next to me.

"Ho-ly shit!" Negan says. "Lourdes Alvarado, as I live and breathe."

Lourdes stares at him in disbelief. "Negan."

"Nice to see time and rotting corpses have been good to you," Negan smiles, looking her over, "Very good."

She scoffs, before looking at me. "Are you alright? What's going on?"

"I'm fine," I tell her, glancing at Negan, "Look who I found."

"Small world." Lourdes wryly replies. "You're the leader of these people?"

"That I am," Negan says to her, "I take it you were one of the assholes who took off with my truck?"

She folds her arms.

"Speaking of which, where is my truck?"

Lourdes glances at me and when I nod, she sighs. "We've got it parked with the others."

"Well, I'll be needing it back," Negan retorts, lowering his bat, "Pronto. Please."

She blinks back to me. "What's going on?"

"I've made a deal with the Saviors. Negan offered to give us the medicine we need."

The look in Lourdes' eyes tells me that she's both angry and anxious. She exhales through her nose. "What's the damage?"

"Three dead men and a generous supply of meds," Negan tells her, "I'd say our people will be working together for a while to pay that off."

She knits her brows. "You mean-"

"We'll talk about it later," I cut her off, "Where are the boys?"

Her eyes flick to mine. "They're back at your place with Lydia."

I nod my head, looking to Negan. "This way."

I ignore the look Lourdes gives me and walk down the unpaved road with Negan tagging along.

"We should catch up." He tells Lourdes. "Reminisce about the good 'ol days."

"Can't, there were none." She retorts behind us.

He chuckles, coming to my speed. "Goddamn. This place is magnificent."

"I know, cocksucking magnificent."

Negan chuckles in his throat. "Fuck, I wish I would have thought of that."

"Maybe next time."

"Maybe," He jests, "I wasn't expecting all this."

"I find that a little offensive," I huff, making short eye contact with people as I pass, while also keeping an eye on the Saviors, "You told your people to play nice, right?"

"I did and they will, so long as your people play nice."

I bite my lip. "I don't want Paula or her outpost coming here after this."

"Because of the bad blood?" He asks. "It's all gonna be square with our a little deal, so you won't have to worry about that."

"I still want different people," I insist, "Ones that understand the word 'no'."

Negan looks my way. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning…" My eyes lay on my house. "Nevermind. We're here."

Negan's smooth air blows away as he looks at the humble little house.

I look him over. "If you want, I can go ahead and gather them in the front room."

Negan shifts his jaw, nervous, I think. He then gives me a brief look, clearing his throat. "Yeah, maybe you-"

A flash of movement rustles the curtains in the window and the door abruptly opens.

"Abel!" Lydia cries out from inside.

"Mommy!" Abel runs over to me.

I smile, putting my arms out to catch him. "Hey, baby!"

Abel hugs me tight as I lift him up. "You were gone too long!"

"I was?" I chuckle, trying not to tear up, "Did you miss me?"

"Yeah," He says, "I didn't know when you'd come back."

My smile grows and I kiss his cheek. "I'll always come back to you."

"What happened to your face?" He tenderly touches both sides of my face.

"Abel!" Lydia steps out. "Oh, Pippa."

"Hey," I greet her, "Thanks for watching them."

"Lourdes wanted me to wait here, until she knew what was going on…" She looks at Negan, "What is going on?"

"I'll explain later," I tell her, "Go ahead and take off for the day."

She slowly nods her head. "O-okay."

I watch after her for a moment as she heads off with a perplexed walk. I look back at Abel. "Did you eat lunch yet?"

He shakes his head, looking curiously past me. I follow his gaze to the man who looks absolutely gutted. His eyes stare at Abel, as if he knocked the breath out of him. He's frozen.

I start to walk. "Let's go inside, okay? It's chilly out here." I look back. "Are you coming?"

Negan breaks his gaze to look at me. He looks back to Abel and then me again, with his mouth open. "Uh, yeah. Lead the way."

I nod, going inside the house. "Jolyon?" I set Abel down and he takes my hand. "Where's your brother?"

Abel stares back and then peers up at me. "Mommy, who is that?" He whispers.

I follow his gaze. Negan sets the bat against the coat rack by the door and steps further in, somewhat sheepishly like a guest. He even runs his ungloved hand down the side of his pants.

I close his hand in both of mine. "Abel, this is-"

"Mom?"

I turn my head back towards the open door. Jolyon's standing in the doorway. Cleo trots into the house, barking at the stranger.

"Cleo, hush." I shush her. "Cleo!"

"Siéntate!" Abel commands and Cleo sits, whining as she stares at the tall intruder.

I glance back over at Jolyon. "Hey, punk."

Jolyon's eyes find mine.

"I'm back." I say the obvious out of nervousness.

His eyes go to Negan and then back to me. "What happened to you?"

I brush my hair back by the contusion to the left of my forehead. I become more aware of my bruises and cuts. "I, um...I'm fine."

"But your face."

"I ran into some bad people," I steal a glance towards Negan, "But, uh, that's all settled."

Jolyon doesn't ask in what regards settled means, even though it's not what he thinks.

I smile for him. "Don't worry about me, kiddo. I'm fine."

He nods his head, then looks at Negan.

"Hey, kid." Negan says with half an exhale.

Jolyon furrows his brows. "Negan?"

Negan smiles. "Yeah, it's me."

Jolyon looks to me for confirmation. I smile.

"Mommy?" Abel gives my arm a tug by the hand.

I look down at him. I crouch and touch his arm. "Abel…" I start but I realize I don't know what to say exactly. I never thought this day would come.

"What?" He says after I don't say anything.

I glance at Negan for a moment, before looking back at our son. I always saw Negan in him, but now that they're in the same room, it's uncanny, but in a good way.

"Abel, this is Negan," I tell him, swallowing, "This is your dad."

Abel's brows knit as they look into mine. "My dad?"

"Yes," I nod my head, "Your dad."

Abel looks his way, staring the way kids do with shy eyes. "You're my dad?"

Negan breaks into a smile with his breath. "Yeah, I am." Tears gloss in his eyes. "I'm your dad."

"Mom found you?"

Negan and I meet eyes for a second, before Negan looks to answer his son. "Yeah," He chuckles in disbelief, "She...she found me."

Abel continues to look at him, possibly trying to take this in in his young mind.

I chew my lip as I read his face. "Are you okay?"

He nods his head. "Mhm."

I nod. "Do you wanna go over and...shake his hand?"

Abel looks at me and nods, timid, which isn't like him, but given the circumstances I wouldn't expect him to run over and hug his father, whom he's never met.

"Okay." I smile confidently at him and stand. Abel takes my hand and we close the short distance from where we were standing and where Negan is.

Negan crouches like I had when Abel and I are in front of him, so he's at eye level with Abel.

"Go ahead." I encourage him.

Abel puts his hand out. "Hi, Dad."

Negan's breath slips from him again as he smiles, teary-eyed. He extends his hand and shakes Abel's. "Hi. Abel."

Abel parts his hand from Negan's. "Mom was looking for you. For a long time."

"Yeah?"

He nods his head. "Yeah, were you looking for us?"

Negan's smile ebbs a little. "Yeah, I was."

I smile to myself. I glance over to Jolyon. "Honey, come inside. It's cold out."

Jolyon steps forward and closes the door behind him. He looks at Negan in silence and it's hard to say what's going through his head.

Negan does look a little different from when we last saw him, but not unrecognizable. His hair is shorter, slicked back and he seems a little leaner and a little older, but he's still undoubtedly Negan.

He turns his head in Jol's direction and rises. "Did you get taller?"

Jolyon nods.

"Shit," Negan says, "You've grown up. Last time I saw you, you were this tall." He puts his to a certain point.

"He was Abel's age." I remind him.

Negan glances at Abel and moves his hand a little over Abel's head for measurement, which makes Abel chuckle a little. Negan smiles. "Oh, yeah, 'bout that height."

Jolyon doesn't say anything.

"Your mom told me you've keeping up with your pitching arm."

Jolyon nods his head. "Yeah, we practice a lot."

"Well, no offense to your mother, but I'll have to be the judge of that," Negan tells him genially, "And you should know, I'm not gonna cut you any slack, if your mom's been going easy on you."

Jolyon walks further in. "I thought you were dead."

Negan chuckles. "Me? Dead?"

"Yeah," Jolyon nods, "Mom said you were still out there, but we never found you. I thought it was because you were dead."

"Nah, we must've been just going in opposite directions."

Jolyon twists his mouth to the side. "I'm glad you're alive."

Negan smiles. "Well, I am sure fucking glad you're alive, too."

"And me?" Abel asks, looking up at him.

"Hell yeah, and you."

"And Mom?"

Negan smiles at him, before blinking up to meet my eyes. "Definitely."

I can't help but smile back. That looks in his eyes makes my heart swell a little.

"Are you going to live here now?" Abel asks him with a hint of hopeful excitement.

Both Negan and I's smiles fade slowly. I can tell he doesn't want to disappoint his son so soon.

I clear my throat. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes."

"Well, then why don't we make something, huh?" I smile at him. "I'm starving."

…

We eat cold sandwiches for lunch and after a barrage of questions from Abel to Negan, I can tell he's getting sleepy, but is too excited to nap. He asks little trivial questions, the kind kids usually ask, like what Negan's favorite color is and if he likes spaghetti. Abel smiles whenever Negan answers a question the same way he'd answer and exclaims "me, too!"

Negan eats it up, getting teary-eyed every now and again as he smiles. We spend the afternoon at the sofa and armchair in the front of the small house. I was afraid while I was making lunch that Abel would sit there in shy silence and it would be awkward, but he opened up fairly quickly after Negan said he liked his shirt, which is an old hand-me-down Lorelei's t-shirt of Jol's. When he told Abel how he and I and sometimes Jolyon would go there, Abel lit up.

Jolyon sat on his bed back against the wall, listening to their conversation and looking over in between homework problems.

When lunch is ready, I just take it over to them and sit down on the couch with Abel. I listen to Abel and Negan's conversation, too, smiling at how well this seems to be going. I knew them meeting was never going to go the way of the two hugging urgently like long lost father and son, but I like that it's going better than my anxious thoughts had previously conjured in my head.

"When is your birthday?"

"August 29th," Negan answers him from the armchair, "It was a few months ago."

"Oh, we missed it," Abel says, "That's too bad."

Negan snickers. "Ah, don't worry about it. When you get to be my age, birthdays aren't all they're cracked up to be."

"How old are you?"

"Forty-eight."

"Wow, that's old."

"Abel!" I chuckle. "Be nice."

"What? It is."

"Well, yeah, compared to you," I laugh at him, "You're only four."

"But, I'll be five soon," Abel replies, "Right?"

"In February." I confirm.

"Yeah, Jol and I share birthdays."

"Only the month."

"Yeah."

"So, then when is your birthday?" Negan asks him, entertained.

Abel knits his brows. "You don't know when my birthday is?"

Negan's humored smile starts to go. He glances down. "Uh...I-"

"We lost Dad before you were born, baby."

"Oh," Abel says, "Okay."

I smile at him, reaching a hand over to pet his head. "You were born February fifth at nine twenty-two at night."

"Yeah," Abel remembers his birthday. "Hey, that's past our bedtime."

I snicker. "I know, even as a baby, you were always trying to stay up late."

He cackles and I do as well.

When I look over to Negan, I see him looking down and off at nothing with a troubled expression. "You okay?"

He blinks out of it. "Yeah, I'm peachy keen." He says that, but I know well enough to doubt it. He inhales and looks to the side. "Boy, you're awfully quiet."

Jolyon looks up in acknowledgement. "I'm doing my homework."

"Anything you need help on?"

"No," Jolyon shakes his head, glancing down at his workbook, "It's just a book report."

"Book report?" Negan looks over at me. "Now who's the lame ass English teacher that gave you a book report?"

"Mom." Abel points to me, unaware of it being a rhetorical question, as well as an insult.

Negan chuckles. "Yeah, I can believe that."

I give a go-to-hell look with a smirk, before looking over at Jolyon. "You can work on it later, if you want, Jol. I don't expect you to be done until Monday."

"Okay." Jolyon closes the workbook and sticks it in the metal filer he's got under his bed. He sits on his bed, awkwardly looking for something to do.

I bite the corner of my lip. I look over at Negan, who's already looking at me. I encourage him to say something with my eyes gesturing him towards Jolyon.

Negan runs his hand down his beard, before glancing back over that way. "Hey, kid, you got a glove and ball?"

Jolyon's eyes flicker to Negan. "Yeah."

"Do you wanna go toss a few outside?"

"You mean play catch?"

"What else would I mean?" Negan shrugs.

Jolyon stares at him, before getting off his bed. "Yeah, okay."

"That's my boy." Negan groans as he stands up from the chair.

"I wanna play, too," Abel sits up, "I know how to."

"That right?"

"Yeah, we play all the time." Abel climbs off the sofa and runs to the bedroom. "Let me get my mitt!"

Cleo gets up from the rug and foots after him.

"That Simon's dog?"

"She was Simon's dog," I answer, "She runs 'em to us when need a clear out."

"The dead?"

"Yeah," I nod my head, "She knows to keep her distance."

Negan nods, impressed. "Damn, that's one way to do it."

I look at the clock on the wall.

"Shit, this house of yours is the smallest fucking place I've ever seen."

I shrug. "It's old."

"Aren't there bigger houses here?"

"Some of them are a little bigger, but I like this one."

"You chose this house over one that's got more than one fucking room?"

"Yeah."

Negan furrows his brows. "Thought you were the leader?"

"I am," I tell him, "The leader doesn't have to have the biggest house."

"You and I are not in agreement on that."

"Are you the leader of your community?" Jolyon asks Negan.

Negan's smiles, proud. "You bet your ass I am."

"Where do you live?"

"I'm ready!" Abel comes back into the room with the oven mitt he's decided is a baseball glove. "Let's go!"

The four of us go outside to the side where we normally play. I look to the right and see the Saviors going in and out of the buildings. Nothing's being taken, but it still bothers me and I know my people are on edge as they stand and watch.

I want so badly to go and see to everything that's going on, but I won't leave my boys. I know what Negan and I agreed on and it should work, but it doesn't mean I like it.

"Mom!"

I turn and smile. "Coming."

Negan and Jolyon are some distance away from each other. Abel's standing off to the side like he usually does, making the three of them form a triangle.

"Go to that side, Mom!" Abel points to the side opposite of him.

I chuckle. "I think I'll sit and watch, babe." I sit on the chair with Cleo.

"Alright,"Negan says dropping the ball in my glove that he's got on his hand and picking it up again, "You ready?"

"Yeah." Jolyon nods his head.

"I meant it when I said I wasn't gonna go easy."

"I know."

Negan's grin curls. "Alright."

He cocks his arm back and tosses the baseball towards Jolyon. Jolyon reaches out and catches it in his glove with ease. He then does the same movement, before sending the ball hurdling Negan's way. Negan snatches the ball.

"Nice form," Negan admires with a smile, as he looks down at the old ball, "Your pitch was a little wobbly, but we'll work on that."

"His pitch was fine." I say behind him.

"'Fine' is for asses, not for baseball."

I roll my eyes.

"Throw it to me!" Abel shouts.

Negan smiles. "Think you can catch it with that thing?"

"Yeah, throw it, Dad!"

Negan's smile lowers as it has all day. He stands there staring at Abel.

"Come on, throw it!" Abel encourages him with his mitted hand.

Negan looks down at the ball in his glove. I see his adam's apple move in swallowing motion. "Alright, I'm gonna throw it. You ready?"

"Yeah!"

Negan smiles again, before tossing the ball lightly towards his son. It lands short, but right at Abel's feet.

Abel scoops it up with his mitt and holds it high. "I caught it."

Jolyon and Negan chuckle at the same time. Jolyon's smile fades and he looks at Negan, even though Negan's still got his eyes on Abel. From where I sit, I can see it; the longing and the way he stifles it down.

"Catch!" Abel throws the ball like Jolyon used to when he was that age.

Negan walks closer to grab the ball where it landed. "Good throw." He looks over at Jolyon. "Ready?"

Jolyon nods, nonchalant. "Yeah."

"Negan?"

All of us turn our heads in the direction of one of Negan's men.

"What?" Negan replies, slightly annoyed.

"We're all finished," The guy reports, "Everything's set."

"Guns?"

"The bookkeeper gave me a list," He walks it over to Negan, "Not much, but everything's there."

Negan looks over the list with furrowed brows, before he blinks to me. "This is all you have?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I told you."

"Yeah, but I didn't believe you, shit," Negan gives the man back the list, "How the hell have you stayed alive all this time?"

"You want us to load 'em up?"

Negan returns his gaze towards the man. "Nah, leave 'em what they've got for now."

The man raises his brows, taken back.

"You need something else?"

"Uh, no," The man shakes his head, briefly looking at me, "No."

"Then leave, I'm busy."

"Sir."

Negan and I share a glance. He turns. "Ready?"

Jol nods. "Yeah."

I smile as Negan tosses the ball. However, my chest wanes and tugs on me.

…

They play catch for about an hour or so. Abel has a blast, especially when Negan gave him pointers. Jolyon remained somewhat distant but still interested. I didn't expect him to take to Negan as quickly as Abel.

When it starts to get dark, the boys get hungry again, so while I bathe Abel real quick, Negan takes it upon himself to make spaghetti. Jolyon takes Cleo back to Lourdes' and doesn't come back until I'm done bathing Abel. Once Abel's clean and out of the tub, he's practically at Negan's apron strings, which Negan doesn't obviously mind.

Jol helps me set the table before we sit down to eat. When we do sit down, Negan and I sit across from each other at both ends of the head. When I look up from my plate, I smile whenever I find him smiling over at me.

"I like this better than yours, Mom."

"Well, then I guess I don't have to make it anymore."

"That's okay, Dad will make it." Abel chews.

I chuckle. "Don't forget to eat your green beans."

"Okay."

"Something wrong with your dinner?" Negan asks Jolyon.

I glance over at Jolyon. "You okay?"

He shrugs, twirling noodles around his fork, but not eating. "Yeah, I'm just full."

"You haven't touched your food." Negan points out.

"Sorry, I'm not really hungry," Jolyon sets his fork down, "Can I be excused?"

I nod. "Yeah, sure, go ahead. I'll save your plate for later in case you get hungry."

"Okay." Jolyon scoots back his chair. "I'm gonna go see if Cleo needs to be walked."

"Okay, put your jacket on."

"Okay, Mom." He goes over to his bed and grabs his jacket off the top and goes to the door.

"Not too late."

"Okay." He goes to the door and opens it. "Oh, hi, Lourdes."

I look over towards the front door and see Lourdes standing right in the doorway.

"I was gonna walk Cleo for you."

She looks down from me to Jolyon. "She's waiting for you by the door."

"Okay."

As soon as Jolyon passes her, her eyes return to mine.

"Are you gonna eat with us Lourdes?" Abel asks from the table.

"Yeah, come on in," Negan motions her over, "pull up a chair."

She makes brief, snide eye contact with him. "Got a minute?"

I push back my chair and walk to her. "What's up?"

"Can you step out?"

"Uh, yeah," I step out of the house and and shut the door, "What's going on?"

"What's going on?" She scoffs. "I was just about to ask you the same fucking thing."

"They have the medicine we needed," I tell her, "Negan wants us to work off what we owe."

She scoffs again. "Work it off?"

"Yes, like I said before."

"And you're okay with that?" She fold her arms. "You're okay with him and his people calling the shots?"

"He's not calling the shots," I huff, "But he gave us medicine and he wants to be paid back for it, which I think is a little fair. We'd expect the same thing."

"Are you forgetting that just twenty-four hours ago, they were holding us prisoner?"

"After we planned to kill them for their meds," I remind her, "Let's not leave that part out."

Lourdes knits her brows. "Did that redhead rattle your brain when she hit you with her gun?"

"I'm not going to deny that we provoked things."

"No, but that doesn't matter."

"Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because we are the only ones who matter!" She snaps. "Remember? When it comes down to the wire, our people matter above all else."

I bring my lips to together.

"Isn't that what you say?" She asks me. "Isn't that why we were scoping them out?"

"Yes, okay?" I retort, irritated. "But I've always wanted to reach out to other communities. I've always said that, too."

"Yeah, but this community?"

I exhale through my nose. "They could have killed me for the three men we killed, but they made a deal instead. A reasonable deal."

"Yeah, because Negan got a look at you, before they could pull the trigger."

"Yeah, that's why I made the deal," I argue, "Because it's Negan we're dealing with. We can trust him."

"How do you know that?" She shrugs. "People change, Pip, you know that."

I step away from the door. "Because I talked to him. We discussed everything; he wants this plan to work just as much as I do."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

She glances beyond me to the door. "How is he? With Abel? With both of them?"

"Good," I tell her, looking towards her house where I see Jolyon leaving with the dog, "He thought they hadn't made it….when he saw me without them."

She breathes. "Did you know?"

I turn back to her. "What?"

"Did you know Negan was in charge of these people?"

I look her in the eye.

Her eyes read mine. "How?"

"Jesus," I explain, "The last time he came. But he doesn't know the connection."

"So, you knew and you led us there without telling us?" Lourdes raises a brow. "Without telling me?"

"I wasn't sure," I say, "I wasn't sure it was him."

"How many Negan's do you think there are out there?"

"I didn't know how to process it," I reply, honestly, "I searched for him for so long, you know that. And then I had to give up to take care of things and he's been here the whole time. Three hours from Camden."

Lourdes nods. "How does Jesus know him?"

"His people have a similar deal."

"They're in debt to Negan?"

"Yes, which is why they can't pay us back yet."

She sticks her tongue in her cheek. "And how long will it take for us to pay Negan back?"

"Not long," I assure her, "We're looking at a few months."

"And you think this a good idea?"

"I wouldn't have made the deal, if I didn't," I shake my head, "You know I wouldn't."

She looks to the door again. "I don't know about this, Pippa."

"It'll be fine," I promise, "I know people are upset and confused, but this was the only way to get what we needed and avoid conflict. We'll push through like we've always done."

Lourdes sighs through her nose, uncertain. "What happens when we pay off the debt?"

"If our people work well, then we can maybe establish trade," I answer, "Negan wants to be in the kids' lives."

She licks her lips, looking away. "Where are they supposed to sleep?"

"They'll set up a small camp outside."

She nods her head. "I better go and see to it then, I guess."

"I'll do it, if you don't want to."

"It's fine," She grumbles, walking off, "Enjoy your dinner."

I watch her for a minute. She's not completely sold and I understand that. I go back inside as the winds blows across my skin, raising goosebumps.

"Everything alright?"

I look up toward Negan. "Yeah, everything's fine."

"What'd she want?"

"To know where to put your men for the night."

Negan eyes me as I walk to the table.

"Your spaghetti's cold." Abel tells me.

"Is it?" I smile, petting his head as I sit down.

"Probably."

"Well, a little cold spaghetti never hurt anybody."

I pick up my fork and scoop up a thing of noodles. As I bring it up to my mouth, I realize I'm not hungry anymore, but as my eyes catch sight of Negan's, I poke the food into my mouth, chewing and swallowing with an empty dissatisfaction in doing so.

* * *

 **Better late than never! I apologize for the delay, hope you all enjoy. :)**

 **I appreciate all the wonderful support and understanding! I will respond to reviews and lovely comments next chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7

The wind outside swings the planter hanging from the porch roof of the house across from Lourdes'. The plant that lounges over the sides shakes a few leaves from it. The night is cool, but aside from the smallish zephyr sweeping through the place, Halcyon is quiet. It would almost seem peaceful, if it wasn't for the silent yet present trepidation.

"You waitin' for the cows to come home, Ma?"

I smirk a little and look away from the window. "The prairie jokes are getting old, Pa."

"Yeah, especially since shit feels like we're playing Oregon Trail nowadays," Negan stalks over to the window, "I'll be damned though if I fuckin' die of dysentery."

"What? Shitting your brains out not glorious enough for you?"

"Hell no," He leans down to kiss my lips, "Neither does getting chewed up and shat out either."

I move my head subtly, glancing out the window. "I was just listening to all the disquietude."

Negan turns his head to follow my gaze. "Your people got cut a sweet ass deal. They may not like it now, but they'll come to realize how lucky they are."

"Yeah," I huff below my breath, closing the curtains, "Lucky them their leader fooled around with a married man four years ago."

"And they say extramarital affairs are a bad idea."

I roll my eyes, smiling. "We should keep our voices down; Abel's a light sleeper."

I glance over behind us where Abel lays in bed, sound asleep. He must have not been sleeping too well with me gone. That, or he wore himself out getting to know his father.

"Does he always sleep in here with you?"

"Yeah." I go to the dresser, opening it so I can change out of these clothes.

"How come he doesn't have his own bed like Jol?"

I shrug, rifling through the drawer. "We don't have an extra bed for him. Jolyon's older, so he gets his own bed first."

"Right out in the living room."

"The living room slash kitchen slash dining room." I correct him.

"Jesus, there has got to be a three bedroom log cabin around this place."

"I like this one," I say, pulling off my shirt, "It's our home."

"Your home sucks," Negan retorts, coming to the dresser, "Ass."

"Yeah, well, let's see your place, hot shot."

He puts his hand on my hip and then the other and then I'm aware of him breath on the nape of my neck. "The Sanctuary may not be Green Gables, but I'll take it any damn day of the week."

"You're the leader there," I feel the warmth of his hand on my skin and I've got goosebumps, "That means nothing to me in terms of what it's like there."

"Fair enough," His breathes, humored, "But from the looks of it, we're a hell of a lot more capable." He pulls himself closer. "It'd be just downright irresponsible to take your guns from you. Not that you'd be able to defend yourselves if any threats came along."

I exhales calmy, but irritable through my nose, snaking my neck from a predicted kiss. "Well, I guess it's a good thing we came about some saviors."

" _The_ Saviors," He clarifies, "As in the only people who can save you."

"Mm, sounds like one of those church pamphlets they use to hang on my front door when I wasn't home," I turn to face him, "You know, the ones you just toss in the trash?"

He chuckles down at me. "You are just trying to piss me off, aren't you?"

"It used to be easy," I arch my brow, "What happened?"

His smile starts to settle. "I lost the one thing you could never fail to spur me with."

I lose my haughtiness as I look in his eyes, saddened by that.

He looks me over mildly, breathing in. "That, and there's not a whole lot that could bruise my nuts at the moment." He smiles, inclining my way. "I just found my family."

I let him kiss my lips. When he deepens by the second, I place my hand on his face. It feels unreal, but natural. I could lose myself in his arms.

His hand touches my arm, moving down until he reaches my hip again. When I feel his hand slide up my back to my bra, I come into contact with the dresser. He steps forward, but I pull away from the kiss.

"Negan," I sigh quietly, "Abel's in the room."

He takes a quick glance behind him to the bed. "Is there somewhere we can go?"

I raise my brow, before I nod my head. "Yeah, you can go to the couch, where we agreed."

Negan's eyes survey mine. "I thought that was for show."

"How do you mean?"

"I thought the only reason you said that was to prove you're the head honcho around here."

"I am the head fucking honcho around here," I poke him, "And I mean what I say."

"So, you really want me to crash on the couch?"

"Yes," I put my arms around him as he moves closer, "There's plenty of blankets in the closet that are thick and warm."

"You what else is thick and warm?" Negan pecks my lips.

"Mm," I kiss him, "Well, we have a bathroom, but you have to be absolutely silent, because I don't want my kids hearing you."

Negan chuckles. "There has to be somewhere we can go."

"No, there isn't," I unlock my arms, diffused, "So, get the blankets and hit the couch."

"How about you scoot the kid over a little and I bunk with the two of you?"

I tread towards the bed. "No. I don't want my people thinking that this whole thing is about you and I."

"Well, it sort of is, sugar cheeks."

"No, it's not.," I make clear, "This is business."

"Yeah, but in here," Negan steps up to me, "It can be about you and me." He brushes some hair from my face. "And the boys. Who's gonna know?"

I take his hand and bring it into both mine. I kiss it and give it a pat. "The couch, coach."

Negan sighs. "Yeah, alright."

I smile. "Thanks."

"Yeah…" Negan gives me half an eye roll, before looking over towards the bed.

I follow his gaze to Abel. I can't shake how much Abel looks like him now that they're in the same room.

"Unbelievable."

I look to Negan. "Huh?"

He's got his eyes mildly on Abel. "The three of you being alive all this time," He elaborates, "Me having a son."

I mouth "oh" and nod in understanding, looking back to our son.

"Lu and I tried for years," He adds, "I just gave up the notion of being a dad when we decided to throw in the towel. I…." He swallows. "I never thought in a million years it'd happen."

I glance his way, observing his face with some sympathy. I soothe his arm and it. "Well, I guess you slept around with the right woman."

Negan scoffs, glancing over at me with a look, before smiling. "Guess I did."

I smirk, shyly. "Night."

"Night." He looks at me, trailing down.

"My eyes are up here, pal."

He smiles faintly, peering up at me. "I love you, you know that?"

That wipes the smirk off my face. I watch him leave the bedroom and out to the couch out of site.

"Alright, your mom said there were blankets out here."

I crawl into bed next to Abel, laying on my back and looking up at the ceiling. He said it; he said the thing I was unsure of. The thing I had anxiously been waiting for since I laid eyes on him and the thing I figured might not be said. The thing I feared might have faded away with the encroaching time and dead.

Abel worms closer to me in his sleep. "Mommy?"

"Sh," I turn my body, putting my arm around him, "I'm right here."

His brows knit as he sleeps. "Where's Dad?"

I look him over, deciding on whether or not I should answer. "He's gone to bed."

…

If I said I thought the couch may have been uncomfortable for Negan last night, I wouldn't necessarily be completely honest. I _know_ the couch was uncomfortable for Negan last night. I heard him grunting and groaning all night as he moved in an effort to get situated just right. I figured he wouldn't though; that couch is small, more of a loveseat really. Him being as tall as he is, there was no hope that he'd be able to sleep like a baby, which I knew. I wanted to throw him off his cocky ass game.

But that asshole was up at five o'clock in the fucking morning. Despite living on basically a farm, as Negan puts it, my boys and I are seven a.m. people. Well, I am; the boys more like seven-thirty, but you get what I mean.

He brought me coffee as I was getting up, which sort of irked me that he's making himself at home, but I thanked him. The smell of pancakes, bacon, and eggs wafted into the room with him and lingered after he left.

We talked for a few minutes before the boys woke up and had breakfast. Lourdes didn't come over like she usually does, but the scratching at the our front door lets us know she sent Cleo over.

"Mom, cut my pancakes, please."

I grab his fork and butter knife. "Hold your horses, I was just about to."

"Don't forget the syrup." Abel tells me.

"It's already got syrup."

"Yeah, but I want more than that."

"Fine, but only a little more."

"Okay."

I knit my brows at the stack of four pancakes I'm cutting into. "You sure you're gonna be able to eat this many? You barely eat two."

"Yeah, I can handle it."

I chuckle. "If you say so."

"If not, you can always just feed what's left over to the dog." Negan chimes in, drinking orange juice at what he probably believes is the head of the table.

"I don't think Lourdes wants Cleo eating pancakes and syrup." I raise my brow at him.

He smiles. "Still can't believe you managed to keep that mutt around this long."

"She's kept herself alive," I sit down at the head of the small table, "I think she could do without all of us."

"Yeah, she's tough." Abel agrees with a mouthful.

"I think there might be someone back at The Sanctuary that would fuckin' love to see her," Negan smirks as he drinks from the glass, "Maybe even her current owner."

I look at him, curious.

"How long are you gonna stay?" Jolyon asks him.

I glance over and then share a look with Negan.

"Well, actually, I was planning on heading out soon." He blinks back to Jol in his reply.

"You're not gonna live with us?" Abel looks over with big, disappointed eyes.

"Honey, Ne-, uh, your dad has his own community."

"But, he just got here," Abel says low, "I thought you were gonna come live here with us, since Mom found you."

Negan has that look on his face he used get whenever he'd have to let Jolyon down. He sighs, "I would, if I could, but you're dad's kind of a big deal to a lot of people."

I stifle an eye roll.

"When do you leave?" Jolyon inquires.

"Probably in a few hours," Negan answers him, "Before noon."

Jolyon nods, going back to eating his breakfast. I can't quite tell if he's upset or doesn't care.

"When will you come back?" Abel asks.

I bite my lip, looking at Negan, unsure.

His eyes meet mine, before they blink back to Abel's. "Well, your mom and I talked about it and I'm gonna come back to see you whenever I can, but I've got people who depend on me."

Abel nods like his brother, but doesn't go back to his breakfast.

"But how would you like to spend a few days with me at my place?"

Both boys look over and I feel unsettled.

"What do you mean?"

Negan looks at me and a smile starts to inch up.

…

I knock on the door for the third time. "Come on." I knock again.

"Jesus," The door opens, "What?"

"I've been knocking for a while," I tell him, frustrated, "Where have you been?"

Martin scoffs. "This might sound crazy, but people sometimes are doing things in their house when you knock on the door."

I huff back. "What things?" I put my hands on my hips. "Who've you got in there?"

He breathes out with a smirk. "Are you being serious right now?"

"Yes." I crack an accidental smile.

Martin looks beyond me. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Yeah, but you'd be out of line."

"How's that?" He raises his brow at me. " 'Cause you're the leader?"

"Because it's not polite to ask a lady that," I say with a coyish tone, "I thought southern boys knew better than that."

He chuckles. "You're right, but seeing as I'm not Rhett fucking Butler, I don't give a damn."

"You know that saying that makes you-"

"I know what I said," He laughs with me, "Shut your smart mouth." His eyes travel back out and his smile settles. "What's going on, Pip?" He looks me in the eye. "Who the hell are these people?"

"The Saviors."

"Yeah," He scoffs, "I heard that, but what the hell do they and that asshole leader of theirs want?"

"To be paid back for the men we killed," I answer him the same way I've been answering people all morning, "And...for the medicine he's giving us."

"Does that sound right to you?" Martin questions. "You killed my men, so now here's some fucking antibiotics and hey, lend a hand?"

I look off in the direction of my house down the road.

"I mean, what the fuck changed?" He inquires more. "I was there with you when they got us and they didn't seem too friendly. Especially the bitch that did that to your face."

"Yeah, well...they aren't in charge," I glance back to him, "They're just some outpost that got tall. Negan and I spoke. This deal makes it where there didn't have to be conflict, if it's not necessary."

"You trust him?" Martin asks, looking firmly at me, "You trust a guy who puts a value on people's heads and then over looks their deaths for trading opportunities?"

I lick my lips, meeting his gaze. "Yes. I trust him."

Martin shrugs. "Why? Does he really seem all the trustworthy?"

"I…" I exhale, "Martin, trust me. I wouldn't have done this, if I didn't think he'd keep his word."

"Who's to say his word means anything?" He argues. "What compelling reason does he have to keep his word? How do you know he won't just pull us through a loop to get free labor outta us?"

"Because he wants this deal to work out."

"Why?" He shrugs again. "He thinks he has the upper hand on us, so why does he want to toe the line?"

"Because…" I stare at him, hesitant.

Martin furrows his brows a little. "Because?"

I guess I might as well tell him now, since he'll find out sooner than later, and it's better to hear it from me. "Because I know him."

He furrow deepens, puzzled. "Know him?"

"Yeah...from before."

"Before the change?"

"Yeah," I hold my elbows when the breeze chills me, "He and I, uh...he's Abel's father."

Martin looks taken back. "I'm sorry, what?"

"He's Abel's father." I repeat.

He looks out, as if Negan's in the background. "You serious?"

"Why would I joke about that?" I huff, "That's why he...spent yesterday at my house."

"And the night." Martin says, stilling peering out in bewilderment.

"That's how I know I can trust him," I say, getting his attention, "Because if he cheated us, it would hurt the the boys."

Martin looks me over, before he nods.

I lick my lips again. "I need people to volunteer to go to the Sanctuary. Some work needs to be done there and they need about eight good people."

"What you mean like stay there?"

"Just until the job's done," I confirm, "I agreed to go there as part of the deal...to show support and delegate our end."

"You mean make people feel like you aren't just throwing them into the abyss?"

"It's not the abyss," I roll my eyes, "It's a factory from what I gather."

"Fitting," He huffs, "So...you're going with him to this 'sanctuary' but you're not staying?" He looks at me. "Like permanently?"

I shake my head. "No, why would I?"

"Isn't that how the story ends?" He leans on his door frame. "You've been telling Abel for years now that when you finally find his dad, you'd all be one big happy family and live happily ever after."

I scoff, smiling a little at his wry tone. "Yeah, well...it doesn't always turn out that way."

"He find someone else?"

At that question, my smile starts to lessen. I hadn't thought of that. I look down, shrugging. "No, it's not that," I don't think, "It's just that...we're adults. We haven't seen each other in years. You can't just move in with someone you haven't seen in so long. Right?"

He shrugs. "Right...but there's a chance?"

I look at him and see the question in his eyes. I give him a look of warning. "This isn't about Negan and I. This is about a debt that we're gonna settle."

"And when it's settled?"

"Is Lourdes who you've got in there?" I smile when he chuckles at my cocked brow. "Because I think you might be quoting her verbatim."

"Well, she's a smart woman who's only asking what everyone else is asking."

I roll my eyes, looking off again, growing somber. "Once the debt is settled then the plan is to work on establishing community with one another." I meet his eyes. "This isn't about him and I, okay? There is no Negan and I. We aren't dusting off the past. We're doing business with one another."

Martin nods, peering over me. "You want me to go?"

"If you could," I tell him, "Right now, I've got Connor and Vera. And Jim."

He nods again. "Lour staying to man things?"

"I think so," I tell him, "She's not too keen on me right now, I don't think she'd go if I asked her."

"Okay...How about Nanda?"

"I…" I trail off, "I completely forgot about them."

"Her and Rav?"

"Yeah, where are they?"

"Around, I'm sure," Martin says, staring out, "Hey, I think your business partner is looking for you."

I turn my head to look over my shoulder and find Negan leaning against a banister that holds up the boardwalk.

I turn back. "So, you'll go?"

He meets my eyes. "Yeah, I'll go. See if maybe I can get some others to go, too."

"Thanks." I pat his arm. "I appreciate it."

He inhales, stepping back to close his door. "Sure you do."

"I do."

"They get a look at our amory?"

"Yes," I nod, "Thanks."

He winks, closing the door.

I smile a little, before walking off across the way. "Where are the boys?" I ask the watchful Negan. "First official day as a parent and you've already lost 'em? Tch, if that ain't a typical dad move, then I don't know what is."

Negan scoffs, humored. "They're with Lourdes' dog."

"Oh, well, she is more equipped to watch children," I reply, "What are you doing?"

"Communicating with my men," He says, "Apparently, not too many of your people are eager to hop on."

"I'm working on it," I step up on the wooden sidewalk, "People are leery and rightfully so. You said you only need a few, I've got Martin getting other people for me."

"That who you were just talking to?" He asks me.

"Yeah," I nod my head, "He's one of my best."

"Good-looking guy."

"He's single, if you're interested."

Negan chuckles under his breath. "Is he?"

"Yeah."

I watch people go about their day, stealing glances towards us as they do. Walter, the former leader watches the same going about a from the across the way with his hands behind his back. He looks over my ways and nods curtly. My eyes catch sight of Nanda and Ravinder, both stunned and staring in our direction with fish and squirrels strung over their shoulders or dangling from a line in their hands.

"I'll be right back." I step off the sidewalk.

As I walk towards then, I hear Negan say "Ho-ly shit!" behind me. Nanda and Ravinder still stare in dumbfounded awe.

"Where've you two been?"

Ravinder looks at me. "We went out yesterday morning to go trapping and fishing," She holds up some fish, "I also wanted to look for a plant that has healing properties. Is that-?

"Yes," I nod my head, "It is."

"Coach Negan?" Nanda says below her breath in disbelief.

"Just Negan," I say to her, "Stop staring, would you? He'll come over."

She blinks towards me, looking me over in question. "Lydia told us we're in debt to people."

"Yeah," I confirm, "Negan's offered us medicine and no retaliation for the men we killed in exchange for our cooperation."

"Cooperation? What does that mean?"

"It means, we're gonna have to work it off," I answer, rolling my eyes, "Oh, lord. Please do not tell me, you've still got a thing for him?"

"No, no, it's just…" She looks at him, "He's alive."

"Yes, and he's old enough to be your dad, so cool it."

"He technically is a dad." Ravinder points out, "Has Abel-?"

"Yes, they've been introduced."

"Is he leaving?"

"Yeah, some of us are going back to start working off the debt," I look her over, "Can you handle going, or are you gonna be as distracted as you were in gym?"

Nanda looks at me and huffs with an eye roll. "Gimme a break. He's old as balls."

I stifle a smirk. "So, you want to come?"

"You gonna let me?"

"If you want," I nod, looking down the road at Lourdes approaching us, "Be ready in an hour." I meet Lourdes halfway. "Where you going?"

"To the Sanitarium, or whatever the fuck it's called." She tells me with a bag on one shoulder.

"I thought you would stay behind and keep things level."

"Nope," She replies, "I wanna see where that prick lives. Meredith will do okay."

"Meredith is a doctor," I scoff, "She's not responsible for leading these people and has never done so."

"She's holding down the fort, Pip," Lourdes rolls her eyes at me, "She'll be fine, they'll be fine."

"It's not her job."

"No, but I won't stay long," She shrugs, "I only want to get a look of the place, I have no intentions of staying."

I breathe through my nose. "Neither do I."

She looks me over and then over towards Negan, I assume. "So, what's the deal with you and him?"

I peek over my shoulder. "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know."

Lourdes nods. "Think Sanitation's dog friendly?"

I chuckle. "It's Sanctuary and I think you better leave her behind."

…

"Mom, how much longer?"

"Soon, babe." I reply, unsure of actually how much further we've got. We've been driving for about two or so hours and Negan's not once said if were close or not.

"You keep saying that," Abel complains, looking out the window, "I'm tired of being in the car."

"We'll be there soon, okay?" I look over at Negan in the driver's seat. "Won't we?"

"Twenty minutes." Negan answers, looking into the rearview mirror, "I might have to take a detour that'll make it longer though, if I hear one more peep about how long it's taking back there."

Abel buttons his lips, looking back out the window. I smile, doing the same thing. The cars behind us are carrying both mine and his. The people that came with us drove in a van we have, unwilling to ride with all of Negan's people after hearing what we endured the last time.

I glance in the mirror above. "You doing okay, Jol? You've been awfully quiet."

"Yeah," Jolyon says, gazing out his window, "It's just a long drive."

"Shh!" Abel tells Jolyon.

I chuckle. "Sorry, babe."

"Is there food there?" Abel asks Negan. "I'm hungry."

"Is there food there?" Negan scoffs, smiling into the mirror. "You bet your ass there's food there. Best food there is."

"Do you have spaghetti?"

"Yes, we have spaghetti," Negan answers, amused, "We've also got ice cream."

"What's ice cream?"

"What's-?" Negan looks at me. "How does this kid not know what ice cream is?"

I shrug. "We don't have anyone that knows how to make it."

"Well, looks like we found a crack in paradise."

I smile, rolling my eyes.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we spending the night?"

I steal a glance at Negan. "We'll see."

"Why did we pack our clothes and toothbrushes?"

"Just in case I decide we are."

"You're spending the night, too?"

"If I say we can, then yes, I'm gonna spend the night, too."

"Okay, good." Abel says, relieved.

I snicker. "You wouldn't want to without me?"

"No, you just got back," Abel answers, "I don't want to miss you again already."

"Aw," I fawn, putting my hand over my breast, "You got my heart, kid."

Negan smiles wide, looking away from the rearview mirror to me. The look he gives me makes me have to glance away. I settle my hand at my side and for a moment, Negan takes it in his. I don't look down at the pair, I don't know how exactly I should feel about it. But I don't tug away, or make any movement to suggest that I don't like it. He moves his hand back to the wheel after a while when he makes a turn.

The drive becomes less wood and more brick buildings and abandoned gas stations. I don't know why, but the color of the bricks make me uneasy. We drive in quiet for a while, as Abel fights to stay awake.

About twenty or so minutes later, Negan makes another turn and as we go further down the road, I can see broken down vans and cars. Negan veers through them slowly and evenly.

"Are we here?" Abel asks in the back.

"Yeah," Negan confirms, driving along a row of chain link, "We're here."

I look up at the dismal-looking factory that top seems to pierce the gray sky above it. "This is it?"

"Yes, ma'am, this is it." Negan says with a sense of pride.

My eyes only leave the tallest part of the factory when a biter growls and claws out towards the car, tethered to the fence. It's ghastly appearance makes me aware of the yard beyond the fence. There's dead everywhere. Pinned or chained to rebar or cinder blocks and more broken down cars. The fences are lined with them.

"Look, Jol." Abel whispers.

"Why?" I ask aloud.

"It keeps the riff raff out," Negan answers, pulling up to gates guarded by armed men, "Dead and living."

The men pull open the gates and Negan proceeds to drive through. I make brief eye contact with the one on my side as we pass.

"This is where you live?" Abel says in both awe and confusion.

"Sure fuckin' is," Negan smiles, parking the car off to the side, "Pretty damn cool, huh?"

"Watch your mouth." I say, staring out my window at the people. They look rough.

"Mom doesn't like bad words." Abel tells him.

"Well, then does she say 'em all the fuckin' time?" Negan chuckles. I give a look and he smiles more. "Sorry. Mom."

He gets out of the car and walks around, but I open my door and get out before he has the chance. I look up at take in the length of the factory again, being so close.

"Ain't it grand?" Negan says next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder.

"It looks kind of creepy," I say, "Like a haunted castle or something."

"It's a castle, alright." Negan muses.

"It's a factory," I look back at Abel knocking on the window, "Hold on."

"I guess we're not gonna do the thing where we compliment each other's places, huh?" He says humored.

"Halcyon is better than this dump," I look at him, "Anyone can hold up in a factory."

"Do I have to remind you that your community was already built when you found it?"

"Yeah, but the buildings were worn down and needed to be built back up," I point out, "And the crops, the windmill, and running water wasn't there. This? I don't know; seems like an easy way out."

"You're a real bitch, you know that?"

I shrug. "Hey, when you've the better leader, you can be."

"Who said anything about you be the better leader?" He turns my way. "Growing a garden doesn't make you shit."

I give another haughty shrug and smile. He smiles back, looking at me. I realize we're fairly close.

"Negan."

I shift the other way and look in on the boys in the back, making like I'm occupied. I see the group that came with me get out of the van we brought. Lourdes looks up in distaste.

"Good," Negan praises the man who approached us, "Get everyone front and center. I want to introduce our little guests."

The "little" part annoys me, so I roll my eyes.

"Welcome to your home for the next two weeks," Negan greets my people who've gathered by the car we drove in, "After introductions, you can all settle in the quarters. Then first thing tomorrow, be ready to put on your big boy pants...excuse me, and big _girl_ pants and get to work."

"What kind of work is it?" Martin asks with crossed arms.

"Excellent question," Negan grins, "But it's a surprise."

I roll my eyes again. "Patching up older parts of the building and working to get 'em running water." I shrug. "Stuff we've already done at Halcyon."

"Wet blanket." Negan jokes, "Alright, let's head in."

"Pip, a minute?" Lourdes says to me.

Negan turns halfway and looks over. "There an issue, Lour?"

"Carsick." She says smartly.

I glance over at him. "I'll get the boys out of the car."

Negan nods, somewhat curtly. "Hustle."

I scoff mildy, looking back to Lourdes. "What is it?"

"This is a factory."

"Well, yeah...I told you that, didn't I?"

"Yes, but I didn't think it was an actual fuckng factory."

"Well, what the hell did you think 'factory' meant?"

"I don't know," She looks it over again, "Factories are dangerous."

I peer up and then towards Negan who's standing at the top of some concrete steps with bright yellow railing. "It'll be fine. It's just a building."

"Yeah, a building that packs people in like sardines, so they can all die in a fire, or some shit."

I look at her with a curious brow. "Is this a claustrophobic thing?"

"No, it's a common sense thing," She huffs, "People die in factories."

"People die everywhere." I open the car door, "You can head back tonight, if you want."

"Mom, I have to go pee." Abel climbs out of the car.

"Okay, I'll find you a bathroom."

Jolyon gets out of the car on his side, looking up at the factory like we've all been doing.

I take Abel's hand and muss Jolyon's hair as we walk, anxious. The four of us walk to where Negan's at and climb the stairs.

"Jesus, let's not take all fucking day."

"Shut up." I tell him.

Negan smiles and opens the door. Our eyes adjust to the light difference. We walk into what turns out to be a level, looking down on a factory floor below. There's people around a large industrial furnace, standing with their eyes cast up at us. Most of the people are dirty and in rags, while others are dressed about as well as you can be nowadays.

The floor looks dirty and dusty like any factory floor would be along with the rough and unkept faces, as well as what look like rows and rows sheets on lines. My people, in a small group to the side with the Saviors that travelled with Negan, look robust in comparison to the people with smoot on their complexions.

The people move downward, each to one knee with their heads bowed. I knit my brows perplexed as I stare over the yellow rails.

"What are they-"

"On your feet." Negan calls, coming up to the rail.

Everyone stands up, except for mine who never kneeled and watch in confusion.

"I'd like you all to meet the good people of Halcyon," Negan says with a smile, "Our new friends." He looks at me but I keep my face serious, unamused. He snickers, looking back. "They owe us a little debt, so you're gonna be seeing 'em around a lot while they work it off, so make 'em feel at home."

I feel my shoulders push back as his hand touches my back.

"And for those of you who will be sharing a living space with our new friends, who just three days ago tried to kill Paula and her outpost in their sleep, have some reservations about going to bed tonight," He pats my back, "Rest easy. You can trust Pippa here to keep her end of the bargain. I trust her. I mean, afterall…"

Don't.

"She is the mother of my kids."

I don't look at him, I don't look at anyone. My eyes burns into the furnace.

"Alright, back to work," Negan orders, "Points don't earn themselves."

The people start to move in every direction, some languid, others with haste.

"Mom, I have to go pee." Abel touches my hand.

I look down, feeling the air touch my hot face. "...Okay, we-"

"You can use the bathroom by the table." Negan tells him, the bat strung over his shoulder. "Right this way."

"We should stay with-"

"Cut the apron strings," Negan looks at me, "Laura will give them the tour. Make sure their all settled."

I stare at him for a moment, before I relent, following him. He takes us to a bathroom that's got one toilet. I take Abel in and when we come out, Negan and Jolyon are in a room down a narrow hall. It's small with a long table.

Whatever they were talking about quiets when Abel and I come into the room. Negan sits with his feet propped up on down at the end. He and Jolyon get up and Negan proceeds to give us the "grand tour" of the place.

The factory is bleak, but teeming with Saviors and what Negan calls "workers", the ones with the dirty faces.

"Why aren't they Saviors?"

"Because they don't do anything that's worthy of being called a Savior," Negan answers Jolyon, "You can't just be a Savior; you have to earn that shit."

"How?"

"What do the workers do to earn their keep?"

"They work, darlin'," Negan says, "Hence why they're called-"

"Hijo de puta!"

We halt at Lourdes' fierce tone, followed by a woman yelling at her to "hey! Stop!'

I go over to pull her back. "Hey," I push Lourdes' fighting body back from the blonde woman's grasp, "Cut it out!"

Her eyes are flaming daggers, but they aren't staring at me. Her breathing is like furious, but calm. She points. "Look who I fucking found."

I turn my head and my expression drops.

"Well, I'll be damned," The man says in wry, but sincere surprise, "If it isn't Piper Barnes."

"Pippa." I remind him, tersely.

"Oh, that's right," Simon nods, "Pippa…"

"What the hell is going on here?" Negan strolls up with the boys and the bat. He looks at me, not too pleased. "I just got done saying not twenty minutes ago that your people would behave themselves."

"Oh, no misbehavior here," Simon chimes before I can answer, "Just two old acquaintances catching up." He touches some fingers to his mouth, inspecting the little blood. "Forgot how spicy you could be, Lour."

I look at her. "What happened?"

She stares back with angry eyes. "You didn't tell this pendejo was here."

I glance at Negan. "I didn't know."

Negan smirks. "Well, if all this is is just a little lover's quarrel, then break it up and go about your business. Chop, chop." He turns to leave.

I look at Lourdes. "You gonna be alright?"

She gives me a look with a tilt of her head. "Yeah...I'll be just fine."

I turn to leave, taking one last look between Simon and Lourdes. I note but ignore the looks I get from strangers as well as my own people.

"You didn't tell me Simon was here." I say as I storm up to Negan.

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well, no more surprises," I huff, "How the hell did you two end up?"

"Coincidence," Negan says, "He was already here, before I got here."

I furrow my gaze. "So...you didn't establish this place?" Abel takes my hand.

"No, I told you, I came around."

"Yeah, but I thought you meant…" I exhale, shaking my head, "I don't know what I thought you meant."

"You thought I just woke up one day and told people to take a knee?"

"I guess."

"Well, that's exactly what happened," Negan informs me as we enter yet another stairwell, "The gist of it anyway."

I pause, looking at him. "Yeah, what was that back there? The kneeling?"

"Respect."

I knit my brows. "Do they do that all the time?"

"Whenever I come around." His voice carries in the stairwell.

"Seems a little narcissistic," I look him over, "Can't say it isn't fitting of you though."

"Where are we going?" Abel asks either of us.

"I thought you might like to see where you'll be staying." Negan tells his son with a charming smile. "Give your mom a chance to get you all settled in for the night before dinner."

"How far up are going?"

"All the way up, kid," Negan points his bat up at the long ceiling, "All the way to the tippy top."

"Whoa," Abel's mouth forms the word in awe as he stares up, "You live all the way up at the very top?"

"Hell yeah, I do," Negan says, "The king always gets the best spread."

"You're a king now?" I arch my brow.

"Everything's mine, ain't it?"

I bring my lips to a close.

He snickers and as he continues to look at my face, his smile seems to almost lower. He turns and starts up the starts. "Well, we're not gonna get there by standing around, are we?"

"No." Abel let's go of my hand and takes the rail to climb the steps. "Come in, Mom."

I share a look with Jolyon. We do that sometimes. I smile mildly and he twists his mouth to the side.

"Come on, guys!"

I can't help but break into a breathier smile. "Okay, okay, we're coming."

I glance over at Jolyon and he starts for the stairs and I follow. We climb three more plights of stairs. I thought there'd be more, honestly, given the how tall the factory looked on the outside.

All the hallways we pass are lined with doors, some opened and some closed. Like back at Paula's outpost, the doors that are open yield living spaces.

I wonder to myself what sort of factory this used to be to have some many rooms that, aside from where they're being used for now, don't really seem to have a point to them. We pass a pair of moppers who kneel when Negan walks by. Both boys look at the men, unused to seeing this type of displayed fealty.

"Alrighty," Negan stops at a lone door down the last inch of hallway before another stairwell, "This is the place." He opens the door and gives it a light push for show.

The three of us peer in to the room brightened by windows on the back wall.

"Well, don't just fuckin' stand here," Negan scoffs, humored, "Go in."

The kids go in.

"What are you a vampire?"

I look at him and then my eyes trail to the stairwell. "What's up there?"

His smile hangs and he looks down at the ground at his boots. "That's, uh,...where I live."

"You have a whole floor to yourself?"

"King's always get the best spread…"

"So, then-"

"Mom, come look!"

I look in and exhale. "Okay, I'm coming."

The room's decent sized, a little bigger than I'd expect after seeing some of the other rooms. One side has small, full sized bed with a black iron frame and with a cream-colored quilt made on top with what looks like some type of floral pattern stitched in the same colored thread.

My eyes wander to the fridge across on the other wall and the small table set by it. There's a bookcase with about five books laying the wrong way on one shelf. A small black wooden dresser with three drawers and a mirror on top and a vase of fresh wildflowers. I look at the rug in the middle of the old persian rug in the middle of the room.

"Whoa!"

I look to the other side of the room at the bunk beds.

"Look, Mom!"

"I see," Watching Abel scale the ladder to the top bed, "Careful."

"I want the bottom one." Abel says, looking down at Jolyon.

"Cozy, huh?" Negan says, leaning down to my ear.

"It's...definitely got the appearance of that," I glance at him, "You did all this in less than twenty-four hours?"

"I radioed back after we shook on the deal," He nods, "You like it?"

I exhale, observing the two switch places, "My home has a wooden stove and a sink, but you know."

"Shut the hell up."

We both laugh and he puts his arm around me. I push it off. "Don't, I'm angry at you."

"Why?"

"Because of the little stunt you pulled earlier," I tell him, folding my arms, "When you humiliated me."

"How'd I do that?"

"By telling all everyone I was your baby mama."

"You are."

"Yeah, but why do you tell people?"

"Why the hell wouldn't I tell people?" He asks, smiling and turning my way. "What's there to be humiliated about?"

I move from his thought about kissing me. "It makes me look stupid."

He furrows his brows in disbelief. "Stupid how?"

"It makes me look like I made a deal with you because we were involved before," I answer, frustrated, "Like I'm some swooning fool. It makes me look weak."

"No, you'd be weak if you just led me to your place without striking a mean deal like you did," He retorts, "Weak if you didn't use the kids as bargaining chips to get that deal on track."

I roll my eyes, going over to the dresser. "Great, so I'm a vindictive bitch."

"I think you've always had a little vindictive streak, dear."

"Since when?" I scoff. "Aren't you the only one who knows? That I used the boys to get the deal?"

"Just me," His hand grazes my hip, "And you."

I look up at him. "So, only you know that I'm not weak."

"Uh-huh." He nods, traipsing his eyes over me.

I sigh, flustered, again turning my head.

He snickers low. "Oh, come on, Pip, I'm kidding!" He touches my cheek. "You have to be one tough ass woman to raise two young kids in a world like this."

I breathe through my nose as he kisses my cheek, peering over at my kids. "Jolyon always wanted a bunk bed….well, after he found out I was having a baby."

"Oh, so I did good for both of 'em?"

I blink back to him and a smile peeks up. "Yeah, alright for an absent father trying to make up for lost times."

"Fucking asshole."

I chuckle with him. "You know, you owe me a lot of child support for Abel. I'd get a lawyer, buddy."

He laughs breathily, kissing my lips. "God, I missed you."

I smile into the next kiss. "I missed you, too."

He breaks us apart to look at me. "Don't worry about the deal, alright? It's gonna work out."

My eyes survey his and I give a light nod. He kisses me again. I put my hands to his face as the kiss deepens. I know it won't go farther than this, because of Jolyon and Abel being in the room, but this feels good. Like how he used to kiss me, except with more longing from both mouths.

"Hello." Abel says softly.

Negan and I pause again. I look at Abel and then follow his gaze to the open door. A tall, redheaded woman in a black dress stands just outside. She touches a hand to the book she's got in the other when we meet eyes. She opens her mouth, speechless, until she looks over.

"Oh!" She says barely and then hastily walks off.

The sound of her heels click-clacking on the floor grows smaller and smaller as she climbs the stairs just outside.

I turn my head and look at Negan, confused. "Who was that?"

He glances down at me, but he doesn't say anything.

"She just went to your apartment," I say, trying to read his face, "Who is she, Negan?"

Negan sticks his tongue in his jaw. "Um, she's…" He looks down.

"Tell me."

"She's my wife."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! And thanks again for the understanding!**

 **Izzy: I don't think you're wrong to be a little leary of the two communities working together. It's probably gonna be hard for Negan to let Pippa lead her own community. I don't think he'll do well with the long distance either lol.**

 **CLTex: Yeah, I think now that Jolyon's older, he understands a lot more about his mom and Negan's relationship, so it might be harder for him just go running up to Negan and hug him. What he's experienced growing up in the ZA is also another factor to take into account for his behavior.**

 **Kara315: Well, we got a little glimpse of Simon for now, but trust that'll be rearing his ugly head again. As for Dwight, come on now...of course we're gonna see Dwight and Sherry. This is a drama lol!**

 **Lauren: Yes, I'm excited for it all! Pippa and Negan's relationship, Simon and Lourdes butting heads, the father relationships Negan has to build, His jealousy over Martin. Girl, it's gonna be good.**

 **PattyGG: Well, Negan does have to run his of the woods, so they'll be much debate as to how he is going to manage that and fatherhood/family. Glad you enjoy the family time. Hopefully it'll stay cute and fun.**

 **Savioursgirl: Sadly, I think that's the case with Abel's birthday. Lol, well, the flirting picked up, but alone time might be a little rained on now that Pip's gonna learn about the other women in Negan's life.**

 **Guest: Thank you for the kind words!**

 **ZA101: Aw, thanks! I really enjoy it, so I'm glad it brings a little joy to others as well.**

 **HappyCamper11: You are always so kind! Thank you for support and love of my story!**


	8. Chapter 8

The room is so silent and the air so thick, you could hear a pin drop. I stare into his eyes, reading his face. My breath feels light as I inhale, but then plummets as I exhale.

"Your wife?"

"One of them, yeah."

My brows grow perplexed. "One of them? What does that mean?"

Negan's mouth opens to speak, but he can't find the explanation. He looks to the open door where the redhead had just been seen and breathes out through his lips. "I live with six women."

"...I'm sorry, you what?"

"I have six wives," He touches the back of his neck, "Look, Pippa-"

"No, I'm sorry," I put my hand up to pause him, "You said you have _six_ wives?"

Negan sighs. "Yes, Pip, I-"

"Why?" I ask him tersely.

"Jesus, would you fucking cut that out?" He growls. "I'm trying to explain this shit to you."

"Alright, then," I cross my arms, "Explain."

"Okay," Negan runs his hand down his scruff, "They, my wives, agreed to marry me in exchange for living comfortably and not having to work for points anymore."

I stare. "...They married you, so they don't have to work for points?"

"Yes." He nods.

I bite my lip. "And points are….what? Your currency?"

"That's right," He says, "A few of the girls chose to marry me, so they didn't have to work anymore, a couple fell behind, or needed me to make sure they're loved ones are taken care of."

I blink. "So, you take advantage of them?"

"I don't take advantage of them," Negan glowers at me, "I provide for them. They made the choice to marry on their own and can leave anytime they want."

"Oh," I nod my head, "Do you sleep with them?"

He looks at me, shifting his jaw.

I huff. "What a stand up fucking guy you are!" I move around him. "Boys, put your jackets back on."

"We're not staying?" Abel asks.

"No," I run my hand under my nose, "I'll help you get your arms in."

"Oh, come on, Pippa!" Negan exhales. "It's not what you think."

I scoff, picking up Abel's jacket. "Then why'd you hide it from me?"

"I wasn't hiding from you," He replies, "I was going to tell you when the right chance came."

"And when exactly did you think that would be?"

"After you got settled."

"Settled?" I turn and look at him incredulously. "You're dreaming if you think I'm staying here."

"What? You're gonna drive all the way back to Halcyon?" He asks in disbelief. "It's getting late and we had a deal."

"Yeah, well, that was before I knew you had…" I have to take a breath, before shaking my head, "We'll drive back with Lourdes. I doubt she's gonna stay either."

"I thought you wanted to see your people would be fine here working for me?" He argues. "How's it gonna look if you split now, huh?"

I pause. How would that look? Would it make me look unsure? Like I was abandoning my people here?

"Mom," Abel touches my arm, "I'm thirsty."

I look from Negan to down at my side. "O-Okay. I'll get you some water, before we go."

"Aw, we have to go?" He complains, "But the bunk beds."

I bite my lip. "Um, well, honey, I said I'd think about it."

"But it's cool here," Abel says, "Just shake hands."

My eyes look at him and then Jolyon who's waiting for me to say. I breathe, walking to the door. I stand by, turning my head towards Negan. "I'm gonna let the kids rest for a bit."

"Before you leave?" Negan looks at me, hoping I'll say no.

I lick my lips, peering back. "You need to go."

"Pippa," He steps forward, "Let's talk about it."

"Go," I tell him, settling my emotions, "Please?"

Negan opens his mouth to speak, but looking at me, sighs instead. He walks to the door, crossing into the hall. He turns as I go to shut the door. "Pip, wait, I-"

"I was the other woman four years ago," I meet his gaze, "I'm not gonna be her this time."

I close the door and turn. I keep myself from tearing up, but I know it's there.

"Mom?"

I swallow it all down. "Water," I go to the sink, "Got it."

I find a mug and turn the sink on, only to remember they don't have running water majority of the time. I go to the fridge and find a pitcher full of water, so I fill the mug.

"Here, you go, baby."

"Thank you." Abel takes the mug. He sips the water, looking up at me.

I try to simmer down and appear as if I'm okay, but there's only so much I can do. Both of them were in the room and heard us exchange words. Abel might not fully get what was going on, but Jolyon watches me as I pace once from the dresser to the bed with his jacket on.

"Are we leaving?" Abel asks, wiping water from his upper lip.

"I…" I glance towards the window, "I don't know. Why don't we take a break and we'll see?"

"Okay."

I blink to Jolyon and he looks back.

…

Abel crawls under the blankets of the bottom bunk after about twenty minutes of Negan leaving. It doesn't take long before he's out like a light. He was pretty tired from the ride over and the grand tour.

"Watch your brother." I tell Jolyon as I put on my jacket. Inside or not, this fucking place is cold as fuck.

"Where are you going?" Jolyon asks, standing on stool to look out the window.

"To find Lourdes."

"Are we going back to Halcyon?"

"I don't know," I answer with a sigh, "I think so." I notice the push lock on the door. "Lock this door and don't let anyone in."

"What if it's Negan?"

I don't answer as I close the door behind me. I take a look towards the stairwell on my right, before heading for the one of my left.

I keep seeing elevator doors on each floor as I wind down to the factory floor level at the bottom. I'm guessing they haven't gotten it to work, hence why I'm having to go down stair after stair. It'd be pretty fucking handy if they could get it up and running, because this is fucking ridiculous.

When I reach the bottom, I look out for any signs of a familiar face in the buzzing factory floor. I spot Nanda first and then the rest in some far space towards the end. I climb down the steps and beeline it to them.

As I'm walking, I overhear people whispering about the "new people" and "that woman."

"Shh!" A woman hushes a younger girl by her. "Here she comes."

I roll my eyes as I pass their quarters, which are just mattresses on the floor made distinguishable from one another by crates and baskets and tea kettles, or other personal belongings.

"Hey, that's Eddie's shit." A man says to someone else who seems to be rifling through what looks like a drawer pulled from a dresser.

"He ain't coming back," The old woman says, "D went to get him and he never brings 'em back alive."

"That's not true. What about Art?"

"That's only because he agreed to go willingly."

"Yeah and maybe Eddie will do the same, so get you hands off his mustard! He paid good points for that."

I reach the end of the row and as I approach, Nanda looks over and gradually so do the others.

"Hey," I greet them, "How is everything?"

"They gave us mattresses to live on for the next two weeks." Jim say plainly.

"I know, they don't have available space in the upper floors of the factory," I tell them, "I know it's not ideal, but it's just for a couple weeks."

"Where are you staying?" Nanda asks, "They only plopped down enough mattresses for us."

"I know…" I look over to Lourdes, "Negan cleared a space for the boys and I."

"Upstairs?"

"Yes."

"So, it's true then?" Connor asks me. "What he said earlier?"

I feel all their eyes on me. I guess Lourdes, Nanda, or Martin didn't tell the rest. "Um, yes. It's true."

"You knew him from before?"

"Yeah," I admit, embarrassed, "We, uh, were sort of saw each other for a while." I ignore the looks I get from Lourdes and Nanda. "And, uh...well, he's Abel's father."

They all look at me.

"Our past gave us this advantage, so we're taking it instead of conflict."

Lourdes turns her head.

"When are you leaving?"

She shrugs. "Tomorrow...maybe the day after that."

"Thought you didn't want to stick around?"

"I don't, but I want to see this place function."

"Meaning what?" Martin raises his brow.

"I wanna know who these people are," She replies, looking at me, "What better way?"

"You think you'll accomplish that in two days?"

Lourdes shrugs again. "I'll let you know when I find out."

I sigh through my nose. "So, you're staying?"

"For now."

"Even with Simon being here?" I inquire. "We can't afford to be fighting with them, Lour."

"I'll be fine," She says, "Simon's nothing I can't handle."

"Yeah, that's what I'm concerned about."

"Where's Jolyon and Abel?" Martin asks me.

"Upstairs," I tell him, "Abel was tired."

"How long will you stay?"

I look to Nanda. "I don't know. I might take the kids home."

Lourdes stares. "Now?"

"If you were leaving, but I guess when you decide to go."

"Why?" Her eyes flit across my face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," I lie casually, "I just don't want the boys being gone from home long, that's all. Jolyon's got schoolwork. Besides, someone has to be there to lead."

Lourdes continues to look at me and I notice Martin doing the same thing in the same way. "I have to get back to the boys. I'll be back tonight or tomorrow morning."

As I turn to leave. Lourdes rises from the mattress. "Pip, hold up."

I stop just far enough. "Yeah?"

"What's really up?" She asks me. "And don't say nothing. I know you better than that."

I stare at her with my lips parted. Don't fucking cry.

Her face grows concerned. "What's wrong? Is it Negan? Is it about the boys?"

"No, it's not about the boys," I feel a knot tighten in my throat, "He's married."

Lourdes furrows her brows. "What?"

"He's lives with six women, all of whom-"

"Whoa, time out, did you just say six women?"

"Yes," My voice rasps, "Apparently they've all agreed to marry him so they don't have to work for points or some shit like that." I swallow, looking off. "I saw one of them pass the room he put us in. She was pretty."

Lourdes scoffs. "Fucking typical Negan; I guess it's nice to know some things don't change."

I want to scoff in response and agree, but I just look at her.

She notices. "You were planning on starting over with him, weren't you?"

"No," I shake my head, "I...I don't know. He wanted to and I wanted to give it a chance, but…." I swallow again. "I spent four years avoiding any sort of scent of a relationship and he…."

She looks me over. "We can leave tonight if you want."

I glance back to her, forcing away tears. "I can't….at least not tonight."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want everyone to think I'm getting cold feet about our deal," I exhale, "Plus, I think the kids want to stay and I don't know if I should pull them away just because of something that only affects me."

The look in her eyes seems to say; "so it does affect you."

I rub my fingers together. The fingers I used to hold a cigarette with. "I should get back to the kids."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah."

With that said, I walk off out of the quarters and back up to the top. The climb up is worse than the climb down. I'm in good shape but Jesus.

I feel a weight of disappointment as I make the journey. I don't want to stay. I'd feel foolish if I did. Why did he not tell me?

I huff to myself. Why would he tell me? How long was he planning on keeping from it me? Until he got what he wanted?

I become more and more angry as I walk. Lourdes was right; typical fucking Negan. What did I expect? He'd spend the rest of his days celibate due to heartbreak and anguish? Nah, he bounces back fast. Always has.

Still, I'd be lying if I said it didn't knock me out of breath.

I breathe through my nose as I come up in the door. I hear talking from the inside. At first, I only hear Abel's boisterous words and Jolyon's calmer replies. He's always been a good brother. Always patient and kind and looking out.

I smile to myself at them laughing. As I go to put my hand on the door knob, I hear a third laugh. One that's smoky and familiar.

"Better luck next turn."

My smile lowers as I open the door. I spot my kids and him at the small table by the kitchen area. All three of them look up from the table. His eyes meet mine and I know I must look fierce because he doesn't say anything witty or cute.

I blink to Jolyon as I step in, shutting the door behind me. "I thought I said not to let anyone in?"

"It was Negan, I thought it would be okay."

"You didn't lock the door?"

"I forgot."

I look from him back to Negan. "What are you doing here?"

"Bold question, seeing how it's my factory."

When my face doesn't move a muscle, he sighs.

"I came to talk, but you were gone."

"Like you couldn't hear the door open and close from up there in your brothel."

Negan thinks about smiling, but reconsiders. "I thought you had left."

"Yeah, well...I didn't."

"I'm glad to see it."

I tread over to the table. "What's this?"

"Chutes And Ladders," Jolyon answers, "It was on the bookcase. I was showing Abel how to play when Negan came in."

I nod my head.

"Wanna play?" Abel asks me.

"It's only a two-player game, babe," I get some water, "I think I'll just watch."

"Did you find Lourdes?" Jolyon inquires, spinning the little spinner.

"I did," I make brief eye contact with Negan, "Martin, too." I pause deliberately as I take a drink, catching his eyes. "And everyone else."

Negan's gaze pierces and I can't help but have a little smile as I look at the board game on the table.

"Who's winning?"

"Jol," Abel admits, "I'm not very good at this game."

"Oh, well, it's not really a game of skill," I tell him, "It's more about chance."

"Oh…"

"Luck, baby."

"Oh, okay."

I smile at him, before walking to the bed to take my boots off. I exhale, relieved at the feeling. There's nothing that closer to good sex than taking off my boots at the end of the day.

"So, you're staying?"

"For the night," I close my eyes as I rolls my shoulders, "I'll leave when Lourdes does."

"Which is when?"

"Tomorrow, maybe." I say with some honesty.

"I thought we-"

"So, did I," I turn my head to him, "Until I learned about your charity work."

He taps his finger on the table, as if trying to think of what to say that won't piss me off.

"Mom, what are we having for dinner?"

I break the intense eye contact. "Uh, I don't know. I'll figure something out."

"Well, actually, I had something planned."

I scoff. "Is that right?"

"Yeah, that is right," He retorts, "I'm having dinner brought up."

"You have people cook for you?"

"Yes."

"Of course, you do," I shake my head incredulously, "Here?"

"Sure, or there's a dining room upstairs."

I give him a look. A yeah-fucking-right look.

"I mean it," He says, "Have dinner with me."

"I'm not going up there," I get up and walk to the dresser, "And neither are my kids."

"Jesus, Pip," Negan stands up from the table, "What the fuck do you think is up there? A strip club?"

I don't answer as I admire the flowers in the vase.

"See for yourself."

"Why would I want to go up there?" I look at him with an arched brow.

"To see that it's not what you think," He leans an arm on the dresser, "And so I can prove my place is better than your charming little cabin."

I scoff at his attempt to make me smile. "You live with six women, Negan. There's not much else worse to imagine."

"They're just women, Pippa," He says, quiet and closer to me, "I don't love them, if that's what you think."

"You have with sex with them."

"Well, yeah," He huffs with a little humor in his tone, "I mean, come on, I'm surrounded by women."

I want to slap him across his face, but my kids are here and I won't let him bring me to that. "Get out."

"Pip, don't do that," He pleads with an exhale, "Let's talk about it like grown ups. They don't mean anything. It's just...taking care of women in need."

"Good looking women in need?"

He shifts his jaw.

"Yeah, you noble leader."

Negan rolls his eyes and breathes out, frustrated. "I love you, Pippa. I want to….start shit over with you. And our kids."

I look at him, scanning his eyes and face. He said again.

"Have dinner with me," He says, "Just the two of us and the boys. I promise."

Promise? Did he know I was worried we'd be eating with all those women?

I bite my lip. "I don't know, Negan. I'm angry at you and dinner isn't going to change that."

"Maybe not, but at least give me a chance."

I hold his eye contact, unsure.

…

The clock on the wall reads six-ten. Negan said he'd be back around six, because that's when he likes to eat dinner. He had some shit he had to see to, being the leader and all, so he left us and said he'd come get us when it was dinnertime.

I know the food's up there. I opened my door briefly about fifteen minutes ago when I heard squeaky wheels. Two women with dirty clothes passed by with a cart with glossy, aromatic food on it. They made eye contact with me and I gave a polite, small smile as they did.

I heard them struggle to get the cart up the stairs without spilling anything or knocking something over. The door at the top opens and when I'm sure I hear a soft, nice voice speak to them, I shut the door.

I warmed some water on the hot plate earlier and used a rag to clean up a little. I had the boys wash up as well. I don't know if I was doing this because it was ingrained in me since childhood to wash up before dinner by my parents, or because I wanted to not have sweat on my skin or disheveled hair when I finally had to go up there. If it's the latter, I don't know if it's for Negan or for his wives.

I can't decide if I care what they'll think of me, or if I don't. They're just people, I know that, but I'm nervous of what they'll think of this woman that Negan's brought here with two kids, one of which is his own flesh and blood. Will they think I'm competition? I huff.

I feel almost as anxious as I did when I was around Lucille. I don't know why. Negan said these women married him because they needed to eat or whatever, which seems totally opposite of how she was. But still, it's the whole wife thing that's got me on edge. Deja vu. I was nothing compared to Lucille, so what if it's the same with an army of wives?

I look at the clock again. Six-twelve. He's not coming. He changed his mind. He doesn't want me to see the lagoon-like harem of pleasure that's up there. The naked mermaid-haired, bawdy, naked women that comb eachother's hair and feed each other grapes when they are aren't feeding him grapes.

Maybe they don't want me up there. Maybe they all ganged up and backed him into a corner, threatening to withhold sex, if he brought his mistress and her brats up to their ethereal, misty golden paradise. That'd be the way to change Negan's mind.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry."

"Okay," I stand up from the bed, "I'll make-"

There's a knock on the door.

I stare at the door. I walk to it and almost ask "hello?" before I open up.

"Hey."

"Hi," I go to shut the door, "You're late."

Negan stops me. "Quit being such a hellcat. I was working."

I look at him with a displeased line on my face.

He grins, looking me over. "Did you clean up?"

"I washed my face, if that's what you mean."

"Yeah," He comes in, "And you put your hair up. You look nice."

I stifle the urge to move a curl from my face. "It wasn't for you. I was just sweaty is all."

He snickers low. "I'm sure."

"Dinner's ready," I say, "I saw it go up a few minutes ago."

"I know," He nods, "You ready?"

"Yeah, I'm starving." Abel chimes in, walking over.

Both of us chuckle at him. "Well, that's good to hear, because there's a shit ton of food upstairs and it's not getting any hotter."

"What are we having?" Abel asks him as the four of us head out.

"You'll have to wait and find out."

"Is it spaghetti?"

"Hell no, it's not spaghetti," Negan chuckles, "You can't have spaghetti for every damn meal."

"I could, I like spaghetti," Abel tells him as he climbs the steps, "And eggplant parm."

"Eggplant parm?" Negan looks at him."You mean like chicken parm but with a vegetable and side of noodles and red sauce?"

"Yeah, I like the chicken one, too."

"So, spaghetti with eggplant?"

"It's really good."

I look beside me at Jolyon. "Hungry?" I ask for no reason.

"Kinda."

I nod, tempted to say "yeah, me too" but not necessarily about being hungry.

Negan pushes down on the bar and then the moves the door forward. I stare up, my heart palpitating.

He turns to look over his shoulder. "Coming?"

"Yeah." I say, before climbing the three steps to get up to the very last floor of the Sanctuary.

We enter a hallway that's got this pallid, yellowish-gray light to it. Dark, not light blue and sunny like I imagined. The floor is dead quiet instead of harps playing softly. The air is just as cold as the rest of the factory, if not colder.

"Right this way," Negan says, resting his bat on his shoulder as he strides down the hall with confidence.

Abel follows him. Jolyon waits by my side, looking up at me. I take a breath, before I start forward.

"Ladies," Negan stops abruptly, "This is my…" He looks over in my direction. "Hustle."

I mouth a "fuck you" with a glare, which makes him smile.

"This here's Abel," Negan touches the top of Abel's head, "He's my son." I note the pride in his smile and cadence. His eyes pick up to mine. "And this is his mother, Pippa, and Jolyon, the oldest."'

I finally reach the opening of what turns out to be like a parlor or living room. I see them all there. Six lovely women in black dresses of various lengths and styles. They all look at me as I look at them; silent but curious, not scornfully or snide.

"Hello." Abel waves, friendly.

"Hello." The redhead from earlier smiles.

My eyes don't rest on anyone of them in particular. That is, until I get the notion that eyes are burning into me. I flicker my eyes casually over to the left and my expression drops.

"Well, don't be fucking rude." Negan finally says after a few seconds.

"U-uh, nice to meet you." A woman with black bangs says.

Her and I break contact and she looks down. I look at the woman and smile politely. "Yeah, you too."

"When they're here, you might be seeing them a lot, which means you're to make 'em feel at home and give Pip a little respect; she's a cut above the rest."

I glance at him, a little embarrassed and obviously pissed. A cut above the rest?

"Dinner's gonna be an hour late." He tell them, before looking over at me and motioning for me to follow.

The boys and I follow. I take a quick glance back into the room and I can see from the corner of her eye that she's tilting back a drink at the bar.

"Mom." Jolyon touches my arm.

"I know." I say, knowing that he's had to have recognized her as well.

"Sit anywhere you like." Negan offers, opening the doors to the dining room.

The room is small and has a long black dining table made of a wood. The chairs are wood and black as well. It looks vintage and worn, not as gaudy and shiny. The chandelier above is a circle with little lamps all around instead of crystal like the one in the living room.

The table is adorned with a glistening brown chicken, lumpy mash potatoes, brussel sprouts with bacon, hot fresh rolls, and what looks like blueberry pie.

"Whoa." Abel awes to himself, before taking my hand.

"Yeah," I agree, taking in the feast, "Whoa."

"Sit down."

Negan draws a chair back for me, I presume. Stupefied, I walk to the chair.

"Mom, do you want to sit next to each other?" Abel asks me.

I look down as I sit in the chair and smile. "Of course, I do."

"Jol, you should sit on the other side," Abel moves a chair back, "Or next to me, if you want."

Jolyon goes to the other end of the table and has a seat, looking at all the food.

"Hope no one's a picky eater," Negan sits at the head, "Because there are no substitutes coming."

I glance at Jolyon for a moment. He use to be picky. Not too picky, but I remember him picking off sprinkles on his donut or ice cream cone because he didn't like the taste of certain colors. He grew out of that, mostly because of the change.

"Can I have water?"

"Yeah, baby, sure." I reach for the glass pitcher of water and pour some into Abel's glass. "Give me your plate, I'll fix it for you."

All of us make plates and eat for a few minutes. There's cold lemonade in another pitcher, which is so sweet and tart, it's perfect.

"Are we impressed, Mom?"

I look over as my fork pokes half of a brussel sprout. "It's delicious."

Negan smiles as if he slaved over the meal himself. "Good."

"But we have food like this back home, so if you were looking to make me envious, pound salt."

He chuckles. "I heard you whoa-ing."

"Well, yeah," I admit, chewing, "We don't usually have thanksgiving dinners every night of the week."

"Oh, is that right?" He smiles arrogantly.

I roll my eyes. "Yes, because there's no need for excess."

"Living the Puritan life, are we?"

"Living the smart life," I correct him, looking over my shoulder, "Aren't your wives gonna eat?"

"After we're done."

"Oh, yum, scraps."

Negan snickers. "The workers are bringing up theirs later, dumbass."

I nod my head. "So...do you usually eat with them?"

"When I'm not busy and eating in my room."

I bite my lip. "And do you….spend time with them?"

He looks up from his meal. "You think I should answer that in front of the kids?"

"I meant, do you spend time with them?"

"You mean, do we knit sweaters together?" Negan scoffs, "No, not really. They've got each other to keep company."

"Then what's the point of having wives, if you don't want their company?"

Negan flickers his eyes up to mine again as he chews.

It makes me angry and I huff through my nose as I stab at my brussel sprouts, causing a clunk as the metal hits the porcelain. I peer up as I feel Jolyon looking at me, but I look down again.

"Mom, can I have another roll, please?"

"Sure, honey," I grab a roll from the basket, "You want me to cut it?"

"Yeah."

"You know," Negan clears his throat, "There's some space towards the back of the Sanctuary. We could work on your arm tomorrow, if you want."

Jolyon looks over at him. "Yeah?"

"Sure." Negan smiles at him. The way he smiles at him makes me hold my gaze, wanting to smile, but refraining.

"Can I come, too?"

"Hell yeah, you can come, too."

"Cool," Abel goes back to eating, "My arm's getting good, too."

I snicker. "We're a family of pitchers," I sigh, "That is, of course, except for somebody."

Negan looks and smirks. "Me? I think you know more than anybody how good I can pitch."

I kick him under the table. "Oops, sorry. If I recall correctly, and I think I do, you were better batting. I beat you in pitching."

"I don't remember that."

"Yeah, I had a faster pitch."

He grins, picking up his glass. "Nah, I think your memory's fuzzy."

"No, I remember that," Jolyon chimes in, "We were at the batting cages."

I smile at the look on his face. The look of recognizance and the brightness of knowing that he remembers.

"Yeah, that's right," Negan nods, setting down his glass, "I kicked your mom's ass."

"Just in batting," Jolyon says, "She beat you at pitching."

"I don't recall."

"You wouldn't." I reply and we laugh.

His eyes shine on me and his smile softens. "I remember how beautiful you were."

I grow mild.

"What happened?"

He and Jolyon laugh at his teasing and I find myself rolling my eyes.

"I knew you were gonna fucking say that," I shake my head with a smile, "Asshole."

Negan inhales as his laugh settles. "I'm kidding. You're fucking beautiful. Shit, I think more so than before, if that's fuckin' possible."

"Watch your mouth." I chuckle.

"Oh, I'm sure these kids have heard it all."

I give a look but with a hint of a smile.

"Sorry." He says, somewhat genuine.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Abel?"

"What color was our house again?" Abel asks me. "I forget."

"Um, it was a soft grayish brown."

"And I didn't have a room," He adds, "Because I wasn't born yet."

"No, but you and Jol would have shared."

"That would be fun."

I smile at his sweet response. "Yeah…"

"Since I was in your tummy, did I sleep in your room with you and Dad?"

I bite my lip, flicking my eyes briefly to Negan. "Um, yeah, for a short while," I drink some water, which goes down hard, "But it's mostly been you and me sharing a room, kiddo."

"Why?"

I stare at my plate with worry in my brows. "Um, because-"

"Because he got lost," Jolyon tells him, "We didn't find him until now."

"Oh, okay," Abel puts his fork on the plate, "I'm full."

"I hope not too full for dessert." I say.

"Mm, no, I don't think so."

"Good." I smile, concentrating on the food I don't feel like eating anymore now.

"Are those ladies your friends?" Abel asks Negan.

Negan nearly chokes on his water. He clears his throat. "Uh, no, Abel. Those ladies are…" He looks briefly to me, then back at Abel, "My wives."

"All of them?"

"Yes, all of them."

Abel's brows start to gather. "I thought Mom was your wife."

He looks at me, at a loss, but I only look back. Explain your own way out, asshole. "Uh, well...you see, Mom and I are not married."

"How come?'

"Uh, because we...couldn't."

"Why?" Abel presses.

Negan licks his lips, glancing down to his glass. "Well, because…I was bad at making good decisions and good at making bad ones."

I pick my gaze up, but when he looks at me, I can't.

Negan finishes his meal in silence, which takes about ten more minutes. Abel said he was full, but he nibbles on his roll.

"You know, what?" Negan looks at the clock on the wall. "It's gettin' late. The ladies are gonna want to come in to dine soon."

"Oh…"

"We could move to my bedroom."

I look at him, gently convey "no."'

He shifts his jaw. "...or, we could take the pie downstairs to your place."

"Yeah, sounds good." I dab the cloth napkin on my lips, "Let's go, so they can eat."

Goddamn, that sounds so weird.

I pick up the pie and the four of us exit the dining room, leaving behind the mess for the workers, or wives, or whoever the fuck's in charge of cleaning that. As we start to head down the hall, I turn my head at the a sound that makes me startle a little. It's a sort of scratching. I look to a pair of doors and realize it's coming from there.

"What the hell is that?"

Negan looks over his shoulder, confused. He then raises his brows. "Oh, shit, I forgot."

"Forgot what?" I peer at him, bewildered. "What is that?"

"I'll show you." He walks towards the doors.

The three of us stay in place in the hall and watch as he opens one of the doors. Out of nowhere, a cat comes sauntering out, rubbing its head and back around his leg with a pur. It's got a chip in its ear, but it looks oddly familiar.

"Window's open," Negan looks in, "Must have blew the door closed and shut 'im in."

I knit my brows. "Is that-"

"Pip?" Jolyon is suddenly at my side.

The cat acknowledges our existence and then pads over to us.

"Oh, my god," I say under my breath, "It is."

Pip gives a meow as Jolyon crouches down to pet him. "Hi."

I look from the boy and his cat to Negan in marveled shock. "...How did you?"

"I found him when I went looking for you."

"We went back several times, but…" I furrow my brows, "You kept him through all this?"

"I did."

"How...on earth did you keep track of a cat?"

"Until I got here?" Negan scratches his scruff. "Backpack."

I arch a brow. "You carried our cat in a backpack?"

"Yeah." He nods, starting to smile.

I huff. "I don't believe you."

"His right there, isn't he?" Negan chuckles.

I shake my head in disbelief. "Why?"

He shrugs. "He was your kid's cat."

I stare at him, still bewildered but moved. I turn. "Hey, hon?"

"Yeah?" Jolyon looks up from petting his cat with a smile on his face.

I extend the pie to him. "Um, do you think you can carry this down to our room?"

"Okay." Jolyon stands and takes it.

"Thanks," I tuck some hair behind my ear, "Think you can take Abel down there? I've got to use the bathroom."

"Sure." Jol nods, before glancing down at the cat.

"Take him with you," Negan tells him, "He'll follow."

"Really?"

"Yeah, sure," Negan nods his head, "That little asshole will follow you up and down the map like a goddamn basset hound. Part of why I have 'im still; he's impossible to shake."

A smile forms on my lips.

"Okay," Jolyon says, looking over at Negan, "Thanks. For keeping him, I mean."

"Sure, kid."

Jolyon looks down at the pie, as if he wants to put it down, even for a second's chance. But he doesn't, he starts to walk to the end of the hall where we came in from. "Come on, Abel."

Abel cackles. "Look, he's following us!"

I can't help but gleam at his amusement of Pip's dog-like tendency to follow. I watch as the two go. Abel waves in the direction of the living room the wives were in and I hear one or two of them tell him goodbye in a nice tone.

"Damn, am I glad that cat's got someone else to fuckin' hound," Negan says right behind me, "I always thought cat's were fickle as hell, but that dickhead thinks I'm the queen of the nile."

I smile, humored, turning to face him. "That's an incredible thing you did."

Negan shrugs casually. "You kept Simon's dog alive."

"Yeah…" I look up at him.

His eyes traipse my face. "The bathroom's the first door to the right."

I nod. "What door is to your room?" I ask demurely.

Negan's mouth curls upward. "It's the one right behind me."

"Yeah?" I reply, almost too quiet to be audible.

"Yeah," He steps back a foot and lightly pushes the cracked door open more, "Would you like to come in?"

Yes. I bite my lip and then shake my head. "No, I...I can't. The boys have to go to bed soon."

"Jol's old enough to-"

"It's been a long day," I stop him, "I just want eat some pie with the kids and...play with the cat and go to bed."

Negan doesn't try to not look disappointed as he sighs. "Alright."

"...You wanna come down?"

He nods. "Yeah, sure."

"Okay."

The two of us go down the hall, him behind me. I can't help but glance from the corner of my eye into the living room. Negan and I enter the stairwell and as we get about halfway, I stop on the stairs.

"Why you stopping?"

I turn his way and look him in the eye. He seems puzzled. I swallow, before I reach my hand over and touch the lapel of his leather jacket. I feel it between my fingers as he stares at me. I grab hold, and then a better hold and pull him my way with no restrain on his end.

Our lips crash against each other. Negan leans forward, towering over me as he puts his hand on the wall behind me. I put my hands on his chest and work my way up, until I can hook one around his neck.

The electricity zooms through me. I want him closer. I want our bodies touching, entwined like we know how to be.

He reaches his other hand to my face and then combs it through my hair, clutching curls. I let out a soft moan that echoes in the stairwell. God, I missed the way he touches me. His hands love me like bees to honey.

Out of nowhere, Negan steps back a little, breaking the kiss. I gaze at him with feverish confusion, looking down as his hands touch his belt.

"What are you doing?"

"Losing to a fuckin' belt." He says, trying to undo his belt in a hurry.

I feel the heat start to wind down. "We...we can't have sex here."

Negan looks up, pausing from his beltwork. "Pardon?"

I scoff. "We're in a stairwell, Negan. Anyone could walk in on us. Your wives, our kids."

He looks up at the door at the top. "What were we just doing?"

"Making out, stupid," I inform him, "Fooling around."

"We're not fourteen."

"I don't anyone clawing my eyes out for catching me with you."

Negan looks at me and smiles. "You could take 'em."

I smile mildly. "You're not worth clawing over."

"You had your claws all over me just a second ago." He kisses me.

"Yeah…" I go to kiss him back, but I think instead, "Negan?"

"Hm?"

My hand gently touches his face. "If I asked you to leave your-"

"No."

Our eyes meet and I stare in blunt surprise. No? I take my hand away. "Why not?"

"Because I can't do that."

I huff, creating distance between us, angry. "Why the hell not?"

"Because I made a deal with you that was way too lenient on my end and I can't have my people thinking I'm losing my edge for some pretty woman."

I scoff again. "So, keeping your wives is some dick and balls sort of thing?"

"That's the way I'd put it."

I look at his face and eyes that convey he means it. "I thought you wanted to work on things? To be a family?"

"I do and we can," Negan says, "But I'm not kicking my wives to the curb."

"Because they're a status symbol?"

"Yes," He looks me over, "But that's all they are. You're the real deal."

I poke my tongue in my cheek. "No, I'm a bad decision you're good at making; some pretty woman."

"Pippa-"

"I told you I'm not gonna be the other woman, Negan," I tell him, "Not again."

"You're not-"

"I think we should call it a night." I look down, disappointed and pissed.

Negan exhales. "Come on, Pippa."

"No, you come on." I fire back with piercing eyes that soften when they meet his. I move, going down the stairs, taking my arm away when he tries to stop me.

"Pippa."

"No." Is all that comes out of my mouth as I reach the bottom. No.

…

"You want another story?"

"Mm, no."

I smile softly, brushing my hand over his hair. "You ready to go to sleep?"

"Yeah." Abel nods against his pillow. "Hey, Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"How come Dad has so many wives?"

My smile breathe through my nose.

"I thought you can only have one."

"Well, that's usually how it works."

"How come all those ladies are married to him then?"

"Uh, well…" Because you're dad is an asshole who likes to prove he's the king dick of everything. "You're dad has a big heart."

"A big heart?"

"Yeah, and apparently when you have a big heart, you can cram a lot of people inside."

"Are you there?"

I lose my smile. "Um, I think so."

"Are we in there?" He asks, referring to himself and Jolyon.

"Yes, of course."

"Even though we just met?"

"Definitely," I smile at him, "Parents always love their kids. Even if they just meet them."

He nods. "Do you want to marry him, too?"

"Say, what's with all the questions?" I arch my brow and he smiles. "You're supposed to be going to bed."

"I am."

"Then quit with the third degree and get to sleep."

"Okay," Abel says, "Love you."

"Love you," I kiss his forehead, "goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I peek up in the top bunk. "You nodding off, too?"

"Yeah." Jolyon nods with Pip curled on top of his blankets.

"Night."

"Night."

I stay awake after they go to sleep. I pace the room when I'm not sitting down. I drink water like it was gin and eat bit after bit of the pie after I said I'd save some for tomorrow for breakfast. Cold pie for breakfast is a Barnes tradition. Pip every now and then opens his orange eyes and watches me move, unnerved.

He has wives. Plural. He says he doesn't love them and I think I know Negan well enough to know that he probably doesn't. They're Laras and Claires and Lourdeses...and Pippas.

He says he loves me, said I was different before the change, but if that's true then why-

A knock on the door interrupts my train of thought. I look over at the door in silence. Another knock. I roll my eyes. Not tonight, asshole. Negan knocks again, this time louder.

I stalk up to the door. "Go away, Negan."

I turn to walk to my bed.

"It's not Negan," A voice says low, "It's Sherry."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy!**


	9. Chapter 9

I stare at the door, puzzled. What does she want? I think about the last time we saw each other and scoff. I'd like to see her try.

"Hello?" She knocks again. "Can you open up?"

I glance over at my kids on the bunk bed. Jolyon's sitting on the top, looking at me. I put my hand on the door knob and open it.

She's standing right in the center just outside the frame. We look at each other. I feel what she must feel; a mixture of shock of seeing each other alive, bad blood because of the past, and this strange awkwardness seeing each other like this.

Her dress is black and short. Her lips part. "Uh...hey."

"Hey." I say back to her, unsure of what else to say.

Sherry looks me, my face, my eyes, eventually down my body until her eyes meet the floor.

"You're alive."

"Yeah, so are you."

She nods, touching her arm. She clears her throat. "You look good."

"Yeah, so do you."

"I...I can't believe how big Jolyon's gotten."

I scan her face. "Is Dwight alive?"

Her gaze picks up. She appears somewhat resentful about me asking. "Yeah, he's alive."

"And here?"

"Yes, he's here," Sherry confirms with a slight scoff, before her she appears to grow uneasy, "You haven't seen him?"

"No," I shake my head, "...Did you two not work out?"

The way she looks at me makes me feel like I was callous to ask that way. Hearing myself say it back in my head makes me realize that it was.

She clears her throat again. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

Sherry's eyes look into mine, inquiring. "Is your youngest boy Negan's son?"

I breathe through my nose. "Yes, he is."

"How is that possible?" She shrugs, bewildered, "He's, what? Four or five?"

"He's four," I answer, "I...knew Negan from before."

"Before?" She looks confused.

"Yes, we...saw each other before."

Sherry's stares for a minute, tracing my face with her eyes as if trying to envision a past Negan with in it. Her brows finally raise. "We saw you in the grocery store. You were pregnant."

"Yes," I nod as I confirm the truth, "You sent D to come ask me if it was his."

She huffs. "Yeah, well, I had a reason to suspect, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did."

Sherry shakes her head, looking back down. "So, was he married, too? Negan?"

"Is this why you came down here?" I inquire. "To call me a homewrecking whore for what I did four years ago?"

"No, I came here because two days ago Negan left to go 'crack skulls' and then all of the sudden workers are being told to fix up a space for a woman and two small kids," She tells me rudely, "Then he shows up with you and your kids, one of which he says is his son."

I look at her. I don't know what she wants me to say. It's clear though that everyone here seems to be perturbed that Negan didn't "crack skulls."

"What are you doing here?" She wants to know. "What are your intentions?"

I can't help but smirk into a incredulous chuckle. "Afraid I'm gonna steal another husband?"

 _Crack!_

I touch the sting on my face as my eyes burn into hers.

She stares back, only slightly fearful. "Get one thing straight; I don't give a shit about Negan. You can have him, if you want him." Her eyes puzzle at me. "If you aren't afraid of him."

"Why would I be afraid of Negan?"

Sherry's mouth comes to close. "You don't know," She concludes, almost pitifully, "You haven't met Lucille."

At that, I find myself growing somber. "Yeah, I met her."

Sherry scoffs. "No, you haven't."

My eyes reads hers. "We have a deal, that's it. We owe Negan, so we're paying it off, before we can work on trade between our communities."

Sherry nearly laughs. "Really? That's why you're here?"

"Yes," I answer, putting my hand on the frame of the door, "I killed some of his men."

She looks at me and her smile lessens as she looks me over.

"We're making things right."

She scoffs again, softer. "Yeah, I know all about that. Making things right."

I stare at her, impatient.

She looks off. "I have to go. If I'm gone too long he'll ask questions." Her eyes meet mine. "If he isn't too busy to take notice that is."

My face doesn't give a hint. "Goodnight, Sherry."

"Goodnight, Pippa," She starts to walk away, "Oh, and don't tell him you know me...or D."

"I deserved that hit,," I call after her, "Like I deserved the other time. But, just so you know; next time you hit me, you better make damn sure whoever does your laundry can get blood out."

She scoffs as she climbs the stairs.

I open the door behind me, watching her go back to the stairwell and up to the door at the top, before I go inside. If I could slam the door, I would.

"What a fuckin' joy to see you again." I grumble.

"Mom?"

I look over to see Jolyon with his chin resting on his hand that's on top of his pillow. "Hey."

"Was that Sherry?"

"Yes, that was Sherry."

"The same Sherry that lived in Camden?"

"Yes, the same Sherry." I walk over to my bed.

"Is Dwight still alive, too?"

I sit down to take of my boots. The sweet feeling I feel in doing so reminds me of Dwight.

"Mom?"

"Yes, babe, he's alive," I answer him, "Apparently, anyway."

"...It's weird, isn't it? That people we know from before all live in the same place?"

I shrug. "Only Negan and Dwight and Sherry."

"And Simon."

I breathe, worried as I'm reminded of that. Of Paula, too. "Yeah."

"It's weird."

"I know," I lay down on the bed, "But I guess if you think about, all the towns were close to one another and, well, people were bound to crunch together."

"I guess."

I think about it in my head. It is weird. It's like a strange dream that doesn't seem to have a rhyme or reason of why it is, like most dreams.

"Are we leaving tomorrow?"

I get up to turn off the light. "I don't know." I go to the door and push the lock. "What do you want to do?"

"I'll go where you go."

I turn off the lamplight. "But you like it here?"

"Mm, I don't know," He says, "But-"

"Negan's here?" I lay back down on the bed.

"Yeah…"

I turn my head to look at him. "You okay? You've been a little quiet."

Jolyon shrugs the shoulder he isn't laying on. "Yeah."

"You sure?" I ask. "You can tell me."

"I'm fine, it's just…" He looks at me, "Nothing. I'm fine."

"What is it?"

"It's nothing," Jolyon claims, "I just...can't believe he's alive."

I look on, not wholly convinced. "...I told you he could make it in this world, didn't I?"

He nods his head.

I turn mine forward. "We should get some sleep. It's been a long few days."

"Yeah…" He says quietly, "Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Is he really married to all those ladies?"

I open my eyes, staring up at the shadowed ceiling. "Yes, Jol, he is."

"Why?" He asks me. "I mean, I think I heard him say, but I don't know."

I breathe deep through my nose.

"And not the crap you told Abel."

I chew my lip, thinking of how to put it. "Negan's people work for points. Those women agreed to marry him, so they would have to do that anymore."

"Because it's hard?" He asks. "To work for points?"

"I guess, I don't know," I say honestly, "Things cost a lot, I guess."

"Oh...okay."

"I know." I tell him as I lay there, still staring at the ceiling. I know.

I lay awake for a good while, long after Jolyon got to sleep. I can't stop thinking about it. I laughed like I was amused earlier when I was talking to Sherry, but the truth is, if he had said yes, I would have taken him from her. From them all. And I wouldn't have regretted it.

It wouldn't have been out of contempt or mean-spiritedness. It would have been because I loved him four years ago. Because he loves me now. Because we have a son.

Because I'm what Walter, the former leader of Halcyon, called an ambitious "go-getter."

…

A pounding on the door wakes me up the next morning. I furrow my closed eyes when it begins to wake me, but when the knock gets harder I sit up.

"Motherfucker," I growl under my breath.

"Mom?"

I look across the room to see both boys looking at me like meerkats. I get up out of bed, stiff from not sleeping well.

"Alright, I'm coming!" I call out, walking to the door. I pause just before I open it. "Who is it?"

"It's me." Negan says outside. I half expected him to ask me who the fuck I thought it was. "Who the fuck do you think?"

I smile a little, humored. "What do you want?"

"For you to open the goddamn door."

"I'm not decent."

"You never were," He retorts, "Now open up."

"No."

"I'm serious, Pippa."

"So am I."

I hear him sigh, irritated. "Pip, open the door. _Now_."

"Oh, mouthy," I quip, "I don't know who the hell you think you're talking to, but I'd roll back the demanding 'now', if you want in."

"Fucking smartass bitch." He faintly curses me under his breath in the hall. "Open the door, _please._ "

I open the door, immediately making eye contact. "That's more like it."

Negan looks me over, none too happy. "Thought you said you weren't decent?"

I remain in the way of him entering. "You really think I'd be standing here naked with my kids in the room?"

Negan pushes the door open and moves past me. "It's not like you haven't before."

I roll my eyes, shutting the door.

"Good morning." Abel says from the bottom bunk.

"Good morning," Negan happily greets, "How'd ya sleep?"

"Good," Abel replies, "My bed is comfy."

"Fantastic."

I fold my arms. "What do you want?"

He turns. "To tell you breakfast is here."

"We have food here," I tell him, "We can-"

"Nonsense, people had to be up bright and early to make this meal," He looks at me, "Wouldn't want to their hard work to go to waste."

"If the food goes to waste, it's because you had them make a huge breakfast without checking to see if we would attend."

Negan stares at me in a way that tells me to stop being such a bitch.

"You can't honestly expect me to eat with you."

"Silly me to think you'd move on by now from our little spat last night," He says, "Fine, if-"

"A little spat?" I huff, "You're joking, right?"

He continues to look at me in frustration. He breathes. "If you don't want to go, then fine, stay here, but send the kids up."

I bite my tongue, fighting off a fierce retort. I glance over at the kids behind him. "Do two wanna go to breakfast?"

"Yeah." Abel says.

Jolyon looks at me, appearing to be at a crossroad.

I breathe calmly. "Okay, both of you get dressed."

"Turn around, please." Abel climbs out of bed.

"I'll step out real quick." I open the door and step out into the hall.

"Hold up." Negan stops me from closing the door and follows me.

I exhale, turning to look at him as he shuts the door.

"It wasn't a little spat, asshole."

"It was over fast."

I glare at him. "You told me we couldn't be together."

"I most certainly did not say that," He argues, "I said-"

"You said you wouldn't leave your wives to buckle down with me." I remind him hotly.

"Buckle down?" He chuckles. "You never said buckle down."

"Well, that's what I meant," I cross my arms, "You want me to be the other woman."

"I didn't fucking say that either." He says, less amused.

"Oh, let me guess, I'm not the other woman, I'm the _only_ woman," I rolls my eyes, "Please."

"Would I say something fuckin' sappy as that to you?"

"All that family bullshit you've been saying is pretty sappy."

"That wasn't bullshit. I meant that shit."

"Yeah," I say, doubtful, "You, me, the kids, and the sister wives."

Negan laughs with that smile you just want to smack off his face.

"It's not funny."

"Yeah, it is," He chuckles, "You really are pissed, aren't you?"

I scoff, "When will you learn that I mean what I say?"

"Pip, my wives are-"

"Are women that you treat like baseball cards," I interject, "And yet they still get to be your wives, while I, the mother of your child, have to be that some woman that comes around sometimes."

"No, you're the woman who matters," He says, "And, the risk of getting slapped, you're the only woman who matters."

I huff, not impressed.

Negan steps closer, moving to put a hand on my arm. "Pip, everything I've done for the past few years has been because of you."

I raise a brow. "What?"

"I looked for you and when I didn't find you, I decided to move forward," He tells me, towering over me, "I did all this because I had nothing else to look forward to; Lucille was dead, I had to assume you and the kids were gone, too." He swallows. "I save people, because I couldn't save Lucille and I couldn't save you."

I look at his eyes that seem fixed on where his hand meets my skin.

He flicks his to mine. "So, if you think you're just some woman to me, you're fucking out of your goddamn boozer mind."

"Hey, I've been sober for four years, asshole!"

"Relax, it was a test," He laughs, "I wanted to see if you'd give me lip."

"If I didn't, that would mean I was drinking again?"

"Yeah."

I roll my eyes. "Jackass."

He chuckles, kissing my cheek, before I have time to react. "God, I love you."

I peer up at him. "You love me?"

"Yes, I do."

"Even though we haven't seen each other in years?"

"Why the fuck would that change anything?"

"I don't know…" I say, "Time changes all things."

"Where the hell did you hear that?"

I shrug my shoulder. "It's just the truth, especially nowadays."

His eyes search mine. "Do you not love me?"

I look at him. "I…" I pause, not knowing how to say the words.

Negan's expression grows concerned.

"You were always on my mind," I tell him, "I looked for you in the dead when I didn't find you among the living."

He stands there, still moving along my face as he listens.

"I thought you were dead," I continue, "I...I knew you were dead. But every time I saw a rotter that I thought could be you, I'd feel this weight in my chest like I couldn't breathe."

Negan's eyes becomes softer.

I open my mouth, still tongue-tied. My eyes look into his. "...Yes."

He grins, but not in his usual, cocky way. I think he almost goes to kiss me, but the door behind him opens, interrupting us.

"Okay, we're dressed." Abel says from the open door.

Pip slips out below him, trotting over to Negan with a meow and rubbing his back against his leg.

Negan sighs, looking down, "Good morning, asshole."

I smile a little. I still can't believe he's kept Pip alive.

"Are you gonna come, too, Mom?"

I blink to Jolyon. "Um…" I look back at Negan who's conveying to me to say yes. "I might."

"Cool." Abel walks back in.

"Are you?"

"I don't know, I might."

"I think you should." He comes a little closer.

I study him. "What's on the menu?"

"It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises, you know that."

"I know, that's why it's a surprise."

I arch my brow at him and he chuckles. I lower my brow in new thought. "Did you…?"

Negan looks at me. "Did I…what?"

"Um…" I bite my lip, deciding I don't want to know, "Nevermind."

He nods. "No."

I meet his eyes.

"I didn't."

…

The team that came with me are all sitting off together in the corner of the factory given to them to stay. They're eating from bowls of what looks like oatmeal and black coffee from styrofoam cups.

It makes me feel guilty to have a full stomach of biscuits, gravy, hash browns, and coffee with milk and sugar.

"Morning."

"Morning." Connor greets, scooping the runny oatmeal into his mouth.

"How'd you sleep?"

"On broken in mattresses on the floor," Martin replies wryly, "How'd you sleep?"

I don't answer because they all know already. "Have they showed you their boiler room, or water pipes?"

"No, but I'm guessing they'll be doing that today."

I nod my head. "I want an estimate on how long you think it'll take. And not a Savior's estimate; I want yours."

Martin nods in agreement. "Okay."

I look at Lourdes, who's staring in an odd direction. I turn to follow her gaze and see Simon stalking god knows where across the factory.

"When are you leaving?"

She snaps her eyes my way. "Whenever you are."

I twist my mouth to the side. "I'm not sure when that'll be."

Her brows furrow. "I thought you were leaving today."

"I want to make sure things are cool, before I go."

"So, when?"

"I don't know."

Lourdes huffs, not happy. "Where are the kids?"

"With Negan."

"Where?"

"In the room we stayed in last night."

She nods and the way she looks at me seems to ask me how "things" went last night.

I ignore the look and glance at everyone for a read of the room. It's not what I hoped for, but what I expected.

"I'll be around the factory," I tell them, "Come find me, if anything goes wrong."

As I walk towards the stairwell, I scan my eyes across the rows of people on the mattresses. My eyes pause at every blonde head I make out, moving quickly on when it's not the one I had hoped to see.

…

When I go back to the top floor, the door to our room is open and I see that it's empty. I don't panic, but I'm pissed as I head into the stairwell and back up to the very top. I push open the door and stride down the hallway, determined to find him with them.

I peer into the living room where all his wives are sitting. They all look up or over like seagulls on a beach. I don't say anything, I just awkwardly walk on to the dining room, which is empty.

"That's cheating!"

"It is not."

"Yeah, it is! You can't look at my cards!"

I look at the pair of closed doors almost directly across from the dining room.

"I can if I'm taller than you and can see your hand."

"Don't ask for my cards anymore, ask for Jolyon's."

"I can't see Jol's cards."

I push down on the handle and open the door.

"Then give me one of your cards."

"That's not how shit works."

I see the boys sitting by a coffee table with him with fans of cards in their hands.

"What's this?" I ask.

Negan, who's sitting on a black leather couch, looks up and the boys turn their heads.

"We're playing Go Fish," Abel informs me with knitted brows, "Dad's cheating. He's looking at my cards."

"I'm not cheating," Negan disputes with a grin, "The kid's got his cards down too low; both of us can see 'em."

"So, your first instinct is to ask for the cards that match yours?"

"Yes, what would you do?"

"I'd tell him to move his cards up, so people can't see them."

"I guess we've got different parenting styles."

I roll my eyes, before taking in the room. It's big, the biggest I've seen out of any of them. The first thing I notice is that it doesn't remind me of the house I had once entered to pick up my son. This isn't how Lucille had decorated their house. This reminds me of the opening of _Wuthering Heights,_ fireplace included, minus the bed.

"Have a seat."

I glance at his hand patting the spot on the couch next to him. "We have business to attend to."

"I've got my best guys for the job and my bookeeper taking your brood to where they'll be workingh," Negan tells me, "Sit."

I knit my brows. "Why your bookkeeper?"

"He likes to know everything that goes on here," He replies, "Also, your people need to be added to the list of people who earn points."

"Added to the list?" I scoff, "No, my people aren't earning points for their labor. They're here to work off what we owe you."

"Right, but they'll need points to purchase goods at the commissary."

"No, they won't," I stubbornly say, "They're providing you a service that your 'best guys for the job' can't figure out themselves, so they eat for free."

Negan scans my eyes, just as stubborn about his way as I am about mine. He shifts tongue to the inside of his cheek. "They can have three hot meals a day. Anything they want after that, they have to pay for."

"Deal." I agree, knowing that I basically won.

"Are you gonna sit down?"

I go over to the couch and sit beside him, but not too close. "I think maybe it's safe to say that you're winning?"

"He cheated," Abel complains, "That's not fair."

"Hey, life isn't always fair, kid." Negan tells him.

I cock an eyebrow at him. "This is a card game. For kids."

"What's your point?"

I shake my head and he chuckles.

"Alright, alright, we'll start a new game," Negan throws his cards in, "But you better keep your cards on guard this time."

"Deal." Abel puts his card on the table, so Negan can reshuffle the deck.

They all play four more rounds. Negan won two games and each of the boys won one.

After that, I told them they had to do a little school work I made them pack before we came here. Jolyon brought his book report to finish up, while Abel practices drawing letters and numbers. It's not graded, he's four. He only does homework because he asked to, because Jolyon does homework. Most of the times, he ends up drawing pictures all around the page and the work he did do.

I asked if they could sit in the dining room and of course Negan said yes; I have a feeling he's been wanting me in this room alone since before we got here. I opened both doors, so I could "keep my eyes on the boys" but really it was only so his wives wouldn't suspect we were alone in here for a reason.

"You can't see anything out that window," Negan informs me, "It's all ants down there."

I stare down outside. "You aren't the tiniest bit interested in going down there?"

"Nope."

"You're potentially gonna have running water," I look at him reclined on the couch with this feet propped on the table, "That's not something you wanna oversee?"

"Do you stand and watch everything that goes on at your place?"

"No, but I know what's going on," I tell him, "I like to know the ins and outs of every operation."

"Yeah, well, trust me, darlin'," Negan says, "I know everything that goes on around here. I'm everywhere."

I look away from the window again to look at him.

"Besides, you're gonna head home with the boys in a couple days," He turns his head. "I wanna spend as much time with you as I can before then."

I meet his gaze and stifle a blush at what he said. "My dad always told me not to fall for smooth talkers."

Negan chuckles, "I wasn't smooth talking you."

"You're sweet talking me," I retort, "That's virtually the same thing."

"You think I'm saying this shit to win you over?"

I shrug mildly. "You've always been a talker."

"Yeah, well, I'm not talking to hear myself talk; I mean what I say to you."

"Hm."

"Say, what happened to your parents?"

I stare at the ants below. "They didn't make it."

"That's a shame," He says casually, "They seemed like nice people."

He didn't know them and maybe for that reason, I don't feel like going into detail, even though the memories are vivid and present in my mind.

"Would you get away from the window?" Negan complains, "I'm trying to talk to you."

"We are talking."

"Yeah, and you're giving lousy ass conversation, standing over there trying to mother hen your people. They're not even out there."

"I'm not being a mother hen," I growl, "I'm just looking."

"Well, stop. It's rude as hell when someone's talking to you."

"Oh, well, excuse me." I walk aimlessly from the window, looking at his room again. "You've got some taste."

"Does that mean you don't like it?"

"It means…." I shrug, "It's better than having a neon sign with your favorite sports team on the wall."

He chuckles. "You don't like it."

"It's not how would I decorate," I meet his eyes, "But then again, I don't sleep here."

His grin tips up like that's a challenge. His eyes move forward at the sound of Abel and Jolyon talking to one another. "Damn."

"What?"

"We've got one good-lookin' family."

I roll my eyes again. "Yeah, they-"

"Take after me." We both say in unison. We look at one another and he snickers.

"They take after me." I say again, more adamant.

"You've seen me, right?"

"Yeah," I retort, "If you didn't make me laugh, I might have never slept with you."

He laughs. "You fucking liar!"

I shrug my shoulders.

"I got you because you thought I was handsome as fuck," He argues lightly, "The bend-me-over-your-desk- and-fuck-me-until-I-melt kind of handsome."

I shoot him a look. "Shut your fucking mouth! The kids are right outside."

Negan's smile is as wide as it gets as he chuckles throatily, knowing he's gotten under my skin.

"I'm not laughing."

He looks out the opens doors. "Relax, they didn't hear."

I shake my head, flustered. "They get their looks from me."

"Bullshit."

"Jolyon should be proof of that enough." I say that and while it doesn't sound mean, it upsets me.

"Easy to say, considering I've never met his dad and never will."

That's why it upsets me. I sigh through my nose. "He wasn't a bad looking guy...but he never would have landed an eight like me unless I was half-drunk."

"An eight?" He scrunches his brows, amused.

"Yeah, well, I was an alcoholic," I smile, "A caustic alcoholic, so I lose two points."

Negan laughs, breathing out. "Speaking of Jolyon; what's with him?"

"What do you mean?"

Negan's looking at him from where he sits. His eyes seem mildly concerned. "He's...I don't know, not the same."

"Oh…" My eyes move to look at Jolyon, but I can't see him from here.

"He used to talk my ear off." Negan adds with a faded nostalgia.

I hold my elbows. "He's older. He's seen the world and how ugly it can be. How people can be."

"How people are." Negan corrects.

I nod my head. "He had to grow up fast. I don't think he was convinced you were alive like Abel was. Just give him some time, he'll come around."

"Hell, I'm not worried," Negan stretches a little, "I just want my pal back is all."

I stroll the room, looking at the place as I think, bored as hell. I really want to be downstairs. I note the bat resting against the couch where Negan sits. I look at the bed, but only briefly, unwilling to imagine what has happened there.

"When do you plan on going back?" Negan asks me, as if reading my uneasiness as I walk the room. That, or he's been thinking about it for some time.

"Soon," I answer, "My community needs a leader."

"Send Lourdes back."

"Negan," I look at him, "You know I have to go back."

"Okay, well, maybe-"

"We discussed that, too."

Negan exhales, clearly frustrated.

"Would you leave this place for a long period of time?"

He shifts his jaw. "Fair enough."

I smile, going over to the couch and running a hand over his head. He tilts his head back to look up at me. I smile even softer. "You are handsome as fuck."

"A face you could sit on."

I snicker, leaning down and kissing him. I linger above his lips. "Or hold a pillow over."

"Is this foreplay?"

I chuckle. "Premeditation."

"Can't we screw around and call it a crime of passion?" He snickers to himself, thinking that clever. "We always did have better sex like that."

"Hm," I stroke his hair again, "I'm more of a calculated woman now. A girl's gotta be to get on in this world."

"That how you became the leader of Halcyon?" He inquires.

I stare down at him. "Yes." I move.

"Yes?" Negan's eyes follow me. "So, you didn't build that place."

"I never said I did," I tread towards the windows again, though not close enough to see outside, "I said we found Halcyon after spending a couple of years on foot."

"It was already there."

"Yes, same as this place. I made improvements."

"How'd you take it?"

"Who says I took it?" I look at him. "How do you know I didn't just win the people over?"

"No one who says they were calculated was ever given anything."

"Actually, I was," I tell him as I go around to one of the chairs, "I took over, but only after I knew I wouldn't end up dead, or...exiled."

"How so?" Negan asks, interested.

"Why do you want to know?" I ask him, pouring myself a glass of water from a beautiful glass pitcher on the table. I arch my brow at him.

"I like to know the people I'm in business with." He grins, but I know he's serious.

He wants to get an idea of me and my community, he means. Size me up. He wants to know if we're a potential threat, or rather what makes us not scary easy.

I meet his gaze. "Martin found us. It was just Lourdes, the kids, the Patels, and I. We lost people along the way, places we thought could be permanent." I look down at the table. "Martin was on a scavenge run when he found us camping in the woods not far from this town. We camped around towns and roads; it was safer."

I feel Negan's eyes on me, staring with deep interest.

"He told us about Halcyon," I continue, "How it was a safe place we could live and not have to keep moving on and on. That's what everyone wants."

"You trusted him?"

"We didn't have much of a choice," I shrug, "Jolyon was sick from the rain that had been pouring down for days. I was desperate; I offered to go alone with him to make sure it was safe." I take a drink of water, licking my lips. "When I knew it was safe, I brought the others back."

"How long 'til you took over?"

I shrug again. "We settled in...a few months maybe."

He stares. "What'd you do?"

"I worked," I tell him, "We all did, because we wanted to prove ourselves."

He waits for me to go on.

I smooth my hands, looking at them. "I...I wanted a good life for the boys; a future." I clear my throat. "Whatever it took."

Negan still remains silent.

I bite my lip. "I took a job as the bookkeeper since the old once was, well, old and going blind and…" I look up at him. "Walter, the former leader, put a lot of responsibility on that bookkeeper. I had to take on the job...so I did."

He nods his head.

"It's not my fault people respected me for giving a damn. For not being afraid to leave the community to clear the dead, or lend a hand where I could...for giving them better structure when they needed it."

"So, when did he realize he wasn't the leader anymore?" Negan pokes his tongue in his cheek. "When did he wake up and learn that his bookkeeper pirated his community?"

"The day I dragged our doctor out into the streets and cut his throat."

Negan's brows gather.

I stare back. "There was a woman, Arlene. She was kind, warm-hearted. She planted sunflowers." My eyes lower again. "I noticed one day she began to be less like herself, removed and dazed."

I pause when I hear the boys laugh in the other room. "Then one night, I was walking home and I saw her rush out from the hospital. The sleeve to her dress looked torn. She's diabetic, she would go for insulin whenever she needed it." I look back to his curious eyes. "The doctor, Mathias, had been forcing himself on her. The first time it happened, she had had dinner with him, like a dat."

I scoff, "She said she tried to tell Walter, but he asked if maybe she was mistaken. If she maybe had too much to drink and didn't remember what had happened the next morning. But she told me she wasn't even drunk; she had half a glass of wine and she didn't stay the night. She left after it had happened."

Negan's eyes scan mine.

"I had to do something," I tell him, "We had laws. When I went to Walter, he said he was aware of the issue, but we couldn't be without a doctor." My chest swells with anger from that day. "So, I marched to the hospital, asked Mathias if he had done it."

"He confessed?"

"Yeah," I huff, "He knew he'd get away with it, because Walter was too afraid to punish someone with a vital skill." I breathe out. "So, I hit Mathias with the butt of my gun and dragged him out into the street."

My mind goes back to Mathias, bloody and less arrogant than he always seemed to be. He said he was sorry in a pleading tone as people gathered.

"What's the point of laws, if people who are deemed more important are pardoned from them?" I blink from the brutal motion of my hand and knife. The warmth of blood. "A crowd had gathered. I told them of his crime and made him confess aloud."

"And then you killed him."

"I pulled his head back and cut his throat."

"Goddamn," Negan says in a way that sounds both taken back and amazed, "That is some savage shit."

I can't help, but feel ashamed, even though I don't regret what I did. "Jolyon was there."

Negan looks me over.

"I wish he hadn't been."

"He never saw you do something like that before?"

I don't answer.

Negan nods his head. "Well, shit. Here I thought you won in a little election." His eyes are fixed in mine, still curious.

"No," I look at my hands again, "I took control after I made myself the person everyone came to when they needed help. And I delivered."

"Boy, did you."

"I didn't declare myself leader or anything."

"But they kept coming to you and you kept giving out direction."

I nod, picking up my gaze. "I'm not proud of what I did or how I went about it. But I had to; for my kids."

Negan nods, almost in admiration.

"Mom?" Abel comes into the room.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I need help with my homework."

I stand up, anxious to leave this conversation. "I'm coming."

"You ever have to do something like that again?"

I turn before I exit. "No. There's nothing scarier than a bitch with blood on her face as she lays down the law."

…

I finally made my way down to inquire if it's an easy fix and how long it'll take. Martin said hopefully a few days, but the Saviors Negan sent with them seemed pretty knowledgeable and if they haven't been able to figure it out by now, then it might take them longer than that.

I was pissed to see some of my people spread out, doing tasks they weren't contracted to do like working in some rag-tag mechanics shop or out helping reinforce the fences.

"What are you doing?"

"What's it look like?" Lourdes smartly says, hunched over a crate that's beside someone's bed. "I'm invading privacy."

"Why?"

"The bookkeeper, Reed I think, told me to." She shrugs, indifferently rifling. "I'm supposed to be looking for weapons or other contraband."

"Contraband?" I scoff, looking up at the people standing by the mattresses.

"Yep, apparently workers aren't allowed to have certain items." She gives me a look. "Like weapons or alcohol, the alcohol's just because the Saviors want it. Simon said if I saw anything I might like, I could take it."

"You mean steal?"

She shrugs before standing. "I'm not really looking; I'm just looking busy. I don't give a fuck what these people have."

"Careful," I tell her, glancing at the bookkeeper on the catwalk above, "Don't make waves. For you or them."

She ignores me, moving onto the next quarter. "How's the water situation?"

"Martin said maybe a few days, maybe longer."

"Great."

"You don't have to stay."

"Yeah, well, I'm not leaving you here with the kids."

I breathe, not liking what she's insinuating. Sure, this place is not our way, but this is Negan. He might like to have people under him, but he's not cruel. Right?

A motorcycle comes to a halt outside but the engine still rumbles. Someone calls for the gates.

"Where are the boys?" She asks me. "I haven't seen them since we got here."

"They're with Negan," I tell her, "He's going over the books."

"The books books?" She inquires, knitting her brows at me.

"Yes," I nod my head, "Reed brought them up to him. He goes over them every night."

Lourdes nods and I can tell what she's thinking. I wouldn't be able to do the same thing here that I did at Halcyon.

"I'll bring them down so you can see them."

"Maybe not," She says, "It's rough down here."

"Okay." I breathe, "Lour?"

"Huh?"

"Keep me sober."

"You got it, babe."

I walk off and let her do the job she was assigned. As I make my way to the stairs, the door to the top opens and a man walks in. He doesn't look at anyone below him as he treads towards the upper level hall. As soon as I notice his hair and then his frame, I start up the stairs. I think it's him. Dwight.

As I hurry toward the same hall, I find that he walks fast, but I'm sure it's him.

"Hey!" I call, somewhat excited. "Dwight!"

The man stops and turns halfway to see who's calling him. His eye furrows and his mouth opens

"Pippa?"

I smile at the sight of his face.

He turns all the way around and my smile starts to fade.

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoyed!**

 **Kara315: Unfortunately, Sherry is a wife lol! And I agree, Pippa's in the right about the wives.**

 **CLTex: Of course they'll be in the story. Bonus drama! And yes, Dwight has the scars already.**

 **nmoxracha: The whole Sherry/Dwight situation is gonna be definitely weird considering how all four of them as tied to one another.**

 **ZA101: Because he's Negan lol!**

 **LaurenM:Oh, I'm glad you like my story! Yes, Negan is fun because he's an asshole, but he takes things too far lol.**

 **Happycamper11: They're trying to place nice, but they're both so evenly matched in stubbornness and anger lol.**


	10. Chapter 10

We stare at one another. It feels familiar, like when we first saw each other at the diner years after I came back to Virginia. It seems like the short distance between us is deceptive; it's as if we're both wondering if we're not mistaken.

But that's Dwight alright. I'd know his face anywhere and at any distance...even if half of it is ravaged.

"Pippa." He finally breaks the silence, taken back. "You're….you're alive."

"Y-Yeah." I reply, sounding breathless.

He walks towards me. I half expect him to bring me into a hug, but he doesn't. The scars on the left half of his face are more detailed now.

"Hey." I awkwardly say.

"Hey."

Don't say it. "...Long time, no see." Dammit.

"Yeah," Dwight scoffs, "I'll say…"

I lick my lips and clear my throat. "Um, I saw Sherry."

His eyes change noticeably. "Oh…" He looks down at his hands, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I nod, studying him, "I, uh, I was looking for you in the…" I suddenly can't remember what those things are called. I hike my thumb back. "The quarters."

"Oh, I don't live there," Dwight tells me, "Not anymore."

"Oh...you're a Savior?"

"Yeah." He nods, licking his lips. "Um, when did you...I mean, how did you wind up here?"

"We came yesterday," I answer him, "We're working on getting this place running water."

"We?" He knits brows, confused, before his eyes momentarily scan out past me as if to look for unfamiliar faces.

"Yeah, my people and I," I smooth my hand over my arm, "We, uh, owe you guys a little."

Dwight looks back to me. "You mean you owe Negan?"

"Yeah," I clear my throat, "W- I killed some of your people at a radio station and Negan agreed not to retaliate in exchange for running water and a couple months of labor."

His eyes move across mine. "He did?" He sounds doubtful.

"Yes, he did," I confirm, "We shook on it."

"You and Negan?"

I nod. "I'm in charge back home."

Dwight's eyes still observe mine, as well as the rest of my face, trying to gather sense. He finally nods, breathing out as he reaches into his back pocket. "Sounds like a good deal."

"You think so?" I ask him earnestly. "That it's a good deal?"

"Better than the usual offer." He says, pulling a cigarette out from a crumbled pack.

I glance back at the quarters.

"It's good to see you."

I look back at him. He's got a cigarette between his lips.

"I'm glad you're alive, I mean."

I smile mildly. "Yeah, me, too." I arch my brow. "You really gonna smoke that thing?"

"Well, I was-" He takes the cigarette out of his mouth. "No."

My smile extends. "I'm just joking; do whatever you want."

He snickers into a smile, looking down like he does. He's still handsome. "Funny."

I chuckle. "Where you headed?"

He shrugs. "Back to my place." He looks at me. "My, uh...my girlfriend's making dinner."

"Oh…" My mouth forms the vowel as I nod my head. Is it strange that I feel disheartened? "You have girlfriend."

"Yeah…" He glances me over. "You wanna come?"

"No, that's okay," I scratch my elbow, "I should get back. Negan's got the boys and I-"

"The boys?" Dwight questions with furrowed brows. "What boys?" His brows unfurl. "You mean-"

"My kids," I tell him, "Jolyon and my youngest son, Abel."

He nods at me. "That's right, you were pregnant last time I saw you."

"Yeah," I smile lightly, "I had the baby right before we left Camden."

"Wow." He says, seeming almost truly blown away. When his eyes meet mine again, they seem solemn and concerned. "Negan has your kids?"

"Um, well, yeah," I clear my throat again, looking around us, "Our kids, yeah."

He stares, confused.

I bite my lip, peering down in embarrassment. "Um, do you remember when we were...seeing each other and I told you that I was also seeing this guy from work?"

Dwight continues to look at me. His brows raises suddenly. "What, Negan? Negan was that guy?"

"Sh!" I lean towards him. "Yes, he was that guy."

Dwight scoffs, really blown away. "I...Wow." He licks his lips, appearing a little bitter. "Small fucking world."

I feel terrible. "Yeah…"

He looks at me as I say that. "Well, congratulations."

"On what?"

"I don't know," He shrugs, putting the cigarette in his mouth, "Reuniting your son and his...father." That word sounds so awful.

"I should go."

He nods, glancing me over. He sighs. "I...I didn't mean to sound like an asshole, Pip. It just took me by surprise is all."

"It's okay."

"No, I mean it," He says, "It's...good that you found each other."

I roll my eyes, looking up at him. "We're not together, D."

"No?"

"No," I huff below my breath, "Polygamy isn't really my thing."

"Oh," He nods, "Right…"

"I really should go," I breathe, looking into his eyes, "See ya around, I guess."

"Yeah."

"...Is there anything I should know?"

"What?"

"About Negan?" I ask, anxious. "The deal I have with him is a good one, isn't it? This isn't a mistake?"

Dwight stares down at me. His eyes trail my face as he opens his mouth. I feel like I can't breathe, anticipating it. He looks off, as if unsure of what to say. When his eyes return to mine, they appear softer, kinder.

"It's a good deal."

I let loose my breath. "You mean that?"

He looks me over, before offering a half smile. "Yeah."

I nod, relieved. "Okay."

"I'll see ya around, Pip."

"Yeah."

He seems like he might move towards me, but doesn't. He instead walks off in the direction he was going before I stopped him.

…

The light is on in our room. I know that, because I can see it poking out from under the door. I told Negan vehemently that I wanted to have dinner here instead of where we had dinner last night. It'll be less awkward. I mean, it'll still be awkward, because his wives are right up stairs, but knowing that they aren't sitting in the room right next to the one we're eating in while waiting their turn to eat is comforting to know.

I learn immediately upon entering that while the lights were left on, the three of them are not in. I roll my eyes, flicking the switch off, and trudging upstairs. When I enter the top floor, I hear Negan's loud mouth as well as my kids' voices, but they oddly seem far away.

The door to his bedroom is open, but they aren't inside. I peek into the living room, questioning where they are.

"Up there," One of the ladies points to the ceiling, "Very last door on the right."

I look down the hall and notice a door propped open with a dustpan. Light shines into that portion of the hall. I go down the hall in bewilderment.

I see the sky at the top of yet another set of stairs. I climb up and when I reach the top, I discover I'm outside.

The rooftop is fairly big and the ground of it is covered in gravel. A big industrial fan thrums behind me as three metal chimneys stand off to the side, breathless.

"Nice catch."

I spot Abel standing a few feet next to

Negan, who's back is to me.

"Thanks, kid." Negan gleams, before he gets ready to pitch.

"Yeah, real nice."

He halts in motion and looks over his shoulder. He smiles. "Like what you see?"

"I'd like it a lot better, if it didn't bring my children up to a goddamn roof."

"Oh, cool your jets, Pip, it's a big roof," He puts his arm out, "And we're nowhere near the edges."

"Oh, gee, thank you for making me see the rationality of playing on a twenty story roof with kids."

"This building is only ten stories."

I raise my brow at him. "Boys, we're leaving the roof."

"Aw, why?" Abel asks. "We're being safe. I'm staying by Dad's side and away from where I could fall off."

"Well, that doesn't sound rehearsed." I fold my arms. "Come on, inside."

"Oh, come on, Pip," Negan pleads, strolling up to me, "Just give us a few minutes. Twenty." He towers me as he gets close. "We were just getting warmed up."

I look up at him. "You're on a roof. That's like in the top five of places you shouldn't let your kids play."

"Unsupervised."

"Oh, right, because supervised roof activities are a whole other matter."

"Right."

I roll my eyes. "It's getting late. And colder. The kids need to wash up for dinner."

"Twenty minutes."

"No."

"You know, I'm in charge around here," Negan teases, "So, technically, I can do whatever I want and you have no power to say otherwise."

"Really?" I cock my brow, challenging him. "Boys!"

Both kids bring it in. I smile a little at him, before turning and going back inside with the kids following behind me.

"What are we having for dinner?" Abel asks me. "I'm starving."

"It'll be here soon, I'm sure." That sounds weird when I hear it from my own mouth. I stop him as he's about to turn towards the dining room. "Not so fast, we're going to eat at our table."

"Why?"

"Because that's what it's there for," I smirk down at him, "And because I said so."

"Dad said he was the boss here."

"Yeah, well, we don't live here," I glance behind us, "And I'm your mother, so I'm the sheriff over your butt no matter where you are."

Abel chuckles. "So, we don't have to listen to Dad?"

"You have to behave yourself," I smile and I know he can see it, "But if Dad says something that seems off, maybe just go with your gut."

The boys go down before me since I'm holding the door open.

"It's good to know you still like pissing me off."

I look over as he strides up. "It comes natural."

"So I see," Negan grins, eyes traveling down, "Where'd you go?"

"Down to see how things were going," I tell him, "Like I said I was."

"And?"

"No water yet, but it's day one."

"That's no excuse."

"Your guys have had how long and why is this still an issue?"

Negan chuckles. "Alright, fair enough, smart ass."

I smile and he leans down to peck my lips. "Wait."

Negan's eyes meet mine and then he looks over his shoulder as he follows my gaze. The hallway is empty, but he gets the idea. Doesn't mean he doesn't roll his eyes as we walk into the stairwell.

When we're about halfway, he stops me. I roll my eyes dramatically. "What? What do you want, huh?"

I can't help but chuckle the 'huh' as he leans down and kisses me.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I kiss him back. "Stop slipping your hands up my dress?"

"I miss you in a dress," He pecks my lips with a chuckle, "It sure did make it easy."

"You dog."

"You said so yourself," He touches my hips, "My hands knew where to go."

"Yeah, but they always seemed to have trouble figuring out what to do."

"I never heard you complain." His mouth snickers against mine.

"I'm a good actor."

Negan laughs. "Shut your mouth."

"Mom!" Abel's voice echoes. "Dinner!"

"Okay," I break us up, "Coming."

"Were you two just kissing?"

"No." I say, even though he practically walked in on us.

Two people roll a cart away down the hall, having just left our room. Neither of them glance back, I think because Negan's not far behind and I'm grateful. I'd hate to look either of them in the eye after they had to dredge up all those plights of stairs with a cart of food for me and my family.

Going into the room, I see the feast on the table. It looks and smells like some kind of lasagna. Fresh bread and roasted vegetables, too. Jolyon's setting the table, telling Abel where to put the silverware.

"Hey, we don't have enough forks."

"You put two down over there." Jolyon nods to one place at the table.

"Oh...yeah." Abel goes back to that part of the table.

"Smells pretty damn good." Negan pulls out a chair and sits down.

I close the door and go over to the table.

"Sit next to me." Abel says to me.

I smile. "Okay." I pull back my own chair and sit down.

…

The dinner was delicious. I have a little food baby belly by the time I'm done eating. I love lasagna, hell, anything that sits in a pan, casserole style.

I want to do the dishes, but the sink doesn't run, so I try to clean them off as much as possible so those who will have to wash them will have an easier time. I try to make what wasn't eaten leftovers for tomorrow, because I don't know what they do with whatever isn't eaten, but I don't want it going to waste.

Negan sits over with the boys, listening to Abel over explain how to play the old Candyland game they found on the bookcase and smiling.

"So, I move to whatever color square is on the card, until I win?"

"Yeah," Abel itches the inside of his nose, "Um, except if you get a double. Got it?"

Negan snickers. "Yeah, I got it."

"Jol, you playing?" I ask him as I move around the table.

"Nah, that game's for babies." Jolyon replies from Abel's bunk, where he's tossing the baseball up and catching it in his glove.

Abel turns. "Is not!"

"Is, too," Jolyon says, eyeing Abel, "You're playing."

"Shut up!"

"Alright!" I interrupt. "That's enough. It's a game."

"For babies." Jolyon mutters

"Oh, but you were cool with Chutes and Ladders?" I arch my brow at him.

Jolyon buttons up and goes back to what he's doing.

"You gonna play or not?" Abel asks him.

"I said no already, stupid."

"Jol."

"I'm not stupid, you're stupid!" Abel shouts. "And get off my bed!"

Jolyon moves off the bottom bunk. "Whatever. Bottom bunks for babies, anyway."

"No, it's not!"

"Yeah," Jolyon scoffs, climbing up, "You wanted bottom bunk because you're too scared to sleep up top."

"No, I'm not!" Abel's voice rasps a little, which means he's close to crying. "Stupid jerk!"

Jolyon goes to retort. "You-"

"Alright, both of you shut your chili holes," Negan commands with a stern, fatherly tone, "Your mom said to stop."

I feel a smile inward that grows outward. Both boys look at him, surprised, but they quit.

I dry my hands and go over to where Negan and Abel sit around a small coffee table.

"You're gonna play?"

"Yeah," I have a seat on my butt, kissing his temple, "I'll play, babe."

The three of us play a few rounds of Candyland, until Abel gets tired. I tell him to dress for bed and get ready to brush his teeth. I ask Jolyon if he's ready; he's older so he doesn't always have the same bedtime as Abel. He nods and gets ready for bed, too.

Negan sits on the coffee table, watching our process. I smile softly at him as I tell Abel to spit and rinse. He looks at me and smiles back, though unsure of why I'm smiling.

When the kids are in bed, I let out a yawn and stretch my arms. "What am I so tired for?" I look at him, combing my fingers through his hair as I pass the coffee table.

"Beats the fuck outta me," Negan yawns back, "You lounged around all day."

I scoff quietly. "I wasn't lounging; I was sitting, twirling my thumbs in boredom."

"Well, we could've done a lot more to pass the time, but you wanted to sit and do nothing."

I roll my eyes, unbuttoning my pants. "Right, we should have just told your wives to look after the kids, while we shut the door to hide the salami."

"I'm sure a lot of parents find babysitters, so they can picnic."

"Your wives aren't babysitters," I pull my shirt over my head, "And let's be honest; the kids aren't the reason we weren't gonna screw around."

"No, my wives are." The way he says that doesn't sound accusatory, but almost half-ashamed.

I turn as I go to put on a fresh shirt. "Yeah…"

I go to the coffee table and sit beside him, curling one leg under the other. I touch his leg, kissing his cheek.

"I still think it's a turn on when you father my brats."

Negan laughs a little. "That's still one of your kinks, huh?"

"And exactly what other kinks do I have?" I look at him in question.

Negan meets my gaze. "Arguing."

I break into a quiet snicker and he joins me.

"And being a goddamn cock tease."

"I do enjoy that, yes," I chuckle, "And I do like pissing you off."

"You don't have to fuckin' tell me that."

"It's so easy."

"Not as easy as it is to get your panties in a twist."

"Well, if you wouldn't do shit to make me so fucking mad all the time."

We laugh. Without thinking, I put my head on his shoulder, humored. His pats my leg and I'm reminded that I didn't put bottoms on. Of course, his hand rests there on my bare skin, but it doesn't travel.

My smile lowers a little. I smell his cologne, which is faint but intoxicating. Like it always was.

I'm surprised he hasn't tried anything by now. But his hand stays where it's at.

"You know what I liked more than you telling them to stop fighting?"

"What?"

I look up at him. "You telling them it was because I said so."

Negan chuckles throatily.

I'm serious, but I laugh, too. "Don't laugh."

"You would like anything I said that put you in pants."

"And you like saying anything that'll get me out of them."

"I've got a way with words, don't I?" He laughs, shaking my leg a little.

I cackle. "Shh! We'll wake the kids."

"You're the one being-"

"Sh!" I put my finger to his lips.

He takes my hand away and kisses me adoringly on the lips. I look at him, softly taking in his features. Negan doesn't say anything as he does the same, knitting his brows very slightly.

"It's late."

"Yeah." He acknowledges.

"I...I might head home."

I see a look of disappointment in his eyes. "When?"

"...Maybe the day after tomorrow."

"That's...soon, Pip."

"I know, but we-"

"Yeah, I know," Negan sighs, frustrated, "Doesn't make it any easier."

I furrow my brows.

"I know being here hasn't been as good for you as it has been for me," He admits, before grinning, "But dammit, if I don't love having you around."

"It's only been a day and a half," I remind him, "You'll change your mind by tomorrow and be happy I'm gone."

He chuckles with me. "Yeah, but I'd never want you to gone."

I settle my quiet laugh and listen.

"I'd take us arguing back and forth any day of the fuckin' week over not having you to talk to," Negan looks at me and smiles, "You and me may go 'round and 'round, but I love you and I wouldn't have it any other way."

I stare at him, my gaze on his. I smile.

"Plus, I'd be lying if I said learning about how you took charge of that place didn't make me want you ten times more."

At that, my smile shies away. "What?"

"I know how you were when I first met you, but I always knew you were strong," Negan says, looking me over, "A fighter."

"A taker."

"A leader."

I get pierced by his gaze and his words. My chest heaves silently, but heavily.

Negan tips my chin up, before leaning over and planting his mouth on mine. I touch his face as I let the kiss deepen. I break away, touching our foreheads as I gasps quietly. I shut my eyes as lust aches between my legs. He moves and kisses my neck and jawline.

"Wait," I rasp, "We can't."

"We'll go upstairs." He says between kisses.

"No." I shake my head and he looks at me.

Negan lets out an exhale, but nods. "Alright."

He starts to get up from the coffee table to leave the room like he thinks I'm suggesting.

I take his wrist and he looks. "Stay the night."

He peers down at me, confused. "You said we can't have sex."

"Think with your brain, not your dick. I meant sleepover."

"Oh," He eyes me, "You're not gonna make me leave for getting too much on your side, are you?"

"Only if you pitch a tent."

"Hey, my dick has a will of its own," He grins, "I can't help what it does, if I'm not even thinking about it."

I raise my brow. "Mhm."

"I'll try my hardest not to get hard, but I can't make any promises."

I stand up. "Maybe you better sleep on the floor."

"Hilarious." He says, humored.

I smile smartly before walking over to the bed. I feel my heart thump in my chest a little. What am I doing? I'm breaking a rule I set for myself before I got here. I told myself I wouldn't sleep with him and that was before I knew about the wives.

"I'll be right back." He says behind me.

"No, don't go," I reply as I fold the blankets back, "Just sleep in what you have on."

"I'm not sleeping in a goddamn-"

"Then strip down," I tell him, "Don't leave."

He sighs under his breath. I hear his belt jingle. "If you say so."

He makes it seem like I'm being silly for no reason, but he isn't aware that if he leaves now, I might not let him back in. I'm afraid that'll be the case.

Technically, we're not having sex; we really are just sleeping together, but I'm still breaking the vow I said in my head. I don't want to come off as eager, or easy...or weak. Like some woman who acts like she's the reason the sun rises everyday in Halcyon, until a man in a leather jacket with dimples comes along for me to wrap around.

Okay, I don't think I'm the reason the sun shines in Halcyon, but I have to maintain a certain look in order stop people from doubting who I am. This whole deal has people side-eyeing me as it is.

The lights turn off. "You wearing just that?"

I suddenly feel the air touch my bare legs as he moves to place his clothes on the end of the bed. I'm in a t-shirt, no bra, and my underwear.

"Yeah."

Goddamn you. I got too comfortable, I forgot to be rational and put some fucking pants on before I sat down. It would have taken less than three seconds. It's out of habit, I guess; an old habit that I formed while being with him. It's like that level of comfort that allows you not care if you're in your skivvies, or butt ass naked in a hotel room with the door open as you argue about the volume of the radio with the manager your dude has to convince not to call the police because you're uncooperative. Well, okay, I was drunk and high when that happened and Negan wasn't my dude, but you know.

"You smell good."

"I smell like sweat." I look at him as he comes to the bed. "We haven't bathed since we got here. Only washed up in the sink with some of the water in the fridge I warmed up."

"Well, if your guys will work harder, we can all shower," He quips with a smile, "And you smell nice for someone who washed their pits in a sink."

My lips curl into a humored smile. "Lay the hell down."

"Yes, ma'am." He gives me a quick kiss on the lips, before sliding into the bed. He groans and grunts as he settles in.

"Your limbs gonna creak,too, old man?"

"Shut the hell up," He chuckles, "Like you're a spring chicken."

"I'm thirty-six, that's younger than you."

"Yeah, but-"

"But what?" I cock an eyebrow before I get in.

"Nothing," He smiles at me, "You're beautiful."

"Yeah." I climb into bed.

"What you gonna tell the kids in the morning?" Negan asks, turning his head. "Thought you didn't want this kind of thing, because it'll get hopes up, or give the wrong idea, or whatever."

I look his way as I settle down. I breathe through my nose. "I don't know." I glance up at the ceiling. "Maybe you should go."

"Want me to?"

I think for a second before I shake my head. "No."

Negan puts one arm under his head, still looking at me. "You are beautiful."

"You're alright."

He snickers. "Asshole."

I smile, moving my head back to see him. "What will your wives think about you not coming home?"

"They'll think I'm with you."

I look down. Where else would he be? "Yeah."

"They aren't thinking about it too much, though, so quit worrying."

I pick up my gaze and meet his eyes. I want to move and lay against him, but I can't. I roll to my side, that's close enough.

"When you're with them," I start.

"Don't start."

"You don't know what I was gonna ask."

"Don't ask me shit about my wives," Negan groans in a hushed voice, "It'll only piss you off and you know it."

I stare for a minute. He said not to, so I should drop it. "I just wanted to know what it's like."

"You know what it's like," He answers with an eye roll, "Hell, you have a kid with me."

"Lord," Now, I roll my eyes, "I'm not asking if the sex is good….well, actually maybe I am."

"Well, don't," He grins at the ceiling, "Because you know it's good."

"Is it like how we were together?" I ask him. "I mean, I know it's different with everyone, but is it...is there a thing when you're with them?"

"My thing."

"Don't call your dick a thing, it's not cute," I murmur as he chuckles, "And I meant, is there a spark, or something special when you're with them?" I raise my brows. "Do you like being with any of them in particular?"

"Pippa." He sighs my name.

"Do you laugh with them like you did with me, or-"

"Stop." He demands more fervently, looking at me to prove it.

I stare.

Negan runs his hand over his face, exhaling. "Why do you want to know this shit, huh?"

I shrug. "I just do."

"Yeah, you and her both." Negan grumbles.

"Who? Lucille?"

"Who else?" He cocks his brow at me, angry. He turns his head forward. "She always wanted to know what it was like for me when I was with other women."

I close my lips.

"I don't fuckin' get it," He shakes his head, truly stumped, "Why the fuck would you wanna know a thing like that?"

I bite my lip. "Because you wanna know what makes the person you love wanna be with other people."

Negan looks at me.

"You wanna know why you aren't good enough."

His eyes lower and he swallows. "She was good enough. Always was." He looks up. "So are you."

"But you won't leave them for me," I retort, "Or stop having sex with them."

"I told you, I can't get rid of them," Negan answers defensively, "Not right away anyway."

My brows knit a little. "But you would leave them? Down the road?"

It's dark, but I see Negan's eyes move across my face. "Down the road."

"You mean that?"

He breathes. "I need time. Room between our getting into business with another and me cutting the girls loose."

I nod. "So, you won't seem like you're dropping to your knees for some strange woman."

"Exactly," Negan says, "I can't look weak in front of my people. You of all people should get that."

I do. I get it. I nod my head. It hurts to hear, but I get it. "Yeah."

Negan reaches over and brushes my cheek as if a tear had fallen there. "I love you, Pippa. And no, it's nothing like how it is when I'm with you. Not even close."

I find his eyes. "Then promise me something."

"What?"

"Promise me you won't have sex with them anymore."

Negan's hand falls from my face.

"You keep them around until the air's cleared, but don't sleep them anymore," I swallow down the lump, "Prove to me that you mean everything you're saying to me and stop sleeping with them."

He stares back at me for a moment and for that moment I feel awful. He's gonna tell me no.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Negan nods. "No sex."

"And you won't marry anymore."

He's got that look like he's not happy to be compromising. "Alright, I won't marry anymore."

"Promise me."

"I promise, Pippa." He says to me.

I nod my head. "Thank you."

"But you have to promise the same thing."

I scoff. "I don't have a harem at home."

"No, but promise me you won't sleep with anyone else."

I look at him and see he's serious. It's only fair. "Okay."

He looks me over and a smile slowly tips up. I inch a little closer and when he moves his arm from under his head and stretches it out, I lay my head on his forearm and he brings me in.

His arms are around me. He inhales and exhales. "I love you."

I open my eyes as we unfurl and look at him. "I love you, too." I mouth.

…

"Mom." My body gets a light but fervent shake at the shoulder. "Mom."

"Hm, what?" I mumble.

"I have to go pee."

I rub my eye. "Okay."

"...Will you take me?

"Will I-?" I'm reminded that we aren't at home and he can't just get up and go by himself. "Alright, give me a second."

I move out of bed and when my feet touch the floor, I take a minute to get more awake.

"Did Dad spend the night?" Abel whispers.

I check behind me and Negan's sleeping still on his back. Why do kids innocently ask questions they know the answer to?

"Um, yeah, he did."

"Okay," Abel says, "Can we hurry? I really have to pee."

"Alright." I stand up.

"You don't have pants on."

"Thank you." I walk over to the dresser and pick up the pants I was wearing yesterday that have pooled on the floor. I'm not as neat like Negan, sue me.

"Are you gonna put on a bra?"

"Hey, mind your business," I yawn, buttoning my pants up, "We're only walking to the bathroom."

"The one upstairs?"

I almost say yes, but I catch myself. "No, the one down the hall."

"But the one upstairs is closer."

"I know, but we don't want to wake anybody."

"We'll be quiet."

"No." I shove on my boots.

"Pleease!"

"Abel Joseph Smith," I give 'the look' that every mom has, "It's too early for whining."

"I'm not whining." He folds his arms and pouts his lips.

Negan moves in bed behind us. "Pip?"

I want to drop dead from embarrassment. "I'm taking Abel to the bathroom."

I don't wait for him to murmur out some half-asleep reply. I take Abel's hand and we quietly go out to the hall, Abel practically tip-toeing.

It's weird having a man in bed with my kids, one, at least, aware let alone in the same room. Sure, it's that kid's father and I did it years ago, but after he left, I never did this again. Well, I mean, I had sex with Martin, but the kids don't know about that and it wasn't in the house.

That's part of why it pisses me off so much that Negan lassoed a bunch of women for himself. I, even thinking he was dead, refused to get close to anyone for years. Martin was unintentional and it took me by surprise and I felt...I _feel_ guilty that I have feelings for him and for what we did.

As the whole wives thing reels and reels in my head, part of me knows its typical Negan to be surrounded by women. He was an asshole before, I know that; I was one of the women he was seeing behind his wife's back. But that doesn't mean I can't feel hurt.

I loved Negan. I...I still love Negan. Its a blow to the heart to know he's been with those women. With Sherry; someone I've known since childhood. I'd say I know what it must have felt like to be Lucille, but I think that'd be bold, considering I was the other woman and still am apparently.

"Mom, don't close the door all the way."

"Okay, I won't." I tell him as I open the door to the bathroom. It's a single, instead of the stalls we've seen on lower floors.

"Oh," Abel says, peering inside, "It's okay, you can close the door."

I snicker sleepily. "Okay."

He goes in and I lightly let the door come to close. I yawn, moving my eyes to the window. It's that time where the sky is on the verge of becoming a purplish blue that will change and somehow turn orange and yellow until the sky is either gray or blue again, depending on the weather.

"What did you say to her?"

I turn away from the window towards the hall at faint, echoing voices.

"I...told her I was glad she was alive."

I walk towards the stairwell that's door is closed.

"Are you? Glad she's alive?"

"You aren't?"

I recognize the voices, even as quiet as they are. The echoes provided enough information.

"Oh, come on, Sher," Dwight says, "You really would be more happy that she's dead, because-"

"You and her were having an affair?" She cuts him off. "Sleeping together behind my back?"

"I thought we moved passed that?" His voice sounds irritated. "You said it was behind us. That you...forgave me."

"Yeah, well...that doesn't mean I forgave her. I had to forgive you, but I don't have to forgive her."

"That's a little unfair, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but I don't care," Sherry rudely replies, "You were my husband. She was just some homewrecker."

I scoff below my breath,even if it's true.

"Whatever." Dwight says, which oddly upsets me. I know I maybe don't deserve it and it's not wholly important, but he could have defended me. "Her kid is-"

"Negan's son, I know," Sherry's quiet for a moment, "I asked her about it. She said she knew him before."

"Yeah…"

"I told her not to say she knew us."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" She snaps. "You and her had a thing. He'd kill you, if he found out. Or wait for an excuse to."

"I-"

"You know the rules."

I knit my brows.

"Yeah, but that only applies to the wives and if we do something," He argues, "They're not together."

"He didn't come back last night after he followed them down for dinner."

Dwight doesn't respond.

"What? Does that upset you?"

"No, why would it?"

Sherry lets out a hollow laugh. "You were sweethearts."

"That was ages ago."

"Yeah...that's what I thought."

Dwight scoffs, "That was the past. I don't feel that way for her anymore….especially now that I know about Negan."

Wow. That stings.

"It's just better that he doesn't know."

"Fine."

"You think he'll go back on his word?"

The toilet flushes behind me and I look that way. It creates a strange sound.

"Shit, someone's in the hall." Sherry curses.

I quickly move back to the bathroom door, leaning my shoulder against the door frame, facing opposite way. The door opens.

"Mom, the water didn't come back up after I flushed."

"I know, someone will have to fill it later."

"I have to wash my hands."

"Okay, let's go."

The door to the stairwell opens and I glance behind us. Fuck, she's seen us.

"Oh, Pippa," Sherry says with a cool, but clearly worried look on her face, "Hey."

"Hey."

"Hi." Abel greets her.

She smiles at him. "Hi."

"He had to go to the bathroom," I tell her, putting a hand on his back, "Come on, baby, let's go back to bed."

"But it's morning."

"Yeah, but it's real early, so we're gonna sleep for a little while longer."

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Y-yeah." Please don't mention him.

"I was going to smoke."

I pause and look over my shoulder. "What?"

Sherry fiddles with her fingers. I see now she's in a nightgown with a robe that reaches her knees. "There's no smoking upstairs. I was just smoking in the stairwell."

I nod, as if I don't know why she's telling me that. "Oh, okay."

Abel and I continue down the hall. When we reach the room, I check to see if she's there before entering. She probably knows he's inside and is taking her sweet time on passing the door.

We go inside and I eye the room. Jolyon's lightly snoring on the top bunk. Negan's breathing on the bed with his eyes closed.

"Is there gonna be room for me?" Abel asks as he walks to the bed.

"Maybe you should go back to bed in your bed."

"But I won't get back to sleep."

"Uh…"I exhale, "Okay, just be careful not wake your dad."

"Okay."

I climb into bed before him and let him slide in. I put my arms around him. "You gonna go back to sleep?"

"Yeah."

I kiss his head. "Good."

Negan shifts behind me. "Where'd you go?"

"I told you, to take Abel to the bathroom."

"I didn't hear you," He murmurs gruffly, "What time is it?"

"Five-fifteen."

Negan inhales and moves again. I feel his breathe on my neck. "I gotta get up soon."

"We're sleeping until seven," I move the hand that I feel grazing my leg, "Quit it; Abel's in the bed."

"Quit what?" Abel turning his head towards me.

"Nothing." We both answer in unison. I stifle a smile.

I remain quiet, listening to the three of them breathe, thinking about the conversation I overheard. Negan wouldn't go back on his word. Right?

* * *

 **Okay, I swear I think I write more than I actually do every week lol**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Yeah, I didn't want Pippa to be this noble leader that got where she was on an easy path. I don't think it would've been had the TWD spirit She's not all innocent and honest, or at least her methods aren't, which will unveil more as the story goes on. Lol, I forsee Pippa being a woman of her word on the whole Sherry front ;)**

 **Kara315: I think they think they've reached some sort of compromise about his wives. Doesn't mean she's gonna give it right up to him, but it may be a start towards rekindling their romance, if he stays faithful. No, I think Pippa has left that part of her behind. Before, she was okay with it, but now she knows what she's worth and isn't gonna sell out cheap. The whole Dwight drama is tame as of now, there's still this shock of seeing each other, but of course Negan's gonna find out :)**


	11. Chapter 11

"Pippa. Pippa?"

I inhale as I start to hear his voice.

He nudges me. "Pippa Marie Barnes."

"That's not my middle name." I murmur, holding Abel to me.

"Well, it should be because it's got a hell of a ring to it, don't it?"

"Why are you waking me up? I told you I'm not up until seven."

"I've gotta take a piss."

"Get your hand off my thigh," I reply with a rasp in my voice, shoving his hand off me, "I didn't mean move it somewhere else."

He chuckles, "Let me out."

"It'll wake Abel."

"Yeah, well, it's six-fifteen, we've all slept in long enough." He pats my leg, "Come on, scooch."

I sigh, gently getting out of bed, while scooping Abel up with me.

"Mommy?"

"Shh." I lay him back down in the bed after Negan moves out.

"How 'bout you cook us up some eggs and bacon while I'm gone?"

"How about you leave and stay gone?"

"I was kidding," He kisses my lips, before picking up his pants off the bed frame, "Workers should be up around seven.

"You know, I could actually make eggs and bacon," I counter, leaning against the frame, "We could have a nice morning as a family and I promise I won't spit in your eggs."

Negan laughs under his breath. "It's their job, Pippa."

"Yeah, but it makes me uncomfortable."

"Yeah, well, they earn points for every meal they bring up here," Negan explains to me, "So, I can order them not to come up, but that'll mean they won't get paid, but if you feel uncomfortable, I-"

"Okay, okay, they can come up," I exhale, "What's on the menu?"

"Well, it's Tuesday, so probably some type of omelet with potatoes and toast."

"They make omelets?"

"It's not rocket science."

"I didn't fucking say it was, jackass." I slide my hands under his arms as he comes up to me, "I just think it's a tad fancy."

"You think omelets are fancy?" He brings me in with a humored smile, "What kind of backwoods, off the grid hillbilly holler did you come from?"

"Shut the fuck up." I cackle, letting him kiss me.

"Move your knee," He says between kisses, "It's grazing my leg just right."

I look his face over, moving my knee. "Like that?"

"Careful," He touches the small of my back, "If you load the pistol, it's gonna wanna be fired off."

"Gross."

"Well, then stop getting too close to the armory with your knee."

I start to laugh, until I hear a creak across the room. We look over and Jolyon's starting to wake up. I put my hand on Negan's chest and he gets the hint.

"Go to the bathroom."

"Yeah," Negan clears his throat and goes to the door, "I'll be back."

I nod, turning to look at Abel sprawled out on the bed. The door opens and closes softly. Get it together.

"Mom?"

"Hey," I smile, "You sleep okay?"

Jolyon nods his head, rubbing his eyes. "My throat's dry."

"You probably just need some water." I go to the fridge and pour him some.

"Did I hear Negan?" He asks.

"Uh, yeah, he..." I grab my pants, "Stayed over last night."

"Oh."

"He just slept over, that's all," I button my jeans, "Nothing more."

"You mean sex?"

"Jolyon."

"What?" He shrugs. "That's what you meant, isn't it?"

"Yes, but I was trying to avoid saying it."

"Why?" He asks me. "I'm not Abel, I know what sex is."

"Because it's part of my private life and therefore my business only."

Jolyon looks off, drinking some of his water. "You brought it up."

Shit, I guess I technically did. Abel stirs in the bed, until he opens his eyes and sits up.

"Good morning."

"Morning," Abel yawns, "What's for breakfast?"

"Omelets, I think," I answer, going back to the fridge, "Your dad is having the workers bring it up."

"Can't we make our own food?" Jolyon inquires. "We do it all the time at home."

"Well, because that's not how they do things here."

"When are we going home?"

I look over to the bunk beds. "You wanna go home?"

Jolyon shrugs. "Kind of."

"You don't like it here?"

He turns his head, meeting my eyes. But, before he can answer, the door opens.

"Man, that felt good," Negan rudely enters, "Second best feeling in the world."

"Charming." I fold my arms.

"Thanks," He chuckles, "Oh, good, the family's all up and at 'em."

"We're up, but we're not at 'em," I retort, "We're not at 'em until seven."

"Well, you know what they say about the early bird."

"It gets the worm?"

Negan points towards Abel. "That is absolutely right. The early bird gets the worm."

"Yeah, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"What?"

"That's a saying, too," I say, "A better one if you ask me."

"No one asked you."

"Dad, did you spend the night?" Abel asks Negan.

"I did."

"Okay, I thought I was dreaming."

I check the clock on the wall. "Alright, time to get up. Breakfast will be here soon."

"What are omelets?"

"They're like quesadillas made out of egg." Jolyon tells him.

"Oh, I like quesadillas."

I glance back to Jolyon. "Up, punk."

"I'm up," Jolyon swings his legs to the ladder, "See?"

There's a nervous knock on the door. Negan opens it and, to my surprise, it's not the breakfast workers. It's a woman in a blue silk robe.

"What?" Negan ask with an edge in his voice.

"Um…" She briefly glances in, "I...was-"

"Spit it out."

"You didn't answer my question." She sheepishly

replies, tucking her hair as she looks down.

"Oh," Negan nods, "Sure, darlin'. Go ahead; but hey!"

The woman looks at him as he tilts her chin up. "She's the only person you go visit. Understand?"

"Yes, Negan." The way she sounds saying that makes her seem more like a girl than a woman.

She goes and he shuts the door. He turns back, rubbing his palms together.

"Shit, it's colder than hell froze over in here."

"I'll turn on the space heater."

"Please do."

"What are we doing today?" Abel asks, leaning his chin on the end of the bed.

"Well, you two are going to spend the morning working on homework."

"Aw, but I did all my homework!" Abel complains.

"Yeah, well, I can write up new homework in two seconds," I drink some water from a glass, "Besides, Jolyon's book report is due soon."

"I finished that the other day." Jolyon informs me.

"Did you proof read it and edit it?"

"...No."

"Well, then you can spend some time doing that," I retort, "Think I didn't catch that you didn't do it last time?"

"Can't we do it later?" Abel pleads.

"I want it done before lunch."

"Aw, not cool!"

"Yeah, yeah."

The workers come in with breakfast, which I thought would put an end to this conversation. I try to look busy, so I don't have to stand there with a dumb smile on my face while they fix the table with food.

"I don't wanna do my homework." Abel says, sitting at the table after the workers leave.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but you have to."

"Come on, Pip, let 'em work on it later," Negan finally chimes in, "It's just crap you make up."

I give him a look. "Yeah, and it's important that they learn that crap, because it's important they get a good education."

"I mean, sure, but come on; they did all the shit you made 'em bring. Give 'em a break."

"Homework before lunch."

He sighs. "Fine. But I don't know why it matters when they do it," Negan salts his potatoes, "If they wanna do it later, let 'em do it later. It'll get done."

"Because I said so." I pause from sitting, "Step outside for a minute?"

"Uh-oh," Negan scoots out his chair, "If I say I'm sorry, do I still have to fight you?"

"Out."

"Mom's gonna win," Abel quietly warns him, "She always does."

Negan chuckles, cocky. "Just so you know, I'm going easy on you, because I don't believe in hitting women."

I roll my eyes, shoving him out. "Shut the hell up."

"Language, Mother."

"Shut your mouth," I arch my brow, "And don't undermine me in front of my kids."

"This is why we're out here, letting our breakfast get cold?" He rolls his eyes with a grin. "I wasn't undermining you."

"Yes, you were," I put my hand on my hip, "You were making me look like the bad guy."

"Was not."

"Were, too."

"Okay, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm going back in to eat."

I take his arm, stopping him. "I know you want them to like you, but labeling yourself as the cool dad and me as the mean mom, isn't the way."

"I don't know what-"

"Yes, you do."

Negan sighs, turning back to me. "I just thought they had a good point is all."

"Oaky, well, you can tell me that on the side next time and not in front of them."

"Boy, do you have power issues or what?"

"Negan," I give his arm a punch, "I mean it; we can't do that to each other. Even on shit like this."

Negan rubs his arm, exhaling. "Fine. You're right."

"Parenting isn't always fun and your kids aren't always gonna like what you say."

"Yeah, yeah." He opens the door to go back in.

I roll my eyes. It's like I have three kids.

"When do we have to do our homework?" Abel inquires while chewing.

I look at Negan, who's looking at me.

Negan glances to the boys. "After breakfast, like your mom said. She right; a good education is important."

Abel and Jolyon continue to eat their breakfast, Jolyon never really arguing in the first place. I smile, a little sweet on his additive towards the end. What can I say? I like him backing me up, even if it was just coerced.

"After homework, can we go outside?"

"Have you lost your marbles?" I cut into my omelet. "I am not letting you up on that roof again."

"I meant downstairs."

Negan looks over, also curious of my response.

"We'll see," I poke a forkful into my mouth, "It'll depend on if your dad has someplace to take you."

Negan looks down, trying to think. "The east wing has a spot."

"Good," I say cooly, "You guys can get some refresh air, while I touch base with everyone."

"Can I come with you?"

"I'd prefer you didn't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's dangerous down there," I tell Jolyon, "I want you to stay with your brother and Negan."

"Well, actually," Negan wipes his mouth on a napkin, "I've got my own base touching to do today."

"When?"

"At some point," He looks over, "I can take 'em with me, but if you don't want them running around the factory, I'll have the girls watch 'em, until I'm done."

"Your wives, you mean?"

"Yeah, they got nothing better to do," He shrugs, "Oh, one's going to see her mom at the library today. The boys can tag along."

"No, not if she's going to see her mom."

"It's no big deal," Negan insists, "They can peruse the books, while she talks to her."

"Tch, Negan," I exhale, "No."

"Fine, then one of the others can."

"No."

Negan abruptly puts his fork down, causing a clink. "Jesus Christ, Pippa, then who's gonna watch 'em?" He stares with a look in his eyes.

"Not your wives." I retort, giving the look right back to him.

"They're not witches, Pip; they aren't gonna cook the boys into a stew while we're gone."

"Our kids are not their responsibility."

"Yeah, well, you and me are both doing shit and they're the only ones with all the time in the world on their hands."

"That doesn't mean they want to babysit."

"I could do it."

We both look at Jolyon.

"I don't need a babysitter," He says, "And I can watch Abel here while you're gone."

"No, I don't think so."

"Why not?" Jolyon knits his brows. "We're just gonna be doing homework. And those ladies are right upstairs, if we need them. I watch Abel all the time when you're gone."

"No, Lydia or Meredith watch the both of you."

"You always tell me to look after him, though, and I do."

"The answer is no, Jolyon."

"What about that time before we found Halcyon?"

I look up from my plate. I notice Negan, who's already ocularly engaged, take a new curiosity in Jolyon's words.

"When we got separated from everyone else?" Jolyon continues. "Abel was only two and you told me to watch him, while you went to look for food and I-"

"Okay!" I put an end to the recollection. "Okay."

Jolyon doesn't go on and both he and Negan look at me as I continue to eat.

…

The lower levels of the factory, where the basements, boiler room, and incinerator are, are hotter than hell in July. By time I reach where my team that are working down here are, I'm drenched in sweat and from the looks of it, so are they.

"How's it going?"

"Their pipes are in good shape," Martin reports, wiping his brow, "But the problem is, is that this factory used to get water from the city water plant."

"Which is?"

"About four miles down the road," He says, "And obviously non-operational."

"Can they get it up and running?"

"Shit, probably not."

"So, then running water is not a possibility?"

"I didn't say that."

I knit my brows. "How?"

"They've got a water tower a hundred yards from their factory," Martin informs me, "Might be able to do something with that."

"Might?"

"Might," He looks me over, "What? You doubting me?"

I smirk. "No, I'm not doubting you."

"Good, because, if you were, I might take offense," He jokes, "Defect and start over here."

"And leave me?" I tease.

"Oh, think you're worth sticking around for?" Martin cocks a brow. "Pretty full of yourself."

"Well, I happen to know for a fact that I am quite worth sticking around for."

"Show me your data, I want to know where you're getting your facts from."

We both laugh with one another. My eyes blinks to the others in the boiler room. Some of them casually glance over, some are watching more directly as they work, while others aren't paying attention.

I exhale. "I should check on the others."

"Sure." Martin nods.

"Keep up the good work."

"Will do," He says, "How're the boys?"

"They're good."

"Haven't seen 'em since we got here."

"I know, Negan's been trying to spend as much time with them as possible before we leave."

"Which is when?"

"Tomorrow, I think," I scratch my nose, "You think I should stay longer?"

Martin shrugs his shoulders. "We'll be fine here, I'm sure."

I nod. "Okay."

"You wanna stay?"

"I have to get back."

"Well, then head back."

I nod my head again. "See ya later."

"How are things with you and him?" Martin asks, just as I'm about to leave.

I look at him. "Negan and I?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind me asking."

"Oh, uh…" I look off, "Uh, we agreed to figure things out."

"You mean, get back together?"

"Uh, we agreed to work together because of the kids," I explain, "The rest is...complicated."

"Because of his wives?"

I look over.

"We've been staying with the workers and working with the Saviors," He says, "We know all the tea."

I roll my eyes. "Him and I are not in a relationship and it's not because of the wives."

"Then what is it about?"

"That's personal, Marty."

"Yeah, sorry."

I bite my lip as he goes to go back to work. "Him and I weren't together when the world changed."

Martin looks my way. "What's that?"

I meet his eyes. "Negan and I broke things off months before the change."

His brows start to gather. "Wait, you told Abel-"

"I told Abel what I thought was best for him to hear," I exhale, "He's too young to know the truth."

"Which is?"

"Which is...Negan and I were just people who shouldn't have ever been together, but we were, and we agreed to end it, and then I found out I was pregnant and-"

"You lost his number?"

"No, but I couldn't tell him," I say, "There was a reason we broke up."

"A good enough reason that you didn't tell him you were having his kid?"

"Yes."

Martin nods. "Okay."

"I gotta go."

"Yeah."

I leave the boiler room, wiping driblets of sweat off my temples and cheeks. I wish I could tell him that it was because Lucille was sick, but I can't.

As soon as I'm up to the floor level, I have to walk outside for fresh, cool air. I spy Lourdes standing over by the bookkeeper, nodding as he shows her something on a clipboard. When she sees me, I tip my head for her to come walk with me and she excuses herself.

"How's it going?"

"All I can think about is getting him to fuck me in his office."

I nearly stop in my tracks. "Excuse me?"

"Reed," Lourdes says nonchalant, "I've been sort of dropping hints."

"What?" I look back at the bookkeeper, "Why?"

"He's hot," She shrugs, "He's got this rough around the edges thing going on, but he's smart and he doesn't seem like a total douche like some of the other assholes who have hit on me since I've been here."

"Has he hit on you?"

"If he hit on me, I wouldn't be thinking about him and me on the desk."

"Is this about Simon?"

"No, of course not!" She scoffs. "I just like the looks of the bookkeeper, that's all."

"You aren't trying to make him jealous, right?" I look at her. "Because it's been four years and the world has changed and it's Simon. You know, the guy who cheated on you and treated you like crap?"

"I know, I don't want him back, or anything," She assures me, holding open the door, "I'm just being the sexually confident woman who gets all the guys and never settles down. Like always."

"Mhm, well, can I ask that the sexually confident woman who gets all the guys and never settles down not go after the guys here? We don't need our deal going sour because of a couple broken hearts."

"Men shouldn't be so fragile," Lourdes shrugs, "Besides, it's better to break their hearts before they get mine."

"If you'd take the time to meet a nice guy, you might not have to worry about that."

"Thanks, mom, but we both know I don't know how to get the nice ones."

"Connor's nice...sort of."

"Yeah, well, I know him a little better than you," She says, "Enough to know he's not the kind to settle with. At least not for me."

"I know enough." I wince.

"How are our boys?" She asks me. "I haven't seen them in a few days and I'm sort of getting blue about it."

I chuckle. "They're upstairs."

"Negan's watching them?"

"No, Jolyon's watching Abel."

"I thought he was too young to-"

"Yeah, well, I changed my mind."

"Okay…"

Over by the fences, Nanda smokes a cigarette. Her lips are curled into a coy, flirtatious smile as she talks to a young man smoking near her.

"Put it out."

She looks at me, her smile fading. "What?"

"The cigarette," I tell her, "Put it out."

Nanda glances back at the kid, embarrassed.

"Aren't you supposed to be working?"

"I'm taking a break."

"To smoke?" I arch my brow.

"Well…" She goes to reply, before she rolls her eyes, dropping the cigarette with an annoyed sigh, "No."

I watch her grind the cigarette into the gravel, before we meet eyes. I look to the man she's standing by.

"Hi..." I puzzle my brows. He looks oddly familiar. "I don't believe we've met. I'm-"

"Pippa," He politely puts out his hand, "I remember from the other day. Alden."

"Nice to meet you, Alden," I shake hands with him, "What do you do here?"

"A little bit of everything," He answers, "But mostly welding and low grade blacksmith work."

"Impressive."

He smiles and looks towards Nanda. "I should get back to work. Take care."

"Okay," Nanda barely says, "Bye...See ya around."

He waves as he heads off, smoking from the cigarette between his fingers.

"What is your problem?" Nanda turns on me. "We were just talking."

"You know how I feel about smoking."

"You-"

"And you're coming back with us when we go."

"What? Why?"

"Because you came here to work, not to meet guys."

She scoffs. "We were just talking!"

"The men around here are scumbags, Nanda," Lourdes tell hers, "He probably is just looking to score one of the outsiders."

"Alden's not a scumbag, he's really nice," She argues, "He stopped me from falling back off the stairs, when some asshole nudged past me."

"Ah, Dios mio." Lourdes shakes her head, looking off.

"Oh, like you're one to talk?" Nanda arches her brow. "You've all but put your hand down that bookkeeper's pants." She looks at me. "And you?"

My eyes fix on hers, waiting.

Nanda looks me over, huffing. "Alden was just being nice. I don't want to leave."

"And that's exactly why you are."

"I meant, I want to help work off the debt," She follows us, "I was there. Look, I'm sorry. Let me stay. I promise not to smoke or talk to Alden. Please?"

"We'll talk about it later," I tell her, "Just get back to work."

"Are you gonna let her stay?" Lourdes asks after Nanda reluctantly goes back to her post.

"I don't know," I shrug, "Would you?"

"Well, I remember what I was like when I was twenty-two, so...no."

I scoff, chuckling. "You are still that way and Nanda and you aren't the same person. She flirts, but I don't think she's ever been in a relationship."

"Or had sex."

I look at her.

"What? They've been with us since the beginning; when have you ever seen her with a guy?"

"Never…which is sort of why I am apprehensive about leaving her here without you."

I observe people as we pass through. Lourdes is right; I haven't been down here all that much, and I hate to judge books by their covers, but the men around here are rough looking. Everybody looks a little rough nowadays, that's just how it is, but the Saviors have a whole other air going on that practically says "I'm gonna want you to swallow."

"Martin will look out for her."

"Yeah…"

She snickers. "You know, we're not her mothers, or even her teachers anymore; we can't stop her from sleeping with that guy, if she wants to."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Yes, Lourdes."

"Alright," She exhales, somewhat skeptical, "I gotta get back to work."

"Does that have a double meaning?"

She elbows me, laughing. "Bitch."

I laugh with her, until I see a familiar face walking along the upper level catwalk. "I'll tell the boys you love them."

"Por favor."

"Gotta go," I look back to her, "You're coming back with us?"

"Yeah, definitely."

I nod. "See ya."

"Bye."

I walk towards the concrete stairs. Dwight is stopped by a blonde woman with a nose ring; the same woman who Negan had show my people to their quarters.

She smiles in a way that makes her face almost light up. I can't see Dwight's reaction, except that he allows her to kiss his lips when she leans forward. Must be the girlfriend he was talking about.

I intend on walking pass them without notice, hoping the hall is wider than it looks and hoping that they get lost in each other's eyes enough not to notice me.

"Pippa!"

I turn. Fuuuck! Negan strolls up, that bat on his shoulder. The smile on his face swells my insides and I hate it. Especially when it seems like he knows and his eyes brighten with his smile.

"Off the clock?"

"Yeah, you?"

"I am."

I nod. "I was gonna go check on the boys."

"I'll go with you," His eyes blink past me, "D!"

No! I closed my eyes as Negan signals him over.

"I want you to meet Pippa, the leader of our newest allies." Some part of that sounded sarcastic. "And the mother of my children."

I bite my lip, before facing Dwight. I'm harrowed by the way he looks through me, past me. Like I'm a random face he's never seen or cared for in his life.

"Nice to meet you."'

"Likewise." I reply.

"You already met Laura." Negan puts his arm around me.

"Yeah, hey."

"Hey." She greets back, indifferent and unaware it would seem.

"D here's one of my top guys," Negan informs me, "A real underdog success story."

"Is that so?" I say, seemingly unimpressed or uninterested.

Negan looks at Dwight with a grin. "That it is. A real good story."

Dwight peers back at him and seeing this exchange makes me uncomfortable.

"For another day, perhaps," I clear my throat, "I've got to get back to the kids."

"Yeah, I said I'd toss a few with 'em. Catch ya later, Dwight. Laura."

Dwight nods curtly. Our eyes briefly meets as I move past them.

"So, what's the 4-1-1 on the water situation? My guys are saying it's a no."

"Well, Martin said he might try to get water here using the water tower outside the factory."

"Any water left in there is stagnant as shit."

"You can drain a water tower, you know?"'I huff. "And I trust he knows what he's doing."

"Yeah, you seem to have a lot of faith in that guy."

"Is it wrong to have faith in my people?"

"No, but why is he calling all the shots on the water?"

"Because he knows what he's doing; he got us running water."

"Was he an engineer or something?"

"No, but he should have been," I head up the stairs, "The man's like Mozart with that kind of stuff. He's good with his head and his hands."

"Is he?"

I roll my eyes.

"What'd he do before?"

"He was in the army for a few years and then got out and worked as a ranch hand in Wyoming, before he became a park ranger."

"A park ranger?"

"Yeah," I look back, "What?"

"Seems like a step down from an army ranger."

"I never said he was a ranger."

"I saw the tattoo."

I continue up the stairs. "He liked being a park ranger; said it was quiet and he could be alone for days when he wanted to."

"Doesn't seem like the stoic type."

I shrug. "Just because someone wants to be alone doesn't mean they're a stoic. Besides, it's not total isolation he was looking for, just time away from the world when he could."

"You seem to know an awful lot about him."

"Well, yeah, that's what happens when you get to know people," I stop and turn, "Wait, are you fishing for something?"

"What would I be fishing for?" Negan asks.

My eyes scan across his. "For any shred of evidence that I'm sleeping with him."

"Are you?" He inquires. "Or have you?"

"No." I lie, offended that he asked.

"No?" Negan repeats, skeptical.

"No." I climb the next flight.

"You know, I wouldn't be angry," He continues, "We'd be square for-"

"For what?" I demand to know. "You think the knowledge of me sleeping with someone is gonna make us even for you having wives, plural?"

"You mean to tell me you've got cobwebs down there that date four years back?"

"Is that so hard to believe?"

He scoffs.

"I had two kids to worry about," I sharply jab, "Four, if you count the Patels. Excuse me if sex wasn't top priority for me like it was for you; I had responsibilities." I continue up the stairs. "Nice try trying to make yourself feel better."

"Feel better about what?" Negan huffs, following me, "My wives? I don't feel bad about having them around."

"Then why did you wait to tell me, huh? Or why do you want to be 'square?'"

He exhales behind me. "Fucking forget it. Sorry I fuckin' brought it up."

"You should be."

"Yeah." He scoffs.

"Yeah."

"Fuck off."

"If I did, would you want to know about it?" I retort. "So, we can be square?"

"Fuck you."

At that, I scoff. "Not a chance."

"Would you shut the hell up?"

"I will when you do."

"Fine."

"Alright."

"Great."

"Yep."

"Pippa."

"You're the one who's keeping it up."

"No, you are because you're being a goddamn child who's trying to have the last word."

"What the fuck are you doing?"

He goes to retort, but instead laughs below his breath.

"What?"

"You're right," He chuckles, "I was trying to get the last word."

"Yeah, well, some things never change."

"They sure don't."

Negan puts his arm back around me. I almost shove him off, but I'm not as mad anymore.

"I'm sorry for asking."

"You should be."

Negan snickers, planting a kiss in my hair. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

"I'm aware."

"Good," He humors, "So, just to be clear though; you haven't screwed around with that ruggedly handsome cowboy park ranger?"

I look up at him. "No, I haven't."

He nods, looking me over. He doesn't say anything more on that note.

"Hey, back there, when you introduced me to Dwight, you told him I was the mother of your children."

"Yeah?"

"You've said it before," I touch his hand that's on my shoulder, "Do you mean it?"

"Mean what?" He asks. "That you're the mother of my kids? It's true, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but…" I glance over to him, "Jolyon-"

"Jolyon was the first kid I ever thought of as like a son to me," Negan interrupts me, "I know I'm not his actual dad, but it doesn't feel that way to me. Never did."

I hold my gaze on him. Amazed.

"He doesn't have to call me dad or anything, but I consider him my son, hence why I refer to you as the mother of my children and not just child."

He looks over at me and I lower my eyes, nodding. I swear that man knows how to whip me up. Even without trying. I feel like such a slut for getting turned on first, before I felt touched by what seems like a genuine statement, but hey.

"You think they burned the top floor down?"

I chuckle easily. "Shut up."

We open the door to the room and as I go to greet the boys, I'm halted by the empty room.

My eyes scour the room. "Where are they?"

"How the hell should I know, I haven't been up here since this morning."

My chest starts to rise and fall shallowly. "Negan…"

"Relax, they're probably upstairs," He walks towards the last stairwell, "The girls probably have them."

I follow him up.

"Jol! Abel!" Negan calls. "Where ya at?"

The click-clacking of a pair of heels comes towards the hallway. "You're looking for the boys?"

"Yes, where are they?" Negan asks the redhead.

"We heard them arguing downstairs, so Sherry went down." She says.

"Sherry?"

"Yeah, she came back to tell us she was gonna take them to the commissary to pick out snacks."

"How long ago was that?"

Before she can answer, the door opens behind us. I look back and see both boys and Sherry behind them.

"Hi, Mom." Abel greets with what has to be a stale Oreo in his hand.

"Wh-" I look at Sherry. "Where have you been?"

"Sherry took us to the commissary," Abel replies, "They have snacks there. These are good, you should try one."

"Go downstairs," I calmly say, "Now."

"Are we-"

"Right now."

Abel puts the rest of the Oreo in his mouth and turns around. Jolyon does the same, but not before meeting my eyes.

As for Sherry, I know if I say anything this minute, I'll hit her, so I march down the steps, knocking into her on the way. She scoffs but doesn't say anything.

"They were hungry," She tells Negan, "I was just being friendly."

I go into the room and close the door, fuming.

"We're sorry." Abel apologizes. "Sherry said it'd be okay."

I get some water from the fridge and drink it down.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"It's fine."

"No, you're mad," Jolyon says, "Because I was in charge and I let us leave the room."

"It's okay, Jol, really," I tell him, "I was just worried is all. This place isn't exactly kid friendly."

"I wasn't gonna let us, but Sherry said we'd be there and back in ten minutes."

I nod my head. "Jol?"

"What?"

"Don't go places with Sherry alone."

"Why?"

"Because I said so," I look at him, "And don't tell anyone we know her and Dwight."

"W-"

"Because I said so."

Jolyon furrows his brows, but nods. "Okay."

I nod, drinking more water.

"So, you aren't mad at me?"

"I might not let you babysit for awhile, but no."

The door opens. "How pissed are you?"

"I'm not pissed."

"Bullshit."

"Watch your mouth," I warn him at the table, "And I am not pissed."

"You're not, huh?"

"Nope."

"So, I wrapped Sherry's knuckles for nothing?"

"You hit Sherry?" Abel asks.

"He's kidding, dude." Jolyon says.

I look at Negan, whose brows flinch a little, offended by my inquiry.

"Yeah, kid," He blinks back to Abel, "I was just joking."

"Oh, okay."

I hear gurgling and glance over at the boys. "Hungry?"

"A little."

"Eat your snacks," I say, "It'll tie you over until dinner."

…

"You're bluffing."

"Nope."

I arch my brow. "Are, too."

"How much you wanna fuckin' bet?"

"Sh!" I giggle, putting my finger to my lips. "The kids are sleeping. God, I feel like I shouldn't have to tell you this anymore."

Negan chuckles, putting his cards down. "I've got a good hand."

"I've got a better one."

"You're not supposed to tell me that, dipshit," He retorts, "And you don't fucking know that."

"I think I do."

"How much you wanna bet?"

"What do you want?"

"You to take your top off."

"Haha," I put my hand down, "Full house."

Negan grins wide. "Straight flush."

"Fuck you."

"Watch your mouth."

I shove my cards his way. "I'm done playing."

"Oh, come on;" He chuckles, "One more game."

"It's late."

"It's nine-forty."

"I'm a mother of two, that's late."

"So, you're going to bed?"

"Duh."

"Can I stay again?"

"If you want," I shrug, sauntering to the dresser, "Why the hell would I care if you sleep on the rug?"

"Funny."

I cackle quietly. "Yeah, you can stay."

"Are you gonna wear what you were wearing last night?"

I smirk. "I think so."

"You shouldn't wear that many layers to bed."

"It's cold, I've gotta keep warm."

"I'll keep you warm."

"Oh," I turn, playfully traipsing over to him, "You will, will you?"

"Uh-Huh," The gravel in his voice gives makes me smile, "So, you can take it all off, honey."

"You mean my clothes?"

"Yeah."

"All my clothes?" I touch his shoulders as I lean my knee between his legs. "But then I'll be butt ass naked in bed. With you."

"You would." His hands roam.

"And you'll be...clothed?"

"Down to my drawers."

"Seems like a not so fair trade."

"I could get naked."

"I don't know, my kids are here."

" _Our_ kids," Negan pulls me in, "And if we get up at the same, we can dress before they even know."

"And if they wake up to go to the bathroom?"

"..."

"Ha, got you there, didn't I?"

"Come upstairs."

I sigh, moving away. "Play something else; this record's broken."

"Fine," Negan exhales, standing up, "We'll sleep in our skivvies then."

"Yep."

"Don't get smart."

I peel back the covers. "Entrez."

Negan comes to the end and gets in after dressing down. Not before coping a feel of one of my butt cheeks and giving it a squeeze.

"Asshole!" I laugh.

"Sh, the kids." He pulls me towards him as I get in bed.

"You're not funny."

"Of course, I am." He kisses me, "I'm a regular goddamn comedian."

"In your own mind."

"Don't sit on it." He says between a kiss.

I glance down and he follows my gaze.

"Or do, but wait until it's hard first."

I look up at him. I climb off him. "You're disgusting."

"Shit, hey, I'm sorry," He touches the crook of my elbow, "Hey, come on, I was just being an asshole."

"Yeah, you were, that's the problem."

"Pip," He encourages me to lay on my back, instead of my back facing him, "I said I was sorry. Don't be mad; I was just trying to be funny. It was stupid; a naughty thought that slipped through the filter."

"You don't have a filter."

"You're right, I'm an idiot."

I peer up at him. I'm not really all that upset about the crude joke. I'm pissed because I'm really hot and I want him. I don't know why this keeps happening. It's biological or something.

Maybe it's all the talk of sex with Lourdes and Nanda, I don't know. I want him to put it in me. How's that for a naughty thought?

His fingers brush my face. "I'll stop."

"Fine." I reply. Goddamn, he's got me.

"Would you find it agreeable, if I kissed you?"

"I think that would be fine," I put my fingers over his encroaching mouth, "If you're looking to ruin the reputation of a decent belle like myself, that is."

He snickers against my hand, kissing the fingers. He moves my hand and kisses me.

"You brute," I let him kiss me again, "You absolute scoundrel, you."

"I love you."

I touch his face, kissing him back. "Put your hand under my shirt."

Negan slips his hand underneath and reaches for my bare breast. He looks at me as he holds it.

I kiss him and he situates himself to move half-over me. I feel his knee shift between mine and I don't stop him. His penis presses against my thigh.

I tilt my head to the side as he moves down to my neck. My fingers comb through his hair. He smells good. He lifts his head and looks down at me.

"What?"

"We gotta stop." He says in a hushed voice.

"Oh, okay." I bring my arms back to me.

Negan moves off to his side of the small bed. "Maybe one day, when you're up for it, we won't have to."

I lay on my side. "Who says I wasn't up for it now?"

Negan scoffs. "Yeah."

"I might mean it."

"What the hell does that mean?" He looks over.

I shrug. "I was getting sort of...up for it."

"But…?"

"Why do you think there's a but?"'

"Because there is," Negan says, "Otherwise, you would've grabbed it."

I snicker. "Maybe I was waiting for you to take it out."

"See, now I know you're lying, because you're a grabber not a waiter."

I snort, touching his arm. "That's not true."

"You've touched it as much as I have, maybe more."

"Shut up!"

He laughs, staring at me with his toothy grin. It settles. "Were you being serious?"

"I don't know, maybe."

His eyes scan mine. "We can go upstairs."

"Negan."

"Just for a little while," He suggests, "The boys are asleep. We'll come back after-"

"After you come?"

He rolls his eyes. "Forget it."

"It's not just about the boys," I sit up, "I don't want your wives to hear us."

"We'll be quiet," He tells me, "We used to do it all the time."

"In your office and my house."

"Yeah."

"What if we weren't as quiet as we thought?"

"Look, my wives are in their rooms. They won't hear us. I promise."

I look him over, waffling. "Do you have condoms?"

Negan's brows knit in a way that wants to know if I'm joking. "You're serious?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"Do you have unexpired condoms back at Halcyon?"

"No."

"Then how the hell do you figure we have 'em?"

"I don't know." I sigh, glancing at the bunk bed.

"We'd back in an hour."

I turn my eyes back to him. "You think you can last that long?"

Negan laughs, kissing me. "Shut your pretty mouth."

I chuckle.

"What do you say?"

I look at him. I told myself I wouldn't. But I want to.

"Negan?" The radio in the table calls out. "Do you copy?"

We both look over. "I'll get it."

"Ignore it, it's nothing."

"How do you know?"

"Because someone else can handle it."

"Negan, we gotta situation down here. Over."

I look back to the radio. I think I heard people in the background. I get up and go over to the table.

"Pippa." Negan lays back in an exhales, putting his hand over his eyes.

"Answer it." I extend it to him.

He takes it, ungrateful and annoyed. He puts the radio to his mouth. "Yeah?"

"There's a fight down here in the quarters," The voice replies, "Those people from Halcyon instigated it."

My eyes move the radio to Negan's.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **I don't have access to my laptop at the moment, so I won't be able to respond to the comments in the reviews, so if you have a biting question, comment, or concern, you can always PM me.**


	12. Chapter 12

The factory is fucking freezing, but I'm stifling as we tread through the halls and down all the stairs to get to the bottom. While both of us move with determination and urgency, I have to walk a little faster to try to keep up with Negan's long strides. I'd tell him to slow down, but I don't think I should. Not when there's been a fight that allegedly my people started.

I can feel the anger in Negan's silence. That's his way. That, or arguing until one of us says something funny, mostly me because I'm hilarious, and we laugh it off and have sex.

No matter how hard I try, Negan's legs are longer than mine and the hallways are just narrow enough that it's hard for me to ease myself to his side and match his pace. I think he's doing it on purpose.

Like most people, I think I prefer the arguing that leads to laughter and sex, over the heavy silence. I fucking hate this, but I know it'd be stupid to say anything. He's so not in the mood.

As we get to the bottom, I can smell the stench of unwashed bodies and we haven't yet reached the yellow railing. It must be something they all have gotten used to.

Once we're a few steps from the rails, Negan slows down to a stroll. He brings his bat against his shoulder and sighs as he makes his way down the steps.

People kneel at the sight of him. It's so awkward to pass them as they're all on one knee. I see the stolen glances. I make my way to Negan's side and that's when I notice the small ring of people shoulder to shoulder, I grow even more anxious. That's where my people were quartered.

I push through the Saviors and look down at them all on the mattresses, surrounded and on both knees. Connor's got a bloody lip and nose with a bruising cheek. Martin looks like he's roughed up, but not too bad. My eyes search over everyone else. I catch sight of Dwight in the crowd of Saviors encircling my people.

"What the hell happened here?" Negan asks with a casual sounding tone.

"This one started it," The blonde woman, Laura reports, "He started spouting off and then when Gary came to quiet him down, he decked him."

I look to Connor and then Martin beside him, who flashes his gaze over and then back to me. I move my eyes in that direction. On the back wall, black spray paint roughly spells out "He owns you."

Negan purses his lip, looking to another man. "That true, Gar?"

A bald man licks his bloody lip with his arms crossed. "Yeah, sure as hell is."

Negan glances at Connor and then me with raised brows. He then looks to Reed. "Where's Simon?"

"In for the night," Reed says with some annoyance, "I didn't know they radioed you; I can take care of it, if you-"

Negan puts two of his fingers up to quiet him. He then looks back to me. He sighs with an encroaching smile. "I thought we agreed back at Halcyon that you all were gonna be cooperative and neighborly?"

I stare daggers at him while keeping my composure.

"How the fuck are you gonna make things right when your people just keep drawing blood?"

I breathe calmly. "Who started the fight, Connor?"

"I did, ma'am."

Negan grins, amused.

I look to Connor. "Explain."

Connor clears his throat. "We came back to our quarters and found that on the wall," He nods his head towards the back wall, "And then I saw this asshole laughing with some other asshole and when I asked him what was so funny, he came over, got in my face, telling me to shut and lay down like…" He pauses, hesitant.

I shrug my shoulders, arms crossed. "Like?"

"With all due respect, ma'am; I'd rather not say."

"Say it." I order.

He licks his cut lip. "He told me to lay down like my little pillow biting bitch of a leader is doing right now." His eyes apologize. "So I hit him."

I feel a rush of anger and humiliation spread across my face. But I remain straight-faced. I nod my head.

"Stand up."

Connor moves, getting on his feet. He grunts a little, holding his side. He's knocked back down to the ground immediately when my hard fist collides with his chiseled cheek.

The people on their knees look at Connor and then up at me.

I keep my eyes on Connor. He looks up at my plain gaze.

"The fighting is done," I finally say, "Do you understand?"

He gives a curt nod. "Yes, ma'am."

"Do all of you understand?" I peer over all of them.

They all nod in quiet compliance and shock.

I feel my heart beat so hard against my chest. "Keep your heads down and pay your dues," I glance over at Negan, "And stop acting like wild dogs."

I turn and make my way past the crowd.

"Alright, make yourselves scarce," Negan orders, "And as for you?"

He says something to someone but I don't pay attention. I make my way back upstairs, seeing red. I think my body might be tremoring from how angry I am, but it's hard to tell while I'm walking.

The further and further I get to the top; the more I wind through the hall and climb up the stairs, the more enraged I become. I walk like I'm a bull ready to massacre anyone who gets in my path.

If my boys weren't sleeping, I'd slam the fucking door when I finally get in. I lock it instead.

"Mom?"

I look over to the bunk beds. I change demeanor. "Hey, did you wake up?"

"Where did you go?" Abel rubs his eye.

"Oh, I just had to go the bathroom."

"Where's Dad?"

"You need some water?"

"No."

"Bathroom?"

"No, I just woke up and was waiting for you to come back."

"Aw," I chuckle, "You're so sweet."

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Yeah, come on."

Abel gets out of his bed and pads across the room to my bed.

"Aren't you coming to bed?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec." I go to the fridge.

Over the years, taking a second to drink a glass of water has been sort of therapeutic for me. Everything I feel stressed, upset, angry, what have you about, I drink some water. My skin's fucking amazing.

The door jiggles as someone tries to open it. There comes a knock directly after the not so quiet "goddammit."

"That's probably Dad." Abel says.

"Yeah."

"Are you gonna let him in?"

I twist my mouth to the side, peering into my glass.

"Mom, did you hear what I said?"

I breathe, setting the glass down. "Hold on a minute."

I walk over to the door and open it, slipping out into the hall.

"Why the fuck did you lock the door?"

"Because I couldn't slam the door."

Negan furrows his brows. "What?"

"I think you should go upstairs."

"Go up- Why?"

"Because I'm angry and I don't want you to stay the night."

He exhales, annoyed. "Care to fill me in on what the hell I did?"

I scoff. "Do you really need to be filled in? It's not obvious?"

"You're fucking unbelievable," Negan huffs, "Your guy starts a fight and _I'm_ the asshole? How do the dots connect there, darlin'? I'm really fucking stumped."

"I dealt with Connor," I retort, "You just stood there grinning."

"Should I have taken a swing at him?"

"Negan." I give him a stern look. "Your guy wrote that shit on the wall by their quarters."

"Actually, he didn't. He doesn't know who either, none of them do; he just thought it was funny."

"Well, someone did and I'm willing to bet someone knows who did it, too," I shrug, "So, I hardly think my people were the instigators. And what about what he said about me? You didn't say anything about that?"

"I certainly fucking did," Negan retorts, "You stormed off. He's gonna scrub the paint of my wall."

I fold my arms, unsatisfied.

"What more do you want from me, Pippa? I handled my end, you handled yours."

"I don't like how you handled your end."

"Well, I'm sorry how I handle shit isn't up to your standards," He scoffs, "It was a fight that ended as quick as it started."

"Really? Because you made me feel like an asshole who brought a pack of animals with me downstairs."

"Well, there's been two fights since you got here and both were started by your people."

My nostrils flare as I breathe out. "Goodnight, Negan."

"Pip, wait."

"It's getting late and I'm tired."

"I can't come in?"

"I need to get a good night's sleep," I look at him, "I'm going home tomorrow."

His brows knit. "What?"

"Night."

"You can't leave now."

"Why not?" I arch my brow. "I already put my people in their place."

"Wait until they get the water running."

"That could take weeks," I shake my head, "I can't be gone for weeks. That wasn't part of the deal."

"Well, then stay because I asked you to," He steps closer, "Because I want you to stay."

"I can't and you know that."

"Things are good between us."

"That doesn't mean I don't have to go."

"Please, Pip," Negan moves a strand of hair from my sight, "Just a few more days. I'll keep my people in check, so yours can do their job."

I look up at him. I bite the inside of my cheek. "One more day."

"Two."

"One."

"Two and a half."

"Negan."

"I just want a few more days with you and the boys."

I scoff. "You're just trying to get in my pants."

"I don't need to get in your pants," Negan scoffs back, "You keep taking 'em off around me."

I shove him. "Stop, I'm angry at you. You humilated me back there more than that stupid comment."

"How the fuck did I do that?"

"Figure it the fuck out." I turn around.

"You really want me to go upstairs?"

"Yes," I look over my shoulder, "I don't want people to think I've got my face buried in a pillow."

"I don't know why, sounds like a good time to me."

"Yeah, when it's not implied that I'm your bitch."

"Oh, come on, you knocked a two hundred something pound man on his ass," Negan smirks, but I hear the melancholy, "No one thinks you're my bitch."

"Except they do," I reply, "And I don't think you'd correct them."

He exhales irritably. "Why do you always have to accuse me of being an asshole?"

"Because you are one," I answer, "I think I'm entitled to thinking that after all you put me through."

"Everything I put _you_ through?" Negan turns me around by the arm. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"How much time you got?"

He breaks into a low chuckle. "You sound like…"

I look him over. "Like?"

Negan meets my gaze and then lowers his with a dwindling smile.

"Lucille?"

He looks back up at me and smirks a little more. "You know, I should be the one yelling at you."

"Oh, really?" I hollowly laugh. "And exactly what is it that you have to be mad at me about?"

"For not telling me you were pregnant when you found out."

"You had Lucille to take care of," I put my hands on my hips, "I didn't think you needed to worry about anything more than your wife's health."

"So, you thought I shouldn't know I have a son?"

"It's not like I would have never told you."

"When did you plan on fucking telling me?"

"When…." I trail away from what I was about to say.

Negan's smile ebbs. "When Lucille got better?"

"...Yeah," Then I shrug, "Maybe. I don't know. I also figured when she got better, I wouldn't want to drop that on the both of you."

"That I have a son?"

I shrug again. "That was until I ran into her."

He swallows, looking down. "Well, see? She told you to tell me and you still didn't."

"I wanted to," I say, "I tried. But I couldn't."

"Well, you should have."

"I know," I step closer and put my hands on his chest, "I'll...tell you next time."

Negan chuckles with me.

"If ever there is a next time."

He tips my chin up to kiss me. My anger cools against him. He lets out another chuckle and I follow infectiously although I'm not sure why he's laughing.

He gazes at me. "You think there could be?"

I shrug, laying a kiss on his lips.

The door opens behind us. "Mom?"

I break the kiss. "I'm coming, baby."

"Are you having sex?"

"No, we are not having sex, God!" I groan. "We were just kissing."

"Isn't that what sex is?"

"Jesus, what is it with these kids and asking people if they're having sex?" Negan chuckles. "It's almost as rude as when they interrupt it."

"Shut your mouth." I warn him.

"So, kissing isn't-"

I point to the room. "Abel Joseph Smith, you get your butt in bed right now."

"I was-"

"Now."

"Okay, okay!" Abel runs backs in. "Jesus."

"Excuse me?"

"What did I say?" Abel asks, genuinely confused.

I look at Negan and roll my eyes as I go in.

"We should sleep close to each other," Abel says, sitting on his knees in bed, "It's cold."

"Oh, you mean we should cuddle up?"

"Sure."

I snicker, laying down in bed. "I am one lucky lady to have such sweet kids like you and Jol."

Abel lays close to me, touching my arm. "Jolyon's not sweet. He's a jerk."

"Hey, he is not."

"He said you found me in a Cracker Jack box."

I snort. "Okay, that's pretty jerky. But, hey, you are a prize."

"What are cracker jacks?"

As I go to answer, the door opens more. The two of us watch as Negan comes into sight.

"I'm just saying goodnight."

"You aren't staying over?" Abel asks, disappointed.

"No, buddy, your mom-"

"Shut the door and turn off the lights," I tell him, "We're tired."

"Should I stay or go?"

I mull it over briefly, teasingly. "You do whatever you want to do."

Negan closes the door behind him. I hoped he would have left. I hoped I would have said for him to go instead of what I said. It's almost a betrayal to my people to sleep in bed with him after tonight. I've been here too long.

…

I wake up when Negan does the next morning, anxious and because his moving woke me up.

He goes up to the bathroom to wash up and put on fresh clothes.

While he does that, I contemplate leaving. The more I think about it the more guilt I feel for letting him stay. When I remember how angry I was and how he diffused it, I become more angry. Angry at myself for being so easily diffused around him. It was always like that; Negan has an odd magnetic like energy that draws you in and makes it hard to not like him and forgive him.

He comes back before I make a move and so my plans of packing up the boys and going before sunrise is extinguished.

"You want some coffee?" He hands me a mug he brought in. "Piping hot."

"No sugar or cream?"

"Never."

"Good." I take the cup, sipping from it carefully. The hot liquid travels down me.

"I thought you liked it with milk and sugar?"

"I liked it with whiskey," I joke, "I did like a little milk and sugar, but I don't anymore."

"Why not?"

I shrug my shoulders, clutching the cup. "Shift in taste, I guess."

"Huh."

"Where's yours?"

"You're drinking it." He sits at the table.

I get up from the bed and walk over. "Here."

"Thought you didn't like waking up this early?"

"You woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep."

"Yeah, yeah, everything's my fault."

I snicker. "Kiss me."

"Bend over."

"Real cute." I lean over to kiss him.

He takes my arm as he kisses me, pulling me softly to him.

I sit in his lap. "You're a good kisser."

"So, I've been told."

I roll my eyes. "Whore."

"Takes one to fucking know one."

"I am not a whore."

"Didn't you sleep around with two married men at the same time?"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" I laugh.

"None of your kids have the same father," He continues to tease, "You got knocked up in high school."

"Okay, now I'm offended." I poke my finger to his chest. "Apologize."

"Or?"

"Or, any chance you have of whoring around with me is gone," I threaten, "Don't fucking test me. Say you're sorry."

"Alright, fucking relax," Negan pecks my lips, "I'm sorry. You're not a whore."

"Thank you," I run my hands through his damp hair, "You smell good."

"I bathed."

"Mm, it suits you."

"You should have joined me."

"Maybe when you have running water."

"I don't know, washing you would have been a delight, nay, a privilege."

"Can't say the same."

"Oh, please, like you'd hate touching me wet."

"I'd rather have my hands cut off than wash your dick."

"Oh, like it'd be the opposite of a fucking good time."

"Only in your dreams, champ."

"Oh, so, you can touch it and you're not above su-"

"I wouldn't finish that sentence."

"Sorry."

I cackle, kissing him. "What time is it?"

"Five to six."

"You like being in control so much, why don't you stop time?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because once everything starts to wake up, I'll have to go back to being mad at you for everything."

"I could throw the clock out the window."

I laugh quietly.

"Jesus, you really sucker punched that guy." He awes, staring at my bruised knuckles.

I take my hand away. "Consider yourself lucky it wasn't you."

"Won't lie, it was a hell of a turn on."

I scoff. "What doesn't turn you on?"

"Not a whole lot."

"And you wonder why I'm always mad at you."

"You know, you don't have to be mad at me when the sun comes up."

"Mm, I think I do, sport."

"Why?"

"How much time you got?"

He chuckles, putting his lips to mine. "I love you."

"If you really loved me, you'd move to Halcyon with us and pick up where we left off," I brush my hand over his hair, "Or start what could have been if you had found us at the house."

"I love you, Pippa," Negan touches my arm, looking into my eyes, "But I can't leave this place."

I breathe through my nose. "I know."

"You could move here," He suggests, "Be a hell of a lot easier."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm serious; you could move here and-"

"And what about Halcyon?"

"We can make it an outpost," Negan tells me, "You know, merge our communities."

"Hm, and where would me and the boys live?" I cock my brow. "In this room? Because we have a house back home."

"A shitty house with one room and a closet sized bathroom."

"It's homey," I retort, "And the kids love it there. It's the first home they've had since Camden. The only home Abel's had."

"Well, this could be a good home, too."

"Hm, let's see; a spooky factory where we'll live below your gaggle of wives, or a community with wide open spaces and a house where the sun shines?" I make an uneven scale with my hands. "Seems like the house is a better option for raising kids."

"It's not bad here."

"Not for you, you're the leader."

"Are you implying it's bad here for others?"

I scoff, looking at him. My smile fades as I look at his serious inquiring face. "You're not seriously thinking everyone has it great here?"

"Actually I am," Negan huffs, "Are you suggesting otherwise?"

"People are living on the mattresses rowed out on the floor," I elaborate, as if it's not easy enough to see, "And other people, the Saviors, steal from them."

"You earn what you take," Negan says irritably, "That's how it is."

"Really? So, if the workers steal from the Saviors, they don't get the holy hell beat out of them?"

Negan rolls his eyes. "It's an economy, Pippa. There's always gonna be people on the bottom. Life's not hunky dory fair, you know that."

I pick up his coffee. "Which is why I'll stick with Halcyon."

"Oh, like shit's all egalitarian there?"

"Pretty much," I sip coffee, "No one has to suck dick for medicine."

"Get off me."

"Truth hurts?"

"You were right; I am starting to get sick of you. Maybe you should go home."

There's my out.

"Okay," I hand him the mug, "We'll be packed before noon."

"Good."

"I'm not joking."

Negan gives me a thumbs up, before flipping me the bird, all while sipping his coffee.

I walk over to the dresser and open a drawer, pulling out some of the clothes I brought. I then get into the second for the boy's clothes.

"Don't steal any of the clothes that were already there."

"There weren't any clothes in here."

"You fucking liar."

I grab a shirt that's not mine and toss it at him. "There. That one's fucking ugly, so you can have it back."

"Grow up, you dirty fucking theif."

"If you call me another name, I'm gonna-"

"You're gonna what?" Negan grins, arrogant, "What the fuck are you gonna do?"

"I'm…" Damn. I'm tied. I already threatened to leave.

"That's what I fucking thought."

I poke my tongue in my cheek. "Why don't you go? I'll pack faster without your loud mouth."

"Oh, give it a rest," Negan scoffs behind me, "You're not gonna fucking leave."

"Oh, really?" I turn around with a grin. "What have I been talking about since I got here?"

He scoffs, drinking more coffee.

"Fine, don't believe me."

"Mom?"

I glance over to the bunk beds. "Sorry, we'll be quiet."

"What are you doing?" Jolyon says with a raspy voice.

"I'm packing," I tell him, "We're leaving today."

"We are?"

"Yep."

Jolyon rolls over to his other side. "Okay." He murmurs, going back to sleep.

I can't help but smirk a little, as I go the end of the bed, where I have my knapsack.

"I hope you won't mind, if I pack what's left over of breakfast," I tell Negan, "In case the kids get hungry on the way home."

"Fine by me."

This asshole is really trying to call my bluff. Thing is, I sort of was bluffing. But if he doesn't yield, then I will leave. It's not as if I don't want to.

…

The door to the bookkeeper's office opens and Lourdes exits.

"Hey."

She looks over, tucking some messy hair behind her ear. "Oh, hey."

I raise my brow. "Where's Reed?"

"I don't know."

I nod. "Your shirt's unbuttoned.

She looks down her flannel.

"Ha, got you," I scoff, "Is he in there?"

Lourdes goes to deny it, but exhales. "Yeah, okay? Keep your voice down."

"Man, that didn't take long," I put my hands on my hips, "I thought he was clueless."

"Well, I figured I'd take Nanda's advice and just stick my hand down his pants."

I look at her, curious and surprised.

"I got this scratch last night during the fight," She shows me the decent scratch on her cheek, "It started to bleed, so I asked for help with putting on the band aid on and, well…"

I roll my eyes, humored. "You're incredible."

"That's what he said."

We cackle under our breaths.

"Is he good?"

"I don't know, we only made out a little," She tells me, "I jerked him off a little. Before we could too far, the radio went off for him."

I nod my head. "So, are you staying to seal the deal?"

"Are we leaving?"

"Uh, yeah," I confirm, "Don't you think it's time?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought you meant like tomorrow or the day after that. You've been waffling."

"Well, I'm not waffling now.

"Okay…"

"I can wait until you nab him."

"Nah, he'll be here when I come back."

"You think you'll be back?"

"If we continue working together, yeah."

I look her over. "This whole sticking your hand down his pants thing isn't because Simon 'turned in for the night' right?"

"Ah, por favor," Lourdes rolls her eyes, "I am done with Simon."

"I know, I just think you want to antagonize him is all."

She shrugs and we laugh. "You think it'll piss him off to know that Reed's hung like a horse?"

"Sh!" I snicker. "He's right in his office. Pack your stuff."

"Alright, I'm going."

"Tell Nanda to pack it up, too," I call, "I'm serious, she's not staying."

Lourdes gives me a thumbs up as she walks off.

I rub my arm, hesitant to go back upstairs. I notice the looks I'm getting from the people down here. It's maybe for best I go. The more I'm here, the more rumors about me being wrapped around Negan's waist.

"Hey."

I turn my head. "Oh, hey, D."

He sticks a cigarette in his mouth. "How's the hand?"

I look at my knuckles. "Fine."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Aside from my people starting fights and making me look like I don't have control over things?" I shrug. "See ya."

"Hey, wait a minute."

"I don't think Sherry would like us talking."

"Well, too bad, wait up."

"What?"

"You going home?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You've got your jacket on."

"It's cold in here," I say, "And Negan's always got his jacket on." I smile. "Although, I guess he'd look less intimidating in just a white tshirt, huh?"

Dwight smiles back, snickering. "So, you aren't leaving?"

"No, I think I am," I sigh, "I have to go back."

"Yeah…" He lights his cigarette. "Do you remember when we were in high school and we egged Mrs. Truesdale's house and the police found us and called your dad?"

I snicker. "Yeah, that bitch totally deserved it."

Dwight chuckles under his breath.

I smile at his face. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," He shrugs, "I just remembered it."

I look at him. "You should come along. Maybe stay a few days."

"Right." He huffs.

"Why not?" I arch my brow. "I brought some of mine here to work, why can't some of you come my way?"

"You're working off a debt," Dwight answers, "What would I do there?"

"Dig some earth, or whatever you're good at."

Dwight exhales smokes, glancing down at his cigarette.

"What do you say?"

"It's not an option," He says, smoking, "I've gotta stay, but I appreciate the offer."

"Well, you should come some time. You'd like it there."

"I bet."

My eyes observe his body language. "Hey, D?"

"Yeah?"

"That thing Connor said that one guy said?"

"What about it?"

I bite my lip. Don't ask. Don't appear like you care and ask. I shake my head. "Never mind."

He looks me over. "Okay."

I look up at the sound of his deep voice some distance away. "I gotta go; I've got to make sure my guys are gonna behave themselves."

Dwight nods. "See ya."

"See ya," As I go to leave, I pause in my tracks, "Oh, one more thing."

"What?"

"Do you know who might have written that thing on the wall?"

"No, no clue," He flicks some ash, "Why?"

"Just wondering if maybe you heard anything."

"I haven't."

I nod. "Why would they write that?"

Dwight looks off as if he can see the wall from here and is reading it. He then looks back to me, licking his lips. "I...I don't know. Probably just being an asshole, whoever it was."

"Is there truth in it?" I ask.

He stares at me.

"Look, I know about the other communities," I tell him, "I want to know if we're gonna be just like them."

Dwight looks down as he throws down his cigarette to put it out.

"Please, let me know," I gently plead, "Tell me if the wool's being thrown over my eyes here. You would, wouldn't you?"

His eyes return to mine.

"Would you?"

Dwight's eyes scan mine. He nods. "Yeah, I'd tell you."

I breathe calmly and relieved. "So, is there something I should know? Is he gonna go back in the deal?"

Dwight glances to the side, where Negan is still some distance away. He then looks back. "No, he's not gonna go back on the deal."

I feel anxiety lift in me. I can trust Dwight. He wouldn't deceive me. He's too honest, always has been.

"I gotta get back to work."

"Okay," I smile lightly, "If I don't see you again before we leave, see ya."

"See ya."

I turn, setting out to make sure my clan can be here without me.

"Sh!" A woman in rags says to young man. "Keep your voice down!"

"I'm not afraid of him."

"Well, you should be," She hoarsely chides, "Unless, you'd like to be put on the fence."

I look at them and then glance over my shoulder where they're looking. I see Dwight with Simon.

"He's not the same now that he's a Savior."

I turn my head forward and realize they've noticed me. I smile meekly, but they just stare. I breathe and move on.

"Hey!"

Oh, Christ.

"Hold your horses there, Pippa."

"How can I help you?" I wryly ask.

"Heard you pack one hell of a punch."

"And you want to find out for yourself?"

"Cute," Simon replies, "No, I just came over to talk to you about worker compliance."

"What?" I puzzle my brows.

"Your people sort of have an attitude that doesn't quite fit the social order around here."

"They don't have an attitude," I deny, "They just aren't used to-"

"Structure and rules?"

I scoff, smirking incredulously. "To being treated like ants."

"Hm, I see."

"They're used to being the grasshoppers."

Simon grins under his moustache. "Well, different ecosystem, different level of the food chain. You're not in Kansas anymore, sugar."

"Oh, that almost would have been clever, if you hadn't just paired it with a food chain reference." I pat his arm. "Don't beat yourself, it's early."

"What's the deal with Lourdes and our bookkeeper?"

"He's having her help with grunt work he doesn't want to do."

"Grunt work, huh?" Simon strokes his moustache. "Sounds like something she'd excel at."

I arch my brow. "I'm surprised you're inquiring, considering you failed to do your job last night because you were too busy 'turning in'."

Simon looks me over.

I smile. "Is that why you wanted to talk to me? You got chewed out because Negan had to do what you should have taken care of?"

"I don't think you realize how lucky you are that I didn't take care of it."

I nod mildly. "Or you are."

Simon scoffs, humored. "Oh, boy, I am gonna love working with you, Pippa."

"Ditto." I walk off, before he says more. I look casually to the side and see Negan at the railing, watching me.

I'm serious; I will leave. Can't he see that, or is he too stubborn this time to stop me and ask me to stay? Maybe I have gotten on his last nerve. The argument was petty and stupid, but still. We've been bickering left and right since I got here.

…

"Whatcha eating?"

Martin glances up. "What's it look like?"

"Attitude on a stale roll."

"Damn right it's stale," He takes a bite, "You want the other half?"

"No, thanks." I look him over. "How's the face?"

"I've had worse."

"How's Connor?"

"He's had worse."

"I meant-"

"He knows why you did it."

I glance over to the wall behind us. Two workers scrub the writing on the wall. "Thought Negan told that one guy to do it?"

"Yeah, well, they're who showed up."

I huff through my nose. "I'm leaving."

"Alright."

"Think you can handle being here without me?"

"You mean me personally, or the whole group?" He chews. "Because personally, I can't stand you, so it'll be like a vacation."

I chuckle.

"As for the rest, well, I'm sure they'll be able to be brave and push on."

"Don't be a dick."

"What time you leaving?"

"You know, you could have marched on anytime you wanted," I retort, "You didn't have to stay."

"Yeah, well, I've grown too fond of you," He takes another bite, "Stockholm syndrome, I think."

I laugh, smiling at him. "I'm leaving you in charge while I'm not here."

"You tell Negan that?"

"Negan is in charge here, so you'll all comply with what he says, but I want you to delegate the group. Make sure they're staying out of trouble."

"Sure Connor isn't a better fit?"

"Shut it."

Martin smiles into laugh. "Alright, I'll watch over the flock."

"Please do."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders, "When you're done, I guess. Maybe before then."

"Running water's really gonna even things out?"

"It might for the medicine, but we still have to make up for killing their people."

"People that would have killed us all the same."

"It'll be paid off before you know it," I tell him, "Then it's all smooth sailing from there."

"Sure hope so," Martin says, "Otherwise we're just as stupid as they take us for."

I breathe. "We aren't, hence why we took precautions."

"Yeah."

"Get their water running."

"I'll try."

I feel I could kiss him, but I won't. "See ya soon."

"Safe travels."

I look at him. "I'm glad I can rely on you, Martin."

He looks over. "You can rely on me."

I smile, before getting up from sitting beside him. "I gotta get the boys ready."

"I'm surprised he doesn't want the boys to stay."

"He does, but I'm not ready to leave them with him."

"Huh." He nods, moving his tongue along the inside of his mouth.

I peer down at him. "I trust Negan, Martin. It's just that he's never taken care of kids for a long period of time."

Despite Negan's cocky attitude, I don't think he can handle parenthood without someone to tag in. Sure, he likes kids, is great with ours, and has years of teaching experience, but at the end of the day, all the kids he's ever watched after or coached have gone home. He doesn't know what it's like to have kids twenty-four hours, seven days a week. He doesn't know what it's like to be a parent, a single parent at that. I've done majority of the parenting the last few days, so he can even say he's gained experience.

Maybe I'm being too overprotective, but I'm not just gonna leave my kids here. If it weren't a factory, maybe, _maybe_ , it would be a different story.

"Enjoy your stale sandwich."

Martin nods, eating as I walk away. I look back at the workers doing a job that was supposed to be a punishment for someone else.

…

"How long is the drive gonna be, Mom?"

"Um, about two hours and fifteen minutes."

"Is that a long time?"

"No, not at all."

"Did you pack snacks?"

"We packed leftovers from breakfast."

"Okay ...Is Dad gonna come?"

"Uh, no, babe, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because he's gotta stay here."

"Will he come visit us?"

"I'm sure he will when he can."

"When will that be?"

"I don't know."

"Ask him."

"Abel, honey, he's got work to do around here, just like I do back home," I zip up his jacket, "He might not come right away if he's busy."

"Well, then will we come back here?"

"We'll see."

"Okay."

I smile, pecking his cheek. "It's not gonna be a long, long time, okay?"

"What if he gets lost again?"

"He won't get lost," I chuckle, "But if he does, I'll find him again."

"Promise?"

"Pinky swear."

Abel latches his pinky to mine. "Okay."

I kiss his cheek one more time, standing up. "Jol, you ready to go?"

"Yeah." He stands up from the bottom bed.

"You got all your things?"

"Yep."

"Did you say goodbye to Pip?" I ask next. "Made sure he's got food and water?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Can we take him with us?"

"No, baby, he lives here."

"But he's Jolyon's cat, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but I think your dad's kind of attached to him."

"No, he's not," Abel says, "He calls him an asshole all the time."

"Watch your mouth."

Abel covers his mouth. "Sorry."

"And your dad likes to act like he doesn't like Pip, but really he does, hence why he's had him all these years," I continue, "And Pip likes your dad, so it'd be cruel to separate them."

"Aw, alright," Abel wallows, "We should get a dog."

"Yeah, okay, I'll go right down to the pound as soon as we get back."

"What's that?"

"Wow." Jolyon chuckles and I can't help but to do the same.

It is funny how Abel doesn't know what some things are, simply because we don't have them in the new world. It's easy to forget, so when he's confused about shit like television, phones, etc, it's sort of humorous.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," I muss his hair, "Go get your backpack on."

There's a knock on the door before it opens. It's Negan. "Knock, knock."

"Hey," I reply, "We were just getting ready to head out."

"You're really leaving, huh?"

"Told you I wasn't bluffing."

He nods. "That you did."

I nod, too, although I don't know why. "Well, I guess, we better go. Lour and Nanda are waiting for us."

"I'll walk with you."

I sling my knapsack over my shoulder. "If you want."

The four of us go down to the factory floor. Negan and I don't say anything to one another. I think it's clear to the both of us that neither is going to ask the other to stay, or stay. It's like a dumb show of stubbornness that no one's winning at. We're fucking idiots.

I've wanted to go home for awhile and I suppose the more and more I think about it the more I'm coming around to the idea. I do have to go and to stay because he wants me to will make me look like I'm ga-ga over him. I can't have that; I've already made a fool of myself as it is apparently.

"You should come stay with us for a few days," Abel tells Negan, "It would be so fun. You could pick tomatoes with us and Mom would make tomato pie."

"What the hell is tomato pie?"

"Pie with tomatoes and cheese and crust."

"So, it's a pizza?"

"What's pizza?"

"Yikes, kid," Negan chuckles, "You need to get out more."

"What is it?"

"It's bread rolled out flat with tomato sause, cheese, and other toppings thrown on," Negan vaugley explains to him, "Of course, your mother was always the freak who only wanted cheese."

I smile a little as I walk ahead of him in the narrow hall.

"What else can you put on there?"

"Lots of shit," He replies, "Pepperoni, mushrooms, bacon, peppers, olives, pineapple, you know, the works."

He's basically spelling out what he'd order as a combination pizza. I remember his half of the pizza had all of that crap on it.

"Sounds good." Abel says, though I'm sure he doesn't know what pepperoni or pineapples are.

"Best food out there, besides biscuits and gravy," Negan says, "And sandwiches, because I mean, come on, who doesn't like a mean ass sandwich?"

"Mom makes good sandwiches."

"She has her moments."

"Don't be rude."

"Sorry."

Outside, one of our trucks is parked by the gates. Connor's loading Lourdes and Nanda's things, although I'm not sure why. They only brought small backpacks.

"Pip, hang on a second."

I let the boys go down to the truck. I then turn to Negan. "What?"

Negan seems hesitant, like he doesn't know what to say, or else is too embarrassed or prideful to say it. He licks his lips. "When will you be back with the kids?"

I push windswept hair from my face. "Depends."

"On what?"

"On running water."

"So, you won't be back until then?"

"No," I answer, "You could come our way. We can trade."

He scoffs mildly. "You've got debt before we can talk trade."

"Take some produce back with you."

Negan glances down at the truck. "Maybe I'll pay you a visit in a few days."

"To report back on my people's progress and cooperation."

"I don't think I'll have to worry about that." He smiles at me in his cocky way.

"Martin will keep them toeing the line," I tell him, "Put some faith in him, he'll get the job done and he's good to rely on when need be."

"Oh, I'll sit down with him, don't you worry about that."

"Why do you have to be an asshole?" I say, disappointed. "I told you nothing's happened between us and my people will keep their heads down. Have a little faith that I know how to lead people."

Before he can argue back, I turn and go down the stairs. "Adios, asshole."

"Pippa." He exhales.

"Come say goodbye to the kids, before we leave."

Connor sits against the back of the truck with Jolyon. "Ma'am."

"They pack their bags with rocks, or something?"

"What?"

"You helped them carry their bags out," I elaborate, "Must have been some heavy bags, if they needed you to carry them."

"Oh, nah, I just carried Nanda's, 'cause of her shoulder."

"What's wrong with her shoulder?" I look over for Nanda, who's trying to buckle Abel in with one arm.

"It got dislocated in the fight."

Jolyon's brows furrow.

I nod my head, looking back at him. "How's the face?"

"My old man used to do worse," He shrugs it off, "This is nothing."

"Are we good?"

Connor looks at me as he sticks a cigarette from his jacket in his mouth. "Why wouldn't we be?"

I smile plainly. "Jol, get the car."

"Yeah, don't breathe this shit in, kid." Connor smokes.

Jolyon glances at Connor as he goes. His eyes flicker to my bruised hand as he passes me.

Lourdes appears. "We're ready to go when you are, mama."

"See ya later, Lour." Connor says.

"I'm sorry, have we met?" Lourdes teases, as she goes around to the driver's side.

Connor grins. "See ya, boss lady."

"Behave yourself."

"Will do." He heads off to the front of the factory. He passes Negan, who strolls over to the truck. I walk to the passenger's side and get in. "Jol, you buckled in?"

"Yeah."

"I am, too." Abel says.

"Good," I look in the rearview mirror. "Nanda?"

She gives me the finger, leaning her head in her opposite hand. I smirk, humored.

"Alright," Negan comes up to the open window, "I guess, this is so long."

"Yep." I barely say.

He looks me over, before blinking back to the boys. "Be good for your mom. Like you have a choice."

"Bye." Abel waves, melancholy.

"Jol."

"See ya." Jolyon greets back.

Negan nods, sighing through his nose as he looks back to me. "Well, you're really leaving."

"I really am."

"Don't suppose I could get a little goodbye sugar before you go, huh?"

I smile in a way that tells him no such luck.

Negan nods. "Any other takers?" He says to Lourdes and Nanda.

Lourdes rolls her eyes. "Fat fucking chance."

Nanda looks out the other window, blushing a little.

He snickers, humored with himself. "Alright, don't forget to write."

"We'll be sure to do that."

Negan smiles at me. "Goodbye, Pippa."

"Bye, Negan."

He steps back, gazing at me as Lourdes turns the car on. He signals for the gates to open. I roll up my window and we drive off. I glance in my rearview mirror and watch him grow smaller and eventually move.

"I wish we could have stayed longer." Abel says.

"Ah, no. I'm ready to go home." Lourdes yawns.

"Me, too."

I look in the mirror at Jolyon. His eyes find mine and I hold the gaze for a second, before looking away. I take another look at the shrinking factory in the side mirror.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: I haven't quite figured out the Sherry situation quite yet haha. She for sure doesn't like Pippa but I'd like to think she wouldn't be mean to the boys.**

 **StTudnoBright: I think Dwight and Pippa will come around to be friends. He's still nice Dwight somewhere inside. I know, the banter between Negan and Pippa is my favorite thing about this fic. It's what I look forward to every time I start a new chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

Cleo's barking grows close. I put down the half of sandwich I've been eating while we wait.

"Where's the napkin?"

"Oh, you mean the napkin we're sharing, because you didn't think to bring one?" I pick up the cloth napkin that hangs off the steering wheel and hand it to Lourdes.

"Bitch, you make a mean sandwich." She dabs the corners of her lips to get rid of the mustard.

"Thanks, I learned from the best."

"Your dad?"

"Dwight."

"Oh," She chuckles mischievously as she runs her tongue along her teeth, "So, _he_ got out of bed to make _you_ a sandwich?"

I take a swig from my canteen of water. "No," I simply say.

She looks at me, then back out the window.

Cleo appears, running towards us as fast her four legs will carry her. The dead will be in sight in about four or so minutes.

Lourdes opens the door to the truck. Cleo hops in. She licks my face with a hot breath.

"Atta girl!" Lourdes praises with a pat on the back, which prompts the dog to turn to her. She pants heavily, but her tail wags.

I get out the car when I see the first corpse. There's only a handful today, so I just let Lourdes gush over her dog's efforts.

I hit each and everyone with the small axe I have, more angry than I should be. They're just walking husks.

I walk back to the truck, wiping sweat off my face with a little blood in the mix as well.

Lourdes looks me over, petting Cleo. "Are you gonna want the other half of your sandwich?"

"It's yours."

"Sweet."

I whistle and Cleo sits in the middle. I get back in and look at my face in the mirror. I clear the blood off my face with the napkin.

Lourdes chews away at my partially eaten sandwich. "I didn't think you'd want it covered in blood."

The drive back is quiet, except for Cleo's breathing. The truck is freezing ass cold, but the heat and air conditioning in this truck ran out ages ago and won't ever be fixed. I bounce my knee to try and ignore the bite of the nasty October weather.

The gates open on our arrival. I park the car and get out.

"Am I coming to your place or are you and the boys coming to mine?"

"We'll come to you."

"Okay," Lourdes nods, patting Cleo, "Come on, mami, let's get you some water."

I head home, acknowledging people who greet me as I walk by. In the middle of the dirt road, I spy Walter standing, observing everyone else's work with his hands behind his back. When he turns and sees me, he smiles with his insincere, cordial smile.

"Afternoon, Pippa."

"Walt."

"I trust the clear out went well?"

"You're trust isn't misplaced," I tell him, "Not with me."

His smile grows. "No, certainly not."

I walk past him. He has this air to him, always has, always will probably, but it's on full blast ever since we came back from The Sanctuary.

"I wonder," He says, "When the valued and cherished members of our community will return to us. Do you know?"

"Soon."

"Thank goodness," Walter feigns relief, "I feared perhaps their residence at Negan's community might have become permanent."

"It's not."

"Good to hear," He replies, "Hopefully our account with these Saviors will be closed fairly soon."

I turn and look at him. "We'll pay what we owe."

"And after that?"

"After that, we'll work with them, because there's strength and a future in working with people instead of fighting them."

"Ah." Walter nods

I turn to leave.

"Like East Valley."

I stop.

"Did you mention East Valley to our new friends?"

I take a breath and walk. I'm not gonna play his friendly-neighbor-I'm-not-bitter-you-took-my-job game. I didn't mention East Valley and he knows I didn't.

I reach my house and go inside, dog tired.

"Mommy!"

"Hey, kiddo," I put my arm around Abel as he greets me, "You miss me?"

"Yeah," He walks with me, "But I knew you were coming back."

"Of course I was coming back," I smile, "I'd never think of leaving you and Jol alone."

"Good."

I yawn. "Where's your older brother?"

"With Ravinder and Nanda."

"Out?"

"I don't know." Abel shrugs.

"Lydia?"

"Yeah?" Lydia comes out from the bathroom, drying her hands.

"Where'd Jolyon go?"

"Uh, he said he wanted to go ask Ravinder a homework question."

I look down at Abel. "What'd he tell you?"

"He told me he'd be right back."

I glance back to Lydia. "How long ago did he leave?"

"About ten minutes ago."

I look at the clock on the wall. "Okay."

"You need me to stay a little longer, so you can shower?"

"No, that's okay, you can go," I tell Lydia, "I've got it from here."

"Okay, see ya tomorrow."

"Bye." I glance over to Abel. "I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay."

"You wanna help me with the laundry after?"

"Do I get to wash or dry?"

"Both."

"Mm, okay."

…

"Pin me." I put my hand out.

"Here."

I accept the clothespin from Abel. "Thank you." I pin his shirt to the line.

"Are we done now?"

"Do you not see all that in the basket?"

"I'm bored."

"Well, go play then."

"You need me to help."

"I got it," I tell him, "Go play."

"You won't be mad?"

I roll my eyes. "I might send you to bed without dinner, but no."

Abel chuckles. "I'm gonna see if Cleo can come out."

"Sounds good."

I watch him run over to Lourdes' house, before grabbing a pair of pants from the basket. My stomach growls. I can smell spices and I know Lourdes must be making something comes running over with Abel at her heels.

"Cleo, wait for me!"

Cleo brings me her stick and drops it, looking up at me in waiting.

"Go give it to Abel."

She whines. She doesn't like it when Abel plays fetch with her, because he can't throw very far.

"Go!"

She picks up the stick and trots to Abel catching up.

"Go long."

I snicker as she backs up a little for him to throw it. She knows she won't have to run far.

"Throw away from her, so you don't accidentally her."

"Okay!"

"Shit!"

I look over my shoulder and see the three I've been looking out for for sometime.

"See ya, Jol."

I reach down for another article of clothing. The crunch of footsteps on dirt comes closer and closer.

"Hey, Mom."

"Where've you been?"

"I-"

"I know what you told Lydia, but why don't you tell me where you were, because I don't see a notebook or pencil in your hand."

"I left it there by accident."

"Where's there?" I ask, "Under your pillow?"

He stares.

"Tell you what, I'll let you try again. Where were you?"

Jolyon sighs, caught. "They set traps this morning, I went with them to check them."

"It's been almost two hours," I tell him, "I was getting ready to come look for you."

"They had a lot of traps and…"

I look at him. "And?"

"Nothing."

"Jolyon."

"...Well…" He bites his lip, "Some of them had biters in them, so we had to kill them and gather the traps to bring them home to clean."

I breathe through my nose and feel my nostrils flare as I try to remain calm.

"I was with Nanda and Ravinder; they're adults. It's not like I was in danger," He tries to defend, "We saw like four out there."

"Mhm," I pick up the basket, "Well, even so, you're grounded for the rest of the week for going outside without me or my permission."

"But I-"

"Would you like it to go into next week?" I look over with an arched brow. "Because you also lied to me and Lydia."

"No." He groans.

"Good," I walk towards the house, "Now go wash up for dinner."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And I hope you don't have plans after dinner, because Lourdes is gonna need dishes cleaned after slaving over a hot oven for hours."

He exhales as he follows. Cleo runs over to him with the stick.

"Hey, we're playing fetch!" Abel calls after her. "Traitor!"

"Not now, baby," I tell the dog, "Jol's in the dog house."

…

Lourdes made one killer dinner. She served empanadas with sauce and a corn dish, Abel's favorite of hers. She really is the best stand in mom the boys could ever have. The boys refer to her as their aunt, but she always says she's their stand in mom, or other mother. People usually think we're a couple upon meeting us.

After dinner, I make Jolyon wash the dishes, while Lourdes and Abel play. I made some decaf and sit with them with the dog's head in my lap.

"Do moms really have eyes on the back of their heads?"

"Yes, that's why you can't get away anything." Lourdes answers, coloring on the page beside Abel's.

"How come we can't see them?"

"Because of all that hair, silly."

"Oh," Abel colors, "But then how can the eyes see, if we can't see them, 'cause their covered in hair?"

"They just can."

Abel gets up from the coffee table and climbs up on the couch. "Mom, turn your head for a minute."

I turn my head and he moves around my hair. I smile as he does, humored.

"I don't see any eyes."

"Well, maybe they're closed right now."

Abel stops searching. "You're just teasing."

"I swear I'm not."

"Mom?"

"She's kidding, babe."

"Very funny." Abel scoffs.

Lourdes busts up laughing. "You are so cute!" She puts her head down to laugh.

"It's not that funny, Lourdes."

She sighs, smiling. "Yes, it was. What's even funnier is I know if I pulled the same trick with Jolyon when he was your age, he'd have fallen for the same thing."

"Would not." Jolyon calls.

"Would so!"

"Whatever!"

"Hey, don't back sass me," She points at him, "Or we'll double the grounding."

"You don't have the authority."

"Oh, no?" She raises her brow. "Just for the lip, you're gonna do the dishes at my house until further notice."

Jolyon laughs with her.

"You okay, mama?"

I glance over at her. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure, because you've been staring out the window like a Victorian widow all night."

"I'm just tired."

"Alright, well, go home and go to bed," She tells me, "I'll send the boys home in a little bit."

"Or we can just spend the night," Abel suggests, "Pleeeease!"

"Oh," Her smiles grows shy, "Uh, not tonight, bebé."

"Why not?"

"Um, because I have a friend coming over in a little while."

I glance at her and she looks back.

"Who's coming over?" Abel asks.

"We better get home." I stand up.

"We can't sleep over?"

"Lour's got company coming over." I brush off the doghair.

"Who?"

"Paul," She tells him, "He's gonna help fix the ceiling fan in my room."

"Oh...okay." Abel gets up, giving her a hug. "Night."

"Aw, buenas noches, bebé," She hugs him back, "Give me a kiss."

Abel pecks her cheek. "Love you."

"Te amo."

Jolyon dries his hands and walks to the door.

"Pardóneme?"

Jolyon comes over and hugs Lourdes. "Night, Lourdes."

"Keep it up, buddy," She teases, "I'll never have to wash a dish again."

He scoffs, chuckling with her. "Bye."

"Take the dog with you, okay?" She tells him. "She needs to be walked and I don't have the time tonight."

"Okay." Jolyon whistles and Cleo hops off the couch.

"Night, Lour."

"Night, Pip."

The three of us, plus Cleo leave Lourdes' house and walk the few steps to our house.

"You two go get ready for bed," I tell them as they open the door, "I'll walk the pooch."

Cleo and I walk towards the front of Halcyon. There's a few people out because the night's still young.

"Pip!"

"Hey."

"Come have a drink with us!"

I smile. "Some other time."

Some other time when we live in an alternative universe where I'm not an alcoholic. Majority of the people here don't know that I am an alcoholic, which is why I got invited to drink just now. Obviously, the people I've known a long time know and I told Martin once in confidence, but aside from that, no one else. I told someone else once, but they died a while ago.

I get why they say you're always an alcoholic. I still get the itch to drink even after four and a half years sober. I always say I don't mind when people drink around me, but I do. It's hard, especially now.

It's been almost a month since we left The Sanctuary. We haven't seen or heard from our people or Negan. I act as if I'm not concerned, but I am each day we hear no feedback. I told them all to do their work and stay out of trouble…

Negan said he'd come up to see the boys, but hasn't. I wonder why he hasn't. Part of me wants to think it's because I didn't put out while I was there. Knowing that frisky prick, he was planning on staying in bed the whole time I was there.

It's not like I didn't want to jump his bones. I just...I couldn't. I didn't want to be his other woman. Again.

Cleo brings me a stick, so I toss it ahead for her to chase. She brings it back and we do this until we get home. I passed Paul on the walk, so I think it's safe to say Cleo's gonna stay with us tonight.

I open the door and Cleo pads over to Jolyon's bed. She loves the kids, but I think Jol's her boy. She treats Abel more like a puppy. She nudges him around a lot and he oddly minds her. When he was a baby, she'd drag him back by his clothes when he'd crawl too far for her liking.

I go over to the kitchen sink. I get some water, trying to be quiet. I set the glass in the sink and stare there for a moment.

"You okay?"

I wipe a tear. "What are you doing up still?"

"You weren't gone for a long time," Jolyon says, petting Cleo, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You're crying."

"I'm not crying, babe, the wind just caught my eyes."

He stares. "Is it because Negan hasn't come?"

"I said I'm fine, Jol."

"I know you're not," He argues, "You've been quiet a lot since we got back."

"I-"

"Yes, you have."

I walk to the coat rack, peeling off my jacket. "Don't worry about me, okay?" I hang my jacket up. "I'll be fine when our family comes home."

"Do you think they're okay?"

I breathe, treading towards my bedroom. I don't know. "I'm sure they're just peachy."

"So, it's not about Negan?"

"No," I shake my head, "I'll see you in the morning, punk."

Abel's asleep in bed. I turn my back and face the dresser as I undress for bed. I'm such a fucking liar.

…

The next morning, I go over the books while Lourdes makes breakfast. She came over to collect her dog, but went right to the kitchen once Abel opened the door for her.

After breakfast, I decide to help out in the gardens and crops. I always like doing that. If I wasn't the leader of this place, I think I'd rather clip tomatoes off their vines. I like tending to the animals, too. It makes me feel hope to see things grow and live well.

Lourdes finds me about an hour in, right after I've milked one of the cows.

"Where are the boys?"

"With Lydia."

"Ah, Lydia's too trusting," I hand someone the bucket of milk, "She let Jol walk right out the door."

"How was she to know he was gonna take off?" She follows me. "Come on, she's a good sitter and she knows Jol's grounded."

"What have you got going on that you can't watch 'em?"

Lourdes scoffs. "I have an idea. Why don't you go look after your own kids?"

"I'm working," I pluck a ripe tomato from the vine, loving the smell, "I told Abel I'd make tomato pie for dinner."

"You know, he asked me about Negan just awhile ago."

"Did he?"

"Yeah…" She looks me over, "Has he asked you?"

"Here and there." I

"And what did you tell him?"

"I told him his dad has his own place to run and would come when he had the time."

"Well, gee, that doesn't make Negan seem like an asshole."

"What?"

"What you said makes it seem like Negan's too busy to care."

"I didn't mean it like that and I'm pretty sure he didn't take it like that."

"Any word from him?"

I huff. "I haven't checked my cell phone in a minute."

"I meant the radio, smartass."

"No," I answer, picking another tomato, "I'm pretty sure it won't reach out this far."

She nods. "That why you've been all moody?"

"I have not been moody."

"Oh, please," She rolls her eyes, "You've been all lovesick since we got back. I know you better than you think."

I sigh through my nose. "I think he wants me to break and come to him."

"Negan?"

"Yes," I stick a few tomatoes in my bag, "I called his bluff when I left and now he's banking on me missing him or something."

"So, he hasn't come here to see you or the boys because he wants you to crack and go to him?"

"That's how it always was before," I shrug, "We'd argue or piss each other off and then it was just a waiting game to see who would go to who."

"Sounds healthy."

"You would know."

Lourdes chuckles. "Think maybe you two should grow up?"

"I'm an adult, Negan not so much." I smile as I take some cold, jarred milk that Lilka pasutrized a few days ago. "Thank you."

I head towards home and Lourdes walks with me.

"If you're an adult, then why are you still playing this game?"

"Because I don't know how to have anything else with Negan," I admit, "We can have a guilt-free relationship now and yet it still seems like we can't because of who we are."

"Long distance isn't so bad, I'm sure."

"He's got six wives."

"He said he wouldn't sleep with them."

I hear the try in her voice to make that sound believable.

"What if we don't know how to be in a normal relationship?" I look at her. "What if fighting and makeup sex is all we're made of?"

"I thought you said you didn't have sex with him while we were there?"

"I didn't, but you know what I mean."

"Too bad you can't just go away for the weekend like you could before, eh?"

I roll my eyes.

"Well, who always caved in more?"

"Negan."

"Well, then just bide your time a little more," Lourdes says, "You have what he wants and he's not good at resisting temptation."

"That's what I'm worried about." I open the door to the house.

"Radio him," She tells me, going in with me, "You don't know if it reaches that far out, unless you try."

"We'll see."

"We'll see about what?"

The two of us look over to the kids doing their homework.

"I got tomatoes for tomato pie." I say, bringing the canvas bag to the kitchen.

"Are you gonna radio Dad?" Abel asks me, apparently hearing what Lourdes said.

"Um, I don't know," I tell him, "We'll see. I might not be able to reach him."

"We should try anyway," Abel says, "You said it's better to try than not to."

I smile at him. "Yeah, I do say that."

"Let's try right now."

"We'll try after dinner."

"That's not for a long time!" He complains. "We haven't even had lunch yet!"

"You wanna try now?"

"Yeah."

I look at Lourdes, apprehensive. "Uh, okay."

We have a CB radio the truck, so I pull in front of the house. Abel climbs in.

"Where's your brother?"

"He's coming," Abel tells me, "He's got two more problems."

"Okay." I flick on the radio. I take up the handheld. "This is Pippa Barnes requesting The Sanctuary. Sanctuary, do you copy? Over."

We wait for response.

"Try it again."

"Give it a second, dude."

We wait some more, but there's no response, not even static.

"Call him again."

I put the radio to my mouth. "This is Halcyon requesting The Sanctuary. Sanctuary, do you copy? Over."

We wait. Nothing. I glance over at Abel, who looks disappointed.

"We're just too far, baby," I put my arm around him, "That's all."

"Why hasn't he come to see us?" He asks me, laying against me. "It's been a long time."

"I know," I kiss his head, "He's just busy is all."

"You're always busy," He says, "And you still hang out with us."

"I live with you, silly," I hold him close, "Of course I hang out with you."

He doesn't say anything to that. I look at him and can see that Lourdes was right. I shouldn't say Negan's too busy to come here.

"You know what?" I say, "I bet he's on his way here."

"Yeah, right."

"No, seriously," I mess his hair, "I bet he got lost."

"Lost?"

"Yeah, you're dad's one of those guys who doesn't like to look at maps or ask for directions," I smile at him, "I was with him the first time he came here, so he probably forgot how to get here and is having trouble figuring it out."

Abel sniffs. "Who would he ask for directions?"

"Biters."

He laughs and so do I.

"He wants to be here, I promise," I kiss his head again, "He's just lost."

"We should get him a compass," Abel says, "He gets lost a lot."

"Totally."

Abel's stomach growls. "Are you gonna make lunch?"

"Yeah, let's go."

We get out of the truck and as we do, Jolyon comes out of the house. "Did you reach him?"

"No luck."

"He forgot how to get here." Abel informs him.

"Oh." I hear the slight disappointment in his voice.

"Come on," I motion him, "Let's go make lunch."

…

After dinner, which was delicious if I do say so myself, and after Abel's been read to until he fell asleep, I warm water for a nice bath out back. Our bathtub is literally a large barrel trough in the back of the house. It's a pain in the ass to have to lug water around to the back to bathe, but whatever it takes I guess. I hung up some lines that drape linens over whenever we go back there for privacy.

It feels nice to soak in warm, almost hot water. The cold night air is the only downer, but you get used to it.

I can hear Lourdes talking to Cleo inside her house from here. She fucking loves that dog. I know she's anxious about Simon finding out. She's not said it, but I can tell by how extra loving she's been since we got back. Simon has no right to the dog now, but people never cease to amaze me in how awful and cruel they can be.

"Mom?"

I open my eyes. I see Jolyon's silhouette behind the linen. "Yeah?"

"I can't sleep," He says, "Can I sit out here for awhile?"

"Sure."

He sits down on the ground.

I stare, observing his shadow's movement. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't sound too sure of that." I reply. "What's up? You only have trouble sleeping when something's bothering you."

"...I'm sorry for going out with Rav and Nanda."

"Okay," I accept, "Is that it?"

"No…" He picks up a twig, or something, drawing in the dirt. "I don't know, maybe."

"I'm too good of a mother to believe that," I tell him, "You can't lie to me, so spill it, punk."

"...It's about Negan."

"What about him?"

"Do you remember before the change when you came to get me off the football field and I was crying?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Negan told me the truth on the bleachers," He reveals to me, "He told me that he was lying to Lucille when we was with us and that you and him weren't supposed to be together, which is why you told me to keep it a secret."

I feel my heart sink into my stomach. He had no right to tell my son that.

"When you took Abel to the bathroom when we got to The Sanctuary," He goes on, "He said that the change took a lot away from him, but it also gave him the chance to be better than he was before."Jolyon drops the twig. "He said he looked for us for years, hoping he could start over with us."

I look down into the dark water.

"He…"

I pick up my gaze. "He what?"

"He said he thought of me as a son and one day...he wanted Abel and I to take over The Sanctuary."

I furrow my brows. "He did?"

"Yeah…"

I bite my lip, mulling this information.

Jolyon gets up. "I'm gonna go to bed now."

"Wait," I call and he does, "Is that why you wanted to leave Sanctuary?"

Jolyon doesn't say anything. He walks off.

"Jolyon? Jolyon!"

"Pip?" Lourdes calls out. "You okay?"

I stand up out of the tub. "I'm fine."

I wrap the towel around me and step into my slippers. I hurry past the sheet. Lourdes jokingly wolf whistles on my way inside.

"Jolyon?"

I look over at Jolyon's bed where he lays with his back facing me.

"Jolyon?"

He doesn't respond. I know he's awake, but I'm not gonna press him to talk more.

… **One week later…**

We gathered a crew to go cut back and clear some branches from trees along our road. It happens everytime the weather gets nasty. Old or weak branches fall and it gets dangerous, as well as causes blocks on the road.

Today's no more pleasant. It's windy as fuck and the overcast sky looks like rain. There's been a little rumbling in the sky all day.

Lourdes stayed behind, because she's starting to get the sniffles. I drove in the truck on my own to be alone. I stop briefly to go pee. Two dead ones straggle towards me on their rotten limbs as I squat. I've got enough time to urinate before they get to me. I contemplate leaving them be, but I guess if I did, then they'll just be a problem later.

"Pippa, what's your location? Over."

I grab the radio as I get back in. "I stopped to take a leak. Over. You reach a road block? Over."

"Uh, yeah…" Paul retorts, "How far are you? Over."

"I'm coming down the hill now. Over."

"Roger that."

I drive up the small hill in the road and over it. Down the road, I see my team along with some fallen branches and...Son of a bitch.

I stop the car when I get to the block, knitting my brows. I get out.

I stare at the axes going up and down, up and down. "What is this?"

Negan turns and smiles that big grin of his. "Afternoon."

Un-fucking-believable!

"What are you doing here?"

"Providing a service," He does something fancy with his hand, "You're welcome."

I scoff. "We were on our way to do it ourselves."

"And now you don't have to," Negan smiles, "Once again, you're welcome."

"I'm not saying thank you," I tell him, "What are you doing here?"

"Is it a hearing issue, or a listening issue?"

"You didn't know about the branches," I huff, putting my hand on my hip, "So, once again, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you and the boys," He gets closer, "And to maybe snag a few fruits and veggies, because we're a little low."

"Assuming we have any to spare?"

"I think with the debt you're in, you'll find that you do."

"I wouldn't be cute, if I were you."

"So, you think I'm cute?"

I walk around to the bed of the truck, opening it up. "Get to work!"

The team moves to grab the equipment out of my flatbed.

"We've got it under control, baby."

"We're here to trim back the branches on the trees to prevent more falling onto the road," I rudely inform him, "I'm so glad you've got the easy part taken care of."

His tongue pokes into his cheek. "I can see the time away didn't change your attitude."

"Actually, it made it worse."

"I can see that," He says, "Mind taking me up the road to your spectacular slice of paradise?"

"You're a sit back and watch your people work kind of leader?"

"Best thing about being a leader," Negan grins, "You only gotta bring the hammer down to lay down the law."

"Mm."

"C'mon," He eggs, "Take me home."

"I've got work to do."

"There's more than enough hands on this project," He tells me, "In fact, too many hands, so they can afford to lose a pair."

I look past him. There are a lot of people. Negan brought about ten guys with him.

"If you've still got a bee in your bonnet and don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but at least let me spend some time with the kids."

I blink back to him, stubborn. "Paul!"

"Yeah!"

"I'm taking Negan up to Halcyon," I call, "He doesn't like to get his hands dirty."

"Got it, boss."

I smirk, heading to the front of the truck. Negan gets in on the passenger's side, along with his bat.

"Can't you put that thing in the bed?"

"Lucille's a lady and ladies ride up front," He says, resting his bat between his knees, "Besides, you want her rolling around the whole drive there?"

"Fair point." I fire up the engine.

"How's shit goin'?"

"That's what you have to say?" I look at him, incredulous, "You haven't seen me for a whole month and you ask me how shit's going?"

"Well, I was gonna tell you you look beautiful, but you own a mirror."

I scoff. "Real smooth."

"I know, right?"

"I'm practically an ocean over here."

"I wouldn't be surprised."

I roll my eyes. "How's the water situation?"

"They're making some serious progress," Negan informs me, "They got the water running, now all they gotta do is get it to run consistently and get the water heater to work."

I nod, breathing a sigh of relief. "So, they'll be done soon."

"Looks like it."

"Good."

Negan looks over at me. "Shit, you are mad."

"Yes, I am."

"About me waiting a month to make the drive out here?"

"We've got kids," I peer at him, "And they've been asking about you all month and all I can say is that you've been busy, or you forgot how to get here."

"I have been busy," Negan claims, "Despite what you think, I am a hands on leader and I've had my hands full."

"Full of ass." I murmur.

"What was that?"

"I asked how your wives are."

He huffs. "They're fine, thanks for asking," He looks out the window, "They're days are going by a lot slower without me poking into the coop."

"Huh."

"Don't believe me, if you don't want to, but it's the fucking truth."

"I didn't say I didn't believe you."

"Not in so many words."

My finger taps the steering wheel. "Jolyon told me you told him about the affair. Back before the change."

Negan doesn't say anything, which means he did.

"What the fuck gives you the right to tell my son-"

"The truth?"

"Yes."

He exhales, putting his hand over his eyes. "Lucille had gotten sick and I was on edge because of it, and I snapped at Jolyon that day and made him cry and I sat him down and it just came out."

"It just came out?" I arch my brow. "From what he told me you said, it seemed pretty intentional."

"I didn't know what to say," He says, "So, I said I was having a hard time because I knew I had to end things."

"So, you told him we were sleeping around behind your wife's back and that you couldn't be friends with us, with him, anymore, because what we were doing was wrong?"

"Seemed like a pretty plain and simple explanation of what we were doing."

"He was four, Negan," I scoff, "You think maybe you could've said something else?"

"Gee, I don't fucking know, Pippa, maybe my lack of experience in parenting had a fucking hand in my poor fucking judgement on words," He takes his hand off his eyes, "If it's any goddamn consolation, I told him it was my fault."

"Your fault?"

"Yeah, I told him it was my fault you and him were gonna get hurt, because I'm a selfish fucking asshole who hurts people I care about."

My nostrils flare as I drive. "...It was your fault."

"I know it was."

"But…" I bite my lip, "It was my fault for letting you get close to Jolyon."

"I shouldn't have hung out with him," Negan exhales, "I never screwed around with anyone and got to know their kids, but with you it was different because you weren't married and I...I liked you and I liked your kid. Some part of me knew it would eventually end, I shouldn't have gotten that involved."

I can't argue with that. "Did you tell him you wanted him and Abel to take over The Sanctuary one day?"

"I did."

"Without discussing it with me?

"Fuck, I have to discuss my hopes and asipriations with you?"

"When it involves my children, yes."

" _Our_ children," He corrects, "And I didn't know that you were the only fucking person in the entire fucking world that didn't know dads tend to want their kids to take over the family buisness."

"You're a gym coach."

"Was a gym coach," Negan chuckles under his breath, "Now, I'm the man who has it all in this fucked up world and I'd like for my sons to be this awesome one day, too."

I roll my eyes again. This is a

I-have-a-big-dick-and-I-need-people-to-know-it-through-my-offspring sort of thing.

"Not that they aren't already awesome," He says, "They've got two badass, standup, take what's yours, rad as fuck parents."

If I roll my eyes anymore, they're gonna get stuck like that. "Well...no more plans and delicate talks without me present or...at least knowing about it."

"So, I also fucking need your permission to bond?"

"You can bond without telling him his mother is a whore."

"I didn't say you were a whore," He smiles at me, "I told him you were an amazing woman and that I loved you."

"He didn't mention that."

"He knows you own a mirror."

I pull over to the side of the road.

"Why are we stopping?"

"I'm hungry," I reach down to the small cooler, "I'm gonna eat lunch real quick."

"We're like thirty minutes from your place," Negan points out, "Can't you wait?"

"No," I take out the sandwiches I packed, "Here."

"You packed two?"

"I thought Lourdes was gonna come."

Negan peers down into the cooler. "I see you also packed chips and what looks like shit with a lid on it. Very nutritious of you."

"It's hummus with kettle chips, jackass."

"Ah, so it'll be shit later on."

"Same as all food." I sink my teeth in.

"What's in this?"

"It's a BLT, genius."

"It's got sprouts and...what is that?"

"Cream cheese."

"Where the fuck did you get cream cheese?"

"We made it, you dumb fuck," I chew and swallow, "Duh."

Negan looks over at me. "You know something,I think you think you're bustin' my balls for not coming to see you."

"Is that what you think I'm thinking?"

"Yeah, and I've got news for you, light of my life, you're not pissing me off," He lets me know, "In fact, all you're doing is turning me on."

"What's new?"

Negan touches my thigh.

"I'm eating."

"I missed you."

"I'm sure you filled the void by filling someone else's void."

He chuckles. "I kept thinking about how stupid we were for leaving off like that."

"Hm."

"How stupid as fuck I was for not just swallowing my pride and making shit right with you."

"That was pretty stupid of you."

"You know, I told Jol all those years ago that in a different world, in a different life, we could have been a family," He stares out the windshield, "After Lu died and the world changed, I thought, as fucked up as it is, that this was that world and life I was talking about."

I glance over.

"I kicked my fuckin' ass up and down the halls that I let you go," He says, "I should have fought for it more. Us, I mean."

I look down. It is fucked up. Fucked up that the world is harsh and ironic. Fucked up that the only reason we can be together and act like the goddamn Partridge family is because Lucille got sick and died and the world fell apart.

"Did you think about me?"

I look up. "Yeah, I did."

"Good things?"

"No," I say honestly, "I thought about how angry I was at you for not coming to see the kids."

"I guess that's fair to some degree."

"And…" I look down at the hand on my thigh, breathing through my nose, "I missed you, too."

"So, you're not pissed that I'm here?" His dimples are showing. "You're...happy." His eyebrows raise on the word.

I can't help but smile. "Yeah, I'm a little glad."

He moves his hand to brush back my hair. "God, you're beautiful."

"I know, I own a mirror."

Negan laughs. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He leans over and kisses me. "I taste bacon on your breath."

I snicker. "You know, I read once that eight out of ten people would prefer bacon over sex."

"Baby, I ain't one of those eight."

"I am." I half-joke, taking a bite of my sandwich.

Negan laugh throatily. "I don't doubt it; I think you're favorite part about hooking up was the meals afterwards."

"Yeah, it's the only way I could stomach laying on my back, waiting for you to finish."

"You-" He breezes out a chuckle, "Fucking bitch."

I laugh.

"I saw you more horizontal than vertical," He starts to open his sandwich, "And when you were vertical, you had your legs wrapped around me, god bless you."

I set my sandwich in the seat beside us and start the car. I drive off road at the first opening in the woods I see.

"Where are we going?"

I don't answer as I carefully maneuver through the trees.

"Is this where you kill me in the woods and chop me into little pieces?"

"Would you shut up?"

"Hell, no, if you're gonna murder me, I'm gonna go down doing what the good lord intended me to do, which is to annoy the shit out of everyone I meet."

"Job well done."

He chuckles. "Seriously, where the hell are we going?"

"Just wait and see."

"No, I'd rather know now," Negan says, "I'm not a patient guy."

"Boy, don't I know it." I stop the car.

"What is this?"

"It's no place," I tell him, "Just some spot off the road." I slide over. "Move the bat."

"Lucille."

I meet his eyes. "Don't ask me to call it that."

"Her that."

"Negan."

"Pippa, this bat got me through," He tells me, holding her up by the end, "I...lost her and you were gone. I was alone and this bat saved my ass time and time again."

I look down at the ugly thing.

"She gave me strength in more ways than you can know," He continues, "Just like her."

I pick up my eyes. "When did you start calling it Lucille?"

"When I started talking to Lucille," Negan smoothes his thumb over the wood, "I guess I just sort of thought it was better to talk to something than to thin air, so I named her after Lucille."

He looks at me and smiles a little. "Between her and that damn cat, I stopped feeling alone and eventually I knew I could push on."

I smile meekly. As strange as it sounds, I think I understand. Negan has to talk to keep going. It's like how sharks have to perpetually swim or else they'll die. It might mean he's a little crazy for talking to an inanimate object and apparently a cat, but who hasn't gone a little batshit since the change?

I lean over and kiss his cheek. "Put her in the back."

"Alright, alright." Negan moves her into the backseat.

I lift my leg over him. He touches my hip and I put my lips on his. He reciprocates the kiss, putting his arms around my back.

"You really did miss me, huh?"

"Don't ruin it."

Thunder rolls outside. Our hands move all over each other. I reach for his belt when I feel him get hard under me. He undoes my pants.

"Wait," He tells me, "Wait."

"What?" I look at him.

"It's cramped in here."

"No, it's not."

"Yeah, it is."

"I'm straddling you and it's fine," I tell him, "There's plenty of room."

"Yeah, well, I sort of wanted top bunk."

I arch my brow. "Really? We're finally about to have sex and you're complaining about positions?"

Negan stares briefly, before going back to my pants. "...You're right, I'll shut up."

"Yeah."

"You gonna be able to get your pants off?"

"This isn't my first rodeo."

"And your boots?"

"Yeah, just give me a second."

"Watch your knee."

"I'm watching."

"Let me do it."

"No, I've got it."

"Watch your fucking knee!"

"Don't yell at me."

"Jesus, let me get your fucking boot."

"I know how to take my own shoes off."

"This is why we should've got out of the truck."

"You're not fucking me on pine needles like a fucking animal."

"I thought you liked that style?"

"God, you are such a-" I start when a biter slaps the window with it's grotesque hand. "Fuck!"

"Get off."

I reach down for the knife in my boot. "Crack the window a little."

Negan rolls down the window a smidge and the biter immediately goes for the opening.

I wait for it to move it's fingers, before jabbing the knife out the small opening. "A little more."

"Pip, it's right there. I'm not opening the window more."

I sigh, frustrated. I open the door and fling it out, knocking the dead down. I climb out of the truck. Before it has time to get up, I shove my boot down on it's chest, sticking my knife into its head. I wipe the goo on its shirt.

"Shit."

I look back. "Get out."

Negan gets out of the truck.

I walk around to the flatbed and let down the hatch. "You coming?"

He follows as I kick off my boots and set them to the side. I pull down my pants until their off. The cold raises goosebumps. The thunder gets louder.

I push myself up on the hatch, dangling my legs over. "Well?"

Negan looks me over.

"Are you gonna get to it, or…?"

He smiles, coming up to me. His hands roam as he kisses me passionately. "That was hot."

"Stop talking."

Negan pulls me closer to the edge. His fingers hook into my panties and pull them down. The truck bed hurts my ass, but I can ignore it.

"Wait, I don't have any condoms."

I let out a chuckle. "That's not funny."

"Then why are you laughing?" He kisses me.

I watch as he fiddles with his pants. "Wait."

"Okay, now it's not funny."

"No, I mean it," I put my hand on his chest, "Do we really want our first time after years of being apart be in the back of a truck?"

Negan looks me in the eye. "Does it matter?"

"It's not really...I don't know. Romantic."

"Is that how you pictured our first time, if we found each other?"

I shrug my shoulders.

Negan's finger traipses circles around my bare thigh. " 'Cause I always thought if I found you alive, I'd fuck your brains out until you couldn't walk straight for a week," He says, as if it's a perfectly innocent thing to say, "Save all that romantic crap for the rest of our lives."

I stare at him.

"Are we packing it up?"

I gently touch the lapels of his jacket. I grab hold of them and pull him close to me, crashing my mouth to his.

"Oh, baby." He exhales as he kisses the crook of my neck as we make out.

I reach down and finish unbuttoning his pants. I feel breathless.

"I want you."

"I could kiss a mouth like that."

"Stop, just…do it."

Negan reaches into his undone pants. I move closer and he helps me. The thunder booms again. Negan parts my legs and after some maneuvering, he's inside me.

I moan, holding him close.

"Did you just-?"

"Mhm," I nod my head, "Keep going."

"God, I love you." He kisses me, before he begins to thrust. He breathes and groans as he does.

I press my fingers into his back, wrapping my arms around him. I've wanted this for a long time.

Negan puts a hand to the bed of the truck to keep bucking, holding me with the other. He breathes out my name between the labored moans.

I shut my eyes, raking my hand through his hair I come again.

"Oh, Pippa."

"Don't stop."

He picks up the pace. "I love you."

"I love you, too," I rasp, "Don't stop."

Son of a bitch, I think I feel myself rolling up the hill again. I don't know if it's because it's been awhile or if it's because it's him, but my god.

"Harder!"

Negan puts his hands under my thighs and I wrap my legs around him. I come again and he stops abruptly, pulling away from me. He puts both his hands on the bed, panting.

I touch his hot face, kissing his lips that are salted with sweat. He puts his arms around me. I hold him as we catch our breaths.

"Jesus," He pants, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"I've had better."

"You came three times."

"I faked them all."

We both chuckle. "I love you."

I smile, locking his lips with mine.

We gather ourselves. It starts to rain, so we have to hurry to get into the truck, laughing.

The smile on my face hasn't left. It's mellowed, but it's still there. I tuck some damp hair behind my ear.

I glance over. "What?"

He's looking at me, smiling. It's making me blush. "You're glowing."

"I just had sex."

"Yeah," He grins, "Can't remember the last time I had sex that good."

"Do yourself a favor and don't bring up your wives."

"Sorry, I'm used to bragging."

"What did I just say?"

"I love you," He fixes the strand of hair back behind my hair, "You're a hell of a woman. My woman."

"You can't leave things nice, can you?"

"No, I don't think so."

I chuckle.

We might have gotten hot and heavy off the hatch of a truck, but this is still slightly romantic. I don't feel angry anymore. Maybe we did just need to fuck it out.

"The kids will be happy to finally see you."

"You smell smoke?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm smokin' hot."

"No, I'm serious," Negan rolls down his window, "I smell smoke."

I sniff the air. "Yeah, I smell it, too."

"Jesus."

"What?" I look over. Then I see the smoke.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: I think now that they did leave and are together again, things are definitely gonna be interesting. Pippa's people are likely learning how things work with the Saviors. She'll learn the same down the road.**


	14. Chapter 14

"Holy shit."

I stop the truck and get out, running over to the smoke and fire. "Paul? Paul!"

"Over here!" He coughs.

I cover my mouth and nose with my arm. "What the fuck happened?"

"Lighting struck the tree!" He grabs a shovel from the back of a truck and hurries towards the fire. I rush with him. "It knocked Graham and one of theirs out. The branch landed on top of both of them."

"Fuck." I run back to my truck to get another shovel.

"What the hell's going on?"

"There's a branch on top of two of our guys!" I yell, taking the shovel from the bed.

Negan grabs the handle and pulls me back. "The fuck are you doing?"

"Let go!" I tug back on the shovel. "They need our help."

"You're not fucking going back over there."

"The hell I'm not."

"They've got it," He insists, "Stay back out of their way."

I turn sharply to get in his face, but my eyes catch sight of something else. The dead are starting to wander over because of the smoke. Negan looks over his shoulder to follow my gaze.

"Oh, Christ." He groans.

I decide to redirect my attention to the dead to keep them from getting too close to the living handling all the chaos. Negan joins me and I sort of wish he wouldn't, because I swear I could take a fucking swing at him with this shovel. Kidding, but he drives me fucking crazy.

When they're all down, the two of us look at each other , breathless. I turn and immediately jog over towards the smoke of the now extinguished fire.

I cough as I slow to a walk when I see the fallen branch and the two men on the ground.I hear moans of agony and realize others were badly hurt in the mayhem. When I come up on the two, I don't have to ask, because it's obvious that both of them are dead. I stand with the rest of them, staring down.

Negan comes up. "Damn," He says, "Is that Terry?"

"Yeah." A Savior confirms.

"Shit."

"What do you want us to do with him?"

"Get him off the road," Negan orders, "Make sure he doesn't get up in an hour or two."

I look to him with furrowed brows. "You don't bury your dead?"

Negan meets my gaze. His blunt eyes imply an answer that I don't like.

One of my men crouches down beside Graham's body. He sticks a knife in the side of his head which makes me want to tear up, but I keep it together. He looks at the Saviors who sort of just stand there, so he does the same to the man beside Graham.

"Load 'em up," I say, walking back to my truck, "Both of them. Anyone who needs medical needs to head back now."

"Ma'am."

"Get this shit cleared off the road." Negan tells his men.

I hear footsteps against the gravel behind me and I know it's Negan. I walk around to the passenger's side. "You can drive."

Negan gets in on the driver's side. "Jesus, what a mess."

I look in the mirror. The smoke is disappearing, unveiling the shattered, charred splinters of tree. The living help gather up the injured, groaning in dead lay in front of us like flies all over the road and field. I lay my head in my hand with a deep sigh.

Negan exhales, irritably. "I wasn't gonna let you run towards fire, Pippa."

"That's not your call to make."

"You're a mother."

I roll my eyes. "Oh, don't fuckin' give me that shit. I wasn't gonna stand idly by while a tree trunk was sitting on top of people like you."

"Oh, fuck off."

"Get one thing straight," I look over at him, "You don't own me."

Negan glances over as if he didn't know that and isn't glad to hear it.

"I'm not your wife; I don't see a ring on my finger and even if I did, you still would never tell me what I can and cannot do."

He scoffs. "You fuckin' give me heartburn."

"What sort of people don't bury their dead?"

"The sort of people who have an incinerator."

"What?" I look at him in angry disbelief.

"It's no different than cremation."

"So, you have a bunch of urns lying around?"

"No, it's not like that," He says, "There's no use in keeping a bunch of human ash lying around."

"What do you do with them?"

"Scatter 'em outside the fences."

I turn my head forward. "You fuckin' dump 'em like trash."

"Why don't we just drop it?" He suggests. "I don't have enough fucking energy to play this game with you. You treat dead people better than we do. There; you fuckin' win."

"Just shut up and drive."

"Gladly."

We arrive at Halcyon half an hour later. People are surprised and, needless to say, not happy to see Negan's grinning face. He greets people with a smart friendliness that I know is his asshole arrogance again. He really can't leave things nice.

"Why don't you go back to my house?" I shortly tell him.

"You aren't coming?"

"I have to go see Graham's wife," I tell him, "She's got a sixth month old baby."

Negan nods and heads towards my house, where the boys will be. He strolls down the road with his bat on his shoulder, whistling a tune I've heard him use before to intimate students.

A knot forms in my stomach as I walk to where Graham lived to inform his wife, Lisa, of what happened. I tell people to prepare two graves in our graveyard towards the back of Halcyon on my way. People ask who and their faces fall when they learn.

They live in an apartment upstairs in what used to be a brothel. The rooms are a good size for a small family. I knock on the door and she answers, holding the baby, Alice.

"Hey, Pippa."

I smile a little, petting the baby's foot. "How's it going?"

"Good, good," She balances Alice on her hip, "Her ear infection's gone away, so she's sleeping through the night again, thank god."

I snicker. "That's good."

"Did you come back early?" She asks.

My smile wanes. "Um, yeah, the team is packing up now."

"Oh." She nods.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course," She steps aside, "You want anything."

"No, thank you," I take a breath, "I just want to talk."

…

The whole of the community stands at the graves of the two men who died this afternoon. Humble crosses were fastened out of wood. A couple of us said a few words about Graham. Lisa's despair upsets the baby, so Lourdes takes her to shush and calm her, so that Lisa can cry.

The Saviors say nothing about their fallen member. I'm not even sure all of the ones that came with Negan came to the funeral. Negan did and said something, but it was clear that he didn't know him too well. All he said was that he was a good soldier and seemed to have a thing for brunettes and canned sausages.

"May he rest here in peace next to the guy who bit it beside him." Negan says with little reverence.

Flowers are laid down on the mounds of dirt after and we all disperse solemnly. Lydia offered to go over to make sure Lisa and Alice are okay. I think she'd rather not come back to my house while Negan's there.

There were people injured when the lightning struck the tree, so I allowed for the Saviors to get the medical attention they needed and guaranteed them at least one night in recovery.

We walk home in silence, which isn't far from the site. Lourdes, despite having a cold, made lasagna for dinner with garlic bread, so we can smell the aroma before we can see the house.

"I want you both to wash up for dinner, okay?"

"Okay." The boys say in near unison.

"Alright, get going."

The two go ahead of us.

Lourdes looks over at the two of us beside her. "I take it your men need somewhere to sleep for the night?"

"They can camp out under the stars like last time," He peers over at her with a grin, "Unless you wanna house 'em at your place, madam."

She rolls her eyes. "Fucking asshole."

"Can I talk to you alone?"

"Sure."

"Not you. Lourdes." I scoff, "Walk home."

"Yes, ma'am." Negan winks, before walking off.

Lourdes watches him for a minute. "You didn't."

I knit my brows. "What?"

"Please tell me you didn't have sex with him."

"Wha-?" I scoff. "What?"

"Ah, Dios mio!" She groans. "You think I don't know when that asshole got his rocks off?"

I huff.

"I think you forget that I used to have sex with him, too, and I know when he's in his post-sex good mood."

"I…" I sigh, "Okay, yes, we had sex."

"I thought you-"  
"Yeah, I know what I said before, but old slutty habits die hard, alright?"

"Unbelievable."

"Oh, don't judge me," I snap, "You have more men come fix your ceiling fan than anyone I know."

I catch sight of the house.

"Besides, I wasn't just having an affair with Negan," I remind her, "I was in love with him. We have a son together. I thought he was dead, I think I'm entitled to a little romp in the woods."

"I think I'd rather you romp with Martin."

"Why is that?"

"Because I like Martin," She says, "I think you and him are good together."

"We're not together," I scoff, "Never have been."

"You've had sex," She points out, "And I've seen the stolen glances and the cute back and forth between you two."

"Martin and I are nothing," I say, irritated, "Especially not now. Negan and I are trying to figure things out."

"You really think that after all these years, you and him are gonna live happily ever after?"

"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders, "I know things are complicated, but I made a promise that I would keep him close."

"To Lucille?"

I hear Negan's laugh from inside the house. "Are you gonna have dinner with us, or not?"

"What do you think I'm your maid?" Lourdes scoffs. "Of course I'm gonna have dinner with you. I cooked the damn meal."

I smile a little. "You sure don't let being sick keep you from firing off."

"It's just the sniffles," She sniffs, "Let's go eat."

We open the door to the house. Negan's got Abel upside down by the ankle.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Negan looks over. "Oh, you know, just mugging this kid for all he's got."

"Put him down before you drop him," I command, going over to the sink to wash my hands, "Jesus Christ."

"Oh, quit your bitchin'," Negan says, carefully setting Abel down, "We were having fun."

"Yeah!" Abel chimes in.

"Yeah, dad fun which is the most irresponsible and most dangerous kind of fun."

"I was gonna teach him how to knife fight after dinner, but I'm guessing that's a no?"

"Ha-ha."

"Dad said he's gonna spend the night," Abel comes over to the kitchen, "Is that true?"

"Yeah, it's true," I confirm, "Did either of you boys wash up?"

"No."

"No?" I look over at Negan. "Good look out, daddy-o."

"Hey, you told them to wash up and they went ahead," He defends, "I got here like a minute before you did."

"Yeah, it wasn't Dad's fault," Abel claims, "We just didn't listen."

"Well, go listen now and wash up," I point, "You, too, Jol."

Jolyon gets up from the couch, where he had been watching with a smile as his brother was being suspended by the ankle.

"You staying for dinner, Lour?"

Lourdes scoffs at Negan with her arms folded. "Uh, yeah, I'm staying."

I can already hear her say " _Where the hell does he get off? Asking me if I'm staying, acting like he fucking lives here?"_

Negan smiles. "Hope this won't be awkward, having two of my-"

"Shut it." I warn him. I shoo him with my hand. "Why don't you go wash your hands for dinner? Your hands are probably filthy."

Negan chuckles, turning to go wash. "I think you know just how filthy they are."

"Go!"

I look to Lourdes and feel slightly embarrassed, but I roll my eyes anyway.

Lourdes and I set the table and when the boys dry their hands, they pitch in. Negan's the only one who thinks he's fucking above lifting a finger. It pisses me off, but I know Lourdes is fuming. She can't stand when men sit on their ass while women do things around the house. I think it stems from past experiences. Also, it's annoying as fuck.

"So, Lourdes…" Negan begins.

I shoot him a look to warn him and he grins.

"Yes?" She goads, annoyed.

"Any beaus in the last few years?"

She cocks an eyebrow at his friendly face that is not even trying to conceal that he's taunting her. "Who's asking?"

"I'm asking," He replies, "I wanna know what you've been up to."

"You, or Simon?"

"What the fuck did I just say?"

I clear my throat. "Watch your mouth."

"Sorry, honey," Negan looks back to Lourdes, "Why would you assume I was asking for Simon?"

"Because why the heck would you care?" She asks. "And because he was oh-so-casually making inquiries while I was at the hell trap of a factory you call an accomplishment."

"Lourdes."

She apologizes by rolling her eyes and sighing.

Negan chuckles. "Well, shit, I see you haven't lost your temper or your mouth."

She scoffs.

"Good to see; those were always your most attractive qualities."

I look at him. Lucille, Lourdes, Me. Fuck, he has a type.

"Wish I could say you had any," She retorts, poking her food, "And to answer your question; I am perfectly happy being single after years of being chewed up and spit out by buttheads who weren't worth the time."

"Why would non-dead people bite you?" Abel asks her.

"It's an expression, sweetie."

"Is it?" Negan grins.

I kick him under the table. "That's enough."

Lourdes bitterly sticks a forkful of lasagna into her mouth.

"So, what you're saying is that you and Pippa could've started a fire with how dry things were between the two of you?"

Lourdes glares at him. "I didn't say I didn't dabble, I just said I'm not in a relationship, asshole."

"Lourdes."

"Sorry," She redirects to Negan, "You big jerk."

He snickers, satisfied that he got under her skin.

"Why don't we talk about something else?" I strongly suggest to both of them. "Something kid friendly."

"Alright," Negan agrees, "Shoot."

I stick my tongue in my cheek.

"It's sad that Graham died." Abel says.

I look over and smile gingerly. "Yeah, he was a good man."

"He was starting a bad with Martin and Connor and, um, and Marianne."

I smile.

"He played harmonica."

"Yeah."

"He was cool."

Lourdes pet his head and plants a soft kiss on it.

"Hey, don't get lasagna in my hair."

"I won't."

"There's always food on your face." Abel brushes a hand through his hair and we laugh.

"Te amo, Abel."

"Te amo," Abel repeats, "Hey, will that guy get moved to the churchyard at Dad's place?"

"No, silly, he's gonna stay put," I side-eye Negan, "Dad's place doesn't have a place to bury the dead."

"Why not?"

"Dad?" I look at Negan.

Negan bites his tongue, before looking at Abel. "Because we don't have the space for one."

"Oh," Abel nods, "What do you do with people that die?"

Negan shifts his jaw. "We, uh, cremate them."

"What's that?"

"It's when you set their bodies on fire until they turn to ash."

Abel's eyes widen. "Ew."

"It's not so bad."

"What do you do with them after?" Jolyon asks him.

"We scatter them," Negan answers, "That's what your supposed to do with ashes."

"Gee, I thought people kept them in urns to have them close and remember them by?" Lourdes jabs. Negan looks at her and she smirks. "Good thing your dude died nearer to us."

He picks up his glass of water, pointing a finger. "Yeah, you know what? You're right."

We both look at him with furrowed brows.

"It is a good thing Terry was buried here," He says, "Having one of us here ties our community together, don't you think?"

I share a look with Lourdes.

 **...**

I cut the rest of the lasagna out of Lourdes' pan and place it in one of my own.

"The hell are you doing?"

"Sh! Abel's sleeping."

Negan checks over his shoulder towards the couch where Abel's asleep. "Sorry."

"I'm gonna take the rest of this to Lisa."

"She the widow?"

"Yeah."

"Didn't that cute babysitter go over there to comfort her?"

"Cute?" I raise my brow at him. "You think Lydia's cute?"

"Yeah," He sips his coffee, "Is that a problem?"

"It might be for you," I put a lid on my container, "Not for me; I'll do well."

"Oh, relax," Negan chuckles, "I'm kidding."

"I don't think you were."

"You know you're the one that I want."

"I'll be right back."

"Think you should?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Give her some space," He says, "The lady just lost her husband."

"She's got a baby."

"Yeah, and someone else looking after her. Don't smother her with pity."

"Is that how you do shit?" I put my hand on my hip. "You just leave people alone? You don't give your condolences."

"Oh, don't get me wrong," He smiles, "There's nothing I love more than a widow."

I give him an unamused look.

"But I'm not gonna hover around people, telling 'em how fucking sorry I am about their loss, blah, blah, blah."

I twist my mouth to the side, looking down at the lasagna. "Maybe I'll go tomorrow."

"That'd be a good call."

I stick the dish in the fridge. "I'm going to bed." I tread across the room. "Don't stay up too late, Jol."

"Okay, goodnight."

"Night."

I go to the bedroom, stretching my neck here and there.

"Sweet dreams, kid." Negan walks into the room as well, shutting the door behind him.

"What are you doing?"

"Hittin' the hay," Negan sets his bat down against the dresser, "Same as you."

"No, I mean, you closed the door," I say, "Abel's on the couch."

"I thought you put him there, so I could sleep here?"

"No, he tuckered out and fell asleep there," I kick off my shoes, "I was gonna make you sleep outside. Chain you up, so you don't run off."

He laughs as he takes off his jacket.

"What if he wakes up?"

"Jol's right there," He retorts, "And he's got legs, he can walk five feet to the door."

"I don't know…"

"Oh, Jesus," Negan huffs, "He'll be fine. He can tough it out."

I scoff. "I don't see why we need the door closed. It's not like we're gonna do anything that requires it."

He chuckles. "Because we're adults and are entitled to a little privacy," He walks over to me, "And don't be so sure we won't get a little close."

"I'm very sure." I traipse past him to drop my clothes in the basket. I yawn, moving around him.

He stops me by the waist. "You know what's a better sight than you taking me in the back of a truck?"

"You literally sleeping outside for saying something like that?"

He smiles. "No, you waking up next to me."

"Oh, you're trying to be sweet."

His touches the small of my back to bring me close. "I'm trying to get you to stop being mad at me."

"Can't be done, sugar," I drape my arms over his shoulders, "I'm afraid that ship has sailed and sunk."

Negan snickers, kissing me. "Maybe, but I like trying anyway," He pecks my lips, "I want to make you happy. You're my girl."

I smile. "You're lucky I'm a bit of a slut, otherwise all that wouldn't work on me."

"Damn, I didn't even get to the good stuff I prepared."

I chuckle, kissing him back. "Well, you got a way with words."

Negan steps back, sitting on the bed. I put my knee between his legs, straddling him. He turns, shifting both of us as he lies back.

When he's on top of me, I open my eyes, looking up at him. "Is this the romantic crap you were saving for later?"

He smiles and laughs quietly with me, touching my forehead with his. "I fuckin' love you."

…

The morning air smells like a campfire. I opened a window last night to let some air in. It was a little noisy because of the Saviors camping outside, but I was so beat, I drifted off and didn't wake up until this morning.

"What time is it?"

"Five-fifteen."

"That's too fucking early." I groan, moving his roaming hand off my leg. "You woke me up, pervert."

"I'm not doing anything," He says, "I was just moving my hand."

"Yeah, across my leg."

"Re-fucking-lax, I'm not doing it to be a pervert," Negan breathes, "I'm just laying here with you."

"Well, it's weird, so cut it out."

"God, you complain more than any fucking person I know." He settles his arm around me.

I shift my naked body. "Do you remember the first time we met?"

"Yeah," Negan says against my skin, "You left your purse in the booth at that pancake house after you stormed out because your waitress made a stink about something Jolyon said."

"Yeah."

"What about it?"

"Nothing, I just had a dream about it, that's all."

"Huh."

"You remember the time we went to that motel?"

"I'd sooner forget it."

"Why? We had some pretty great sex there."

"Yeah, and you almost had the cops called on us."

"Almost, but didn't."

"I almost ended shit with you."

I open my eyes, looking over my shoulder. "You did?"

"Yeah, that was one of the worst times I have ever had with you. Or any woman for that matter."

"Oh."

"You were drunk, you were high, you were fucking loud, and buck fucking naked with the door open."

I feel a small blushing in my cheeks.

"I had never been with anyone as screwed up as you," He goes on, "I left the motel thinking I couldn't deal with your shit and didn't fuckin'want to."

"What made you decide not to dump me?"

"The next time I saw you," He says with a smile in his voice, "You were all ass-chapped that Jol was being independent and didn't want your help."

"What?"

"Yeah, you damn near started bawling," He chuckles, "I thought it was cute. Endearing."

I roll my eyes. "You're making fun of me."

"No, I mean it," Negan stops me from turning back over, "I was gonna tell you to fuck off, but when I saw that, I…"

"You what?"

He sighs, looking off and then looking down at me. His smiles softens. "I changed my mind. I liked you too much and seeing that side of you made me realize that just because you were a drunk didn't mean that you weren't a decent woman and a good mother."

"Decent?"

"You were sleeping around with me and some other guy."

I scoff, incredulous.

"Cool it, I'm not calling a slut, I meant you lacked good judgment."

"Wow, I'm glad you explained that to me. I feel so much better."

"We're in the same boat."

"Yeah, well, I'm abandoning ship."

"God, you need to simmer the fuck down," He chuckles, pulling me close, "You're so quick to fucking anger."

"You make it easy."

"I meant it to be a good thing."

"Hm."

Negan kisses the crook of my neck. "I love you. Temper and all."

"We're not having sex."

"Why not?" He trails his hand. "It's early. The boys are still asleep and we proved we can be quiet as fornicating church mice."

I turn to face him. "We did it twice last night. That's three total for yesterday, which if you think about it is damn fucking lucky for you that I even let you touch my leg, so be grateful for what you do get."

"I'm getting all my 'hey, you're alive' excitement out."

"Well, you can always think of me when you're alone."

"Thanks for the permission, but I was already doing that."

"Gross."

"You just said-"

"I know what I said," I laugh, "I just hate hearing you confirm it."

"When will I win with you, woman?"

"Never, I'm too competitive and I don't impress easy."

"Says the woman who said she was a slut for nice words."

"Only from you and only when I know they're genuine," I poke my finger to his chest, "You suck at romantics and common sense, so I take what I can get."

"Aw, you're sweet talking me."

I chuckle, touching his arm. "Someone's got to love you. It might as well be me."

I look down between us, even though the blanket blinds me from our lower halves.

"What?"

I look up. "I told you I'm not having sex."

"I didn't do it on purpose," He says with a grin, "It got excited from all the talking and rubbing up against you."

"Well, get rid of it."

"How?"

"What do you mean how?"

"Anytime I have a hard on, I either have sex or jerk off."

"Think of something that's a boner killer," I tell him, "Like that I've got stretch marks from having kids and my tits aren't as perky from breastfeeding."

"That shit doesn't bother me," Negan says, "You've always had stretch marks for as long as I've known you and I like your tits."

"What about my cellulite?"

"What cellulite?"

"Good, I was just checking."

"Checking what?"

"To see if you still thought I was attractive after four years of wear and tear."

"Did you lose your fucking marbles?" He furrows his brows.

"Hey, I had to check if your sword withdrew from the duel."

"Well, it didn't."

"I know, I can feel it."

"If anything, it's more eager for the fight."

"You think I'm still beautiful?"

"What the fuck have I been saying to you all this time?" He takes me in his arms. "You're beauty incarnate."

I smile. "Man, you're good."

"You know, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere soon."

"No." I kiss his lips. "What should we do about that?"

"Well, I'm not gonna sit here and jerk it while you're in bed, so why don't you give me a hand?"

I cock my brow. "Really? You don't want to, you know…" I make creaking sounds.

"You said you weren't going to."

"Yeah, but that was before you kept poking me with your pork sword."

He laughs. "We've got time."

"Yeah," I hoist my leg onto his hip, "Better get to it."

Negan kisses me, using my leg to bring me closer. He moves himself on top of me. He trails kisses down my neck, my breasts, down to my navel. I shut my eyes when he enters me, trying not to moan.

The bed really does creak when he starts to thrust. "Sh, we're gonna wake the kids."

"I am going slow."

"Well, slower than, speed demon," I whisper sharpily, "It's not a race."

"I'd hope not," He thrusts a little gentler, "It'd be a damn embarrassment if I got to the finish line before you did."

I chuckle in his ear. "Well, then take it easy."

He kisses my neck and finds a better pace that won't haunt our children.

I have to admit, Negan is probably the best there is. I'll never fully admit that to him, he doesn't need anymore reason to be cocky, but he is good. The way he moves makes me ache. I hold him close.

Just when things are starting to get good, there's a knock on the door. Negan stops and looks at me.

"Mom?"

"It's Abel." I mouth.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"I'm thirsty."

"O-okay, give me a minute, I'll come get you some water."

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, hold on, okay?"

"Okay."

I glance back at Negan.

"I'm almost there," He murmurs, "I just need two or three seconds."

"Negan, he's like right outside."

"I'll be quiet."

I sigh, licking my lips. I nod my head and lay there, while he bucks four more times, before he grunt and exhales.

"You done?"

He nods his head. "Yeah."

"Are you embarrassed?"

"You didn't?"

"Nope."

"I can finish you off, if you want."

"No, you can't, our boy needs water," I tell him, "you'll just have to stand in the town square with a sign around your neck in shame."

"I'll make it up to you."

"Mhm." I peck his lips, "Get off me."

"Hang on." He reaches down to the floor. He grabs my shirt and uses it to clean up.

"Hey!"

"I've only got one shirt here and I've gotta put it back on."

"Well, you should have thought about that." I smack his arm.

"You don't want me to use the sheets."

"Get off me." I roll out of bed.

"Are you mad or do you just have blue lips?"

The door knob turns and the door starts to creak open.

"Hey, hey, hey!" I call out. "Don't come in! I'm putting my bra on."

"Sorry."

I walk my naked ass over to the dresser for underwear, a bra, and pajamas that don't have Negan's spill all over them.

"You really need to teach the kids to knock."

"He did knock."

Negan gets dressed. "Yeah, well...if I had a nickel for every time we've been almost walked in on."

"Story of my life," I murmur, "Welcome to parenthood."

Once I'm dressed, I walk out of the bedroom. "Alright, let's get some water."

"How come you let me sleep on the couch?"

"Um, because I didn't want to wake you."

"Oh," Abel says, following me, "It was pretty comfy."

"Oh, yeah?" I chuckle, getting a glass from the cabinet.

"Is it seven yet?"

"Mm, no, it's only five-forty."

"So, we can go back to sleep?"

"Yeah." I yawn.

"Do I have to sleep on the couch?"

"No, you can sleep with me and your dad."

…

After breakfast, I walk to the hospital to check on the welfare of the people injured yesterday. It's a mix of burns and cuts. One guy has an eye patch because a sliver wood had gotten in his eye during the lightning strike. Another has third degree burns.

Meredith informs me that the two shouldn't travel for a few days, so I'll let them stay until they can.

Going back to the house, I see the boys kicking around a ball with Negan.

"Looks like you're better with a bat."

"Hey, Southcastle didn't have a soccer team," He defends, "And where were you?"

"At the hospital, checking on your men."

"And?"

"Two of them have to stay."

"For how long?"

"At least until the doctor says they're clear."

"We've gotta doctor."

"Our doctor says they can't go until she says so."

"So, you're holding my men for ransom?"

"We're treating patients," I smile at him, "Guess you'll have to stay."

"Actually, darlin', I'm heading out."

My smile disappears. "What?"

"I gotta head back to The Sanctuary," He tells me, "Can't be gone for too long, or that place becomes a circus."

"But you said you came to see the boys?" My eyes turn to the boys, who continued the soccer game without Negan.

"I'll be back for my guys," He says, "And maybe, if your team gets the water heater fixed, I'll be bringing 'em back to trade off."

"But you didn't even spend a full day with them," I argue, "We had the funeral and...I thought you were staying longer."

He smiles. "Aw, are you gonna miss me?"

"I…" I can't believe he's really gonna just leave. "I'll see you when I see you, I guess."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Take it however you want," I turn around, "I've got to go. I've got work to do."

Negan goes back to play with the kids.

I stalk off, trying not to let the tears rise. I should have known better. I regret letting my guard down.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Yeah, they finally did the deed. But, unfortunately it's only gonna make things worse and more complicated with the two.**


	15. Chapter 15

I put my hair up without a mirror and then put some socks on my feet. I sigh, lazily puckering my lips as I do.

Abel pads into the room quietly.

I turn. "Brushed your teeth?"

"Yeah."

"You went pee?"

"Yep."

"Did you wash your hands after?"

He nods his head before climbing up onto the bed. "Uh-Huh."

"Honest?"

"Honest."

I put my hands on my hips, thinking. "Hm…you tell your brother goodnight?"

"Mom." He groans.

I smile. "Alright, alright," I go over to the bed, "Do you have your book?"

"Mm, no."

"Why not?"

He shrugs as he settles down under the covers. "I forgot it."

"Go get _Sorcerer's Stone_."

"I don't feel like that one tonight."

"You love Harry Potter."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to read it tonight."

"How come?"

"I don't know, just don't."

I settle down in bed, propping my head. I pet his head calmly. "What's the matter, baby?"

He shrugs, fiddling with one of the yarn tassels off the throw blanket.

"You can tell me," I softly tell him, "What's wrong?"

Abel twists his mouth.

"Is it because Dad left?"

"...Yeah." He admits.

"You miss him?"

Abel shrugs again. "He was only here for one day."

"I know." I say, sympathetic.

"He didn't say when he'd comeback," He looks over with big eyes, "Why didn't he stay longer?"

"Um, well, he had to go back to being a leader at his place."

Abel looks down at the tassel between his fingers. "I wish he would move closer."

I sigh for him. "I know."

"He's really fun," He says, "And cool."

"Oh, I bet he'd love to hear that." I smile, knowing Negan's ego takes all it can. I think he especially like when kids think he's cool.

"I want him to like me."

"He likes you."

"Really?"

"Of course," I assure him, "He searched for you for all these years."

"He knew I was alive?"

"He never stopped looking and...rebuilding civilization for when he found us."

"No, I mean, how did he know I existed, if he got lost before I was born?"

"Oh, because I left him a note before we had to leave," I explain, "I told you that before, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Abel replies, "You think he really likes me?"

"Without a doubt, silly."

"Like Jolyon?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, 'cause I think he likes Jolyon more than me."

"What?" I furrow my brows. "Why on earth would you think that?"

He shrugs. "He always asks Jolyon if he wants to play catch and not me."

"They invite you."

Abel drops the tassel. "But he always asks Jol."

I stroke his head. "Baby, that doesn't mean your dad likes Jol better. That's just their thing; they used to play all the time before the change. He's just trying to reconnect with your brother, that's all."

"Well, I want him to have a thing with me." Abel complains with soft jealousy.

"Okay, well, I'm sure you and your dad will find something to bond over."

"No, because he's always busy." His voice cracks.

I breathe. "Come here."

Abel rolls my way into my arms. He buries his face.

I hold him, rubbing his back. "Don't cry, baby. It'll get better. We just haven't figured it out yet."

He sniffles against me. Not for long though; he falls asleeps fairly quick after the day he had with Negan.

I feel bad for him. It is hard that Negan lives so far away. I've proved time and time again that I can single mom the hell of out these kids and I know that in the past I've been standoffish about wanting help. But sobering up really changes your perspective on a lot of things.

For example, I never thought I'd ever love anyone other than Dwight and spent years numbly dodging relationships that lasted more than a night, before I got sober and met Negan.

It's not necessarily that I need Negan's help raising the boys, but I know he wants to be apart of their lives and I want the kids to be happy. They've both been asking about him for years.

I'd never tell Abel this, of course, and I think Jolyon was already catching on, but I had given up on finding him, just as he had on us. Neither of us can be faulted for that. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that I'd find him, if I found him in a position where we couldn't be together.

And I never thought I'd have to constantly battle in my mind whether or not I trust him.

…

After breakfast, I sit down with the boys for school. Jolyon and Abel are the oldest kids in Halcyon. People are just now coming around to feeling safe enough to have kids. I don't mean to brag, but the babies born here that were intentionally made might be because of me. A lot of people were in awe when they learned that I had Abel at the beginning of all this and raised two young kids nomadically until I came here. I personally don't consider myself a badass for that. I had to do what I had to do.

Since Jol and Abel are the oldest and Lourdes and I are the only teachers here, there's no school, so she and I switch off on the boys' schooling. Ravinder is really sharp on the sciences, so she enjoys teaching them on that subject. She's learning medicine and studying holistic medicine practices under Meredith.

After I'm done homeschooling the boys, I decide to pop into the hospital to see how the men that were admitted here are doing. They've been here for almost a week and, if I'm being honest, I haven't been in everyday to see them. Or at all.

"Morning."

"Morning, Pippa." Meredith greets at her desk.

Ravinder is getting supplies out of the cabinets. "Hey."

"Hey," I glance over at the two men, "How are things?"

"They can go back to their people anytime," Meredith informs me, "No infections, everything's healing nicely."

"Good."

"Are you gonna fucking tie it right this time?"

I look over. The man with the bandage around his eye is speaking to Ravinder.

"Last time, you had it so tight, my brains were bulging out of my good eye."

Meredith gives me a curt smile. "Anytime."

"How's it look, honey?"

"Um-"

"Excuse me," I call over, "She has a name and when she is cleaning out your nasty ass eye, you will show her the respect and call her by it."

The man with the burns snickers at the other.

"Got it?"

"Sure thing," He replies dryly, "Ma'am."

I look back at Meredith. "I take it they've been just wonderful this past week."

"Charming."

I huff. "I'll see about getting them home."

"Thank you."

"How much of our meds have they used up since they got here?"

"Well, I've had to prescribe meds to those of ours who got hurt."

"But you kept track of what they've used separately?"

"Of course," She lifts up her notebook and slides out a paper underneath, handing it to me, "Here you go."

I read the paper. "This is substantial."

"Well, one had to have his eye removed and the other was treated for severe second and third degree burns."

I nod my head. I look over again and see the burned man staring at me. I walk over. Ravinder's carefully removes the bandages from the other.

I clear my throat. "How are you feeling?"

"My skin itches like a son of a bitch, but other than that I'm peachy keen."

I nod. "Good."

"Think these'll scar, doc?" He addresses Meredith, referring to the healing burns that cover most of his arms, the left side of his chest and neck.

"Majority of the burn is second degree," She tells him, "Some of its superficial, but you'll likely scar in the deeper areas."

The man shrugs. "Well, could be worse, I guess." He grins. "I could look like D."

"Yeah," The other man chuckles, "Although, having a fucked up face didn't stop him from getting Laura. She's a hot piece of ass."

"Yeah."

I knit my brows. "What happen to-"

"Pip?"

I turn my head. Lourdes is standing in the doorway. "Yeah?"

She peers over at the two men and then me. "A minute?"

"Yeah." I follow her out.

"Don't tell Laura I said she was a hot piece of ass." The man says to the other.

"What's up?" I ask Lourdes outside.

"They good to go home yet?"

"We were just talking about that," I tell her, "I'm gonna figure it out."

She nods her head. "Good."

"Is that all?"

"No," She looks back to me, "You've got company."

I tuck some hair behind my ear. "Negan?"

Lourdes rolls her eyes. "Calm down. It's not Negan."

"Oh." I look down, feeling stupid.

"It's Jesus."

I blink up. "Jesus?"

"Yeah," She nods, "He climbed the wall and landed like a cat in your backyard while I was doing laundry."

I head towards my house. "Did he say what he wanted?"

"He asked if you were here."

"Okay, thanks."

"He knows the Saviors were here," She tells me, looking back, "And are here."

"Alright," I exhale, "Where are the kids?"

"Doing the chores you wrote out for them this morning."

"Good." I see a tall figure through the windows of my house.

"I'm coming with you," She says, still following me to my house, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

I arch my brow, glancing over at her before going in. Jesus is holding a book from the book shelf, looking over it's old, fabric cover.

"Long time, no see."

He peers my way. "It's nice to see you, too."

I cross my arms. "If you came here for more supplies, I'm sorry to say that I have nothing for you."

"Because you have to save it for the Saviors," He says with pity in his eyes, "I know, I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I ask him.

"I'm sorry that they got to you," Jesus sighs, putting the book back on the shelf, "I thought if you turned back soon enough, they wouldn't find you."

I lick my lips, glancing down as I nod.

"...You didn't turn back?"

I sigh through my nose. "No, we didn't. We got caught scoping them out."

Jesus scoffs. "Pippa, I told you not to go after them; that they would ruin your life."

"Yeah, well...I thought we could handle it."

Lourdes gives me a look that Jesus apparently sees.

His eyes shift from her to me. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You're lying," He says, "I've known you for years, Pippa."

I shrug. "We made a deal with Negan."

"Negan?" Jesus raises his forehead. "The real Negan, or-"

"The real Negan."

Jesus looks towards the windows. "I saw the new graves."

"That wasn't Negan," I say, "One of ours and one of his got killed trimming down trees on the road."

He knits his brows, confused. "What? You mean like they were working together?"

"That's right," I nod, "We made a deal. They had the meds we needed."

"Medicine they took from us."

I bite my tongue. "We agreed to pay off what we owe."

He huffs, incredulous. "And then what?"

"And then...we go from there."

"What does that mean?"

I breathe, glancing briefly at Lourdes. "It means they agreed to trade with us once the debt is paid off."

Jesus looks off in disbelief. "You made a deal with the Saviors? With Negan?"

"Yes."

He scoffs again, looking me straight in the eye. "They're lying to you. _He's_ lying to you."

"No, he's not."

"Yes, he is," Jesus argues, certain, "We've been providing for them for a while now, Pippa. They aren't interested in trade or working together. They only take."

"Maybe with Hilltop, but Negan and I talked and we shook on it."

"Well, he's lying to you, Pippa," He insists, "Or, he's gonna twists his words to fit double crossing you."

I feel myself getting angry. "Look, I struck a deal that was best for my people," I tell him, "One where no one had to die. You're telling me Gregory wouldn't do the same thing, if he had the chance?"

"Yeah, he would," Jesus breathes, astounded, "I just thought you were better than that."

His eyes flicker to the window. So do mine at the sound of engines.

"Are there any cars out?" I ask Lourdes.

"No."

I go to the door, opening it and walking out towards the front. It sounds like a lot of vehicles. The gates are already opening up by time I make it to the front. It's him. I can see him in the passenger's side of a lifted truck that Martin's driving. I also see the rest of mine who stayed behind getting out of the back of a van.

"Well, hello there!" Negan greets with a toothy grin as he gets out. "Lovely of you to meet us at the door. Good hospitality."

I note Martin looking over at me, before I address Negan. "The work's done?"

"Took my first hot shower in years."

"And I can still smell you from here."

He chuckles, waltzing over to me. "Let me get a little closer."

I put my hands on my hips, looking towards Martin for a moment. "So, where does this put us?"

"It might be the shower I had this morning talking, but I'd say you and your brood are on a hell of a good track with me."

I nod my head. "You came at perfect timing. Your men have made full recoveries."

"Cool, we'll swap."

I nod again. "So, you'll be in and out?"

"Isn't that how you like it?"

I breathe through the anger. My eyes glance over and my scowl deepens. "What's he doing here?"

Negan turns, looking over at Simon for a moment. "He wanted to check the place out. Heard it was impressive."

"He can't be here."

"Your right hand gal will have to be civil."

"No," I reply through my teeth in a low voice, "The dog."

He scratches his scruff. "Oh, I forgot about the pooch."

"He's not taking the dog, Negan. She's been with us through thick and thin. The boys adore her."

"Relax, you'll give yourself hemroids," He retorts, "I've got no intentions on bringing another dog home."

"Another?"

"What?"

"You said another?" I tell him. "You've brought a dog back before?"

"Uh, no, I meant your cat."

"Pip's a cat, not a dog," I remind him, "And you already had him with you when you arrived."

"Whatever, I'm not gonna take the dog, alright?"

I go to retort, but I suddenly remember the story Lucille had told me. It must have just slipped out when I was laying the law down about Cleo. What a headcase.

"Well...see to it that Simon knows that."

"Aye, aye."

I roll my eyes. "Go see the boys. They should be finishing up their chores."

"Aren't you coming?"

"N-" I pause, remembering Jesus is there, "Yes, I'm coming."

"That's what I love to hear."

I turn and walk ahead of him.

"Wait up."

"Keep up." I call, although I need to get home before he does.

"Pain in the ass." He marches up to me, so I tread a little faster. "What the fuck are you doing?"

I playfully chuckle. "What's the matter, old man? The arthritis in your knees acting up?"

He knits his brows at me, not trying to catch up. "Are you drunk?"

I let out a fake little laugh. The boys are outside, playing catch.

"Negan?" Jolyon refrains from throwing the ball.

"Hey, kid."

Abel turns around. "Dad!"

"Hey."

Abel runs over to Negan but stops just a foot away from. "Um, hi." He shyly says.

"Hi," Negan greets again, "How's it goin'?"

"Um, good."

I go inside the house while they talk. I look around the empty place. "Paul?"

No reply.

I walk to the bathroom and then my bedroom when I find it empty. "Jesus?"

"Mom?"

I stand in my vacant bedroom. "Yeah?"

Abel comes in. "We finished our chores."

"Good job."

"Can we hang out with Dad?"

"Of course, you can."

"Okay." He doesn't move, wringing his hands.

"What's the matter, pup?"

He shrugs. "Do you think Dad would say no if I asked if I could hug him?"

"What?"

He shrugs again.

I scan his face. "You've...never hugged your dad, huh?"

"No."

I look through the doorway. "Are him and Jol outside?"

"Yeah."

I smile at his cute meekness. "You know, I think your dad is just waiting for you to hug him."

"He is?"

"Yeah, he's got emotional problems."

"Emotional problems?"

I chuckle. "Yeah, he's kind of a dummy when it comes to expressing how he feels."

"Oh."

"Plus, he's never had a kid before you and we lost him before you were born, so he's kind of learning how to be a dad."

Abel knits his brows and looks up at me. "What about Jolyon?"

I lose my smile.

"Isn't he Jol's dad, too?"

"Uh…"

"Hey, kid, how long does it take to take a leak?" Negan calls in.

Abel looks over his shoulder.

"Go ahead, baby," I encourage him, "We'll talk about it later."

"So he's not-"

"Go play," I muss his hair, "I've gotta go talk to Martin."

"Ask him if he wants to come play with us."

"Uh, you got it." Fat chance.

Abel and I exit the house at the same time. Negan looks over as he tosses the ball towards. "Get a move on."

Abel runs over, but instead of veering off to a spot to play catch, he runs straight for Negan. He wraps his arms around Negan, catching him off guard. Negan looks down and before he has time to react, Abel runs off towards Jolyon.

Negan glances over. I smile lightly and head off towards Martin's house. A bark gets my attention. Cleo's head is poking up from one of the windows at Lourdes' house. The curtain moves in from her face. Lourdes must be inside.

I stroll down the road to Martin's. I don't really have a reason to go down there, other than I want to get some space between Negan and I.

I gotta say, I didn't miss him this time. Sure, he was only gone a week this time, but him leaving like he did left me feeling jilted. Used. I know, I'm the one who got the ball rolling by pulling off the road and letting him nail me in the bed of a truck, but I didn't think he'd get up the next morning after a few more amazing rolls in the hay and leave with a grin on his face. His arrogant grin. The one that he's always got, but that this time seemed victorious.

I knock on Martin's door. And then again. I turn the door knob and go inside. "Martin?"

"Pippa?" His voice calls from an open room.

"Hey." I go into the room. "I wanted to…"

Martin's standing in his bedroom with a towel around his waist. He looks over.

"Oh, sorry."

"I heard you knocking," He says, closing a drawer, "I just got out of the shower."

Martin turned a closet into a shower that drains the water out into a garden out back. Don't ask me how.

"Sorry."

"What do you need?"

I avert my eyes, turning to face the rest of the house. "I was wondering how it went?"

"Water's running," He blandly reports, "And it's hot."

I nod. "Were they decent to you?"

"Once we got the water on and helped with a few other things, they came around," Martin tells me, "Offered us a few beers and shots. Negan said it was the beginning of a bright future."

I bite my lip. "So, he wasn't an asshole?"

"Oh, he was an asshole," Martin retorts, "But he made an effort, I guess you could say."

I cringe inwardly as I look down at the floorboards. "He didn't mention-"

"That you and him were together? Yeah, he brought it up."

I can feel my face turn red.

"I don't think he realizes that I know." He moves past me, dressed.

"About him and I?"

He gets out two glasses. "You told me a long time ago about your past." He pours water into the glasses. "Ugly parts and all."

"Most of my past is ugly."

"I know uglier," He hands me a glass, "I take it he doesn't know that you told me that you and him were having an affair."

I take a drink with dreadful embarrassment.

"Said you and him were working on getting back on track."

I look down. "We did agree to that...to try at least."

He nods, looking me over. "You good?"

"Yeah…"

"You don't sound good."

"I...just have a lot on my mind."

"I'm all ears."

"I can handle it."

"On your own?" Martin scoffs, drinking. "You are a piece of work."

I smirk. "Why? Because I don't need a big strapping man to help me through my problems?"

He smiles, huffing. "Yeah, _that's_ why."

"It's really nothing I can't handle."

He nods, drinking more of his water.

"Boy, I'd think after a two hour drive with Negan, you'd be hitting back that scotch you've got over there."

Martin scoffs into a chuckle. "I wouldn't drink around you."

The smile on my face wanes. He meets my gaze and I shyly look away. "You must be exhausted. I'll go, so you can get some rest."

"See ya later."

"Yeah." I walk to the door.

"Pippa?"

"Yeah?" I turn.

Martin looks at me. His eyes search mine and then they blink down. "Nothing. We can talk about it later."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

I take one last look at him, before I go.

The men that were in the hospital are sitting outside, downing alcohol with some of the Saviors that came with Negan. One of them whistles as Nanda storms over and snatches Ravinder away from their hassling.

"Fuck you." She snaps at one of them, which just makes them laugh.

"Howdy!"

I turn briefly and as I see Simon stalking up, I roll my eyes and keep walking.

"Slow your roll, darlin'," Simon catches up, "I'm looking for directions."

"You know, you don't strike me as the type of creep that pesters a woman who has no fucking interest in you," I tell him smartly, "Mostly because you're an asshole who treats women like trash."

"Oh, your little friend told you quite the story, I see," Simon muses, "Disregarding the fact that she was nothing short of a nightmare when she got angry."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

"Don't I know it," He laughs, "Can't tell you how many sets of dishes I had to buy her, because she broke 'em all throwing them across the room at me."

"Maybe that was the booze and pills you pumped in her when you were together."

"I forced nothing down that spitfire's throat. She took it all for the good time."

I scoff, knowing it to be true, but still not liking him for giving them to her.

"But, no, I'm not here to see Lourdes," He says, "I'm here for my dog."

I look at him.

"I heard word that Lour's got a dog with a weird head," Simon smiles crookedly, "Am I safe to assume that it's my weird headed dog she stole out from under me?"

"She didn't steal Cleo," I sharply say, "You took off and left her at the house. I was there, remember?"

"How could I forget?" Simon retorts. "If I didn't think you were a prudish bitch, I would've suggested you joined us."

I fight down the urge to hit him. "Well, you're not taking the dog."

"It's my dog."

" _Was_ your dog," I correct him, "It's been four years; your ownership is a thing of the past."

"I don't think you're familiar with how we do things, sugar," Simon stops and gets close up, "We take what we want and we earn what we take."

"Maybe back at the Sanctuary, but here you fucking earn what your given."

"Is that right?" He smugly challenges. "That's not what I heard about you."

I knit my brows. "Don't believe everything you hear."

He smirks.

"Or do," I say, plain as day, "And let it serve as a reminder of what people are capable of."

"Woman after my own heart," Simon replies, unphased, "But worry not, friend, I know exactly what people are capable of. And so does your old man."

"He's not my old man."

"Alright," He says, casually skeptical, "Just remember your own words then."

I scoff, unintimidated.

"About the things you hear," He warns, "Foreknowledge doesn't come around everyday."

I stare for a moment more, before continuing my route home.

"Mom!" Abel waves at me once I'm in sight.

I smile, waving back. My smile doesn't last long though, because the door to Lourdes' house flies open and Lourdes comes storming out.

"You son of bitch."

"Afternoon," Simon says behind me, "I believe you've got something that belongs to me."

"Lourdes," I go to catch her, before Simon catches her fist in his face, "Calm down. He's not gonna take her."

"Be a doll and get her for me."

Lourdes lunges, but I got her, as well as her elbow when she goes for Simon. "Fuck you, asswipe!"

"Lourdes, stop!"

Cleo barks, getting Simon's attention.

Lourdes turns. "Go home!" She orders the dog. "In!"

"Hey, sweetheart!" Simon greets the dog, crouching down. "Come here, girl. Come to Daddy."

Cleo stammers her feet where she is, letting out a whine. It's like she recognizes him, but also remembers the last time she saw him. The yelling from him and the crying from Lourdes.

"Leave her alone!" Lourdes yells. "She not your dog anymore!"

"According to who?"

"You left her!"

"I had to skip town," Simon says, "If I hadn't had to leave in a haste, I would've come for her and I think you know that."

"Yeah, she's the only thing you cared about," Lourdes fights against me, "You can't have her. She's my dog."

"Correction, she's my dog and she's coming with me."

"Over my dead body!" Lourdes strikes at him again.

"Lourdes!"

Cleo barks loudly and continuously.

" _What_ ," Negan strolls up, "the fuck is going on here?"

"You tell this piece of shit to get the fuck out of here!" Lourdes nearly screams, pointing at Simon. "He's not taking the dog."

"I know."

"She's my…" Lourdes furrows her brows. "What?"

Simon also looks over in confusion.

Negan's got his bat over his shoulder. "I said, I know he's not taking the dog."

"What?" Simon replies.

Negan looks to Simon. "I'm not running a zoo. The dog stays here. If you wanted it, you shouldn't have been a scummy, shady ass drug dealer that had to skip town and leave the damn thing behind."

Simon stares at him, almost defiantly. Negan's brows settle and his eyes change as he stares back. Simon breaks his gaze, blinking over towards the dog.

He walks down the road. He makes a sharp whistle, calling the dog like he used to. Cleo starts to trot with a whine.

Lourdes looks at her and she goes to Lourdes with a wag of her tail. "Sit."

She gets on one knee and pets her head, staring after Simon with caution, but also a shred of victory.

I notice the eyes that have come out of nowhere from all the commotion. "Take her inside."

Lourdes looks up at me.

"Now."

She rises, turning towards her house. "Come on, bebé."

"We'll talk later." I tell her.

She doesn't say anything to that, she just heads to her house. As she passes Negan, she looks over and gives him the slightest nod, before going inside.

I exhale, looking around at the people. "Boys, go inside." I walk past Negan as I follow them in.

"Mom, why was that man trying to take Cleo?"

"Because he's an asshole." Jolyon sets his glove down on the kitchen table.

"Watch your mouth," I watch as Negan comes in, "But yeah."

"I don't like him." Abel says.

"Well, don't worry about Simon," I steal a glance at Negan, "He won't be coming back."

"I'm hungry."

"Me, too," I reply, "Let's have lunch."

"What about Lourdes?" Jolyon asks me.

"We better leave her alone," I tell him, "She needs some time to cool it."

"Are you mad at her?"

"A little."

"Why?" Abel inquires. "She didn't do anything wrong."

"She didn't watch her temper like I asked her."

"But he was gonna take Cleo."

"No, he wasn't," I assure him, "Your dad promised he wouldn't."

We all I look to Negan.

"Really?"

Negan moves his gaze from me to Abel. "Yeah, there's only room from one animal around the Sanctuary and we've already got a cat that fills that slot."

"Don't you have chickens, too?"

"Don't get smart." Negan jokingly points, making Abel chuckle.

"How is Pip?" Jolyon asks.

"That cat lives better than me."

Jolyon nods, glad to hear.

"Are you gonna spend the night?" Abel asks Negan.

Negan bites his lip, looking over at me. I just look back, wondering the same thing.

"You just got here," Abel says after he doesn't reply right away, "I don't want you to go already."

Negan looks at his son, before exhaling. "I-"

"You can stay; Mom won't care," Abel turns, "Huh, Mom?"

I glance between them. I don't know that I want him to stay awhile. Not after he up and left after he got what he wanted from me.

"Mom?"

"I…" I sigh, shrugging as I turn to open the fridge, "I don't care."

"See, she'll let you stay, if you want."

"Abel, I got work back at the Sanctuary."

"No, you don't, you have everyone else do it."

I snort as I get out the cheese.

"Yeah, well, I gotta make sure it's all getting done."

"But I miss you when you leave."

Negan exhales. "I miss you, too, kid, but I can't be gone for too long."

Abel runs to my bedroom and shuts the door.

Negan looks over, unsure of what to do. I set down the leftover bacon from breakfast. "You know how to make BLTs?"

"I'm not a fuckwit," He scoffs, "What do we do about Abel?"

"He's just a little grumpy because he's hungry."

"Don't you think-"

"Negan, don't argue with me," I groan, "I know our son. He'll be okay." I look at Jolyon. "One sandwich, or two?"

"One."

"Negan?"

He doesn't reply, giving me a frustrated look.

"Got it, you'll starve." I tread across the room and knock on my bedroom door. "Abel, how many sandwiches?"

"...What kind?"

I look over at Negan. "BLTs."

"...Four."

I nod my head. "You got it, babe."

When Abel means four, he really means one cut into four triangles. The door opens as I go back to the kitchen.

"Can I have apples with my sandwiches?"

"I can work some magic to make that happen."

"Thank you." He looks over at Negan and pokes his head back into the room, shutting the door.

I flick my eyes towards Negan. I nudge my head in the direction of the door.

Negan walks over to the closed door. He knocks on the door. "Abel? Can I come in?"

The door opens as a response, but I don't see Abel. Negan goes in and I look at Jolyon, rolling my eyes.

…

I've always loved the night. Before, it was because I could always get drunk at night. A time when everyone was asleep, my baby was asleep, and I could be up until I drank myself to sleep.

Now, I like it because it's quiet and cool. I like it when it's temperate, too. And everything smells better at night.

I came out here after putting Abel down for bed. He and Negan talked and Negan's a good talker, so Abel forgave him for not being able to stay. He did agree to stay the night, but he's leaving again tomorrow.

Some of the Saviors, Simon included, left for home already. A few stayed behind with Negan. They're camping not far from our house. I can smell their campfire.

"Those boys lock you out?"

I smile. "Isn't past your bedtime?"

"I'm heading over to Connor's," He holds up a bottle full of amber brown liquid, "He invited some of us over to play cards."

I nod. "Is he mad at me?"

"Nah, you know, Connor," Martin says, "He wasn't mad from the start and even if he was, he doesn't hold grudges. He even shook hands with that prick who he got into with."

"Glad to hear."

He nods his head, looking up. "He inside."

"Yeah," I smooth my hands, "He's not hot shit with the youngest right now."

"Because he's leaving?"

"Yeah…"

"Tough."

"Mhm."

"Jol?"

"He's okay," I shrug, "He was used to Negan coming and going before."

He nods. "You?"

"I'm used to it, too." I smile flatly. The way he looks at me is plain, but sympathetic. I stand up from the little bench outside my house. "Have a good night."

Martin glances at the bottle. "Night."

I watch him go. "Hey, Marty?"

"Yeah?"

"...I missed you."

He looks over his shoulder, pausing.

I smile lightly. "I'm glad you're back."

Martin looks me over. "Glad to be back."

I fold my arms to me. "Did you miss me?"

He turns a little more, holding me in suspense as he looks into my eyes. He makes a face and shakes his head. "Nah."

I laugh. "Asshole."

His chuckling settles. "Yeah, I missed you. What are you crazy?"

My smile meekens.

"I couldn't get that water running fast enough."

"Night, soldier."

"Night, Pippa."

I go inside when he's far enough. Jol's asleep in his bed. He's got a book on his bed from reading, so I save it from getting crumbled. Inside the bedroom, Negan's laying on the bed with Abel under his arm and the Harry Potter book we've been reading at bedtime set closed on my side of the bed. I save that one, too and place it on my nightstand.

Negan breathes in. "Pip?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Where'd you go?"

"Just outside for a bit." I brush my hand through his already slicked back hair. "You read Abel a bedtime story?"

"Yep."

"Aw, you got to do a dad thing."

"While I can."

"Move closer."

"Ha-ha." He opens his eyes to me.

I smile. "I don't know what you put in your hair, but it's made my hand greasy."

"It's pomade, asshole."

"Hm, well, I see you don't need lotion if ever you get the itch."

"One products, multiple uses."

"Gross." I wipe the stuff on his shirt.

"You coming to bed?"

I smile.

"What?"

I shrug. "I don't know. That's just something you'd hear a couple say to one another. 'Coming to bed, dear?'"

"We are a couple, you fuckin' dork."

"Are we?"

"Sure as fuck feels like it."

"How so?" I go my dresser, peeling off my shirt. "We live almost two hours apart. We haven't been together in four years."

"Time and distance makes love stronger."

I huff at his lazy response as I get out of my pants. "Yeah."

"We sure as fuck argue like a married couple."

I stop on the last hook of my bra. "I wouldn't know. I've never been married."

"Well, I have, so take my word for it."

I glance at him from the small mirror. "Do you fight with your wives?"

"I knew I was setting myself up for that," Negan replies, "No, I don't. But I thought we had an understanding about them. They aren't like you or…"

I look over as I go to put my shirt on. Lucille. "So...what do you consider me?"

He meets my eyes. "My woman."

I huff, peering down at the shirt in my hands. "Lucky girl am I."

"I'm the lucky one." He says with his smartass tone. "Truly."

 _You don't act like it,_ I think as I put on my nightshirt. I can't help but think maybe Lucille had thought or said that once or twice.

The bed creaks as Negan's giant ass gets out a very modest bed with a groan.

"Sh!"

"Shush yourself," He comes over, "He's out like a light."

"He's really having a hard time with the distance."

"I know, I talked to him."

I back up against the dresser when I feel his hands touch my hips. "He was waiting for you to hug him."

Negan looks in my eyes.

"...Have you even told him you loved him?"

His expression changes as he looks down. "No I haven't."

"Why?" I ask him. "He's a kid, Negan. Your kid."

"I do love him," Negan says, "I love both of them, you know that."

"Then why don't you tell them that?" I search his eyes. "Like a father would?"

"Because, I…" He shifts his jaw. He exhales. "I don't know."

I touch his hands on my hips. "Didn't your father ever tell you he loved you?"

"No, he didn't," He admits, "I told you; my parents liked to ignore me until they needed someone to yell at or smack around."

I nod, bringing his hands up to my lips. "You're not them, Negan. I've seen you with our kids and you're amazing. I don't make shit up, you know that."

He chuckles softly.

"But kids need to be told they're loved," I tell him, "I know you're emotionally stunted, but trust me, kids won't betray the love you give them."

Negan smirks at me. "Baby, you warm my heart."

"That's just the heartburn talking."

He chuckles, kissing me. "I'll take it, if it means having you to give it to me."

I put my arms around him, moving my knee. "Mm, I see I warm something else of yours."

"Like a flame thrower to gasoline."

"A flamethrower already has gas and a flame, so why would you need-"

"Shut that smart mouth of yours." He plants his mouth on mine.

"Negan," I break the kiss, "We really can't. Abel's right there."

"I'll move him to the couch."

"No."

"Well, is there someplace we can have some fucking privacy?"

"Again, welcome to parenthood."

"I mean it," He says, touching my ass, "There's nowhere we can go?"

My lip curls into a smile. "Not anywhere you wouldn't be seen...or heard."

"Is that the truth, or do you just not want to go?"

"...Bingo."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because I have a reputation to uphold," I scratch the back of head like I would a cat, "Do you just do it wherever around the Sanctuary or do you have a private space?"

Negan rolls his eyes. "Fair enough."

"So, is that a confession?"

"A confession of wh- Oh, go fuck yourself."

I chuckle. "Come on, you know you don't. Or didn't."

"I said that was fair, what the fuck more do you want me to say?"

I kiss him. "Another night."

"I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I know."

"I don't know when I'll be back."

"I'll live."

"You better," He kisses me again, "Come on, Pippa. I missed you. And I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone."

"Yeah, well, I'm not too keen on letting you fuck me, just so you can peel out of here with a grin on your face."

"The grin was because the sex was good."

"I'm serious," I push back, "It was degrading the last time."

"Why? No one knew we did anything."

"Oh, people knew," I scoff, "People knew long before we actually did it."

"Who cares?"

"I do."

"Why?" He huffs. "It's not like it's fucking degrading to sleep with me."

I lower my eyes.

"Do you think it's degrading to sleep with me?"

"No, but…" I pick up my gaze. "It's a tough world out there for a woman leader. I don't want people thinking your dominating me or clouding my judgement."

"I'd never do that to you," Negan scoffs, "You know that, don't you?"

I shrug.

"Pip, did I ever do anything to humiliate you or try to control you when we were together before?"

"No, but-"

"But what?"

I look into his eyes. "It's different. We weren't where we're at now."

"So, this is it for us?" He asks, serious. "Back to where we started, fucking each other until the lunch bell rings?"

"I don't want that."

"Then what the fuck do you want, Pippa?" Negan tips my chin up. "Huh? Because I'm trying to figure out how to make this work, while you're just worried about how being with me is gonna make you look."

I look at him. His eyes are serious but soft. "I want to be with you."

"Then stop acting like you're fucking ashamed to be with me."

"I'm not ashamed," I tell him, "I just…I want our work and our home life to be separate. I don't think that's unfair to ask for."

"No, but that doesn't mean we have to act like we've got sticks up our asses whenever we're around other people," He retorts, "And by we, I mean you. You act like I pissed in your cereal."

"Well, that's because you act like such a jerk whenever we're around other people," I point my finger, "It sometimes feels like you're trying to be an ass to me."

"I'm an asshole, Pippa, I fuckin' act like that to everyone."

"Well...stop being as asshole to me," I say, "At least try not to do it in a way that makes it seem like you're pushing me around."

"I'd be too afraid to push you."

"Negan."

"Alright, alright," He puts his hand out, "We'll shake on it. You stop acting like a frigid bitch and I'll stop acting like a malechauvinist dick."

I shake his hand. "Deal."

"Deal," He moves his hand to my back, "Now, where were we?"

"Just deciding that we can't have sex, because the kids are asleep and within earshot," I put my arms around him, "And in our bed."

"I don't think so, I think we were thinking about going to that place you know where we can be alone."

"We'd have to sneak out," I tell him, "And leave the boys here."

"So, let's sneak the fuck out."

"What if they wake up?"

"They won't, unless we keep talking like this," He pecks my lips, "Come on, Pipsqueak."

"Don't call me, Pipsqueak."

"Yeesh," He complains, "Maybe I should just back out while I have the chance. You're a bit of a fuckin' nag."

"Watch it, buddy."

"I'm out of here," Negan kisses me, "I'm leaving you."

"It's too late for you to back out now," I smile, "You should've got the hell out of dodge before you knocked me up and then held me prisoner in a radio station."

"I didn't hold you prisoner, my people did after you were staking out the place," He gets closer, "But I did knock you up."

"You let me sleep in the cell even after you knew it was me."

"Nag, nag, nag."

I chuckle. "If anyone deserves to be nagged, it's you."

"I can't argue with that."

My smile grows. "You wanna go to that place?"

"What the fuck have I been saying for the last thrity minutes?"

I snicker. "Let me get dressed."

"You're already dressed."

"No, I need to get my pants back on."

Negan looks down and scoops up my pants, handing them to me. "Get 'em on."

"Oh, are you getting forceful with me?"

"I'm getting a little impatient."

"It's sort of hot."

"Get your damn pants on and it'll get a whole lot hotter."

"Careful now," I put one leg in, "You're gonna make me swoon."

"I'm not trying to make you swoon, I'm trying to…."

"Oh, are you starting to filter yourself?"

He bends down. "You drop this out of your back pocket." He hands me folded paper.

"Oh," I take it from him, tucking it back in, "Thanks."

"What is it?"

"Uh, nothing, it can wait" I put my hands on his face, kissing him, "Let's go."

"Hold on," He says, "What's the paper about?"

"It's nothing."

"You said it can wait," Negan furrows his brows, "Is it something I'm gonna see later?"

"Yeah," I button my jeans, "Later."

"Why can't I see it now?"

"Because you want to go have sex."

"Let me see what you've got in your pocket."

"I'd rather see what you've got in yours."

"My dick's not in my pocket, genius."

"Whatever, let's just go."

"What's the big fuckin' deal if I see it now or later?"

"Yeah, seriously what is the deal?" I scoff. "Are we gonna go, or not?"

"I wanna see the paper."

I look up at him. I nod my head with a sigh. "Okay." I reach into my back pocket and pull out the paper. "Here you go."

He opens it up and looks at it, straining his eyes in the dark.

"It's bookkeeping," I cross my arms, "Of all the meds and resources your guys used while staying here?"

"Uh-huh." His jaw shifts as he reads the paper.

I smile blandly. "I figured with the work done at the Sanctuary and the resources used here, we would be even."

"Even?"

"Yes, as in our debt is paid."

"Paid?" Negan raises his brows.

"Yes," I nod, "We gave you hot running water and drained some of our medicine to help your men."

"With meds we gave you."

"It doesn't matter, meds are a hard resource to come by and we had to use them to help your guys, who we housed here."

"People are a resource, Pippa," Negan tells me, "The most important resource. And you killed three of mine. You think you're off the hook for running water and generosity?"

I stare, slowly gathering my brows. "But you said-"

"You don't get to decide when we're even, Pippa, I do."

I scoff. "And when will that be."

"I don't know, but you're fucking dreaming if you think a month's work is gonna wipe the slate clean."

"You don't know?" I almost shout. "So, you're gonna keep us strung along until you say so?"

"You got off easy, darlin', I wouldn't be copping fuckin' attitude because you still owe."

"Tell me right now, Negan, are we gonna be owing you forever?"

"Cut the dramatic bullshit, Pippa," He scoffs at me, "You've got a lot of fucking nerve to get your panties in a twist just because you don't get your fucking way on this. If this was a reversed sitation, you damn well fucking know you would expect the same shit."

"Answer my question, Negan," I demand softly, "Are we ever gonna be even?"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Yeah, I think Pippa's about to realize just how different she and Negan are.**

 **P.S. For those who read Believe in Tomorrow, I am preparing to move back to school, which isn't terribly far from where I live, but being the case, I may not get to begin or complete the next chapter until the following week. Thanks for your understanding.**


	16. Chapter 16

The rooster crows outside the coops down the road as the sun touches the sky. A soft gust of wind brushes a few fallen leaves across the dirt road. It makes me rub my arm for warmth. Farmers in charge of caring for the livestock are starting to wake up to get to work.

The sky is dark which means winter is starting to take over for the fall. I think maybe it's in my head, but winters have always seemed colder since the change, especially when we were on the road. And bad things always happen in the winter. Goosebumps whip across my skin just thinking about winter coming.

The bed creaks a little. I pay no mind to it, or the stir and breath of waking. The soft familiar noise comes to a brief stop, before a long exhale.

"I'd tell you to come get some rest, but the sun's up. It's too late for that."

I don't reply, instead I go away from the window and walk to the door, opening it. I go to the bathroom. There's no mirror in here, but my eyes fix on the wall above the sink, taking a long, hard look.

I turn on the water and run my hands underneath. I bring it to my face. It's cold and unpleasant.

Jolyon's asleep on his bed when I get out. If the door to my bedroom weren't open and I knew I wasn't being watched, I wouldn't go back in.

My eyes fall on Abel as I enter. He's rolled to the side facing the warm parental body that had sat, and then laid, and then slept there. I'm sure he thought it was me, but I haven't shut my eyes once all night.

I go to the dresser for clothes in swift silence.

I hear the bed creak and from a slight turn of my head, through the corner of my eye, I see him reach for his boots neatly standing by the bed.

My nostrils flare as I inhale, angry. I bite my tongue. It could bleed. I dress sharply without a word. I shove my feet into my boots and stalk out of the room. My strides are determined to get out of here, as if I'd burst if I don't, but I'm still considerate of Jolyon sleeping.

I open the door and try to bring it to a gentle close with me as I go, but I'm stopped by a hand. I turn briefly and when I see Negan, I let go of the door and walk.

I walk towards the back of Halcyon. The smell of campfire annoys me. The intruder camp I pass fills me with a swell of agitation. I could step on the sleeping bodies on the ground and knock the cups of hot liquid out of the hands of those who have woken up with the sun. Instead, I just walk by without an eye meeting another's.

The fact that Negan's trailing behind me infuriates me. It's not that I can hear his footsteps, it's that I can feel them. Feel his presence. Each step I take makes my anger build in me like bricks. His whistle as he passes the camp furthers my fury. Those standing get o. one knee and those sitting rise enough to kneel.

Past the camp, I walk along the wall. Towards the graveyard, though it's not my destination. I try to walk faster against the cold, but I know he can casually keeps up with me.

A crunch under his foot, through no fault of his own, sets me off. I whip around. He stops just two or three feet before me.

I stare, eyes hot as white coals. My breath stirs in me as he stares back.

"Leave me the fuck alone."

"I'm just taking a walk."

"Go to hell."

"Why don't we go together?"

"Fuck you."

He exhales like he does. "Pip, we talked about this."

"No, we didn't," I snap, "We agreed that after the debt was settled, we'd work together."

"Right," Negan nods, "We provide a service to you in exchange for goods."

I scoff, infuriated. "That's not what we-"

"We agreed on working together," Negan clarifies, "That is working together, Pippa. It's called an economy."

"You said we could trade."

"And that we will certainly do," He says, bat over his shoulder, "Through the exchange of goods and services."

"That's not what we said."

"We said we'd work together and we will be."

"It's not a fair trade."

"Well, nothing ever is fair, is it, Pippa?"

I furrow my brows a little. That almost sounded accusatory. His eyes almost confirm it.

"You're a smart girl, you know how systems work. There's always a few ahead of the rest."

I scoff at that. "Not here there isn't."

"That's not true and you know it," He argues, "You know just as well as I do it's all about getting to the top of the pecking order. That's why you're where you're at."

I shake my head, looking down as it starts to drizzle. "We shook hands," I look up, "I offered my hand to you and you took it. Knowing you were lying to me. _Me_."

His eyes stare. I see his effort not to have them change their firmness.

"I trusted you," I add, "You used that against me."

"Would you have done the same thing?"

I stare back. "No," I belt out.

Negan nods solemnly. The rain is light but will pick up. He looks up at it. "It's not as bad as you're making it out to be; I told you I'd never leave the boys without and I won't. You have my word on that."

I huff, starving back emotion. "Your word means shit."

"I normally take half," Negan tells me, "For you, I'll take a quarter."

"Wow, I feel so special."

"You are special," Negan scowls at my ingratitude, "Damn fucking special. You really don't know how special you are."

"And I may never know." I saucily reply with a dry throat.

"Don't be so fucking sure

"Do you think my people will stand for this?" I ask him. "Do you think they'll just cow down and let this happen?"

The sinews in his face tighten. "I think you as a leader will fuckin' do well enough to see that they do."

I look off.

"We're bigger and we've got more guns."

I almost scoff, but I can't. My eyes lower in thought.

Negan breathes, frustrated. "Pippa, if there's resistance, there has to be a consequence. An example made. I did you a favor by not setting one the first time, but I can't grant you that again."

His voice changes. It's almost like a pleading tone, as if to beseech me to comply.

"Our future together depends on this working, darlin'," He tells me, "So long as our communities have contact, you and me have a real chance at a life we thought impossible."

I look at him. His eyes strike mine. A love, a reignition of life from a lifetime ago hits me like the raindrops on my face. Betrayal and humiliation harden in my core.

I take a deep inhale and breathe out. I start to walk back. The rain has weighed my clothes down on my body. "I need you to leave. Get your men up and go."

"Pippa," He begins.

"Twenty-five percent," I cut him off, "No more. And I want you to come to collect."

"Pippa, I can't be-"

"I don't want Simon or anyone else who will cause trouble," I go on, "I want _you_."

"I can't always-"

"You will," I stop and look at him, "To see the boys. And to insure civility."

"My men will be civil, if you are."

I scoff. "Well, even so. You'll come, or no deal."

"I don't think you understand."

"Oh, I understand," I assure him, "I'm not sure you do."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a strong suggestion," I answer, "That you evaluate my terms and consider them more carefully." I shrug my shoulder. "As a leader and a father."

Negan stares at me. Raindrops curls off his hair that's fallen out of line.

"I've gotta get back," I turn, "The boys'll be waking up soon."

I head back to the house. The men who were camped out have all been woken up by the sudden rain. Cursing and complaining about being wet and about their breakfast being interrupted by the need to pack up the camp.

I kick off my muddy boots and hang my soaked jacket on the coat rack.

"Where were you?"

I look over. "Hey, good morning."

"Morning," Jolyon greets, "What are you doing outside? It's raining."

"I thought I was the parent," I say with a shiver in my voice, "It wasn't raining when I left and I just went for a walk?" I go to the kitchen to start some coffee. "Abel up?"

"I don't think so."

The door opens. I look over. Negan makes immediate eye contact with me. My life feels interrupted. Arrested.

"It's really ugly out there." Jolyon notes.

I turn back to the counter. "Yeah, it is."

…

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"I know, but I've gotta get back to it."

"When will you come back?"

Negan's eyes flicker to mine for a brief moment. "In about a month."

"That's a long time!" Abel complains. "Isn't it?"

I look over. "It's not that long."

"You said a month is a whole calendar page," Abel says, "That's a lot of day squares."

I can't help but smile. "It'll go by fast, baby."

He sighs. "That's not fair."

"Life isn't fair," I glance up towards Negan, before looking back to our son, "The time will fly by."

"No, it won't."

"Yes, it will, now stop whining."

The house is cold. We've got the woodstove going to warm the place up, while we sit in the living room, waiting for Negan's men to be ready to roll. Abel cozied up next to me under a blanket. Negan's sitting in the armchair and Jolyon's on his bed.

If Jolyon's disappointed by Negan's leaving, it isn't frank like Abel's. I'd say it's strange to see Jolyon at somewhat of a distance with Negan, because of how he adored him in the past, but Jolyon's become less emotive as the years have passed.

I may have mentioned that before. I think about it a lot. This world not only takes the living from the living, but it takes the vitality as well. We all have to deal with what was taken from us in order to make it. We also have to make meaning of who we are afterwards. I know this and it's never bothered me to notice it in myself. I can accept what parts of me had to die so that I could live. But to see it, over time, change my son from a cheerful little boy to a guarded kid pains me. I know he's happy, he's told me so, and I see him smile and laugh like other kids, but I know there's a part of childhood cut short in him that I will never stop grieving for.

"Maybe we can come to your place sometimes and stay with you."

Negan smiles. "Yeah, maybe."

"Do you still have that room for us?"

"I do."

I clench my teeth.

"We should, Mom," Abel looks up, "Go to Dad's place."

"Maybe."

"Maybe means no."

"Maybe means I'll think about it."

"Not really."

"Don't argue with me."

Abel makes a huff, but still lays close to me for warm. "Are you gonna get married?" He asks after a minute or two of silence.

"What?"

"Dad said you aren't married," Abel refreshes my memory, "Are you gonna get married now?"

"Dad is already married, remember?" I bring the blankets up a bit. "To all those pretty ladies."

When I look over, Negan's eyes are on me. They're daggers, but I can see what I think is hurt behind them.

"Can't you unmarry them?"

Negan's eyes move to Abel's.

"Don't be silly," I tell Abel, "Those nice women depend on your dad's good nature. It wouldn't be right of him to up and throw them out."

"But then you can marry him," Abel says, "Or...can you still marry him?"

"Afraid not," I retort, "Your mom's a monogamist and your dad's maxed out."

"Oh…"

I kiss his temple. "Don't worry too much about it."

"But we're supposed to be a family," Abel gazes up at me, "You said when we found him, we could all be together again."

"I know, baby, but I didn't know Dad would have his own place to run and it wouldn't be right to ask him to leave it."

Abel lays his head against me, sullen.

Negan breathes. "You know, Abel, maybe some time you and your brother can stay with me for a spell."

My eyes flick up.

"Really?"

"Yeah, if your mom gives the okay."

That makes Abel immediately look up at me for an answer.

I pierce Negan's eyes.

"Mom?"

I look down at Abel with a smile. "We'll see."

"Cool!"

Someone knocks on the door. "Negan?"

"Yeah?"

"We're at the front."

"Copy." Negan replies irritably.

"You have to leave?"

"Yeah, kid, I do."

Abel nods, forlorn.

"You gonna miss me?"

"Yeah."

"Not as much as I'll miss you, I can guarantee you that." Negan stands up. "You gonna let me just go without a hug?"

Abel gets up from the sofa and goes over to Negan, hugging him.

"Bye, Dad."

"See ya, son," Negan says, hugging Abel to him, "...I love you."

Abel looks at him. "You do?"

"Damn skippy."

Abel hugs him again. "I love you, too, Dad."

I can see Negan get more choked up as he puts his arms around Abel a second time.

The two finally break it up and Negan runs a hand over Abel's head, looking Jolyon's way.

"See ya later, kid."

"See ya." Jolyon says back.

Negan continues to look on him, almost hesitant to look off. But he does with a sigh. "Alright, I better hit the road."

"We can walk you."

"No, it's still raining outside," I interject, "You'll catch a cold."

"Not if we come right back here and dry off," Abel says, "And eat soup for dinner."

"I'm sorry, but no."

"But-"

"Listen to your mother," Negan tells him, "She's right; it's fuckin' cats and dogs out there."

"Okay." Abel relents, unhappy about it.

"Jol, watch your brother," I get up, "I'll be back."

"Okay."

Negan returns his eyes onto Jolyon. He gives a curt nod and says nothing else.

Negan and I step out in the rain. I open the umbrella I grabbed on the way out. Negan offers to take it and I let him. He holds it up enough for the two of us to fit without having to huddle together. We walk.

"Can I ask if you'll miss me, or is this good fuckin' riddance?"

I tuck my hands under my arms. "...Is that important for you to ask?" I ask him. "You know I feel betrayed; why set yourself up for disappointment?"

"Because I have to know with you."

"I already said I wanted you to go."

"So, you won't."

I breathe through my nose, silent for a moment. "...I don't know. Like I said, I'm pissed and I feel betrayed."

"Well, don't," Negan replies, frustrated, "I told you to trust me. I wouldn't do wrong by you, Pippa. I love you and I won't jeopardize our family. You and the boys are all I have, save for Lucille."

I don't like being compared to a bat in regards to his sentiments, but I won't argue.

People continue to pick despite the rain. The animals were all moved inside when it started.

"You forgot your wives," I coldly say, "And the entire community who literally kneels for you."

"Pippa."

"Oh, cheer up, champ," I humorlessly chuckle, "You've got plenty of friends. You don't need me to miss you; hell, you won't even remember to think of me."

"That's not fucking true." He stops at a truck he'll presumably climb into. His eyes meet mine. "I think you about more than I think about sex."

I snicker at his attempt to lighten things, but not because I'm amused. "That's only because you want me."

"Yeah, I do."

My eyes gaze at his. There's definitely a sadness there in them. I clear my throat. "I'll see ya when I see ya."

Negan nods soberly. He leans my way, as if to give me a goodbye kiss, because he's got the fucking nerve. I turn my head, shunning the idea. How can he expect me not to?

He exhales softly, handing me the umbrella. "See ya."

I offer a plain smile.

He reaches into one of his jacket pockets. "Oh, I almost forgot," He pulls his hand out, "Hold this for me, will you?"

I knit my brows, opening the palm of my free hand.

"I found it when I went looking for you," A string of silver cooly snakes into my hand, "It's a dear

to me, so keep an eye on it."

I look down into my hand. I'm speechless.

"Bye, Pip," He says once more, "I love you."

I can't speak back.

Negan opens a creaky door. "Alright, Big Ritchie, let's hit the road."

My eyes pick up as the engines start. I find him looking at me from the passenger's seat of a big truck. His eyes are plain but not empty. A dash of a grin is briefly seen just before the truck drives out of the gates and out of Halcyon.

…

Little frothy bubbles form a circle in the pan. I turn the stove off. I grab two mugs out of the cupboard and set them down on the kitchen table at Jolyon and Abel's places.

"Ew, I hate the smell of hot milk."

"You want cocoa, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Well, you gotta heat up some milk, if you want hot cocoa."

"It stinks."

"It's not that bad."

"Hurry up and mix the powder in, woman."

I look over with a cocked brow. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry," Abel smiles over the back of the sofa, "I was being funny like dad."

"That kind of talk doesn't do your dad any favors and trust me, it's not gonna work for you either."

"Sorry."

"Your dad isn't as funny as he thinks he is."

"I think he's funny."

"Yeah, well, you'd be the only one."

I mix the cocoa into the pan of milk, stirring the two into one concoction.

"When will he be back?"

"A month or so, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Abel puts his chin on the sofa, "Will we get to spend the night at his place next time?"

I steady my breathing as I pour the hot mixture into the cups. "I don't know, we'll see."

"It would be fun."

I wiggle my nose that's got a sudden itch. "Abel, you know Dad means for you to stay longer than a night, right?"

"How long?"

"I think he means for a few days or maybe longer," I tell him, "He won't want to make the drive back here after one day, baby."

"Oh…"

"You think you'd be okay with being that far from home for that long?"

He looks off. "Um...You could come, too."

"I've got to stay here."

"Well, Jol would go, too, right?"

"If he wanted to."

He twists his mouth to the side.

"It's okay time say no, if you don't think you'd like staying that long."

"But I want to sometimes," Abel says, "And I don't want Dad to be mad if I don't."

"Your dad would be just fine, if you weren't ready to stay long from home."

He gives a look of uncertainty.

"Let's not think too much about it now," I add, "Your cocoa isn't getting any hotter."

Abel hops off the couch and comes over. "Jol!"

"I heard." Jolyon gets up from his bed and walks over.

"It's Saturday," I say to him as he sits at the table, "What are you doing homework for?"

"It's raining," He answers, "What else is there to do?"

"We could play Monopoly." Abel suggests.

"No, thanks." Jolyon tries not to roll his eyes. Monopoly is not fun to play with a four year old who doesn't get the ruthlessness of capitalism.

"Why don't you go see if Cleo needs to go out?"

"Lourdes is home."

"Okay...we can bust out the VCR."

He shrugs.

"Come on, it's raining, we could all bundle up on the sofa and watch movies."

"Hm, okay."

"Alright." I smile at him. He looks at me, as if to inspect me.

A knock on the door breaks our contact. I go over. It's Lourdes.

"Speak of the devil."

"What?"

"Nothing, we were just talking about you."

"Oh," She looks in for a moment, "Can you talk?"

"Sure, what about?"

"My house." She suggests.

"Alright," I look back, "I'll be back."

We both hurry to her house to avoid the rain as much as possible. Cleo wags her tail at the door as we enter.

"Fuck, is it coming down."

"Tell me about it." I glance over at the bottle of Jack and two glasses at her coffee table. "Connor come over last night?"

She looks at me, puzzled, until she follows my eyes. "Oh...yeah."

"He missed you?"

She scoffs. "The getting is good with me. He came over late last night after cards."

"When will you two just get together?"

"Oh, we get together."

"I met aside from being each other's booty calls?"

"Ha! Never."

"Why never?"

"Because we aren't compatible." She clears the coffee table.

"Really? Because you seem to be peanut butter and jelly."

"God, no," Lourdes rejects, "He's too southern."

I scoff, humored. "Meaning what?"

"You know what I mean."

"Elaborate."

"'Yes, ma'am, no, ma'am. My mama always told me to always treat a woman like a lady.'" She mimics his voice and Alabama accent.

"And?"

"Well, despite being rough around the edges he's got those southern gentlemen manners." She huffs to herself. "Wants to take care of you, but gets you in bed and he fucks you like a whore."

I laugh. "Since when is that a deal breaker?"

She rolls her eyes, as if flustered.

"Oh, like it doesn't feel good to be treated like a whore every now and then by someone who treats you like a lady in the streets."

She huffs, raising her brows in agreement.

"So, then what's the problem?" I ask. "He's good to you and he's good in bed."

"You have no idea."

I chuckle.

Lourdes sighs. "I just can't deal with a relationship right now."

My smile lessens. "It's been four years."

"I know," She says, holding her elbows as she leans against the counter, "But I was always with someone before. I've had four years of just me. Four years of doing things for myself, instead of bending over backwards for someone who's fucking other women behind my back."

I nod my head silently.

"I'm not ready to get hurt again."

I look down.

"Look, I'm sorry for yesterday," She adds, making me pick my gaze up, "I was afraid he'd take her and I'd never see her again and…" Her eyes starts to water, "She's my dog."

I nod. "Okay."

"He just gets under my skin."

"Don't let him. He likes that he's still got that effect on you."

"I know, I just...have a temper when it comes to assholes."

I scoff. "Same."

"How was the rest of the time with Negan?"

I glance down at the dog settling on the rug on the floor.

"Pip?"

"It was fine," I dismissively fold my arms, "Abel was happy he stayed."

"What about Jolyon?"

"Oh, you know him."

She nods, glancing me over. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You like having him around?"

I laugh hollowly. "Yeah, love it."

"You were pining away before," Lourdes points out, "Right before he showed up and treated you like a whore."

"Yeah, well, isn't that how it is with Negan?" I scoff. "He comes around, gets you sounding all devout, and then annoys the fuck out you after?"

She shrugs her shoulder. "I guess so."

I smile half-heartedly.

"Did you argue, or something?"

I quickly shake my head. "Oh, no. No, we just get on each other's nerves easy."

"Oh," She looks at Cleo in thought, "Sounds like a couple."

I force a convincing chuckle. "I gotta go; my house is a goddamn mess."

"Alright, adios."

"See ya later."

"You wanna have dinner?" She asks me as I walk to the door. "Rainy weather is perfect weather for chili and cornbread."

"Uh, maybe," I tell her, "I'll send the boys over for sure."

"Not you?" She puzzles. "I've got sour cream."

"Maybe," I open the door to the rain, "I had a big breakfast."

"Okay."

I shut the door behind me. I feel a breath heave out of me.

…

The rain has let up for a minute. The ground is muddy. If the rain doesn't let up, we might have to lay down some boards, so people and the animals won't sink trying to walk in the streets. I've been considering working up plans to pave the road. We just need the cement.

The small bench outside my house is wet, but I don't mind. I needed the air.

"Hey."

I briefly glance over. I smile. "Hey, soldier."

"Where are your pride and joys?"

"Lourdes made chili."

He nods, tucking his hands in his jacket pockets. "Why aren't you with the Mrs.?"

"Because I can't eat."

"That doesn't sound like you," He says, "What've you got in your hand?"

I look down at my closed hand. I flip it palm side up and open. "The Christmas before the change, my parents took Jolyon shopping for me." I feel a sadness. "I thought they'd get me a sweater or some lame gift a three year would pick out, but that I would love still. But I got this instead."

"Pretty."

I take the six vertical bars and show him their bottoms. "They spell out out 'Jolyon' when you look underneath."

The corner of his mouth tips up a smidge. "That's pretty cool."

I mouth an agreement, looking back down at the necklace. "My mom was the best gift giver."

"Seems like it."

I smile sorrowly. "I cried the night I realized I had left it behind. I had to be quiet, because the baby and Jolyon had just gone to sleep." I feel the bars as my thumb passes over. "I think I cried until I fell asleep."

Martin furrows his brows, confused.

"Negan," I explain, "He found it when we went looking for us."

He nods. "Some guy."

I stare at him. My eyes feel sunken.

"What?"

I turn my head, peering back at the necklace. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because I didn't tell Lourdes."

"Tell Lourdes what?"

I shake my head. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," He says, "What's eating you?"

A tear slips down my cheek. "I made a deal with him."

"I know."

"No, I made a deal with him today."

"What kinda deal?"

The tear trails to the curve of my lip.

"Pippa?"

I sniff quietly. "We have to give him a fourth of our inventory," I wipe the tear from my lip, "Every month."

"...What?"

I look up at him. "That's how he does business. Trade." I want to scoff, but I don't have the right to be salty. "We trade them our resources and they-"

"They what?" Martin demands to know.

"...They keep us safe." I answer, ashamed.

He huffs through his nose. "We don't need them to keep us safe."

"They don't know what we have. Not really."

"Did you tell 'im that?" Martin inquires. "That we can look after ourselves?"

I look at him. "They don't offer another package plan. They aren't agricultural. They don't make anything, despite living in a factory."

"Well, what the fuck do they do, then?"

I continue to gaze. "They provide protection and security to those in need."

He scoffs. "Sounds like snake oil to me."

"Yeah..."

"Did you tell him we don't accept those terms?"

I look away, once again to the necklace.

"Well?"

"I couldn't."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because we don't have a choice."

"What the hell does that mean? Huh?"

"It means that if I refused, then they'd take half and any push back would result in blood."

"Yeah, theirs."

I shake my head. "No, we can't fight them."

"Again, why the hell not?"

"They outnumber us and they have a lot of guns."

"Numbers have never scared us before and we have more than just guns that they don't know about."

"Perhaps, but you and I both know it's more complicated than numbers and weapons."

"Pippa, we can't live under their boots the rest of our lives."

"We're not living under their boots."

"What do you call giving him twenty-five percent monthly out of fear of reprisal?"

I look away again. I fight off tears. "It won't last. I'll talk to him. Get him to drop it."

"You talked to him before and he still wants twenty-five," He shakes his head in disbelief as he scoffs, "Shit, right out from under his own kids."

It starts to sprinkle. Small fairy-like droplets land on my downcast eyelashes.

"Is that why?"

"What?"

"Is that why you're letting this happen?" Martin asks me. "Would we be having this same conversation, if he weren't Abel's dad?"

"You think I'm compromised because of my sentiments?"

"I think you'd fight like hell against this, if the circumstances were different."

I scoff. "So, I'm a lovesick fool."

Martin stares earnestly.

"Fuck you." I get up from the bench and stalk to the house.

"Hey, wait."

"Get out the rain, asshole."

"Pippa," Martins stops me by the arm, "I didn't mean it like that."

I scowl at him. I fight off another round of tears.

He sighs. "Look, I trust you, you know that."

"But you're afraid I'm head over heels for him, right? That I'll do whatever he says?"

"No," He shakes his head, "But I can see you're trying to give your boys a good life and I think he sees that, too, and knows how to play on it."

"Negan wants the same thing I do."

"Negan doesn't have to raise them," Martin argues, "He never did and He still doesn't."

"Let go."

"He leaves 'em here with you and says he'll do you a favor for their sake and he knows you'll give in, because you don't want the kids to suffer."

"I said, let go."

Martin releases my arm, still looking intently at me. "He knows he can press on your maternal side. That's all I'm saying."

"He wants to be in their lives."

"Yeah, so why hasn't he up and moved here?"

"Get off it."

"He has you, Pippa," Martin adds, "He knows he does."

"You're wrong."

"I hope so."

"I know Negan better than anyone," I fiercely claim, "He'll compromise. Trust me."

"I do trust you," Martin says, "I don't trust him. I don't think you should either. He's already lied to you."

"I've learned my lesson," I reply, opening the door, "I know to be cautious."

"So, when will he be back?"

"A month or so."

"And how long will we be compromising?"

"Weren't not compromising," I look at him, "We're paying off our debt."

"And when we've paid that off?" Martin inquires, standing in the rain. "What are you gonna tell people when we keep giving and get nothing back in return?"

I meet his eyes. "I'll think of something by then."

He nods his head, unsure but not arguing.

"We're all that matters," I tell him, "When it all comes down to the bone. I still stand by that."

"Good."

I look him over. "Are you coming in?"

"I'm right down the road."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," He says honestly, "Why? Because I don't want to come in?"

"You don't want to?"

"No, it's just not a long walk back," He shrugs, "Plus, I've got stew on the stove."

"What kind?"

"Pot roast."

"Oh."

"You could come over." He suggests.

I consider it. I smile. "I don't want to."

He smiles a little, before I shut the door.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I know, short chapter. It was much longer, until I realized that the other material was better saved for next chapter than trying to cram it with this one. It would have been too soon.**

 **CLTex: I suppose it went how you predicted? Yeah, it's fairly certain that he won't even be able to keep up the promises made in this chapter and needless to say the fight is not over between them.**

 **Soldier of Passion: You know, I really am looking forward to Eugene entering the story, too. Negan will be utterly blown away, but I really think Pippa will be somewhat kinder to Eugene than she was before, since she realized before the change that she was unfair.**


	17. Chapter 17

"Spell exile." I jab my broomstick spear into a snarling skull.

"E-x-," Jolyon pauses for a moment behind me, "i-l-e. Exile."

"Good." I slide a little in the slippery mud, but catch my balance. "Now spell...hearth."

"H-e-a-r-t-h. Hearth." Jolyon uses his spear.

"Spell Conflict."

"C-o-n-f-l-i-c-t. Conflict."

"Good," I breathily praise, "Spell compromise."

"C-o-m-p-r-e-m-i-s-e. Compromise."

I stop walking, turning to him. "Sorry, but no."

He furrows his brows and then looks up, searching his brain. His face lights up. "Oh, it's c-o-m-p-r- _o_ -m-i-s-e."

I wipe the sweat from my forehead, before I give him a thumbs up. "Good job."

"That's all of them."

"No, that was only ten," I pull my canteen from my pack, "I gave you fifteen spelling words."

"No, I meant the drifters."

The term "drifter" is what either Martin or Connor started calling the dead some time ago. They go between that and "roamer," when they aren't just calling them "the dead" or "dead ones."

"Oh," I survey the muddy field, "Yeah."

The recent rain we've been having caused a bunch of drifters to get stuck in the mud half a mile outside our gates. It's no big deal, better than having them right at our gates, but Jol and I still came out to dispatch them. There were only a few who could manage to pry themselves out of the mud, but it required them to completely break off a limb to do so, which didn't seem to bother them.

I look back at Jolyon. I'm cold and damp from trudging around in thick mud, murky puddles, and sunken drifters. He looks muddier than I am because of his height.

"You ready to go home?"

"Yeah."

"Good," I turn around with him, "I'll heat up some water when we get back. You can have first dip."

"It's too cold outside for a bath." Jolyon says.

"It's not that cold."

"Is too," He argues, "I can see your breath."

"Well...if you move quick, you can be in and out."

"How am I supposed to get dressed?" He smartly questions. "In the mud?"

"I'll put down a board."

Jolyon looks off in the other direction.

"Was that an eye roll?"

"No."

"You sure, because that's what it looked like to me," I nudge him playfully, "You rolling your eyes at me, punk? Huh? Huh?"

He smiles, letting out a chuckle. "Cut it out."

I put my arm around him as we walk. We walk at a leisurely pace, no hurry to get home. A faint gunshot echoes through the trees. I thought I told them not to hunt close enough to be in earshot. In all fairness, it could be just an echo, but still; I don't want any dead roaming on in from the sound.

"Think they'll get any ducks?"

"Maybe."

"I hope so," Jolyon replies, "I like duck."

"Me, too."

"Martin cooks duck the best."

"I thought I did a pretty damn good job."

He shrugs.

I scoff, chuckling. "Well, I guess I'll leave it to the master from now on."

Jolyon smiles at that.

"Oh, hey, maybe he'll let us use his indoor shower."

A drifter straggles out of the trees towards us on the unpaved road. I walk up to it and drive my broomstick through its eye. I have to kick it free with my foot.

"Hey, Mom?" Jolyon says when he's caught up.

"Yeah?"

"When is Negan supposed to come back?"

I glance over at him. He stares at me, waiting for an answer. "Uh…" I look out at the trees, "I don't know. Any time, I suppose. It's been a little over a month." I continue to walk home. "Why?"

"Just wondering."

"You miss him?"

"Mm," He shrugs his shoulders, "Abel's been bugging me about him. He misses him."

"Yeah," I agree with a sigh, "But not you?"

He shrugs again.

"You can tell me the truth, you know?" I tell him. "I won't hold it against you."

Jolyon's quiet for a minute. "...Yeah, kind of."

I look over, surprised. That wasn't the answer I was expecting to break the silence. The answer I dreaded but am now a little disappointed wasn't said.

"Kind of?"

He shrugs.

"You keep shrugging like that, you're gonna get arthritis in your shoulders by the time you're twelve," I smile at his smile, "Now, what do you mean by 'kind of'?"

"I don't know…" His eyes move from the road under his feet to the road ahead. "It's different."

"Different?"

"Yeah…he's not the same."

My smile lowers. I know what he means more than he does.

"You know when you want to forget something, but you can't?"

"Yeah," I sigh, "All too well."

"Well, that's sort of how I feel now."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't forget what he told me," He says, "Or what I know now."

"Oh…" My face warms with a crash of shame.

"How do you forget it?"

I twist my mouth. I wish I could tell him that it's easy for me, because of the new wave of issues with Negan that plague my mind.

I look at him, seeing him staring with curiosity. I smile briefly, before glancing down for a good, honest answer.

"I guess...I guess it's because I forgave him."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I did."

"When?"

"Oh, way long ago," I tell him, walking on, "I think almost immediately after he had done it."

"How?" Jolyon inquires. "How could you forgive him that quick?"

I meet my son's eyes. I smile. "Because I loved him. And...when you love someone, it's easy to forgive them." I breathe in softly. "Sometimes easier than other times, but…" I end that note with a nonchalant shrug.

"Oh."

"I haven't forgotten," I add, "That's the thing, Jol; people forgive, but they almost never forget."

"Well, then how do you let go?"

"You forgive."

"But-"

"Look, I know it seems complicated as hell and maybe that's because it is," I sigh, looking up at the gray clouds, "But forgiving doesn't mean you forget, it means that in spite of what you know, you choose to move on. Understand?"

Jolyon mildly nods his head.

I put my arm around him again, kissing the top of his head. "I love you." A water droplet hits my cheek. "Don't you ever forget _that_."

…

The rain stops by time Jolyon and I make it back to Halcyon. We started to lightly jog to hurry back. I slipped and fell in the mud, which made us both laugh hysterically. We had to stop for a second at one point, because the mud had pulled one of Jol's boots right off his foot.

"He's not home," Joyon peeks in through the window of Martin's house, "He must be out hunting still."

I turn the door handle, opening the door.

"What are you doing?"

"It's unlocked," I tell him, "Come on."

"We can't just go in."

"Why not?" I arch my brow, "Martin won't mind."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's us, now come on."

Jolyon apprehensively follows, looking over his shoulder.

"Alright, the shower's over there. I'll get us a towel."

"Will the water be hot?"

"Yeah."

"...Okay."

"You gonna go in?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh my goodness, who raised you to be such a goody two-shoes?" I put my hands on my hips at his pensiveness. "I promise Martin won't care. And if I'm wrong, he won't be mad at you anyway. Now go get in and I'll get you some clean clothes."

"Okay, fine." Jolyon goes into the shower closet and shuts the door. He opens it a crack to drop out his clothes and boots.

The water turns on and while he showers I sit at the table, since its the only place the mud I brought in won't ruin. I look around the house where I sit. It's practically impeccable. There's a few things out of order, but Martin does way better at keeping his house tidy than I do. Then again, I've got two kids.

The smell of his house is strange. It's not bad, it's just that type of smell you notice when you enter someone else's home. But, instead of it being an unusual, strange smell, it's pleasant. It's strangeness only seems to be because it's almost familiar but not quite.

Before I can think about it more, Jolyon opens the door of the shower with a towel wrapped around him. His teeth chatter against the cold air.

"Done already?"

He nods. "Where are my clean clothes? You said you'd get them."

"Oh, shit," I get up, "Sorry, honey I forgot the plan." I walk to the door. "I'll be right back."

"Hurry." He says with a shiver in his voice.

I leave Martin's and jog over to my house. Lydia is cutting a sandwich in the kitchen as I get in.

"Oh, hey, when did you get back?"

"Not long ago," I go to my room, "I'm getting Jol some dry clothes and then I'll be back."

"Where's Jol at?"

"At Martin's, showering."

"Oh?" Lydia sets a plate at the table.

I grab some clothes for myself and then go to the drawer where he keeps his clothes. I stalk out with a stack of clothes.

"Rawr!" Abel leaps out from behind the couch with his fingers crouched like claws and his teeth showing.

I jump a little, laughing. "Whoa!"

"Were you scared?"

"Yeah, you got the drop on me." I muss his hair, as I walk by.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To take these clothes to Jol."

By time I get back to Martin's, Jolyon's shaking like a leaf.

"Sorry, kiddo," I apologize, "Here. Go dress in Martin's room."

I pick up his wet clothes and fold them. When he's dressed, I hand them to him. "Go on home, I'm gonna shower and then I'll be there."

When Jolyon's gone, I kick off my boots and open the shower closet to undress and shower. I pause as I'm about to go in. Instead of undressing in the closet, I decide to take my clothes off in the open. A rush of excitement makes me feel foolish.

When naked, I go in and turn on the water. It comes out cold, which is deserved, and then warms up to a temperature above lukewarm. It feels glorious nonetheless. As much as I'd like to just bask here in the warm water, I don't. I want to get home and eat something more than I want to stand under a stream. I'm famished.

I get out and dry off when I hear the motors. Fuck, he's back. I scramble to get dressed, trying to come up with a good explanation of why I'm in his house, uninvited.

I exit when the coast is clear and make my way to the front. I come to a halt when I see the vehicles that I recognize, but not as my own.

I see a door fling open and from it, a tall figure hops out. My tall figure, I'm afraid. I go forward.

Negan lets out a groan as he stretches. "Shit, I must be getting old. All this rain is making me stiff in all the wrong places."

No one replies to his greeting, which humors him. Getting out of a truck two behind Negan's, Dwight looks around with subtle astonishment. I feel a small swell of delight.

"Alright, where's your fearless leader?"

I come into sight.

He smirks at me with that bat by his side. "Ah, there you are."

"We have what we owe you set aside," I tell him, noting the scoffs and snickers from the Saviors that rode with him, "I'll take you to it."

Negan's eye remain on me. "How neighborly, thank you."

His response wipes the smirks off the Saviors' faces, which makes me have to stifle one of my own.

He follows me to where we keep the bulk of our inventory. It's located in an old dry goods store. His arm lazily swings the bat up to rest on his shoulder, nearly clubbing me in the process as I walk beside him. He looks over as he realizes this by my flinch, but instead of apologizing, he grins and chuckles to himself.

"How've you been?"

I don't reply.

"Your hair wet?"

"I just showered."

"Odd time of the day to shower, don't you think?"

"How's that?"

"People either shower in the morning or at night," He explains, "Not in the middle of the fucking day. You drinkin' again?"

"What?" I look over, offended.

"You know, because you used to spend half the day sleeping off a hangover."

I scoff at his bad joke. "Jol and I just came back from clearing some dead from the road. It was muddy."

"This is where you hide the goods?"

"Yep." I step on the sidewalk.

"How fitting." He smartly remarks.

I open the door. The shop bell rings over head. "There you go." I point to five medium sized crates full of food.

Negan looks down at them. "What the hell is this?

"It's twenty-five percent."

"Bull-fucking-shit."

I go behind the counter and pull out the books. I open to the most recent account and turn it towards him. "We did the math."

Negan's eyes pass over the page, before blinking up to me indignantly. "This is your handwriting."

"Yeah?"

"How the fuck do I know you didn't just make these numbers up?"

"Did you even look at the numbers?" When he continues to stare, I scoff, flipping back the pages of previous logs. "We take inventory biweekly during the colder months; knock yourself out."

"You know there's consequences for lying about what you have, right?"

"Jesus Christ," I roll my eyes, "What? You think I'm hiding shit? I have some off site for stockpiling?"

"I wouldn't fuckin' put it past you and you know damn well I'd be an idiot not to be suspicious."

"Everything is counted for," I put my hands on the counter, "Even what's been deducted because of purchase. I don't know what people have in their homes at any given fucking time, but if you want to go through their houses for a more accurate count, so you can have what you feel is a proper twenty-five percent, then by all fucking means."

His eyes are fierce from my argument.

"Start with my house first."

Negan's eyes glance down at the book briefly again. "I want all the eggs and milk you have."

"We have your portion of-"

"That's not what I fuckin' said, was it?" He cuts me off. "I said I want all of it. Not what you've stored aside."

I bring my lips to a close, staring daggers at him.

"I can make it fifty," He tells me, "And we can do this the usual way, which would mean I do go through the houses and I take what I want until I'm satisfied."

I bite my tongue, so hard it could bleed. My nostrils flare. "I want ice cream."

"Pardon?"

"You said you've got ice cream," I remind him of his brag, "I want you to bring some next time you come."

"You've gotta be-"

"The kids will like it," I shut the book, "And God know you'll have plenty of milk."

Negan squints at me, trying to figure out my reasoning. He raises his brows with an exhale. "Alright, I'll bring you some ice cream." He looks over at me. "If, and only if, you be a good girl and get me all your eggs and milk."

I stare, unamused by his choice of words. But he stares back, not willing to apologize or revise.

"Fine." I say practically through my teeth.

He breaks into a chuckle. "You are a shrewd ass business woman, you know that?"

"And you're an asshole."

"I know," His voice smolders, "But that's how I get smokin' hot women like yourself to sit on my face."

"That and bribery."

"I thought you were gonna say my big dick."

"You have to bribe women to sit on that, too." I move around the counter to leave.

"Hey, wait a minute." He catches me by the arm.

"I've got stuff to do."

"Take me home."

"You know the way yourself."

"Well, pretend I don't and walk me there."

I move my arm out of his grasp. "No."

"Oh, come on, Pip," He pleads, "You aren't still pissed about this whole thing, are you?"

"Yeah, I am and you just made it worse."

"It's been a whole fucking month."

"I'm sorry," I wryly say, "I forgot I'm supposed to let go of how I feel to make _you_ feel better about your choices."

"Honey, I am doing the best that I can for you," Negan tells me, "I know it seems like a shit deal, but trust me when I say, this is tenfold better than half and if I could make it less for you, I would."

I look at him. "Why can't you?"

"Because I've already got my lieutenants questioning what good can come from giving your people a special deal," He says, "They think you might pull the wool over our eyes."

I stare quietly.

"And that you might sweet talk your way out of owing."

I blink towards the window. "I'm not sweet."

"I don't know if I'd say that," He smiles a little, "You could sell honey to bees."

I roll my eyes. "You're off your game today."

"I've been off for a month," Negan claims, "But you're the only one who'll tell me. Everyone else just laughs or doesn't say anything."

I explore his face with my eyes. I'm still angry, but it's always been hard not to talk to him. Not to be diffused by his attempts to prove he's sorry and to make me smile. It makes me feel almost cruel to remain angry, which I'm sure he's aware of.

"What's on your mind, sport?" He says to me.

I meet his eyes. "I think you should find someone who's got the guts to shoot you straight."

"Where would I find a gal like that?"

"I don't know," I say, "I'd pair you up with one of my friends, but-"

"You don't have any?"

I stifle a smile and it makes him chuckle as I look down to hide it. "I was going to say that I didn't know anyone I hated enough to do that to."

He chuckles. "Well, I guess I'm shit out of luck, huh?"

"Definitely."

Negan reaches over and tucks some hair behind my ear. "Come on," He says to my aloof response to his touch, "Don't you know I'm wild about you? That I'd do anything for you? Even look soft just so you don't have to pay as much?"

"Am I supposed to swoon over that?" I ask him with a cocked brow. "Because if so, you should know it pisses me off the more I think about it."

"It's a red topic?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Noted." He braves to step closer.

I watch as he moves to kiss me. "You think you can just come here and kiss me after what you pulled?"

His lips pause just before mine. "Well, you've never been one to hold out on getting dick for very long."

I shove him away and walk to the door. "Asshole."

He laughs behind me. "I was kidding! Pippa!"

"Unload the crates from inside the shop," I instruct my people, "I don't want them going inside."

"Sure thing."

"Jesse!"

"Yeah?"

"Have the dairy crew bring out all the eggs and milk from storage."

"All?"

"Yes."

"Alright, it might take a minute," Jesse informs me, "I think they're going through to see what's spoiled."

"Oh, tell 'em not to bother," I say to her, "They want it all."

She lifts a brow. "If you say so."

"I do," I smile, walking off, "Thank you. Oh, and have you seen Martin?"

"Hunting, I think."

I nod, obviously knowing that already. I glance over at Negan on the boardwalk outside the dry goods shop, before I head home.

Lydia's trying to lug a thing of water to the back, so I hurry over to help her. "Here."

"Oh, thanks," She smiles, "I was gonna wash the kids' muddy laundry."

"I can do it, thanks," We dump the bucket into the basin, "I appreciate it, though."

"Jol!" Lydia calls as we start to walk back.

"You can head home now, if you want," I tell her, "Thank you for watching Abel. You must feel like Cinderella the way you maid it up around here."

"I would, if you weren't so nice," She smiles back, "And I love the kids. You know, I always thought of being a kindergarten teacher."

"Oh, yeah? What stopped you?"

"A miserable ex-husband who drank away any money I made." She huffs, trying to sound humored. "My mama always said he'd land us in a trailer park with nothing but bills to look forward to."

I look over at her.

"I didn't mind the trailer park all that much, I have an eye for making the best of things, but bills are hard to keep on top of when you're the only one who can hold down a job."

I nod. "Well, you know, it's never too late."

"Yeah." She scoffs.

"I mean it," I tell her, "You're young and Lour and I can teach you."

"Really?"

"Sure," I smile, "The only thing this place is missing is a school and a teacher."

"I'd like that."

"Okay, consider it done." I smile at her. My smile doesn't last as soon as Negan shows. "I'll see ya later."

"Okay, bye," She waves, "Thanks again!" Right as she turns, she nearly collides with Negan. "Oh, uh, sorry." She goes around him, before he has time to respond.

Negan looks behind as she walks off. He smiles back at me when he shifts forward.

"Did you ever do that with Lucille?"

"Do what?"

"Oh, don't give me that," I roll my eyes, "You were checking her out."

"Was I?" He questions. "Or was it all in your head?"

"Don't try to gaslight me."

"Don't be so dramatic," Negan rolls his eyes with a smirk, "I wasn't checking her out."

"Then what were you doing? Watching her back?"

"She almost ran into me," Negan says, "I looked back as she took off, it wasn't for any reason in particular, but now that you mentioned it, she does have a decent ass."

"Fuck you." I go to the front door.

"May I come in?"

"You may not."

"Oh, come on, baby, I was joking," Negan stands behind me, "I swear on my dick that I wasn't checking out the nanny."

"It'd be too bad, if you were lying."

"You're telling me."

I huff through my nose. "Your dick's the only likable thing about you."

"I don't take that as an insult, darlin'."

I open the door to the house. "Jolyon? Did you hear Lydia?"

"I heard."

"You better get out there, before the water goes cold and wash your clothes."

"Okay."

"Where's Abel?"

"Lydia put him down in your room for a nap."

I nod my head. "Go."

The door closes behind me as he leaves.

"Damn, there is nothing sexier than watching you tear through a place, barking orders."

"It's my house, dumbass. And my kids."

"I saw you outside just a while ago," Negan sets his bat down, "It was all I could do not to pitch a tent right in the open."

"I'm so glad I'm amusing to you."

"Jesus, it is fuckin' freezing in here," He rubs his hands together, "How about starting that wood stove of yours?"

"I'm gonna make something to eat," I go to the kitchen, "It'll warm up soon."

The door to my bedroom opens up. "Mom?"

"Yeah, I'm home."

"Hey, kid."

"Dad?" The door creaks open more. "Is that you?"

"No, it's Santa Claus," Negan jokes, "Of course, it's me."

"Who's Santa Claus?" Abel rubs his eye as he walks out.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot you live in a whole 'nother world."

"You were gone longer than you said," Abel tells him with almost a scolding tone, "Right, Mom?"

"A little over, yeah."

"We've been keeping track," He informs Negan, "On the calendar."

"Lay off bustin' my balls, will ya?" Negan chuckles. "I lost track of time. I don't 'x' out my calendar squares."

"Well, you should," Abel yawns, "That way you can remember."

"Yeah, alright, smartass," Negan chuckles, "I'll try to remember that."

Abel wraps his arms around him, now comfortable in doing so. "I'm glad you're back."

"Me, too." Negan puts his arm on Abel's back with a smile.

"What are you making?" Abel asks me.

"I was gonna make some grits," I tell him, "Since we're up to our ears in grits." I turn. "Oh, hey, honey, you can have all our grits, if you wanna take those, too."

Negan flips me the finger.

"Hey, Mom says we can't do that!"

"Well, Mom's not the boss of me."

"She's the boss of this house and what she says goes." Abel retorts.

"Boy, you must hear that enough to have it on reserve like that."

"She's also the boss of Halcyon."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it; your mom's bossy."

"She's a good leader." Abel defends me.

"Glad someone thinks so."

Abel's brows gather. "Why are you being mean?"

"I'm not, kid, I'm joking."

"Well, I don't think you're being funny."

I smirk. "Dad's not having a good month for jokes."

"Yeah," Negan runs his hand over Abel's head, "I haven't been sleeping all that swell, so go easy on me."

"Don't be mean."

"I'm sorry," Negan apologizes, "You know I love your mom."

"Okay," Abel forgives, "Are you gonna spend the night?"

"No, kid, I can't. I can stay for a couple hours, but after that, I gotta head home."

"Aw!"

I lower my eyes, taking a breath, before I go back to the stove. It's for the best that he leaves.

…

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Making a line in the house for the kids' clothes." I reply, fastening the laundry line to a hook on the wall.

"What's wrong with hanging 'em outside?"

"Have you noticed the rain?" I arch my brow, holding the line. "Got it?"

Jolyon tugs on the tight rope on the other end. "Yeah."

"Alright, let's get 'em up."

"Jesus," Negan flicks the line, "You hung a fucking line in the middle of your house that you're about to fuckin' hang clothes from."

"Oh, good, you finally got it," I pin up a shirt, "I was getting a little worried there for a minute; you seemed so confused." I stick a clothespin between my teeth. "Thought I smelt your hair burning."

He flips me off, knowing Abel's not paying attention. I smirk rudely.

A knock on the door turns my head. I can see Martin from the window.

"I got it."

"Oh, look, who it is," Negan tauntingly says to hide his displeasure, "Your boyfriend."

"Grow up," I say, before answering the door, "Hey, you're back."

"Yep." He nods. He's dirty from being out all day. "We didn't get any birds, but we got a few squirrels and a big buck. I came by to see if you wanted any of it."

"Yeah, thanks."

"You want me to salt it for you?"

"Sure."

"Alright, I'll save you about a pound."

"Thanks, Marty."

"I'll take what you don't set aside for my family, Marty." Negan suddenly says behind me. "As part of what you owe."

"You want the whole deer?" Martin boldly asks.

"That's what I said," Negan replies, "You can keep the squirrels."

I look over my shoulder. "You're taking all our eggs and dairy," I remind him curtly, "I think that's enough."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, I do." I turn a little. "We already settled what you were gonna take."

"Did we shake on it?"

I feel a frown weigh on my mouth as my blood starts to simmer.

Negan grins, looking over me to Martin. "Be a pal and clean it for me?"

Martin looks between us. "Yeah, sure."

"Good man."

Martin blinks back to me, unimpressed by Negan's slack praise. "I'll be by with the salted meat later."

"Thank you." I say as he stalks off. I want to call out to him that I'm sorry, but I know he's not looking for that. I shut the door.

"Does he salt your meat a lot?"

I stare at the door, breathing. "If that's an innuendo, you should know that it's a bad one." I move around him. "Maybe give the attempts to be funny a rest, huh?"

"Oh, it wasn't that bad."

"You really have to take the deer?" I look at him.

"I said you can keep the squirrels." Negan strolls by to the armchair.

"Why don't you take the squirrels and we'll keep the buck?"

"Because I want the deer," He props up his feet on the table with a groan, "They can bag another one tomorrow."

I stare at him. If it wasn't Negan sitting there and just some other asshole…

Jolyon hangs a pair of pants on the line, obstructing my view.

I get my jacket from the coat rack. "I'll be back."

As I shut the door behind me, I lean against it. I could kill him. I really think I could. If he keeps pushing me, I really think I might.

A bark pulls me out of my daydream. Cleo comes running up to me, licking my hand and nudging it for a pet.

"Hey, sweetheart," I pet her head, "Where's Lour at, huh?"

I walk over to Lourdes' house with Cleo in trail. I haven't seen her since this morning, before Jolyon and I left.

"Hello?" I knock on the door. "Lourdes?"

She doesn't answer, so I head up the muddy road. It's starting to get thick inside Halcyon. We're gonna have to draw up some plans to pave it. Of course, we still need the materials to pave a road.

The farmers are lugging our all the tanks of milk and baskets of eggs. A few Saviors pitch in, but only to load it up in their vehicles. All while Paula stands with her arms crossed, watching like an overseer. I didn't see her when they arrived.

"Nice place you've got."

I direct my eyes to a familiar voice. I smile. "Hey."

"Hey." Dwight blows smoke out, leaning against a wooden column of the boardwalk.

"I didn't think you'd come here."

"Why's that?"

"Because you didn't seem interested when I offered to let you stay here."

Dwight nods. "Well, I got asked to come along, so…"

My smile dwindles. "You got asked, or you got volunteered?"

He huffs, smiling faintly as he puts his cigarette up to his lips. He digs his fingers into the pocket of his shirt. "Want one?"

"No, thanks."

He tucks the pack back in. "It's nice here."

"Yeah, you mentioned," I snicker, "You could stay awhile, you know."

"No, I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because he…" Dwight meets my gaze, blinking off, "Because I've got a lot of shit I do back at the Sanctuary.

"He must have a lot of trust in you."

"You could say that."

I look at him as he smokes. The scars on his face terrify me. They make me want to put my arms around him and console him of whatever horrible harm marred him in such a perpetual way.

He glances up from his cigarette.

I smile. "I'm glad you came."

"Why?"

"I don't know," I shrug, "Just am."

He nods again, smoking.

"D!"

We both look over. Paula curls her finger at him, like a mother would, except maybe not as severe. Dwight walks past me and goes over.

"Yeah?"

"Are you done flirting?"

Dwight scoffs. "What do you want?"

"Keller said the trucks are sinking in the mud," She tells him, "Why don't you go help pull 'em out?"

"Yeah, I'll get right on that." Dwight flicks his cigarette and heads down the road. He gives me a 'see ya' look as he goes.

My eyes blink from him to Paula, who's got her fiercely vacant eyes on me. She looks as stone cold as she did when I first saw her a few months ago. A fresh bruise lays under her cheek.

I go to walk away, when she calls; "I'm glad you're getting what you deserve."

I turn and look at her.

"This is what you deserve."

I hear the contempt in her voice. A bitter acid in her throat that I don't know the emptiness she knows. I recall our last conversation in the way she looks at me and I believe that she'd be content if my kids had died or die in front of me.

"I hope you get yours."

"I'm sure I will someday."

"I'm sure you will, too," I say, "And I'll be glad for you then."

I walk off with a pang of shame for the cruelty in what I meant. Cleo, who had got up on the boardwalk to lie down where it's dry, comes down and continues to follow me. She hurries her pace when she sees sight of her master coming up the street.

"Hey!" She greets Cleo with a bright expression. "How'd you get out?"

"Where have you been?" I ask her.

"At Connor's," She tells me, "He asked if I could fix a hole in one of his shirts, so I was just returning it."

"He asked you?"

"Yeah, I can patch up holes."

"Mhm." I arch my brow.

"Oh, shut up," She rolls her eyes, "We're not animals; we can be around each other without fucking."

"I know," I shrug with a smirk, "I just think it's cute he asks you to sew up his shirts for him."

"Yeah, well, that's men for you; they act like lady killers, but all they want are mommies."

"That's…" I think about Negan and decide not to say anything.

"He's pissed we're giving that buck they caught to the Saviors," She informs me, looking off, "And the milk and eggs."

"We'll have more milk and eggs tomorrow," I reply, "And as for the buck, I know it's frustrating, but-"

"But what?" Lourdes shrugs, folding her arms. "They can go get another one?"

I bring my interrupted mouth to a close.

"Pippa, this is more than just paying off a debt," She exhales, "This is highway robbery."

I look away, angry that she knows the truth, even though she doesn't know. "I'm working on it; Lour."

"Working on it?"

"Yeah," I nod at her, "I'm trying to get us out from under them, but you know Negan; he's not easy to work with. It's gonna take a little time. A little...persuasion."

"Persuasion?"

"Yeah."

"Persuade how?"

I move around her. "I'm making shepherd's pie for dinner. Come over, if you want."

Talking ceases as I enter the house. All three boys, I say 'boys' because Negan's maturity is hardly at an adult level, look over at me.

"You gossiping about me?"

"No."

"Hm," I hang my jacket up and then walk along the line, "What were we talking about?"

"Dad wants us to come stay with him." Abel says.

My eyes pounce on Negan. "Oh?"

"We talked about it last time, remember?"

"No, I don't remember _that_ conversation," I calmly snap, "Because we didn't have it."

"Sure we did," Negan says back, "I mentioned it right before I left."

"I don't remember."

"Well," Negan scoffs, "That's not my fuckin' fault you have a shitty memory."

"Hey, don't say 'fuck'." Abel chuckles a little.

"Abel!" I scold.

"I was just telling him not to say it."

"You want your mouth washed out?"

"No."

"Then watch your mouth."

"Okay, I will."

I blink to Negan, whose brows are gathered in concern. "What?"

"You know, it's dangerous to put soap in a kid's mouth, right?"

I knit my brows, before I roll my eyes. "Jesus, it's an expression. When have you ever seen me put soap in one of my kids' mouths?"

"So, you wouldn't really?" Abel looks over.

Great, now my threat is no good. "No, baby."

"Oh, good."

I move from the lines to the kitchen. "You're men are just about done. You better get out there."

A creak from the chair and a relaxed groan from the man makes me roll my eyes again as I start the stove. He could never sneak up on anyone. He even makes the floor creak as he walks.

"We're not even gonna discuss it?"

"Discuss what?" I place the dish I'll put dinner in on the counter. "That you think I'm Joan Crawford?"

"No, about the boys coming to stay with me."

"Oh, that," I get out the potatoes, "No, we're not gonna discuss that."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I said so."

Negan huffs. "You know, I'm not one of your children. You can't just say 'because I said so' and fuckin' leave it at that."

"I just didn't, did I?"

Negan moves to the side of me. He watches me. "Are you gonna look at me?"

"I'm making dinner," I cooly say, "Go find some other chick who has time to stare at you."

"Oh, grow up," He stops me, "I wanna talk about this. Now."

I look begrudgingly up at him. "Fine. Let's talk about it."

He lets me go. "It'll just be for a week. Just to start out."

"No," I drag our compost bin to the table, so I can peel potatoes over it, "Good chat."

"Pippa."

"I'm not letting you have the kids for a whole week."

"Why the fuck not?" He sits in the chair at the corner of mine.

"Because…" I pause.

"Because what?"

I bite my lip. "Because you don't know how to take care of kids."

"Pardon?"

I breathe, looking over at him. "You don't know how to be a parent."

Negan furrows his brows.

"I've always been there."

His finger taps on the table. "You know, I was a teacher for over twenty fucking years, right? That's longer than you've been a parent."

"Yeah, but being a teacher isn't the same thing as being a parent."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Negan grins in disbelief. "You mean to tell me that you don't trust me to look after our kids alone?"

"It's not that don't trust you, it's just that I don't think you can handle it with all you've got going on there. Not with your lack of being a single parent."

He scoffs. "And what about you, huh? Do they hold onto your apron strings twenty-four seven?"

"No, but-"

"But what?" Negan argues. "You work just as much as I do."

"Yes, but I'm a parent above everything." I retort. "I know what my priorities are and I might work hard for this place, but it doesn't compete with how much I work to make sure they have the necessities of life." I feel a slight pain, likely drug in from talking to Paula. "None of this matters without them."

Negan stares.

"I'm sorry, but I can't send my kids off with you without knowing damn certain that you'd have the same degree of heart and hand as I do."

His eyes look on at me. He scoffs again, amazed. "I can't fucking believe what I'm hearing."

I don't say anything.

"You really think I'd be lousy without you?"

I bite my lip again, refusing to answer that outright.

"Wow," He itches his beard, "Never thought I'd get lectured by an alcoholic about what it means to be a good parent."

I almost pause at that low blow, but I don't.

There's a light knock over the rain that's started.

"Get the door."

"Get it your fucking self."

I rise up from my chair to answer the door. I plunge the knife I used to peel the potatoes down on the table, making him wisely pull his fingers back. Relax; it's only oak.

"What?" I ask as I open the door.

"Where's Negan?"

"Under the floorboards," I tell the rude brute standing in front of me, "Can't you hear his heart still beating?"

The man makes a face.

I roll my eyes, walking to the kitchen table. I pluck up the knife. "Your chariot awaits."

Negan stares at me. "I'll be out in ten."

The man nods and goes, closing the door with him.

I silently peel potatoes, refusing to look at him.

Negan continues to look at me. He exhales as he gets up from the table. I watch from the periphery of my eye as he puts on his leather jacket by the door.

"Alright, I'm gotta head out."

"Okay." Abel replies in a small volume. "Bye, Dad."

"Bye, Abel," Negan picks up his bat, "See ya, Jol."

"See ya."

His head turns towards me. "Walk me out?"

"You know the way."

"Pretend I don't."

"I'm peeling potatoes."

Negan stands there for a moment, before he opens the door.

When he's gone, I stop peeling. My eyes move through the clothesline. The two of them stare at me with quiet eyes from the back of the couch.

"Start your homework, please."

…

The smell of chimney fires taunt my nose with burning wood as I walk along the streets. The people greet me as I pass by with civility, though I hear the inquiry in their voices, even within their invitations for me to drink with them.

I know I've got to come clean about this arrangement with the Saviors. I'm not sure how I can. I've always been honest about things when asked but, aside from Martin, I've been misleading about the deal. I'm still trying to call it a debt collection, though after the gouging that happened today, I'm not sure I can for much longer.

"Evening."

I turn my head. "Evening."

Walter flashes his politician's smile at me as he strolls the opposite direction as me. He's loving the apprehensive air that the Saviors stir up whenever they come around. Anything that makes me look bad.

I knock on Martin's door and only have to wait a few seconds. "Hey."

"Hey." He looks me over. "What brings you by?"

"I just wanted to talk."

"Talk?" He raises a brow. "You sure that's it?"

"Yeah, what else would I want?" I come in when he steps aside.

"I don't know." Martin walks past me. He goes over to an armchair and picks up a pile of clothes. "I thought you might've come to get these back."

I look at the stack and widen my eyes. "Oh my god. I didn't realize that I- I'm sorry."

"You're sorry for leaving your clothes behind?"

"Yeah," I wince, taking them, "Sorry, Marty."

"How about the fact that you left them here after you entered my house and showered here while I wasn't home?"

I mouth an 'oh,' nodding. "Well, you could hardly expect me to shower while you were home, now could you?"

He stares at me, before chuckling incredulously at response.

"What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"You're fucking incredbile, you know that?"

"I've been told," I smile, "What smells good?"

"Chili."

"Smells delicious."

"It'll be ready in a few minutes."

"Oh, thanks, but I'm stuffed from dinner," I say, "But maybe save me some and I'll eat it cold."

"Cold chili?"

"Yeah, I like it cold."

Martin makes a face of disgust. "It gets all chunky."

"Well, fine, heat it up and eat it over potatoes and eggs, you big baby."

"You know what?" He laughs with me. "That actually sounds pretty good."

I look down at the clothes in my hands.

"I got that pound of venison."

"Oh, give it to Connor, or whoever wants it."

"You don't?"

"It's not right to take it when there's not enough to go around."

"Okay," He folds his arms, "Where were you when they left?"

"I was peeling potatoes."

He looks at me. "You know, Pip, people depend on you. Trust you."

"I know."

"That's why they gave the Saviors all the milk and eggs and why Connor let the deer go," He tells me, "Because you said to and they trust that if you say it's okay, then it will be."

I look up at him.

"They don't care as much about what can be easily replaced, but what does matter to them is how you face it and you not being there looks like you were hiding ."

I swallow. "I know."

He nods. "So, what happened?"

"Negan wanted the boys," I tell him, shrugging,"I told him no."

"That's it?"

"He threw my alcoholism in my face, but far be it from Negan to not take cheap shots."

Martin leans against the wall. "Still low, though."

"Yeah…" I acknowledge the sting.

"Is it over the deal?"

"What?"

"You not letting him take the boys?" Martin asks me.

"Oh, no," I shake my head, "I mean, I'm still pissed about that, but no, it's not that. He's not experienced."

"Pardon?"

"He's never been a parent before," I explain, "He doesn't know what it's like to raise kids as a single parent, which he'd technically be if I'm not there, and I'm just worried he'd not handle the stress well."

"Huh."

"What?" I knit my brows.

"Nothing."

"No, what is it?"

Martin shrugs. "Didn't you say you'd let Jolyon's dad watch after him?"

"Yeah."

"Well, if I recall, you said that his dad wasn't the most savvy when it came to parenting. You said he was nervous and awkward?"

"Well, yeah, but Eugene-"

"You said he was in all accounts a genius except when it came to looking after a baby."

I look at him.

"But you still let him."

"For short periods of time."

"He never watched Jol for more than a few hours?"

I close my mouth.

"Is that a-"

"Yes, okay?" I cut him off. "I sent Jolyon to go stay with him, but it's different, it's-"

"Different how?"

"Well for starters, Eugene didn't live in a factory surrounded by drifters and thugs."

Martins shrugs again. "I guess that's fair…"

I arch my brow. "Are you saying I was wrong?"

"No," Martin goes over to his stove, "You know him way better than I do. I think he's an asshole, but that don't make him a bad father." He looks over. "Unless it does."

"No."

He gives a nod and then turns to his chili. "It's ready."

I smile plainly. "Save me some."

"You got it, boss."

I linger there for a moment. A chuckle rises out of me. "You know, I know why I forgot my clothes here."

"Why?"

"I heard the engines outside and thought you had come back."

"Oh, so you scrammed to avoid getting caught?"

"Yeah, but I think I just wanted to see you."

Martin glances over his shoulder.

My smile fades. "Um, to see how you did."

He looks at me for a moment more, before nodding and going back to his chili. "Get a bowl from the cupboard over there, I'll pour you and the boys some."

"Oh-"

"Now before you go protestin', I made more than one man can eat, so get a bowl."

I go over to the cupboards. "This one?"

"Yeah."

I open the cupboard. "Which bowl?"

"A bowl," He says, "Don't care which."

I take down a navy, spectacled bowl. "Here."

"Oh, good, that one's uglier that shit."

I snicker. "Well, you'll be happy to know that you'll likely never see it again."

"I'm gonna hold you to that." He takes the bowl and ladles in a heap of steaming chili.

"Thanks."

"You bet."

I smile as he scoops more and more into the bowl. I lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek.

He looks over at me. "What was that for?"

"For still being yourself."

"Why would I be any different?"

I shrug. "Because of what you know and...because of him."

Martin seems bewildered. He sets the ladle down, turning his body to me. He leans his arm on the counter. "Pippa, I don't know what sort of asshole you take me for, but I respect the hell out of you."

I look on in silence.

"I know who you are, and what you stand for, and what you've done, and it'll take more than some shit deal with your kid's father to make me think different of you."

I smile humbly.

He goes back to the chili. "I'll go and get the stockpile from East in the morning."

"Thank you."

"Yep."

"Martin?"

In my head, my body moves to his like a magnet. I touch his face as I bring my lips to his, entwining them with passion. He drops the bowl of chili, embracing me and sending a spark of heat through me that makes the fire from the stove seem like a dying ember.

But it's only a flash of thought. I look at him as he waits for me to say what I was going to say. I give him a tame smile.

"Thanks for the chili."

…

"What are you reading, Lourdes?"

" _One Hundred Years of Solitude_." She replies, reading while scooping a forkful of her breakfast.

"Is it a good book?" Abel blows on his chili and hash browns before he takes a bite.

"It's my favorite." She says.

"Can we read it after you?"

"I think it's a little too old for you, bebé."

"Oh, okay," Abel swallows, "Is this chili gonna give us all gas?"

"Maybe." I shrug, cutting the egg I have over my hash.

"I don't think I like chili for breakfast, Mom."

"I made potatoes, eggs, and toast; you could've just had those."

"I agree with Abel, this isn't a good combo." Lourdes says.

"You're still eating it," I raise my brow, "In fact, both of you are, so I don't want to hear it."

"Jol, what about you?" Lourdes asks, "Good idea or bad?"

"Mm, bad."

I roll my eyes. "Look, I wanted the chili for breakfast, no one had to partake."

"It's good chili," Lourdes shrugs, "Where'd you get it?"

"From Martin."

"Ooh." She nods.

I shoot her a look.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Is Dad gonna come back?"

I look over at him. "Yeah, in about another month or so, I imagine. Why?"

"Because you guys got in a fight."

Lourdes peers over at me, learning of this just now.

I avoid looking over at her. "He'll be back, baby."

"He will?"

"Yeah, he will," I smile meeky, "Moms and dads just fight sometimes."

"Are you gonna shake hands like you make Jol and I do?"

"Sure." I pick up my coffee.

"What was the argument about?"

"Family business." I retort.

"That's kind of mean to say," Lourdes says back, "I thought after everything we've been through together, I _was_ family."

"Okay, well, Barnes-Smith family members only business."

She huffs, wanting to know. Her eyes move over to Abel with a cunning look. "What'd your dad get mad about, Abel?"

"Lourdes!"

"Dad wanted us to come spend the night, but Mom said no."

"Oh," She meets my pissed stare, "I see."

"I just don't think he's ready to look after the kids on his own."

She nods, looking back down at her book.

"Are you two done?"

Both my boys nod.

"Alright, put your plates by the sink and go start your schoolwork." I wait for them to get out of ear shot, before I quietly say; "I'm right, aren't I?"

She shrugs her shoulder. "Mother knows best."

"Lour."

"I don't know," She shrugs again, "I mean, I can't say I wouldn't have said no myself, but I don't know if I'd say it was because I thought Negan couldn't do it."

I briefly glance over at the boys to make sure they aren't eavesdropping.

"I mean, shit, fourteen year old girls are trusted as babysitters."

"I'd feel better if there was a fourteen year old girl there to watch after them."

"Pip, what I'm trying to say is that Negan's a grown man who does pretty alright with kids."

"Yeah, well, 'pretty alright' isn't good enough."

She breathes through her nose, looking up at me.

"What?"

"You're making me come to Negan's defense and it's pissing me off," She says, "How the hell is Negan ever supposed to gain experience as a dad, if you don't let him, mother hen?"

"Jesus, you and Martin should start a committee."

"Oh, so Marty agrees with me?"

"Sort of…." I exhale, "So, I'm being the asshole this time?"

She shrugs. "Like I said, I might have said no, too, but that's only because of the location and the lovely bunch he has working for him. But not because I thought he couldn't handle it."

I huff to myself.

"Plus, he's got all those esposas."

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about," I scoff, "I don't want him to just unload Jolyon and Abel on his wives, so he can stroll around the factory all day, annoying the shit out of everyone."

"You leave 'em with Lydia when you're working," Lourdes drinks her coffee, "And me, sometimes."

"That's-"

"Sometimes for more than a few hours," She adds, "Like right before we got caught outside their outpost."

I lower my eyes bitterly.

Lourdes gets up from her chair. "Thanks for the culinary experiment. I'm going out with the Patels today to help forage some medicinal plants."

I nod my head, looking into the blackness of my cold coffee.

Her fingers traipse the table as she walks by. She digs a finger into the knick. "What's this?"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Yeah, I think Pippa knows, especially now, that Negan isn't gonna hold his end of the bargain. Not only with the "deal" but with his other promises...but I think this goes without saying lol**

 **anonwriter: Thank you! I appreciate your support :)**


	18. Chapter 18

"How's it coming?"

"If you don't quit asking that-"

"Alright, sorry." Martin chuckles at the table, drinking a piping hot cup of coffee.

I study carefully, poking the needle through flannel. "I'm not the best seamstress."

"I've seen you sew the kids' stuff."

"Yeah, when Lourdes is too busy. You should have gone to her."

"Nah, you're doing just fine."

"How do you know?" I chuckle. "You can't even see what I'm doing to your poor shirt."

He smiles as he tips his cup back.

I tug the threaded knot to a close and break it off with my teeth.

"Professional."

"Quiet," I hold up the shirt, inspecting my work, "You really should have gone to Lourdes."

"Let me take a look at it."

I toss him the shirt. He catches it and looks over the stitched up hole in the shirt's pocket.

"What's wrong with it?"

"The stitches are a little spaced out."

He sticks his fingers inside the pocket, feeling around. "Oh, yeah. I'm about to bust through."

I snicker like a teenage boy.

Martin looks over at me. He smiles. "Grow up."

I laugh a little. "Oh, I'm sorry. I really tried. Take it to Lourdes."

"Just rip 'em out and start over; make 'em a little tighter."

"Why are you making me suffer through this embarrassment?" I complain. "Just go take it to Lourdes. Connor lets her fix all his shirts."

"I bet he does." He sets his mug down.

I glance up at him across the table and then back down at my work. "You think he does it because he likes her?"

"I don't know, probably," Martin says, "It's not like he talks about what they do, or anything."

"What they do?"

"Oh, don't act like you don't know what everyone in Halcyon knows. Lour and him always circle back to each other."

"Yeah…"

"He might have her fix his shirts for him to get her to come around more, now that I think about it; he does like her. I know that much."

I nod, using the seam ripper to undo the stitches.

The door opens abruptly. "Mom, mom!"

"Abel, Abel," I set the tool on the table, "Hey, where are your mittens?"

"Mom!" Abel stops right in front of me, catching his breath. His nose and cheeks have a faint rosiness from the cold outside.

"What is it?"

"Dad's trucks are here."

"Oh," I look over at Martin, "Okay."

"Come on!"

"I'll be out in a minute," I tell him, "You can go ahead with your brother."

"Okay!" Abel runs out of the house. "She said we can go ahead!"

I sigh, standing up from the table. "I guess I better go meet him."

"Yeah…"

"I'll fix your shirt later." I grab my jacket and scarf off the coat rack.

I walk out in the gray cold, trudging my way to the front. The usual trucks are there, but I don't see him.

I spot the blonde woman, Laura, I think, some few feet away, giving out orders.

"Where is he?" I ask her without greeting.

She looks over at me. "Who?"

"Negan," I clarify smartly, "Where's Negan?"

"I'm Negan."

"Ha-ha," I retort, "Now, tell me where he's at."

She nods her head over, before turning it in the same direction.

I look out where she's suggested, but still don't see him.

"Some old guy started talking to him."

Walter. He's not the only older man here, but call it a gut feeling he's the one who struck a conversation. He's always standing out by his house when Negan comes. He smiles with his hands behind his back every time I make my way to the Saviors. It's annoying.

"Thanks." I stalk over to Walter's house, which is one of the first when you enter Halcyon.

"Hey." Jolyon and Abel are waiting outside.

"Hey, what're you doing out here?"

"Walter said we should wait out here."

"He did, huh?"

I go up to the door and can hear faint talking from inside. It's Walter's. When I hear Negan's voice reply, I knock hard on the door.

The door opens after the talking stops. Walter opens up.

"Oh, afternoon, Pippa."

"Afternoon," I bluntly greet, giving him a sharp look, before looking past him to Negan, "Hello, dear."

"Darling." Negan says with the same amount of rudeness, tipping back a glass of what I can guess to be scotch.

I turn my eyes back on Walter. "You know, Walt, my kids are house trained; you could have let them inside."

He chuckles anxiously. "Yes, well, I wasn't sure how you felt about your children being around discussion of politics and, uh, alcohol. You know, nasty things."

Negan scoffs. "Oh, trust me, those kids aren't unfamiliar with booze."

My nostrils flare as I blink to him. "I'm taking the kids home, where they can get in from out of the cold, Dad."

Negan doesn't look my way, but I see him huff as he finishes his scotch.

I look one last time at Walter. "Politics, huh?"

He smiles a worm of a smile.

"Dangerous topic of conversation, don't you think?" I turn. "Come on, boys."

"Are we going home?"

"Yep," I take Abel's cold hand, "How about some cocoa to warm these hands?"

"Okay."

A little down the road, I look over my shoulder and see him coming along behind us. He looks like he'd rather get his teeth pulled. It's all about me and what I said last time, I know it is.

"Mom, my mittens are wet."

"Why are they wet?"

"I touched a window that was wet."

"Okay, we'll dry them."

"Okay," Abel glances behind us, "Come on, Dad, catch up!"

"I'm coming." Negan tells him.

We get to the house and go in. Martin left when I did, but his shirt is still on the table with my sewing kit. Damn him. He didn't do it on purpose, I know, but still.

"Take off your outside clothes and hang 'em up." I take the shirt off the table right as Negan walks in.

"Whose is that?"

"Martin's," I tell him the truth, "He asked me to fix a hole."

"Since when do you sew?"

"Since he bedded me so good and told me to learn." I saucily retort just quiet enough to that the boys can't hear me.

"I bet you thought that was funny."

"Honey, sex that good is no joke," I taunt, "I got a sewing kit the next morning."

"I'm not fucking laughing."

"Neither am I."

Negan stare at me, not at all amused. I bet if I hadn't said I didn't think he could handle the kids alone, he'd have laughed by now.

"I know how he likes his sandwiches, too."

Negan looks at me for a second more, before he goes over to the kids. I smell scotch on his breath as he passes.

"How's your schoolwork, Jol?"

"I'm doing better in math."

"Atta boy."

"I'm doing good, too," Abel says, "I know all the alphabet."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how about that," Negan commends, "Put her there."

Abel high- fives Negan.

"Solid high-five, champ."

"Mom, are you gonna make the cocoa?"

"Yeah, let me just put Martin's shirt away." I walk to the bedroom. In there, I take a breath. I knew he'd be mad at me, but man. He's stewed over it for a whole fucking month.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, babe, hold your horses." I put Martin's shirt in my top dresser and leave the bedroom.

"Are you busy today?"

"Am I?" I arch my brow. "No, why?"

"You've been busy a lot."

"We're preparing for winter, baby," I go to the kitchen, "It's coming on strong this year and I've gotta do my part."

"But you don't have work today?"

"No, I can stay in today."

"Good."

I snicker at the gladness in his voice.

"You set aside my twenty-five percent?"

I scowl over at Negan. "Yep."

"I want to see the books."

"You saw them last time."

"That was over a fuckin' month ago," Negan says, lounging on the couch, "I want the new logs."

"Well, you have to wait until I feel like getting them."

"Have someone fetch them here," He replies, "Now."

I stare daggers at the back of his head. I march over to the door, yanking it open. "Martin! Martin!"

"He's helping get the load on the trucks."

"Well, tell him to come bring me the books."

"Yes, ma'am."

I shut the door. "There."

"Come sit down, Mom."

"Let me put the milk on to simmer."

Once the milk is on, I have a seat on the couch. A good space from Negan. You can feel the tension.

"How are things at the factory?"

"Real fucking dandy," He shortly replies, "Here?"

"Fine, too…" I look around the room. "How have you been?"

"Healthy as a horse and hung like one."

I shoot him a look. "Watch your mouth."

"Yes, dear."

"I mean it."

"I know you do." His eyes are nonchalant, but argumentative.

I bite my tongue. Then I exhale. "Negan, I-"

A knock on the door interrupts me. I look over and then back at his unsatisfied face. I go over and answer the door to Martin.

"You wanted me to bring you this?" He raises a brow in confusion.

"Yeah, sorry," I take the book from him, "Thanks, Marty."

"No problem," His eyes glance to the side, as if he can see Negan inside, "I'll see ya later."

"Right, for your shirt," I smile, "See ya."

I close the door and walk over with the book gripped in my hands. "Here."

Negan looks up at me for a moment, before taking the book from me. "How long?"

"You know I was just fucking with you," I exhale, sitting back down, "Martin and I are just friends."

Negan glances me over curiously. "Uh-Huh."

"Look over the books and don't ask me more about it." I look out the window as I wait.

"Mom, I think the milk is done," Abel covers his nose, "It's getting stinky."

"I'll go stir it." I get up, anxious to do anything besides sit next to Negan.

"Is it ready?"

"Almost."

"It smells really bad."

"Oh, quit your complaining." I get out the cocoa mix.

"Warm milk smells the worst."

"Well, like I've said a hundred times, you can't have cocoa without warm milk, so deal."

"Oh, alright."

I smile, looking over at him and Jolyon both sitting on Jolyon's bed. Jol's reading and Abel's flipping through the pages of a picture book.

Negan shuts the books and sets it down on the coffee table with a sigh and a hand down his face.

I turn off the stove. "Who wants a cup?"

"I do." Abel raises his hand.

"Jol?"

"No, thanks."

I nod, moving my eyes to the back of Negan's head. "Negan?"

He scoffs, turning his head slightly to the right. "No, I don't fucking want any."

"That's not how you say no, Dad."

"Oh, yeah? How does one say it?"

"You say, 'no thank you' because it's good manners."

Negan chuckles. "Well, I haven't got any good manners."

"You should get some."

I laugh in unison with Negan as I pour Abel a cup of hot cocoa.

"Way to bust my balls, kid."

"Here, baby," I set the cup down on the coffee table, "Drink it at the table."

"Thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"Is it really hot?"

"A little, so wait for it to cool." I sit down on the floor by the table. "Whatcha readin'?"

"Um, I don't know." Abel hands me the book.

"Let me see; oh, this is a good one."

"It is?"

"Yep," I let him sit in my lap, "This was one of Jolyon's favorites when he was little."

"Really?"

"Mhm," I open to the first page, "Want me to read it to you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I happen to look up as Abel gets comfortable. I meet eyes with Negan momentarily. His seem less intolerant.

"Once there was a very hungry caterpillar."

…

The sky is dark and gray. It looks like it might rain and if it rains, it'll snow according to the thermometer outside.

Abel fell asleep at the foot of Jolyon's bed. Jol also dozed off while reading. And so did Negan apparently.

He's leaned back on the couch, one foot on the table as he sleeps. One hand is draped over the couch, still hanging onto his bat.

I quietly get up and go to my bedroom. I plop down on my bed, sighing as I stare up at the ceiling. I remember the project I was working on and decide to try it again.

I take the shirt out of the dresser drawer and take it to the kitchen table. Negan breathes in, stirring from his sleep.

"Shit." He breathes. He turns his head to look for me and when he finds me, his eyes fall on the shirt.

"Did you have a good nap?"

"What time is it?"

"Three o'clock."

"Fuck," He looks towards the windows, "They're not done yet?"

"You've only been here an hour and a half."

"Twenty-five percent shouldn't take that long to load up."

"Well, we had a little more this month, so your twenty-five percent was a little more. Do the math."

He chuckles huskily. "Still shouldn't take this long."

"I know, you're eager to get out of here."

"Can you fuckin' blame me?"

I pause my sewing hand for a moment. I breathe through my nose. "I guess I was a little harsh last time."

"You guess?" Negan rises up from his spot, coming over with his bat in his hand. "You said I wasn't fit to take care of the kids."

I watch him sit at the table.

"I didn't have the same dedication as you, or whatever the fuck you said."

"Did I hurt you saying that?"'

"You pissed me off." His finger finds the gash in the table.

"You called me an alcoholic."

"You are an alcoholic."

"You implied I was a bad mother because of it."

"You implied I'd be a bad father without even giving me a chance."

I go to retort, but I'm stumped. "I...I know."

His eyes meet mine, still running his finger along the nick. "You know, that really did hurt coming from you."

I look down at the shirt in my hands. "I know, I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."

"No, it wasn't."

"I'm protective of them; I've had to be. It's not easy to let my guard down. It took me a long time before I let anyone other than Lourdes watch them."

He nods, grimacing. "I get that, I really fuckin' do. Can't say I wouldn't be picky as fuck about who I let watch my kids, if I had ended with them, but Pippa I'd never distrust you like that."

"You might if you had been in my shoes and came across me, four years into the world as it is now."

Negan glances down in thought.

"Who knows what would have become of me without them," I say, suddenly thinking of Paula, "I've already become who I am now for them."

His eyes pick up and so do mine, making contact.

"I'm sorry for saying what I said."

"Yeah, so am I."

I nod, accepting his apology.

"You could have cut my finger off."

"Yeah, or mangled it so badly, you would have had to amputate."

Negan breaks into a chuckle, which makes me follow. "Shit, I think you made more than my fingers flinch back. I'm pretty sure the 'ol wedding tackle pulled back."

I chuckle. "I'm surprised it didn't turn you on."

"I didn't say it didn't."

We laugh. I settle with a sigh. "I was afraid you wouldn't come back."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I thought you'd send someone else, because you were so pissed off at me."

"Well, I was in a shitty mood all day thinking about coming here," He smiles, "But I wanted to see the boys."

"Not me?" We both laugh again.

"I wouldn't have followed you here, if I didn't."

"Bullshit, you wanted to be with the kids."

"You got me there."

I snicker. "Pity you all spent the whole time napping."

His smile dwindles. "Yeah…"

I pause, twirling the needle between my fingers. "You know, I've been thinking about the argument non-stop since you left."

Negan breathes. "Have you?"

"Mhm," I keep my eye focused on the needle, "I think if you're confident you can handle it and the boys were up for it, it would be okay if they spent a few days with you."

"Ha-ha, very funny."

"I'm not pulling your leg."

Negan stares at me. "...Are you serious?"

"Yeah," I look up, "Maybe not a whole month, but I'd agree to a week or two. As a trial."

He scowls, huffing. "What? To see if I can hack it?"

"No, to see if the boys can. Jolyon would probably be alright, but Abel's never been away from me for that long."

Negan reads my face. A toothy smile spreads. But before he can say whatever joyful profanities he was about to speak, someone knocks.

"I'll get it." I go to the door. I feel a knot in my stomach at the thought of it being one of his men come to tell they're set to leave.

When I open the door, it is one of his. Laura with two plastic containers with handles. "Where do you want them?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The ice cream," She rolls her eyes, lifting the tubs, "Where do want them?"

"O-oh, uh, just set them on the table."

She comes into the house and does just that.

"Thank you, Laur." Negan grins as she goes to leave.

I close the door gently, looking back over to the table. "Ice cream?"

"You wanted ice cream, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but…"

"You didn't think I'd follow through?"

"Well...no."

"Well, just because your petty ass might not follow up on a deal, doesn't mean I would," Negan grins, "I even brought some from all your little pals."

"What?"

"Yep, had 'em put it in where you keep all the dairy."

I smile at him, but it quickly goes. "Wait, you didn't make it out of the milk that-"

"Expired?"

"...Yeah."

"Do I seem like the kind of guy who would give an entire community food poisoning to get back at one person for a bitch move?"

"You said all the dairy."

He snickers. "Well, rest easy. It's all good."

"Thank you."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Aren't you gonna apologize for the bad milk?"

"It wasn't bad, it was just close to the expiration date," I peel back one of the lids to the ice cream, "You said you wanted it all and I gave it all to you...what flavor is this?"

"I don't know, taste it."

I get a spoon out and dig in. Ice cream is one of those things you think you'll never see again and that you won't miss. But when the cold cream touched my tongue, I could melt along with the ice cream around the rim of the containers.

"Good?"

"How the hell did they manage to make pecan flavored ice cream?" I look over at him.

"With pecans, genius," He chuckles, "And a little brown sugar, I think. How the hell should I know? I don't fucking watch the process."

"Do you want some?"

"It's forty degrees outside."

"So?" I shrug, opening the other container. "You never ate ice cream when it was cold outside?"

"No, I like hot food in the winter," He replies, "Cold food in the summer. The way it's supposed to be."

I offer him the spoon. "Rebel a little. I won't tell."

He makes a humored sound, before lightly shaking his head. "No, thanks."

I dip into the other tub that's got a plain white color with little specs of black. "Vanilla bean."

"Easiest one to make, if they have the beans."

"Where do they get it?" I glance over after saying that. "Nevermind."

"Are you gonna stand there and eat it all while the kids are asleep?"

"No." I lick my spoon clean.

"Wake 'em up."

"Or…" I take the ice cream to the freezer.

"Or?"

I shut the freezer door, turning on the pads of my feet with a smile.

Negan's eyes scan mine. His own smile tips up at the mischief on my face. "What?"

"Or we could go to my bedroom and spend a few minutes alone before you leave," I traipse over to the table, petting his head, "A little compensation for taking my kids from me."

"I gave you ice cream," He touches my hip to bring me closer, "And I'm returning 'em to you."

"Okay then," I sigh, "I guess I'll wake 'em up and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa; slow your roll," Negan nearly pulls me to his lap, "I didn't say I wouldn't give you a little parting gift as thanks."

I smirk, removing myself from his grasp and leading the way to the bedroom. He shuts the door as I lean against the end frame of the bed. I smile at him when he looks my way.

"You get prettier every time I see you."

"Tormenting you must keep me young."

"Well, it's okay to age, you know."

I laugh quietly. "Easy for you to say. Men seldom get ditched for getting older."

"You're younger than me by twelve years."

"True, but it's not the number women get left for, it's how they've aged."

"Don't insult me," He kisses my lips, "I wouldn't fuckin' leave you, if you woke up a wrinkley old spinsiter tomorrow."

"I can't be a spinster, I have two kids."

"Yeah, but you've never been married."

"Yeah, but I'm...currently in the process of being in a serious relationship."

"Currently in the process?" He scoffs. "Are we not serious enough to you?"

"Well…"

"We have a son together."

"There's still some kinks to work out between you and me."

"What sort of kinks did you have in mind?"

I snicker. "Isn't nice that you and I can be pissed at each other for a whole month and then just like that, we're making light like always?"

"Why the fuck were you made me for a whole month?" He asks, furrowing his brows. "What I said was nowhere near as bad as what you said to me."

"Alright, alright, but do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Yeah, I know," He pecks my lips, "Our witty banter."

"I don't know if we're witty, but I'll agree to say we gab an awful lot."

Negan laughs. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I take hold of his belt. "You wanna do it on the rug?"

"Pardon me?"

"I asked if you wanna do it on the rug over there," I nod to the rug, "The bed might creak too much, but if we're on the rug, you can have at me like a sailor on leave."

"Oh, well, as much as I appreciate you saying all the right things to get me up and at 'em, I can't balance that good on the floor."

"I'm sorry?"

"You know…" He eyes the rug, "The position's all awkward on the floor."

"We'd be horizontal like on the bed."

"Yeah, but you have a lot more traction on the bed."

"Oh, my lord," I roll my eyes, "I didn't know sex was so mechanical."

"Plus, I don't want rug burns."

"So, take me from behind."

Negan raises a brow.

"Like old times, except I won't be bent over your desk."

He eyes me up and down.

"What?"

"Last time I was here, you were giving me the cold shoulder and fuckin' plunged a knife into the table."

"So?"

"So?" He questions. "Where'd this desire for rug burns spring up from?"

I scoff. "I'm just in the mood. You're nice, mature gesture of honoring our deal softened me….and," I roll my eyes, "Because I realized I was being a bitch."

Negan nods, perhaps not wholly convinced.

"Do you wanna have sex, or not?"

"I wanna look at you," He pulls me in, "Face to face."

"Well, then, I guess we're taking it to the bed."

Negan smirks, before he shoves me.

I gasp as I fall back over the bedframe and onto the bed with a cackle. "You asshole!"

"Sh, you'll wake 'em up."

I chuckle as he climbs onto the bed, towering over me. "I could've gotten hurt."

"You fucking liar," He grins down at me, "You went right over that thing."

I drape my arms around him. "Are you happy to see me?"

"Happiest man on earth."

"Hardest man on earth."

"Damn right." Negan presses his body against mine.

We undress ourselves and each other. Goosebumps raise all down my skin. He kisses parts of my body.

"Pull the blanket over us."

Negan grabs the blanket. "What lazy ass doesn't make their bed?"

"I forgot."

"You've been forgetting since I fucking knew you."

"What are we doing talking about messy beds when we should be messing one up?"

"Alright, bolt your trap, I'm getting to it."

"Some time today, please."

"Yes, dear."

Negan moves my leg up and enters me with a little force.

"Easy, tiger!"

"I slipped."

"Since when did you get to be so clumsy?"

"I've gotten rusty not having anyone to put the effort in for."

"So, how did you fuck your wives? Quick and lazy?

"Don't bring them up." He coolly snaps.

"Sorry." I put my finger over my lips.

He moves my hand out of the way and kisses me, shifting his hips and bucking into me. I moan under my breath.

"Don't leave me hanging like last time."

"I won't."

I close my eyes at the feeling I get from his thrusting. When the bed makes a creaking sound, a shush drags at the end of my soft moaning.

It feels like old times, minus the guilt of knowing he'll leave because he's somebody's husband. I guess he's still somebody's husband, six somebodies, but it's not love on either end, so I don't feel bad. And he will leave, but at least I know it won't be to go home to someone he loves more than me. Someone I liked more than him.

"Oh, Pip." His voice drags as I comb my fingers through his hair.

I close my eyes again when I feel it coming. I arch my back when his hand presses against it. "Negan."

He picks up the pace, encouraged by my calling his name. His mouth touches my neck.

I shutter before freezing completely in his arms. My breathing picks up as he keeps going. I mewl and he jolts to a stop, pulling out of me.

I touch his face as he stays hovered over me with his eyes closed and his breath paused.

"Fuck."

"You good?"

He chuckles, still out of breath. He touches his forehead to mine. "You've had two kids, how the hell are you still that tight?"

"Am I?" I laugh. "You know the vagina doesn't stay permanently dilated after birth, right?"

"Shut your smart mouth."

"I did do these exercises, but that was only so I wouldn't pee every time I laughed."

"Man, I'd have loved to see that."

"How could you if I never laugh at your jokes?"

"Since fucking when?"

"It's only out of sympathy."

He kisses my lips before rolling over. "How very generous you are."

"Well, I gotta sound convincing," I lay against him, "Did anyone ever tell you're a little hairy?"

"It's come up," Negan puts his arm around me, "Why?"

I chuckle. "I don't mind the hairiness, it's the sweat mixed with hair that's gross."

"How the fuck would you like me to remedy it?"

I shrug. "Maybe sweat less when we have sex."

"Sorry, no can do; sex is cardio."

"Oh, is that how you stay in shape?"

"No better way."

"Hm." I close my eyes, sleepy.

"Thanks for letting me take the boys back with me," His fingers brush my skin, "It means a lot to me to know you trust me."

I feel a lump of anxiety again. I wish he wouldn't mention it. I release my breath. "Well, thank Martin and Lourdes for that."

"Why?"

"They're the ones who made me realize I was being stupid about it."

"Is that right?"

"Yep."

"Huh."

I open my eyes. "You better take good care of them."

"I'll do better than good."

"See that you do."

He chuckles under me. "I'm happy they're coming with me. Fucking ecstatic you could say."

"Abel might cry at night," I warn him, "He gets like that without me sometimes. He might even be hard to put down for bed."

"Noted."

"Don't be an ass to him."

"I'm not gonna be an ass."

"I mean it, Negan," I point my finger at his nose, "I don't wanna hear how you told him to suck it up, or to quit being a baby."

"Would you calm the fuck down?" He holds me tighter with a smile. "I'm not gonna do anything that'll make him never wanna come back, or set you on a warpath, got it?"

I pout a little. "You better not."

He kisses my head.

I rest my chin on him. "Maybe I should go with you, too."

Negan huffs, skeptical. "Yeah, right."

"You think I'm bluffing?" I sit up. "I'll go, asshole."

He looks up at me. "You would not; you fuckin' hated it there."

"I'd go, if I had to. My baby's comfort is something I take seriously," I chuckle, smiling, "What do you say?"

His smile tips up as he stares. But then, as his eyes search mine, it starts to lower. "What? You're serious?"

"No," I say hurriedly, looking away from him, "I was only joking. Cheer up."

"It's not that I wouldn't want you to," He sits up with me, "It's just that it's not a good time right now."

I knit my brows, looking over. "What does that mean?"

"It...It means that it's not the right time, because you're letting me have the boys on my own," He choppily clarifies, "I wanna have some one-on-one time with them. Prove I can handle it. You can always come back to The Sanctuary, just maybe some other time."

"Huh." I nod, resting my chin between my knees.

"Mom?"

I stare, disheartened, at the door.

"Mom?"

I exhale. "Well, that's our que to get up."

"Yep."

…

There's a small, unencumbered hole in one of the pockets of my jackets. I poke my finger through it all the time we walk to the front where Negan's trucks are ready to roll out. Neither of my kids say anything, like myself, the whole time. I'm guessing it's nerves, but maybe also the cold gust of wind that beats against us.

Negan, who's as giddy as a damn school girl, about them going home with him isn't talking either, but you can feel the radiant joy emanating from him by my side.

"Alright," He opens up a door to the back of an old jeep, similar to the one I had years ago, "Load up."

I inspect the stuffed trunk. "Where's their duffle bag supposed to go?"

"At their feet."

I cock my brow, before nodding. "Okay, you heard your dad."

Jolyon looks at Negan as I say that, but then takes his duffle bag and tosses it in the back.

I look down at Abel's who got my hand. "You got all you need?"

He nods.

"Harry Potter?"

"Yes."

"Did you get all your homework?'

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Can't you go, too?" He looks up at me.

"Not this time, baby," I kneel down, "But I'm only a short distance away."

"No, it's a long way." He says in a timid voice.

"It's not, if you need me, okay?"

"Okay…"

I want to tell him he doesn't have to go. But Negan's watching and I don't want him to think I don't support this, which I don't completely, but I have to have some faith in him. "You'll be okay, Abel. I know it seems scary now, but I promise you'll have fun with your dad and Jolyon will be there, too."

"What if I don't like it?"

"Then tell your dad to reach me on the radio and I'll come get you."

"Promise?"

"I promise," I offer him my pinky, "There, it's official."

Abel hugs me tight. "Bye, Mommy."

"Bye, Abel," I give him a hearty kiss on the cheek, "I love you."

"Love you, too."

I smile, defying tears to roll up. I stand. "You good to go, Jol?"

"Yeah."

"You'll be okay without your mom?"

He shrugs. "Yeah."

"You don't have to act tough, you know."

"I'm not, I'll be okay."

I sigh. "Alright, at least give me a hug."

He hugs me. "Love you, Mom."

"I love you more," I tell him, "Look after your brother, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay," I release him from the hug, "Have fun."

"Oh, we will," Negan assures me with a smirk, "How about a little goodbye sugar for me?"

"You've had enough sugar," I roll my eyes, "Just take care of them."

"Relax, we're not going off to war," He chuckles, "I've got it, alright?"

"You're positive?"

"Absolutely," He leans against the car, "Might have some trouble determining whose clothes are whose, since you packed everything in one fuckin' bag, but that can't be that hard."

"They know which clothes are theirs."

"I meant because they're two difference heights, but okay."

I bite my lip. "Will you sleep down in that room with them?"

"We'll see."

"Or let Abel sleep in your room," I say, "I don't want him to get scared in the middle of the night."

"Jesus, Pippa, I said I got it."

"Okay," I exhale, glancing over at the boys in the back seat, "Two weeks."

"Two weeks and if they're fine, we can maybe stretch it to four."

I look at him. "No, we said two."

"Two as a trial," Negan nods, "If they can hack it for longer, why not wait 'til our next pick up?"

"Two weeks," I make clear with a fiery look, "Any longer, I swear to God, I will fucking drive to your factory and get them myself."

"What a hellcat," He breathes out, "Fine. Two weeks. I'll see if I can reach you on the radio."

"I'll be in close enough range."

"Alright, you fuckin' worry wart."

I wave at the kids. "Bye."

Abel waves nervously.

"Watch your speed."

"Oh my god," Negan groans, getting in the driver's side, "I gotta get the fuck out of here, before you fucking kill me with all your smothering."

"Negan."

"I'm not gonna fuckin' speed." He shuts the door. "I'll see ya later."

"Yeah…" I look in the back.

"They'll be fine, Pippa."

"I know."

He fires up the car, knowing he won't get sugar or an 'I love you' if he waits for one. I watch as the trucks and cars all file out of the gates. I have a pit in my stomach as Negan drives out last with my boys in the backseat. Abel and Jolyon turn in their seats and peer out the back window as they leave Halcyon and me.

"You okay, Mama?" Lourdes asks, touching my arm.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I finally look away when the gates are closed, "Negan will take care of them."

"He will," She reassures me, "I know he's not much of a lover, but he's great with kids."

"I know," I move my gaze to Walter, who's standing inside his house, looking out a window, "Have some of our runners go to East before it gets dark."

"Sure," She says, "Where are you going?"

"To have a little chat."

I stalk over to Walter's house. He disappears from the window. I open the door and go right in. People don't really lock their doors here.

He startles. "Oh! You gave me a fright there, Pippa."

"Did I?" I close the door. "What were you doing with Negan?"

"With Negan?" He acts confused.

"Yeah," I scoff, "With Negan."

"I was merely offering to let him wait inside, until you came to do your usual business with him," Walter explains, "That's all."

"And to drink scotch and talk politics, right?" I lift an expensive looking bottle of scotch from his liquor cart.

"Oh, y-yes," He chuckles nervously, "Please, help yourself."

"What?" I look over at him.

"To the scotch," He offers, "Or whatever your poison is."

I set the bottle down. "What sort of politics were you and Negan discussing?"

"Oh, nothing really. Social contracts, Machiavelli," Walters dismisses with a wave of his hand, "We didn't really get a moment to talk. Your children occupied much of his time."

"Yeah, children tend to do that with their dad's time," I look him over, "So, you didn't talk after all?"

"No, although I do find him an interesting character."

"I don't know if I'd call him interesting."

"Well, I suppose you would know better than anyone, eh?

I meet his eyes.

His eyes cower. "Uh, since you and he have a past."

"Have a nice night, Walt."

"Thank you."

I move towards him. He looks at me bewildered, backing closer to the wall.

"I suggest you talk about something else next time," I tell him, "Or maybe not talk to him at all; politics can get ugly."

I leave Walter's house and trudge home.

…

The house is empty; the first time ever. My kids have always been home when I come home. It's so quiet. I don't like it. I sort of hoped they would have changed their minds and turned around. But they haven't. They're probably eating dinner right now with Negan.

I ate the whole tub of pecan ice cream for my dinner. I figured the kids wouldn't like that flavor. Plus, I didn't want to cook for myself. Lourdes is "busy" tonight.

"Pip?"

I look over toward the door. I force myself up to answer it. "Yeah?"

"How's it going?"

"What's that?"

"Taco lasagna."

"Ah, yes, a Midwestern combination masterpiece of Mexican and Italian."

"How do you know it's from the Midwest?"

"I don't know, it just seems like something a soccer mom from Wisconsin would think up."

"Okay, well, are you gonna let me in?"

"Oh, you betcha." I say with my best Wisconsin accent. "What brings you by?"

Martin sets the glass dish on the table, giving me a smart brow. "You serious?"

I look at the food. "Oh, ri-"

"I came for my damn shirt."

I meet his eyes and smile in humor. "I don't need you to cook me meals, Martin."

"I'm not doing it out of pity," He says, going to my cabinets for plates, "I made a whole thing of lasagna and I like your company, if you can believe it."

"I'm skeptical," I pad over to the table, "I haven't finished your shirt."

"Alright," Martin nods, cutting into the delectable smelling dish, "How big a piece you want?"

"Medium sized," I sigh, "I'm not that hungry; I just ate a tub of ice cream. Bigger than that ...bigger than that."

"You said medium sized."

"Well, yeah, but you know I can always eat."

He chuckles, plopping down a heap of the taco lasagna. "There."

"Thank you." I pull out my chair to sit.

He hands me a fork before having a seat. He digs into his food without a word.

I look him over. "How come you came over?"

"I told you already."

"What's the real reason?" I ask him. I start to scowl. "I'm fine, you know. About the kids leaving."

"Okay."

I take my fork and cut into the block of food. "Mm."

"You like it?"

"Yeah, it's great."

"I'm glad." He goes back to eating.

"Where'd you learn to cook?"

"T.V."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Martin nods his head, "I got tired of frozen food and ramen packets I'd get from the commissary, because the food at the chow hall was dog grade slop, so I started watching the cooking channels."

I smile as I take another bite. "A man that cooks is a hot commodity."

He smiles back.

My smile humbles. "I do miss them."

"I figured."

"They've never gone away from me."

"I know."

"It feels so empty here without them."

Martin nods a little. "Well...it's only for a little bit. The time will fly by, if you keep yourself busy."

"Yeah…"

"So, are you and him good now?"

"For now, yeah."

"For now?"

"Him and I always tend to spar every other time we see each other."

"Huh."

I look him over again. "You don't like him."

"Not all that much, no," He admits, "But you wouldn't if you had to live in his quarters for a month or so."

"Was he cruel to you?"

"Not me, or any one of us, but…."

"But what?"

Martin looks at me, then sighs, shaking his head. "They've just got a different way of doing things, I guess."

My stomach starts to hurt a little.

"Anyway," He goes back to eating, "I'm sure the boys will be fine."

I set my fork down.

"What's the matter?"

"I'm full." I smile at him, "And tired."

"Oh," He swallows, "You want me to go?"

"If you want to."

"That's hardly an answer."

"Alright then, no."

I realize how quickly I answered him and get a little embarrassed.

"Alright then." He says, calmly as he finishes his dinner.

Embarrassed as I am, it cools with his response. And the tears I've held back since the boys left with Negan this afternoon sink further down. I'm okay, at least right now I am.

"I've gotta go back to East tomorrow. Check in on 'ol Ursa."

"Okay."

"You wanna go with me?"

My serene smile fades. "No," I look at my hands in my lap, "That's alright."

Martin glances at me. "Are you ever gonna go back?"

"No," I refuse to look back at him, "I don't think I can."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**

 **CLTex: Negan's role as a father is definitely going to be interesting now that he has to be one without Pippa's help. It's for sure gonna cause some waves in their little structure as well as their business together.**


	19. Chapter 19

The rain came back and left a little snow on the ground when it did. Of course it turned to sludge and is only the beginning of what I'm almost sure will be a hefty winter. Hopefully the boys will be back in time for us to get a good snow. Halcyon is beautiful when it snows. And it's one of those phenomenons that still makes people forget for a moment that the world is ugly.

"Jesus!" Lourdes curses, slamming the door behind her as she enters my home. "I fucking hate the cold!"

"I'm sure it hates you right back."

"Ha-ha," She shivers as she takes off her coat, "What are you doing?"

"Looking over inventory."

"How are we doing?" Lourdes goes right for the kitchen, where there's a pot of coffee on the stove.

"Fine for now, but we're gonna have to do a lot better, if we're giving a quarter to the Saviors."

"Even with fudging the numbers?"

"Negan knows we've been preparing for winter, so he's gonna expect that we've been stockpiling, which means we have more."

"Yeah, but he doesn't know how much we've been stockpiling," She sits down, "Or where we've been putting it."

"Doesn't matter," I tell her, "We have to do better."

She stifles an eye roll as she drinks her coffee. "When's he bringing our kids back?"

"Soon," I sigh, putting my initials at the bottom of a page, before turning to the next, "Well, actually, he's not coming here. We agreed to meet halfway."

"Oh, like real separated adults do."

I shoot her a look.

"I'd say 'divorced', but you were never married, so…"

"And we aren't separated, asshole."

"You aren't technically together either," Lour gives a little chuckle as she goes to drink, "You and him are the textbook definition of 'it's complicated.'"

"Shut up," I flip her the bird, "You're one to talk."

"Connor and I aren't complicated," She snickers, "We have sex and that's pretty much it."

"You know Connor doesn't really have sex with anyone else?"

"Sure he does," She shrugs her shoulders, "I know he's slept with Vera. And Hallie from Dairy."

"Yeah, but I think he might have slowly quit them."

"How do you know?"

I shrug, going back to the books.

"What? Martin said that?"

"No, I'm observant," I reply, "I've seen Vera try to put the flirts on him and him politely decline her."

"So?"

"I think he likes you a lot more than you're aware," I tell her, "He does ask you to fix his shirts."

"And?"

"And I've seen that man stitch up a gash on Martin's arm in a pinch, you mean to tell me that he can't fix a small tear in a shirt?"

"So, what? Men asking you to sew shirts is the official symbol of them being in love with you."

"I didn't say love!" I snap.

Lourdes furrows her brows slightly.

I feel my cheeks start to burn. "Look, all I said was that I think he likes you. I never said fixing shirts meant anything about love."

She looks me over. "Okay, whatever. All _I'm_ saying is is that Connor and I are just friends with benefits."

"Okay, fine."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Really, because this whole conversation seems to have put you on edge, even though you started it."

"I am not on edge," I huff, "And if I am, can you blame me? My kids are not here."

Lourdes lets out a sigh. "Yeah, I miss them, too."

I pause my work, letting the pencil fall limply to the side.

Lourdes looks at me. "But they're okay. Negan's...good with kids."

I put my head down in my arms on the table. "Negan used to intimidate the fuck out of kids because he thought it was amusing."

"Yeah, but those were high schools kids," She reminds me, "He never was a dick to little kids."

"He got recommended to the high school because he was too tough on fifth graders," I groan into my arms, "Negan doesn't know what the age limit is on bolting his trap."

"Oh, I'm sure he's doing just fine."

I lift my head."I never thought I hear you give him so much benefit of the doubt."

"Well...Negan's not that bad a guy when it comes down to the wire."

I look at the table. "Times have changed."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning we know he's different," I say, "Like...we're different." Except maybe worse…

"Yeah, but if you thought he couldn't be trusted, you wouldn't have sent the boys with him, would you have?"

I exhale. "No."

"Well, then stop worrying and be glad that in a few days, you'll have the kids back."

"Yeah…"

…

The next few days drag on, but it's finally been two weeks and it's time to meet Negan at the halfway point we agreed on.

Today was the first day I didn't have to force myself out of bed. I can't even describe how excited I am to finally get them back.

"You sure you wanna go alone?"

"Yeah, it'll be fine," I throw my backpack in the passenger's seat, "I'll be back before sundown."

"Alright…" Martin looks at me, somewhat apprehensive.

"What?"

He shrugs. "What if you run into trouble?"

"Trouble better get running." I smirk.

He smiles back. "Alright, but you know he rolls with an entourage, so what's the big deal if someone comes along?"

I look around. "Where's Lourdes?"

"Helping with the repairs to the west end of the wall," He says, "Why? You were gonna ask her to go?"

"Well, she is my right hand."

"Right, but she's busy."

I look at him, arching my brow. "You want to go?"

He shrugs. "Someone should. Doesn't have to be me."

I huff. "Alright, solider, load up."

The two of us leave Halcyon. The roads are wet from the sludge. It's an ugly fucking day.

"Turn the radio on."

"Is he supposed to get a hold of you?"

"Well, I should hope."

Martin turns on the radio. It chirps like it always does and then is silent. He sticks it on the dashboard. We're both quiet for a few moments.

"So...a few people have been asking questions lately."

"Oh, yeah?" I keep my eyes on the road. "About what?"

"When the debt's gonna be paid off." He turns his head. "They said when they ask you, you say 'soon' and when they ask Lourdes, she says whatever you say."

I nod. "What do you tell them?

"I said I'd ask."

I nod again with a sigh through my nose.

"They know something's up, Pip," Martin tells me, "You gotta tell 'em that we're over the barrel with the Saviors."

"I know I do."

"So, what are you waiting for?"

"The right words."

"The right words?"

"Yeah, you know, how to break it to them in a way that doesn't make me look like I made a huge fucking mistake because I used to fuck the leader."

"Well, I hate to say it, darlin', but no matter what you say, as soon as they find out you lied to them about the deal; they're gonna be pissed."

I exhale, frustrated. "Let's not talk about it right now."

Martin looks out his window. "You glad to have the kids back?"

"More than words can do justice," I answer, sniffing from the cold, "Halcyon's not the same without them."

"No?"

"No," My breath curls out in front of me, "Turn on the heat."

"It doesn't work in this one."

"What?" I look at the unit, trying to flick on regardless, "Why didn't you tell me before I picked this one?"  
"I thought you knew."

"No, I didn't," I groan, "Great, so we have to freeze our asses off."

"Yep, afraid so."

"Fucking great."

Martin starts to laugh.

"It's not funny," I scoff, "It's thirty degrees out."

"I didn't say it was funny."

"Then why the fuck are you chuckling?"

"You fucking would pick the only truck that's unit is busted."

I huff, trying not encourage him with my own laughter. "Fuck you."

…

The air is silent. There's not even a peep from birds or insects because of how moody the weather is. Martin and I arrived to the meet up point first, which I suspected would happen. Negan always used to chide me for being late, but these days it seems like he's the one who's always behind. I think he does it to be an asshole. That whole fashionably late thing, except it's worse because it's Negan.

His delays have been initially welcomed because it's always a kick in the balls to have him come in take a portion of the fruits of our labor, but this time is different. He's late with bringing me my kids and I don't fucking like it one damn bit. This I know he's doing on purpose to piss me off.

"Want one?"

"I haven't smoked in years." I reply with chattering teeth.

"Well, do something other than pacing." Martin says, putting his cigarette to his lips.

"Where the fuck are they?"

"On their way."

"We agreed to meet at two," I bark, "It's three-fifteen."

"Maybe some branches fell in the road," He suggests, "Or some drifters got in the way. Either way, the road's bad; he's probably just taken things slow."

"He better," I grumble to myself, "What if something's happened?"

"Stop thinking like that."

"I'm gonna radio 'em again." I go to the front and fish out the radio. I press the button on the side and hold it up to my mouth. "Negan, what's your location? Do you copy?" Silence.

Martin looks over as I stand there like a fool waiting for a reply. But then right as I'm about to chuck the fucking thing back in the truck, it statics.

"Mama bear, come in, mama bear." It's him.

"Where the fuck are you?" I shout back into the radio. "You're an hour and fifteen mintues late!"

"Whoa, don't yell, Jesus," Negan gripes with a chuckle, "You're making the radio screech."

"Where are you?"

"We're about ten miles out," He reports, "Should be arriving shortly."

"Why the fuck didn't you arrive on time?"

"Watch you mouth, mother, the children can hear you."

That definitely tugs on my heart string. "How are they?"

"Just peachy," Negan says, "The little guy's asleep in the back. Jol's upfront if you wanna say hey."

"Hey, Jol." I rasp.

"Hi, Mom."

A smile spreads across my face. "How you doing?"

"Good."

"Yeah?" I try to hold back the sappy tears. "Do you miss me?"

"Yeah," He says, "Do you miss me?"

"Like you've been gone a hundred years," I reply, "Give the radio back to Negan, baby, I wanna talk to him."

"He wants to know if you're gonna yell at him."

"No, I'm not gonna yell."

"...He said you don't sound sincere."

"Give the radio to Negan."

"Yello?"

"You better have a damn good explanation as to why you're late."

"Yikes, you can hear the scorn through your teeth, Pip."

I lick my lips, impatient. "Just get here, will you? I wanna get the kids home before it gets…" I stare at a movement in the woods beyond the truck.

"Did you cut out?"

Martin follows my gaze turning around.

"Pippa?"

I snap out of it. "Um, just get here before it gets dark."

"Aye, aye, captain."

I clip the radio to my belt.

"What is it?"

"I thought I saw movement," I tell him, glancing back to the trees, "I know I did."

"Probably just a drifter."

"It seemed quicker than a drifter."

"Want me to go check it out?"

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

I look at him, anxious. "I don't know."

"Yay, or nay?"

"N-No. It was probably just a deer or something."

"Ookay." Martin looks back to the trees. "I hope you're right."

I meet the trees again.

"Hopefully, your dude's a speeder," Martin continues to smoke, shrugging off what I only saw in the trees, "It's colder than shit out here."

"He's got my kids in the car, so he better not be speeding."

"Oh, right."

I cock my brow. "Have you sped while driving with my kids in the car?"

Martin shrugs. "Little bit. There's no one on the road."

"Woow," I scoff, "So, you're telling me that in the rare occasions that you had the boys in the car without me, you were doing like mach twenty down the road?"

"No," He makes a face at me, "Trucks can't go that fast. Don't be dramatic."

"You sound just like…" I stop myself from saying it.

Martin looks over and I see his smile start to wane as he guesses my embarrassment. "The snow's gonna hit like a bitch by next week."

"Oh, you can tell?" I start to casually pace. "Was meteorologist one of your many trades?"

He flips me off and I cackle a little in return.

I exhale, getting antsy. "I might be okay with speeding if it means he'll hurry up."

"He's driving slow to bug you."

"Don't I know it."

"Did you happen to bring any food?"

"Yeah, for the boys if they weren't fed before they left."

"You really think he wouldn't feed 'em anything?"

"Hey, dad's are notoriously less on it than moms."

"On it?"

"Yes, like they don't think to think about that kind of stuff, you know?"

"Don't know, I'm not a dad."

"Well, I'm a mom, so trust me on this."

"And let me remind you that you don't really let either dad be a parent."

"God, whose side are you on?" I shove his shoulder.

"Yours, but I'm gonna shoot you straight."

I huff. But then the thought of Eugene forms in my head again. I'm saddened. I would have trusted Eugene ten times more than I do Negan, strange as that sounds. Well, maybe at least with driving.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I breathe through my nose, "Just thinking when maybe I shouldn't."

He nods, before turning his head towards the road. A car rolls up the road. "Where's the other cars?"

I can see Negan's grin from here. The car pulls up just opposite to ours. Jolyon gets out of the passenger's side before Negan.

"Hey!"

"Hi, Mom."

I walk over to him, trying to hold back my joy. "Aren't you gonna give me hug?" I put my arms around him. "Are did you grow up too much since last time I saw you?"

"Growing up isn't such a bad thing." Negan shuts the car door.

"I'd shut it, if I were you," I shoot him a look, while keeping an arm around my boy, "You were late."

"I would have gotten here sooner, but Abel was dragging his ass eating lunch."

I tuck some windswept hair behind my ear. "You fed them?"

"They were hungry."

I nod, as if I wasn't just talking shit about him. I refrain from looking over at Martin, who is undoubtedly looking at me. "Where's Abel?"

"In the back, sleeping."

I walk to the car.

"Hey, Martin."

"Hey, kid," Martin greets behind me, "How's it going?"

"Good."

I stop when I see Abel resting his head on the window.

"See?" Negan comes ups at my elbow. "Safe and sound."

"Where's your men?"

"I drove alone."

"Really?"

"Is that so surprising?"

"A little bit, yeah."

"Well, you're right to be skeptical," He smiles, "They're a few miles down the road. I thought we'd do this like parents...didn't think you'd bring a date."

"Could you not stand so close?"

"Am I standing close?"

"Yes, and you know that."

"I like being close to you," He chuckles, "You're pretty and I know what you look like under these clothes."

"Well, keep it up and you'll forget what I look like naked."

"How could I forget?" He touches my elbow, turning to face me, "Whenever I close my eyes at night, all I can see is you on top of me, riding me like a-"

"If you utter another syllable, I will leave you dead on the side of this road for the drifters."

He grins, but listens.

I knock on the window until Abel stirs. He rubs his eyes and then looks up. His face lights. "Mommy!"

I open the door. "Hey, baby!" I help him unbuckle his seatbelt. "How are you?"

"Good!" He wraps his arms around me. "I missed you!"

"You did?" I kiss his cheek. "Oh, I missed you, too!" I brush a hand over his head. "Did you have fun at your dad's?"

"Yeah, Dad let Jolyon shoot bottles on the roof!" He tells me with glee.

"He did?" My eyes move to Negan.

"Yeah, I got to throw rocks, because Dad said I was too young to shoot a gun."

"Oh, wow, sounds like a good time," I set him down, "Do you have your stuff?"

"Yeah, it's in here." Abel climbs back in the car.

"Now, Pip, before your blood gets hot," Negan puts his hand out, "It was only a revolver. Nothing big."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?" I scoff. "You think I'm pissed over the size of gun?"

"No, I thought it'd make you laugh and lessen the blow."

"I can't believe you!" I growl. "What if they would have gotten hurt?"

"They didn't."

"That's not the fucking point!"

"Calm down."

"Do not tell me to calm down!" I snap at him. "Do you know how irresponsible that is?"

"Some would say I did the responsible thing by not letting the four year old have a turn with the gun."

"The bag's kind of heavy."

"I'll take it, honey," I sling the bag over my shoulder, "Say goodbye to your dad."

"Now, hold on, I need you for something."

"Ha-ha."

"No, it's not a sex joke." Negan calls out.

My face warms as my eyes lock eyes with Martin.

"I actually need to borrow some of your guys."

I guffaw. "You're joking, right?"

"Perfectly serious."

I turn with furrowed brows. "For what?"

"Special project."

"Elaborate."

"Our electricity is shit because of the cold," Negan explains, "I need some of your people to come fix the rolling blackouts we've been having."

"Can't yours do it?"

"If they could, I wouldn't be asking."

"We're not your handymen, you know?" I scoff. "We're not just gonna come patch every hole you need patched."

"May I ask you to reconsider?" Negan raises his brows. "Light of my life?"

I roll my eyes. He never says that without sarcasm. "How long would it take?"

"How the fuck should I know? I'm not an electrician."

"I'd have to ask for volunteers," I tell him, "Hope that someone does."

"I think I can count on more than hope, darlin'," He grins, "I've got you to help me out there."

I huff. "I'm not forcing anyone to go to your factory."

"No, but maybe you could give them a little incentive to want to volunteer."

"Incentive?" I raise my brow. "What? You want me to sleep with the first hand to goes up?"

He laughs under his breath. "You'd get a lot more volunteers that way, I'm sure, but no."

"You sure?" I toy with the lapel of his jacket. "I could maybe ride them like...what was the simile you were gonna use before I cut you off?"

"If you don't quit now, I'm gonna pull you in and kiss you. We both know how much you'd hate that."

"Yeah, you're not the best of kissers."

"Shut your fucking mouth." He chuckles.

"I'll ask around, but don't blame me if no one cares about your electricity."

"Make it worth their wile."

"We don't have a points system, honey," I pick up the kids' bag, "I don't have any type of bribe or intimidation, oh, I mean 'incentive' to make people want to do dumb shit."

"It's not dumb shit."

"It is for my people."

"Pippa, come on, I'm not kidding around," He finally sighs, "I need the blackouts to end."

"Aw, is it hard to look at your wives' tits in the dark?"  
"As a matter of fact…"

I groan. "I'll ask around." I walk off. "Alright, get in the car."

"Oh, Pippa?"

I look over my shoulder to find Negan curling his finger my way. "What?"

"Why don't you and the kids load up with me and your little boyfriend can ride alone?"

"What? You're coming back with us?"

"I need that answer now."

"Well, stay put," I retort, "I'll radio you."

"You'd leave me out in the cold?"

"Yeah."

"Pip?"

I look over to Martin. I exhale, going over. "Yeah, I'm trying."

"Charlie's the one who got our power running."

"Doesn't mean he'll go."

"He might, if I or someone else goes to help."

I furrow my brows at him. "You'd do that? For them?"

"To keep shit civil, yeah."

I scoff, glancing over at Negan who's got a smug smirk on his face.

"Look, it'll take maybe a day to fix."

I bite my lip. "Fine."

Martin nods, before going to the car.

"Are we riding with Martin?" I put my hands on my hips, peering over at the kids. "Him, or Dad."

"Who are you gonna ride with?" Abel asks.

"You gonna go with whoever I go with?"

"Yeah."

I smile. "We'll ride with your Dad to keep him from crying."

"Dad doesn't cry," Abel follows me, "He's tough."

"I'm sure he started that rumor." I get in the car.

"Good choice, dear."

"I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." I buckle my seatbelt.

"Hurt _my_ feelings?"

"Yeah, because the boys would've gone to whichever car I would have gone to and you know it."

"Only because they haven't seen you in two weeks."

"And because I'm their favorite."

"Sure, you're trying to spare my feelings?"

I force my smile to quit.

"Mommy, can we have turkey for dinner?"

"Turkey?"

"Yeah, we had turkey last night for dinner at Dad's house."

I give Negan a look. "No, honey. We're having shepherd's pie."

"Aw, we always have that!"

"Hey, cool it, your mom's a decent cook."

"Decent?"

"It was a compliment, baby."

"Don't think I've forgotten about that whole shooting bottles on the roof thing."

"I was bonding with the kids."

…

I button the top of my jeans. Yeah, I slept with him. The boys were exhausted, so they dropped as soon as they got home. I came to the bedroom to nap and Negan followed with the "same idea in mind" but we ended up talking about how the stay went and things sort of took off from there.

Apparently, things went really well. Negan was more than enthused to tell me all about it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for Negan as a daddy. The way he talks about them and the things they did at the Sanctuary...he's too fucking cute not to fuck.

"Man, you really should be charging a fee, because you are that fucking good."

"You couldn't afford me."

"Really? Because I remember you dropping your drawers for next to nothing...biscuits and gravy."

"Well...you give good dick." I murmur.

"Admit it; you were turned on by how I fathered the shit out of those kids."

"Stop." I nudge him away.

He puts his arms around me, inhaling on the back of my neck. "Why don't we go back to the bed?"

"Because you need to get going, Savior boy."

"I'm the leader, sweetheart," Negan turns me around, "Don't you forget it."

"It's all I think about when you're on top of me." I wryly retort.

"Feels good, don't it?" He grins, "Knowing the leader of the Saviors wants you?"

"Sounds slightly predatory," I scoff, "And I'm not one of those workers sleeping on the floor, so it has little to no appeal to me."

"You're such an asshole."

"Just keeping up with you, babe," I pat his arm, "Now, scoot. It's gonna get dark soon."

"I'm not afraid of the dark."

"Since when?"

Negan snickers. "I love you."

"So, you say."

"I do," He moves closer, "I know I haven't exactly shown it, or at least not to your satisfaction."

I look into his eyes. I drape my arms over his shoulders and he touches my sides. "I know you love me."

"Good." He pecks my lips.

"And I love you."

He kisses me again in response.

I sigh into the kiss, touching his face. "I wish I would have stayed longer."

"What?"

I smooth my thumb over his beared cheek. "I wish I would have waited for you longer."

His eyes read my face.

"Our lives would have been so different."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"And you'd want your life to be different than it is now?" He asks. "You're the leader of a functioning community."

"Yeah, but we'd be a family," I kiss him, "You would've got to see Jolyon grow up and Abel."

A small, plain smile forms on his face.

"Don't you wish we would have found each other?"

"We did find each other."

"Yeah, but after we've established ourselves elsewhere," I remark, "In places we can't move from."

"You could move," He says, "You always got a place with me."

"Or you could move here."

Negan scoffs, humored. "Yeah, I don't think so."

I knit my brows. "What?"

"Come on, Pip," He smiles at me, "You don't mean any of this. You like being the leader of this place. You fuckin' underhanded the first leader and literally a cut throat to get where you are. You're telling me you'd give up that for a different life?"

I stare at him. "Are you saying you wouldn't?"

"Fuck no," Negan shakes his head, "I'd still be where I am today."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I like where I am," He says, "I save people."

I move out of his touch. "So, fuck us?"

"No, that's not what I said," He rolls his eyes, "I'm saying I'd still be who I am, but I'd have you and the kids."

"And your wives?"

"You know, that's getting really fuckin' old."

I scoff. "So, you wouldn't want a do over, if you had the chance?"

"I'd want my family with me, but what I do is important and I wouldn't change it for anything else."

I look at him, incredulously stunned. "Wow."

"Oh, come on, Pippa, you wouldn't give this shit up, either."

I bring my lips to a close.

Negan exhales, shoulders sinking as he rubs his face. "You always fucking do this."

"What?"

"Start shit that makes me look like the asshole when we were having a good time."

"You are the asshole," I reply, "Don't fucking point the finger at me! You said what you said, I didn't make you say it. It's not my fault it makes you look selfish."

"Oh, so I'm selfish now?"

"You've always been selfish."

"Oh, fuck, you know what? You wanted me to scoot, well I'm fuckin' out of here." Negan heads for the door. "Ta-ta."

"Here, you forgot this!"

He turns to see me holding up the middle finger. He gives it right back to me.

"Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you!"

"Get the fuck out!"

He opens the door to leave, but is halted. He looks down. "H-hey, pal."

"Were you fighting?" Abel asks him.

"Uh, no, we weren't fighting."

"You were yelling," Abel says, "How come you guys always fight? I thought you loved each other."

"We...we do."

"Then why are you always yelling?"

"Because parents fight sometimes."

"You fight all the time."

I pick at my thumb. "It's alright, Abel. We just had a disagreement. That's all."

Negan looks back to me.

"Your dad and I love each other."

"You should come back with us next time."

I meet Negan's eyes. "That's up to your dad."

"Dad?" Abel looks up. "Can we go back with you?"

Negan stares at me for a moment more and then to Abel. "Not this time, Abel. I want the power to be back on, before you stay again."

"Can Mom stay next time, too?"

Right as I go to look at Negan, my eye catches sight of Jolyon on the couch, staring at me. It makes me furrow my brows and then peer over at Negan's delayed response.

"I don't know."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **CLTex: Yeah, there weren't many details about the boys' stay in this chapter, but things are gonna start to unravel soon.**

 **Guest: Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback.**


	20. Chapter 20

"Pass the hot sauce."

"I didn't put any out," I reply, taking a bite, "It's shepherd's pie."

"I'll just get some from the fridge," She gets up from the table, "It could use a little kick."

"It tastes like how I always make it."

"Sure, but I like a little kick." She grabs a bottle of hot sauce and brings it over.

"Can I have some of that?" Nanda puts her hand out.

"Me, too." Jolyon chimes in.

"Yeah, me, too." Abel says.

"No, you're gonna eat it as is."

"But I like it, too."

"No, you don't, it's always too spicy for you."

"That's not true!"

"Jol, give him a little drop on his finger to test it out."

Jolyon gently tilts the bottle and lets a fiery red drop of hot sauce fall onto the tip of Abel's little finger. We all watch as Abel sticks his finger in his mouth. He makes a face and sticks out his tongue.

"It's too hot!" He says, prompting Jolyon, Nanda, and Lourdes to laugh.

"Drink some of your milk, bebé."

Abel picks up his milk and takes a sip. "I don't want that on my food."

"See, what did I tell you?"

"Are you okay?" Ravinder asks him.

"Yeah, it was just really spicy."

"Aw, poor baby." Nanda says sympathetically, before going back to her dinner.

The Patels came over to see how the boys' stay at Sanctuary was right as we were sitting down for dinner, so then ended up staying. I think Nanda wanted to go to the Sanctuary with those who went to get the power back on, but it would have been unnecessary, so Martin told her to stay here.

I wonder if it has anything to do with that guy she was talking to before. If so, really? They chit chatted once. At least I think it was one time, but still, it's not like they fell romantically in love with each other. He's probably was just being nice to get in her pants. Some guys aren't so apparent. They long con you into bed with the nice guy act.

"So, did you have fun at your dad's?" Ravinder asks the boys.

"Yeah, our dad is really fun." Abel answers, sticking a single pea in his mouth.

"What sort of stuff did you do?"

"Yeah, I'm really interested in knowing that as well," I look at Abel, "What kind of things did your dad let you do for fun?"

"Um…," Abel looks up in thought, "We got to color and read books…and do our homework."

I lift my brow. "That's all?"

"Well, that was when Dad was working and his wives had to watch us."

I stick my tongue in my cheek, glancing over at Jolyon for a moment. "Were you with them a lot?"

"Um, sometimes, but only when Dad had to deleget." Abel answers.

"Deleget? You mean delegate?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, brother."

"What'd you do when Dad was home?" Lourdes asks.

"We played games and got to do fun stuff," Abel points to Jolyon, "Jol got to shoot bottles on the roof."

"Sounds dangerous." Lourdes notes mildly.

"Yeah, and I got to throw rocks at them," Abel goes on, "And Dad let us stay up past our bedtime. Well, only a few times, because he said I got too cranky in the morning."

"Wow, sounds like you had a fun time."

"Yeah," Abel nods, "Oh, and we got to say bad words."

"What?" I look up from my food.

"Only when Dad said it was okay."

I peer over at Jolyon. He looks down. Of course, the one old enough to know better still wouldn't pass up the opportunity to fire off a couple of curse words.

"And we got to race in the halls."

"With scissors in your hand?" I ask sarcastically.

"No."

I roll my eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if he let them handle a flamethrower.

"My favorite thing was getting to pee off the roof."

"What?" Nanda scoffs with slight humor in her voice.

"Dad let us pee off the roof once."

"Are you fu-" I hold my tongue, "Are you joking?"

"No," Abel shakes his head, "It's okay, Mom. There was no one down there when I did it."

My eyes move on Jolyon. "Did you also pee off the roof?"

"No," Jolyon immediately denies, "Just Abel. He had to go and Negan didn't want to leave me on the roof with the gun."

"Why didn't he just have you leave the roof, too?" Lourdes inquires with a face of disgust. "Or take the gun away?"

Jolyon shrugs his shoulders.

"It was fun!" Abel chuckles. "It went all the way down to the very bottom."

"Well, I'm glad you had fun, because it'll be the last time you ever do that again, do you understand?" My tone is curt and final.

Abel nods, sheepishly. "Yes."

I sigh through my nose, pissed. I knew Negan wasn't telling me everything. "Didn't you do any quiet activities with Dad? Was it all…snakes and snails and puppy dog tails?"

Abel looks confused. "Dad doesn't have a puppy, Mom. He's only got Pip."

"I mean, was it all boy stuff?" I clarify. "All you did was make trouble?"

"No, we played catch," Jolyon says, "And Negan had a football, so he taught us how to throw that. And…we played cards."

"You gambled?"

He shrugs. "With a jar of assorted nuts…M&Ms for Abel."

I put my hand over my eye. "Did he let you smoke and drink, too? Jesus."

"It was just Go Fish, Mom," Jolyon assures me, "We played board games, too."

I sigh. "Anything else? Did you burn down any abandoned buildings, or…play that knife game where you stab between your fingers?"

"No."

"We had fun, Mom," Abel says, "Dad has movies and let us watch one before bed."

"Kid movies?" I look to Jolyon.

"Um, some, but nothing scary or rated R."

"No nudity?"

"Nope."

"Okay."

"It really wasn't as bad as it sounds, Mom. Honest," Jolyon tells me, "Negan is just...new at being a dad."

"Aw." Ravinder says quietly.

I nod my head. Lourdes and I share a look.

…

The house is like an icebox. I turned in the wood stove to try and warm the place before bed, but the heat always finds a way to escape. I made the boys put extra layers on for bed tonight and even suggested that Jolyon sleep with Abel and I.

The boys fell asleep after some hot cocoa before bed to fill their bellies with enough warmth to make them sleepy. I drank some mint tea but I haven't relaxed my mind enough to get to sleep.

The look on Negan's face when he told Abel that he didn't know if I could come with them to the Sanctuary still bothers me.

I get out of bed gently so I won't wake the boys. I drape a blanket over my shoulders and walk out of the bedroom to sit on the couch alone for awhile to think.

Was I in the wrong for being upset at his answer? I didn't intend on starting an argument like he accused me of. I really do wish we would have found each other before we both became who we are. Life might have been different. Don't get me wrong, I like where I am, but I'd like to think that if I asked him to walk away from all this with me, he would, and we'd be happy together with our family.

Sometimes, back before we found Halcyon and I had time to day dream, I would lay awake and think about the life we could have had if I had waited for him longer. We'd live somewhere quiet and pastoral, living off the fat of the land with our family. I know, it's sort of cliche, but it's a lot better than living in some factory like he wants.

I guess maybe it's not fair to be mad at him for his answer, even if it is based on some stupid, egotistical delusion that he's making a difference in the world. It is all just hypothetical. We didn't find each other sooner.

I try to enclose myself further into the blanket as I sulk on the couch. It's so fucking cold in here. I'm surprised I can't see my breath.

I lay my head down on the arm rest, closing my eyes to maybe get some rest. But a creaking sound opens my eyes again. It's the front door.

I listen as the door slowly opens and shuts again with a little force from the winter wind. Footsteps approach the couch. I don't have my gun or my knife, but I'm ready to fight.

"Pippa?"

I furrow my brows at the soft whisper of my name. A hand touches my shoulder and I instantly turn. "Jesus?"

Paul stares down at me with his piercing, but friendly blue eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He smiles. "It's nice to see you, too, Pippa."

I sit up. "I didn't think you'd come back."

"Why? Because you made a deal with the Saviors?"

"It's been a few months," I reply, "Usually I'd see you sooner than now."

"Well, that was because you could afford to help Hilltop when we were in need."

"Always happy to help." I say with some wryness. I arch my brow. "Was that you I saw in the woods earlier?"

Jesus smirks as he leans against the wall.

"So, you saw him?"

"Who? Negan?" Jesus shakes his head. "No. When you spotted me, I climbed up in a tree, thinking you'd come after me. I saw the car but I couldn't make him out with the branches in my way."

I nod my head. "You didn't follow us back until now?"

"I found the trucks that were with him," Jesus tells me, "I thought following them back would be more beneficial."

"And what'd you find?"

"The radio station."

Again, I nod. Nothing then.

"Seems like things must be going pretty well, if you trust the Saviors with your kids."

I don't answer. "We got the same deal you got."

"I could've told you that."

"Right."

"Why'd he take the kids?"

"They're home now."

"I see that," He says, "But why did he take them?"

"Part of the deal."

Jesus grows concerned. "And you're okay with that?"

"Negan wouldn't hurt them."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I just do."

He arches my brow. "So, you're what? In good with them?"

"In some ways."

"What does that mean, Pippa?"

"It means we've been trading goods and services to pay off our debt and Negan's pleased with us." I dismiss.

"And when you do something to displease him?"

"Negan hasn't made any threats and no one's gotten hurt," I shrug, "I'm fine with how things are operating."

Jesus scoffs incredulously."Maybe you should see for yourself how Negan really operates."

I furrow my brows. "What?"

"Come to Hilltop with me," Jesus suggests, "You'll see what the Saviors are capable of."

…

"How long will you be gone?"

"A few hours," I tell Lourdes, "Maybe a day."

"I think I should go with you."

"You need to stay to look after the boys and Halcyon," I throw my pack in the truck, "I'll be fine on my own." I spot Jesus coming towards the car. "With Jesus."

"Why are you going again?"

"To meet Gregory."

"And why the hell would you do that?" Lourdes huffs. "What good will that do us? We can't trade with them."

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

Lourdes sighs through her nose. "You say goodbye to the boys?"

"Of course," I confirm, "Are you gonna look after them?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"You think it's a good idea to leave?"

I look at her as I get into the truck, where Jesus is already buckled and ready to roll. People don't dislike Jesus, they just don't like that he asks for resources with no intentions of offering any back. Sort of like the Saviors but with less hostility.

"Does the radio work?" He asks.

I look over at him with a raised brow as I drive through the gates. "What you mean music?"

"Yeah," He nods, "Does the CD player work?"

"Oh...yeah."

"Good." Jesus reaches into his trench coat. He pulls forth a CD in a clear plastic case.

I raise my brow again. "Really?"

"I know it's not the best, but hey," Paul shrugs with a smile, "Music is one of the few things that all people enjoy."

"You're right," I exhale, "But Nickelback is the one band that all people hate."

"They weren't the best, but you mean to tell me that there isn't one song of theirs you don't like?"

"Mmm ...Nope."

"Liar," Jesus chuckles under his breath, "Everyone likes 'em more they're willing to admit."

"You mean to tell me that back before the change you were a hardcore Nickelback fan?"

"No, but I liked some of their songs."

I scoff. "If I had known that, I would have never spoken to you."

Jesus looks over at me and smiles in disbelief.

"Alright, which way to Hilltop?"

…

It takes us four hours to reach Hilltop, which is in fact on top of a hill. The walls of the community are similar to the walls of Halcyon. When they open the gates to Jesus, I learn that the place is much smaller than home. Less buildings, very few in fact, but plenty of camps and structures that resemble the makings of houses.

It looks mostly agrarian, but again our livestock outnumbers what I can see of theirs. The pounding of a blacksmith's hammer is one of the first things I hear when getting out of the car. People stare curiously at me as I stalk around to meet Jesus.

"Who's this?" A man asks, walking up.

"This is Pippa Barnes," Jesus tells him, "She's a good, long friend of mine."

The man looks me over, unimpressed. "What? She needs a place to stay?"

"No, she wants to talk to Gregory," Jesus explains, "She's from a place far from here."

"What do you want to talk to Gregory about?" The man asks me directly.

"You his secretary?" I reply.

The man scoffs.

"Pippa is a friend," Jesus says, "She's done us a lot of good when we were low on our cut to the Saviors, so be civil."

The man glances me over again.

I follow Jesus as he begins to walk towards a large, grand house in the dead center of the community.

"A plantation house?"

"No, just an old 18th century mansion that was turned into a museum."

I nod my head. "Sort of like Halcyon."

"Yeah, sort of." Jesus goes up the front steps and I go after him. He doesn't knock, he just simply opens the front door.

The inside of the mansion is immaculate. Huge, glorious paintings in mahogany frames hang on the walls. The furniture is old like Halcyon's but much more nicer. The staircase is perhaps the most impressive. It looks like it could have been in _Gone With the Wind._

"How many people live here?"

"Just Gregory."

I look over at him. "One man?"

"Yeah…" Jesus sighs.

"Jesus!" A swift, angry whisper gets both our attention at the top of the stairs. An older man practically hides around a corner. He fiercely waves Paul over, as if I'm not aware he's there.

Jesus arches his brow at the man, who I assume must be Gregory. He motions me to follow before ascending the staircase. The man gripes audibly below his breath as he sees the two of us, me especially, coming towards him. He finally makes himself more apparent.

"Gregory." Jesus greets.

"How dare you bring Hilltop another mouth to feed!" Gregory rudely responds, "Two weeks until the end of the month; you got some nerve. I'm sorry, I really am, but your little lady friend is going to have to leave."

"This is Pippa Barnes," Jesus introduces me, annoyed, "She's the leader of Halcyon."

Gregory acknowledges me, but with a deep furrow as he looks me up and down. "What? Her?"

It's hard not to take offense to that.

"Yes, her."

"You can't be serious," Gregory says with almost a laughing scoff, "She's a girl."

"Good eye." I retort.

He looks at me. "Pardon me, what I mean to say is that you're a little young to be leading anything other than a sewing circle, aren't you?"

I huff, peering over at Jesus. "Is he joking?"

"Gregory, Pippa has provided us with food and other resources that we needed it. Have a little more manners that."

"You forget who is in charge of this place, Paul, and in charge of you," Gregory argues, "Now, why on earth did you bring her here?"

"I wanted to meet you," I say to him, "I wanted to meet the man who shamelessly takes handouts with no intentions of returning the favor." I look him over. "And then has the balls to question me as a leader."

"Oh, so that's why you've come?" Gregory scoffs. "To get some sort of repayment? Everything you gave us was a charitable donation!"

"I don't give charitable donations," I correct him, "I generously give to people in need, but only with the understanding that we'll eventually be square."

"Well, if you'd like to be repaid, I suggest you take it up with the Saviors." He walks dismissively through a doorway into a large office.

I cross my arms. "I do wonder how the Saviors would feel knowing that you kept Halcyon a secret for all this time."

Gregory stops in his tracks. "You know the Saviors?"

It's bitter to admit it, but I stare back in confirmation.

This seems to send a panic in Gregory. "Well, good god, what the devil are you doing here? Leave! I want nothing to do with you. If they find out we've known about each other, they'll-"

"Be pissed to know you've been skirting by on someone else's hard work? Hiding a gold mine like Halcyon for yourself?" I tsk-tsk. "Knowing Negan, he'll want an explanation."

Gregory turns, eyeing me. "You've met Negan?"

"We've known each other for a while," I tell him, "And Halcyon is sort of in favor with him at the moment, so I think getting an audience with him would be easy as pie."

Jesus looks over at me.

"Y-you wouldn't," Gregory says, clearly concerned, "You wouldn't do something that cruel. Endanger the lives of these good people?"

I arch my brow in response.

"Look, i-it's not that I don't want to pay you back for your kindness, but we owe half of everything to the Saviors and-"

"Relax, I didn't come here for payment," I cut him off, "I just wanted to meet you is all. Finally see Hilltop, since I've been begging Paul to bring me."

Jesus gives me a look. "I wanted Pippa to see Rory's grave."

Gregory appears squeamish. "Why on earth would you show her that?"

Paul meets my eyes gravely. "So, she could see who the Saviors really are."

The leader looks over at me, curious. "Haven't you, uh, learned how grave they were already? You owe to them, don't you?"

I break my gaze with Jesus, clearing my throat. "We've had fairly hospitable interactions with the Saviors."

"How is that possible?" Gregory asks me. "They're absolute thugs. Barbarians."

I blink to Jesus who doesn't appear to deny what Gregory's saying.

"What did you do to escape their brutality?"

I look on Gregory with what I know is a cold stare.

"Come on, Pippa," Jesus starts to walk out, "I'll take you to Rory's grave."

I follow Jesus, moving past Gregory.

"Y-you can't stay here, you know," He calls after me, "You have to leave, do you hear me?"

I go down the stairs with Jesus. "Your leader is a coward."

"You don't have to tell me that," Jesus says, "He calls them thugs now, but he rolls out the hospitality when they come to collect. He doesn't like confrontation and he only wishes he had the good report with Negan you do."

"I don't think he's Negan's type."

Jesus pauses at the foot of the stairs. "You...and him?"

"No, of course not," I lie like a dog, "It was a joke."

"Hm." He nods, proceeding out the door of the mansion.

Jesus leads me towards the back of the community where their graveyard is. He stops at a small cross made of two sticks strung together. A small thing of wilted flowers rest on the ground below it.

"Martha."

I look to Jesus and then turn my head the other way to follow his gaze. A woman of her mid forties comes over.

"This is Martha," Jesus tells me, "She's Rory's mother."

I suddenly feel like I've been cornered.

Martha smiles a tried smile at me. "Hello."

"Hello." I smile back.

She looks down at the grave and her smile wanes. "I try to put flowers at his grave every week, but nothing really grows here in the winter."

I nod my head in silence.

"The Saviors killed Rory the first time they came to Hilltop." Jesus reminds me.

Martha's fleeting smile goes. Her face grows than sorrowful. "He had just started to apprentice the blacksmith."

I look at the grave.

"The Saviors chose him to kill to set an example," Jesus informs me, "Selected him out of the crowd of us and then bludgeoned him to death."

Martha's lip quivers and tears gloss in her eyes.

Jesus motions me to leave with him and let her alone. I don't need encouragement to want to leave. As we walk away, she begins to cry.

"What was that?" I snap under my breath. "Having his mother come meet us? What a dirty pull."

"Pippa, the Saviors killed a sixteen year old kid because Negan told them to kill one of us to instill fear and compliance."

"He didn't say kill a kid," I shake my head, "Negan wouldn't do that. Whoever killed him did it because they're sick fucks, not because they were told to specifically kill a kid."

"They were given orders to kill someone," Jesus argues back, "You're right, there weren't any specifics details on who, because it didn't matter who, so long as someone was dead."

"But not a-"

"Does it matter?" Jesus stops and turns to me. "Rory is dead because that's how the Saviors intimidate people into working for them. For Negan."

I stare, wanting to be in denial.

"Hilltop starves on our ration because the Saviors don't care if we do, so long as they and Negan get their half."

I look off, defiant.

"Pippa, I know you don't want to believe it, but it's the truth," He sighs, "I'm your friend. You've been good to Hilltop. Ten times better than Gregory. I'm just trying to give you a heads up to what Halcyon has in store."

I nod my head, feeling the cold on my cheek. "Thanks for bringing me here, Paul." I look up to meet his eyes with a plain smile. "I should go."

He nods, somewhat sympathetic. "Safe travels."

"Thanks." I put out my hand and he shakes it. I look up and notice Gregory staring down from a window. "He's real lucky someone like me doesn't live here."

Paul follows my eyes. He scoffs, humored. "Yeah."

…

The drive home feels longer than the ride to Hilltop. I've got a Billie Holiday Greatest Hits CD in the car which I sing along with here and there with no care in my tone. It's gotten dark and colder.

There's such a weight on my mind, I keep having to shake it. That's when I start to sing to the music.

"All of me!" I bellow out in the car bitterly. "Why not take all of me?!"

A drifter straggles down the empty road. I swerve around it to avoid hitting it. I end up clipping it anyway.

God, I wanna go to bed. I wanna see my boys. I wanna fucking drink. I'm obviously not gonna have one, but man could I use a gin and I'm not talking some fru-fru spritz.

I roll down the window, turning down Billie for the feel of cold air on my face. It always cures me. So do my kids, which is why I'm going eighty in what used to be a fifty-five.

I can smell the chimneys and it brings me a sense of relief and exhaustion. The first night shift see me coming and open the gates.

I park the truck and sling my pack over my shoulder. Home sweet home. I trudge home down the dimly lit streets. Lourdes' house is dark, which means she kept the kids at my house. I smell something good. Fingers crossed it's coming from the house.

I open the door. "Hey, I'm-"

Negan turns his head, looking right at me. "Welcome home, darling."

I stare, speechless with dread.

Lourdes is sitting over with the kids and the dog.

"Hey, Mom!"

"Hey, Abel."

"Did you have fun going-"

"On my run?" I cut him off, peeling off my coat. "Yeah, I did. Thanks for asking." I glance back to Negan. "What are you doing back so early?"

"Your men got our power up and running, so I thought I'd return 'em to you," He looks me over with a little suspicion, "Where've you been? I've been waiting all damn day for you."

"I went on a run looking for meds."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

"Do you always go alone?" He asks with skepticism in his voice.

"Sometimes, when I need a little alone time," I breezily say, "What smells good?"

"I made dinner," Negan replies, "Thought you'd be home in time to join us, but you weren't, so we gave the leftovers to Lour's pooch."

"Oh, okay," I go to the fridge, "I'll just make myself a sandwich. Sorry I kept you waiting."

"Were you successful?"

"Pardon?"

"Did you find anything?"

"Oh," I hold the jar of mustard, "Yeah, I found some things."

"Medicine?"

"Oh, no, I didn't have any luck there, but I found some other little things."

"Like?"

"Tampons." I lie.

Negan shifts to look at me. "You were out all day for tampons?"

"Yeah, I guess I was," I chuckle, "I didn't have a good day."

"I'll fuckin' say." Negan scoffs, swirling liquid in his glass.

I notice the amber brown liquid he's drinking. "Is that scotch?"

"Man, your nose still can bloodhound alcohol, huh?"

I briefly glance at Lourdes before watching him take a swig. "I don't keep alcohol in the house."

"I had Lourdes get some for dinner from hers."

I bite my lip, keeping my cool. "Well, um, I don't really let it in the house."

Negan downs the rest of it, setting the glass down with an all too familiar sound. "There, it's gone."

I'm not gonna lie; that oddly hurt and I don't think he meant it to. Or maybe he did, which makes the sting all the more searing.

"Mom, did Jesus go home?" Abel asks me.

Negan looks over at him with a flinch of bewilderment before peering over to me for the answer.

"Yes, Abel," I answer with a nod, "Jesus went home...to heaven."

"He's dead?" Abel's voice grows distressed.

"No," I immediately say, "Um…I mean, ye- No. That's the name of his home."

"Oh, okay."

I smile at him and then flicker my eyes to Negan's curiously sharp eye.

"When will he be back?"

"I don't know, but we can talk about it later." I go back to making my sandwich. "So, are you leaving now?"

"It's ten o'clock at night."

"Oh." I nod, before pausing, "Wait, why are the kids not in bed?"

"They wanted to wait up for you," Negan tells me, "Didn't think you'd be this late."

I want to fire back how he could've made them go to bed when it was clear I wouldn't be home as soon as he thought, but I have to be cool.

I take a quiet breath. "I lost track of time."

"You should get yourself a watch, or something."

I bite my lip. "Yeah, maybe."

"Boys, it's time for bed." Lourdes says, practically hostage in this whole thing.

Abel yawns. "Okay."

Jolyon doesn't say anything. He looks over at me in a communicative way, before he moves to the order.

"Mom, are you gonna read me a story?" Abel yawns again.

"I'll be right in," I say to him, "Go ahead and lay down and wait for me."

"Okay." He goes into my bedroom. I know he'll likely be passed out by the time I'm finished making my sandwich.

"Jol." I motion for him to follow.

"But it's not that cold tonight," Jolyon replies, already slipping underneath his covers, "And Negan's staying the night."

"Negan can stay on the couch." I retort without acknowledging Negan's turn of the head, "But if you want, you can sleep in your bed."

Jolyon lays down, rolling over to face the wall.

"Well, I'm gonna call it a night," Lourdes stretches, "I'll see ya mañana."

"Bye, thanks for watching the kids."

She gives me a casual, but telling look. "Night."

"Night."

"Aren't you forgetting to say goodnight to

someone?"

Lourdes looks at Negan with an fake smile. "Sweet dreams."

"How can I not after seeing you walk away?"

She scoffs caustically. "Asshole." She leaves the house.

I shoot him a look, but say nothing. I just go back to making my dinner.

"Wow, nothing?"

"What?"

"I was expecting you to bite my head off for being a dick to Lourdes."

"Oh, well, I wouldn't want to ruin the good time we're having."

"Are we having a good time?" Negan asks. "Because I'm not in the greatest of fucking moods having had to sit here all fucking day for you and you're over there making sandwiches, suddenly preaching gospel to our kids."

I knit my brows. "What?"

"Since when are you religious?"

"I'm not...I don't think," I look over at him, "What are you talking about?"

"Jesus," Negan says in a non-cursing way for once, "Abel was asking about Jesus."

"Oh," I nod, spreading mustard on a slice of bread, "That."

"You a preacher now?"

"No, he...just asked about Jesus…." I bite my lip, thinking, "Because Christmas is coming up and someone mentioned Jesus and Abel asked me who that was and I just sort of gave him a brief run down. That's it."

"Huh…" Negan inspects me, as if trying to decide if he should buy that at all. "You celebrate Christmas?"

I shrug. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Sort of seems, I don't know, pointless," He says, "Like maybe there's more important things to worry about than some holiday."

"It's nothing major or even religious for the most part," I tell him, "Just a little community potluck for those who want to celebrate community togetherness."

"Community togetherness?" He makes a face like it's the lamest thing he's ever heard.

"Yeah, food and gift giving...merriment," I nonchalantly suggest, "We even incorporate some Hannakah traditions."

"So, you all just get together in the middle of this place and eat food and what? Sing Christmas carols?"

"We come together as neighbors and have a nice time," I simply say, "We even celebrate New Years, although the kids and I usually do something at home..because of the alcohol."

"Well, isn't that just the cutest fuckin' thing I have ever heard?" Negan huffs tauntingly. "You people really are like _Little House on the Prairie_."

"Was that like your favorite show growing up, or something?" I cock my brow. "You bring it up a lot."

"You mean to tell me you didn't wait every week for a new episode as a kid?"

"You forget I'm younger than you," I mildly sigh, cutting my sandwich in two, "I didn't watch it until after the show was reruns."

"Fuck you." He chuckles alone.

I offer a soft smile, focusing on my task. I stand at the counter, taking a bite of my sandwich.

"Sit down."

"I'm fine here." I chew.

Negan's eyes gently glance over me.

"The power back on at the Sanctuary?"

"Yep," He confirms, "Your men are aces at fixing shit mine are too stupid to figure out. Sort of an embarrassment when you realize how simple it was to fix."

I nod my head. "I'm glad you aren't in the dark anymore."

"Me, too…" Negan continues to study me, "You're quieter than usual."

"You aren't," I say softly, "Jolyon's trying to sleep."

Negan looks over his shoulder. "Oh, yeah. Wonder if Abel's still awake."

"If we haven't heard him by now, then no."

"Huh." Negan shifts back to normal.

"Blankets are in the closet, if you wanna turn in."

"On the couch?"

I look at him, nodding. "Mhm."

"You know I'm taller than the couch, right?" Negan hikes his thumb back. "My feet hang over the fucking end."

"Curl up and they won't do that." I lick the mayo-mustard swirl off the corner of my lip.

"I'm too fuckin' big to do that."

"You can fit."

Negan rubs his eyes with an exhale. "Can't I just sleep in your room with you and Abel?"

I look up, meeting his eyes and then lowering them. "Um, no, I don't think so."

"Because of the words we had two days ago?"

"Yeah…"

He groans under his breath. "It was a stupid fight, Pippa."

"It wasn't stupid to me."

"It was fuckin' hypotheticals," He moves his hand from his face, looking at me, "Shit that doesn't matter, because it didn't turn out that way. We didn't find each other sooner. We are where we are; it is what it is."

I prop myself up on the counter, grabbing the second half of my sandwich. "Yeah, I guess it is."

Negan exhales again, frustrated. "Pip, if you think for one second that I didn't cry my eyes fucking raw convincing myself that you and the kids were dead, before I wore myself to death looking for you than you're fucking out of your goddamn mind."

"I believe you," I tell him, "Trust me, I do. But you also said you wouldn't change where we ended up."

"I wouldn't change where I ended up."

I look over at him. That's what bothers me. He would still be who he is and do what he does now. To Halcyon. To Hilltop.

"I could have used you around as my right hand."

I scoff a little. "You think I'd be your right hand man?"

"Well, you'd be much more than just my wife."

"Gee, one of your wives? I bite into my sandwich. "What a life."

"I didn't say _a_ wife, I said my wife."

"I heard you."

"I meant you'd be my only wife, asshole."

I look up. "I can't be your only wife now. He'll, I can't even be one of your wives."

"You can," He suggests, "In time."

I huff. "Right, I forgot. You can't give your wives the boot until you no longer worry about looking emasculated in front of people."

"You don't want any PDA from me, because you're afraid of looking like you're wrapped around me."

"Did you just say 'PDA'?" I raise my brow. "Like Public Displays of Affection?"

"Yeah."

"You're not a high school teacher anymore, dude; you can't say things like that now."

"Pardon me?"

"Back at Southcastle High, you could get away with that in an ironic sort of way, but now you just seem like an old man trying to relate to our kids."

Negan lets out a laugh.

"Sh!" I put my finger to my lips, then pointing it towards the kids.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He chuckles, "But that was fuckin' funny."

"Not as funny as you trying to be cool and talk like the young people."

"Fuck off, you beautiful asshole," Negan grins, "I'll have you fuckin' know that I am the eptipome of cool and have been since before you were a twinkle in your dad's eye."

I wipe my mouth with a cloth napkin. "I'm sure people get extra points for telling you that."

Negan stands up from his chair, tickled, as he walks over. "You think you're real fuckin' cute."

"Mhm." I take another bite of my sandwich. I glance up and I shake my head. "Oh, Negan, no." I extend my foot out to keep the distance. "Go to bed. Stop!"

Negan takes my leg and works his hands up as he comes closer. "What? I'm just bringing my glass to the sink."

"You don't even have the glass with you," I push him away, "Stop, I'm eating."

He takes the remaining crust in my hand and eats it with a smart smile.

"Gross," I look at him in disgust, "I have a cold."

"You do fuckin' not." He tries to kiss me, but I move my head.

"You can't just decide we're in a good mood because I made you laugh."

"Make me laugh some more." He puts his arms around the small of my back.

"Mm, better not," I push on him, "I tend to ruin things every time we start to have fun. Make you look like an asshole."

"I don't give shit," Negan says with a soft huskiness, "I don't like this chilly, aloof, walking on eggshells, Pippa. I want the Pippa that sasses the fuck out of me and gets me angrier than no one else alive." He moves between my legs. "Hotter, too."

I arch my brow at him, before I start to giggle. "You've got mustard on your upper lip."

He chuckles with me.

"You thought you were being so smooth!" I cackle, wiping the smidge of mustard off with my thumb.

Negan smiles at me with his toothy grin. His eyes are bright with humor. "I fuckin' love you, Pippa."

"When you're not hating me."

"I could never hate you, you crazy broad."

"Don't call me a crazy broad."

"Alright, I could never hate you, you _sane_ broad."

I smile, letting him kiss me on the lips.

"Tell me you love me back."

"I can't tell you something that isn't true."

"Damn, you get me so hot."

I hit my head on the cabinet. "Negan!" I touch the soreness. "Every fuckin' time!"

"Sorry," He chuckles, "I got a little excited."

"Yeah, what's new?" I put my arms around him, moving my fingers through his hair.

Our making out gets heavy real quick. I can feel his hands at my jeans and I want them there.

"Are we gonna do this?"

I nod with a feeling of guilt in my belly. "Yeah."

"Scoot forward," He tells me, "I can't reach you."

I move towards him. "Oh," I meet his gaze, aroused, "You forgot to take your gun belt off."

Negan grins. "No, I remembered."

I smirk. "Oh, you're just really happy."

"Happy and hard," Negan pecks my lips, "The two things you know how to make me."

"I could care less if you're happy, I just like it when you're ha-"

"Ew, guys!" Jolyon groans. "I can hear you!"

"Oh, shit," My cheeks redden, "S-sorry, honey!"

Jolyon pulls his blanket over his head with a grumble.

I push Negan back, mortified. "We should go to bed."

"You're forgetting the little one's in there."

I lift my brow. "I meant to sleep!" I whisper sharply.

Negan sighs. "I guess, but I've gotta take care something first."

I look down and exhale, leaping down. "Get your jacket on."

…

"Is this Halcyon's equivalent of makeout point?" Negan asks smartly. "An empty cabin in the woods?"

"It was the old Purtian's cabin," I tell him, "At least that's what the plaque outside says. He lived on the outskirts of town to 'keep himself away from the wicked ways of society.'"

"Huh," He nods, "So, this is where people come to play hide the salami?"

"Yes, this is where people come to picnic."

"Mm, excellent spot, mother."

"Don't call me mother when you're about to do things to me that no one should even think about doing to their mother."

"Did I ever mention that I fucking love the shit out of you?"

"Not as often as you should, because I am a saint for putting up with you."

"Really? Is that why you act like such a fucking victim all the time?"

"Hey, you can make me look like just as much of an asshole as I do you."

"All I heard was 'do you.'" He touches my butt, "How about you and I picnic over there on that bed?"

"You mean the bed that other people have fucked on?"

"It looks clean," Negan says, "The bed's made."

I wince. "Why don't we start a fire and do it on the rug?"

"What is it with you and rugs all of the sudden?" He chuckles. "You think people aren't fucking each other on that thing, too?"

"Yeah...why did I bring you here again?"

"Because we were getting hot and heavy in your pitiful house and Jolyon could hear everything."

"Right…" I look around the dark cabin, "I bet people haven't done it on top of the bedspread, right? People generally get under the covers?"

"Generally."

I nod my head, a little apprehensive. "Alright, fuck it. Start a fire."

"Do you remember that thing I wanted to do years ago and you said we could do it, but we never got to?"

I take off my coat, thinking about it. "You mean you finishing on my tits?"

"Oh, good, you do remember."

"We did that."

"No, we fuckin' didn't."

"Yeah, I remember that."

"I think I wouldn't forget something like that, so no, we didn't."

"I'm sure we did."

"You fucking liar."

"Why is that something that interests you?"

"I like titties and I like seeing my baby batter on 'em."

"Why?"

"I don't ask you why you like married men."

I scowl. "I don't like married men, they like me."

"Boy, do we ever."

I roll my eyes. "It's not a humiliation thing, right? Like you don't get off shaming women by shooting your gravy on them?"

"What?" Negan furrows his brows at me from by the fireplace. "No. I think you asked me this before and I already told you no." He smirks. "I mean, unless that's your thing, in which case I'd be happy to help get you off."

I scoff, sitting down on the bed to take off my boots.

"I just like it when you watch me jerk it to you."

"You're depraved," I sigh, "But I'll admit it does sound kind of hot having someone jerk it to me...at least in front of me with my consent."

"You see, we're two depraved peas in a pod," Negan starts a fire in the fireplace, "If you call that sort of thing depraved. I could think of a lot of kinky shit that makes me wanna repent for just having the knowledge that people are into that shit."

"You know, baby, you're actually not as kinky as you think," I lay back on the bed, with my hands under my head, "I mean, all we ever did was screw around in your office with closed blinds and in your car when no one was around...like private public sex, which is no more risky than fucking someone in the bathroom at a bar, really."

"Who the hell fucks in the bathroom?" Negan shrugs off his coat, looking me over.

I arch my brow.

"Public restrooms are fucking cesspools of bacteria and shit," He goes on, "You're lucky you didn't catch something."

"Are we gonna have the sex, or are we just gonna talk about it?"

"I still can't believe you fucked Yancy."

"Who?"

"Yancy," Negan kicks off his shoes as he undresses, "The guy I got into a fight with at that bar on New Years over your dumb ass."

"How do you remember his name?" I ask, bewildered. "Wait, did you like exchange names before you got into it?"

"No, dipshit, he's one of my guards at the front gates back at the Sanctuary."

I stare with big eyes. "What?"

"Yeah, I thought he looked familiar and then I put two and two together one day. Told him there was no hard feelings but I stuck him on graveyard shift."

"Wow…" Can this world get any smaller? "That was awfully petty."

"Hey, no one fuckin' tells me my woman is good to go and easy as sunday morning and gets away with it," The bed creaks as he towers over me, "I already know all those things about you."

I huff. "Why don't we both shut the fuck up and do this? We're getting way too distracted."

"You started it." He kisses me affectionately.

"No, I didn't, you did."

"Did not."

"Yes, you were the one who asked if I remembered the whole jerking off on my tits thing."

"Yeah, as a suggestion," Negan chuckles, "And then you started in about kinks."

"No, you did!"

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did, because you said something about that not being the worst kink out there and I said that we weren't really that kinky and…"

"Aha, see you did start it."

"But then you started talking about bathroom sex, you sick asshole."

"You're the fucking sick asshole who actually had bathroom sex!"

I go to retort, but end up laughing. Negan laughs, too. "Oh, god. How'd we become leaders of anything? How does anyone take either of us seriously? We're just a couple goofballs who like prattling on more than we like sex."

"You can be a goofball and still bring the bat down."

My smile fades a little. The bat. The one right in the corner over there that he claims is just a bat, yet affectionately refers to it as a her with the name of his dead wife. And the very bat he uses to command people to kill others to assert authority. Sixteen year old boys included.

"What's the matter, honey?"

I blink and then pick up a soft smile. "Nothing."

"You tired?"

"No, no, I...I just love you."

Negan smiles, kissing me tenderly. "I love you, too, goofball."

I slip my hands around to his warm back. I feel some grooves towards the middle above his hips. "What happened here?"

"Uh, nothing; I just scratched myself too hard when I was sleeping." Negan sits up, straddling me, as he unbuttons my pants.

I pull them down with him, staring up curiously. "You scratched yourself at night?"

"Yeah, it's winter," Negan sticks his hand under my shirt, "My skin got a little itchy. What's the big fuckin' deal?"

I shake my head, lifting myself enough to take my shirt off and unhook my bra. I pull my panites down as Negan takes off his drawers, gripping his cock. I part my legs, so he can get close enough to enter me when he's ready.

This is makeup sex. I can tell by how tender but hard he's going and how much I want him to, even though we technically reconciled an hour ago. The bedframe is slamming up against the wall. We're at liberty to moan and groan and even grunt as much as we want, because there's no kids around to be quiet for.

Negan's bucking into me like his life depends on it. He slides his hand under me to get me to sit up. He moves back, disconnecting us, just so I can straddle him. I get on top of him and moan as I ease myself down on him.

"Get going." He says, pressing his hand on my back. I ride him with just as much fervor as he was thrusting into me.

Negan kisses my breasts for a moment, but can't seem to bear to do anything but pant out moans as I keep going.

"Fuck, Pippa." He breathlessly says.

I stop for a moment, my insides twitching around him.

He moves us back to the position before, returning to fucking me with so much passion it almost seems like hatred. But it isn't.

My fingers find those scratch marks as I feel myself about to come again. He pulls out of me and begins to work his hand up and down his cock, looking me in the eyes. I stare back, but my finger traipses those marks. He grunts and finishes.

He breathes heavy and relieved with his eyes closed. "Goddamn."

"Satisfied?"

He opens his eyes, still panting. He chuckles a little, before kissing me and rolling off to the side. I look at him, also catching my breath.

"How rude of me," Negan looks down my body, "Let me get you something." He turns to get out of bed. The scratch marks on his back are small, harsh lines. I stare at them quietly.

"Here you go, my dear."

I take the cloth he's extended me and use it to clean up.

He leans down and takes my lips with his. "You are a goddamn beauty, you know that?"

"I've been told."

He smiles. "Scooch over."

"What?"

"I said scooch," Negan lifts up the blankets, "I wanna rest for a minute before we head back."

"I am not sleeping here." I tell him, moving over. "I can't believe you're actually getting under there.

"It's clean," Negan smells the linens, "Whoever was here last washed 'em."

That being the case, I slip under the covers with him. They do smell fresh. How polite.

Negan put his arm around me, snuggling up. He breathes contently against me. "I love you."

"I know."

"We gotta stop fighting, you and me," He says, "I don't like being mad at you, which is probably why I always cave."

I scoff lightly. "You just hope it'll lead to sex."

He snickers softly. "I'm not usually wrong."

I exhale, mildly frustrated.

"But seriously, you're my best friend, Pip," Negan says, "I fuckin' mean that. There's no one else I'd rather be around twenty-four seven, through thick and thin, yelling and fucking laughing two minutes later with than wih you."

I remain quiet, softly combing my fingers through his hair.

A booming pound on the door makes both of us jump. I can hear the growling of drifters outside, trying to get in. They must have heard the bed hitting the wall.

"Shit!" Negan gets up. "Come on, we gotta go. Get dressed."

I move off the bed and as I gather up my clothes, I see them outside through the window. "Negan."

"Yeah, just let me put my damn pants on."

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Pip, I'll take care of 'em, just give me a…" He stops talking when he sees what I see. There's gotta be at least fifty of them out there. "Ah, fucking hell."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Happy New Year!**


	21. Chapter 21

"What the hell are we gonna do?" I buckle my belt. "There's too many of them."

Negan peeks out the curtains he drew. "Shit," He curses, "There's gotta be at least fifty of 'em out there."

I bite the inside of my cheek, swaying in agitation on my feet. "Twenty-five each."

"What?"

"We each have to take out twenty-five. Give or take."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Negan scoffs. "It's dark as fuck and they're surrounding the cabin."

"You've got a bat, I've got a hatchet and my pistol," I shrug, "We can clear 'em out and go back to Halcyon."

"Or we can be overpowered and eaten like a Thanksgiving buffet," Negan come away from the curtains, "It's better if we just wait it out."

The growling surrounds the outside.

"What if they knock the door down?" I suggest. "It's an old door."

"Then we won't have a choice, but to fight 'em off," Negan sits down on the bed, "The plank should hold the door. They'll wander off in a little while."

"And if they don't?"

"Don't you have a radio with you?" He looks over at me.

"Oh...yeah." I look around the room for it. I check my jacket hanging off the back of chair set at a dining table. I fish it out of my pocket.

"Call your people to come get us."

I stare down at it, feeling the on switch between my thumb and forefinger.

"What the fuck you waiting for?"

I look over at him. "If I do, then they'll know we were here."

"Yeah, that's the point."

"They'll know I'm sleeping with you."

Negan looks me over, perplexed. "You think they don't already know that?"

"No," I look at the radio again, "You've been staying in my house because our kids are there. That's it."

Negan huffs and says something under his breath. "Is that what helps you sleep at night?"

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Pippa," He says, "Your people know you're getting a little hanky panky whenever I come. Unless they're as dumb as those ugly fucks out there."

"Maybe so, but if they come to rescue us, then it's all out there in the open," I argue, "I could deny it before. I won't be able to deny it afterwards."

"For the hundredth fucking time, what is so fucking terrible about people knowing that you care about me?"

"And I've told you a hundred times you've asked me that; it makes me look compromised. Clouded. Same reason you won't leave your wives, so you say."

"I told you I would."

"Someday." I say wryly.

"So, we're gonna sit here and hope they clear themselves out, because you don't want your people to see that Mommy's got a new boyfriend?"

"Just for an hour," I lightly plead, looking over at him, "If they don't let up, then we'll call for help." I stroll over to him, touching the side of his face. "Maybe we can pass the time to make it go by faster."

"That's what got them here in the first place."

"We'll be quiet." I stick my knee between his legs.

He pushes my leg away. "Why don't we sit here and be as quiet as fucking humanly possible?"

I sigh, plopping down beside him.

"What about the kids, Pip?" He asks me, looking over. "What if Abel wakes up and wants you?"

I lay my head against his shoulder. "Jolyon will take care of him until we get back."

Negan chuckles a little. "Listen to you trying not sound worried as all hell."

"Shut up."

He puts his arm around me and kisses me on the head. "Don't suppose there's any food in this joint?"

"Maybe some of the frequent users stored some snacks somewhere," I shrug my shoulder, "If rats didn't get to it. I don't know, I don't come here."

"You don't?"

"I told you that before," I lay my arm across his middle, "You know, jealousy is such an unattractive quality."

"You remember that."

I frown a little, rethinking the marks on his back. "That's not funny."

"Sure it is," He snickers, "You're so easy to get a rise out of."

"I could say the same about you."

"Sure could."

We're quiet for a moment. The dead still wait for us outside. The plank that lays across the door is sturdy, but the dead working as one persistent mass might be able to break through if they keep at it.

But we might be okay if we wait it out. The intensity of the sound of their wretched hands pawing at the door has somewhat lightened. Like maybe the sound of the bed hitting up against the cabin wall attracted them, but now that we've gone quiet, they're sort of just looming outside too stupid to know what else to do.

"Question."

"Shh," Negan puts his finger to his lips, "You talk too loud, they'll start up again and break the door down."

I roll my eyes.

"What were you gonna ask?" He whispers.

"Nothing," I quietly sigh, "Just a hypothetical. For shits and giggles."

"I like shits and giggles."

I peer up at him. "Alright; let's say I did have a man when we met up again. What would you have done?"

Negan looks me over and then smirks faintly. "I would've insisted on you paying me back for the men you killed the old- fashioned way."

I scowl. "Again, that's not funny."

"Oh, calm your tits," He rubs my arm, rattling me a little, "I'm only pulling your leg."

Sad thing, I'm not sure I believe him.

"What's with the look on your face?"

"What face?"

"That pouty face you just had on."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say in a hushed voice, "Aren't we supposed to be quiet?"

"Whatever," Negan exhales, "The truth?"

My eyes moves towards his voice, curious.

"I'd probably be mad as hell," Negan says, "Shit, I'd be fuckin' pissed. But I wouldn't kill the guy...or Lourdes."

I roll my eyes again. "In your perverse dreams."

He chuckles under his breath. "Like you never thought about it."

"Shut up."

"Anyway," He breathes in a good mood, "I wouldn't do anything."

"You wouldn't?"

"Nah, why would I? You weren't really ever mine."

I furrow my brows.

"It's not like I have any right to you," Negan adds, matter of fact, "No fuckin' stakes in."

"You make it sound like I'm a patch of land," I huff below my breath, "Territory."

"Well, sorry I'm not the fuckin' romantic poet you used to know."

I smile a little in humor. "I think you could make a decent claim on my heart."

"You think?"

"Well, impregnating me with our love child gives you one leg up on most men."

"Why does something that sounds so fucking cringey make me want you for saying it?"

I chuckle quietly. "And you helped me get sober...and move on from the past…" I smile to myself, "And you were good to my son."

"Yeah, and I also made him cry and hate me."

"He never hated you."

"Yeah, he did, he told me."

I lift my head off his shoulder. "When did he do that?"

"When they came to stay with me," Negan meets my eyes. "After we had a blast shooting bottles on the roof."

"Oh, that reminds me," I arch my brow, "You let them gamble?"

"Is it really gambling if the only thing you're risking to lose is cashews and M&Ms?"

"Don't get cute with me," I scold, "Abel told me everything."

"Yeah?"

"He told me you let him piss off the roof."

Negan has to restrain himself from laughing too loud.

I elbow him, which only makes him laugh more. "It's not funny!"

"Shit, what a little tattletale." He chuckles.

"If you're gonna turn my kids into little street urchins, then I'm not gonna let you have 'em anymore."

"Oh, come on, Pippa." He starts.

"I'm getting sick of hearing that phrase."

"That's the kind of shit dad's do with their sons."

"How would you know?" I scoff. "This is your first kid and you told me your dad was an asshole."

"Yeah, but the very, extremely rare fond memories I had were of him and I going camping and he'd let me piss out the campfire."

I raise my brow. "And look how you turned out."

He cackles. "What's there to disapprove of?"

"I'd need something to write with if we're gonna go through it all."

Negan grins, stealing a kiss from my lips. "I love you."

"Hm," I look up from his lips to his eyes, "I'm still mad that you let my kids behave like hooligans."

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't let him do it when anyone was down below."

"That actually surprises me that you didn't," I retort, "But no, I would recommend you don't do it again."

Negan smiles. "Maybe you should have gone over what is and what fuckin' isn't mom-approved activites before you let me take 'em."

"You know, maybe you would have something to worry about if I had other suitors."

We both laugh softly. Negan sighs. "Fuck, I am famished."

"You had dinner."

"That was hours ago," He argues, "And I worked up a hell of an appetite fucking your brains out."

"Settle down, champ, I only came one and a half times."

"Half?" He knit his brows.

"Yeah, I was getting started on my second one when you pulled out to complete your weird fantasy."

"Huh," He nods, before grinning, "You gotta admit it was pretty hot."

I roll my eyes.

"I'll take that as a fucking yes." His stomach growls.

"There might be something in the cupboards."

"Might be," Negan contemplates going to look, "If we make it out of here alive, I'm gonna eat you out of house and home once we get back."

I feel myself start to smile.

"What?"

I snicker to myself. "Nothing."

"No, what?" Negan starts to chuckle at the sight of me being tickled. "I'm all ears."

I smile at him. "I just thought of one more thing that could put you back in the lead."

"Oh, really? And what would that be?"

My smile grows wider and, for some reason, shier.

Negan cocks his brow.

"Think about what you just said."

He looks to the side, thinking about it. Really?

"What were you gonna do again when you got back to my house?"

Negan looks at me. His eyes scan mine and soon enough he smiles again. "Oh, you mean-"

"I knew you'd get it, if I gave you enough time."

"You dirty girl."

"Hey, I'm just giving you some credit," I chuckle, "You are very good at what seldom men actually know how to do."

"May I remind you that it's very crucial to our survival that we don't make a lot of noise?" He moves close enough to kiss me. "So, quit turning up the heat."

I kiss him. "It's not my fault you're a dog who knows how to bury a bone."

He leans towards me, which makes me recline on the bed. His knees rests between my legs. He looks down at me in that way of his that feels so tender and exclusive only to me.

"Do you love me?"

"Do you really have to fuckin' ask me that?" Negan replies, "I tell you everytime I see you. Hell, I told you just a few minutes ago."

I smile up at him. "I love you, too."

Negan smiles, moving down to kiss me. "You want to?" He whispers.

I move my eyes across his face, thinking about it. "We'd have to be really quiet."

"Yeah."

I smile, scrunching my nose. "I'm actually kind of tired."

"Yeah," Negan moves to the other side of the bed, "Me, too."

I comb my fingers through his hair. "You think we should sleep with them out there?"

"Who said anything about sleeping?" He folds his arms under his head. "We're just laying here talking."

I turn my body his way. "Yeah."

"Don't go to sleep."

"I'm not, I'm just keeping warm."

"Warmth makes you sleepy." He shrugs the shoulder my head's on.

"Cut it out," I gripe, "I'm not falling asleep."

"Better fucking not, because if they bust down that door, I am not fucking waking you up."

"Ditto."

He moves arm and holds me.

"You see?" I sigh, peacefully. "This isn't so bad?"

"We're surrounded by rotting corpes that want to eat us."

"I mean, past all that," I bring some of the blanket up, "Isn't it nice to be on our own?"

"Kind of easy to picture since no one knows where we are."

I exhale through my nose. "Stop being an asshole."

"Don't be so uptight," He squeezes my arm, "I guess it's kind of nice."

"Mhm," I close my eyes, "All we're missing is the kids."

"And a way out of here."

"Nevermind."

"You really think we could've been happy on our own?" He asks me. "Out in the middle of nowhere with no other people in sight?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's not practical that's why not," He says, "There's value and survival in numbers."

"Oh, don't get your dick in a knot," I breathe, "It's just a thought I had a long time ago."

"It's a cute thought."

"Don't patronize me."

"No, it's growing on me," Negan's thumb caresses my arm, "I could see us living a quiet life away from all this shit."

I lay my arm on his chest.

"God knows it'd be way fuckin' less complicated than what we got going on now."

"Yeah, I'd probably be less mad at you all the time."

"Doubt it."

I smile against his chuckle.

"I wouldn't mind living somewhere on the fringe raising a couple of kids with you."

I open my eyes. "A couple of kids?"

"Mhm."

I lift my head to find his eyes closed. "By a couple, do you mean the two we have, or…?"

Negan opens his eyes.

"More than two?"

He shrugs. "If shit wasn't as complicated as it is now, wouldn't you think about having more?"

"I...I don't know," I stare at him, considering this being a joke, "I guess, if the circumstances were different then maybe, but I never thought about it before."

"Ah, well, it's just a fantasy."

"Yeah…" I lay my head back down.

He yawns under me.

"Don't go to sleep."

"I'm not."

I let my eyes fall. "I might."

"Go ahead," Negan says softly, "I'll stay up."

"You won't fall asleep?"

"No, I won't."

"Promise?" I barely murmur, slipping into a light slumber.

"Yeah, I promise."

…

 _I smell of green onions fills the air under my nose as I chop three of them on the cutting board. I like the chopping sound. It's contentful. The creak of the door behind me, followed by the creaking footsteps is also a nice sound to hear when I'm in a good mood._

" _What's cooking?"_

" _Nothing yet," I reply, paying close attention to my work, "I'm getting ready to make eggs."_

 _His arms touch the back of mine, traveling down to my elbow and resting under my forearm. All while he inhales just behind my ear._

" _You smell like sweat."_

" _It was hot last night."_

 _He chuckles huskily. "It sure fuckin' was."_

" _Lower your voice."_

" _Don't you mean 'watch your mouth?'"_

" _If you're used to the command, why don't you obey?"_

" _It's a new trick and I'm an old dog," He snickers, "I'm still learning."_

" _Well, if you don't learn soon, we'll have to muzzle you."_

 _He breathes in humor, wrapping his arms around my belly. "Have I ever mentioned how much I love you?"_

" _You've made it abundantly clear."_

" _Well, I do," He kisses my shoulder, "Heart and soul." His hand snakes down the side of my thigh. "And-"_

" _Abundantly clear."_

 _I can sense his smile. "You're beautiful."_

" _You're gonna give me a big head with all this praise."_

" _Yeah, well, I figured maybe I oughta, since you give me plenty of head."_

 _I turn around with the knife in my hand. "I swear to God, if you don't-"_

 _He laughs, taking the knife from my hand. "Quit being so feisty."_

" _I thought you liked my feist."_

" _Not when it's got a knife in its hand," He sets the knife on the counter behind me and puts his hand on the small of my back, "You are so wound, sister."_

" _I wonder why."_

 _He smirks. "Oh, come on, baby, you mean to tell me that you got a needle in your ass over little ol' me?"_

" _I think that sometimes you get bored, so you say shit to wind me up, just so you can laugh as I go off."_

" _I'm never bored with you."_

" _You're a sadist."_

 _He chuckles, going into kiss me and missing when I turn my head. "What? You're really mad?"_

 _I shrug my shoulder. "I was having a nice time cooking breakfast until you came in."_

" _Oh, so I should vacate?"_

" _Well, now, hold on," I look up at him, arching my brow, "You think I don't know what you're doing?"_

" _What am I doing?"_

 _I scoff, smiling at him. "You think that if you came in here and pissed me off, you wouldn't have to help."_

" _Fuck, you caught me," He plays along, "I knew you were gonna put me on potato duty and I'd rather you cut both my fucking hands off then have to sit and peel fuckin' potatoes."_

" _Well, that's too fuckin' bad," I lightly poke, "And watch your mouth."_

" _I will, if you will."_

" _Go fuck yourself." I mouth._

" _And you blame me for when the kids slip up."_

" _Slip up?" I raise my brows. "What do you mean slip up?"_

" _You know, when they say a bad word by accident."_

" _How do you slip up and say a bad word, unless you say bad words regularly and only have to not slip up around the wrong people?"_

" _What?"_

" _Do you let the boys say bad words when I'm not around?"_

" _Psh, no." Negan denies badly._

" _Oh my god, you undermine me?"_

" _I wouldn't say that."_

" _Well, what would you say then?"_

" _I would say...sometimes the kids just say a bad word and then realize what they said and I just sort of roll it off."_

" _Roll it off?"_

" _Yeah, like the other day-"_

" _The other day?"_

" _Would you can it? I'm trying to explain."_

" _Oh, you better explain."_

 _He smiles, touches my arms. "The other day, when I had the boys help me mend the chicken coop, Jol pricked his finger on part of the wire and, in the spur of the moment, said 'shit'."_

" _Shit?"_

" _Yeah, like when you prick your finger," He says, "Well, he realized what he said and looked over at me like he was gonna get in trouble, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. He said it and I just chose to let it slide. He knows he's not supposed to say bad words. I mean, if there's such thing as a bad word."_

" _Negan."_

" _But there is, so he knows not to say 'em."_

" _I'm still trying to figure how he could have slipped up unless it was already in his vocabulary."_

" _Jesus, what are you a detective?" He chuckles. "Quit putting the screws to me."_

" _I might have to put the screws to the little one," I turn back around, "God knows he can't keep a secret."_

 _Negan chuckles, knowing what I'm referring to. "Oh, come on, he was excited."_

" _It was supposed to be your Christmas present."_

" _Well, Christmas came early."_

" _I don't wanna hear about coming early."_

 _Negan laughs. "I wasn't early, you just weren't up to speed."_

" _Whose fault was that?"_

" _I walked right into that one."_

 _I can't help but chuckle. "Yeah, you really did."_

 _He laughs with me, until another door opens up. "Mornin'."_

" _Morning." Jolyon yawns._

" _Is your brother up?"_

" _No."_

" _Could you tell him it's time to get up?"_

 _Jolyon nods, still waking up himself, and pads back into the bedroom._

 _Negan takes the opportunity to traipse his hand down my back._

 _I move. "I don't know how you could even think to do such a thing."_

" _Easy to do when you have such a smokin' hot wife."_

" _I don't see a ring on my finger."_

" _Well, baby, you don't get a ring when you agree to be the wife of a poor man in a fucked up world."_

" _Did I agree?"_

" _Yes, you did." He kisses the back of my neck._

" _I mean, how could you think of defiling me," I shift to face him, putting a hand on my round belly, "When I'm carrying another one of your brats?"_

" _I never said I was a gentlemen," He lays a kiss on my lips, touching his hand to my baby bump, "And how can I resist? You're so fucking ravishing with that baby glow."_

" _You're lucky I need you around to help take care of our brood."_

" _Oh, it's not just for the childcare," He pecks my lips again, "You keep me around because I give good-"_

" _Morning!"_

 _I push Negan away. "Good morning."_

" _Are we having eggs and hashbrowns again?" Abel rubs the sleepiness out of his eyes._

" _Sure are."_

" _But we had that yesterday for breakfast," He mildly complains, "And the day before that."_

" _Hey, who do I look like? Martha Stewart?"_

" _Who's that?"_

" _Nevermind," I roll my eyes, "We'll have pancakes tomorrow."_

" _Why can't we have them today?"_

" _Because your mom gets sick whenever she smells pancakes." Negan tells him._

" _Pancakes smell good though."_

" _Well, the baby doesn't think so."_

 _Negan smiles with love in his eyes, before turning. "Alright, go wash up before breakfast is ready."_

 _The boys move._

" _And I'm gonna check to see if you made your beds," He calls, "Abel."_

" _Okay, okay."_

 _I smile and he looks at me. "Aroused?"_

" _Swooning." I gush with an eye roll. I walk over to him, draping my arms around his neck. "You know, I think I could keep you." I stroke the back of his head. "You're an asshole, but you're a good father."_

" _Just a good father?" He holds me tenderly. "Am I a lousy husband?"_

" _Well, you don't listen to me."_

" _I'm not one of your fuckin' kids."_

" _Hey, stop with the swearing!" I cover his mouth. "It's bad enough you just let it slide with Jolyon and Abel, I don't want this one picking it up in the womb."_

 _I move my hand away and find a smile behind it. "You know, you sure bitch a lot about my foul mouth, but need I remind you that you fucking swear just as much as I do."_

" _I mean it," I warn with a finger, "And I lower my voice when I do, so…"_

" _You...fucking," He mouthes the word, "Liar. You talk just as loudly as I do."_

" _I'm afraid you've got no match in being a loud mouth, dear," I peck his lips, "Can't you at least tell me you'll watch your mouth? Even if it's a lie?"_

" _I never lie."_

" _You just did."_

 _Negan chuckles. "Oh, alright, I'll try. Happy wife, happy life."_

" _Atta boy."_

 _He smiles at me._

 _I kiss him once more and go back to cooking breakfast. "Do you ever wonder what would happen if I hadn't waited?"_

" _Not really, no. Do you?"_

" _Sometimes," I begin chopping the onions again, "It's funny, I actually had a dream about it." I chuckle a little. "I dreamt we were separated for a long time and then we found each other. Well, I found you." I furrow my brows. "It was awful."_

" _That right?"_

" _It was. We were enemies," I look down at the onions, "And you were so brutal to me. You hurt me, because you knew how to."_

" _Did you hurt me back?" He muses._

" _I tried, but you were willing to go to greater lengths," I pause, "You liked being cruel."_

" _Doesn't sound like me."_

" _You were," I tell him, "You were cruel because you could be and I couldn't do anything to stop you."_

" _Pippa."_

" _I know, know," I make myself chuckle, "I'm getting all gloomy over a stupid dream, but it felt real before I woke up."_

" _Pippa."_

" _Oh, settle down, I'm not gonna hold it against you."_

" _Pippa."_

" _I know, you'd never really do anything to hurt me."_

" _Pippa."_

 _I spin around. "What, Negan, what?"_

 _He's gone._

 _I look around the small house. "Negan?"_

" _Pippa!"_

 _A sudden feeling of anxiety washes over me._

" _Pippa!"_

…

"Pippa!"

I start from my sleep. "What?"

Negan gives my arm a soft shake. "Time to wake up."

I look up at him and then lift my head off the bed. "Is it morning?"

"Yeah, sorry, I fell asleep, too."

"What?"

"Hey, it was fucking midnight, cut me some slack."

"What about the dead?"

"Most of them had wandered off. Probably spotted a deer or something and followed it. I took care of the rest."

"By yourself?"

"Yes, by myself," He chuckles, offering me a hand, "There was only like six stragglers lagging behind."

I take his hand and he helps me up. "We've been here all night?"

"Yep."

"Great."

"It was nice," He says, "You produce a lot of body heat, so I was nice and toasty."

"No, I mean, we have to go back."

"Yeah, and?"

I look up at him. "Everyone will know."

Negan's content expression diminishes a little. He looks down. "Oh."

The two of us leave the cabin and walk back to Halcyon with the morning sun exposing us.

"You sleep good?" Negan asks, breaking the silence.

"Yeah…" I trudge through the mud. "I had a weird dream though."

"Yeah? What about?"

I think about what I remember. "You, me, and the kids were gonna have breakfast."

"What's so weird about that?"

I shrug, even though I know why. "I guess it wasn't weird."

We come up to the back of Halcyon's walls. I stare up. If I was a coward, or maybe smart, I would turn and run off instead of climbing the wall. But I'm not a coward and I made a stupid fucking choice and now I have to reap the consequences.

"Ladies first."

"Thanks." I start to climb.

Halcyon's walls aren't easy walls to climb. They're original fort wall withheld time impressively and the inside of the wall is way easier to get over because of the reinforcement, but it's damn near impossible to climb over from the outside. Which is why we're scaling a tree close enough to the wall that we can then grab onto the watch station and carefully get over. There should be someone here to make sure we, or rather strangers, don't do the same thing.

"Careful!"

"I know how to climb my own fucking wall."  
"Well, you almost fucking slipped and fell thirty feet."

"The walls aren't that tall," I step on the watchmen's post, scanning out to see the buildings and signs of people, "It's about twenty-five feet."

"Oh, excuse the fuck out of me," Negan scoffs behind me, "Give me a hand."

I stare out. I see people, but some distance away towards the front, who are paying me no mind.

"Pip."

I turn. I roll my eyes as I take his bat, so he can climb over.

"Thanks, baby."

"Yeah, no problem."

"Pippa?"

My blood never sank so fast. I look at Negan with what I can feel is something terrible because of the way he looks back at me. I glance out at the guards who are coming in late to their shift.

"Hey, Pip," Quinn waves, "Whatcha doin' up there?"

"Why weren't you here?" I nearly snap. "You were supposed to be at your posts before sunrise."

Quinn and the other guard, Liam both look a little astonished.

I'd feel sorry for meeting their friendly good mornings with a sharp inquiry, if I wasn't their leader and they hadn't been late for their posts. Truth be told, if Negan and I could've gotten over without being seen, I wouldn't have said anything.

I down the steps and hear Negan follow behind me, which gets their attention. Both of them look at him as we come down and then at me.

"Get to your post," I tell them, "If you're late again, you can take graveyard shift."

"Yes, ma'am." They say in unison."Sorry, Pippa." Quinn says.

I nod, lenient. "Just get to your post."

Negan and I walk away towards the buildings. They know. Why on earth would the two of us be climbing over at this hour? I would have offered an explanation if we had been somewhere other than the cabin. I saw it in their eyes when they looked back to me.

Negan's quiet, but I know he's got to be grinning ear to ear.

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing," Negan replies under his breath, "I think it's hot when you show 'em who's boss."

I feel along the inside of my lip. "Let's just get home."

"Aye, aye, captain."

We pass the small camp the Saviors made before I came home last night. We also pass some of my people getting up, or are up, to start their days. I avoid eye contact, keeping my eyes forward and my chin up. Like I'm not ashamed of myself right now.

I walk into my house never more glad to be home. "God, that was-"

"Where the hell have you been?"

I look up and see Lourdes sitting in the arm chair with a sleeping Abel curled in her lap. Cleo, who's laying beside the chair, lifts her head up.

"Lourdes...I-"

" _Where_ have you been?" She demands to know.

"I…"

Negan puts his arm around me. "Pip took me on a field trip to the town's hotspot. We attracted some rotters and waited for them to pass."

Lourdes moves her eyes back to me. "You went to the cabin?"

I lick my lips, nodding my head. I feel like a teenager in front of my mom.

"Abel woke up around one in the morning to go to the bathroom," She tells me, "You and Negan weren't there, so he got scared and woke up Jolyon."

I look over at Jolyon, who's also asleep on his bed.

"Jolyon came and got me around three this morning when you hadn't come back yet," She goes on chewing us out, "I was about to tell Connor to go look for you."

"I...I'm sorry, Lourdes," I sigh, shameful, "I thought we'd be back in an hour."

"You're kids were worried about you," She says, "I was worried."

"Jesus, would you spare me the arm burn, Lour?" Negan scoffs. "We were keeping Jol up with our sweet nothings, so we took off for a bit to have some alone time."

"It's seven in the morning." Lourdes' blood is starting to boil. "You've been gone all night."

"I'm starting to remember why I broke it off with you."

"You didn't, I broke it off with you."

"Well, it was a good clean break for the both of us, I'm sure."

"You'd still take it, if I offered." She huffs at him.

"I'm gonna go tell my men we're gonna head out after breakfast," Negan tells me, "Hopefully, she'll have mauled you and tired herself out before I get back.

I shoot him a 'fuck you' look as he leaves through the open door. I shut it.

"I see you have your radio," Lourdes says, "Why didn't you call?"

"Negan said they'd go away after a while."

"And if they didn't?"

I turn around. "Then I would have radioed someone."

She looks at me.

"I...I didn't want people to know."

"So, you were gonna die rather than call for help because you're afraid people were gonna know you two are fucking?"

Yes. "No," I scoff, "I was going to call if they hadn't cleared out."

She shakes her head, looking off without a word.

Jolyon starts to stir, probably from all the heated words. He sits up, yawning. "Mom?"

"Hey, punk."

"Where did you go?" He asks. "You and Negan left last night but you didn't come back."

I smile. "I'm sorry, we got stuck."

"Got stuck where?"

I briefly look at Lourdes. "Um, we took a walk and a small herd came out of nowhere. We had to run to the Puritan's cabin and wait it out."

"Oh, okay."

And just like that, Abel begins to wake up in Lourdes' arms. "Hey, baby."

Abel looks over, rubbing his eye. "Mommy?"

"Yeah, I'm home." I walk over to the chair. He reaches for me and I take him, sitting on the couch. "It's okay, baby."

"I woke up and you weren't there."

"I know, I'm sorry," I rock him gently, "I won't let it happen again. I promise."

"Where's Dad?" He asks me.

"He's-"

The door behind me opens abruptly.

"Right here."

"Jesus, I could freeze my nuts off out there," Negan gripes, "I don't know how my men didn't catch hypothermia sleeping outside."

I breathe through my nose, stifling an eye roll.

"Oh, you're both up."

"Yes, and Abel was very upset that we weren't here last night."

"Well, we're here now," Negan says, walking over, "And still alive."

"Negan."

"What?" He sits beside Abel and I.

"Where were you?" Abel asks Negan, less teary-eyed.

"Uh, your mom and I-"

"Took a walk and got trapped in the cabin down the road by some drifters." I meet eyes with Negan, who nods.

"Yep."

"Were you scared?"

"Hell no," Negan replies with a confident smile, "Your old man's not afraid of anything."

Abel smiles, stilling laying against me.

Negan's stomach growls. "Alright, who's gonna whip some breakfast? I'm fucking starving."

"Go right ahead."

"I just killed a bunch of rotters."

"You killed six."

"Yeah, well, it really works up an appetite," Negan chuckles, glancing over at Lourdes, "Lour?"

She scoffs like a viper. "I'm," She stands up, "Going home and going to sleep."

"Oh, really?" Negan complains sarcastically. "You used to make bitchin' chorizo and eggs."

She makes a face of annoyance and heads for the door.

"Bye, Lourdes."

She smiles softly. "Bye, bebé. You wanna walk Cleo later for me, Jol?"

"Sure."

"Alright." She whistles and the dog is up and at the door before she is. She leaves without looking at me or saying bye.

I sit on the sofa, mad at myself.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

I look at Abel and smile "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I could eat a horse."

Negan and I both laugh. "Maybe one of those mini ponies."

…

We have biscuits and gravy with hashbrowns for breakfast, since that's what the boys wanted and I'm never gonna turn that down. Negan helped make the biscuits which like any man made him feel like he's the backbone of this family for doing anything helpful. We ate and laughed at the table. It was nice.

"Do you have to go right now?"

"Afraid so."

"Aw!"

"I'll be back in a few weeks."

"That's so long."

Negan smiles, mussing Abel's hair. "I know, I don't like it either, but it'll go by fast."

"Bye, Dad."

"Bye, son." Negan kneels down to hug him. He stands and takes the bat in his hand.

"Wait for Jolyon to get back." I say.

"I'll see him as I head out," Negan comes over to me, "I'll say adios."

I smile into the kiss. "It's been fun."

"Yeah, a real blast," He kisses me again, "I'll see ya later."

"Safe travels."

Negan looks me over, kissing me a third time. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

He smiles. "Alright." He goes for the door.

I take Abel's hand and we walk out with him as he heads to the trucks up front. People pause as they see him strolling down the road. That, or they see me and stop to look.

Looking around, I start to feel that buzz of happiness leftover from breakfast start to fade. People stare like they know where I was last night and with who, but I can't be certain that they do. I spot Jolyon sitting on one of the boardwalks with Cleo laying next to him. He's talking to Martin, who appears to be wrapping gauze around his hand.

"Hey."

They look up. Martin goes back to wrapping his hand. "Hey."

"What happened to your hand?"

"Cut it climbing their power lines."

I nod. "Does it hurt?"

"Nah."

I bite my lip. "Thank you for going."

"Sure."

"Jol!" Negan waves him over.

Jolyon gets up and walks over with Cleo at his heels.

I sigh through my nose as Abel lets go of my hand and tags along. I look back at Martin as he scoffs, likely at Negan's not so subtle jealousy of seeing Jolyon with Martin. "Where are you going?"

"How do you know I'm going anywhere?"

"You got your canteen," I point to it beside him, "You only lug that thing around when you're going somewhere."

He looks at the canteen. "There's a herd north from Halcyon. I got 'em to move, but some of the team and I are gonna drive 'em up further north."

I stare. "How'd you know there was herd?"

"I was gonna head out early before sunrise and see if I could get a few ducks by that pond."

I grow anxious. "Lucky thing. They could have been at our walls by now."

"Yeah," Martin stands, "See ya later."

I watch him head across the street. Does he know? My eyes fan out, meeting eyes with everyone I see before me. They know. They all know.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I was gonna respond to some comments on the previous chapter but I'm a little tipsy rewatching the Hannibal series lol. My apologies :)**


	22. Chapter 22

The sky is blue, and bright, and a little deceiving. It looked like it was gonna be a warmer day, but it's just as freezing cold as any other we've had. We keep the heat on medium, so we don't over heat bundled up like we are, but I can still feel the frost nipping at my nose. At least the drive is pretty.

"I miss donuts."

"What?"

"Donuts," Nanda says in the back of the truck, "I miss not having donuts."

"Jessie makes donuts."

"Yeah, but they're just the ones rolled in cinnamon sugar."

"And?" Lourdes questions.

"I liked the maple bars."

"Those were trash."

"Oh, like you didn't eat them?"

"No, disgusting."

I look over at Lourdes with an arched brow. "I saw you eat a donut with maple and bacon on it in the break room once."

"That was when I was going through shit with Simon," She defends, "When I'm upset, I'll eat anything. Even gross ass maple donuts."

"I can't believe that guy at The Sanctuary used to be your dude," Nanda says, "I mean, he's not not attractive, but I don't see the appeal."

"He's got a big dick and he knows how to use it."

"Lourdes!"

"What? She's twenty-two."

I give her a look. I'm sort of protective over Nanda and her sister, I won't lie and say I'm not. I had to look after them when the world changed and they were parentless. It doesn't matter that they're both technically adults now; I still look after them.

"...How big?" Nanda asks.

"Don't answer that."

Lourdes rolls her eyes, before looking at Nanda and suggesting how big without words.

"...Hey, Pip, how big is Coach Negan?"

I nearly hit the breaks. "What?"

"While we're on the subject."

"We're not on the subject," I make clear through the rearview mirror, "And stop calling him 'Coach.' He's not your gym coach anymore."

"Sorry, it's all I ever called him until now."

"Well, knock it off."

"Fine, jeez."

Lourdes twirls a strand of her hair. "Bigger than Simon."

I step on the break a little on purpose.

Lourdes jerks forward a little, putting out her hand. "Jesus, Pippa! What the fuck are you doing?"

"I told you to stop."

"No, you shot me a look," She fires back, "That's not saying shit."

"Well, I'm fucking saying it now."

"Whatever." She grumbles. "Just fucking go, so we can fucking get home." She calls me a whore in Spanish, which she knows I understand, and mumbles a few other rude words about me and Negan.

Nanda goes quiet in the back for a few minutes. "Sorry."

"It's fine." I curtly reply.

We had gone to a town where a veterinary clinic was marked on the map. We need to keep our private supply of meds stocked up, so we've been searching anywhere on the downlow. Negan can't expect us not to hold out on him there and if so, fuck him. Medicine is crucial and can't be spared willy-nilly like our food can. Unfortunately we didn't find anything today.

When we finally get back to Halcyon, you could cut the tension with a knife. I let Nanda out of the truck before I drive it around to park it. Lourdes gets out and slams the door, trudging off to go home.

"She's got a quarter left in the tank."

"Alright, we'll fill her up."

"Thanks."

"I think Mer wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah, probably to ask about meds." I exhale, watching Lourdes walk off towards her house.

I head in the same direction after her. She hasn't been alright with me since Negan and I came home after being gone all night. I can't say I blame her, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let her get away shit.

"Hey!"

"What?" She says, not stopping.

"Don't talk like that around the Patels."

She scoffs. "They're not babies."

"I don't care, I said don't talk about it in front of them," I retort, "Especially anything to do with Negan."

"Oh, why?" She turns around. "They already know about you and him."

"Because I said so."

"I'm not one of your kids, so you're gonna have to give a better explanation than that."

I stare at her, growing more and more infuriated.

"Oh, because you still wanna bury your head in the ground and pretend people around here don't know?" She huffs with an incredulous chuckle. "I think you blew the lid off that one when you got caught climbing over the back wall."

I glide my tongue along my teeth. I think I could hit her.

She stares back at me with defiance. "People knew why you made a deal with him the moment you brought him here."

The door to my house opens up. "Hi, Mom!"

I break my hard gaze from Lourdes'. "Hi, Abel."

"Hi, Lourdes!"

Lourdes turns around. "Hi, bebé."

"We walked Cleo for you."

"Oh, thank you," She smiles at him, "I appreciate that."

"Martin said she needed a bath, so we gave her one, too."

"Martin?" I furrow my brows. "Where's Lydia?"

"Her stomach hurt, so Martin told her to go home."

I sigh. "Okay," I look back to Lourdes, "We'll continue this later."

"Yeah, we'll see." She scoffs as she walks to her house. She whistles and Cleo comes barreling out of my house and towards hers.

"Come in, Mom."

"In a little bit, baby." I smile at him, trying to ignore the people who just saw that little spat, "I've gotta go talk to Meredith."

"I wanna come!"

"Alright, come on." I take his hand.

Together, we walk to the hospital. Abel talks and I listen to him explain how to properly hold a compass to get the best read, according to Martin. Martin also told them how to read a compass, but he doesn't explain that because I'm sure he didn't quite get it.

"Did you know north is up?" He points up, indicating north's place on a compass.

"What?" I sound astonished. "I thought south was on top."

"Nope, Martin said it's north."

"Well, I'll be darned," I open the door to the hospital, "You learn something new everyday."

"Yep."

Meredith and Ravinder are in the front room, which is just off from the exam and recovery rooms. Meredith is working at her desk, while Rav's over by the window with her plants and notebook.

"Hey."

They both look over. "Hello."

"Hi." Abel waves at the doctor as he passes her to go to Ravinder.

She smiles at him before looking at me."How's the cold?"

"Much better now that he's taking his medicine." I raise my brow at Abel.

"I take it you didn't find anything."

"What gave that away?"

"You're empty handed."

I give an apologetic face. "No luck. Sorry."

Meredith sighs through her nose. "Well, we're okay for now, but-"

"We need to be better than 'for now'," I finish her sentence, "I know and we'll find more."

"I know, I'm just a worry wart about these things."

"Well, I'll find some," I tell her again, "And I'll...tell Negan he can't take from our medical stock when they come again."

"You think he'll listen?" She asks, curious for the answer. Everyone's so curious of that answer.

"I'll talk to him."

Meredith nods. "Okay, I'll trust your word."

"Thanks." I glance over at Ravinder and Abel.

"SKullcap has anti-inflammatory properties." She quietly tells Abel.

"It doesn't look like a skull." Abel says, peering up at the purple flowers.

"No." She chuckles under her breath. Her fingers gently scratch her other hand and arm, which are bandaged almost to the elbow.

"What happened to your arm?"

She meets my concerned eyes and touches her arm protectively. "Oh, it's nothing."

"It's a nasty burn," Meredith speaks up, "Photodermatitis. It blistered pretty severely this morning."

"What the hell happened?"

" _Heracleum mantegazzianum_ ," Ravinder winces, "Hogweed."

"Photoxic," Meredith says, "Skin becomes extremely vulnerable to sunlight after coming in contact with the plant's sap."

"I accidentally found a stalk yesterday while I was out looking for some tansy."

"Ouch."

"I managed to sketch it," She opens her book, "It looks so pretty and innocent."

I take a look at the sketch.

"But it's really dangerous," Rav continues, "It can even cause blindness, if exposed to the eyes."

I look at her in faint horror. "What like permanently?"

"Sometimes."

"Shit," I peer down at the sketch again, "Where the hell is that so we know to avoid it?"

"It's down off Earnshaw Road," She tells me, "A few miles past the cabin."

"Jesus," I curse, "Maybe we should cut it down."

"You do that, you wanna be covered head to toe." Meredith huffs.

I nod my head, looking at Ravinder's bandaged arm. Now that I'm closer, I can see some blistering on her exposed fingers.

"Mom, I'm thirsty."

"Alright, let's go home," I encourage him along, "See ya later."

"I'm hungry, too."

"Any more complaints?"

"You don't have to make dinner; Martin's making meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

"He is?"

"Yep."

"Hm." I open the door to my house, hit with the smell of herbs. My eyes find Martin in the kitchen by the stove. "Venison meatloaf?"

"Yep," Abel says, "And corn because Martin said we need a vegetable."

"I say that all the time and you complain."

"Yeah, but I like corn."

"You like green beans, too, and you still whine about eating them." I wiggle his arm. I look over at Martin's back. "Thanks for taking over for Lydia."

"Find any meds?"

"No, we didn't."

He nods without breaking focus of mashing the potatoes.

"Hey, Mom."

I turn my head. "Hey, punk. How was your day?"

"Good," He tells me, "Hey, can I go fishing with Martin tomorrow?"

"Fishing?"

"Yeah, he's gonna go fishing tomorrow and he said I could go if you said it was okay."

"Oh, um…" I glance back to Martin at the stove, "I guess it'd be okay."

"Cool, thanks, Mom."

"Sure."

"I wanna go, too."

"You're not invited." Jolyon says to his brother.

"Am, too!" Abel argues back.

"No, you're not," Jolyon retorts, "He wasn't talking to you."

"Mom!"

"Actually, I want you to stay home with me, kiddo," I pet his head, "You still sound a little congested."

"No, I'm all better." He says, wiping his leaky nose with the back of his hand.

"Ew." Jolyon makes a face at the trail of mucus.

"Go wash your hands."

"I wanna go fishing with them, too, Mom."

"Another day," I shoo him to the bathroom, "When you're not all stuffed up."

"That's not fair." He sighs.

"Well, fair isn't fair on the same day."

"I don't like it when you say that."

"No one does." I chuckle.

"Thanks." Jolyon rolls his eyes as Abel tucks into the bathroom.

I smile lightly, before being drawn back to the kitchen by the aromas. The timer by the stove tick-tick-ticks. Martin hasn't turned around once. Not even to greet me.

"Smells good."

"Uh-huh."

I bite my lip. "Can I assume you're staying for dinner?"

"Nah, I'll go," He says, "The meatloaf should be done in fifteen."

"You don't have to go," I tell him, "You cooked the meal, you might as well stay to eat it."

"I'll take some to go."

"Stay and eat."

He finally looks over at me with a raised brow. Did I sound desperate?

"You have to stay, Martin," Abel says, drying his hands on his shirt, "To make sure we like it."

Martin cracks an amused smile. "I don't need to stick around to know you'll like it."

"Yeah, you do," Abel argues, "Please?"

"Yeah, okay. I'll stay for dinner," Martin gives in, "But only if you and your brother set the table."

"Deal."

"Alright."

I smile when he looks my way, but he doesn't smile back.

…

I look at my hands which were made dry from washing the dishes after dinner. My mom always told my sister and I to keep our hands moisturised because hands can tell your age. She always told us to take care of our skin, which Audrey and I used to roll our eyes at but would then do as we were told, even years after we moved out of the house.

I miss them. I miss my father. I try not to think about them as much as possible. It doesn't do you any favors to keep looking back. Too much what ifs and guilt and regret. Like how I can't shake not waiting longer for Negan now that I know he did come to the house.

But what's worse is I chose not to look for Audrey and her family. When we headed towards Chesapeake, we could have taken a detour and gone to Richmond, but I had heard rumors about the city being completely turned over. I couldn't take a baby and a small child through a city, where the dead were bound to move in droves. I don't think my dad forgave me for that, even though he said he understood.

Martin clears his throat. "I'm gonna head home."

I look up from my hands. My eyes move across the room where one kid lays asleep on his bed, while the other is curled up on the couch. When did they fall asleep?

"See ya later."

I stand up from my chair. "I'll walk you out."

"The door's right there." He scoffs, putting on his jacket, "I can manage."

"Stop being an asshole and let me walk you out."

"Oh, I'm being an asshole?"

"Yeah," I say boldly, "You are."

"How is that?"

I twist my lips to the side. "Nevermind, just go."

"If you say so," He goes to the door, "I'll be by to get Jolyon bright and early tomorrow."

"Okay," I fold my arms, "Thanks for taking him."

"Yep."

I watch him leave."Hey."

"What?"

"I'm sorry I called you an asshole," I sigh, "I didn't mean it."

"Yeah, you did."

"Yeah…"

A smile tips in the corners of his mouth. "Take a walk with me, brat."

I look at him and I have to stifle a smile before I get my jacket. I shut the door quietly. "Where are you taking me?"

"You're walking me home."

"Because the streets are rough at night?"

"Yeah, a guy can't be too careful."

I chuckle a little. "We can't afford you getting hurt being so okayish on meds as we are."

"Just here," He says, "We've got some on hold."

"We might have to dip into the bank."

"I could go to East the day after tomorrow."

"You might have to."

"Alright."

I exhale. "The Saviors won't be here for another three weeks. That gives us time to look for more."

"Should he be taking so much?" Martin asks. "We can't provide for them if we're too sick to work or scavenge."

"I know, trust me, I have been over this with him again and again."

"Huh."

I look over at Martin. "I am trying. You know that, right?"

"I want to believe you are."

"I am."

"Okay."

I bite my tongue. "I know you saw us in the cabin."

Martin stops walking and meets my eyes.

"Or...you knew we were there."

He stares, scanning my face.

"I'm…" The words stick in my throat, "I'm sorry you had to drive off the dead for us."

"Why would you be sorry for that?" Martin huffs. "You could've died if I hadn't."

"Because...I just am."

He nods. "Well, don't be."

"I know you're pissed because of it."

He chuckles under his breath. "Why would I be pissed over that?"

"Because I took Negan to the cabin and…"

"What?"

I close my lips.

Martin looks over me over.

I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"Night, Pippa."

"Night."

He walks the rest of the way to his house without me.

…

The boardwalk along the buildings is getting old and tired of people trampling it, so a few of us have spent the day replacing as much as we can before we're all too exhausted and sore to move. I'd rather be out looking for resources, or tending to the plants and animals, but this has to be done and I've got to be part of it. Well, I don't have to be part of it; I'm choosing to. Just because I'm the leader, doesn't mean I can sit on my ass and bark orders. That shit doesn't fly with me; you gotta be down in mud with your people in order to understand them. It's a community, not a kingdom.

"Fuck!"

"You alright?"

"Yeah," Connor sucks air through his teeth, "I just got another fuckin' splinter is all."

I snicker, wiping sweat from my brow. "Give me your hand."

He offers it over as I fish out the little needle I've got in my shirt pocket. "Don't split my hand open this time."

"I didn't split your hand open the other times, you big baby." I pluck the eraser off the tip of the needle and concentrate. "Now, hold still."

"Fuck, Pip!"

"Oh, that wasn't so bad!" I hold up the needle. "I got it in one try."

"It still fucking hurt."

I laugh, capping the needle. "Wear your gloves."

"I gave 'em to Lourdes to use."

"Ah." I go back to hammering a new board in.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything," I steady a nail, "Except she's not even working on the boardwalk."

"She's helping re-fence the coops," He grumbles, "Her hands get cold and scrape against the wire."

"Huh."

"Oh, cut it out; can't a guy do something nice for a friend without there being some other reason?"

"Sure he can." I simply rely.

"Good."

"Afternoon."

"Piss off." Connor exhales under his breath as Walter strolls our way.

"Come to help?" I ask him without looking at him.

"No, I'm afraid my arthritis and carpal tunnel wouldn't let me be very useful."

"Didn't think so," I straighten up, "So, what do you want?"

"Oh, just taking a walk," Walter tells me, "Curious to see how the new boardwalk is coming."

"It's coming along," I lick my salty lips, "We treated the wood to help it last longer."

"Wonderful idea."

I raise my brow a little. "Something on your mind?"

Walter snaps back from looking all along the boardwalk. "Hm? Oh, no, no, nothing at all."

I refrain from rolling my eyes. "Spit it out, Walt. We're busy and I know you didn't pause your walk here for no reason."

He smiles with a fake pleasantness. "My, you have such frankness to you, Pippa. I shall never grow tired of it."

"Again, what do you want?"

"I thought you might like it brought to your attention that there is some disquietude here in Halcyon."

"Disquietude?"

"Speculation," Walt says, "From what I've gathered there is some concern about, well, loyalty."

"Loyalty?" I step closer to him.

"Well, perhaps I should say fidelity."

"That's a synonym for loyalty."

"Yes, but fidelity often refers to-"

"A relationship."

"Yes…"

I knit my brows. "My fidelity?"

His lack of reply confirms my question.

"And what relationship and I am being unfaithful to?"

"Well, again, from what I gather, there is question as to why we have cowed down to the Saviors when we have never cowed down before."

"Under my authority." I make clear.

Walt smiles again. "Yes, well, you can understand the confusion then."

I look off along the boardwalk at all the people at work. The sound of hammers suddenly is not as pleasing.

"I trust you're aware of the issue raised by your, uh, connection to Negan."

I peer back at him. "People think I'm...bending over for him?"

He abruptly clears his throat as if he's afraid he's pissed me off. "I don't know that I'd be so crude as to say that."

"Not enough to say it to me," I wager, "Is that the concern? Because I have a son with Negan and because I made an...out of the ordinary deal with him, I'm under his spell, or something?"

"It is quite a strange situation," He admits, "Especially given your…swift and shrewd ambition."

"Ambition?" I scoff at him.

"You've instilled a go-getter nature in our people since you took over that, well, tends to issue authority rather than obey it."

"We don't obey the Saviors."

"Well, we certainly yield more than we've grown accustomed to."

I cock my brow.

"I do wonder, Pippa, if this change in routine-"

"There is no routine," I deny, "We're not conquerors. Trade is an enterprise as well as communal stretch toward civilization. That can only be done through cooperation."

"Is that why East Valley is now a storage unit?"

My nostrils flare. "We're not cowing down to the Saviors. We're trading with them."

"What do we receive in exchange?"

"We're paying off a debt before we can move into equal trade."

"How long has Negan decided our debt will last?"

The grip I have on the hammer tightens. But it loosens quickly. "Let me worry about that, Walt, alright? I'm the leader now; I can handle these affairs."

"Oh, I'm confident in your abilities," He lies, "However, from what I-"

"Gather?" I question. "Tell me something; why is that you feel the personality to _gather_ what the current reception of my leadership is?"

Walter falters, no rhyme intended. "Uh, well, I mean I-I just overheard, or people have shared their concerns with me."

"With you?" I huff in rude disbelief. "Call me a bitch, but I'm a little skeptical there, Walt, that anyone would come to you with concern."

"Well, truth be told, I went to Lisa to see how she's been dealing and she expressed-."

"Leave Lisa and her baby alone."

"I was only being neighborly, Pippa."

I breathe calmly, but I'm fucking furious.

"I'm sorry if this is unpleasant for you to hear, I was only trying to inform you of what's being said."

I stare at him, killing my impulse to hit him. With hand or hammer.

"Jesus, fuck!" Connor hollers behind me. "Pip, I got another fucking splinter!"

I exhale through my nose. "Have a good rest of your walk, Walter."

"Good afternoon." He gives a smile and trails on.

"Pip!"

I take another look at the people I've been working side by side with all day. "Yeah, I'm coming, _darling_."

"Fuck, it's a big one."

I take out my needle. "It's not that big."

"Bigger than the rest," Connor winces looking at it, "What'd that jackass want?"

"Oh, nothing," I sigh, "Just to tell me people are questioning my fidelity to Halcyon."

"Bullshit."

"Mhm." I barely agree.

"Fuck!" He flinches his hand back.

"Sorry."

…

The sun is bright today. The winter air is nice and crisp, but warmer than usual. Perfect day to do laundry and not worry about it raining or snowing.

"It's not fair." Abel sits at the table with a pout. "Why does Jolyon get to do everything?"

"He's older and he does not get to do everything."

"Does, too," Abel sighs, "He got to go fishing and today he got to go with Martin and Connor on a trip."

"It's not a trip, baby," I tell him, "They're working."

"I wanna work, too."

"You're getting over a cough."

"Dad even lets Jolyon do cooler stuff than me."

"Well, Dad got in trouble for the cool stuff he let the two of you do."

"When's he coming back?"

"Three weeks," I turn off the stove, "That's three rows on the calendar."

"That's a long time."

"It'll go by fast," I tell him, "It always does."

"Can we stay at his house next time?"

"No," I quickly answer, "Because by then it'll be Christmas and you're staying home with me. Dad's place doesn't celebrate the holidays."

"Why not?"

"They just don't."

"Well, maybe Dad can be here with us."

"Maybe." I sit at the table. "How many pancakes?"

"Two."

I take two pancakes from the stack I made and begin cutting them in pieces.

"Hey, you didn't put butter on them."

"We're out of butter," I reply, "I'll have to get some more today."

"Is Lourdes coming?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because she doesn't want to."

"Okay…" Abel twists his mouth in thought, "Hey, Mom?"

I smile. "You and Jolyon sound so much alike sometimes. What is it?"

"How come Jolyon doesn't call Dad Dad?"

I pause cutting his pancakes to look across the table. "What?"

"He doesn't call him Dad," Abel says, "He calls him his name like you do."

"Oh…" I slide the plate to him.

"I called him Negan one time and he asked me if I was raised in a barn."

I snicker as I make my own plate.

"How come Jolyon gets to call him by his name?"

"Um, well…" I bite my lip, "That's because Jolyon has a different dad."

"He does?"

"Um, yeah," I exhale, looking over at him, "Before I met your dad, I met Jolyon's dad and we had a baby."

"Jol?"

"Yeah, Jol."

"Where's Jol's dad?"

"Um, well...he lived in Texas, which is far from here."

"Is he alive?"

I don't like to think about Eugene and how I didn't look for him either.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Was he nice like Dad?"

I scoff. "Way nicer than Dad."

"Oh," Abel pokes a square of pancake into his mouth, "Were you his wife, too?"

"No, we weren't married" I tell him. "But I'm not your dad's wife either."

"That's not what he said."

I glance up. "What?"

"Dad said you were his real wife."

"When did he say that?"

"When we stayed with him," Abel tells me, "Jolyon asked if those ladies were all really Dad's wives and Dad said yes."

I try not to look bitter as I stab my pancakes.

"But he said they weren't his real wives," He goes on, "He said Lucille was his real wife." He looks at me confused. "How can he be married to a bat?"

"He's talking about a different Lucille, honey," I clarify, "She died a long time ago."

"Oooh," He nods his head, "That makes better sense."

I smile at him. "Um, so...when did Dad say I was his real wife?"

"He said so after," Abel continues eating, "Well, he didn't say you were his wife really. He said he you were like Lucille ...Who is a lady?"

"Yeah…" I sigh through my nose.

"So...you aren't his wife?"

"No, honey, I'm not. We talked about this before, remember?"

"Oh...yeah."

"But not being married doesn't mean that your dad doesn't love me as much as...his wives, or that I don't love him as much."

"Does he love his wives?"

"That's a question you'd have to ask your father."

Abel nods his head. "You love each other?"

"Of course we do."

"Okay."

I smile a little. "You having fun?"

"Mm, no."

I chuckle. "What? I made breakfast for lunch!"

"So?" He shrugs. "We had breakfast already."

"Yeah, but we had oatmeal and toast for breakfast," I point out, "We're having pancakes for lunch."

"That doesn't make it fun."

"Gee, way to make me feel like a lame ass." I wryly mumble. "Well, what do want to do?"

"Hm…" He thinks about it. "I wanna milk a cow."

"The cows were milked this morning."

"Aw!" Abel puts his cheek in his hand. "I wanted to squeeze the utter."

"The utter?"

"Yeah, you know, the thing that sprays milk out."

"Oh, the teat."

"Yeah."

"Huh...well maybe tomorrow morning."

His brows furrow. "Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Cleo has teats," He looks over at me, "Can Lourdes milk her like a cow?"

I stare. "...No, she can't."

"Then how come she has them?"

"Because all mammals have them so if they have babies, they can make milk to feed them."

"Oh, so if Cleo has babies, she would have milk?"

"Yeah."

"...And they'd drink the milk...from her teats?"

"Would you stop saying teats?"

"Why?"

"Because it's a weird word."

"Sorry," Abel says, "But would they?"

"Yes, just like the calves do when they're born."

"No, they drink from the utter."

"Yes, but the utter has...teats which let out the milk," I set down my fork, "You know what? Let's move on."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Okay."

I sure hope this talk of teats and wanting to squeeze them is just childish curiosity and not Negan springing out of him.

"Why don't we do something fun?"

"Like what?"

"Hmm….we could stay inside and take a nice cozy nap."

"Mm, no."

"Alright, what do wanna do?"

"Pip?" There's a knock on our door.

"Hold on, baby." I get from the table, touching a hand to Abel's head as I go to answer the door. I open up to Nanda. "Hey, what's up?"

"We've got a visitor." She tips her head to the left.

"Negan?" I look in that direction, wondering why the hell he's so early.

"No, not exactly," She says, "But he's a Savior."

I grab my jacket off the coat rack. "Stay with Abel, would you?"

"Is it Dad?" Abel asks, peeking over the back of his chair.

"No," I reply, "I'll be right back, okay?"

I head towards the front of Halcyon. I don't know if I'm curious or anxious to learn why whoever's here is here. Or more importantly why Negan sent him.

A dinged up silver truck sits just past the gates it drove through. A man, who I don't think I recognize leans against it with that air of cool superiority that most Saviors adopt. He lights a cigarette with a grin on his lips and then blows the smoke in Lourdes' direction. She makes a face of disgust, before noticing me approaching.

The man causally follows her gaze, looking over at me with no sense of importance of who I am, or fear of who I am.

"Howdy." He says.

"How can I help you?" I reply curtly.

"Paula sent me," He rudely exhales a breathful of smoke towards me, "She wanted me to take a look around. Make sure y'all are behaving."

"We don't answer to Paula."

"Sure you do," He takes a drag, "She's in charge of the nearest outpost to you."

"Your outpost doesn't come to collect. Negan does."

"Paula is Negan," The man smirks, thumbing his chest, "And I'm Negan."

I stare, not amused. "Well, we're just going about our daily lives, walking the line, so you can tell her that. Sorry your trip was so short."

The man snickers under his breath. "Did Negan fail to mention how shit works to you, legs?"

I keep my gaze fixed, but my heart picks up. "No, he made things clear."

He smiles, blowing smoke. "Cool."

"Pippa." Lourdes gives me a look like she wants to know what the hell am I doing.

I look back at the man. "You want to look around?"

"Those are my orders," He takes a gander from where he's standing, "Check for oddities, or inconsistencies."

I nod my head curtly.

"But first..." His eyes look me over again, "How about a little refreshment?"

"You want something to drink?"

"If you don't mind."

I arch my brow. "Right this way."

"Pip." Lourdes calls me again.

"It's alright," I tell her, "We've got nothing to hide."

She gives me another look that he can't see.

I start to walk off and the man follows me.

"I'm Pete by the way."

"Pippa."

"I remember you," Pete says, "When you tried to break into our outpost. And you killed our men."

"Yeah, that was me."

"And Negan still kept you alive."

"He had a good reason to."

"I can see that."

I don't acknowledge his looking. I open the door to my house. Nanda and Abel look over from the table.

"Where's Dad?"

"He's back home," I reply, "This is Pete."

"What's he doing here?"

"Nanda could you take Abel for a little while?"

"Yeah." She gets up from the table.

"But we're supposed to do fun things together."

"I know, I'll make it up to you," I kiss the top of his head, "I'll make brownies for after dinner, how about that?"

"Can't I stay here?"

"No, I've got some boring work stuff to take care of."

Abel sighs. "You're always working. Even when you say you aren't going to."

"I know, I know." I gently close the door as Nanda takes Abel out.

"Cute kid."

I turn to find him spread out on a chair at the table, picking over the food. "He takes after his father."

Pete looks at me. "He's really Negan's?"

"Yes."

"So, you're really Negan's baby mama?"

"Yeah." I grumble.

I hate that phrase. It's only slightly humorous when Negan says it in his way, but even then I cringe.

"Huh, I thought he mentioned it before."

"He did?"

"Yeah, he said you were some woman he'd fool around with before the change," Pete informs me as he chews, "And that 'apparently' you got knocked up."

I wish I could scoff but that is how it was. I still don't like it.

"The man's got good taste, I'll say that much."

I look at him, unflattered.

"You are quite the sight."

I breathe. "Would you like something to drink?"

"I like beer."

"I don't have beer."

"Whiskey?"

"I don't drink," I tell him, "I've got water, milk, and iced tea."

"Anything hot?" He asks. "It's cold as fuck out there."

"I'll make coffee."

"Thanks, legs."

"If you call me legs again, I'll pour it in your lap."

Pete smiles into a chuckle. "I see why Negan likes you."

"Trust me, he doesn't like me."

"Oh, I think he does."

I put the coffee on. "What is it that you're looking for?"

"Pardon?"

I stifle an eye roll at this numskull. "You said you were sent here to make sure we were 'behaving.' What exactly does that mean?"

"Oh," He nods, "Means I was sent to see if y'all are being compliant with the rules."

I cross my arms. "What other rules do we have other than making sure we have your cut at the end of the month?"

"Negan doesn't want you fraternizing with anyone outside of us."

"We haven't come across anyone else," I tell him, "We keep to ourselves."

"Unless you want to kill 'em for their meds."

I give him a look.

"Aaand he wants to make sure you aren't lying on your books," Pete tips back in his chair, "Which is a big no-no."

I furrow my brows. "I'm sorry, did Paula send you, or did Negan?"

"She got the orders from the big man," Pete tells me, "I wasn't busy, so she sent me. She doesn't like you all that much."

"The feeling's mutual."

Pete chuckles. "Women."

I disregard that remark. "So, Negan thinks we're stockpiling?"

"He's got a hunch that you may be hiding shit when it's that time of the month, so he wanted to catch you off guard I think Paula said."

"Why didn't he come to catch us off guard himself?"

"Because it's grunt work."

I nod, nibbling on my lip.

"So, after coffee, I'll take a look around, if you don't mind," Pete says, "Which I have a feeling you won't."

I look up at him.

He stares back. "Unless, of course you wanna just come clean to anything now?"

My eyes fall as I go to pour the coffee. "What would happen if we were found lying about what we have?"

"Negan's a hardass for the rules," He informs me, "Aside from not killing one of you for killing three of us, he usually never lets shit like this slide."

"So…" I watch the black liquid fill the mug, "Someone would die?"

"Or someones."

I bring him his coffee with a contrite quietness.

He looks up at me as he takes the mug. "You have anything you wanna say, legs?"

I meet his eyes.

"Spilling your guts before I start looking might do you some good."

My lips part. "I...I want to be cooperative."

"That's good," He sets his mug down, "Cooperation is always a good route."

"But …" I look off.

"But?"

I look back to him. "Negan might misunderstand the situation."

Pete's eyes scan mine.

"He's quick to conclusions," I hold my elbow, "Always has been with me."

Pete listens, waiting for my confession.

"He's got such a temper, as I'm sure you've seen."

"Oh, yeah." He nods.

My brows puzzle slightly. "You saw him...kill before?"

"I've seen what disobedience can result in," Pete drinks his coffee, "We've got pictures."

I grow more with dread. I make myself look down at my hands "I don't want him to think I'm being uncooperative."

"No, you don't."

"It's just…" I bite my lip, "He wouldn't understand. He blows his lid at everything I do."

"You've been fudging your inventory?"

I glance up. "I'm a single mother. I have to look out for my children. Make sure they have enough to eat. I don't know if you can understand. Are you a father, or...were you?"

"No," Pete shakes his head, "Never had the displeasure."

I walk the room, holding my elbows. "Is there anyway he might be lenient?"

"Negan isn't all that lenient," He gravely says, "Unless, of course, it behooves him to be."

I turn my head. "You think he might let me take the blame instead of someone else?"

Pete taps his finger against his mug. "I think he might be willing to...look the other way, if you were willing to comply with what he wanted in return for your transgression."

I look right at him. "I'd comply with anything, so long as my people would be safe from harm."

He pokes his tongue with his cheek. "That's what a good leader would do."

"Do you really think he'd look the other way?" I ask him. "You're Negan, too, aren't you?"

"I am," He nods his head, staring at me, "And I think he would, if you proved to be apologetic. Submissive."

I bring my lips to a close, not breaking eye contact. "I am more than willing to be just that, if it would make the transgression go away."

The two of us exit the house. I find Lourdes nearly pacing outside. She stops when she sees us.

I look at her. "I'm going for a walk."

"A walk?" Her brows furrow deeply.

"Yes," I tell her, staring, "I'm taking Pete to the cabin."

Lourdes' eyes search mine in utter confusion and stress.

"I'm going to take care of things."

…

The sun beats down through the trees. It's definitely an unseasonably hot day. I'm nearly sweating through my jacket.

"How much further?" Pete asks, drudging behind me.

"Not too much further," I breathe, "We're almost there."

I walk, scanning my eyes as I pass tree after tree.

"Goddamn, it's hot."

I form a faint smile. "I like it when it's hot."

"Do you?" He couldn't care less.

"Yeah," I say, "I like feeling the warmth on my skin." I look back. "I can take all these layers off and bathe in it."

Pete's eyes meet mine and he smirks.

I turn my head forward. "So, why didn't Paula come? Seems like something she'd enjoy doing seeing as she hates me."

"She didn't want to see your kids," He answers, "She doesn't like kids."

I nod my head. She used to. She doesn't want to see _my_ kids. Jolyon.

"But shit's better with me around, don't you think?" He chuckles. "I'm way less strict than that bitch."

"Yeah, good thing."

"Good thing," He repeats, "And things can remain that way, you know?"

"Can they?"

"They can."

I lick my lips. "How would that work? With Negan coming here?"

"You'll have things hidden before he gets here," Pete says, "And I'll keep that underwraps for you, if you're a cool customer."

"That's me," I dryly reply, "Always cool."

"Glad to hear."

I stop in my tracks as we make it to where I've led him.

"Why you stopping?"

I stare, not answering his question.

"Hello?"

"Aren't they pretty?"

"Aren't what pretty?"

"The flowers," I turn, "Aren't they pretty?"

Pete looks at the stalks. "Oh, yeah, real lovely." He looks at me. "Where's the cabin?"

"Half a mile."

"What?" He scoffs. "Why the fuck did we walk?"

"It's such a nice, sunny day. I thought we could get some fresh air." I take off my mitten and reach out, plucking the white flowers.

"I didn't follow you for fresh air." He retorts.

I pick up my gaze, smiling a little. "We could stop here."

"What?" He furrows his brows.

"The grass is soft under these flowers," I explain, dropping the ones I've had between my fingers, "We could do it right here."

"On the ground?"

I smirk. "It's the one place Negan hasn't had me."

Pete looks from the ground to me.

"But has always wanted to."

He slowly begins to smile, agreeing to.

I curl my finger and he comes. When he's close enough, I grab his shirt and rotate him and I. He seems to like my sudden eagerness. With my hands, I close his eyes, walking him closer to the plants. I then playfully yet forcefully shove him backwards.

"What the-" Pete falls on his ass into the wild patch. "Goddammit!"

"I'm sorry," I say, looking down at him, "I just got excited."

He winces as he sits up. He sniffs and rubs his eyes, opening them. Pete sniffles against, as if trying to shake away allergies. He blinks and rubs his eyes again.

I stare. "Are you alright?"

He uses both hands to deeply polish his eyes. He blinks over and over. "I...I-I can't see."

"What?"

"I can't see," His head turns from side to side, "I can't fucking see!"

I stand and watch as he frantically gets himself up.

"I can't see!" He screams, putting his hands over his eyes. "I can't see! My eyes! They're fucking bruning! I can't see!"

I suddenly go to him, but he swats at me and the air.

"My eyes!"

"Let me take you to the doctor!" I grab hold of his arm and tug. "I'm trying to help you!"

"I can't see!"

"Sh!" I pull him along. "You'll attract the dead."

I guide him through the woods back home to Halcyon. He goes quiet, or quiet enough not to bring in drifters. He bemoans himself, covering his rashy eyes.

"I can't see."

"Put your hand down," I tell him, "You'll make it worse."

"I can't see." Is all he can pathetically wail.

The sun is on our backs as we walk. It's not much farther. When we reach the back wall, I call for help.

I bring Pete through Halcyon. "Get Meredith." I order someone, any one of the bystanders looking on with horror.

"I can't see."

"Shh," I soothe, "It's gonna be alright; I'm taking you to the doctors."

Meredith comes out of the hospital. She stops and stares.

"He can't see," I inform her, "I think he fell in some hogweed."

She looks from his already blistering face, neck, and hands to me. She takes him gently but urgently towards the building. Ravinder stands by the door, staring in shock. We briefly make eye contact, before she follows Meredith.

"Pippa."

I look over at Lourdes. She, along with Martin and Jolyon, who must have come back while I was gone, and a crowd of people gather.

"What the hell happened?"

I inspect my hand that's starting to burn. "I took care of things. Of Halcyon.

"What?"

"He can't report our hoarding, if he can't to see it." I look up at her.

Lourdes furrows her brows.

"Take whatever you brought from East back," I tell Martin, "They'll come for him if he doesn't return by tomorrow."

He nods, staring perplexingly at me.

"What are we supposed to tell them about their guy?" Lourdes asks. "About what happened to him."

My eyes find Walter in the crowd. "We'll tell him he stuck his nose where it didn't belong."

I turn and go into the hospital.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**

 **CLTex: She'll definitely have a lot to handle as things start to fray with the Saviors. This is minor, but only the beginning and unfortunately Pippa will have a lot on her plate, though of her own fault.**

 **Guest: Thank you! :)**


	23. Chapter 23

The first aid kit I keep under my bed has an ointment that smells like cade plant but it's the only ointment I can get Abel to use without complaining that it stings. I squeeze a clear, shiny glob onto my blistering hand and then gently pat it around the angry area. I hiss under my breath at the intense pain, which I think is just from the burns and not the ointment on top of the burns.

"Jol?" I call out his name, mostly to know if he's in the house.

"Yeah?"

"Cut me some of that gauze, please." I walk to the sink to rinse off my greasy fingers.

When I go back to the table, Jolyon's got a nice long strand of gauze cut from the roll.

"Thanks." I have a seat, delving my hand into the kit. I rip open a pack of plain white cotton pads to lay under the gauze.

Jolyon stands there, watching me bandage up my ugly hand.

"Cut me a little medical tape," I tell him, "Enough to wrap once around."

He digs into the kit and pulls out the tape, cutting me come.

"Thank you." I take the tape and use it to secure the bandage around my hand. I breathe after it's done, looking up at him. His eyes meet mine, but he's silent. "What's the matter? Huh?"

He lowers his eyes, shaking his head. "Nothing."

Our front door gets a loud, forceful pounding.

"Yeah?"

Lourdes come into the house. "What the hell happened?"

"I told you," I pack up the first aid kit, "He fell into some hogweed. It's phototoxic and causes blindness." I look around. "Where's Nanda and Abel?"

"Jol, go get Abel." Lourdes instructs.

Jolyon looks at me, before obeying and leaving out the open door.

Lourdes stares at me. "What _really_ happened?"

I lug the kit back to my bedroom. "He came here to look through our inventory. Paula sent him." I come out of the bedroom, locking plain eyes with Lourdes. "Negan gave the orders. They think we're lying about our stock."

She stares. "I thought things were good. Negan left happy last time, right?"

I scoff under my breath, looking over my bandaged hand. "I guess I'm not as good in bed as I used to be."

"That's not what I meant," She scoffs back, "Are you okay?"

"It's just a burn,"I shrug, "I'll have Mer look it over when she's done with Pete."

"Is he gonna be okay?" She asks. "He looked in bad shape."

I look at her. "Why do you care?"

"I care because the Saviors will come looking for him if he doesn't return."

I nod my head. "He's got a radio...I guess we'll have to get word to his outpost."

"Paula."

I sigh through my nose. "Yeah."

"And then Negan."

I glance over to the window. "Martin was coming back from East. I...I did what was necessary." I turn my gaze back to her. "He can't report, what he can't see."

She continues to look at me with her hands on her hips. "How did you lure him out there?"

"I told him we could go to the cabin," I say, "I didn't want him going into the inventory."

"Does he know we've been lying?"

I shrug my shoulder. "I suggested it, but he can't prove it."

Abel and Jolyon come through the door. "Hi, Mom."

"Hey, Abel."

"Nanda made me really good food," He holds up a container, "She said Jol and I could bring some home."

"Oh, I have a feeling this is her aloo baingan over rice."

"You can't eat it," He says, "She said it was mine."

"Alright, go put it in the fridge."

Lourdes watches as he goes to the fridge, before setting her eyes back on me. "You better hope you're right."

"I am."

"You better be." She retorts, before stalking out of the house.

"What was she talking about?"

"Nothing."

…

After dinner, I bust out our old ass television and VHS player to put on a movie for the kids. We don't have it out all the time, because of space, so I keep it stored in the closet since it's small enough to fit on the floor with some other things. We don't have a lot of tapes, we sort of pass them around the community, but the people still get a kick out of the normalcy having them around provides.

"Okay," I push the tape into the VHS slot and press the play button, " _Jumanji_ will begin right after our regular scheduled previews."

"Cool."

"You're not gonna get scared?" I lift my brow at Abel. "I can put in something else."

"No."

I breathe, looking up at Jolyon. "If he starts covering his eyes too much, put in _Homeward Bound_ , or _Free Willy_ , or something."

"Okay."

"Hey, I'm not gonna cover my eyes!"

"I don't want you having more nightmares about monkeys kidnapping you and driving off in a police car."

"How come those cars have lights on them?"

"Dude, I tell you everytime we watch this movie." Jolyon rolls his eyes.

"I just wanna know, jeez."

"I'll be back," I head for the door, "Stop squabbling and be nice to each other."

I head out to the hospital to check on Pete. I want to see the damage. My hand swelled up a bit shortly after I badaged it, but I got it down quickly. Jolyon noticed it before I did. He's really concerned about it, even though I keep assuring him it's alright.

"Pippa."

"Not now."

"Yes, now."

"Take all you brought from East Valley back," I instruct, not slowing down, "Take the back trails to avoid running into anyone on the road."

"Hey." He takes my arm, but I jerk it back.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"What the hell happened out there?"

"He fell into some hogweed."

"Why were you two out by the cabin?"

"Because he wanted to see it."

Martin's eyes study me, concerned. "Did he?"

I roll my eyes. "No, I led him off trail."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, nothing like that happened," I tell him, "He fell into the hogweed and-"

"You mean you pushed him?"

"No, he-"

"Your hand is blistered."

"Oh, I touched the plant."

"You weren't wearing gloves?" He raises his brow.

"No."

"It's thirty degrees out."

"I forgot them."

"No, you didn't, you had 'em in your pocket," He counters, "I saw 'em sticking out."

I furrow my brows.

"What did you do, Pippa?"

"I'm on my way to find out." I start to walk away from him and he follows.

We go into the quiet hospital. The office room Meredith and Ravinder share is empty, so we go ahead to the room where they house patients. Meredith is there with her back turned to us.

I knock on the open door. "Hey."

She looks over her shoulder. "He's resting. He was upset, so I gave him a mild sedative."

"How is he?" Martin asks for me.

"All parts of his body that was exposed to the plant were badly burned," She reports, "Swelling, blistering, peeling." She looks over, making eye contact. "It got in his eyes, so he's suffering from blindness."

"Permanent?" Martin inquires.

"I don't know, we'll have to wait and see."

She finally moves from the bed, revealing the nearly unrecognizable Pete lying asleep in the white bed. He looks awful. Awful is putting it mildly. His eyes look swollen and bright red with inflammation. His whole face is spotted with patches of blisters filled with fluid or yellow-white layers of skin balled up from rubbing. His neck is almost just the same and his hands are bandaged like mine.

"He had an allergic reaction earlier, so we had to use an epipen," Meredith adds, "I'd ask Negan to write that out of our debt, since they're hard to come by. Unless he wants to give us one of his."

I nod, just barely paying attention.

"He will be okay though, right?"

"He should make a full recovery," She says, "Hopefully that includes his eyesight…have you contacted the Saviors? Pippa?"

"Pip?" Martin nudges me.

"Uh, no we haven't yet."

"He may need them to take him home."

"Yeah, I'll figure it out," I exit the hospital, "Thanks, Mer."

"Pippa."

"I have to get the boys ready for bed."

"Are you gonna call 'em?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"They'll show up sooner than that, if he doesn't come back."

"I need you to take all of that stuff back now."

"Pippa-"

"I wasn't asking a favor," I abruptly turn, "I was telling you to return what you brought here back."

Martin stares at me, almost defiant.

"Now."

He sighs through his flared nostrils. "How are you gonna explain to them why their guy was here for not twenty minutes before he wound up festering and blind?

"That's for me to worry about, not you."

"No, this affects everyone here," He retorts, "They aren't gonna be happy about this. That redhead already has beef with us."

"We will be fine," I firmly assure him, "I will take care of things."

Martin stares at me. "Did you blind him, Pippa?"

I pause, knitting my brows. "What?"

"Did you blind him?" He asks more demandingly.

"I…"

"That why your hand got burned too?"

I stare, confronted. "I...I did what I had to do."

He stares back and I'm not sure if he's convinced of that.

I turn. "I've gotta go, Martin. Head back to East."

I enter my house where the boys are quietly watching the raucous movie.

"You're back so soon?" Abel says.

"Yeah," I meekly smile, going to my bedroom, "Ten more minutes and it's bedtime."

I go to the window and peek out across the street towards the hospital a little ways down. I then turn to pace as I think about what to do.

They will come for him when he doesn't report back. I know it's a short window of time before that happens. I'm not worried about Paula coming here like Martin is; she's nothing compared to Negan. How the fuck am I gonna explain this to him?

"Mom?"

I glance over. "Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Jol, I'm fine."

"Is Negan gonna be mad?"

"Why would he be mad?" I ask, still pacing.

"Because of what you did to that guy."

I pause in place.

"I know it wasn't an accident," He tells me, "Everyone does."

I shift my body to look at him.

"I saw East Valley today. Mom, anyone who knows or has seen that knows you did it on purpose."

My nostrils flare, defensive. "That was a different situation."

"Not really," Jolyon argues, "But it doesn't matter, because if we know you did it on purpose, then so will Negan."

I stare at him. I'm not angry, I'm ashamed.

"And that guy will tell Negan what happened."

I take a breath, before I walk over to him. I touch his head. "That man will be in worse trouble than I will, if he tells Negan what happened, so he's not gonna say anything."

Jolyon looks up at me. "Did he hurt you?"

I smile gently. "No, he didn't." I put my arm around him. "Don't worry about it, alright? I can take care of whatever comes our way. I always do."

He sighs. "Okay."

I chuckle a little, smoothing my hand over his head. "Oh, come on. When in the history of ever has Negan won against me, huh? He's no match for me."

Jolyon smiles, humored or feigning humor. "Yeah…"

I gently look on him. "It'll be okay, Jol. I promise. If Negan even makes it out here for such a minor thing as this, he'll leave laughing like he always does."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Abel comes into the room. "Mom, _Jumanji_ isn't a real game, right?"

"No, it's not."

"Good, because I wouldn't want to be turned into a monkey." He hops on the bed.

"That's only if you cheat."

"Well, I still don't like that game."

Jolyon and I chuckle at him.

"It would be cool to have all those animals though."

"Yeah, stampedes would be a real hoot," I wryly say, "Alright, get in bed."

"Are you going to bed, too?"

"Yes, but first I have to go talk to Lourdes."

"About what?"

"About Christmas stuff."

"Ooooh," Abel tucks his hands behind his head, "When is Christmas?"

"Next week," I plant a kiss on his forehead, "We've got to duke out who gets to have it at their house this year."

"We always have it here."

"Because your mama's undefeated." I kiss my bicep.

"Don't punch Lourdes."

"I am not gonna punch Lourdes." I get up from the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay."

I look over to Jolyon on his bed. "I'll be at Lourdes' for a little while."

"I heard."

I breathe quietly. "I won't be long."

"Okay."

I leave the house, feeling like shit that he feels the need to worry. It pains me that he actually saw the change of East Valley, after only seeing it once which was when it was in its prime. I hate that he understands me or my leadership by East and I can't bring myself to combat that.

"Hey."

I look to my right, seeing Lourdes and her pooch coming out of her house. "What?"

"Where you going?"

"Nowhere," I tell her, "I was just getting some fresh air."

"So are we," She says, "You should join us."

I scoff, squatting down to greet Cleo, "I'm gonna breathe different air."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, I've got some shit to deal with and I don't need you, or Martin, or Jolyon crawling up my ass about it."

"Jol's worried?"

"Have a good walk." I stand up, petting Cleo when she nudges my hand.

Lourdes huffs. "You made a mess, Pippa. I'm sorry you're expected to clean it up."

"Piss off."

"Go fuck yourself." She retorts, whistling for Cleo to follow.

I wait with the frigid night stinging my face, until she's far enough down the road. I then take out Pete's radio and turn it on. A window above the hospital has a soft yellow light illuminating it.

"Pete, come in, Pete," A voice calls through static, "Where the hell are you? Over."

"This is Pippa Barnes." I reply

"Hey, Pippa," Paula's voice comes on, "We've been trying to get a hold of our friend, Pete for a while now. He should've been back from his play date at your place by now."

I lip my lips, holding the radio up. "He's still here."

"Any reason he's not picking up his own radio?"

"Yeah, there is actually."

"Did you play nice?"

I take a deep breath.

"Pippa?" Her tone sounds condescending.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Where's Pete?"

The light from the window turns off.

…

"I want an estimate on how much more wood we'll need to get the boardwalk finished."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You think the rain and snow will warp the wood?"

"If we treat it, it should be okay."

"Alright."

"I'll have that estimate by this evening, Pippa."

"Thanks."

"Pippa!"

I turn at Ravinder's frantic voice.

She rushes up to me, grabbing my arm. "Pippa, something's happened."

"Hey, catch your breath," I steady her, "What's wrong? What's happened?"

"It's that guy," Ravinder tells me, "He- he's dead."

"Dead?"

"Yeah, I went to check on him but I heard noise and when I opened the door, he was up and he had turned."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, he was tangled in his I.V and the pole it's connected to, so he wasn't far from his bed," She stammers, out of breath, "What are we gonna do? He's dead!"

"Sh," I scout around, "Keep calm, okay? It's gonna be alright."

"Pip, the Saviors-"

"Take me to the hospital."

I follow her to the hospital. My heart races under my composed external. When we get in, Meredith is in the room, picking up. Pete's lifeless body lays flat on the floor beside the turned over bed.

"Hey."

"Hey." She greets without looking over.

"What happened?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. Rav came in this morning and he was dead."

"Any clue why he died?"

"He must have gone into anaphylactic shock again," She shrugs, "I'm not sure what else might have caused a sudden death. He fell in hogweed."

"You didn't hear anything last night?"

"No, I had a glass of wine before bed," She exhales, "I'm a lightweight; it knocked me out."

I nod my head, looking back over the body. "The Saviors will be here any minute."

"What?" Rav turns her head.

"They were trying to get a hold of him on his radio last night," I explain, "I told Paula what happened and to pick him up today."

"Pip, he's dead," She grows more anxious, "What if they-"

"It's no one's fault," I assure the both of them, "He had an allergic reaction and died. We can't be blamed for him falling into a plant and being allergic to it."

"But the Saviors-

"Let me worry about the Saviors."

Meredith sighs through her nose, folding her arms. "Okay."

"Trucks!" Someone shouts outside, making the air in here stiffen.

"Stay here," I instruct, "Get him back on the bed, put the blanket over him; make it look like we give a damn he's dead."

I head out to meet Paula. Passing people has yet to get easier since the Saviors came into our lives. Or, until I _brought_ the Saviors into our lives.

Paula only seems to have brought two trucks with her which relieves me a little. Her stoney face doesn't look too pleased and it's about to get a whole lot worse.

"Morning."

"Where is he?"

"In the hospital," I tell her, "But there's been a development."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He's dead."

"What?"

I start to walk back to the hospital and she follows with a scowl. "He'd been having allergic reactions to the hogweed he fell in and-"

"Hogweed?"

"Yeah, it's-"

"I know what hogweed is," She scoffs, "Allie got into some on a camping trip when she was eight."

I look over at her, but not for too long, in case she catches me and gets pissy about it.

"What I don't understand is how the hell he died from it."

"The doctor said he had gone into anaphylactic shock earlier," I step up onto the boardwalk just outside the hospital, "She gave him an epipen, he was fine all day after that, but then they found him dead just before you got here."

"Just before I got here?" She looks at me head on with dry eyes. "Wow, we just missed him, huh?"

I take her into the hospital, where Meredith and Ravinder stand by the body that has a white thin linen over it. They both look over as soon as we come in.

"We're very sorry for your-"

"What's the diagnosis, doc?" Paula cuts off Meredith's condolences.

"He had a severe allergic reaction to the hogweed," Meredith replies to Paula's callous lack of concern, "I gave him adrenaline and he responded well to it, but he must have had a rebound reaction overnight."

Paula stares at the body, which Ravinder exposes for her. "Wouldn't he need to be exposed to the thing he's allergic to?"

"Not always," Meredith says, "But it's possible his clothing picked up the plant's sap or pollen."

"So, why didn't you change him?"

"We...don't have hospital gowns." Meredith looks at me, uneasy by Paula's causal hostility.

Paula walks over to the body, still a little swollen from the reaction, and leans down to inspect it. "Where's the hogweed?"

"Pardon?"

"The hogweed," She rudely repeats, "Where is it at?"

"It's… about a quarter mile outside of Halcyon."

"What was he doing a quarter mile outside of Halcyon?" She straightens up. "He was supposed to be looking over your inventory."

"He wanted to see the cabin," I inform her, "To make sure we weren't hiding any stock there."

"Huh."

I refrain from scoffing at her. "I'm sorry that-"

"Pete was sent to my outpost because he was too rough with the workers he'd pay to screw," Paula looks his body over, "That didn't bother me so much; what did bother me was his sexist defiance of my authority."

My brows gather a little.

"Long story short, I don't care that he's dead," She meets my eyes, "Although, you did cut me short one more body to man my outpost, which pisses me off and I can't imagine Negan will be too thrilled to hear it either."

I try not to act like that doesn't bother me as I stare back at her. She wants to see it in me, but she's not going to.

"Especially since Pete was sent to look over your inventory and wound up dead." She leaves the hospital and I go after her.

"You think we killed him?"

"I think the suspicions that you're stockpiling offsite aren't ungrounded," She replies, "Pete dying during a pop-up visit seems to raise a red flag."

"We didn't kill your guy. He had an allergic reaction to a dangerous plant."

"Conveniently."

"You think we wanted this?" I scoff. "We've been staying in good with the Saviors and we want it to stay that way, so why would we do anything to threaten that?"

"Because you think you can get away with it," She turns on me, "You use your kids to get Negan to bend the rules for you and when that doesn't work, well…" She looks me over and it gets my blood hot. "I got news for you, old pal; Negan doesn't trust you."

I furrow my brows.

She scoffs through her nose, taking another look at me. "I'm gonna need to see your inventory and your books."

"Of course," I lead her, "I'm surprised Negan isn't here doing this, since he apparently doesn't trust me."

"Well, you spread 'em every time he comes around, so maybe he sent someone who you couldn't pull that crap with."

"That might have stuck me, if it wasn't the only joke people, Negan included, make about me."

"That's because you are the joke." She dryly retorts.

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I can't keep my pants on around him."

"Well, actually the joke is that you don't know what's coming because your face is buried in a pillow, but I guess that's not far off from what you said."

"What's coming?" I huff. "And what exactly is coming?"

"Oh, where's the fun in ruining the surprise?"

"Hey!"

I turn my head and see a few people coming over to Paula and I. "What's wrong?"

"They want to go through our houses!" Jim angrily replies. "Said they're here to take inventory, but what's in our homes don't count as inventory. We worked for what we have. "

I look at Paula. "Inventory doesn't extend to the houses, we deduct personal groceries and items when people trade for them."

"What exactly do they trade?"

"Their labor."

She sneers, unimpressed. "Well, Negan wanted a full inventory." She looks at me. "And I intend on being thorough."

"Items inside homes are not-"

"You could be hiding things not reported in the home."

"Really?" I huff. "In plain sight?"

She shrugs in response. "We're going through everything."

"That's an invasion of privacy."

"You don't have privacy." She starts to walk off. "Start from the top and work to the end. Two parties on both sides."

As the Saviors start to move, I feel a surge. I reach my hand out for her shoulder. "Paula, wait, you can't-"

She right hooks me hard across the face.

I look right at her. My heart beats wild against me.

"If you step out of line again, it'll be someone else," She coldly tells me with no emotion about hitting me, "Now, go sit in your home, while we do these searches."

My blood boils.

"Go be a mother to your children," She shrugs, "While you've still got them."

She turns to leave again, but I reach back. I shift her around and nail her right in the nose, causing blood to spray. Her eyes have emotion in them for once. She grabs me by the hair of the head and decks me again and then again.

Before she can have another crack at me, I pull her feet out from under her with my boot, dropping her flat on the ground and nearly knocking the wind out of her. I bring my boot down on her face when she tries to sit up. In a fury, I get on top of her and hold her by her shirt as I punch her over and over.

"Pippa!"

I ignore my name being called and go to strike her again when I hear a gun cock. I look up and see a Savior pointing a glock right at me.

"Pippa," Martin calmly says, "Get up." He extends his hand out. "Come on."

I taste iron and I scoff, as if humored. I don't know why I have to fight a smile as I take his hand. I feel like I could laugh.

The Savior's got his gun still on me, while another gets Paula off the ground. She coughs as she gets on her feet. Her bloodied pale face looks daggers at me as she catches her breath. She then chuckles.

"You stupid bitch."

I don't reply, though adrenaline whips through me.

She touches the blood from her lips and looks at it. "Get in the trucks."

"What?"

"We're leaving."

"You don't want to look through the houses?"

"No," Paula replies, looking at me, "We'll head back, let Negan know they were noncompliant. He can deal with this bitch."

I watch as she and all the Saviors that came with her get into their cars and drive through the opening gates. I'm becoming aware of the cold as the adrenaline leaves my body.

My eyes move over the crowd. "Terry, I'd like the estimate by this evening."

Terry looks over, nodding after a moment. "Sure thing, Pippa."

Like that the crown breaks apart. Some people linger for a moment more, before dispersing completely.

"She didn't even take him."

Martin looks at me. "What?"

"Paula," I spit blood and saliva, "She didn't take Pete's body."

"We'll bury him."

"Off to the side," I tell him, "He doesn't belong in our…"

"You good?" Martin stoops a little to be at eye level. "You took some blows to the head."

"I'm fine," I put my arm out, "I take it back; bury him in the graveyard and mark it like the others."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Mom?"

I glance behind me. Jolyon and Abel are standing a few feet away with Cleo. I thought I heard barking.

"Hey, why aren't you with Lourdes doing schoolwork?"

"Because we heard the commotion, dummy," Lourdes takes my arm, "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"The boys are gonna do their homework while you fucking wash up."

The boys go home which is where I think I'm going until Lourdes steers me to her house. God, it feels I'm about to be spoken to by my mom.

"Don't drip blood on my rug."

I hold my nose. Paula bloodied my nose at some point but I didn't realize blood was still pouring. I'm starting to feel the pain of it all. I wonder how fucked up my face looks. My bandaged hand feels like it's on fire.

"Come sit on down," Lourdes instructs, turning in her water, "So, I can clean you up."

I can't help but snicker to myself as I sit. The way she said that sounded like something from Negan's fantasies about Lour and I.

"I don't know what you think you're snickering about," She wrings out a rag, "I don't find any of this funny."

"I wasn't laughing. Ah!"

"Hold still." She starts to wash my face.

"I can do this myself."

"I've got it."

"I thought you were angry at me."

"I am," She cleans my face, "But I'll admit I liked seeing you kick the shit out of that rigid bitch."

"You know, Negan's had dreams about shit like this."

"Did she knock your fucking brain lose?"

I look at her serious eyes and I grow somber. "Sorry."

She sighs through her nose, wringing out the rag at the sink. "What are we gonna do about Negan?"

"Oh, Negan will be easy to handle."

"You think sucking his dick will make him forget you killed one of his guys and got into a fight with Paula?"

"Lour," I exhale, "Please stop with the jokes about Negan and I...despite how pathetic it makes me."

"I don't think you're pathetic."

"Then why the hell have you been busting my balls about Negan?"

"Because you lose your head around him."

"I do not."

"You do, too," She argues, "And you know it as well as I do."

" I don't lose my head." I scowl as she walks back to the sink. I exhale. "I lose my footing."

"I'm not sure which is worse to lose as a leader, but either way, Negan's got you all disoriented."

"He does not," I huff, "I know exactly where I am. Who I am."

"That why you killed Pete?"

"I didn't-"

"Why blind someone you were gonna kill anyway?"

"I-"

"Pippa, tell Paula and Negan whatever you want, but tell me the truth," She sits down, "You killed Pete, didn't you?"

I look at her earnest eyes and bring my lips to a close.

She breathes in, reaching out and tucking hair out of my face. "Even blue and bloody, you're still a babe."

I scoff, smiling and laughing when she does.

"I'm glad I've never had to duke it out with you, that's for goddamn sure," She chuckles, fixing that same strand, "You're unreal."

I settle my humor. "I had a dream about us."

"Ah, cállate," She softly commands, "You and I could never work out."

I cock my brow and smile incredulously.

"We're too hot blooded, you and me," She smiles, "We'd kill each other."

"Shut up."

"And could you imagine our libidos in tandem? We'd never get anything done around here."

"Well, shit, I always thought we'd make a good power couple but okay."

She cackles, then clears her throat. "Okay, so you had a dream about you and Negan?"

"Yeah…" I recall it in my mind. "It was like if I had waited for him and we built a life together after….it was nice. We lived somewhere quiet with the boys and I was...I was pregnant and we were arguing over his cursing around the kids and...we were happy."

Her smile wanes as she listens. Her eyes look down. "Sounds like the life you used to tell Abel about at night before bed."

I feel my smile fade away. "It'll never be like that, will it?"

Lourdes' eyes pick up to mine. She's sympathetic and it makes me nauseous. "Not where you're at right now, no."

She gets up with an exhale. And I feel the sinking feeling she's right.

"The way things are now? There's no turning back. Especially not after today."

"I'll take care of it."

"I know you will," She turns in her sink again, "Just make sure you've got your head on your shoulders when you do." She looks over her own shoulder. "And your feet on the ground."

…

My whole house smells like chicken and wild rice soup. Abel's still a little stuffy, so I'm making soup to last us a few days. I've also got a loaf of bread in the oven. The house is so toasty thanks to my domestic goddessing.

The front door opens and my breath firmly pauses as I stir the pot. "Mom?"

"Hm?"

"I think Negan's here."

I breathe out. "Okay, I'm coming."

I lower the flame on the stove and check the timer for the bread, before I take off my apron. I toss the apron on the back of a chair and go for my jacket by the door.

"Can I go, too?"

"You can stay inside with your brother until I get back."

"Aw!"

"You want that cold to ever go away?"

"Yes." Abel sighs.

"I'll be right back." I exit the house, taking one last breath before I have to meet him.

Despite the bruises and scabs, I keep a cool face so I won't convey how much I'm gonna hate having to explain away the whole enchilada to Negan. I also don't want to appear too contrite, because there's nothing Negan likes more than seeing someone cower before him.

Then again playing it sweet and sorry might actually work for me. Or Negan would see right through me. He always could before.

When I see him, I fight the urge to smile. It'll make me look weak or passive; like I'm gonna roll and show my belly for mercy. I'd rather be hit with that bat he's got over his shoulder. Plus, I picked today of all days not to wear something without buttons to undo, so what's the point in trying to handle this the nice way?

He turns around as I get closer and his eyes dagger into me upon sighting. I continue to walk up, despite knowing I'm gonna have to pull myself out of the deep shit I'm in.

 _Hey_ is all I can think to say. What else could I say? _Hey, baby, I know I was a bad girl, but please don't be mad._ Ew, he'd like that.

I hike my thumb behind me. "Your guy is buried in the back."

Negan's face doesn't change. I turn to take him to the graveyard, hoping to draw him away from the men he brought with him to avoid a need to demonstrate who's in control. It's better to talk to him alone.

Much to my satisfaction, I hear his footsteps in the dirt as he follows. We don't speak to one another the whole way there. I look for the most recent burial spot, which is marked with a stick cross and some sprig of dried lavender. Nice touch, Martin. We stop at the grave, looking down at it.

"What the fuck the happened?" He asks me calmly.

"He fell into some hogweed," I tell him, "He couldn't see and his skin started to burn because of the sun. The plant is phototoxic, so-"

"I know what hogweed is," He interrupts tersely, "How the hell did he die?"

"Didn't Paula-" I pause when he looks at me with that scowl on his face. I clear my throat. "He had a bad reaction to the plant. The doctor was able to get it down with an epipen, but he must have had another flare up in the night. Ravinder found him turned the next morning when she went to check on him."

I almost reach out to touch his shoulder, as if to offer condolences, but I think better of it.

"I'm sorry, Negan," I say instead, "I reported back to Paula that he was here and that they could come get him...I didn't think he'd die."

"Where's the hogweed at?"

"It's down past the cabin."

Negan looks over at me. "Why was he there?"

"Because I took him there."

He stares and I can see the displeasure in his unchanged expression. "And what were you doing there with him?"

I look down at my hands. "He wanted to make sure we weren't stockpiling there."

He looks me over, as if trying to decide if he believes that. "What the hell happened between you and Paula?"

"She said she was going to search the houses," I keep explaining, "People were upset, I tried to reason with her, and then she clocked me and threatened me with our kids."

"Threatened how?"

I bitterly meet his eyes. "This fight was a long time coming."

"I don't fucking care," He raises his voice, "She was carrying out orders that you were meant to comply to."

"What's in peoples' cupboards is not inventory anymore," I scoff, "There's no reason-"

"I wanted a full fucking inventory of this goddamn place and if Paula decided that that included your fucking little gingerbread houses, then so fucking be it."

I stare incredulously at him. Anger roars up in my calm exterior. "Do you not trust me, Negan?"

He lowers his bat from his shoulder. "Are you hiding shit from me?"

"Answer my question."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, asshole," I speak up, "Do you-"

"Do I need to fucking remind you that your people have been on easy street these past couple months, despite the fuckin' fact that you killed my people in a dumbass attempt to rob me?"

"Do I need to remind you that we've been paying you back every moment since?"

"Yeah, and yet you still keep fucking up."

"Pete died of an allergic reaction!"

"I don't give a flying fuck about Pete!" He yells back. "I've had about all I can fucking stand of your bullshit, Pippa."

"I…" I bite my tongue. He stares, waiting for my shitty explanation. I exhale. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't gonna fucking cut it, Pippa," He tells me, "The Saviors have been nothing but fucking civil, per my goddamn intructions, and you can't even show me the same fucking courtesy."

"I...I know, I'm...I'm sorry," I say to him, "I'll accept all of the blame."

He looks at me, unamused.

"I just…." I bite my lip, "Jolyon used to spend the night at Paula's house. Now, all she ever tells me is how she hopes I know the pain of losing him. Both of them."

Negan's eyes trace mine, still silent.

My eyes start to water. "I lost my cool; I know I was wrong, but you don't know how hard that hits when it's so easy to lose people these days." I look at Negan, emotional. "I didn't get my strength from the dead. I got it from the living. My children. Without them, I would be nothing."

Negan stuck his tongue in his cheek for a moment. He then breathes out, running his hand down his mouth. "Pippa, you gotta cap the tits. You can't fly off the handle over salty fucking comments."

I shift my jaw, feeling the soreness. "Did you just say 'cap the tits'?"

He breaks into a chuckle. "That's not the fucking point, dipshit."

I smile a little. "I know, sorry."

He steps closer to me, looking over me again. "Jesus, your face is a goddamn mess."

"How's Paula's?"

"Way fuckin' worse," He playfully drags his knuckles across my jaw, "Atta girl."

I look up at him. "So, what are you going to do? Your people want it squared out I take it."

His smile starts to dwindle. I feel a jabbing faltering my breath as terror coldly sinks down my spine. My eyes start to water again.

"Negan, _please_. Let it be me."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **I hope everyone is practicing social distancing in this difficult time. Best of health to you and yours.**


	24. Chapter 24

"Do you have any threes?"

"Go fish."

"Dang it."

"Do you have any fives?"

"Um…" Abel softly counts to himself, "Yeah, here."

"Do you have any twos?"

"Hey, ask Dad next!"

"Give me the two, Abel."

"You can't ask me again after you already asked me!"

"Yes, I can," Jolyon says, "Now, give me your two."

"Fine!"

"Real mature."

"Don't be such a sore loser, kid."

"I don't like losing!"

"I get that, but it's just Go Fish."

"I haven't won any!"

"Do you have any sixes?" Jolyon asks. "Abel?"

"Go Fish," Abel replies, "Jerk."

"Hey, knock it off." Negan warns.

"Abel, come taste this soup for me."

I hear his footsteps as he walks over to me in the kitchen. I shift when he's stopped at my side. I fill the spoon with broth and bring it down to his lips with caution.

"Careful, it's hot."

He touches my hand as he drinks from the spoon.

"I think it needs rosemary. You tell me."

"Um, yeah. It needs rosemary."

I smile. "Thanks."

I know he doesn't really know if the soup needs rosemary or not. And I know he knows that. It's just a thing I do sometimes whenever he's being a four-year-old.

My eyes glance over to the coffee table. "It's your turn?"

"Yeah." He pouts.

I smirk. "Your dad has a three."

Abel looks up at me and I wink and send him to go finish playing the game. I turn back to the pot when he walks away. I add the rosemary and stir. The steam from the pot draws sweat from my scalp and face.

"Dad, do you have any threes?"

"Lucky guess."

"Jolyon, do you have any sevens?"

I put the lid on and clean up around the kitchen by myself. Cooking used to be something I hated to do, which is why I always cooked whatever was the easiest, but now that I'm sober and living in a time where there's no take-out; I really have come to enjoy cooking. I don't enjoy cleaning up the huge ass mess though.

Something from the window catches my eye as I sweep some flour that had fallen off the counter into a pile. I watch as two hard-looking men stalk into one of the buildings across the street.

"Need any help?"

I keep my eyes on the window. "No."

"You sure?"

I breathe and go back to sweeping. "You wouldn't help even if I said yes."

"I offered, didn't I?"

"I've got it," I say, "Boys, I want you to start your math homework."

Negan lifts the lid off the soup. "Smells good."

"Mhm."

"Abel told me you helped him cheat."

I shrug. "He's four."

"It's still cheating and no one likes a cheater." He tries to joke.

"I don't think people like you should say that."

He hands me the dustpan. "Don't you mean people like us?"

I take it from him. As I go to move, he grabs the broom handle, causing me to halt at the tug. I look him in the eye.

The door to the house opens and that blonde woman and another Savior barge in. We both look over at them.

"We're here to take inventory." The blonde reports.

"That won't be necessary," Negan says to her, "This house is off limits."

I look back to him.

"Copy that." The woman says before she and the other guy start to leave.

"No," I call out, "Go ahead and search the place." I break eye contact with Negan to properly address his goons. "Would you like us to stand outside while you look around?"

Both of them look to their leader for instruction. Negan's eyes bear into me, unpleased.

"We're no exception," I say, "If you search their homes, you search mine. That's only fair."

He breathes out, nostrils flared. He then allows for them to go about their work with a cool nod.

"Boys, come do your work at the table," I pull the broom from his grasp, "Let the nice people go through our personal things."

After I sweep up the mess into the dustpan, I sit down with the kids to get out of their way as they search the place. I watch them open up the cupboards and pantry. The guy tells the blonde woman what he finds and how much of it, and she writes it down on a clipboard. My attention focuses on Negan when he pulls back a chair across from Abel and sits down. Our eyes meet, but I don't give them daggers like I wish I could. Instead, I keep my eyes aloof and soft, which expresses volumes.

"What does that say?"

I look over. "It says: _Draw the number ten and then draw ten spiders_."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Can I draw ten ants instead?"

"It says for you to draw ten spiders."

"But there's never ten spiders hanging out," Abel argues, "And there's always a bunch of ants together."

"What about when we lived in that barn for the winter?" Jolyon says. "Lourdes and Nanda put that thicket over the broken part of the roof and it was infested with spiders. We slept up on that platform in the rafters and woke up with them all over us."

"I don't remember that."

"Abel was only a year old at the time, Jol."

"Oh, yeah."

I smile, remembering that morning all too well. Nanda spent the whole day asking Ravinder to check her hair for spiders and fearing the possibility that spiders either crept into our ears to nest, or that we swallowed some in our sleep. She had the heebie-jeebies all day; freaking out if she felt so much as a slight itch or breeze on her skin.

"Lourdes said if we ate any in our sleep it was just protein we needed."

I chuckle with Jolyon. "I'm almost certain at least one of us accidentally ate a spider."

A cupboard door slams shut, making us all look over as the Saviors move onto the next one. I'm annoyed, but I ignore it. It was likely an accident.

"So, can I draw ants instead?"

"No, you need to follow the directions," I tell Abel, "Part of good learning is following the lesson."

"Lame."

"Shush, do your work."

"Can you check this one?" Jolyon slides his paper down the table towards me.

"Sure." I reach for it.

Negan places his hand on it to pass it down, but he pauses. "Isn't multiplication a little advanced?"

I take the paper from him. "It's just the basic time tables. He completed all the requirements for his age two months ago, so I figured he was ready to move on." I smile, pushing the paper back to Jolyon. "Looks good."

"Thanks."

I rest my head in my hand. "He gets it from his father."

Jolyon looks up from his work.

"His dad was a whiz at all things STEM."

"Read this one, please."

I lean closer to Abel, ignoring another loud cupboard door shut. "Draw the number eleven and then draw eleven crescent moons."

"Thank you."

"Alright, kitchen's counted for," The blonde woman says, "Let's check around over there." The two move to the living room.

"Dad, do you know how to draw croissant moons?"

"Crescent, Abel," I snicker, "A croissant is a pastry."

"I wasn't asking you, Mom; I was asking Dad."

I look over at Negan in question, before I catch sight of the blonde woman, Laura, I think, peeling back the covers of Jolyon's made bed. I almost tell her to leave it alone, but I can't, so I don't. Jolyon looks over his shoulder and sees it, too, then looks at me. I try to convey it's alright with just a look. He goes back to his homework.

"It's like drawing two backwards C's and linking them together at the ends. Like that."

I look away from the Saviors lifting up my couch cushions to peer down at Negan's drawing. Not bad, but then again it is just two C's linked together.

Abel takes the pencil back. "Like this?"

"Yeah, you got it."

"Cool, thanks."

"You are very welcome." Negan smiles. It's one of those smiles that lights a fire, so I look away.

My eyes draw back to the Saviors in my house. They open the bathroom door and take a short look around, since it's just a toilet, a sink, a mirror, and a stand that holds our toiletries. I knit my brows when they head into my bedroom.

Negan's head turns in the same direction. He glances back to me, but I don't say or illuminate any thoughts to him. He, however, gives off a notion of _this is what you wanted_. The sound of drawers being pulled out thickens the tension.

"Mom, when are they going to leave?" Abel whispers to me.

"They're almost done."

"And then you're leaving, Dad?"

"He'll be back soon," I answer instead of Negan, "The first of the month is in two weeks."

"But what about Christmas?" Abel looks at me. "You said it was next week."

I briefly glance at Negan.

"Mom."

I smile back at Abel. "We can talk about Christmas later."

"Isn't Dad gonna come?"

"Finish your homework." I get up from the table. "Soup's about ready. I know it was for dinner, but there's enough to last us about three meals." I grab the ladle and some bowls from the cupboard. "Anybody want a bowl?"

"You said to finish our homework."

"So, you aren't hungry, then?"

"No, I am."

"Alright," I set a bowl of soup down on the table, "Move your homework aside. Jol, you want any?"

"Sure."

"Here you are." I bring a bowl over to him.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"We're done here," Laura informs Negan, "The others should be finishing up."

"Gather up all the paperwork for me," Negan tells her, "I wanna look it over before I go."

"Roger that."

"Pippa?

I look over after the two make their exit.

"Can I have a word with you?" He hikes his thumb towards my bedroom.

"I was about to sit down to eat."

"Well, since you're already up," He stands, "Now's perfect timing to go chat."

I almost protest, but not wanting to argue yet again in front of the kids, I follow him to the bedroom. Jesus, those fucking assholes really did go through my drawers.

"Shut the door?"

I close it behind me, staring at the clunky, half-open drawers of my dresser. "You know, I have exactly fifteen pairs of underwear and three bras."

Negan looks at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"I'll know if any have gone missing."

He huffs. "You think Laura or Jack raided your drawers?"

"I don't know, but seeing as they came into my bedroom and rifled through my dresser, I'd be a fool not to count my knickers."

"Can't be hard to keep track of such a small inventory."

I scoff. "It's not like I can just go down to the store and buy more."

"You know, I might have some things for you to wear."

I curl my lip in disgust. "I don't want anything from your wives' boudoir."

"Shame."

"What did you bring me in here for?" I cross my arms. "And keep your voice down. The walls are thin."

"I've been thinking." He says.

"Oh, dangerous game you're playing."

He smirks briefly. "I was thinking that since you celebrate the holidays for no goddamn reason, that maybe I…"

I raise my brow, listening.

His eyes scan mine. "...Could celebrate with you and the boys."

"Why would you want to do that?" I ask him. "If there's no reason to celebrate the holidays anymore, then why do you want to have Christmas with us?"

He exhales, frustrated with my tone, no doubt. "Because I've got a reason to now, don't I?"

I stare, arching my brow just a little more.

"Look, maybe I don't see the point, but if it's something the kids like to do, then I'll join in," He says, "If you'll let me."

I look down in thought. I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if I even like the idea.

"We don't get to do a lot as a family," Negan adds, "We've just been seeing each other once a month for pickup and I think it'd be nice if we could have one day where we can actually be a family and all the complicated shit freezes its ass off in the cold outside."

I blink, picking up my gaze. His eyes are sincere enough.

"Pip, I know you're mad, but get over it," He tells me, "What's done is done. Let's put it behind us."

"Easy for you to say."

"Oh, please, this was nothing," Negan points his bat towards the window, "It's just inventory."

"We take our own inventory," I argue, "You know that, you've seen it."

"Yeah, well, I wanted a full inventory. That means everything."

"Is what your Saviors and your workers have in their cupboards inventory, too?"

"No, but I know everything that is and was in my inventory and I want to know the same fucking thing for Halycon."

"That's why I do the books."

"Yeah, but what you know and what I know could be two totally different things."

"I know you're an asshole."

He scoffs. "Yeah, I figured that one out a long time ago."

"So, it is a trust thing? You don't trust me."

"I have a full inventory of every other place I look out for and-"

"Oh, don't start that heroic crap again."

"And now I want full inventory of yours."

"Why?" I put my hands up. "Why now? Why didn't you just do it before?"

"Because you wouldn't allow it and I wanted you to take me back here, so I could see my son."

"Oh, so you had to lie, because I'm a manipulative bitch?"

"You are a manipulative bitch," He chuckles, "It's one of your best and most annoying qualities."

I don't share in the amusement. "You don't trust me."

His eyes search my face, but I feel as if he's really just searching for the right words. "You said so yourself; you'd do anything, whatever it takes, for those boys. Including underhandedly wedging a divide between the previous leader and the community."

"I-"

"You know what you did, Pippa," He cuts me off, "And I respect the hell out of you for doing it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna sit here and pretend like you wouldn't try to pull the wool over my eyes, even in the smallest of fucking ways."

My nostrils flare and my eyes are fiercely locked on him. "Well, get this through your thick skull; I'm not lying to you. I have never once lied to you since we started this whole fucking transaction. I've lost my cool, sure, and I've put up lip when I didn't like something. But I haven't lied to you about inventory, or anything else."

Negan eyes go searching again, but this time to test my integrity.

I huff, going over to fix the drawers those pricks left a mess. "And you want to have Christmas with us."

"Oh, come on, don't be petty."

"You forget who you knocked up."

"You know, it wouldn't hurt me," He says, "But I could think of someone else it could hurt. Maybe two."

I turn halfway. "Wow, talk about manipulative."

"We're the same, you and I."

"You forget who holds the power, here," I shove my top drawer shut, "And a sinking suspicion you're bluffing; you really want to come to Christmas and it would hurt you if I denied that to you."

"Maybe, but either way it would hurt Abel."

I shift away to adjust the other drawers.

"Pippa, you and I are going to see each other and work together no matter if you let me join in the festivities," He reminds me, "You can be mad at me for as long as you want, or you can be an adult, suck it up, and be civil."

"Again, easy for you to say."

"So, is that a no?"

I glance over my shoulder. "I don't think people will like you intruding."

"It's not an intrusion if I'm invited."

"I don't know, Negan," I shut the bottom drawer, "I'll...think about it. Right now, I've got other shit to worry about."

"You'll give me an answer before I leave."

"Is that a question or an order?"

"Whichever you want it to be."

I scoff, below my breath. "Are we done here?"

Before he answers, I go to the door and exit. The kids are still at the table eating their soup.

"Were you having sex?"

I look across the room at Abel. "What?"

"You and Dad closed the door," He says, "To have sex?"

"Uh, no," I scoff, "And, excuse me, but don't ask people that. It's rude."

"Sorry," Abel goes back to his soup, "I was just wondering."

"Well, mind your own business, please."

Negan moves around me. "Your mom's right. Don't be a nosy parker."

"Well, you said-"

"Shut your chili hole and listen to your mom."

"I'm not eating chili."

Negan chuckles. "Don't be a smartass."

I go back to the table and sit beside Abel. I look down at my empty bowl. "Did you eat my soup?"

"I was hungry and it was getting cold."

"Rude."

"It was getting cold!"

"Here."

I look up to Negan's offering hand.

"I'll get you another bowl and then myself a bowl, since you failed as a hostess to offer me any."

I know by his tone that he's trying to lighten the mood. I want to get up and insist on getting more soup myself, but I think of the kids and reluctantly hand him my bowl. He grins, taking it.

…

The Saviors take another thirty minutes before they come knocking on my door again to fetch Negan. The boys put on their jackets and walk with us to the front where the Saviors parked. Luckily, I don't have to talk much to Negan. Abel talks his ear off the whole walk there. Jolyon and I hang back, walking in mutual silence. It's almost too cold to talk out here. Like always, I get looks from all angles, but I deserve it and I know I'll have to answer for myself when the gates close on the Saviors driving off down the road.

Negan stops at the truck he came in. "Well this is where I leave you. For now."

"Are you gonna come to our house for Christmas?" Abel asks him.

"That would be up to your mom." He looks over at me and so does Abel.

I scowl at him, before briefly looking down at Abel. I nod curtly.

Negan smiles. "Guess I'll be home for Christmas."

"Yay!" Abel high-fives him. "We're gonna have so much fun."

Negan's smile grows mild. "Can't wait."

"You don't have to get us anything," Abel says, "You can just come."

"Well, I'm sure I can scrape something up, but thanks." He looks over at me. "What time should I arrive?"

I shrug, indifferent. "Whenever."

"Christmas day?"

I nod my head, sighing through my nose.

"What about Christmas eve?"

"What about it?"

"Isn't the best part for parents Christmas morning when the kids come running in, wanting to open their gifts?"

"You've seen one too many Christmas movies."

He stares at me.

I stifle an eye roll. I just want him to leave. "Just come around five Chisrtmas eve."

Negan's dimples show. "It's a date. A family date." He opens the door to the truck. Before I have time to open my mouth, he points. "Yeah, I heard it. It sounded creepy, but you fuckin' know what I mean."

The engine fires up and so does all the rest. Negan's arm hangs out the window. "'Til next time."

"Bye." Abel waves.

Negan winks at me, before they all leave. I wait for the gates to close before I take my eye off that fixed mark.

I turn around and everyone is looking at me. When I asked Negan to let it be me, I thought I was volunteering for a beating, or other painful punishment. I should have realized that Negan's a sharp thinker and can come up with something way worse than giving me a couple lashes in public. He agreed to let it be me. He agreed to let it be me that told the rest of Halcyon that the Saviors would be going through our homes afterall and we were to comply without argument.

It doesn't matter that the Saviors weren't going to find anything that could put us at risk. It was an invasion of privacy and I told them all it was going to happen. I didn't ask, I ordered and they obeyed because they respect me. At least they did until then.

"Jol, take Abel home."

"But I-"

"Now."

I watch as they walk off towards the house before I can address all who have stayed.

"I know you're all angry," I begin, "And you have every right to be. I know this debt we owe is taking its toll on everyone, trying patience, but I promise we'll be in the clear soon enough."

"What sort of debt means they can just go through our homes?" Jim asks. "We've made good on our payments, worked maintenance at Negan's factory. It seems like all they do is take and want more."

"And what about what happened yesterday?" Someone chimes in. "Those people are violent."

"We're violent," Connor shrugs his shoulders, "We've had our share, including with them, which is why we're in this mess."

"We've only ever done what's necessary," Another argues, "We're good people."

"I'm not saying we're not," Connor scoffs, "I'm just saying let's not call the kettle black."

"That redhead caused that fight. That other guy pointed a gun at Pippa!" Jim huffs at Connor. "What if he hadn't given her the chance to back off, huh? What if we would've shot her?"

"Alright, enough!" Martin speaks up. "Look, I know this shit isn't easy to deal with. We've spent the past two years with our heads in the clouds, thinking we were hot shit, because Pippa pushed us to go farther than we had been before she got here."

I look at him.

"But the bottom line is, we got cocky a few months back and now we've got to pay these people back. I've been there. I've worked with the Saviors and yeah, their assholes, but they'll work with us if we stop licking our fucking wounds and grow the hell up."

Martin looks over at me. "You may not like it, but it's a hell of a lot better than constantly looking over our shoulders for them." He nods towards me. "You can thank Pippa for that. She cut a deal that Negan doesn't normally make. And she stopped Pete and Paula from going through our homes long enough for us to go back to East Valley. She looks out for us. Always has."

"She let Negan search our homes," Walter reminds Martin, "She didn't take the same...measures for dealing with him that she did with the others."

"Because Negan is easier to reason with," I finally reenter the conversation, "I can get him to compromise. His lieutenant had an axe to grind with me for killing her men, she was never going to be level. Negan-"

"Is the father of your children," Walter says, "Or, your youngest boy that is."

I cock my brow. "Do you have an issue with that?"

"No, no," He calmly denies, "But I think I speak for a few more than myself when I say that it does raise some concern about whether it conflicts with our best interest."

My eyes move from Walter and fan out across the crowd. Faces in the crowd are a mix of discontentment and doubt."

I look back to Walter. "Negan and I were involved in the past, yes. But the only thing that keeps him close is the fact that he's Abel's father and I can negotiate that to our benefit."

"So, you and him aren't...involved now?"

"We were a fling in the past," I chuckle incredulously, "It was never serious. Like I said, if it wasn't for Abel, we'd have no leverage over him. He might have killed me months ago for what I did."

Lourdes is in the corner of my eye, but I don't look her way. I avoid Rav and Nanda as well. But my eyes do find Martin's, just for a moment.

"I know that my actions have seemed unlike myself, but everything I have done and will do is for Halcyon. There's no ends I wouldn't go to for you. We're keeping the Saviors close, or just close enough, because right now it behooves us to. I want to branch out, but if things don't work out after we've paid the debt off, well...take a trip to East Valley to figure it out what happens next"

The crowd stares at me for a good, long moment. It's unnerving, but I've always been good at keeping a straight face. One person starts to walk off and the rest all diffuse in seperate directions. My eyes fall back on Walt, who lingers before making his way back to his house.

I take a breath and then head for home, past those who stuck around because they believe in me perhaps more than they should.

…

The wind whirls around outside, picking up flakes of snow for a ride. The house is dark, except for an oil lamp at the table, where I strain my eyes looking over the books. The kids went to bed two hours ago. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to do the books now, instead of the morning like I had originally planned.

About halfway through, there's a light knock on the door. I look up and consider whether to open the door or not. A knock comes again, but I remain still. A shadowed figure appears at the window, cupping it's hand to look in. Martin and I immediately make eye contact.

"Let me in?" He says.

I get up with an exhale and open up. "What?"

"Can I come in?" He asks with a chill in his voice. "It's freezing out here."

I reluctantly let him in. "The kids have gone to bed, so be quiet."

"Shit." Martin curses under his breath as he shrugs off his jacket. He hangs it up on the coatrack. "I fucking hate the cold."

"If that's your way of asking for something warm to drink, it's not gonna work. The kettle's too loud."

"I wasn't asking, but thanks for shooting me down anyway," He rubs his hands together, "You doing the books?"

"Yep." I go back to the kitchen.

"Little late, isn't it?

"I couldn't sleep," I tell him, "I take it you couldn't either."

"It's only ten." He shrugs, coming over. "I don't knock out until eleven."

"Why so late?"

"It's eight hours if I wake up at seven."

I nod my head. "What brings you by?"

"I was walking back from Connor's, saw your light was on."

I hold my elbows. "Listen, about today. What you said?"

"It was nothin'."

"It wasn't nothing," I retort, "It was incredible and I don't know how to properly thank you."

"So, don't thank me."

"I have to. You stopped me from being...drawn and quartered out there."

He scoffs, leaning against the counter. "Don't be so dramatic."

"People are pissed and they have every right to be," I look over at him, "Every right to doubt me."

Martin meets my eyes.

"I let them down today," I furrow my brows, "I...I tried to keep the Saviors out of our homes, but I couldn't. It was that, or…"

"Or what?"

I look down at my hands. "Negan punishes the leader by striking their people."

Martin nods a little. "To beat a dog before a lion."

"Stop referring to my redirect team as dogs."

"It's a saying." He snickers.

I stare across the dark room. "I let them think I slept with him for diplomacy."

Martin glances my way.

"Part of me wonders if there's not a bit of truth to that."

"Hey," He nudges me, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself."

"I'm not feeling sorry for myself!"

"Yeah, you are," He scoffs at me, "Yeah, today was not a good day for Pippa Barnes, but it's your own damn fault, so go to bed and get up tomorrow and have a better day. Now's not the time to mope like a dope."

"You're an asshole."

"You're a one person pity party."

"Excuse me, I just had a crowd of my own people look at me like they made a mistake in me."

"So, remind them that they didn't," Martin shrugs, "Don't pout. It doesn't become you."

I roll my eyes. "Goodnight, Martin."

"Night." He walks over to the door.

I follow, frustrated. "Asshole."

"Pardon me?" He turns, putting on his jacket. "Did I just hear you call the one person who stuck up for you an asshole?"

"Yep," I say, "I didn't ask you to do that. In fact, don't do it again."

"Is this how you thank me?"

"No, this is how." I grab him by his jacket and he pauses. I stare into his eyes for a long moment, before I fix the collar. "There. It was sticking up. You looked like a damn vampire."

"Thanks."

"My pleasure."

I go to open the door, but Martin's hand stops me and the next thing I know is Martin's lips gently on mine. Our lips part and I look up at him. He kisses me again and I'm aware of what the five o'clock shadow on his face feels like in my hand. When we part again it is further than before.

Martin's hand touches the back of his head, as if wondering what got over him. I ask myself that question.

"Um…"

"Goodnight." I open the door.

His eyes furrow at mine.

"You should go home," I tell him, "Go to bed, get some rest. It's been a long day."

He looks at me, before nodding his head. He exhales. "Yeah, they left my house a damn mess."

He shuts the door behind, considerate of the boys. I wait by the door for a moment, I don't know what for.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you're all staying safe :)**


	25. Chapter 25

It's finally what we here at Halcyon call "winter solstice" which is the week where we celebrate whichever holiday we celebrated back before the world changed together. The whole week is spent in celebration in the form of gift-giving, cooking deliciously fattening meals, even sweeter baked goods, playing music, games, drinking spirits, and laughing in front of a crackling fire. The whole enchilada of what you'd expect during this time.

I'm happy to report that no one's let the whole upset over the Saviors going through our homes last week get in the way of their fun, which is all I can ask for. I've been given some gifts throughout the week, which is typical, except I was expecting to be on the naughty list this year after inviting the Saviors into our community. It's nice to know that despite people being angry with me, they don't resent me just yet.

Abel has been absolutely ecstatic. Both my kids like the holidays, but Abel's still at that age where everything is almost magical to him. That and he's excited over the fact that his dad will finally get to spend Christmas with us after years of me promising that it would happen one day.

Jolyon hasn't expressed anymore excitement than usual. I swear sometimes he thinks he's a teenager.

"Are you done yet?"

"Almost."

"You've been taking hours."

"I have not." I stab my sewing needle through another piece of popcorn.

"She keeps poking her fingers." Lourdes chuckles.

"You wanna do it?" I arch my brow. "Finish the tree."

"Can't do that without the garland."

"That goes on last."

"Come on, Mom," Abel says, "We finished ours this morning."

"Hey, yours is made of paper and glue."

"So?"

"So, mine takes longer and I have an itchy, peeling hand, thank you." I cut the string with my teeth. "Alright, there." I hold up the graland laced with popcorn and little wooden beads I pulled from Abel's old bead maze. Lourdes and I drape the garland around the small tree decorated with little ornaments we made out of gingerbread and little trinkets.

"Jol, can you get the door?" Lourdes asks after a knock.

"Maybe it's Dad." Abel speculates.

"Dad's not coming until tomorrow." I remind him.

"Wow." Nanda looks over at the tree. "Two types of garland."

"Isn't it pretty?" Abel smiles, not picking up on the sarcasm.

"It's certainly something," Nanda retorts, "Where's the tinsel?"

"What do you need?"

"Abel asked me to wrap this for him," She shows us the brown paper package under her arm, "I was just bringing it over."

"Thank you." Abel takes it from her and brings it over to the tree.

"What's that?"

"It's a present." He tucks it under the tree.

"For who?"

"For you and Lourdes to share."

"It's a scarf." Lourdes guesses confidently. "That, or a pair of mittens."

"No, it's not!"

"Socks?" Lourdes teases. "What else would we share?"

"Stop trying to ruin the surprise, Lourdes."

"Oh, okay." She chuckles.

"Thanks." I tell Nanda. "You and Rav coming over for dinner?"

"On Christmas Eve?" She makes a face. "Is that okay with your dude?"

"He is not my dude," I give her a look, "And try not to fumble your words around him, okay? It's embarrassing."

She flips me off before leaving.

"I can't believe she had a crush on him." Lourdes fixes an ornament that's sliding off the branch it was placed on.

I raise my brow at her. "Need I remind you that-"

"You don't, because it was different," She cuts me off, "I was an adult, not a student."

"Ookay." I look over the tree. "It does look a little overkill with two gralands."

"I like it." Abel comments.

"Well, I guess that's all that matters," I go back to the coffee table to clean up my mess, "Guess no one from Better Homes is coming any time soon."

"What time is it?"

"Quarter to four, why?"

"Oh, I got invited over for cornbread and chili later."

"Oh, who with?"

"Connor."

"K-i-s-s-i-n-g!" Abel teases her.

"Spell 'kissing', Abel."

"I don't know how." He says, unaware that his song was doing just that.

"Then shut your chili hole." Lourdes runs her hand over his head.

"You think we'd be imposing, if we came along?"

"Yes," She tells me, "So, don't ask."

"Aw, but I love chili and cornbread."

"So, make your own."

"I made a lasagna for tonight."

"So, eat it tomorrow and make chili for tonight instead."

"No, I'm too lazy to make a second dinner," I exhale, "I can always make it tomorrow, I guess."

"Hope you dude likes your chili."

"Stop."

"What? You make it hot," Lourdes sits on the couch, "A lot of people can't handle the heat."

"You know what I'm referring to," I glance over the tree again, "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't rib me for that anymore."

"I wasn't," Her arm dangles over the arm of the couch, "Is calling Negan your dude a joke?"

"It feels like it."

She looks up at me. "Why?"

I twist my mouth, still looking at the tree for any imperfections. From the window, I catch a glimpse of Martin. He's talking to Nanda in the middle of the street.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Hm?" I turn immediately from the window.

"Is Dad gonna spend the night tomorrow?" Abel asks me as he's swept in by Lourdes' arm.

"He's gonna stay the night."

"Cool."

Lourdes smiles very softly. "Are you excited?"

"Yeah," Abel says to her, "I never had Christmas with my dad before."

"Hm, well, you might want to make him sleep outside," Lourdes snickers, "Otherwise Santa's gonna fly right over this house."

"There's no Santa Clause, Lourdes."

She leans over and kisses his cheek.

"What are we getting him for Christmas, Mom?"

"A warm place to stay the night," I answer him, walking away from the tree by the window, "So, our generosity."

"That's not a good present."

"It was good enough for Mary and Joseph." I dryly murmur.

"We have to get him something."

"Trust me, the gift of hospitality is more kindness than your father deserves."

"Mom." Jolyon calls with a faint, sharp tone.

I look over at him and then Abel, whose eyes have grown into saucers. Lourdes gives me a condescending look. I sigh, touching Abel's head. "I'm sorry, Abel. I was only kidding."

"We have to get him something." He rasps.

"Um, okay, but Christmas eve is tomorrow, so that doesn't give us a lot of time to think it over."

"I know what we can get him," Jolyon gets up from his bed, "Come on, Abel."

"Where are you going?"

"To go get something for Negan."

"I meant details."

"I don't know," He shrugs on his jacket, "To look around."

"I thought you said you knew what to get him."

"Come on." Jolyon opens the front door, helping Abel put on his mittens before they leave. "We'll be back later."

"Before dark!" I call as he shuts the door.

"That was a little rude, Pip."

I look at Lourdes. "I was joking," I scoff.

"I know, but your tone was kind of biting."

"I have a biting sense of humor."

"You sounded like a bitter divorcée making a dig at your ex-husband."

"I said I was sorry. Good lord!"

"If you didn't want Negan to spend Christmas with us, then why didn't you say so?"

"Because he asked to spend it with the boys," I scoff again, "How could I say no?"

She shrugs so nonchalantly that I want to kick her out. "No sé."

Someone knocks on my door. "It's open!"

The door opens and Martin enters the house. I tuck some hair behind my ear, nervously off guard. "Oh, hey."

"Hey," He says before nodding to Lourdes, "Got a favor to ask you."

"Shoot."

"I got Ravinder for the secret gift exchange," He explains, "And I'm kind of on the fence about what to get her."

"Oh."

"I figured since you two have known her the longest, you'd have some clues."

"She likes plants," Lourdes answers with a shrug facial expression, "I mean, she spends all her time studying them."

"For medicinal purposes," I huff, humored, "She's studying to become a doctor."

"Get her an aloe vera plant."

"You mean the ones they've got in the garden behind the hospital?"

Lourdes gives a shrug. "Rav likes nerdy things. You know; plants, bugs, animals, books...she likes baking. Maybe you could get her an apron or something."

"Don't give her an apron," I roll my eyes, "She'll think it's sexist, but she'll be too nice to say so."

"Okay, expert, what would you get her?" Martin asks.

I think for a minute. "She's been reading a lot of theory and old Russian lit."

"So, a book?"

"Sure, but Rav's probably read most of whatever's here."

"So, no book."

"Not unless you can find something new and interesting."

"Well, what would you want if someone got you a gift?"

"What I would what and what Ravinder would want are different things," I shrug, "We're two different people."

"Okay then, what do you recommend I get someone when I don't know what to get them?"

"You're honestly telling us that you don't know Ravinder that well?" Lourdes chuckles.

"I do, but she's...you know, a kid."

"She is not."

"Are you gonna help me or not?"

"I think you should just do something nice," I tell him, "As long as you put thought into it, she'll like it."

"You think?"

"I _know_." I say rather confidently.

He smiles a little from the corner of his mouth. "Alright, thanks."

"Sure."

"Later."

"Bye."

"Bye." Lourdes greets.

"Bye, Lour." Martin shuts the door behind him.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Lourdes quietly sings.

"What?"

"You really think he came here about Rav?"

"Yes…"

"He literally just asked you what you would want," Lourdes scoffs, "He played an old trick on you."

"Tch, he did not," I tinker with the tree nervously, "He was just asking about Ravinder."

"Oh, please."

"This isn't one of those cheesy ass Hallmark movies you used to like."

"Or maybe it is." She teases, softly smacking my hand off the tree. "Leave it; it looks great."

I walk to the kitchen, grumpy. "What about you? You and Connor are having a romantic dinner tonight."

"Chili is hardly romantic." Lourdes sits back down on the couch, "And we're not like that."

"Please." I roll my eyes in serious doubt as I get some water.

"I think you'd make a cute couple," She prattles on, inspecting her nails, "Even cuter kids."

I guffaw. "Yeah, right."

"You're only thirty-six; you could still have more."

"With Martin?" I raise my brow as I have a seat. "Did you forget about Negan?"

"No," She shrugs nonchalantly, "I just think that this long distance thing isn't working for you two."

I don't say anything. I just look off as I drink some of my water.

"See, you're not denying it," She points out, "And I can see how miserable it makes you everytime he comes around."

"That's because of the situation, not Negan." I half-lie.

"Okay, well, I would be glad if things could work with Negan, but I think that Martin is the better choice."

"Why, because he's here?"

"No, because he's not married to six other broads who he won't divorce," Lourdes counters, "And because you and him have feelings for each other that is basically undeniable."

"You only say that because you know we had sex. Once."

"And because I'm your friend, I've known you for years, and I can tell when you're happy and when you're not."

"I am happy."

"Are you?" She questions. "With Negan? Because it seems like-"

"I've got to wrap gifts, Lourdes, so if you don't mind..."

She looks me over before getting up. "I've got to shower before dinner anyway. See ya later."

"Yeah." I dryly reply as she walks out the door, leaving me alone.

…

The next day comes and the volume on my nerves is all the way up and the dial has broken off. Luckily, baking a bunch of cookies gives me plenty of opportunities to roll off some steam. Literally; I've been running over this cookie dough with my rolling pin like I'm mad at it.

"Mom, are you gonna make that sticky bread stuff?"

"Don't I always?"

"Yes, just checking."

"Just checking?" I sweep some flour from my forehead. "You are too cute, kid."

"When is Dad gonna get here?" Abel asks for the billionth time.

"What time is it now?"

"Um…I don't know," He shrugs, "I forgot which hand means what."

"Well, you just be proud that you know how to tell time two years ahead of schedule, pal."

"I can't tell time, if I forget the hands, Mom."

I chuckle, putting down the rolling pin in exchange for the cookie cutter. "You know how, you just have to remember the hands." I look over at the clock. "The little hand points to the hour and the big hand counts the minutes. So, what time is it?"

"Um…" Abel uses his hand to point, as if counting. "The little hand is on the four and the big hand is also on the four."

"So, it's four-twenty," I say, "You're dad will be here in less than an hour."

"Cool."

"Finish decorating those cookies."

"Mom, is Lourdes and the Patels coming over for dinner?"

"Yes, why?"

"Just asking."

I look at Jolyon for a moment. "Negan coming doesn't change our plans." He nods as he decorates with Abel. "We've always spent the holidays with them."

"Yeah, because we were on the road with them."

"That doesn't change things," I tell him, "We're family."

"Will we ever find Jol's dad, Mom?" Abel asks.

I stop what I'm doing. I look over. "What?"

"You said Jolyon has a different dad than me," He innocently reminds me, "Are we gonna find him, too, so he can be part of our family?"

My eyes move to Jolyon whose eyes are down at the table. "Um, well, Jol's dad lived far from here, so we'd have to figure out how-"

"My dad's dead."

The silence is as thick as the dough I'm cutting into cookies.

"He is?" Abel inquires. "How do you know?"

"Because I just do." Jolyon gets up from the table. "I have to go to Gemma and Kirk's. They said Negan's gift would be ready by now."

"Wait, I'll come with you."

"No, it's okay," He says, putting on his jacket, "I can go by myself."

I set down the cookie cutter as he leaves, then I pull of my apron and try my best to hastily dust myself off. "Get you coat on."

"What about the cookies?"

"Shit." I forgot about the batch in the oven. "Uh, they've got fifteen more minutes."

"I don't want to go outside."

"Then stay right there," I go to the coat rack, "But don't go near the oven, understand?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I leave the house and right as I'm about to walk after Jolyon, I spot Connor. I whistle sharply and he takes notice, so I wave him over.

"What?" He exhales, sulkier than usual.

"Can you watch Abel for a minute? I've got to go talk to Jolyon."

"Is there a babysitting fee?"

"I'm baking cookies, you can have some of the ones that are ready."

"You got it, boss lady."

"Thanks." I pat his shoulder as I head after Jolyon. I tread quickly, trying not to run, but wanting to. "Jol! Jol, wait up!"

He turns when he hears me and stops. "I said I could go by myself."

"I know, but I wanted to see what you had Gemma and Kirk make Negan since you were so bent on keeping it a secret."

"Abel didn't blab?"

"No." I walk with him as he continues to head towards the potterers' shop. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm just getting Negan's gift."

I put my arm around him and bring him close as we walk.

"Mom," He groans, "I said I'm fine."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know what you're doing."

"Sneaking a peek at Negan's _super_ secret gift?"

"I never said it was super secret; I said you'd have to wait."

"You take me for a rat?" I tease him. "I'd tell Negan just like that?" I snap my fingers.

"You can go home now; I know you just want to talk about Dad and I said I'm fine."

I stop us and have him face me. "Why did you say your dad was dead?"

"Because it's true."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he is," Jolyon says, "The last time he talked to me on the phone, before we lost contact, he told me he would find a way to make it here. That we'd see each other again."

"He did?" I furrow my brows. This is the first time I'm hearing of this.

"Yeah," Jolyon exhales, "But…" He looks off to keep from crying.

"But what?"

"It's a long way from Texas," He says, "If he did try, he's probably dead and if not, he's still probably dead. Over three-fourths of the world was killed."

"That doesn't mean anything." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Look at us and look at Negan. Look at everyone here and every one at the Sanctuary."

He shrugs. "We all got lucky."

"Luck has nothing to do with it."

"If luck has nothing to do with it than everything else we've done does," Jolyon says, "And Dad isn't like us."

I touch his cheek. "Your dad is out there somewhere, Jolyon."

"Okay." He replies shallowly.

"I mean it," I tilt his chin up, "Look at me; Eugene was one of the smartest, most resourceful people I knew and there isn't a doubt in my mind that he figured out how to survive. The road is long, that's true, but he'll make it here."

"What if he died trying?" Jolyon says, eyes glossy.

I exhale through my nose. "Then he died on his way to you, which means that he loved you."

He swallows. "That makes me feel guilty."

"Don't feel guilt, Jolyon. Feel his love, because it's there. He was a good father to you and he loved no one else than you."

He lowers his head, nodding. I put my arm around him again.

"You has Gemma make Negan a vase, right?"

"No." He sniffs, chuckling a little as we walk.

"A pencil holder?"

"Stop trying to guess."

"A mug?"

"Mom!" He laughs into the cold air.

I chuckle, too. We walk to the potterer's shop. Jolyon insists I stay out of sight of what he came to retrieve, so I do. I see Martin across the street, smoking a cigarette outside his house. I wave when he notices me and he waves back.

The faint sound of engines lowers my already meek smile. I peer down the road toward the main entrance. He's early and it sounds like he brought company.

"Okay, got it." Jolyon says, shielding the gift inside his jacket.

"It looks like Negan's here, so you better run home and wrap it real quick."

"Okay." Jolyon sets on for home while I head to meet Negan.

By time I get there, I spot three vehicles, one of which was driven by the Savior leader himself.

"Happy fuckin' holidays!" He cheers, with a smart alecky inflection. God, he's so annoying. This must be the Negan Lucille had to deal with.

"You're early."

"And a merry Christmas to you, too."

"Do you only have that one outfit?"

"Do you only have that one smokin' hot bod?"

"Not cute." I retort, looking over at the Saviors he brought with him. "I thought you were coming alone."

"I never said that."

"I figured it was implied."

"Nope," He grins, "You look pretty today."

I roll my eyes. I've got flour all over me and my bruises from my fight with Paula haven't completely healed. "Why did you bring them?"

"Because I don't travel alone," He says, "You mean to say that you do?"

"I have."

"Well, I guess you're braver than me," He wags his head, "I brought your people a little present as thanks for having us."

He moves to the side, so that I can see the Saviors unloaded crates of alcohol from the van that came with them.

"Alcohol?"

"Good times call for good booze."

"I'm an alcoholic, asshole."

"It's not for you," He scratches his head, "I got you something else."

"I hope it comes with a gift receipt."

"I don't think you're gonna wanna return it."

"If it's what I think it is, then I don't think I'm gonna be satisfied."

"It's never disappointed before," He quips, "I'm joking, I got you and the boys something. A real gift."

"I'm glad you admit your dick's no prize."

"Careful now," He leans close, "People will think we're involved if you keep talking dirty like this."

I roll my eyes at him. "The kids are at home wrapping your present."

"Aw, you didn't have to get me anything."

"I didn't, they did." I retort, "Now make sure your people mind themselves."

"Don't worry, I already gave them the talk before we left," He assures me, "They'll be on their best behavior. Tis' the season, right?"

I stare dryly at him, before my eye catches some of his men unloading long metal poles. "What are those?"

Negan turns. "Oh, that's my gift to the kids."

"Bars?"

"It's a bunk bed, genius," He snickers, "I had an extra one lying around. Figured since they liked the one at the Sanctuary so much, they'd like one at home, too."

"Or you brought it, so Abel would have somewhere else to sleep tonight."

"The kid needs his own bed and you know it."

I roll my eyes again. "Yeah, I suppose."

"You're welcome."

"It's not for me."

"No, but you now have your bed all to yourself because of me."

"Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back," I say to him, "Let's go."

"Hope you enjoy our festivities." Negan and I look over at Walter smiling over at us. "I saw to it that extra accommodations were made for your men's arrival. Assuming of course that you would bring them along."

"Well, how diplomatic of you," Negan replies, somewhat sarcastic, "Good looking out, Walt. You could teach Pip here a thing or two about hospitality even if you are, _were_ , a shitty leader."

Walt's smile grows, possibly concealing the contempt of being called "shitty." He politely nods. "It was my pleasure."

"That was good of you." I thank him with an icy stare which he responds with a smile.

Negan and I walk on to the house. "Sweet guy."

"He's kissing your ass."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because he doesn't like me for taking over."

"So, he's trying to get in good with your old man?" Negan chuckles at me. "Seems a little strange, although he does give me creepy vibes." He raises his hand. "Feliz Navidad, Lour."

She rolls her eyes; a common habit when you know Negan. I wave her over and Cleo runs over in response. Lourdes holds up a finger, before going into her house.

When we get up to the house, I stop Negan from entering. "Hold on." I go in alone. "Is everything clear?"

"What?"

"Did you wrap the gift?"

"Oh, yeeah." Jolon holds up a crumpled brown paper with tape wrapped all over it and a twine bow.

"You needed tape and string?"

"The string was supposed to make it look nice." Abel says.

I exhale. "Okay, put it under the tree."

"Is Dad here?"

I open the door to let Negan in.

"Jesus, you left me to freeze my nuts off out here."

"Dad!" Abel runs over and hugs Negan.

"Hey, kiddo," Negan puts his arm around him, "Careful, your mom left me out there, so now I've got icicles hanging off me."

"Don't be such a baby," I scoff, "You were outside for thirty seconds. Besides, it's pretty warm out there today."

"Bullshit, there's snow on the ground."

"It's more like sleet."

Negan scoffs before taking a gander at our tree. "Wow, you guys really said there's no such thing as too many decorations, huh?"

"Shut up."

"Be nice, Mom."

"Alright, alright." I walk to the kitchen. "Finish your cookie decorating."

"Connor ate a lot of cookies while you were gone." Abel tattles.

"Shit, I can't see that." I huff, looking at the near empty plate of chocolate chip cookies.

"Your kitchen is a goddamn mess."

"I've been baking all day," I defend my messy kitchen, "It's a Barnes family tradition to bake cookies on Christmas Eve." The timer goes off for the cookies in the oven.

"Come on, Dad, you can help decorate these sugar cookies."

"Wow, I can tell the art program's been cut around here."

"I'm four."

Negan laughs. "Fair point." He comes over to where I've been baking. "I know you're miss independent, but you want some help?"

"You can help the kids decorate."

"Oh, come on," He begs quietly, "I'm a grown man."

"Could've fooled me," I smirk at his boyish scowl, "Oh come on; you're too big, bad and tough to decorate cookies with your kids?"

"Toss me an apron, I'll crack some eggs, or roll out the dough."

"Go put some frosting on a tree-shaped cookie." I nudge him when he exhales. "Do it for me. I like it when you're confident enough in your masculinity to dust sprinkles on a cookie with our kids."

"Don't be a tease."

"Oh, where's the fun in being nice?" I snicker up at him. "Come on, it's a turn on. Besides, you said you wanted to celebrate with the kids and this is what kids do."

He rolls his eyes. "Fine."

I watch as he goes to the table and sits beside our son.

"Alright, pass me a cookie."

"Which one," Abel asks, "We have trees, stars, stockings, and candy canes."

"Doesn't matter," Negan says, "Pass me a candy cane."

After I put the last batch of sugar cookies in the oven and slide the snickerdoodles onto a plate, I start dinner which I decided was chili and cornbread after all. Listening to the chatter between Negan and Abel, and Jol, once he's warmed up is honestly really cute. Leave it to Negan to make a competition out of cookie decorating.

…

We eat dinner at seven. Negan had the boys clear off the table and set it since the Patels and Lourdes confirmed they were showing up, despite Negan being here. I made him swear to be on his best behavior and not to embarrass me.

I wish I could say that the first few minutes of dinner weren't uncomfortably quiet, but I guess the girls don't really know what to say to their old gym coach. Lourdes has been pretty silent, too, which I'm not sure why; Negan doesn't intimidate her. Her eyes have been downcast most of the meal. And the kids are quiet because everyone else is being quiet.

I finally clear my throat. "So, Rav, did you get any gifts yet?"

She looks over, puzzled, before her brows exclaim. "Oh, yeah, Martin made me this wooden tool box thingy."

"A wooden tool box?"

"It looks like that thing." Nanda nods to the wooden box on the coffee table. It's got a handle and the kids use it as a holder for crayons and pencils and such.

"Oh, that was...thoughtful."

"Yeah, I can take some of my gardening tools when I go to look for plants," Rav says excitedly, "And the spaces are big enough for me to temporarily pot plants in to bring back to Halcyon."

I nod. "So, you like it."

"Yeah, it's really cool."

I nod again. Good job, Martin.

"You still bad at running?" Negan asks Ravinder.

Ravinder looks at him. "Uh...no."

"Good, 'cause you were always one of the last stragglers on mile day."

"I always made the minimum required time to pass." Ravider mumbles.

I look at Negan sharply. He clears his throat. "So, no boyfriends you two? Or girlfriends?"

The Patel's both grow rosy-cheeked. I kick him under the table. "Abel, stop feeding the dog scraps and eat your chili."

"I am."

"No, you're dipping your cornbread, but I haven't seen you pick up that spoon yet."

"It's too spicy."

"Whatever."

"You think everything is too spicy." Nanda laughs.

"That's because all of you make food too spicy."

We laugh at him. "Don't be such a wimp."

"Hey!" He cackles. "I'm not a wimp!"

Our laughter settles and it's quiet again.

"Who'd you get for the gift exchange?"

"Oh, I didn't participate this year," I tell Ravinder, "I've been so busy, I didn't want to be responsible for getting a gift for someone and not being able to put effort into it."

"That and you probably were afraid no one would get you a gift if they got you."

"Shut up." I roll my eyes at Nanda and she chuckles more. "Who'd you get?"

"Lisa."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I got her and the baby some stuff."

"That was nice of you."

"Well, that's the whole thing about the exchange, right? Plus, she's been having a hard time lately because it's Alice's first Christmas and Graham, well, you know."

"Right." I poke around my chili.

"You guys actually did a Secret Santa?" Negan scoffs, humored.

We all look over. "The Saviors don't celebrate the holidays," I inform the rest, "At least not as a community."

"Why not?" Abel asks his dad, before his dad can come back with a reply.

"We just don't." Negan tells him. "Not for any reason in particular; people just don't celebrate shit nowadays."

"That's sad."

"I guess, but it is what it is."

"So, there's, like, no celebrations at all?" Nanda inquires curiously.

"Last time there was any type of celebration was when I married my sixth wife," Negan takes a drink from the scotch he brought with him to the house, "Everyone got free dinner that night."

"How generous." I wrly say, staring at the glass in his hand. I feel like a fiend; I can smell the alcohol. "Ow!"

"Whoops, sorry." Negan says, spooning chili into his mouth.

I rub my ankle where he kicked me. It was a light kick, but it still hurt. "Asshole."

"It was an accident." He smiles.

"Yeah." I huff. My eyes move to Lourdes across from me. She hasn't said anything this entire time, or even looked up from her dinner for that matter. "Did you find a hair in your chili? Lourdes?"

She snaps her head up. "Huh?"

"Pippa asked you an inappropriate dinner question." Negan tells her.

"Oh, what?"

"It was a joke," I sneer at Negan before looking at her, "You okay? You haven't touched your chili."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," She brushes me off, "I had chili for dinner last night, so I guess I'm not in the mood for it now."

I nod my head. She's definitely bothered by something and it's not Negan.

"If Lourdes doesn't have to eat her chili, why do I have to?"

"Because I didn't give birth to Lourdes."

Abel pouts, dipping a piece of his cornbread into the chili.

"That's a pretty cool bed you got there." Ravinder glances over at the bunk bed Negan assembled shortly after he arrived.

He was going to make his guys do it, but I insisted he do it. Well, actually, I said the both of us should do it, but the hotshot thought he could do it himself. Jolyon ended up helping him with some of it. He might have asked me, if I hadn't been egging him on the whole time I watched. Once it was built, two hours later, Abel was in awe. Jolyon liked it, too, especially since he knew he was gonna get top bunk.

"Yeah, Dad got it for us for Christmas."

"Cool." Ravinder nods, before looking to Jolyon. "Did you finish reading _Order of the Phoenix_?"

"No."

"Dude, it's been two weeks."

"So?"

"So, I'm rereading the series again and I'm almost done with _Goblet of Fire_."

"Not everyone reads three hundred words per minute, Rav." Nanda rolls her eyes.

"Three hundred is the average," Ravinder says, "I read seven hundred words per minute."

"My, oh, my." Nandan gasps mockingly.

"Shut up."

"Make me."

Ravinder looks Negan's way. "My sister used to have a huge crush on you."

"Ravinder!" Nanda gasps, this time embarrassed. She looks over at Negan, flushed. "That was a long time ago."

"Jolyon got an A on his spelling test." I blurt out, trying to spare her the humiliation. "He, uh, got all the answers right."

Negan's brow is raised at me. "Awesome job, Jol." He then looks at Nanda. A smile breaks. "And don't be embarrassed, Patel; a lot of my students had the hots for me."

Nanda looks mortified. I give him a look. Can he pick up on cues, or does he just ignore them?

"If it makes you feel any better, I would have never fooled around with any of my students. I'm not a creepy asshole."

Again, I look at him. This is what Lucille must have felt when she took him places; I'm sure of it.

"Like I said, it was a long time ago," Nanda looks down at her bowl, "It's irrelevant."

"Jesus, can we get through one meal without arguing?" Lourdes snaps.

"No." Abel mildly answers, which makes Negan start to chuckle. I glare at him and he shuts up.

Nanda keeps her eyes down for the rest of the meal. I'm empathize with her. It's got to be terrifying to have your old gym teacher know you had a crush on him, even if that was years ago. I'm just thankful that Negan didn't give her too hard a time for it.

Ravinder clears her throat, aware and regretful that she embarrassed her sister. "So, Lourdes did you get anything from you-know-who?"

"Why would I get anything from…" She glances briefly over at Negan's curiosity, "That person?"

"Because he's like your unofficial boyfriend."

"He is not."

"That's not what-"

"I don't give a shit what people say, Ravinder!" Lourdes erupts. "Him and I are just friends. That's it." She sets her spoon down in her bowl and gets up. "Thanks for dinner."

"Where are you going?"

"Home." Lourdes puts on her coat. She whistles for Cleo, who stops begging at the table and trots to the door.

"Are you gonna come over tomorrow?" Abel asks her.

"No sé, pero we'll see." She opens the door and leaves.

"So, anyone wanna dish who the guy is?" Negan says after she's left.

I exhale, before picking myself up. "No."

"Where the hell you goin'?"

"I'm gonna go see what's eating her."

"He's just a friend, weren't you listening?"

"No one talk to Negan until I get back."

I huff out of the house, following the path in the powdery snow that Lourdes made all the way up to her door. I knock on her door, which makes Cleo bark.

"Go away."

"Open up."

"Piss off!"

"You know I'll break in!" I call out to her. One of the windows in the front of Lourdes' house has a finicky lock that won't hold if you jimmy it just right. "No? Alright, I'm coming in!"

Lourdes' front door flies open as I move for the window. "Get in here!"

I go inside, ignoring Lourdes' grumbling as I pass her. "It's cold in here."

"Then go back to your house."

"Are you okay?" I ask her, petting Cleo. "You've been quiet all day and if you're not quiet, then you're snapping at people."

"Am not." She rolls her eyes.

"I saw you yell at Vera today."

"I didn't yell at Vera," Lourdes argues, "She left one of the trucks out without a cover and I was just telling her that it could rust."

I arch my brow. "You know how you said you know me better than anyone else?"

Lourdes huffs, not looking at me.

"Well, the same goes for me knowing you better than anyone, so stop pretending like something isn't up because I'm not buying it."

"Go home, Pippa."

"Is it about Connor?" I inquire. "I know you went over to his house last night. Did something happen?"

"No." She stubbornly claims.

"Lour." I press with a firm, but gentle tone.

She shrugs. "He just...made me uncomfortable. That's all."

I knit my brows. "Uncomfortable? What do you mean?"

The way she keeps her eyes avert from mine worries me. Lourdes does that when something's wrong to keep from crying, which she knows she'll do if she looks me in the eye.

"Lourdes," I beseech, concerned, "What happened?"

She swallows before shaking her head. "He got me two bottles of nail polish."

"Oh…that was nice."

Most of the nail polish you find nowadays has been long dried up, but we've got a lady here who used to make nail polish as a side hustle. From what I hear, it's not an easy process and she only has two containers of base, so she doesn't do it often which makes it a hot commodity and a nicer gesture than it would have been in the past. Connor must have had to trade an arm and a leg to get her to make _two_ bottles.

"We were having a nice, pleasant meal," Lourdes goes on, becoming upset, "And then he…"

"He?"

She exhales, dropping her arms to her side. "He thinks we should get together."

"Oh, you mean like a relationship?"

"Yes," She scoffs. "He said that he really likes me and likes being with me and around me." She sighs as if it's so overwhelming to say all that in one breath. "He said he cares about me and that he's had feelings for me a long time."

I can't help but smile a little in relief. "Is that all?"

" _Is that all?_ " Lourdes looks me over. "What do you mean _is that all?"_

"I thought maybe something happened."

"Something did happen, dummy! Connor wants me to commit."

"What's so wrong with that?" I cackle. "You like him, don't you?"

"Yes, but I don't think he's committed relationship material."

"Why not?"

"Because...I don't know, he argues with me."

"So?"

"So, I don't like being argued with."

"Are the arguments bad?"

"No, just, you know." She shrugs her shoulders. "He's a straight shooter."

Now, I look her over, puzzled. "So, you don't think it would work out because he isn't afraid to sass you back?"

She raises her brows in snotty confirmation.

I scoff. "You're such a liar; you like guys who challenge you."

"Do not."

"Oh, so you're telling me you'd rather date a guy who you could walk all over?" I chuckle. "Please."

"What?" Lourdes shrugs. "Maybe years of bad relationships have put me off guys with backbones. If you haven't noticed; I haven't exactly partnered up with anyone since Simon."

"Lour, the problem with Simon wasn't that he had a backbone against you, it's that he was a manipulative user who didn't respect you, _and_ cheated on you."

Cleo barks up at us, wagging her tail as she sits.

"See? Cleo agrees with me." I pet her. "I think you're guarded because of what happened with Simon, but Connor is nothing like him. He really does care for you." I observe her stubborn body language. "I think you like him, too. You're just scared of getting hurt again."

"I just don't know that I'm ready to be in a relationship right now." She says, looking off again.

I nod my head before sighing. "Okay. I can't tell you what to do. And at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite; don't let past assholes have that much power over your future."

She nods, sniffing. "Yeah."

I smile faintly. "You should come back and eat."

Lourdes huffs. "Yeah, no thanks. That was fucking awkward as hell."

"You think I should have let the Patels skip coming over?"

"Uh, yeah," She says as if it's obvious, "No one wants to dine with their old teacher who's sleeping with one of their moms."

"I thought we weren't their parents."

"We kinda are, you just don't respect that they're adults who don't always need or want you henning over them."

We both laugh. "God, this dinner is awkward."

"Big time."

I sigh. "I guess I should get back."

"I'll drop in tomorrow," Lourdes lets me know, "I just wanna sit here with my dog alone for the night."

"Okay." I smile at her.

"What?"

I put my arms out. "Bring it in."

She rolls her eyes as she approaches me. She very briefly hugs me. "Feliz Navidad. Now, go; save the Patels from having to eat with that motor mouth."

As I exit the house to go home, I notice a man walking in a stroll-like daze. I only stop when I recognize who it is smoking and sight-seeing as he comes up the road.

"Hey, Dwight."

He looks over, bringing his cigarette away from his lips. "Oh, hey."

"I didn't know you came."

"Uh, yeah, I wasn't supposed to originally, but Negan wanted me to come along to keep the Saviors in line."

"Because he can't do it himself?"

"Not when he's taking a holiday, I guess."

I watch as he takes another drag from his cigarette. "They listen to you?"

He shrugs. "I am a leiutanent."

"And you have a knack for reasoning with hot heads."

Dwight looks at me, bewildered by what I said.

I shiver against the cold. "You used to talk me down whenever I'd get upset or angry."

"Oh." He nods.

"I'm glad you came."

"Why?"

"I don't know, just am; it's good to see you."

"Yeah, it's good to see you, too." He says with a little wryness I can't help but detect.

I bite my lip. "Hey, I know you don't celebrate holidays back at the factory, but for what it's worth; I'm sorry you had to spend Christmas here."

He shrugs casually. "It's just another day."

"I know, but Sherry…"

"Sherry and I aren't together anymore," He smokes, glancing over at me, "She's married to Negan."

"That doesn't mean you can't still care about her, or, I don't know, spend time with her."

Dwight scoffs. "That's exactly what it means."

I furrow my brows. "What do you talking about? I heard you two talking when I was staying at The Sanctuary."

"Yeah, in an empty stairwell."

I stare at him, scanning his non-expressive face. "You're telling me you are allowed to even speak to one another?"

"It could get Sherry in trouble."

My furrowed brows deepen. I suddenly recall Sherry asking me not to tell Negan that she had been talking to Dwight. Her tone seemed more concerned for him rather than herself.

"Why did she marry him if-"

The door to my house abruptly opens and right as I turn, both Nanda and Ravinder are walking out.

"Leaving so soon?"

"We're full," Ravinder says, "Thanks for dinner."

"I made cookies."

"We'll come back for them later."

"O-okay."

"Sorry, Pip," Nanda calls as she heads across the street, "But it's super weird eating with your baby daddy."

"Yeah, especially when he used to make us do push-ups" Ravinder says, sympathetically. "Sorry."

"He didn't say anything to offend either of you, right?"

"No, he was...polite." Her eyes look at my gaze. "Polite-ish. It's Coach Ne-, uh, it's Negan. He's not really good at not being rude."

I nod my head. "Have a good night. Come by in the morning; we got you each a present."

"Sure," Ravinder waves before following her sister, "Night, Pippa."

I watch as they go home for a moment, before I look back to Dwight. "I better go inside."

"Yeah," He faintly agrees, "See ya later, Pippa."

"See ya." I stand in place as he starts to aimless stroll. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

He turns. "What?"

I chew on the corner of my bottom lip. "Um, nothing. It can wait."

He nods. "See ya."

Back in the house, I find the boys clearing off the table while Negan appears to be doing the dishes. My body is practically shaking from standing outside without my coat on.

"Hey, Mom."

I go over to the table. "Leave my bowl. I'm not done yet."

"You might want a fresher bowl," Negan says by the sink, "Your chili's probably cold."

I pick up my bowl and walk it over to him. He takes it from me and gives me a clean bowl to scoop some chili in. "Thanks."

"Sure thing."

I snag another piece of cornbread and sit back down at the table to eat.

"Mom, we're gonna play Candyland." Abel informs me as Jolyon breaks out the boardgame.

"I'll sit this round out." I pant, trying not to burn the roof of my mouth.

"Dad said he'd let us win."

I peer skeptically over at the little dishwasher. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Your dad's a damn liar, Abel."

"Pardon me?" Negan turns off the water. "Did you just call me a liar?"

"I did," I blow on a spoonful of piping hot chili. "You know you can't let anyone beat you in anything."

"It's a boardgame," Negan tugs on the apron strings behind his back, "For players three and up. I think my pride won't be too badly chipped if I let a four-year-old make it to the Candy Castle before me."

"So you say."

"And what pray tell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know you're willing to cheat if things aren't looking up for you."

"How the fuck would I cheat at Candyland?"

I shrug. "I don't know, but you'd find a way I'm sure."

"How dare you call me out in front of my own flesh and blood." He tosses the apron at me which I catch.

"Hey, you could have knocked the bowl over!"

"Could have, but it didn't."

"Grow up."

Negan pulls back a chair and sits. "I think I'll sit this round out, too. Keep your mom company."

"I could use a little alone time."

"Well, that's too damn bad." He chuckles next to me. "So, what was that all about with your gal pal? I tried to squeeze it out of the Patels, but they didn't budge and Nanda told that one not to spill the beans."

I briefly glance over at Abel, whom Negan's referring to.

"So, who's the guy and why the hell is his identity so goddamn hushedity-hush?"

I blink back to Negan, before looking down at my chili. "None of your business."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so drop it."

"Fine," He exhales, "Must be some guy to get Lourdes all up in arms."

"Negan."

"Alright, alright." He stretches his arm out to my chair.

…

After several rounds of Candyland accompanied by cookies and milk, I put the boys to bed around nine o'clock. Jolyon needed no goading, but Abel was too excited to sleep, so I had to sit with him on the bottom bunk. I read him a few pages from a book and then tried not to smack my head on the top bunk as I rose to go to bed.

It started snowing outside which would normally be somewhat magical, if there wasn't a bunch of hooting and hollering outside. People really like their booze this time of year. And it looks like the Saviors are getting along with some of my people.

"Jesus, your bed is fucking soft as fuck." Negan complains, reclined on my bed with his boots off. "What's your mattress made out of? Mashed potatoes?"

I snort. "What?"

"It's soft and lumpy," He shifts around, "Why the hell is it so springy?"

"I'm still trying to process that oddly adorable thing you just said," I chuckle, softly closing the door to my bedroom, "It sounded like something my mom would have said."

"You know your mattress is supposed to be firm, right?" Negan says, ignoring me. "It's better for your back."

"I like my mattress," I say as I change out of my clothes, "I'm a side sleeper anyway."

"Yeah, but you do spend a lot of time on your back."

I guffaw incredulously. "Really?"

"Are you gonna stand there and tell me I'm wrong?"

I touch the end of my bed. "I'm more of a top these days."

"Funny, all I recall in my most recent memories of lovemaking is you under me."

"First off, don't call it lovemaking, grandma, and two; I was on top of you the last time we did it."

"Yeah, because _I_ moved us." He grins. I arch my brow, unamused and he laughs. "Face it, you like being under me."

"What sort of taunt is that?" I scoff, continuing to undress. "Also, you get really sweaty and you're pretty hairy which is not a good mix, so I think not."

"Could have fooled me."

Frustrated, I turn to look at him, naked all except for my underwear. As much as I love him, I absolutely hate that cocky ass smile of his. I slip off my panites and pad over to his bedside. He takes my hand and I straddle him.

I look down at his somewhat softer grin as his hands roam my body. "How do you know I'm not just lulling you into a false sense of security?"

"If riding me is how you manage that, then by all fucking means, lull me."

"I mean, how do you know that this isn't just some ruse to make you think I'm cooperating with everything you've asked?" I touch his belt. "That I'm not using sex to pull the wool over your eyes?"

"Sex as a strategy?"

"If you know how to control your opponent then you should." I meet his inspecting gaze. I get off of him, slipping my hand from his when he holds on. "Or, I could just be desperate to rekindle what we had before the change."

"What we had before was adultery."

"Yeah, but it was love as fucked up as it is," I slip on my Lorelei's t-shirt and peppermint-striped flannel pajama bottoms. "I never minded that you were on top most of the time. I liked draping my arms around you. I liked feeling you in my arms."

"You don't now?"

I go to the windows to close the curtains. "I do, but it feels political now."

"Political how?"

I stare out the foggy window at all the people across the street who are laughing indoors behind windows and warm light. I close the thin white curtains. "Nevermind. Let's just go to bed; the kids will be up early to open presents."

I put on some socks and go to the bed, sliding under the covers as I turn off the lamp. Negan sits up for a moment to take off his scarf, belts, and leather jacket. He tosses both toward the end of the bed and, I swear I'm not lying, adjusts his baseball bat which has been resting against the night stand as if to make sure it's comfortable. He then lays back down on his back with a groan.

He looks over at me as soon as he's comfortable. "What?"

"Nothing." I roll onto my back, sighing through my nose. My body rumbles as he moves in bed. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You're staring at me," I open my eyes and turn my head his way, "What is it?"

"Nothing, I just...feel like an asshole."

"What's new?"

He smiles briefly. "I don't want you to feel like being with me is some kind of peacekeeping."

I look him over.

"I love you, Pippa," He says, "I want you to feel like you did before."

I roll my head forward to stare up at the ceiling. I sigh again, before reaching out to comb my fingers through his hair. "I can't feel like that anymore. The past is the past."

"So, the ol' spark is gone?" He asks in a way to seem like he's trying to be funny but can't hide being saddened.

I look back over at him. "No, it's not gone. Our new normal is just...diplomatic."

"Well, I don't want it to be that way." He takes my hand from his hair.

"We have this conversation every time we're together," I say, "And every time we come to the same conclusion or promise that things will one day be better...that, or we end up arguing."

Negan doesn't reply but his eyes seem much sadder.

"Neither of us want to bend for the other," I go on, "We live a hundred and forty miles from each other. It just seems like we're doing this for the kids...and to keep things civil which hasn't exactly been working."

"So, what? You think we should call it quits?"

I look back at him. I think about what Lourdes said. Negan stares at me, waiting for my answer. The expression on his face reminds of a night we shared years ago; a night that still appears vividly in my mind whenever I come to think of it.

I breathe through my nose and take my hand from his. "No."

"Then what?"

"I don't know," I shrug, "Let's talk about it tomorrow. I'm tired; you embarrassed me tonight at dinner, even though you promised you wouldn't."

Negan snickers, still a little mopey about our conversation. "You should know by now I'm an asshole. An asshole who means well, but an asshole nonetheless."

"Why are you so shitty at talking to people?"

"Excuse me, I happen to be a great conversationalist. People just don't get my sense of humor."

"What sense is that? Taking the piss out of people until they feel so uncomfortable or annoyed that they don't want to talk to you?"

"It's not my fault people don't know how to lighten up and take a joke."

"How would you like it if I bullied you with my smart mouth?"

"I think you know I'd fuckin' lose it." He retorts. "About ninety percent of my attraction to you is your smart mouth."

"Yeah? What's the other ten percent?"

"I'd tell you but you'd probably slap me."

I arch my brow at him, before rolling my eyes. "My legs and my ass."

"You've also got great tits," Negan adds, "Your face is okay, too." I scoff into a laugh. "Right now you're a little bruised up, so that's a bit of a boner killer."

"Shut your fucking mouth."

His laughter settles. "You're also one of the strongest people I know. Smart as hell on occasion."

"On occasion?"

"You have your good days."

"Again, shut the fuck up."

"Hey, you asked."

"You're right, I should know better by now." I chuckle.

He smiles. "You know, not to sound all gushy or whatever, but I don't think I've ever been more proud of someone like I'm proud of you."

"I'm waiting for the punchline."

"There's no punchline," Negan says, "You are tough as they come. You gave birth to our son and then carried two kids, four if you count the Patels, Lourdes and a dog to this place, which you then took over and made them stronger."

I turn my head against my pillow to look at him through the dark. "You don't know what I've done, or...who I became to make it this far. To keep them alive for this long."

"No, but who I see now is a fucking force to be reckoned with who cares about the people she leads." Negan says. "I've come across a lot of leaders and I can tell you none of them ever measured up to you. Never had my respect like you do."

I feel the emotions start to rise with my breath. I swallow. "You can't know what I would do for this place and the people I care about."

"I think I can." He replies steadily. "I love you, Pippa."

I search his face in the dark. "I love you, too, Negan."

He extends himself, nearly over my flat body, so that he can kiss me. I touch his face as he deepens the kiss. I breathe as he touches one of my breasts.

"Stop." I open my eyes and gaze up at him when he stops. "Not tonight."

Negan nods his head and lays down beside me. We both lay there on our backs in silence for a great while. Negan's hand brushes against mine and locks our fingers together. I squeeze his hand as I breathe, closing my eyes and trying to ignore the raw pain in my throat.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I know this was probably an anti-climatic chapter, but I was working on finishing up my undergrad and time got away from me. But, within the next chapter or two, things are gonna start to hit the fan. Spring is almost upon them and if I'm not mistaken, that's when the Saviors start having problems with Alexandria.**

 **CLTex: Yeah, Pippa's connection with Negan is a total benefit, but I think it's also a hinderance to her, or perhaps will be. She has allowed things to happen that she might normally fight back, as well as lied to people about the nature of the "deal" she has with Negan. Martin is currently the only person who knows the full extent of the danger Halcyon is in with Pippa bringing the Saviors in. I think Pippa is trying to do what she feels is safest, but ultimately she did go out searching for the Saviors and now has to face all or any consequences of finding Negan.**

 **Lya: I'm glad you like Martin! I wanted him to be sort of a balanced character for Pippa while Negan is or will be problematic for her. I'm looking forward to fleshing him out more as the Halcyonian/Savior relationship starts to crumble. As for Dwight, he will appear more and more, but as for their affair from the past, I don't think it'll reappear. At least not sexually. With Eugene's eventual return coming up, I think that there's just too many men as potential love interests for Pippa, so I'm trying to stick with Martin and Negan for now. But, I'm sure it's no spoiler that Negan will eventually learn that Dwight is the guy Pippa was there's bound to be some drama there :)**


	26. Chapter 26

"Wake up, wake up!" Abel pounces onto the bed, rocking me awake. "Mom, Dad, wake up!"

Negan inhales with a groan. "What? What is it?"

"It's Christmas!" Abel cheerfully exclaims. "Wake up!"

"Oof, watch it, kid," Negan grunts, "I've got ribs under all this flesh and blood."

"Sorry."

"What time is it?"

"Um...the little hand is on the five."

"You mean to tell me you're waking me up at five in the morning to open presents?"

"Yeah."

"Go back to bed. Wake me up in an hour."

"I can't go back to sleep, I'm too excited."

"Well, come lay down then." I mumble.

"I'll go wait in my new bed." He climbs over me and slides off the bed.

"Close the door, please."

The door shuts loudly. I can make out faint whispering from outside, which must mean he woke Jolyon up too.

"Jesus." Negan exhales.

I shift around in bed. "I thought you liked getting up this early."

"It's a holiday."

I snicker softly. "I told you the kids would be up early." I stretch. "The one day a year they're up before seven."

"Well, not this year," Negan turns over on his side, pulling most the blankets with him, "Daddy's tired as fuck."

I open my eyes, looking at his back. I tug on the quilt. "Well, no matter how tired, Daddy doesn't get to just hog the covers." I scoot closer to him, pulling the quilt over my shoulder. "Come on, give me some of it."

"How about I give you the whole thing?"

"Haha, I'm serious." I put my arm over him. "Asshole."

"You can't at least wait until your morning coffee to start calling me that?" He murmurs. "It is Christmas after all."

I breathe as I close my eyes. "I won't call you an asshole for the rest of the day; consider it my gift to you."

"Gee, thanks." He chuckles, before rolling on his back. "Move, so I can get my arm around you."

"What makes you think I want your arm around me?"

"Asshole."

"Hey, don't call me an asshole."

"Unlike your rude ass self, I actually got you a present, so I can call you whatever I damn well please."

"Try me," I dare him, "Call me anything you damn well please and see how that works out for you." His fingers graze my warm thighs. "How dare you even think of defiling me on this, the day our Savior's birth."

"I'm your savior."

"I'd rather be in peril."

He chuckles under his breath. "Move, you're squishing my arm."

"Oh, lord," I move just so he can ensnare me in his arm, "You're such a baby; _Ow, you're squishing my arm."_

"You just mocked me and I'm the fuckin' baby?"

"You get it."

He plants a tender kiss on my forehead...he then abruptly sneezes on me. I open my eyes, staring right at him in total disbelief. "Shit, sorry; some of your hair tickled my nose."

"Oh, so it's my fault you just expelled your snot all over me?"

"Don't you usually tie your hair up when you sleep at night?"

"You're such a dick."

"I thought you weren't gonna call me any names?"

"I said I wouldn't call you an asshole."

"Fair enough," He smiles, "I am sorry. It was an accident."

"I better not get sick."

"Nah, I'm healthy as a horse."

"Gross," I grumble. "And stop touching my thigh."

"I can't help it, your legs are warm."

"Could you stop?"

"Okay, okay."

I give him a look. "Quit squeezing my boob."

"My hands are cold."

"I'd let your hands get frostbite and break off before I'd let you lay here and fondle me in bed."

"You don't usually mind my roaming hands." He says, removing his hand from under my shirt.

"Since when have I ever enjoyed or got turned on by you titty honking me or groping my legs and ass?"

"I don't hear you bitching about it when we're getting frisky."

"I'm usually already in the mood by time you start doing that shit."

"Mm, so all I gotta do is get your motor running?"

"Both kids are awake out there."

"We can be quiet."

I roll my eyes. "What is it with you and always wanting to check my oil?"

"What can I say? You're a damn good ride."

"I'd slap you if I didn't set myself up for that." I tell him and he chuckles.

"I love you."

"I love whoever invented pop tarts," I retort, "Man, those things were good."

Negan laughs below his breath. "Your ribbing only makes me want you more."

"What do I say to reverse that?"

"I'm afraid there's not a fucking thing you could say to make me not want you," He moves my hair away from my eyes, "Or stop me from loving you; you're stuck with me, woman."

I smile sleepily. "Great, just great." His smile grows. I look him over. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry fuckin' Christmas." He says back as he starts to close his eyes.

"What? You're not gonna stuff my stocking?"

Negan opens one eye with a raise of his brow.

"I thought you had a yule log to stick in my chimney."

"You said the kids were awake."

"And you said we'd be quiet, so…" I lift up my brows.

Negan grins. "You naughty girl you." He leans over me and kisses me softly.

We swiftly get interrupted by a knock on the door. "Mom?"

Negan sighs against my shoulder. I scratch his head. "Yeah?"

"I'm kind of hungry." Abel says, opening the door.

Negan moves from being almost on top of me, pulling up the covers. "I thought we had talked about just entering a room like this."

"I knocked."

"Yeah, but we didn't say you could come in."

"Sorry."

I get out of bed. "Alright, I'm coming to make breakfast."

"When can we open presents?"

"Mmm...how about we wait until Lourdes gets here?"

"Aw, but she likes to sleep late!"

"Dude, we sleep until seven, too, which is not late."

"It is when you live on a farm." Negan puts his belts on.

"Can it." I tell him as I stretch. "Go wait for us outside."

"Okay." Abel walks back out, bringing the door to a close.

"Before you say anything, let me remind you for the millionth time that this is what it's like to have kids."

"Look at you reading minds." Negan chuckles.

I smile, mildly humored. The talk we had last night comes to mind. It's funny how easy it is to fall back. Frustrating, too.

"What's up?"

I look him in the eyes. "Hm?"

"You're staring at me with a blank look on your face.

"Oh…" I nod my head. I smile softly. "Just taking in the view."

"So, you're objectifying me?" Negan strolls over to me, snaking his arm around my lower back. "Somehow I'm okay with that coming from you."

I put my arms around him. "Try not to embarrass me today."

"Ah, it'll just be you, me, and the kids."

"And Lourdes...and maybe the Patels if you didn't scare them off."

"Still, they all know what to expect," He smiles, "I can let loose among friends, right?"

"Negan, you don't have friends and I'm serious."

"Alright, I'll be on my best behavior," He kisses the top of my head, "Times ten. Cross my heart."

"Thank you." I let him peck my lips.

…

While I make breakfast, I let the kids go through their stockings. I make a french toast casserole, which I personally don't care for, but the kid's love it, so I made it a Chrtismas tradition so they can enjoy it and I only have to eat it once a year. Negan exclaims that it smells good, probably because of the cinnamon and maple syrup, but I think he'll change his mind once he tastes it; the center is so soft and moist, it almost feels eggy texture wise.

He made coffee, which I guess was his idea of helping me, and then sat on the couch with a cup of joe with the kids. It makes his words of what I'll call encouragement for me sweating over a hot stove and oven super fucking annoying.

Lourdes comes into the house a little after seven. "Jesus," Her teeth chatter, "It's fucking cold out there."

"Do people ever stop bitching about the cold?"

"No." Lourdes replies, brushing off the snowflakes that fell on Cleo on the walk over. "Alright, shake it off."

Cleo shakes the cold off her pelt and then trots over to the kids. She barks when Abel stands up on the couch and he sits back down on his knees.

"Feliz Navidad, Lourdes!"

"Feliz Navidad, bebé." Lourdes shivers. "What'd you get for Christmas?"

"I don't know, Mom said we had to wait for you to get here."

"Wow, blame it on Lourdes," Lourdes hangs up her jacket, "Thanks, Pippa."

"You're welcome."

Lourdes glances over at Negan on the couch. "Need any help in the kitchen?"

"Por favor," I plead, "Dios sabe que no lo hará."

"Cabrón."

"Excuse me, but there's a ban on calling me an asshole," Negan informs Lourdes, "Given that it's a holiday. Don't think I don't know what that means; you called that plenty of times."

"Technically, the ban is on me calling you an asshole." I clarify.

"Oh, so I'm still okay to do it?"

"Go right ahead."

"Asshole." Lourdes calls Negan.

"Hey, that's not nice, Lourdes." Abel scolds her.

"Hey, your mom said I could. Feliz Navidad, Jol."

"Feliz Navidad."

"Are you gonna make empanadas?"

"Uh, does a bear poop in the woods?"

Abel laughs. "Yeah."

"Then you can bet your butt there will be empanadas for dinner."

"Yay!" Abel cheers, before turning toward me. "Is breakfast almost ready?"

"It's in the oven now, okay, eager mcbeaver?" I walk over in my pajamas. "Alright, let's open presents."

"Me first!" Cleo barks as Abel starts to rise up from sitting on the couch. "I'm sitting, jeez."

"She's keeping you safe."

"She's too bossy." Abel pets her head and she climbs up on the couch with him.

Negan reaches over and pets Cleo on the back, which gets her attention. "Damn, you and Simon really fought over this ugly thing? I've seen better fuckin' heads on a mug of root beer."

"So have I." Lourdes scoffs, looking him over.

"Hey, hey, let's not start arguing," I sit down on the floor by the tree, "Both Cleo and Negan are pretty, so let's shut up and open presents."

"Fine by me." Lourdes walks over to the coffee pot in the kitchen. "¿Fea? No lo creo."

I grab a present under the tree. "This one is for...Jolyon." I hand Jolyon the gift and then grab another. "And this one is for Abel."

Both boys open their gifts. "Socks?" Negan looks at me. "Really?"

"They needed them." I grab two more gifts, which are more clothes, which they do need.

"Wow, neat gifts, Mom."

I look over at Negan. "Do we need to have a talk in the bedroom?"

Negan zips his lips and smiles.

"Whoa, these socks are really thick." Abel sticks his hand inside.

I smile. "Let's hope it makes it harder for you to run holes in them."

Once all the boring gifts are out of the way, I give the kids their fun gifts. They each got some books, board games, and two puzzles. Abel got a new pair of shoes and some toy cars. Jolyon got a backpack and a pair of binoculars.

"Wow, you guys made out like bandits." I say, since Negan missed the opportunity to say a very dad thing to say.

"Aren't you going to open your gifts?"

"Yes, I was just-"

"Well, hold on, the kids still have gifts to open." Negan interrupts.

I look over at him, before scanning around me and the tree. "Oh, whoops, here they are."

"You were just saving the best for last."

I roll my eyes, before handing the boys their gifts from Negan. "Nice wrapping job; did your wives wrap these gifts for you?"

"I'm a fucking adult," Negan chuckles, "I know how to wrap presents."

"Mhm." I arch my brow.

"Whoa!" Abel stares down at the paper in awe.

"What is it, babe?"

"Yeah, show us." Lourdes encourages, sitting next to Jolyon on the bottom bunk.

Abel lifts up an orangy brown, worn leather baseball glove. "It's a glove!"

"Oh, wow." I say meekly.

"That way you won't feel left out when your brother and I toss a few outside." Negan says, smiling at Abel's obvious happiness over his gift.

Abel leans over and hugs Negan. "I love it."

Negan hugs him back. "You're welcome, kid."

I smile, admittedly a little touched. I could cry like a sap.

"What'd you get Jolly?" Lourdes asks, which prompts me to glance over for the answer.

Jolyon moves the paper away and when I see the sheathed knife I nearly gasp. What the holy fuck? He turns it around, before pulling it out of the leather sheath.

"You got him a hunting knife?" Lourdes scoffs.

"Sure did," Negan says, proud, "I figured since he's old enough to go on runs, he's old enough to have a proper knife."

I look at Negan in utter disbelief. "Can I see you in private for a moment?"

"What for?"

"Now." I get up from my spot.

"Mom." Jolyon pleads.

"Pip."

I look at both Lourdes and Jolyon. Jolyon looks like I'm about to ruin Christmas for him, while Lourdes flicks her eyes towards my other kid. When I glance over toward Abel, he's got those big puppy dog eyes, feeling the tension. Godammit.

I sigh, giving in. I look at Negan. "We'll talk about this later."

"Can I keep the knife?" Jolyon asks.

"I don't know, we'll see."

"But-"

"We'll discuss it later." I put my verbal foot down.

"You and Lourdes are next." Abel says.

"Okay…" I fish around for the gifts. "Here, Lourdes, the kids and I got this for you."

Lourdes opens the present. "Peanut brittle?"

"And brown sugar molasses brittle."

"Your favorite."Abel smiles.

Lourdes puts her hand over her heart. "Thank you, guys."

"We won't ask for any this time," Abel tells her, "You don't have to share."

"I wasn't planning on it, but thank you." She sets the tin we put it in aside. "Pip, yours is behind you."

"Oh, okay." I reach around for the package. I wrap it. "Oh...wow."

"Aren't they cool?" She smiles. "They're like the pair you used to have before the change."

I inspect the pair of sunglasses. "Yeah."

"I found them a month ago," Lourdes says, delighted, "I figured since you're the jefe around here, you should have some badass shades."

"Thanks, Lour." I smile. "I wish I would have gotten you something better now."

"Nah, I'll freeze most of this and feed off it for months."

"Try 'em on." Abel says.

"Okay." I put on the sunglasses.

"You look cool, Mom."

"Aw, thank you." I chuckle, taking off the glasses.

"Yeah, real cool." Negan chimes in. I flip him the bird.

"You and Lourdes open the gift from me and Jol."

"Jol y yo." Lourdes corrects his grammar.

"Jol and I."

"You want to, or should I?"

"Go ahead."

I open the gift from the boys. It's a wooden picture frame with a picture of the four of us and the Patels...and my father. It's a photo from way back; Nanda found a polaroid camera and wanted to take a group picture. Abel's only a baby here. I feel tears start to water in my eyes.

"Let me see." Lourdes puts her hand out. I give it to her and she looks it over. "Oh, look at how small you both were."

I wipe a tear from my face. Negan looks at me funny. He wiggles his fingers. "Let me have a look at that."

Lourdes hands him the frame and he glances down at the picture. His eyes focus on the photo but I can't tell what he's thinking. None of us can.

I clear my throat, getting his attention. "Are we all done with presents?"

Negan swallows, sitting up. "Uh, no, I got you a little something but it can wait till later."

"We got Dad something."

"Oh, yeah, where's it at?"

"Over there." Abel gets off the couch and pads to the other side of the tree. He picks up the poorly wrapped gift and brings it over to Negan. "Here; it's from Jol and me."

"Yo."

" _I_." Abel shyly waits for Negan to open it.

"Aw, you kids didn't have to get me anything." Negan unwraps the present. The paper drops at his feet and he's left holding a white, glazed slightly misshapen ceramic mug with black speckles. "Oh, wow, look at this; an official dad mug."

"Look inside." Abel points to the inside of the mug. "Gemma and Kirk let us write something on the inside."

Negan tips the mug his way to read whatever's on the inside. Abel comes over to sit on my lap. I kiss his temple, waiting for Negan to read the message aloud. But, his smile starts to disappear until his mouth comes to a complete close.

"Jolyon wrote it, because his handwriting is better than mine and I can't really spell."

Negan nods his head. He sets the mug down on the table and gets up from the couch. He walks out of the house without a word, leaving all of us here in bewilderment.

"What the hell?" Lourdes is the first to speak.

"Maybe he didn't like it." Abel meekly says.

I look at the mug. I pat Abel's arm. "Hand me the mug, baby."

Abel walks over to the table, picks up the mug, and hands it to me. I glance down in the mug, where at the bottom is the message: _We're glad we found you, Dad. - J + A._

"What's it say?" Lourdes asks me.

I turn my head, meeting eyes with Jolyon. I hand him the mug to pass to Lourdes before I get up from the floor. "Watch the oven, Lour."

I slide on my boots, hastily tying them and throwing on my jacket before going out the door. I look around in front of me and down each side of the street, before flowering the trail in the snow towards the back of the house. I round the corner and find Negan by the empty clothesline, sitting on the side of the bathtub with his back facing me.

I march over, crunching the twelve inches of powder as I make my path. "If you catch your death out here, you should know; I will take over the Saviors."

His head slightly turns at my voice. "You'd have to fight Simon for it."

"I can take him." I stop once I reach him. "Whatcha doin' out here? Building a snowman?"

Negan sniffs, but doesn't reply. He was obviously shedding a few tears before he realized I was here.

"What's the matter?" I ask him. "Didn't you like your gift?"

"Yeah, I did," He looks down, "Who knew kids could be so thoughtful?"

I pull the necklace Jolyon had gotten me for Christmas years ago from inside my shirt. "I did."

He smiles, melancholy. He sniffs again.

"You came out in the cold just to cry so we wouldn't see you?" I lightly tease. "What a pussy."

"Shut the fuck up." Negan chuckles. His face grows somber again. "It was a nice gift."

I nod my head. "The kids aren't gonna think less of you for crying."

"I know that."

"Then why are you out here?"

"I don't know, I just...it still feels weird as fuck."

"What does?"

"Being a dad," He tells me, "Getting gifts from my kids, frosting cookies with 'em, and watching 'em open presents by the tree...makes you kind of wish the world wasn't the way it is now."

I smile. "There'll be more Christmases, Negan."

"Yeah, but what about birthdays and all those markers of growing up like losing your first tooth or learning how to ride a bike?" He asks me with a sad look on his face. "How am I supposed to catch all that two hours away? I've already missed a shit ton, Pippa."

"We've been over this, Negan," I touch his arms, "We will figure it out. You and me."

Negan sniffs. "You and _I_."

I chuckle. "Real cute." I point my finger at him. "Don't think you and _I_ aren't going to talk about Jolyon's gift."

"Oh, come, I think he's old enough for something bigger than that boy scout toothpick he's got now."

"A hunting knife?"

"It's only a six inch blade."

"He's eight."

"If this were the old world, I'd see your point, but it's not," Negan says, "Jolyon's a mature kid; he's not gonna go waving it around the place like an idiot. Come on, let him keep it."

I glare at him, somewhat playful. "We'll see." I start to walk. "Come on; I'm freezing my tits off out here."

Negan laughs, his breath bursting into the air. "I bet if your t-shirt wasn't so loose, we'd be able to see your nipples pointing the way home."

"God, you're such a child." I groan as he puts his arm around me.

We go back into the warm house, where Abel's cleaning up the wrapping paper while Lourdes takes the french toast casserole out of the oven and Jolyon sets the table.

"Thank God," Negan says, watching Lourdes close the oven door, "I could eat a fuckin' horse I'm so goddamn hungry."

"Go help Jol set the table." I roll my eyes.

"Sorry you didn't like your gift." Abel says, getting both of us to look over. "We didn't know what else to get you."

Negan looks over, as if he doesn't know what to say. He exhales. "I did like it, Abel, I...love it, actually. It was the best gift I could have asked for."

"Really?"

"Yeah, fuckin' really," Negan says, looking toward Jolyon, "Thank you both."

"Can I hug you?" Abel asks him.

Negan snickers, putting out his hands. "Yes, and I'm you're dad; you don't have to ask."

Abel smiles, getting off the couch and running over and hugging his dad. He waves Jolyon over. "Come on, Jol."

Jolyon sheepishly stands by a chair at the table.

Negan motions him over with his head. "Bring it in."

Jolyon walks over. Negan lets go of Abel and he and Jolyon look at one another for a moment. He then smiles and brings Jolyon in for a hug. "I love you, kid."

Jolyon glances up at him. I can tell he's bashful. "Um, you, too."

Negan chuckles, mussing Jolyon's hair, before sighing; "Alright, I call first plate. I am the guest afterall."

I roll my eyes, smiling. I blink, setting my eyes on Jolyon. I smile at him and he smiles faintly back.

…

The rest of the day goes pretty perfectly in my opinion. We mostly stayed indoors where it was nice and toasty, eating cookies instead of lunch some time after breakfast. Abel got Negan to build a snowman which led to a snowball fight that Lourdes and I didn't ask to be a part of but had to finish with only mercies toward the kids.

Everyone's been celebrating all week, so I didn't feel guilty having fun with my family, Negan specifically, or worry about being given the evil eye. No one cared, in fact, the Saviors haven't been shitty to anyone from what I've had reported back to me, so that alone lowers my blood pressure.

The romp in the snow left everyone tired as hell, so as soon as we all got in and warm again, everybody picked a spot and fell asleep. Lourdes took the arm chair, Jolyon drifted off on Abel's bunk, while Abel laid against me on the couch. Negan put his boots on the table and nodded off beside me with his arm around the back of the couch.

After some time, I'm awaken by Cleo whining and nudging my leg. When I open my eyes to her she stampers and walks around my legs and under Negan's to lead me to the door. I stretch my back and neck a little and then carefully slip out from under Abel. I grumble under my breath as Cleo does the impatient I-have-to-pee dance, glaring over at Lourdes for evidently being unwakeable.

I open the door and Cleo bolts out the door. I shut the door behind me and look over for her. She pees over by the snowman they built, yellowing the snow a little. After she's done that, she trots around a little. I brush off some snow on the bench outside my house and sit, waiting for the dog.

"Come on, football head." I bounce my knees a little to keep myself warm.

"Hey."

I turn my head. "Oh, hey, D."

Dwight comes moseying up the street with a brown bottle in his hand. "How come you're not inside?"

"Should I be?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "It's cold out and it's Christmas."

I nod, watching what now looks like a stagger. "My family's taking a holiday snooze right now," I say, "So was I until the dog needed to be let out."

Dwight notices the dog over in the snow. "Oh."

I look him over. "Shouldn't you be...I don't know, hanging out with your friends or whatever?"

He chuckles drunkenly. "I don't have friends."

"What about your little girlfriend?"

"She's...somewhere over that way, I'm sure."

I smirk. "Wanna sit down for a minute?"

"I shouldn't." He says, taking a swig from the bottle.

"Why not?" I ask him. "We don't know each other; just two strangers on a bench, you and I."

He scoffs, mildly humored. "Um, sure, alright."

He comes over and plops down on the bench beside me. He takes another drink of what I now know is beer. He tilts the bottle my way.

"Want any?"

I look at him with knitted brows. The innocent, inebriated expression on his face tells me that he just isn't thinking clearly. "No, I can't. Thanks."

"Okay," Dwight goes to take another drink but pauses, "Oh! Shit, I'm sorry. I forgot you-"

"It's okay." I sigh, watching my breath curl out like smoke.

"What'd you get for Christmas?"

"My kids got me a nice frame for the only picture we have and my friend got me a pair of sunglasses."

"Oh, nice." He says as he sets down the bottle. He fishes a pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. "What'd Negan get you?"

"Don't know, he hasn't given it to me yet," I watch Cleo run hog wild around in the snow in her non-water proof sweater Ravinder knitted for her, "Said he'd give it to me later."

"Huh." Dwight lights his cigarette.

"Do you know what it is?"

"Nope," He exhales smoke, "Can't say that I do."

I nod. "Sherry didn't mention anything?"

"Why would she know?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Negan's never really struck me as the kind of guy to be good at picking out thoughtful gifts for women; figured maybe he had one of them do it."

"One of them?"

"His wives," I clarify, "If he's not keeping them around for sex anymore than he must making them do something for him."

Dwight scoffs, chuckling to himself.

"What?"

He goes to say, but when his eyes meet mine, his smile dwindles. His eyes also look down, before he turns his head, taking another drag. "Nothing."

"Nothing?"

He exhales slowly. "Yeah, nothing."

I feel a pit in my stomach. "Tell me."

Dwight glances back at me, looking me over.

"Please."

His eyes draw downward again. He shrugs his shoulders. "I just thought it sounded a little beneath you is all."

"What?"

"The way you talked about his wives...seemed a little bitter of you."

I scoff. "I am not bitter."

"Okay."

I roll my eyes, but I can't help chuckling.

"What?"

"Nothing, it just kind of sounded like those little spats we'd get into when we were young."

"Oh, yeah."

I peer over at the dog again. The nauseating feeling hasn't gone away.

"Dwight, I know we haven't seen each other in years and you have no reason to be loyal to me or tell me the truth, but...you'd tell me the truth if I asked for it, wouldn't you?"

He looks over at me.

"Even if it hurt like a hell, you'd tell me?"

Dwight's eyes study me.

"Wouldn't you?"

He sighs through his nose. "What do you want to know?"

I stare for a moment, before I look back at Cleo trotting up to the bench. I can't ask; I can't be that jealous woman and ask. "Nothing, I was just wondering."

Cleo barks as she reaches the bench, putting her front paws on me as she begs for pets.

"Girl," I bemoan, petting her head, "You're getting your muddy paws all over me."

Dwight smiles, reaching over to pet her. "This Simon's dog?"

"This is _Lourdes'_ dog, Cleo."

"He wouldn't shut up about it when he came back empty-handed."

"If he cared about her, he wouldn't have left her with Lourdes and taken off."

"He said she stole her from him."

"I was there and trust me, he walked out the door without her when she hesitated to leave Lourdes who was distraught." I let her get up in my lap when she jumps up, despite her clearly not being a lap dog. "Besides, that was then, this is now and he has no claim to her, isn't that right?"

Cleo barks and we laugh. "Far be it from me to say Simon's not an asshole."

"Anyone who says otherwise needs their head examined." I chuckle with him.

Dwight drops the cigarette in the snow. "I should probably find Laura."

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Pippa."

I smile as he walks off. I pat Cleo on the back and start to rise from the bench. "Alright, let's go inside."

When we go back in, Cleo runs over to Lourdes, leaping up in her lap and immediately waking her up.

"Cleo!" Lourdes complains. "Your sweater is soaking wet!" She looks down at her lap. "And you're muddy!"

"She needed to go out to potty." I say, hanging up my coat.

Lourdes takes off Cleo's sweater. "Go sit on the rug by the heater. ¡Vamos!"

Cleo lays down on the rug closest to the furnace, laying her head down between her paws.

"We should probably get dinner started soon."

"Are the Patels coming over?"

"I think so," I peek over at Negan, "Hopefully last night didn't scare them off. Rav said she was making samosas. I think Nanda is making something, too."

Lourdes huffs. "But I'm making empanadas."

"So?"

"So, why is Ravinder making samosas?!"

"Um...because samosas are good."

"It's too much like empanadas."

"It is not."

She crosses her arms, pouting. "They're both savory pastries."

"Yeah, but they're not filled with the same thing. Why are we arguing about this? We're having a nice, family meal that everyone is contributing to; shut up and enjoy the fact that we don't have to cook a turkey."

"Yeah…"

Negan wakes up, probably because of our little argument.

"Careful, the dog's under your feet."

He looks down, puzzled and still half asleep. "What time is it?"

"We should have gotten you a watch for Christmas," I hover over him from behind the couch, "It's two o'clock on the nose." I gently tap the tip of his nose with my finger like a wand.

He snickers. "Did I overhear the mentions of dinner?"

"That you did, my boy," I smirk, "But don't expect any turkey or stuffing, because neither are on the menu."

"Well, fuck this shit, I'm leaving."

"There's the door." I move towards the kitchen.

He chuckles. "Need any help?"

"I needed help at breakfast, where were you then?"

"Hanging out with the kids."

"Sitting on your ass is more like it," I retort, "What do you know about cooking anyway?"

"You may fucking recall that I made you breakfast in bed once or twice."

"Anyone can pour Bisquick in a pan."

"Those were from scratch and you damn well fucking know it." Negan gets up from the coach, minding the dog, "Seriously, what can I do?"

"You know how to make sweet potatoes with brown sugar and marshmallows?"

"I'm sure it can't be too hard."

"Good, start with cleaning and peeling those sweet potatoes over there. "

"What's on the menu?"

"Lourdes is making empanadas, Rav's making samosas, I believe Nanda's making some type of curry, and you and I are going to make sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and rolls."

"What no meat?"

"Lourdes' empanadas will have beef in them."

"What's for dessert?"

"Pumpkin pie, duh."

"What sort of shit show Christmas dinner is this?" He asks with a grin. "It's all starch and carbs."

"There will be vegetables."

"What? In a casserole and pasty?"

"This isn't a Norman Rockwell painting," Lourdes argues, "Get over it."

"Again, you know where the door is."

"Yikes, alright, I'll shut up," He chuckles, "Though, I gotta say…"

"You don't have to say."

"It is kind of a turn on to have two women, one which I used to fuck and the other I'm currently fucking, go off on me like this."

"Out." I point to the door. "Go outside and don't come back in until you learn proper conversation etiquette."

"What? You want me to freeze to death?"

"I do." Lourdes says.

"Out!"

"What if I say I'm sorry?" He asks. "Real genuine like?"

"You're never genuine." Lourdes shakes her head.

"Oh, come on," He looks over, beseeching, "Pip?"

I shoot him a pair of daggers, before rolling my eyes. "Fine, but only because it's Christmas."

"God fuckin' bless you," He quips, looking me up and down, "Every part."

…

Christmas dinner went over well, way fucking better than the night before. Negan surprisingly checked his teasing and jokes at the diner table. The Patel sisters did show up with their dishes and a kids card game for the boys as a gift. Lour and I got them each something small; a pair of overalls for Ravinder and a sweater for Nanda.

After dinner and pie, the girls go home and about an hour later, so does Lourdes. Negan wasn't planning on staying an extra night, but all of the Saviors he brought with him got too drunk to drive home, so they're all staying. Abel proposed that Negan stay until the new year, but Negan obviously can't do that.

I needed to take a walk after all that food, so I stepped out to walk Cleo for Lourdes, while Negan attempts to put Abel to bed. The cold nips my nose and cheeks but I kind of like it. The air smells of smoke from a few chimneys and the aroma of what must be some amazing home cooked meals. The air, of course, also smells of spilled alcohol from all the celebrating. I swear there's some truth to what Negan always says; I can smell alcohol like a goddamn bloodhound. Even after years of sobriety. Maybe I just have a good sniffer.

I smile at the sound of some drunken, near incoherent song being sung by a mix of Saviors and Halcyonians. I really thought the Saviors would be rigid or too good to associate with my people, but I've gotta say I'm impressed. It could just be the alcohol, but then again I haven't heard of any fights or other types of trouble.

Cleo steers off from our path to get up on the boardwalk. A trail of smoke wisping into the air reveals a dark stranger leaning against the post. As I come closer, I realize it isn't a stranger, but Martin.

"Hey, cowboy."

He looks my way. "Howdy."

I glance into the window of the place behind him. I see a bunch of raised arms holding glasses swinging along with a song. "What are they singing exactly?"

Martin looks over his shoulder. "I think it's Santa Clause is Coming to Town, but it might also be that anthem from Animal Farm."

I snicker. "Why aren't you in there with 'em?"

"I didn't feel like drinking so bad my kidneys hurt the next morning."

I shrug. "Good reason."

"Besides, if none of us are sober, who'd make sure some idiot doesn't choke on his own vomit?"

"Ah, the designated nurse," I joke, "Very responsible of you."

Martin takes a hit from his cigarette. "Why aren't you with your kids?"

"Geez, people just love to judge moms for cutting the umbilical cord. Negan's putting them to bed, while I walk off dinner."

He nods his head. "How was your little family Christmas?"

"It was...surprisingly nice." I step up on the steps. "The kids enjoyed it, that's what's important." I peer through the window again. "And we haven't hadn't conflict, which is all we can ask for I suppose."

"Yeah…"

"I saw the thing you made for Ravinder," I look back at Martin, "That was really sweet."

He shrugs. "That's me; big 'ol sweetheart."

I smile. "Wanna hear something funny?"

"It better be funny."

I bite my lip, reconsidering. "...Hm, nevermind. It's not all that funny, if anything it's really awkward and embarrassing."

"Well, now you have to tell me what it is."

"No."

He looks me over. "Okay, if you say so." He puts his cigarette up to his lips.

I stand there, staring at him. I take another peek into the window. "Lourdes thought...that the real reason you came to ask was because you were fishing for ideas for me." Martin looks at me. A laugh rises up in me and I let it breathe. "Shit, that sounds even dumber the second time around."

"Yeah, it does some sound dumb." He says, exhaling smoke.

"Yeah…" I mouthe, a little embarrassed that I told him.

He reaches into the inside of his jacket. "Like I don't know you well enough to know what to get you." He extends his arm out. "Here."

I look at whatever's between his fingers. "What is this?" I take the package.

"A gift."

I unwrap the small gift. "Marty, you didn't have to get me anything."

"I know, but I saw this a few weeks back on a run and I thought of you."

It's a small box. I peel the tape off the top and slide the rattling sound into my palm. I'm stunned, looking down at the golden necklace. A thin chain with an imperfect rectangular pendant looped through it. "Oh, wow…"

I look at the pendant, smoothing my thumb over it. In the center is what looks like an angel pouring a cup into another cup. "Is this a tarot card?"

"Yeah, cool, huh?"

I squint looking further at the writing. "Temperance?"

"Yeah, I found it in one of those psychic shops."

"Why were you in one of those?"

"Same reason I'd go to any other store; to find supplies."

I nod my head, looking back down at the pendant.

"I asked Ravinder, because she's the only one who would know shit like this."

"Right."

"Right, and she said it means balance, harmony, and alchemy, which I guess is like transformation, combination, and creation, according to Rav." He drags from his cigarette, "I thought it was cool and it reminded me of you."

"Why because I'm an alcoholic and this is Temperance?"

He smiles. "Because when there's chaos you step in and balance it out."

I scoff. "I think I've caused more chaos these last couple months than anything."

"But it's all turned out okay because of you and what you're willing to do for us...and I may have thought of you because of the cups and Temperance and all, too, but that doesn't mean the rest isn't true."

I snicker. "Thanks...this was...this was really sweet."

"Ah, it's nothing, really."

"No, it's not nothing," I argue, "This is really cool and thoughtful."

"I'm glad you like it." He says, smiling a little as he takes another drag from his cigarette.

I bite my lip. "About the other night…" Martin glances over. "Um, are we cool? You know, after what happened?"

He exhales into the night. "You mean when we kissed?"

I side glance the raucous noise. "Yeah."

Martin shrugs. "Yeah, we're cool," His eyes meet mine, "Why wouldn't we be?"

"Because I...I don't know. I just…" I exhale, shaking my head. "Nevermind."

Martin nods his head, going back to smoking. He looks down with an arch of his brow as Cleo whines at our feet. "You clever devil."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out something wrapped in tin foil. He unfolds the foil and tosses her a piece of bacon. Cleo catches the scrap and eats it down. Martin pets her head when she wags her tail.

"No, that's all you get."

"You make it a habit of carrying bacon in your pocket?"

"Not usually," He snickers back, "Jessie gave me some earlier this morning and I sort of forgot I had until now."

"Gross." I laugh.

"What? It's been in tin foil?"

We laugh together. My laughter dies down a few seconds before his and I get to see him before he sees me. There's something admirable about Martin; hell, there's dozens of admirable things about Martin.

He looks over. "What?"

I shake my head. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

"I gotta take Cleo home."

"Yeah."

"Night."

"Night, Temperance."

I roll my eyes with a smile. "Night," I say again, "Make sure no one starts any trouble."

"You have my word."

I whistle for Cleo and we head off. I take a look over my shoulder when I'm a few feet away. He waves and I nod back, before carrying on.

When Cleo's home, I go home myself. The darkness from the windows, save for a small light somewhere in the house, hopefully means Abel is asleep for the night. I enter very quietly and, thank god, both kids are asleep.

"Mom?" Or so I thought.

I look over, making Jolyon out in the dark on the top bunk. "Hey, punk. Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Yeah," He says, genuine, "Did you?"

"I did," I kick off my boots, "I loved the gift you and your brother got me."

"You're welcome."

I snicker, tired. "I'm glad you had a good day."

"Do I get to keep my knife?"

"We'll discuss that in the morning."

I walk to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Once that's over with, I wish Jolyon goodnight and enter the lit bedroom, closing the door behind me.

"Boy, aren't you just inconvenienced that your men got so drunk you couldn't go home?"

Negan looks over, hands behind his head as he's made himself comfortable on my bed. "Fucking furious."

I scoff through my nose, walking over to the dresser. I yawn, "I'm tired."

"Yeah, so am I." He yawns back.

I guffaw. "What are you so tired about? You cut out halfway between making the sweet potatoes, so you could play that card game with the kids."

"Still was a long ass day," He chuckles, "And in my defense, the only reason I stopped was because I nicked my finger on the blade and had to clean it." He holds up his bandaged finger.

I roll my eyes, coming over to the bed. "You poor baby."

"I know." He says. "Damn, you're beautiful."

"Am I?"

"You sure fuckin' are," Negan retorts, "Even with those goofy ass pajamas."

"A pair of flannel bottoms and a t-shirt is goofy?" I arch my brow as I put my hair up. "What would you have me wear? Nothing?"

"Ideally."

"You are such an…"

"Asshole? Is that what you were about to say?"

I lick my lips. "As a matter of fact, I was, but then I wouldn't have gotten you anything for Christmas."

"Oh, shit, that reminds me," Negan leans over the side of his bed, "I almost forgot I got you something."

I peek over his shoulder, watching as he fishes something out of his jacket. "What is it?"

"Close your eyes." He rolls back over. "Go on, shut 'em."

I close my eyes and put out my hand, because I'm assuming that's the next instruction. He drops something in the palm of my hand.

"Alright, open 'em."

I open my eyes and they widen at the small black velvet box in the palm of my hand. I sharply inhale and shove it toward him. "Here, take it back."

"What? No, open it."

"No," I quickly drop the box on his leg, "I don't want it."

"Really?" Negan raises his brow. "You don't even know what it is?"

"I've got a hunch and I don't want it."

"Pip, you're being stupid," He offers me the box again, "Just open the damn box."

I look him in the eye and he raises both brows, waiting. I sigh, frustrated, but I take the box back and open it. In the dead center, is a small, thin golden band with a puny little deep blue stone encircled in a gold trim. It looks like the night sky captured.

I look up at him. "What is this?"

"A ring, what's it fucking look like?" Negan chuckles. "Jesus, what's with the fucking pouty scowl on your face? You'd think I got you a knitting needles."

I gaze back down at the ring. "Where did you get this?"

"I get first pick of everything."

I look up. "This isn't something you took off your wives, is it?"

"Nope, they've got enough crap; I didn't even offer it to 'em."

"Then...from the quarters."

"No, Jesus, Pippa," Negan pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated, "It was handed over to me and I stuck it in my bedside drawer for you personally. Goddamn, why the hell did I think you'd be grateful?"

My eyes admire the ring. It is beautiful and small, not like the rings I've seen his wives where which aren't really any bigger than this but still possess some kind of gaudiness to them.

"You don't like it."

"I didn't say that."

"So, do you like it?"

"Yes, I mean no...I don't know."

"Well, which fucking is it, Pip?"

I sigh through my nose, before I meet his eyes. "What is this?"

"We've been over this."

"No, I mean, why are you giving me this ring? What's it for? What does it mean?"

"Oooh!" Negan grins, amused. "You thought it was an engagement ring? Like I'm fucking proposing to you?"

I feel my cheeks simmer, unsure if it's from anger or humiliation. "So, you're not proposing to me?"

"No," He answers, "Not unless you want me to."

I shake my head. "Then what is it for?"

"Consider it a deal."

"Meaning?"

"Well, it was just gonna be a nice gift, but after our little chat last night, I got to thinking," Negan explains, "And I want things between our communities to change. I want it to be what we agreed on before I-"

"Lied to me with a bold face?"

"I was gonna say 'wasn't entirely honest', but sure," He goes on, "I want our communities to work with each other."

"What about the debt? And the protection payments?"

Negan bites the corner of his lip. "If you and your people agree to work with the Saviors, I see no reason all of that can't be lifted."

I furrow my brows. "You're serious?"

"I am," He nods, "You're people are strong and, despite a few tiny hiccups, cooperative and easy to work with. My men have given good reports back whenever you've sent people to the Sanctuary. Hell, I fuckin' like your guys; they keep their heads down and get shit done more efficiently than my guys half the time."

"So...you want us to merge with the Saviors?"

"Think of it as a reward for all your hard work," Negan touches my knee, "I think our people could be useful to one another."

"Useful how?"

"What was it that you wanted from the get go? For us to establish trade and community. Well, I want to give you that."

"All because I said I didn't know if you and I could make it?"

Negan's face grows gloomy. "I want to make things work with you, Pippa. Whether that means business or the two of us, I'll put in the work, if you will. I want you and the boys close and what you said last night made me realize that the tension between our deal was jeopardizing that."

I stare at the ring again. "And you think giving me a ring will...put all this forward?"

"No, the ring is sort of part of it but also a promise."

"A promise?"

"Yeah," His fingers close around mine, "That this will work and with us working together instead of pulling out our dicks to compare sizes, we can maybe be together."

"Together? As in…?"

"As in I get rid of my wives, respectfully, and you and I can finally be together the way we both had hoped when we were out looking for each other."

"Like a family?"

"Right on the nose."

"How would we do that?" I ask, perplexed. "We still have the same responsibilities. Two hours away."

"We'll cross those bridges when we get to 'em; we don't have to have all the answers right now. You don't even have to wear that ring until you think I've made good on everything I've said to you...until I've proven myself to you because I know I've let you down."

I look at him. His face is serious.

"I have let you down, Pippa, and instead of saying sorry, I wanna prove myself to you."

Fucking hell. Tears start to form in my eyes.

"What do you say?" Negan uses his thumb to brush a tear from my cheek, chuckling mildly. "Wanna give it a shot with me?"

A smile breaks across my face. I can't help but chuckle as Negan's bright smile forms.

"Is that a yes?"

I put my hands on his face as I kiss him. I then clear the tears from my eyes, sniffling. "Yes, I agree to try your little plan."

Negan smiles wide, kissing me. "I love you, Pippa."

"I love you, too." I glance at the ring, remembering the box in my hand.

"You don't have to put it on."

"I know," I pluck the ring from the box, studying it, "I've just...never had a ring on my finger before."

"So put it on then."

I slip the ring on my finger. I flex my hand, staring at the ring, trying to figure out how I feel about it.

"Looks nice."

My eyes pick up to Negan.

"What?"

I bite my lip. "Take off your clothes."

Negan's grin picks up. "Am I getting laid?"

I climb over to his side, straddling him. My hands take his face, I smile, and kiss his lips.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Hope you all enjoy!**


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